Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has sold off $737 million worth of Amazon ($AMZN) shares in order to fund his lavish wedding in Venice this week.

Even though he ticked next-day delivery at checkout, Bezos’ wedding took five days to complete, spanning multiple historic sites in Venice. Reportedly, the bride, Lauren Sánchez (no relation) had 27 dresses in reference to the film, 27 Days Later.

90 private jets brought in 250 guests, including a who’s who of principled millionaires who once proselytized for all the things that Amazon stands against. Bill Gates, Leonardo DiCaprio, Andrew Garfield, Oprah Winfrey, Barbra Streisand, Lady Gaga, the dog from the new Superman movie, and the three ghosts of expensive weddings past.

Apparently, my invite was lost in the mail.

One surprise guest, Katy Perry, somehow made it past security after Bezos but failed to disrupt the wedding itself. Perry and Bezos are currently involved in a bitter feud after Bezos’ failed attempt at murdering the singer by launching her into space.

With an engagement ring worth $3-5 million and two engagement parties, groomzilla Jeff was already over budget and desperate for more capital to fund his wedding.

Fearing a choice between bankruptcy or upsetting his future second ex-wife to be, Bezos suddenly remembered that he was in possession of some of the most valuable stock options in the world and instantly dumped a Boeing’s worth of collateral just to keep the gondola afloat.

Plans were also scaled back from a wedding occurring entirely in outer space to a boring, lame Earth wedding. Ew.

Bezos is reportedly already planning a lavish divorce at the Taj Mahal.

For more news about everything Bezos, click here: Trump Declares War On JEFF, “That Man Cannot Have Nukes”

US Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell has announced plans to release his own personal cryptocurrency, POWCOIN in order to cash in on recent bullishness around crypto.

Just yesterday, Powell spoke to Congress and said that banks are free to conduct crypto activities.

The Fed chair reaffirmed that, “Banks get to decide who their customers are, that’s not our decision. So banks are free to provide banking services to the crypto industry, crypto companies. Banks are also free to conduct crypto activities as long as they do so in a way that is protective of safety and soundness.”

Powell might be late to the bitcoin bandwagon, but he’s reportedly now all in on the crypto hype train. He added to his previous statement that, “Banks are also free to trade $POWCOIN which drops this week! It’s going to be massive so I suggest you get in on the groundfloor, baby! POW!”

Powell Bitcoin Announcement — An unedited photograph of Powell making the announcement

Those accusing Jay of selling out will note that he is in finance; selling out is practically a part of the job description.

Powell Announces Fed Coin

Doubling down, Powell also announced that the Federal Reserve will release a tie-in coin, FED COIN ($FED). Economists predict that within the next 6 years, FED COIN will replace the gold standard.

After phasing out cash, coins, notes, checks, credit cards, emeralds, IOUs and gentlemen’s agreements, the Fed hopes that FED COIN will soon become the only currency left and the only currency worth using.

Markets have reacted to the announcements with unusual excitement, still conflating all cryptocurrencies as one. Bitcoin boosted 14000% to reach a new all-time high. $GLOOBCOIN also reached a massive high, now worth the GDP of a small island nation for just one coin.

For more on this story, go outside, smell the air. Then come back and read this: Trump’s Top 10 Picks To Replace Jerome Powell

US Rep. (Rep) MTG (Marjorie Taylor Greene) has responded to accusations that she bought shares in Palantir just days before stocks surged from a $30m ICE contract in the biggest potential insider trade since Nancy Pelosi shorted the whole US economy.

“How could I be insider trading when I’m a political outsider?” Taylor is rumored to have said. “I’m not one of those Washington Fat Cats, so how dare you accuse me of being an insider when I have worked my entire life to make sure I am very much on the outside.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene Palantir Insider Trades Tweet — Rumors about the trades began on X in April and have since been confirmed

“They won’t even let me in the room for some meetings, I have to put my ear to the door if I want to listen. And at lunchtime, they won’t even let me sit at their table. I have to eat off the dirt outside like a dog. They say, ‘Marjorie, there are other tables, you don’t have to do that’, but they don’t know what it’s like to be a political outsider.”

Taylor Greene claims that she gave her financial advisor full control of her financial portfolio and that she only learned of the trades when the press reported on them.

“That’s how much of an outsider I am, I don’t even know what’s going on. I can barely do my job.”

Although Marjorie Taylor Greene sits on the House Committee on Homeland Security, she does not sit on the subcommittee that oversees ICE, she sits on the Subcommittee on Counterterrorism and Intelligence instead.

Although she did buy shares days prior to the massive contract that gave Palantir a 60% stock bump, it is unclear that she knew and acted upon any information that was not public. As the US Securities Exchange Act of 1934 states, trading on potentially market-moving info that hasn’t been made public is illegal, but this might just be a big coincidence.

Here’s MTG’s full statement below:

“After many successful years of running my own business, I ran for Congress to bring that mindset to Washington. Now that I’m proudly serving the people of Northwest Georgia, I have signed a fiduciary agreement to allow my financial advisor to control my investments. All of my investments are reported with full transparency. I refuse to hide my stock trades in a blind trust like many others do. I learned about my Palantir trades when I saw it in the media.”

For more on this story, click somewhere else. For a different story, click here: Government Proposes New Health Plan: Just Walk It Off

BREAKING: In a controversial statement, a top bank has claimed that ‘money‘ (such as coins and bank cards, and all that) is still a vital part of everyday society.

In a memo that immediately tanked Dogecoin 6%, this top bank, which has chosen to remain anonymous, boldly stated:

“Despite the rise of crypto, clout tokens, and limited edition NFTs of Elon Musk’s left eyebrow, traditional money still plays a non-zero role in economic transactions.”

The news stunned the fintech community, which had recently pivoted to “vibe-based valuations” and “emotional liquidity” as part of the post-fiat enlightenment.

“Honestly, I thought we left ‘money’ behind with Blockbuster and physical touch,” said Chad Etherton, founder of the startup VenmoButForFeelings. “This is like saying we need gravity to walk.”

Markets reacted swiftly, as always, and without thinking. The Dow Jones rose 400 points in a straight line before remembering inflation exists and immediately spiraled into a trust-fall-style collapse.

Meanwhile, Bitcoin influencers gathered on a live Twitter Space titled “Fiat is Mid – Emergency Meeting.” One speaker, known only as @SatoshiButHot, passionately argued,

“We were promised a decentralized utopia where the only currency is nachos and Discord Nitro. This is betrayal!!”

Cash Matters? Based.

In a further twist, the bank clarified that “money” includes both “real money” (like dollars) and “less real money” (like whatever Robinhood says you have). Analysts from McKinsey & Company quickly translated the announcement into a 92-slide PowerPoint deck titled “Cash: The Original Crypto?”

After the dust settled, economists realized that all the bank was saying was that money is important and therefore they are still important, which is the same as not really saying anything at all really.

Retail investors, confused but eager, began panic-buying loose change. Nickel futures surged 19%, and the average Chuck E. Cheese token is now worth more than a Venezuelan Bolívar.

In other news, the Federal Reserve announced it would be “taking a long, hard look at vibes” as part of next quarter’s monetary policy. Chairman Powell reportedly said, “We’re not saying vibes are real, but… we feel like they might be. And that’s enough for rate hikes.”

For more garbage writings click here: Makers Of ‘Charts With Big Arrows Squiggling Up’ Report Record Profits

Oh my god. What year is this? I haven’t felt a rush like this since 2021. GameStop (GME), the company best known for giving you $2.14 and a sideways look for your entire Xbox collection, just took its meme stock status to the next level by yeeting $512.6 million into 4,710 Bitcoins, sending GME’s stock 2daMOON (up 3%)!!!

Yes, you read that right. GameStop, the mall relic you forgot existed until some guy named Roaring Kitty made it the most important stock in America in 2021, is now apparently a cryptocurrency titan. According to a press release written entirely in stonks memes and GIFs of rocket ships, the company has “diversified its treasury strategy” to include 4,710 Bitcoin.

Or in plain English: they just went full crypto degen.

GameStop Bitcoin — This image doesn’t really illustrate anything I just found it funny. Why is the giant coin in a pile of sand??

From Game Cases to Digital Coins: The Glow-Up No One Asked For

Following a minor internet event you may remember as THE ENTIRE MEME STOCK APOCALYPSE OF 2021, the company has been on a soul-searching journey.

“We asked ourselves, ‘What do we actually do?’” said CEO Chad Diamondhands. “The answer was clear: We are a vibe. A movement. A cult with a logo.”

And as with any modern cult, the next logical step was obviously dumping half a billion dollars into a volatile asset. Moreover, these assets can sometimes gain or lose 10% just because a tech billionaire tweets a meme of a dog farting on the moon.

Insiders and outsiders alike report the decision-making process looked like this:

First, Roaring Kitty posted a cat meme.
Next, someone in accounting replied “LFG 🚀.”
Then, the finance department flipped a Dogecoin.
Then, a corporate vote was held in the form of a Fortnite dance-off.
And finally, $513 million was wired to Coinbase.

Wall Street Reacts: “Wait, They Have That Much Cash?”

Meanwhile, analysts on CNBC tried their best to remain calm, and Jim Cramer announced, “Gamestop causes Bitcoin to pump!”

“This is either a genius move or a live demonstration of financial schizophrenia,” said hedge fund manager Rich McCondescenderson, while sweating visibly on-air. “We were hoping they’d maybe invest in cloud gaming or retail innovation. Instead, they YOLO’d into Bitcoin like it’s 2021 and Dogecoin still matters.”

Meanwhile, over on Reddit, r/wallstreetbets exploded with celebration:

“GME just became the Federal Reserve of meme coins.”
– u/DeepStonkThot69

“This is peak capitalism. I am so proud.”
– u/ElonMuskette420

In Case You Forgot: GameStop Is Still A Game Store

Once again, let’s take a moment to remember: this company sells used video games. Or rather, sold, before they followed in Michael Saylor’s micro-footsteps and pivoted to meme stock status, launching NFTs, and now throwing real-life millions into imaginary internet money.

So now GameStop says it plans to sell the Bitcoin in-store on scratched DVDs for $4 a piece. Will this move make GameStop rich beyond its wildest dreams, or bankrupt it faster than you can say “Mt. Gox”? Either way, we’re all buckled in for the ride.

GameStop’s new slogan, revealed besides the announcement, captures it best:

“Don’t just play games. Play GME.”

Disclosure: The author owns 0.0000003 BTC and one very sad GameStop receipt from 2012. This is not financial advice. This is performance art.

And if you’re looking for more shitty content like this, click here: Bitcoin Reaches ATH, Pizza Now Worth $1bn

In a shocking display of overachieving mediocrity, 29-year-old marketing associate Tyler Brenner logged into work Monday morning at 8:03 AM, blissfully unaware that no one else was doing the same.

Sources confirmed Tyler forgot it was Memorial Day, a national holiday celebrated by grilling meats, wearing patriotic cargo shorts, and, as is written by the founding fathers in the Constitution: not answering Slack messages.

“I thought the office group chat was quiet because people were heads down,” said Tyler, who had sent three emails, updated a Google Doc, and even scheduled a Zoom call with himself.

His only reply? A solitary ‘stars and stripes emoji’ reaction from a coworker who was clearly poolside, three beers deep, and using Teams on an iPad.

Markets Closed, Tyler Open

Despite the NYSE, Nasdaq, and common sense all being closed, Tyler bravely charged ahead, unaware that the only thing trading today was bratwurst for beer across every backyard in America.

Friends and family later confirmed Tyler has also forgotten Daylight Savings, Labor Day, and once attempted to show up to a wedding a week early because he “thought it was next Saturday.” Some say he may be the real-life embodiment of the “Grindset” meme, minus the Lambos and passive income.

Employee of the Month (But at What Cost? AT WHAT COST, TYLER??)

Tyler’s boss, when reached for comment from a hammock in Myrtle Beach, simply said:

“Honestly, let him. If he wants to write Q2 strategy while I’m shotgunning White Claws, that’s a win-win.”

Coworkers were less generous, flooding the office group chat later in the day with gifs of fireworks, eagles, and a well-timed “bro, go touch grass” from HR.

Tyler is reportedly planning to “take tomorrow off to make up for it,” completely unaware that no one will notice, and nothing he did today mattered.

For more from the very specific category of ‘local-man + national-holiday news’, click here: EMBARRASSING: Local Man Recycles Resolution From Last New Year

Outperforming gold, oil, and several blue-chip stocks, ‘good… (and I’m just being told this now) vibes’ is officially the most solid investment option of the year.

What started as a fringe belief among yoga influencers and crypto bros has now found its way into serious investor portfolios.

“We’re bullish on vibes,” said Chase Freedom, lead analyst at YOLO Capital. “They’re intangible, inflation-resistant, and unlike NFTs, they can’t be screenshotted.”

In fact, the Federal Reserve has already added “100 positive aura” to its list of monitored economic indicators, just after unemployment and somewhere between TikTok’s total scroll distance and Mercury’s retrograde schedule.

“Shit, I mean we’ve been using ‘numbers’ and ‘math’ to work it out this whole time,” explained Fed Chair, Jerome Powell, “But it turns out vibes are just as good.”

Analysts ‘Not On The Vibe’

Some analysts remain skeptical. “This makes no sense,” said economist Dr. Linda Rationale, before promptly being booed off CNBC for suggesting people diversify into actual assets.

Meanwhile, Jim Cramer has declared “Good Vibes” a “bogus stock” on six separate episodes of Mad Money, meaning that it’s 100% going to the moon.

Money aka vibes — “Money. It’s all just vibes anyway, bro.” – Adam Smith

Gen Z Leading the Charge

Leading the charge is Gen Z, who have converted traditional portfolios into vibe-centric holdings. Robinhood now offers a new “Aura Index Fund” tracking 500 influencers with above-average serotonin levels.

One 22-year-old investor, who goes by the username “@ZenDaddy420,” described his investment strategy: “I wake up, sage my apartment, and dollar-cost average into gratitude.”

He reportedly made a 140% return last quarter, mostly from a TikTok that went viral featuring him staring into the sun and whispering “alignment.”

“Vibes Is Not Short For Vibrator” – Warren Buffett

In response to the hype, major corporations have started rebranding. Amazon’s Prime Day will now feature “Energy Drops,” and Goldman Sachs just launched a new division called GS Feelings™, which advises clients based on horoscopes and color therapy.

BlackRock has filed for an ETF under the ticker $VIBE, which includes a diversified basket of crystals, guided meditations, and affirmations that “resonate with your higher self.”

“I mean, if you think about it, money was only ever just vibes anyways,” commented BlackRock CEO, Dwayne ‘TheBlackRock’ Johnson.

Missing The Warning Vibes?

Not everyone’s convinced this bull run is sustainable.

“It’s starting to feel like the tulip bubble, but with incense,” said one bearish investor. “I just want to buy some bonds without being told to ‘heal my inner child.’”

Despite concerns, markets continue to rally. Nasdaq closed up 3% today after Beyoncé posted a smiling selfie captioned “Feeling aligned 🌞✨.” Bitcoin responded by surging $4,000 in five minutes.

What we’re really saying is it’s all just guess work, it’s all just vibes so invest in yourself, friend. Be the vibe you want to see in the world.

Disclaimer: Obvs, this article is for entertainment purposes only. Please consult a licensed spiritual guide before making any vibe-based investment decisions.

For more garbage, click here: This Week’s Top 6 Ponzi Schemes To Invest In

Happy Bitcoin Pizza Day, everybody! No, wait… Happy BTC ATH, everybody! It’s that time of year again, yes, rising from the blockchain every May like a crusty phoenix from a wood-fired oven, it’s the traditional recalculating of the cost of the most expensive pizza in human history!

But it’s extra fitting since Bitcoin just hit a new all-time high, so it’s time to ask the real questions: what is 10,000 BTC worth today? And more importantly, how many toppings did Laszlo actually get?

For any gen Z degens who think Satoshi was a TikToker, here’s a quick history lesson:

On May 22, 2010, Laszlo Hanyecz made history by trading 10,000 BTC for two Papa John’s pizzas. Yes, really. It was the first real-world transaction using Bitcoin, and yes, they were large pies, not personal pans. Laszlo was just a hungry coder with too much BTC and not enough garlic dipping sauce.

Bitcoin pizza — One would presume this is what the famous bitcoin pizza looked like

At the time, 10,000 BTC was worth about $41. Today? Let’s do some totally unnecessary, deeply painful math.

Let’s Crunch the Bitcoin Numbers (and Laszlo’s Soul)

Current BTC Price: $108,996.20 (give or take when I checked this)
Total BTC Spent on Pizza: 10,000
Total Value of Pizza Today: 1 billion freaking dollars
Value Per Slice (assuming 16 slices): ~$62.5 million
Value of the Garlic Sauce (adjusted for inflation and emotional damage): Priceless

Laszlo didn’t just buy pizza. He bought a cultural meme that resurfaces every year like a blockchain Groundhog Day, where crypto bros gather to remind themselves that patience is a virtue, and food is temporary, but trauma is forever.

What Could $1bn Buy in 2025?

An actual island (and the Web3 DAO to govern it)
Every single Bored Ape, plus therapy for their owners
5000 Lambos (and enough gas for, like, a week)
Twitter. Again.
Or… 2 more pizzas at current NYC prices

Was It Worth It?

Yes. Because without that pizza, Bitcoin may never have taken its first steps into the real world. Without Laszlo’s sacrifice, we might still be trading satoshis for Magic: The Gathering cards and hoping CNBC takes us seriously.

So let’s raise a slice this May 22. Not just for the pizza. But for every single crypto bro who’s ever looked at an old wallet and whispered: “If I’d just held…”

To read more about this story, click here: Bitcoin To Change Ticker To ATH After Massive Gains

Following numerous successive ‘all-time highs’, Bitcoin ($BTC) has announced plans to permanently change its ticker to $ATH rather than having to write ATH every time. Just to make things easier for everyone.

“We keep saying ‘BTC has reached another ATH’. Let’s just combine the two. Think of the time we could save, seconds. Seconds!” commented Maurice Bitcoin, one of the main advocates for the change.

“I mean, we’ve had so many ATHs recently, it’s basically our name now, so let’s make it official! I changed my name, it’s not hard!”

Bitcoin recently soared past a bullish $100,000 in recent months. The boring, old, stale ‘BTC’ ticker may no longer reflect its status in the financial world, like, what does that even stand for?

Some traders have already started referring to BTC as ATH in their portfolios, to the confusion of many.

Bitcoin? More like biATHcoin

Regulatory hurdles remain, however, as changing a ticker symbol will require approval from various non-corporal regulatory bodies. The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) have already commented the proposed change with unbridled disgust, meaning that the process could take several decades to complete.

Additionally, the ATH ticker is already claimed by Athene Holding Ltd. and if I know Athene Holding Ltd. like I know Athene Holding Ltd., then I know that they won’t give up that name with a bloody, bloody fight.

Analysts are divided on the potential impact of the ticker change. Some believe it could further boost Bitcoin’s image and attract new investors, while others warn that it might confuse the market and lead to unnecessary volatility. Oh, wait, I forget to put a joke in there. Erm… Ligma.

ATH Bitcoin — An artist’s rendition of what the new ATH coin might look like

Should the ticker change not come through, various suggestions for other tickers include ‘OMG’, ‘$$$’, and if they allow more than three letters, ‘BITCOIN’.

Selfishly, I hope the name remains the same because if they do change it, I’ll have to go back and edit every article, including this one, which then won’t make any sense.

But hey, let’s see what happens, watch this space!

For more bitcoin news, read this one: Trump To Make Bitcoin Official US Currency

‘Sure things’ can be hard to come by these days. Long gone are the days when you could find a sweaty man in a cheap suit on the corner and he’d give you ten sure things for a cheeky kiss. Now, it’s all ‘online’ and ‘in the cloud’. ‘AI’.

But fear not! Because WSM is home of the sure thing, and we’ve got you covered with our top 6 investments for the week. Happy earning money!

6. Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC

I know what you’re thinking, ‘Bernie’s old news! This company’s dead in the water!’ But you’re an idiot, and I hate you. If Hollywood’s taught me anything, it’s that you can make so much money off a good reboot. So I say, let’s bring it back! Bernie had the most successful company of all time! He made off with billions! So let’s make it happen! Reboot, baby, it’s a sure thing!

5. Hot Dog Stands

Look, don’t be naive. We all know they’re a front. We all know there’s no way some greasy meat bucket that’s open every day through November in Philly is actually making any money. We all know it’s got to be a Ponzi. It’s just gotta be! Well, I say if you can’t beat ‘em, don’t beat ‘em! Get down there and ask politely if you can get in on that action. It’s a sure thing!

4. Beans

You might have heard of beans on the street, and well, they’re not just in momma’s hot bean chilli anymore. No, beans are in everything. Your morning coffee. On the feet of cats. On, fucking, idk, in bread? So, yes, it’s true they are on the up, and if you want a sure thing, real blue chip investment, you want to put it in Kalo’s Mexican Beans Ltd. You got that? Kalo’s Mexican Beans Ltd. Write it down. It’s not a Ponzi, I’m telling you, it’s a real investment. KMB. It’s my cousin’s. Real solid guy. Invest in it, I’m serious.

3. The Investment Portfolio of One Mr. Charles P. Bianchi!

He’s a stand-up guy. He’s got a straw boater. He’s got a cane. He’ll double your investment, guaranteed! Guaranteed! Why, for a nickel, I’d put all my finances in with this fine fellow. Yes, there’s a guy I would trust. That’s a real trustworthy wink he has there, yes, that’s where my daughter’s college fund should go! Mmhmm, give that man a kiss!

2. Money

We’re not talking about you’re floppy V-bucks here, we’re talking cold, hard fiat cash. Money. Isn’t money all just a Ponzi scheme? It moves around in circles, sometimes you see it, sometimes you don’t, it goes up, it goes down, and if we all pulled out, it would be toast. Yeah, I suggest putting your money in the oldest Ponzi in the world: money.

1. Yourself

Maybe the real Ponzi was looking back at you in the mirror this whole time? Maybe the real money is in you, baby. I believe in you, and you should too. I love you, buddy. I love you. Invest in yourself, kiddo. You’re a sure thing. (This is not financial advice)

For more financial advice, enjoy this lil ditty: Trump’s Top 5 Negotiation Tips For Winning Saudi Investment

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