Author: Max Profit

Elon’s got a lot to jump for joy about right now. Having successfully bought his way into the next presidential administration, along with several successful rocket launches recently, now Musk is in discussions to sell insider SpaceX shares that could rocket the company to a valuation of $350 billion. This would make it the most valuable start-up on the planet(s) and enable Musk to finally achieve his dream: of buying Mars.

Now, it seems like that would be a lengthy process but since no one currently owns Mars, the purchasing method is actually quite simple: you do some bribes, baby!

First up on the bribe list is the big boys: the NASA. This shouldn’t be so hard since you have something they don’t: leverage. You see they need something you have which is: big rockets. Without them, they can’t do: space exploration. Which they love. AND they are always desperate for one thing: funding. So it’s easy, slip them a couple of Benjis to say, “Yeah you can buy the Mars, why not?” and they’ll be golden.

Next onboard the bribe train is… I don’t know. Who’s in charge here? The UN? Sure. We’ll bribe them, too, just in case.

And finally, the most important people to pay if you want to own Mars: the Official Star Registration Organization. Now this is the only universal authority to actually recognise interplanetary purchases: you get a certificate and everything. So, if Elon wants Big Red: this is a must bribe.

Once that’s all in place (and he should still be under his $350 billion budget) he can start sending rockets, baby. Now I’m no rocket scientist but Elon if you’re listening, I’d suggest sending the big ones first that way you can get more equipment across there faster.

You’re going to need a town hall: that’s a first-up, no-brainer. This will be the place where all the legal sessions will take place so you’ll want to get that settled from the start. I’m thinking of going for a classic colonial brick style, but that’s up to you.

Next, you’ll need to think about resources. If you plant wheat seeds by a water source it’s only about twenty minutes before they’re ripe for plucking which will generate gold and occasionally drop crystals which you can spend on cosmetics and level-ups. I know that doesn’t seem important right now but if you want to sustain a Martian colony that’ll really come in handy in the long run so Musk, I’d really suggest investing in this EARLY.

I mean, then you’re golden! You own the Mars. You’ve got yourself a stable economy. And you’re still a wealthy man. Who knows maybe you could rename yourself Elon Mars? I don’t know, just a suggestion.

Donald Trump has officially filed to divorce long-time partner Elon Musk after two months of allyship. The move comes after reports that the honeymoon was over and the future president has become tired of his billionaire first-best-friend (BFBF).

Throughout the past week, Elon has been photographed on private flights, at sporting events, and at rocket launches with the soon-to-be-no-longer-former-president. Journalists also reported that Musk now effectively lives at Mara-la-go (Marlalago?) sleeping on a camp bed at the foot of Trump’s four-poster.

“Elon won’t go home, I can’t get rid of him,” Trump joked.

However, it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows as now Trump has officially signed a divorce agreement to sever all ties with the Tesla boss.

“After much consideration, I have made the hard decision to file for divorce from Elon Musk,” said Trump in an X post that Musk immediately deleted.

Musk will continue in his role as head of the Department Of Government Efficiency (which is not technically a department) and will receive full custody of Vivek Ramaswamy. Musk will however not be allowed within 420 feet of the president and has to return his ‘first lady’ pajama set.

For those thinking it was plain sailing for the couple might not remember what long fans will point out were early cracks in their relationship. In a 2022 Truth Social post, Trump said, “When Elon Musk came to the White House asking me for help on all of his many subsidized projects, whether it’s electric cars that don’t drive long enough, driverless cars that crash, or rocketships to nowhere, without which subsidies he’d be worthless and tell me how he was a big Trump fan and Republican, I could have said, “drop to your knees and beg,” and he would have done it.”

At the time Elon responded, “Lmaooo… It’s time for Trump to hang up his hat & sail into the sunset.”

The enemies to lovers to enemies storyline is well played out but supporters of the couple and those close to the pair will surely be disappointed, especially as a snappy moniker had yet to be decided. …Trelon? Trusk? Dolon? Elump? Trumusk? Monald Eump? Tron? Elnald? I mean these are all absolute bangers, I can see why they couldn’t decide and divorce was the only option.

Trump’s actual wife, Melania, could not be reached for comment but I’m sure she’s pleased.

In the wake of Donald Trump’s successful election campaign and Elon Musk’s successful bribe, Trump has appointed the tech billionaire to head up the Department of Government Efficiency. Looking to make quick cuts, Elon immediately fired himself and dissolved the department.

As Trump’s first presidency already demonstrated, a government is just like a company in every single way, and a person who can kind of run multiple companies at once can probably handle little government on the side. Elon runs a lean ship: at Tesla, he replaced all the drivers with AI, at Twitter, he replaced all the users with bots, and all the letters in the name with just one. Much more efficient.

Now Musky Man is expected to make similar changes to government, replacing all government officials with Grok and ‘The Federal Government of the United States of America’? Ugh, what a mouthful, how about just a nice, lean 𝕏.

When Trump forms his government next year, Elon will head up the advisory team alongside entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy, who has also been pre-fired and replaced with an AI to save money. The board will exist for exactly 4 minutes and 20 seconds which Musk says is more than enough time to make the necessary changes to the government before dissolving the agency (group? council? It’s not actually a department, they’re just calling it that… idk, flock?).

The committee has been dubbed “The Department of Government Efficiency” which isn’t very efficient to say so you can just call it DOGE to save time. THIS NAME IN NO WAY CONSTITUTES MARKET MANIPULATION TO ARTIFICIALLY INFLATE THE PRICE OF DOGECOIN IN WHICH MUSK HAS A LARGE STAKE. No, Musk has already made $70 billion off the election, hoarding more money would simply be… inefficient.

DOGE joins the likes of Space Force, the Board of Tea Appeals, and the CIA in a long list of government agencies that you can’t believe are real.

Commenting on Musk, Trump said, “When Elon Musk came to the White House asking me for help on all of his many subsidized projects, whether it’s electric cars that don’t drive long enough, driverless cars that crash, or rocketships to nowhere, without which subsidies he’d be worthless and tell me how he was a big Trump fan and Republican, I could have said, “drop to your knees and beg,” and he would have done it,” in a 2022 Truth Social post.

More recently, however, Trump has called the initiative, “The Manhattan Project of our time” which is apt because Musk greatly enjoys blowing up rockets and electric car batteries. Here’s hoping that, unlike Oppenheimer’s project, Musk’s won’t get hundreds of thousands of innocent people killed, however efficient it may be.

Following the election of Donald Trump, Elon Musk has declared, “My work here is done” and has shut down the social media website formerly known as Twitter, which now goes only by the unpronounceable symbol, ‘𝕏’.

Musk explained in a statement that when he bought the website two years ago for $44 billion he knew he was overpaying but saw a vision of the site as a platform to support the reelection of Donald Trump.

During the campaign, Elon appeared at Trump rallies, used his social media account to voice support for the ex-former president, and legally bribed voters to register in swing states (can we say that?).

Now that Elon Musk has achieved his goal and earned a cool $21 billion in the process, the website has been shut down, all X employees have been fired and the offices have been sold to Spirit Halloween.

The strategy almost makes sense but confusingly Elon has also stepped down from his role as CEO of SpaceX, Tesla, and another secret company suspected to be Security Fence and Supply Co. Inc. based in Wisconsin. This would somehow imply that Musk also saw his role in these companies as part of some grand plan designed with the sole purpose of achieving Trump’s re-election. Huh.

Several meme accounts responded unfavorably to the news with one obscure meme account, Mr. @Arthurmeme01, writing, “NOOOOOOO” which of course no one read because X doesn’t work anymore.

Musk has not released a statement since announcing his retirement but was last seen boarding a Falcon Heavy rocket assumed to be destined for Mars where his hidden Martian colony is based. The colony, only recently revealed, was constructed in secret over the last decade by Security Fence and Supply Co. Inc. based in Wisconsin.

It is unclear whether Musk will work in his promised role as head of the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) or if the 15-minute communication delay between the planets will make things too inefficient.

I guess we’ll all start using Threads now, then? Ugh. ok. OK! Fine. I’ll do it. Here I go… I’m making an account… I’m logging in… Oh, this is literally just the same thing. Ok, fine I guess I can use this. Alright… Byee!