Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

In a Move Hailed by Degens Everywhere, The Don Declares Bitcoin a ‘Cramer-Free Zone’ to ‘Make Crypto Great Again.’

President Donald J. Trump today issued a pre-emptive ban on Jim Cramer, the screaming muppet from CNBC’s Mad Money, from ever expressing a positive sentiment about Bitcoin. And not just because all his money’s in crypto now.

The declaration, delivered via a blistering post on Truth Social, is being hailed by financial analysts with more than two brain cells as “the single most bullish event in the history of decentralized finance.”

“The Cramer Curse is a threat to our nation’s portfolios. A big one. The biggest,” Trump then announced to a small, bewildered crowd of club members enjoying their brunch. “We can’t let this guy, who is a total disaster, a real lightweight, touch Bitcoin. It’s a tremendous asset, a beautiful asset, and we’re going to protect it. When he says BUY, BUY, BUY, your money goes BYE, BYE, BYE. Sad!”

The move comes after whispers on Wall Street suggested Cramer, who has the predictive power of a blindfolded squirrel in a hurricane, was preparing a segment on why he’s “finally coming around on Bitcoin.” The mere rumor caused a 4% flash crash, liquidating over-leveraged apes from Miami to Monaco.

Trump, sensing a threat to the very fabric of making money, acted swiftly.

Cramer’s Curse Is Lifted! Oh, Frabjous Day!

Financial experts are calling the move a 5D chess masterstroke.

“This is unprecedented,” said one Goldman Sachs analyst, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being called a cuck on r/wallstreetbets. “He’s effectively weaponized the Inverse Cramer ETF. By banning the ultimate sell signal from endorsing Bitcoin, he’s created a permanent buy signal. It’s… it’s beautiful.”

The crypto world, a community that typically agrees on nothing except that fiat is trash, found a moment of rare, beautiful unity.

Bitcoin maximalist “LaserEyesChad420” tweeted, “I never thought I’d say this, but thank you, Mr. President. You just saved our bull run. Satoshi would be proud.”

The reaction on Wall Street was immediate and glorious. Within minutes of Trump’s post, Bitcoin rocketed up 11%, breaking through key resistance levels as if they were made of wet toilet paper. The hashtag #CramerCurseContained began trending on X, accompanied by memes of Trump building a wall around a crying Jim Cramer trying to reach a giant Bitcoin logo.

Cramer himself appeared flustered on Mad Money later that day. Sweating profusely under the studio lights, he tried to pivot. “You know what I AM bullish on?” he stammered, his voice cracking. “The long-term viability of… department store gift cards!”

Within seconds, the entire retail sector plummeted 8%, and Bed Bath & Beyond somehow filed for bankruptcy a second time.

Sources say Trump is now considering further bans to stimulate the economy. An insider leaked a cocktail napkin from the Mar-a-Lago bar with potential future executive actions scrawled on it, including:

Banning Cramer from enjoying a sunny day to end droughts.
Forbidding Cramer from complimenting any airline to fix flight delays.
Making it illegal for Cramer to say his Wi-Fi is working, in order to achieve free, high-speed internet for all Americans.

For now, the degens are celebrating. They’re buying the dip, the rip, and the tip. Because for the first time in a long time, their bags feel safe. They are protected not by the SEC, not by fundamentals, but by one man’s tremendous understanding of the universe’s most powerful and reliable financial law: Whatever Jim Cramer says, for the love of God, do the opposite.

Godspeed, you glorious apes. See you on the moon.

Shares of the Kellanova (formerly the Kellogg Company) (NYSE: K) surged over 5% in early trading following the blockbuster announcement that the breakfast giant is in talks for an acquisition from Italian confectioner Ferrero Group, the company behind TicTac, Kinder Bueno, Nutella and this one chocolate that looked like it was nut free but gave my cousin a rash anyways.

Kellogg’s, based out of Illinois, makes cornflakes and Rice Krispies, and Pringles, maybe? But they’re currently owned by Mars, which makes M&Ms, so it gets confusing quickly. Following snack corporate ownership is like trying to keep track of all the family trees in Game of Thrones.

The deal, valued at an estimated $3 billion, was reportedly sealed after Ferrero unveiled its game-changing strategic vision for the 118-year-old cereal maker: a new product called “Nutella-Infused Corn Flakes.”

The new cereal, set to be the flagship offering of the combined entity, is being hailed by executives as a “paradigm shift in breakfast-table food-tech” and a “masterclass in synergistic brand actualized fernst-gerbs murzerg gurgb.”

“We believe Ferrero and Kellogg are a natural fit since both names have more double letters than you really expect.”

In a joint press conference, Italy’s richest man, Ferrero CEO Giovanni Ferrero-Rocher, outlined the company’s bold new direction.

“For decades, the consumer has been forced to perform the arduous, inefficient task of applying a chocolate-hazelnut spread to their own food items,” Ferrero stated, pacing before a PowerPoint slide depicting a stock photo family smiling vaguely at a cereal bowl. “We are eliminating that friction. We are disrupting the spoon-to-jar-to-mouth pipeline. This is the future of pre-noon glucose delivery.”

The resulting product, “Nutella Frosted Flakes,” promises to deliver the classic, blandly wholesome crunch of a Kellogg’s Corn Flake, now shellacked in a sticky, hazelnut-flavored glaze.

They do however look like shit.

Sources inside the R&D department confirm that solving the sog-factor was a “Manhattan Project-level undertaking,” requiring the development of a proprietary “hydrophobic cocoa-butter barrier” that preserves the flake’s structural integrity for a record-breaking 90 seconds in milk.

Wall Street analysts, who had previously criticized Kellogg’s for a lack of innovation, immediately lauded the move.

“This is the kind of aggressive, forward-thinking brand leverage we’ve been waiting for,” said Julian Davies, a senior food and beverage analyst at Morgan Stanley. “Who cares about whole grains or fiber? The total addressable market for spooning pure sugar into your mouth before 8 a.m. is massive and criminally underserved. This move directly converts brand loyalty into pure, unadulterated Q4 revenue.”

The acquisition signals a dramatic cultural shift for the Battle Creek-based company. Longtime mascot Tony the Tiger will reportedly be “phased out” in favor of a more sophisticated brand ambassador: a suave, animated hazelnut in a tiny tuxedo named Signor Nocciola.

“Frankly, we see limited growth potential in the ‘They’re Gr-r-reat!’ slogan,” explained a Ferrero marketing executive on a background call. “Our new tagline, ‘It’s Acceptable!’, tested much better with focus groups who felt it more accurately reflected the modern consumer’s exhausted resignation.”

“Rest assured, Tony will be dealt with… humanely.”

While the market celebrated, some nutritionists expressed mild concern.

“From a dietary standpoint, this is essentially candy in a box being marketed as a viable breakfast,” said Dr. Elena Vance of the American Nutrition Institute. “It removes the final, flimsy barrier of self-control that kept people from just eating Nutella straight out of the jar with their fat fat sausage fingers for their first meal of the day.”

When asked for comment, Ferrero’s CEO dismissed these concerns. “We believe in consumer choice. And we have faith that consumers will choose the path of least resistance, which in this case leads directly to our product and robust shareholder returns.”

Looking ahead, the company is already teasing its next wave of innovations, including “Tic Tac-Dusted Froot Loops” and a line of premium, individually wrapped “Ferrero Rocher Raisin Bran.”

For more fake snack news, click here: Scientists Discover New Species of Wombat That Only Eats Doritos

In a move that has traditional economists reaching for their sick bags and jabbing the flight attendant button, Emirates airline has signed a Memorandum of Understanding (whatever that means) with Crypto.com. The plan is to integrate crypto into all their payment systems sometime next year as part of a broader mission in the UAE to go full degen.

And in a glorious follow-up, they also unveiled their new flagship route: a non-stop service to the literal goddamn Moon.

The announcement came from Emirates Chairman and CEO, Sheikh Ahmed bin Saeed Al Maktoum, who apparently spent a long weekend mainlining crypto Twitter and binge-watching videos titled “BITCOIN TO $1,000,000?! (NOT CLICKBAIT).”

“For too long, we have been shackled by the terrestrial limitations of Earth and the inflationary chains of central banking,” declared Sheikh Ahmed, wearing a newly acquired laser-eyed profile picture on the company’s official press release. “Our customers don’t just want to go to London or New York. They want to go to Da Moon. We are simply meeting market demand. FUD is not in our vocabulary.”

The new lunar service, designated Flight EK2025, will operate with a specially modified Airbus A380 retrofitted with “an ungodly number of JATO rockets” and a reinforced fuselage to “punch through the atmosphere like a green candle through a resistance level.”

Tickets for the inaugural flight, priced at a firm 0.69420 BTC, sold out in under three minutes. The booking process reportedly crashed the Emirates website, forcing aspiring astronauts to mint their boarding passes as NFTs on the Ethereum blockchain, paying an additional $4,000 in gas fees. No one seemed to mind.

The in-flight experience is also getting a HODLer-friendly overhaul:

First Class Suites will be replaced with “Diamond Hand Lounges”. Attendants will strap passengers into racing chairs so they can only watch live-streaming charts of their favorite shitcoins.
The famous Onboard Bar will now serve only lukewarm Tang and instant ramen noodles, rebranded as “Tendie-Packs.”
In-flight entertainment will consist of a 14-hour loop of Michael Saylor interviews and Elon Musk’s greatest tweet-storms.

Emirates has updated the pre-flight safety demonstration accordingly. An excerpt reads: “In the unlikely event of a market crash, oxygen masks will not drop from the ceiling. We do not believe in panic selling. Please assume the brace position and HODL. You can use your seat cushion as a flotation device, but it will not protect you from liquidation.”

Wall Street analysts are, predictably, baffled.

“This is a logistical nightmare and a fiduciary black hole,” muttered Julie Roobers, a senior analyst at Goldman Sachs. “An A380 cannot achieve escape velocity. Its financial viability is dependent on an asset class whose value is determined by memes and vibes. It makes no sense.”

We found one of the first ticket holders, a 22-year-old who goes by the handle @CryptoChad69, celebrating outside a Starbucks.

“I sold my mom’s 2014 Honda Civic for this ticket and I have zero regrets!” he screamed, holding up his phone to show a JPEG of a boarding pass. “While the paper hands are stuck in traffic, I’ll be sipping Tang on the lunar surface. See you later, wagecucks! To the actual moon!”

The destination itself will feature the first-ever “Emirates Lunar Lounge,” a large, inflatable tent with a sign that says “Lounge” and a flagpole flying a Dogecoin flag. Upon arrival, passengers will be given a complimentary commemorative rock.

When asked if the airline was concerned about the extreme volatility of accepting Bitcoin, a spokesperson simply replied, “We like the volatility,” before putting on a pair of sunglasses and walking away as an explosion sound effect played from a nearby speaker.

Thanks for reading, if that didn’t feel like an entire bucket full of cringe, then you’ll probably love: If You Can Read This, You Might Have Brain Rot

Twitter co-founder and professional hermit Jack Dorsey has emerged from his cave to announce a new peer-to-peer messaging app that works entirely using Bluetooth. Elon Musk immediately took to X and joked that he would buy the new company for $69 trillion, an agreement he’s now legally bound to uphold.

The very cleverly named Bitchat lets you chat in bits, but also, and get this, it lets you BITCH AT people! Get it? Who knows, maybe it’s even Dorsey’s not-so-subtle way of getting back at everyone, particularly Musk, for buying his baby and renaming it something stupid.

Dorsey touts Bitchat as a decentralised messenger without central servers, email addresses, phone numbers, carrier pigeons, or even Charlie the Amicable Postman to deliver messages.

How it works is completely baffling to a layperson like me. Isn’t Bluetooth a super short distance thing? Can I only send messages to my headphones, is that it? Maybe it’s just for friends that are in slapping distance, in which case I’d just send a slap.

Oh, it’s OK, Dorsey explained on X that, “Bluetooth mesh networks, relays and store and forward models, message encryption models, and a few other things.” Ah, that clears it up then.

Right, I’m reading more, and it’s like the message gets Bluetoothed from one phone to another and ping pongs until it gets to its recipient. But what if you’re out of range of a Bluetooth? Does this only work in dense cities and cramped elevators?

I guess we’ll see. Like I said, I’m not the guy to ask. Even though I guess you’re here asking. Crap. Didn’t think of that… Err… SMOKE BOMB!

Oh, you’re still here. Well, I’m still no better at explaining this tech. I mean, it’s going to be folded into the X empire very soon so you probs don’t need to worry about it. Even if you do end up using it, do you really understand how your phone works at the moment? No. Me neither.

If you have any more questions, please, send me a Bitchat.

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Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has sold off $737 million worth of Amazon ($AMZN) shares in order to fund his lavish wedding in Venice this week.

Even though he ticked next-day delivery at checkout, Bezos’ wedding took five days to complete, spanning multiple historic sites in Venice. Reportedly, the bride, Lauren Sánchez (no relation) had 27 dresses in reference to the film, 27 Days Later.

90 private jets brought in 250 guests, including a who’s who of principled millionaires who once proselytized for all the things that Amazon stands against. Bill Gates, Leonardo DiCaprio, Andrew Garfield, Oprah Winfrey, Barbra Streisand, Lady Gaga, the dog from the new Superman movie, and the three ghosts of expensive weddings past.

Apparently, my invite was lost in the mail.

One surprise guest, Katy Perry, somehow made it past security after Bezos but failed to disrupt the wedding itself. Perry and Bezos are currently involved in a bitter feud after Bezos’ failed attempt at murdering the singer by launching her into space.

With an engagement ring worth $3-5 million and two engagement parties, groomzilla Jeff was already over budget and desperate for more capital to fund his wedding.

Fearing a choice between bankruptcy or upsetting his future second ex-wife to be, Bezos suddenly remembered that he was in possession of some of the most valuable stock options in the world and instantly dumped a Boeing’s worth of collateral just to keep the gondola afloat.

Plans were also scaled back from a wedding occurring entirely in outer space to a boring, lame Earth wedding. Ew.

Bezos is reportedly already planning a lavish divorce at the Taj Mahal.

For more news about everything Bezos, click here: Trump Declares War On JEFF, “That Man Cannot Have Nukes”

US Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell has announced plans to release his own personal cryptocurrency, POWCOIN in order to cash in on recent bullishness around crypto.

Just yesterday, Powell spoke to Congress and said that banks are free to conduct crypto activities.

The Fed chair reaffirmed that, “Banks get to decide who their customers are, that’s not our decision. So banks are free to provide banking services to the crypto industry, crypto companies. Banks are also free to conduct crypto activities as long as they do so in a way that is protective of safety and soundness.”

Powell might be late to the bitcoin bandwagon, but he’s reportedly now all in on the crypto hype train. He added to his previous statement that, “Banks are also free to trade $POWCOIN which drops this week! It’s going to be massive so I suggest you get in on the groundfloor, baby! POW!”

Powell Bitcoin Announcement — An unedited photograph of Powell making the announcement

Those accusing Jay of selling out will note that he is in finance; selling out is practically a part of the job description.

Powell Announces Fed Coin

Doubling down, Powell also announced that the Federal Reserve will release a tie-in coin, FED COIN ($FED). Economists predict that within the next 6 years, FED COIN will replace the gold standard.

After phasing out cash, coins, notes, checks, credit cards, emeralds, IOUs and gentlemen’s agreements, the Fed hopes that FED COIN will soon become the only currency left and the only currency worth using.

Markets have reacted to the announcements with unusual excitement, still conflating all cryptocurrencies as one. Bitcoin boosted 14000% to reach a new all-time high. $GLOOBCOIN also reached a massive high, now worth the GDP of a small island nation for just one coin.

For more on this story, go outside, smell the air. Then come back and read this: Trump’s Top 10 Picks To Replace Jerome Powell

US Rep. (Rep) MTG (Marjorie Taylor Greene) has responded to accusations that she bought shares in Palantir just days before stocks surged from a $30m ICE contract in the biggest potential insider trade since Nancy Pelosi shorted the whole US economy.

“How could I be insider trading when I’m a political outsider?” Taylor is rumored to have said. “I’m not one of those Washington Fat Cats, so how dare you accuse me of being an insider when I have worked my entire life to make sure I am very much on the outside.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene Palantir Insider Trades Tweet — Rumors about the trades began on X in April and have since been confirmed

“They won’t even let me in the room for some meetings, I have to put my ear to the door if I want to listen. And at lunchtime, they won’t even let me sit at their table. I have to eat off the dirt outside like a dog. They say, ‘Marjorie, there are other tables, you don’t have to do that’, but they don’t know what it’s like to be a political outsider.”

Taylor Greene claims that she gave her financial advisor full control of her financial portfolio and that she only learned of the trades when the press reported on them.

“That’s how much of an outsider I am, I don’t even know what’s going on. I can barely do my job.”

Although Marjorie Taylor Greene sits on the House Committee on Homeland Security, she does not sit on the subcommittee that oversees ICE, she sits on the Subcommittee on Counterterrorism and Intelligence instead.

Although she did buy shares days prior to the massive contract that gave Palantir a 60% stock bump, it is unclear that she knew and acted upon any information that was not public. As the US Securities Exchange Act of 1934 states, trading on potentially market-moving info that hasn’t been made public is illegal, but this might just be a big coincidence.

Here’s MTG’s full statement below:

“After many successful years of running my own business, I ran for Congress to bring that mindset to Washington. Now that I’m proudly serving the people of Northwest Georgia, I have signed a fiduciary agreement to allow my financial advisor to control my investments. All of my investments are reported with full transparency. I refuse to hide my stock trades in a blind trust like many others do. I learned about my Palantir trades when I saw it in the media.”

For more on this story, click somewhere else. For a different story, click here: Government Proposes New Health Plan: Just Walk It Off

BREAKING: In a controversial statement, a top bank has claimed that ‘money‘ (such as coins and bank cards, and all that) is still a vital part of everyday society.

In a memo that immediately tanked Dogecoin 6%, this top bank, which has chosen to remain anonymous, boldly stated:

“Despite the rise of crypto, clout tokens, and limited edition NFTs of Elon Musk’s left eyebrow, traditional money still plays a non-zero role in economic transactions.”

The news stunned the fintech community, which had recently pivoted to “vibe-based valuations” and “emotional liquidity” as part of the post-fiat enlightenment.

“Honestly, I thought we left ‘money’ behind with Blockbuster and physical touch,” said Chad Etherton, founder of the startup VenmoButForFeelings. “This is like saying we need gravity to walk.”

Markets reacted swiftly, as always, and without thinking. The Dow Jones rose 400 points in a straight line before remembering inflation exists and immediately spiraled into a trust-fall-style collapse.

Meanwhile, Bitcoin influencers gathered on a live Twitter Space titled “Fiat is Mid – Emergency Meeting.” One speaker, known only as @SatoshiButHot, passionately argued,

“We were promised a decentralized utopia where the only currency is nachos and Discord Nitro. This is betrayal!!”

Cash Matters? Based.

In a further twist, the bank clarified that “money” includes both “real money” (like dollars) and “less real money” (like whatever Robinhood says you have). Analysts from McKinsey & Company quickly translated the announcement into a 92-slide PowerPoint deck titled “Cash: The Original Crypto?”

After the dust settled, economists realized that all the bank was saying was that money is important and therefore they are still important, which is the same as not really saying anything at all really.

Retail investors, confused but eager, began panic-buying loose change. Nickel futures surged 19%, and the average Chuck E. Cheese token is now worth more than a Venezuelan Bolívar.

In other news, the Federal Reserve announced it would be “taking a long, hard look at vibes” as part of next quarter’s monetary policy. Chairman Powell reportedly said, “We’re not saying vibes are real, but… we feel like they might be. And that’s enough for rate hikes.”

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Oh my god. What year is this? I haven’t felt a rush like this since 2021. GameStop (GME), the company best known for giving you $2.14 and a sideways look for your entire Xbox collection, just took its meme stock status to the next level by yeeting $512.6 million into 4,710 Bitcoins, sending GME’s stock 2daMOON (up 3%)!!!

Yes, you read that right. GameStop, the mall relic you forgot existed until some guy named Roaring Kitty made it the most important stock in America in 2021, is now apparently a cryptocurrency titan. According to a press release written entirely in stonks memes and GIFs of rocket ships, the company has “diversified its treasury strategy” to include 4,710 Bitcoin.

Or in plain English: they just went full crypto degen.

GameStop Bitcoin — This image doesn’t really illustrate anything I just found it funny. Why is the giant coin in a pile of sand??

From Game Cases to Digital Coins: The Glow-Up No One Asked For

Following a minor internet event you may remember as THE ENTIRE MEME STOCK APOCALYPSE OF 2021, the company has been on a soul-searching journey.

“We asked ourselves, ‘What do we actually do?’” said CEO Chad Diamondhands. “The answer was clear: We are a vibe. A movement. A cult with a logo.”

And as with any modern cult, the next logical step was obviously dumping half a billion dollars into a volatile asset. Moreover, these assets can sometimes gain or lose 10% just because a tech billionaire tweets a meme of a dog farting on the moon.

Insiders and outsiders alike report the decision-making process looked like this:

First, Roaring Kitty posted a cat meme.
Next, someone in accounting replied “LFG 🚀.”
Then, the finance department flipped a Dogecoin.
Then, a corporate vote was held in the form of a Fortnite dance-off.
And finally, $513 million was wired to Coinbase.

Wall Street Reacts: “Wait, They Have That Much Cash?”

Meanwhile, analysts on CNBC tried their best to remain calm, and Jim Cramer announced, “Gamestop causes Bitcoin to pump!”

“This is either a genius move or a live demonstration of financial schizophrenia,” said hedge fund manager Rich McCondescenderson, while sweating visibly on-air. “We were hoping they’d maybe invest in cloud gaming or retail innovation. Instead, they YOLO’d into Bitcoin like it’s 2021 and Dogecoin still matters.”

Meanwhile, over on Reddit, r/wallstreetbets exploded with celebration:

“GME just became the Federal Reserve of meme coins.”
– u/DeepStonkThot69

“This is peak capitalism. I am so proud.”
– u/ElonMuskette420

In Case You Forgot: GameStop Is Still A Game Store

Once again, let’s take a moment to remember: this company sells used video games. Or rather, sold, before they followed in Michael Saylor’s micro-footsteps and pivoted to meme stock status, launching NFTs, and now throwing real-life millions into imaginary internet money.

So now GameStop says it plans to sell the Bitcoin in-store on scratched DVDs for $4 a piece. Will this move make GameStop rich beyond its wildest dreams, or bankrupt it faster than you can say “Mt. Gox”? Either way, we’re all buckled in for the ride.

GameStop’s new slogan, revealed besides the announcement, captures it best:

“Don’t just play games. Play GME.”

Disclosure: The author owns 0.0000003 BTC and one very sad GameStop receipt from 2012. This is not financial advice. This is performance art.

And if you’re looking for more shitty content like this, click here: Bitcoin Reaches ATH, Pizza Now Worth $1bn

In a shocking display of overachieving mediocrity, 29-year-old marketing associate Tyler Brenner logged into work Monday morning at 8:03 AM, blissfully unaware that no one else was doing the same.

Sources confirmed Tyler forgot it was Memorial Day, a national holiday celebrated by grilling meats, wearing patriotic cargo shorts, and, as is written by the founding fathers in the Constitution: not answering Slack messages.

“I thought the office group chat was quiet because people were heads down,” said Tyler, who had sent three emails, updated a Google Doc, and even scheduled a Zoom call with himself.

His only reply? A solitary ‘stars and stripes emoji’ reaction from a coworker who was clearly poolside, three beers deep, and using Teams on an iPad.

Markets Closed, Tyler Open

Despite the NYSE, Nasdaq, and common sense all being closed, Tyler bravely charged ahead, unaware that the only thing trading today was bratwurst for beer across every backyard in America.

Friends and family later confirmed Tyler has also forgotten Daylight Savings, Labor Day, and once attempted to show up to a wedding a week early because he “thought it was next Saturday.” Some say he may be the real-life embodiment of the “Grindset” meme, minus the Lambos and passive income.

Employee of the Month (But at What Cost? AT WHAT COST, TYLER??)

Tyler’s boss, when reached for comment from a hammock in Myrtle Beach, simply said:

“Honestly, let him. If he wants to write Q2 strategy while I’m shotgunning White Claws, that’s a win-win.”

Coworkers were less generous, flooding the office group chat later in the day with gifs of fireworks, eagles, and a well-timed “bro, go touch grass” from HR.

Tyler is reportedly planning to “take tomorrow off to make up for it,” completely unaware that no one will notice, and nothing he did today mattered.

For more from the very specific category of ‘local-man + national-holiday news’, click here: EMBARRASSING: Local Man Recycles Resolution From Last New Year