John Combs | Wall Street Memes

To the horror of millions, President Donald Trump has unveiled his ‘golden dome’ live on public television.

Trump made the announcement from the Oval Office, saying he was making good on a promise he made in the campaign. What he was about to unveil, Trump explained, would immediately frighten all their enemies away, for good this time.

“Netanyahu has an Iron Dome, a beautiful dome, I’ve seen it,” continued the President. “But mine is better, I thought, how are we going to make it better? We’re going to make it gold, so now I have a gold dome. It’s very nice, very shiny.”

Trump then proceeded to drop trow and expose himself to everyone in the room and watching live at home. Anyone who witnessed the event can fill out a form online to receive $130,000 in hush money.

The White House has since clarified that this is all a massive misunderstanding and Trump was supposed to unveil a brand new missile defence system called ‘The Golden Dome’. The original plan was to build a giant dome made of solid gold metal that would cover the continental United States and protect it from missile attacks, a device reportedly inspired by ‘The Simpsons Movie’ (2007).

However, it seems that Trump’s potentially deliberate mistake might have been a masterstroke as it appears that just the sight of the President’s national treasures might be more frightening to hostile nations than any missile.

“If your President is crazy enough to do this, who knows what he would do in an all-out war,” commented North Korean spokeswoman Kim Kim-Kim. “We are immediately withdrawing all troops from our borders and declaring unilateral surrender.”

China too has reportedly signed a global peace agreement on the condition that they never have to see Trump’s ‘Golden Dome’ ever again.

On the other hand, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he was impressed by Trump’s strongman gesture and plans to reveal his ‘Steel Dome’ in the coming months.

Who’s to say if this peace will last or if Trump will have to reveal additional gilded body parts in the future, but for now we have world peace, all thanks to Trump’s golden dome.

For more missile news, click here: Elon Unveils Rocket Catcher, Has 14 Missed Calls From Netanyahu

In a move that has taken things way too far, Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell has been uninvited from Donald Trump’s “Annual Birthday Barbecue Fun Day”.

The decision comes amid escalating tensions between Powell and President Trump over interest rates, tariffs, and the appropriate ratio of coleslaw to pulled pork.

Jay Powell has remained steadfast against Trump’s polite requests to alter the inflation rate, but the president has been unable to fire the chair or conduct any meaningful punishment because of stupid things like ‘laws’.

Trump has been left with no choice but to hit Jay where it’ll hurt hardest: right in the ribs.

The BDAY-BBQ, a longstanding tradition aimed at fostering camaraderie among the nation’s top officials, will proceed without any camaraderie fostered with the Fed Chair. Attendees can expect the usual fare: grilled meats, patriotic playlists, and spirited debates over monetary policy, but now with one less dissenting voice.

However, the White House assured reporters that this is not retaliation, but merely because he brought a fruit salad last year, and that’s just not on.

“The President just wants to ensure a fun, relaxed atmosphere, and nothing kills the vibe like a Jerome Powell.”

Powell, known for his steadfast commitment to the Fed’s independence, has stayed silent on the matter. However, insider reports suggest he was seen at a local Whole Foods, purchasing a modest selection of artisanal cheeses and a single bottle of kombucha, perhaps signaling plans for a solo picnic.

When reached for comment about this, the White House simply stated, “We wish Chairman Powell all the best in his future culinary endeavors and nothing else.”

Onlookers have begged Trump to end the hostilities. “Things have gone way, way too far,” hyperventilated political pervert, Morris Causden. “I thought he’d done his worst when Trump called Powell ‘Mr. Too Slow’, but I had no idea he could stoop even lower. To uninvite someone from a barbecue? Who would do such a thing? I’m going to hurl.”

“Please end the war! Enough bloodshed!” Mr. Causden added once he had returned from the bathroom. “Can’t we all live in peace?!! AAHHHH!!!”

Well, that’s the news. You can go home now.

For more on this story, click here: Trump Denies Plan To Fire Powell, Tesla’s New ‘Fed-Bot’ “Just For Decoration”

You might think you know your ETH from your elbow but how do you stack up against everyone else? Keyword: Crypto.

Try our quiz below to find out and don’t forget to share your scores on social media using the hashtag #QUIZ because I really need the answers, help, my interview’s in like five minutes and I don’t know shit. QUICKLY!

A. What is “blockchain”?

A long string of Legos.
A video game for (and by) children.
When you haven’t been able to use the toilet in a while.
All the above.

B. Which of the following is NOT a type of cryptocurrency?

Bitcoin
Ethereum
Solana
Dogecoin

C. What is “mining” in cryptocurrency?

When you dig into the ground and you find cryptocurrency.
A video game for (and by) children.
When you claim crypto to be yours.
All of the above.

D. What is a “cryptocurrency wallet“?

A wallet.
Not a wallet.
Like a wallet.
A wallet for cryptocurrency.

F. What does “decentralized” mean?

Doesn’t have a center.
Idk, look it up, you’ve got Google right?
Hard to pin down for Thursday margaritas.
It’s not illegal anymore.

D. What is Bitcoin’s (BTC) primary purpose?

To make coins smaller.
Conquer the world.
To make money.
All the above.

7. What is the term for transferring cryptocurrency from one wallet to another?

Transferring.
Cybersex.
Sending money to you, babes.
Venmo.

69. What does “ATH” stand for in cryptocurrency trading?

A sneeze.
Aggressive Thanks, Henry
Arms, Throat, Head
All Together, Henry!

K. What is a “smart contract”?

A contract that you can sign on your phone.
A contract that’s actually decent, like one you might make with a buddy.
A timeshare.
A contract that is smarter than you.

4.5 Which of the following is a common risk associated with investing in cryptocurrency?

Getting mega-rich.
Losing touch with the common man.
Getting egged while you’re sleeping.
Dirt.

So, how did you do? You can check your answers by emailing them to me, john@wallstreetmemes.com and I’ll let you know if you got them right after my interview!

Please, I really need this.

For more fun and games, try out our other quiz: If You Can Read This, You Might Have Brain Rot

Donald Trump has released more than 63,000 previously redacted pages about the death of President John F. Kennedy. After scouring 2,200 files, experts have unanimously concluded that JFK was not assassinated as previously thought but his death was likely a suicide.

Although numerous conspiracy theories have abounded since the death of the president in 1963, it turns out this new evidence concludes that they are all wrong.

Documents include an invoice paid by JFK himself for Lee Harvey Oswald’s travel expenses and correspondence between the two men, detailing that JFK was eager to “go out with a bang.”

Scholars now believe that JFK paid Lee Harvey Oswald to assassinate him in order to escape his crippling mafia debts and an undiagnosed addiction to “eating chalk”.

However, a newly unredacted (just ‘dacted’ then?) autopsy report reveals that it was not Oswald’s bullet that killed the president. Instead, anticipating that Oswald would be a poor shot, JFK hired a second shooter to hide on the grassy knoll, just in case Oswald missed.

That second shooter happened to be drunk on the day of the shooting and so also missed, forcing JFK to take matters into his own hands. The president subsequently fired a shot from a concealed revolver in his lap up into his own head and face. The weapon was later hidden by Jackie Kennedy who was reported eager to conceal her husband’s actions. Suicide is a sin after all.

And all of this took place simultaneously.

Understandably the American Government of America was keen to hide this information in order to protect JFK’s pristine image and the sancriscant office of the President. The information has thus been kept hidden from the public until now.

Although fans of outlandish explanations might be disappointed, hopefully, this new information will put to bed all conspiracy theories about the incident forever and no one will need to discuss it ever again.

The currently president of the United States of America, Donald Joey Trump has accused formerly President Joey Donald Biden of being a pen this whole time.

In an address to reporters, Trump said, “The man was grossly incompetent. All you have to do is take a look, he signs by autopen. Who was signing all this stuff by autopen? Who would think to sign important documents by autopen?”

Given time to think on the idea, Trump eventually landed on a much deeper and more disturbing theory: Biden was not just using an autopen, Biden actually is a pen.

Think about it, pens are long and thin, can’t walk up airplane steps and are only used by old people. It all makes sense. Trump confirmed his theory when he was walking around the White House and came across the hall of presidential photos. Finding Biden’s picture to be particularly unusual, he snapped a pic and shared it on X:

Trump Dubs Scandal ‘Pengate’

This all started when, last week, people started to line up Biden’s signatures and realized they were suspiciously similar as if they were signed by the same person. Rumors began to fly that they were in fact the same person and this person was an autopen.

An autopen is a machine that signs documents on a person’s behalf to deal with a large volume of signatures. Since an autopen can’t legally run for president, this would be the greatest political scandal in history.

Trump has gone on to claim that every document Biden signed through this method is now null and void, particularly the large number of presidential pardons signed in his last few weeks in office.

However, signacologists have quickly pointed out that Trump should want to avoid people looking too closely into the legality of signaturistics.

Dr. Elbow Moston, an accomplished signaturist points out that whereas Biden’s signatures are all uniform and definitely the same person, “All of Donald Trump’s signatures are very slightly different. Who’s to say that’s actually Trump signing and not a completely different person each time?”

Moston also points to Biden’s presidential pen (see featured image above) to disprove Trump’s theory. “You’ll note that this pen is signed by Joe Biden, if Joe Biden were a pen how could he sign himself? Now think about that one will you.”

“ALSO!” Moston continued, frothing at the mouth, “Has anyone thought that maybe Trump’s also a pen? Huh? No? Well, how do you explain this!”

Moston thrust this pen into my face and ran away into the forest.

Well, that’s damning evidence if ever I saw it.

Here’s Trump’s full accusation from Truth Social because I have a word count to fill:

“The “Pardons” that Sleepy Joe Biden gave to the Unselect Committee of Political Thugs, and many others, are hereby declared VOID, VACANT, AND OF NO FURTHER FORCE OR EFFECT, because of the fact that they were done by Autopen. In other words, Joe Biden did not sign them but, more importantly, he did not know anything about them! The necessary Pardoning Documents were not explained to, or approved by, Biden. He knew nothing about them, and the people that did may have committed a crime. Therefore, those on the Unselect Committee, who destroyed and deleted ALL evidence obtained during their two year Witch Hunt of me, and many other innocent people, should fully understand that they are subject to investigation at the highest level. The fact is, they were probably responsible for the Documents that were signed on their behalf without the knowledge or consent of the Worst President in the History of our Country, Crooked Joe Biden!”

This article is sponsored by Sharpie, “Write out loud!”

The estate of the late chocolatier, William K. Wonka has filed a lawsuit against Donald K. Trump regarding his latest plan to offer ‘Gold Card’ Visas to the wealthy.

The Wonka estate claims that Trump, “Plagiarised the golden ticket idea fully, wholeheartedly and with malice. We demand full compensation and a golden ticket for ourselves.”

Trump’s idea differs from the master chocolatier’s promotional factory tour since the Gold Card visa cannot be discovered in a chocolate bar but must instead be purchased for $5 million. The plan aims to increase government cash flow and raise the number of immigrants entering the country, wait, no, that’s not…

“I don’t care if they’re completely different,” continued the Wonka lawsuit, “Wonka Co. has long held a trademark on the word ‘gold’ and the Trump organization has repeatedly flounced that legal ownership. We demand full ownership of Trump Tower and every gold Trump-branded item immediately, please.”

Legal experts say that Wonka is unlikely to win any such case. The lawsuit follows an increasingly litigious streak from the company after Wonka filed a claim against an unlicensed Glaswegen Wonka immersive experience last year.

Meanwhile, Trump’s gold card program is expected to launch in two weeks and adds an important new color to the ‘card’ system. You see, whilst there already exists a green card visa and a red card may be used to end a conversation, the world has never seen anything as powerful as a magic gold card before.

When asked specifically about Russian oligarchs buying the card for some reason, Trump said, “Yeah, possibly. Hey. I know some Russian oligarchs that are very nice people,” which is a normal thing for an American president to say.

The gold card will replace a similar scheme called the EB-5 which is almost identical to the gold card but has a lower price tag and doesn’t have the word ‘gold’ in it so this one’s much cooler I guess.

Meanwhile, Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory continues to… wait… what’s that? Oh no, it’s… it’s… IT’S THE UNKNOWN! AAARRRGGHGGHHHH!!!

GAZA, MOZAMBIQUE – A local man (local if you live in Gaza, Mozambique) has expressed his regret after spending $50 million of US government aid entirely on contraceptives for himself.

Eduardo Guardo, who requested he remain anonymous, explained, “What can I say? I thought I’d get lucky. Yeah, using $50 million worth of condoms would require constant sex until the heat death of the universe, but I’m a hopeful man. No, I still haven’t had sex yet but fingers crossed!”

Mr. Guardo, who remains a virgin, recently read a book on ‘pickup’ techniques to increase his chance of romance. After becoming confident in his abilities, Mr. Guardo estimated he would need at least $50 million worth of condoms. This was not the case however and Mr. Guardo in fact required $0 million worth of condoms.

“So now I’ve got this massive warehouse filled with rubbers and idk what to do with them. I thought maybe I could get into balloon animals or something.”

Mr. Guardo’s purchase became a point of controversy recently after Elon Musk claimed this was an example of government overspending. Musk however misunderstood and thought the condoms went to the Gaza Strip (which would be a problem) and not Gaza, Mozambique (which is fine, actually).

It still remains unclear if the cited overspending did indeed happen but the condoms have reportedly somehow ended up in the hands of Hamas.

“I needed a buyer, ok?” confirmed Mr. Guardo. “If they’re going to do it and I can’t stop them then I’d rather they were doing it safely, you know? You have fun, kids.”

Leaked information speculates Hamas will now sell the condoms back to the US and use the money to buy weapons. And the circle of life continues…

The President’s personal physician, Dr. Cabzo Eirangily has warned Donald Trump that, should he continue working at his current pace, he could die in a matter of minutes.

“As President Trump’s second most trusted medical source after RFK Jr., I am seriously encouraging him to take a break,” Dr. Eirangily explained. “We’re not even a month into his second presidency and so far he has… Hold on, I’ll speak in bullet points so it’s easier to follow:”

“And what, he’s expected to do this for four years? No whey hose A. I’m worried one more trade war and he might die of ‘too much president’. Just look at what happen to J’Biden.”

“I would also,” the doctor then turned directly to me and looked me dead in the eyes, “I would also like it if you would stop encouraging him.”

“You’re always writing about him, reporting on every little major thing he does and it just motivates him to do more. If you really care about this man’s health as I sure do then you’ll stop writing stories on him, OK? Deal?”

Deal.

[NOTE: This entire article has now been redacted. DO NOT READ.]

As one of his many first acts as the new king of the free world, Donald Jordana Trump has written an executive order rolling back diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI) schemes that he calls “dangerous, demeaning and immoral” and if only he’d found an ‘E’ word instead of ‘demeaning’ he could have done something clever there.

A government memo written in large Sharpie letters has told federal agencies to put all diversity staff on immediate paid leave.

“Yeah, it’s a win-win for me,” commented self-proclaimed diversity hire, Eric Trump. “I don’t have to work and I still get paid? Hell yeah, what’s not to like?”

The memo gives instructions to put staff on leave, report back with how they’ve done that, submit a plan for further staff reductions, AND report any effort to disguise DEI programs with “coded or imprecise language” whatever that means, could they be more precise?

In the kerfuffle, Elon Musk has reportedly also been put on leave. Internal documents from the Office of Personal Management (OPM) suggest that Musk might have been a DEI hire all along having ticked the boxes on his application for ‘African’, ‘probably on the spectrum’ and ‘just generally unemployable’.

So to explain for the people in the back row: the idea is that DEI is supposed to compensate for those traditionally discriminated against by gender, ethnicity, sexuality, religion, disability and trivia knowledge. Opinions on DEI predictably divide along political lines with the liberal left LAMEstream media saying it’s a necessary policy to help rectify hundreds of years of injustice and unconscious biases. The conservative right COOLstream media say that it’s fundamentally unAmerican and unDemocratic and unMeritocratic and unConstitutional, people should be hired on ability, not anything else and to do so is in fact the prejudiced option.

The truth is both opinions are correct but who is right? Does DEI actually address inequality or does it just get abused? Can people hire fairly PURELY based on merit without any other biases getting in the way? The problem is not a disagreement with whether DEI works or is fair, the problem is that both sides aren’t in agreement with the initial premise that there even is any inequality. The left says there are still deeply entrenched disparities whilst some on the right say no, racism ended with Obama (or something, idk). Keep going right and the extreme opinion is that there is inequality and that’s a good thing, the wHites should be out on top, but now we’re into plain old-fashioned racism.

The difficulty is that all these arguments and opinions are all swirled up in each other making it hard to separate good-faith arguments from your classic bigotry. And that confusion isn’t helped by the left seeing that swirly mess and crying ‘racist’ because it’s the most hyperbolic retort like what I just did a paragraph ago.

Maybe that’s too forgiving to Trump. It’s hard to look at a mass firing of theoretically underrepresented people and not think it’s mean-spirited. Without an agreement on the initial problem and without an agreement on whether the solution works, it feels more like political flexing than an actual step to making things better.

What do you think? Email in or comment below with your favorite death threat.

Although he literally just stepped down as Canadian Prime Minister, controversial politician Justin Trudeau has announced that he will run for the Office of the President of the United States of America in 2029.

“I’ve had a lot of time to think recently,” explained the 53-year-old has-been. “And I thought my political life was over. But then I thought, where’s the one place where it doesn’t matter where you’ve come from? The one place where being a controversial politician is actually useful? The one place where being 53 is actually really really young? That’s right. The White House.”

Although Trudeau will be ineligible to run for president as, amongst other things, he isn’t American, this doesn’t mean he can’t campaign, it would just be a bit weird. But hey, if he wants to waste his money, fine by me.

“I AM THE ONLY MAN WHO CAN BEAT DONALD TRUMP,” added Trudeau even though I could have sworn he’d left. “He’s not a man he’s a monster! The only person to bring him in line will be me! ME!”

It remains unclear if Trump will even run in 2029 however as the Constitution forbids a third term but what does it know anyway? It’s just a bit of paper. And scissors beats paper.

Trudeau’s reign has been rife with controversy from corruption scandals to blackface scandals which are the worst two scandals. Since his resignation, the Canadian Liberal party has yet to announce a successor but insiders suggest they might just not bother this time.

“Do we really need a Prime Minister?” asks Kota Braly, my neighbor who happens to be Canadian and opinionated. “America doesn’t have a Prime Minister and they’re doing alright. Maybe a secondary minister, I’d settle for that, but a Prime one? Idk [sic] if that’s necessary.”

“Woah, slow down there,” oh my god, it’s Constitutional Jim, the only superhero with the same powers as a political constitution! “That’s right kids and I’m here to tell you that a political system that elects a single figurehead to power, whilst opening up an avenue for tyranny, actually can have the inverse effect of increased accountability. After all, if you can’t put a face to a political name so to speak then how would you know who to blame?”

Wow, thanks Constitutional Jim, you really cleared up that political dilemma for me. I guess my neighbor Kota is an idiot and a Canadian.

“She sure is, kid.”

Well, we sure could have done with your help when we were actually talking about constitutions rather than this later bit which isn’t as relevant.

“… Uhuh. Constitutional Jim, away!”

Alright, thanks for watching, don’t forget to like and subscribe.

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