Ashley Biden joins family tradition by forgetting to pay taxes

Tax amnesia seems to be running in the first family as latest reports have exposed Ashley Biden owing thousands in income taxes. 

In doing so, the daughter of the US president has joined her brother, Hunter Biden, who is supposed to pay at least $1.4 million for years 2016 through 2019. 

After all, the Biden family is known for their heartwarming tales of unity and love. But, the charming display of sibling rivalry comes with not-so-much of a competition as Ashley opted for a more modest sum of $5,000. 

In the parallel storyline of her brother, Hunter is the trailblazer in the family, especially when it comes to money matters. He is the reigning champion with his high-profile tax escapades setting a rather lofty standard. 

Ashley’s approach, on the other hand, revolves around the subtle art of oversight. Where Hunter’s tax narrative reads like a thrilling novel, Ashley’s is more of a short story.

“It’s all about baby steps for Ashley. Why go big on tax evasion when you can start small and work your way up?”commented a family advisor who wishes to remain anonymous.

In a family where dinner table conversations should presumably revolve around tax fairness and fiscal responsibility, the Bidens would rather be laughing at the ones paying taxes.

Sources close to the family say that Ashley might have misunderstood her father’s speeches on tax evasion as ‘family advice’ rather than political rhetoric. 

With a professional background in social work and activism, one can only wonder how she ended up in the midst of a tax oversight saga. 

Perhaps Ashley is just trying to empathize with the common Americans’ struggle with tax codes. Or maybe she is bringing forth a new “Do As We Say, Not As We Do” policy.

Whatever is the case, the sibling duo have now become pioneers of a financial approach that blends forgetfulness and avant-garde accounting in the White House. It has definitely set a new bar for fiscal responsibility—or lack thereof.

Research Shows Running Away from Responsibilities Burns More Calories

Experts have unveiled a new exercise trend that’s sweeping the nation: literally running away from responsibilities. This innovative approach to fitness, aptly named “Responsibility Evasion Cardio Treatment” (RECT), is being hailed as the ultimate solution for those looking to burn calories and avoid the daunting tasks of adult life.

The founder of RECT, Jenny Sprinter, explains, “We’ve found that the adrenaline rush from dodging responsibilities is a fantastic calorie burner. Plus, it’s way more exhilarating than a treadmill.”

Participants of RECT are encouraged to create a list of their most pressing responsibilities, ranging from paying bills to answering work emails. Once the list is complete, they are instructed to physically run in the opposite direction whenever they think about these tasks.

Early adopters of the trend report significant weight loss, increased stamina, and an unparalleled sense of freedom. “I’ve never felt more alive,” says Mark Evader, a long-time practitioner. “As soon as I feel the urge to clean my house, I just put on my sneakers and run to the nearest coffee shop. The pounds are melting away!”

However, not everyone is on board with this unconventional fitness method. Critics argue that while RECT may offer short-term health benefits, it could lead to long-term life complications. Financial advisor Penny Saver warns, “Those miles might be piling up, but so are your unpaid bills.”

Despite the controversy, RECT classes are popping up in gyms across the country, offering a sanctuary for those looking to combine fitness with a carefree lifestyle. The classes typically end with a group cool-down session, where participants relax and share tips on how to evade more responsibilities.

As this new fitness craze continues to gain momentum, it’s clear that running away from responsibilities might just be the path to a healthier, albeit more chaotic, life.

Biden Introduces Affordable Student Loan Plan: Pay Back $0 a Month

The Biden-Harris administration heralds its new flagship student loan repayment plan as one of the “most affordable” to ever exist. Aimed at lowering monthly payments for millions of borrowers, the “Saving on A Valuable Education” or SAVE initiative even sets payments to $0 for some students (They may have read our guide to student loans).

On the flip side, the Republicans were quick to bash the plan, tagging it as a “free college scheme”. In September, Senator Bill Cassidy introduced a joint resolution with other congressional Republicans to overturn Biden’s “reckless income-driven repayment (IDR) rule”.

According to them, the SAVE scheme could leave taxpayers on the hook for as much as $559 billion, making it the costliest regulation in US history. In the Congressional Review Act (CRA) resolution, the conservative critics argued that the Biden administration was just promoting the SAVE scheme “as a solution to America’s broken student loan system”:

“The only difference between President Biden and a snake oil salesman is a title……In reality, the SAVE scheme is a desperate effort to curry favor and buy votes ahead of the next election.

On late Wednesday, the Senate floor heard Cassidy commenting on the plan saying: “Where is the forgiveness for the guy who didn’t go to college but is working to pay off the loan on the truck he takes to work? This is irresponsible. It is deeply unfair.”

However, the Democrat-controlled Senate managed to narrowly strike down this Republican-led effort. They voted majoritarily along party lines in a 49-50 vote, making the latest challenge to Biden’s generous repayment plan null and void. 

On the occasion of the measure failing to pass the house, Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer said:  “I’m very glad this chamber had the good sense to defeat it. This is a real victory for our young people and for the future of America.”

Earlier in the same week, the President had indicated in a memo that he would veto the joint resolution anyway in case it passes Congress and reaches his desk. 

The new repayment plan has already attracted nearly 5.5 million borrowers, according to the Education department as of November. Out of this, about 2.9 million have their payments set at $0. The interest for borrowers and base monthly loan repayments are capped according to their incomes and family sizes. 

The press release further stated that the borrowers enrolled in SAVE are saving an estimated $102 a month ($1,224 a year) compared to what they would have paid on the Revised Pay As You Earn (REPAYE) plan. Calling this the “most affordable repayment plan ever”, Education Secretary, Miguel Cardona, was quoted as saying:

“Under President Biden, the Department created the SAVE Plan so that young people and working families can climb the economic ladder without unaffordable student loan debt weighing them down. I’m thrilled to see that in less than three months, nearly 5.5 million Americans in every community across the country are taking advantage of the SAVE Plan’s many benefits, from lower monthly payments to protection from runaway student loan interest.”

Cramer Just Predicted a Market Rally. We’re Screwed.

Jim Cramer, the renowned CNBC personality known for his bold Wall Street and finance segments, might have just sealed our financial doom. Cramer, who has become a bit of a financial Cassandra (only in reverse), is infamous for his often misguided market predictions, leading to what many traders wryly refer to as the “inverse Cramer effect.” This curious phenomenon suggests a simple yet bizarre strategy: do the exact opposite of what Cramer recommends.

from Not Jerome Powell on

This week, following the release of the Consumer Price Index (CPI) data that hinted at a decrease in inflation, Cramer took to his show with his usual flair. He made a bold prediction about Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell orchestrating a “soft landing” for the economy and spurred talks of an imminent market rally. Under normal circumstances, this would be cause for celebration. However, in the bizarro world of Cramer’s financial forecasting, this is the equivalent of sounding the alarm bells.

Why, you ask? Because Cramer’s track record reads like a how-to guide on being spectacularly wrong. His latest prophecy has left seasoned investors and market watchers in a state of high alert. The fear is palpable – if Cramer says up, history suggests the market is about to take a nosedive down.

So, what does this mean for the average Joe and Jane with their 401(k)s and modest portfolios? In the words of financial analysts who have learned to read the tea leaves of Cramer’s forecasts: brace yourselves. We might be on the cusp of not just a hard landing but a full-blown, buckle-your-seatbelts, hold-onto-your-hats, prolonged bear market, and potentially a recession that could make the 2008 financial crisis look like a hiccup.

In light of this, the new market mantra might just be “Cramer says buy; we say bye!” As unconventional as it sounds, in a world where up is down and left is right in the realm of financial predictions, doing the opposite of what Jim Cramer suggests could be the safest bet for your financial health. So, when Cramer says it’s time to rally, perhaps it’s really time to batten down the hatches and prepare for a financial storm.

Remember, in the topsy-turvy world of Wall Street, sometimes the best advice comes from the least expected places – like doing the exact opposite of what a famed finance guru suggests. So, as Cramer’s latest prediction of economic sunshine and rainbows makes the rounds, savvy investors might just be quietly whispering to themselves, “Sell everything.” Because, in the end, the inverse Cramer effect might be the most reliable financial advisor we’ve got.

Not financial advice.

Nation Celebrates Inflation Drop by Planning Black Friday Spending Spree

Recently released CPI figures show the United States has seen a remarkable decrease in inflation, primarily thanks to falling gasoline and used car prices. The streets are buzzing with joy, as citizens plan to commemorate this economic milestone by buying an additional 70 inch flat screen tv on Black Friday.

As the Labor Department released figures showing a soothing 3.2% inflation rate, down from the nerve-wracking 3.7% in September, Americans everywhere rejoiced. “It’s like getting a raise without having to do anything!” exclaimed one shopper, eyeing a new TV that’s still out of her budget.

The decline in inflation, attributed largely to the easing of pandemic-related supply chain issues, has led to an unexpected surge in consumer confidence. “I thought I’d never see the day when buying a slightly used sedan would feel like a steal,” said a local dad, who has been putting off replacing the family minivan for what feels like decades.

The core prices, which exclude those roller-coaster ride-like food and energy items, rose a modest 0.2%. Economists are hailing this as a victory, with some already nominating themselves for Nobel Prizes for their accurate, albeit constantly changing, predictions.

Barclays predicts a further decrease in inflation, but Americans seem to have a different plan. “Lower prices? Great, let’s buy more stuff we don’t need!” said a consumer, who just heard the news and is now planning a celebratory trip to the nearest electronics store.

As for gasoline prices dropping by 5%, families are already planning their next road trip. “Who cares if we have nowhere to go? Gas is cheap!” said a mom, as she started packing for a trip to a destination to be decided later.

The Federal Reserve, witnessing this euphoria, is contemplating whether to raise interest rates just to dampen the party. “We can’t have too much fun now, can we?” joked a Fed official,  as the money printers slowed down in the background..

As the nation grapples with this newfound economic ‘stability’, citizens are gearing up to do what they do best – spend money in celebration, because what better way to combat lower inflation than by trying to single-handedly raise it again!

DeSantis Ditches Boots for Halloween, Opts for a More “Grounded” Look

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Governor Ron DeSantis has decided to swap his infamous boots for a more “down-to-earth” Halloween costume this year. Sources close to the Governor’s mansion have leaked that DeSantis will be dressing up as none other than one of the Seven Dwarves.

For those out of the loop, a recent viral video showcased the Governor donning a pair of boots that suspiciously seemed to have heel lifts, presumably to add a few inches to his stature.

Critics were quick to point out that the boots might be a compensatory measure for DeSantis’s height, or lack thereof. The Governor, however, has remained tight-lipped about the video, choosing instead to let his Halloween costume do the talking.

“It’s a bold move,” commented Tallahassee resident, Patty Simmons. “I mean, going as one of the dwarves? After that video? It’s like he’s saying, ‘I see your jokes and raise you a costume.'”

But the choice of a dwarf might not just be a nod to the recent boot debacle. Insiders speculate that this could also be a subtle jab at Disney amidst their ongoing legal tussle with the state. With Disney’s headquarters located in the heart of Florida, and Snow White being one of their iconic characters, DeSantis’s costume choice seems to be more than just a coincidence.

“Is it a coincidence? Maybe. Is it hilarious? Absolutely,” remarked local comedian, Jake Hernandez.

While the Governor’s office has yet to release an official statement about the costume, Floridians are eagerly awaiting Halloween night. Many are curious to see if DeSantis will fully commit to the role, complete with the oversized ears and purple hat.

One thing is for sure, this Halloween, DeSantis is set to be the talk of the town, and for once, it won’t be about his boots.

In a Triumph of Bidenomics, US Deficit Nears $1.7 Trillion

In an astonishing display of economic acumen, the United States, under the infallible guidance of Bidenomics, has successfully bolstered its national debt to a near staggering $1.7 trillion, marking a fiscal year that historians might one day refer to as “The Great Accrual.”

Sources report that White House staffers, in a burst of innovative problem-solving, have been seen digging through the cushions of sofas, desperately seeking any spare change to contribute to the national coffers. “We were hoping for loose dollars, maybe a forgotten Lincoln or two,” one anonymous staffer shared, a sense of disappointment palpable in their voice as they held up a bag of inexplicably found substances. “But all we’ve found so far is some dusty cocaine. We’re holding onto it for… uh, evidence. Yes, evidence.”

Meanwhile, the Federal Reserve has taken a more traditional approach, revving up the money printers and preparing for a fresh batch of crisp, newly minted bills. “Who needs a budget when you have an endless supply of paper and ink?” commented a Fed insider, the sound of printers whirring like music in the background. “It’s eco-friendly too; we’re recycling the economic plans from the 1920s.”

In international affairs, President Zelensky has reportedly been leaving voicemail after voicemail, puzzled why his once-frequent calls with President Biden have suddenly gone unanswered. Sources suggest the new, trendy war in Gaza has taken precedence, with funding whimsically redirected in a display of geopolitical ‘hot potato’ budgeting.

The fiscal year did indeed close with a flourish, the deficit hitting a high note at $1.695 trillion, a figure achieved through meticulous planning, such as a casual $457 billion drop in revenue and a modest cut in expenses by $137 billion – because who needs revenue when debt is the new black?

As the national debt hovers around a cool $33.6 trillion, up $10 trillion since the pre-COVID days, nostalgia for the pandemic’s simpler times is palpable. “Remember the good old days when we only had a health crisis?” mused a Treasury official while signing a $659 billion check for the interest payment on the debt.

Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, reaffirmed the administration’s iron-clad commitment to, eventually, consider possibly thinking about addressing the long-term fiscal challenges. “We have strategies,” she announced, waving a colorful array of pie charts and bar graphs, “and we expect they might reduce the deficit, theoretically, at some point over the next decade.”.

All this economic pageantry has coincided with President Biden’s humble request for just a smidge more funding – $105 billion, give or take – for humanitarian aid amidst the latest Middle Eastern conflict.

As staffers continue their sofa excavations and the money printers hum in harmonious symphony, the nation waits with bated breath to witness which economic marvel Bidenomics will unveil next.