Author: Pen Smith

This year US politicians won big at the Golden Globes with the award for ‘best comedy or musical’ being handed to the great song and dance that is the US government.

Joe Biden was in attendance to accept the award on behalf of all the hard-working politicians who work day in and day out to make us laugh.

“I’d like to thank the academy, of course,” he said in his acceptance speech. “I’d like to thank Jesus and all the honest American voters who committed voter fraud to get me in power. You know we’re entertainers, we entertain, that’s why we got into this crazy old business in the first place. And to think that we did our small part to put a smile on your faces, well that just makes it all worthwhile. Thank you. God bless.”

Donald Trump commented on the award in a Truth Social post saying, “I WAS ROBBED! THE FAILING GOLDEN GLOBES IS A DISGRACE!!!! When I’m inaugurated I will show this country the BIGGEST and BEST musical with the HIGHEST RATINGS this country has ever seen!”

Other snubs of the night included the US Postal Service which lost out on Best Sound Editing to Gladiator II and Andrew Scott who was beaten by Colin Farrell and I know that’s a controversial opinion but I’m sorry, Andrew Scott is a treasure and an icon and I feel like not enough people saw Ripley but it’s incredible, it’s slow but really moody and it just grows on you and I will fight anyone who says he didn’t deserve to win.

The Golden Globes is often seen as ‘the pre-Oscars’, AKA ‘Oscars round one’, AKA ‘the Oscars warm up’, AKA ‘not the real Oscars’, AKA ‘the Oscars but shit’ and so many of the winners will be seen as front runners for an academy award. The US Government is thus in with a very good chance to gain its first Oscar although it’s unclear in which category. 

Experts speculate that the government will only be eligible for a Best Supporting Actress award. Others say that a new, pity award, category like ‘Best American Government’ will need to be created like they did for Black Panther and we all saw how that went.

With this win, Joe Biden becomes the only president to hold a coveted EGOT.

PENSACOLA, FL: Local man Gary Siphonson, (unless you’re not local to him, in which case, I don’t know what to tell you) has made his New Year resolution to learn how to juggle for the fifth time in a row, humiliating family, friends, co-workers and Jesus.

The incident occurred on New Year’s Eve when Mr. Siphonson was involved in a light-hearted discussion concerning resolutions with family members. According to witnesses, everyone took turns to say what they would like to achieve or change or give up in the next year but when it came to Gary’s turn he stated, “Errr, I dunno. I think I’ll pick up juggling.”

“For the love of God, Gary, pick something else,” lamented sister Georgie upon hearing the news. “You’re not going to learn to juggle, you’re never going to learn to juggle. You said you were going to learn to juggle last year and the year before that and the year before that and the year before that. Just admit it, it’s not going to happen.”

“You haven’t touched my balls all year,” added Shannon, Gary’s wife. “I bought you those juggling balls when you first mentioned you wanted to learn and I think I saw you practicing once before you said it was too hard and threw one at the dog which really frightened him and I had to clean up the mess he made while you went and sulked in the corner. I’m starting to think twice about buying you those miniature chainsaws for Christmas.”

When encouraged to display what he had learned from five years of juggling resolutions, Mr. Siphonson stubbornly snatched up three eggs and a wine bottle, said, “Watch this,” then threw the items at the ceiling. Mr. Siphonson ducked to avoid the egg yolks and shattered glass but failed to dodge most of the debris. After a moment of silence in which everyone stared speechless at the egg-covered man, Mr. Siphonson, 46, burst into tears and ran from the room.

When reached for comment, Mr. Siphonson said, “I don’t know why anyone cares, it’s just a stupid game. I just say juggling so people stop asking, I didn’t think they would take it seriously. This is the least wonderful time of the year ever.”

It seems unlikely that next year Mr. Siphonson will take on his family’s advice and make his New Year’s resolution to think up an original New Year’s resolution.

If you could say anything about this year it’s that it’s been a year, that’s for sure. Of all the years preceding this one (1898 or 1310 for example), this year is certainly the one that has been experienced most recently.

So, as this year draws to a close let’s look back and reminisce on all the best year-end lists from this year.

Number 8: The Bucklinville Enquirer’s Annual Best Films List

Only a few hundred people have ever visited Bucklinville, Nebraska and even fewer have heard of it. But this town’s local newspaper lists the best films of the year and it is the ONLY film list that correctly ranks the year’s films. When it comes to taste, Bucklinville can’t be beat.

Number 7: Barak Obama’s Favorite Books, Music and Movies List

I for one think it’s utterly repulsive that this man has all this free time to read and enjoy himself when he should be running the country. I don’t care if you tell me he’s not the president, I know he’s secretly still pulling the strings and he should really take that job more seriously.

Number 6: Top 6 Best Colonoscopies of the Year

This one comes from a medical journal and I know it might seem invasive at first, but it’s a probing read that dug deep to identify exactly what makes a good colonoscopy so revealing. Well worth a peek.

Number 5: Spotify Wrapped

Who doesn’t love music? You, apparently. You only listened to 107,000 hours of music, 6,456 artists, and 2 million individual genres this year. You’re a goddamn failure and an embarrassment, you know that right?

Number 4: My Annual ‘Ex-Girlfriends Ranked’ List

You probably haven’t seen this one because it goes out in my electronic mail newsletter each year, but every year I rank all three of my ex-girlfriends. I know that might not seem like it’s related to this year, but trust me my opinion of who gets the top spot varies WILDLY, year in year out. Plus there are always some more honorable mentions for the ‘one’s that got away’ portion of the newsletter.

Number 3: Schindler’s List

Just a solid film and a solid list so it always gets a spot on my best lists list. One of the best lists to ever do it.

Number 2: Just Any Solid To-Do List

Look let’s not downplay the small achievements, if you went out one day this year with a solid, actionable list of tasks and you got them done well hell I’d say that’s worth a spot on this ranking. You should be proud son.

Number 1: This List

I don’t want to blow my own trumpet (I’ve tried and I just don’t bend that way) but I think this is a pretty solid list, don’t you? I can’t list a list that I’ve missed otherwise it would be here. Why do you think it’s top eight and not top ten? Because these are the top, the only ones worth mentioning. If there were ten top ones, I would have put ten, ok? It’s a perfect list. Honestly, I think I nailed this one.

TikTok’s ticked off as the clock’s tick-tocking for the top scrolling dot com to get shot of spy bots and go back to hip-hop and dance-offs.

Stop the clock! A lot of pots have got dropped off top cop slop mop brain rot…

Ok, that’s enough of that. THE NEWS is that TikTok is facing a ban if they can’t sell off their parent company. The government’s worried about Chinese interference but TikTok says there’s no interference which of course they would say… TikTok users are against the potential ban as they like to use the app but if they get their information through TikTok then of course they would say that…

The head of TikTok met with Donald Trump recently to protest the move but Trump’s not the president. Does the CEO even know? How embarrassing. 

TikTok’s going to protest this case and take it to the Supreme Court but what are they going to do? You think the SUPREME Court has any power? Yes. Yes, they do. So maybe they’ll stop it.

The argument from TikTok’s end is that the ban violates freedom of speech but idk that feels like they’re reaching. For example, I’m free to wet myself but that doesn’t mean I want to do it. You know what I mean? Ok, let me put it simply. I wet myself every day of my life.  I can’t help it. I can’t do anything about it. I’ve seen doctors and they all say that there’s nothing wrong with me I should just get up to go pee more. But I don’t want to get up and go pee. The toilet’s, like, all the way over on the other side of the room. So now I’m just sitting here in my own piss. And I’m cold and I’m wet and I smell.

That’s what’s happening with TikTok.

Maybe they’ll successfully fight their case, but maybe not. It feels weird that one of the biggest social media platforms in the world right now could potentially be just shut down. That’s not a way to go. No, social media websites deserve the noble death of becoming more and more irrelevant until they fade into obscurity and are only used by trolls and goblins. Like an abandoned dungeon. Look a Facebook, now that’s dying with dignity, unlike me who, again, is sitting in a puddle of my own urine.

Now that Thanksgiving has officially run its course and all thanks have been suitably expunged, the nation is free to return to its natural unthankful state. “But what if I’m more than unthankful?” I hear you ask. “What if I’m not just unthank, but have pure hate writhing in my forsaken soul?” Well, then sir you, like most Americans would do well to know of the great seasonal tradition of ‘Hatesgiving’, a little-known national holiday that runs every year from roughly today until the day before Thanksgiving.

Many are unaware of Hatesgiving, but the tradition goes back to the first Thanksgiving which was immediately followed by the indiscriminate slaughter of billions of Native Americanos, solidifying this hateful holiday in the bowels of history.

Today Hatesgiving is celebrated across the world as a period to really just seeth with contempt and spite. For some, it can be hard to know where to begin but there are countless people for you to hate, a high school bully, a politician you don’t like the look of, a member of another race perhaps, anyone is fair game this Hatesgiving.

Christmas (which was technically invented after Hatesgiving) does represent a challenging injection of joy over the Hatesgiving period, however technically the two simply cancel each other out leading to a purely neutral state throughout December. If anything, Hategiving adherents can help fight the holiday spirit with a healthy dose of humbug, cynicism, and “Christmas gets earlier every year” comments.

A crucial component of any Hatesgiving is of course going ‘trick or tricking’ in which children go from house to house dressed as their favorite tax bracket and spit in the faces of unsuspecting adults.

Children may also partake in orchestrating convincing bomb threats, the burning of the Easter Bunny effigies, and giving one-word answers to parents who really genuinely just want to know how you’re doing. Just really get stuck into the true meaning of the season.

Again, this holiday runs effectively all year round.

How do you plan on celebrating this Hatesgiving? Will you be buying yourself a traditional Hatred Spoon? Let us know by leaving a hateful comment in the comment section down below which we definitely have activated and that you can use. xoxo