Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

Jay Dee ‘JD’ Vance has pleaded not guilty to the murder of Pope Francis despite being the last man to see him alive and having a compelling motive.

The Vice President met with THE Pope to admonish him for not wearing a suit and not saying thank you mere HOURS before he died of an unrelated lung something.

The Vatican will now hold a Conclave to solve the crime of the murder of the Pope. Just like in that movie, oh, what was it called? Oh yeah, the Da Vinci Code. So that’s pretty fun. Although a man did die, so that’s not fun.

Pope Francis previously objected to Trump’s anti-migration policies, so it was a lil awks with the Vance. A lil tense.

Some are saying this is maybe motive enough, but to me, that’s a red herring. I reckon the real murderer was the person you least expect, like God.

Alright, that’s enough of that, back to the news.

Look, we’ve all got more important things to be doing, but Jonathon David Vance has just been awarded the award for biggest fumble, which he then promptly fumbled.

The award comes in response to the Ohio State football team’s visit to the White House, in which he tried to pick up the trophy but by the base and then shouldered the top so the whole thing tipped over him, and it was all just a mess.

To be fair to him, why is the top detachable from the base? For easy storage? In case the display shelf is too big?

Now Vance has been awarded the National Society of Fumblers’ highest accolade: the Golden Fumble. The trophy itself is a giant hand holding the base of an award and looks rad.

The trophy was presented to Vance in a ceremony this week; however, when the award was handed to the Vice President, he tried to pick up the trophy by the base and then shouldered the top, so the whole thing tipped over him, and it was all just a mess.

The crowd was delighted and exploded into applause and presented him with another award, which he fumbled too, and then the same thing happened again, and the whole thing continued late into the night.

Vance then gave a speech in which he said he was honored to receive the award, however, he did not say thank you once.

When asked about the National Society of Fumblers’ historic sex crimes, Vance declined to comment and then ran away.

For more news like this one, just shut your eyes and imagine a world more peaceful than this.

For the first time since opening some time ago, students at prestigious Harvard University for the Quietly Perturbed will now have to pay full price, just like everyone else.

The change comes after the college found itself $2bn short after Trump’s government funding freeze.

Gobe Mishenty, CEO of Harvard, explained that, “We have made the difficult decision to ask Harvard enrollees to pay their fair share of the money we lost. I’m sorry, but we can’t be a not-for-profit company anymore. I know most of you are very poor, but we need your money, and if you can’t pay, I’m afraid you’ll have to leave, just like at Denny’s.”

When asked about the accusations of antisemitism (the reason given for the funding cuts), Mishenty explained, “Look, it’s exactly the same business model they use at any local Denny’s. “If you want to stay, you have to pay.” We’re not breaking the mold here. As I’ve always said, what’s good enough for Denny’s is good enough for Harvard.”

Trump has been accused of using his power for evil, not for good, in this latest move. By muscling in on Harvard for not doing what he wants, he seems to be doing an unfree speech or whatever.

But on the counter, the Department of Education (which I could have sworn didn’t exist anymore), they said, “Harvard’s statement today reinforces the troubling entitlement mindset that is endemic in our nation’s most prestigious universities and colleges.” It’s true, they are entitled and stuck up, and I’m not just saying that because they didn’t let me in.

Yes, I didn’t apply, but that’s by the by, you never heard of a thing called head hunting? All the top colleges do it, and I was a stand-out case at my community college in Tuspo, Nebraska. Everyone said I’d get into Harvard because I was so smart and funny, and I already had the jersey and everything.

But then the day of my 11th birthday came and I didn’t get a single owl?? Honestly, I was absolutely disgusted. I’m a broken man now, but I was way worse at the time, let me tell you.

So, quite frankly, I’m in favor of Trump’s crackdown on me being rejected. It’s about time someone showed them that they missed out big time. BIG TIME.

Maybe next time they’ll think about giving me a spot, and then they’d be two BILLION dollars richer.

Yeah, think about that, Harvard.

In a bizarre twist of events that seems to bring everything full circle, leaked emails show Donald Trump’s National Security Advisor in an unsecure Gmail chain with former presidential failure, Hillary Clinton.

Michael Waltz (no relation to Tim) is said to have written:

“Hey babes, yeah, not up to much, just chillin’, hoping this Houthi thing blows over, probs will though. Just wondering, yeah, what did you do with the whole email thing? I just want to know what NOT to do hahaha anyway let me know love you! P.S. top secret military info is attached.”

The development hot off the heels of Michael Waltz’s previous SNAFU, now dubbed ‘Signalgate’, in which Waltz added a journalist to a private military group chat that was specifically designed not to have journalists in.

In both cases, numerous mistakes were made, but the main issue is that by using Signal and Gmail, sensitive information will now be stored on commercial servers. It’s fine, he didn’t know better, it’s not like he’s the National Security Advisor or anything.

In fact, Waltz’s advice regarding security has often been, “Yeah, whatever,” especially when it comes to his best friend Hillary Clinton, the detractors of whom he often railed against.

“Gmail’s just the best email, why wouldn’t you use it?” Waltz said in Clinton’s defence at the time.

But many weren’t as kind as Waltz, and Clinton’s email scandal became a major contributor to her election loss.

Donald Trump has now acknowledged the hypocrisy and vowed to make reparations by publicly apologising and stepping down as president so Hillary can take his place.

Michael Waltz will remain in his position as the NSA.

Donald Trump has reportedly called French right-wing politician Marine Le Pen to assure her that she has nothing to worry about after she was found guilty of embezzlement.

Over the three-hour phone call, Trump is said to have calmed down the distraught Marine Le Pen (which is French for ‘the pen is underwater’) by saying that embezzlement isn’t really a crime anyways.

“I got embezzled once,” Trump is rumored to have said. “It was a horrible thing, just terrible, the worst, but they said I did it better than anyone else. But they let me do it, you know? They said I was guilty and made me pay a lot of money, but they don’t remember any of that. Voters don’t remember. It was a show trial, a fraud, not me, I’m not a fraud, the trial I mean.”

The Pen is said to have assured Trump that this was different from one of his stupid American criminal trials and will likely end her political career. However, Trump disagreed.

“I say let ‘em do it. They let you keep your job and if anything it makes you more popular. When you’re voted in you just make convicting a president illegal. You should try that. Maybe become the president and then you could make it illegal, you know, to be embezzled.”

But that probably won’t happen since the Underwater Pen now has to serve four years under house arrest and pay €100,000 personally and €2 million from her party. And I don’t know about you, but that seems like a lot of money. She also can’t run again, which is really sad because that was her dream since she was a little girl. Penny will likely appeal the verdict.

People on X are, of course, popping off claiming that this is the death of democracy as we know it. And quite rightly so, embezzlement is a cornerstone of democracy.

Who knows, maybe France will one day be able to live in peace with corrupt politicians, but until that day, I’m sure we can all agree on the definition of embezzlement.

Thanks for reading! If you’d like to read the exact same joke for a second time, click here: Trump Calls South Korean President To Say Impeachment “Ain’t No Thang”

JD Vance has returned home from window-shopping Greenland, in which he reiterated that Trump really, really wants to invade the territory. Greenlanders have now responded to his threats with a resounding, “I’m sorry, who are you again?”

Unlike Americans, Greenlanders are not terminally online, and so to them, JD Vance was not the man of meme and legend but just some random politician who couldn’t be bothered to wear a suit.

Although J-to-the-D was supposed to spend days in Greenland, the visit was whittled down to just a few hours at Pituffik Space Base. During his visit, Vance gave a rousing speech in which he talked about the threat of China and Russia because, legally, he can’t threaten Greenland directly.

Vance then finished up his talk by planting the stars and stripes into the snow Iwo Jima-style.

However, it’s not clear that Vance actually wants the territory. When he first arrived, Vance commented, “It’s cold as shit here.” Throughout Vance’s address, he reiterated just how cold it was multiple times, a fact which the Greenlanders are likely well aware of.

“I think a lot of Americans wonder why does Greenland matter so much?” Vance said nicely in his speech. And as he continued to talk, it became clear from Vance’s expression that he was asking himself the same question.

Reportedly, Vance has taken his assessment back to Trump and both are now rethinking their plans for the golf course.

FOR MORE NEWS, here’s some news: Donald Trump Accidentally Adds JD Vance To Group Chat

A panel of leading medical experts has issued a health warning against the neurological condition colloquially known as ‘March Madness’.

Although previously thought to be just a fun moniker for the NCAA Division I men’s basketball competition and the betting surrounding said sport, March Madness is in fact a real disease and could potentially kill us all.

Citing a surge in stress-related ailments, sleep deprivation, emotional distress, and increased gambling, doctors are now calling for immediate action to mitigate the fatal consequences of ‘bracket mania’.

“Bracket Fever” The Silent Killer

“We’re witnessing a public health crisis of unprecedented proportions,” declared Dr. Doctor (geniuniely his real name), a renowned cardiologist and self-proclaimed “bracketologist.” “The symptoms of ‘Bracket Fever’ are unmistakable: elevated blood pressure, heart palpitations, nail-biting, and an unhealthy obsession with Cinderella stories and buzzer-beaters.”

Emergency rooms across the country are reporting a dramatic increase in cases of “Bracket-Induced Anxiety Disorder” (BIAD), characterized by an irrational fear of busted brackets and a debilitating inability to make coherent decisions during the tournament.

“Bracket Fever” The Silent Killer

“The sleep deprivation alone is alarming,” warned Dr. Sonambulatorious, a leading sleep specialist. “Fans are staying up all night, glued to their screens, tracking every upset and agonizing over their bracket picks. It’s a recipe for disaster.”

The emotional toll of March Madness is equally devastating. “We’re seeing a surge in cases of depression, anger, violence, arson, and most worrying of all: basketball,” said Dr. Feelgood, a psychiatrist specializing in sports-related trauma. “The agony of a busted bracket can trigger a cascade of negative emotions, leading to strained relationships, workplace conflicts, and even acts of arson. Everyone’s becoming a real… basket-case.”

Calls for Immediate(ish) Action

The medical community is calling for immediate(ish) action to address this national health crisis. Proposed solutions include:

Bracket Bans: Prohibiting the creation and sharing of brackets and any form of parenthetical [including the square ones] {and even those cool wiggly ones}, effectively eliminating the source of stress and anxiety.
Mandatory Timeouts: Enforcing mandatory month-long breaks in the middle of games to allow fans to de-stress, regain their composure, and maybe go to the toilet if they need.
Bracket Therapy: Providing professional counseling and support groups for those struggling with bracket-related trauma.
Upset Alerts: Implementing a national alert system to warn fans of impending upsets, allowing them to brace themselves for the emotional impact.

The Future of March Madness: A Disease We Can’t Cure?

Leading doctors fear these measures might not be enough and that sports fans across America and the globe might already be infected with the disease and could now be dormant carriers of the madness. The only hope may lie in developing a vaccine or treatment for March Madness, but the clock is ticking as the madness continues to spread.

For more sports-related disasters, read this: Any Sort Of Bowl, Super Or Otherwise, Fails To Make Appearance For 59th Year Running

In a serious lack of judgment that could cost millions of lives, President Donald Trump mistakenly added Vice President JD Vance to a private group chat discussing super top secret presidential information.

Although Vance (known exclusively as ‘JD’ to those within a 6-meter radius) is Vice President, the bestselling author has been rarely seen in public, appearing only to scold foreign leaders and pose for baby photos.

Reportedly, Trump has grown tired of Vance’s crazed ramblings. Privately, Trump has expressed regret in selecting Vance for the position over the more qualified Musk.

When Trump created a private WhatsApp group chat named ‘Legends Chat’, the President specified in the very first message, “everyone add anyone legendary, NO JD!!!”

However, when members were bulk-adding so-called ‘awesome’ individuals, Trump clearly mistyped and accidentally allowed Vance into the select group.

Vance immediately posted a welcome message to the group, which was not the vibe at all.

The message read, “Hello fellow legends! So glad to be added to such a fine group. To all the familiar faces, we meet again! And to all the new faces, I very much look forward to getting to know everyone over the course of this WhatsApp chat!!”

14 members immediately left the group, and Marco Rubio reportedly handed in his resignation, citing ‘cringe’ as the only reason for his departure.

However, since most members of the chat had Vance on mute, the conversation continued unaware of his presence. Secretary of Defence, Pete Hegseth, went on to discuss top-secret military operations against Yemeni Houthis to which Vance responded with a ‘wow’ emoji.

As only the Vice President, Vance obviously does not have the clearance for this kind of information. Reportedly, JD hopped into another group chat he has with just a couple of Houthi buddies to let them know about the upcoming attack. The move could potentially put millions of lives at risk.

For more on this developing story, please let me know, I’m really invested in this one.

This week fitness influencers have been going viral by releasing in-depth breakdowns of their intense morning routines. Now, Donald Trump has gotten in on the trend and the White House has released an official breakdown of the President’s morning routine.

Following in the hench, faith-filled footsteps of Mark Wahlberg’s intense regimen, read below to see how Trump’s routine has changed and manipulated time to make the most of his presidency!

4:15 Protein-rich Trump Steaks.

5:00 Wake.

5:01 Read favorite Bible verse, “[REDACTED]” whilst brushing teeth (for efficiency).

5:02 Finish brushing teeth. Rinse mouth with Coke.

5:14 Spit.

5:16 Cleanse palate with Pepsi.

5:17 Remove sleep clothes.

5:18 Step into shower.

5:28 Turn on water.

6:30 Leave shower.

6:31 Run 5k-pressup-combo.

6:45 Complete 5k-pressup-combo (new personal best).

6:50 Optional second 5k-pressup-combo (new personal best).

7:00 Plunge head in ice bowl.

7:01 Thank the troops.

7:02 Forgot to feed Eric his breakfast.

7:01 Feed Eric.

7:05 Oh, wait, I need breakfast too…

7:01 Trump Steaks.

7:05 Executive time.

7:13 Policy time.

7:14 Eastern Standard Time.

7:15 Enter War Room for a vital briefing on the crisis points of negotiating the Ukraine war peace agreement.

7:16 Scroll Truth Social.

7:59 Plunge head in ice bowl.

8:00 Leave war room briefing.

8:15 Begin course on Trump University to unlock all 110% of brain power (link in description below).

8:18 Cryo chamber recovery.

8:20 Trump Steaks (source of protein).

8:21 Cheeky lil catchup with ol’ pal Putin.

10:00 Text Putin about the call we just had.

10:30 Press conference assuring world that we’re on Ukraine’s side.

10:31 Leave press conference.

10:32 Conduct own secret press conference to mirror in bathroom (NOT SAD).

10:33 Plunge head in ice bowl.

10:34 Plunge head in ice bowl.

10:35 Plunge head in ice bowl.

10:36 Plunge head in ice bowl.

10:37 Plunge head in ice bowl.

10:38 Plunge head in ice bowl.

10:39 Plunge head in ice bowl.

10:58 Remove head from ice bowl.

10:59 Rub banana peel on face.

11:00 Meeting with J.D. (or golf depending on vibes).

11:30 Remove hostage tape from J.D.’s mouth.

11:31 J.D. says thank you.

11:32 Nod in response.

11:32 Keep nodding.

11:33 Wish Elon were here.

11:34 Think about those J.D. babyface memes.

11:34 Wish J.D. was an actual baby.

11:35 Call J.D. a baby.

11:36 Reapply hostage tape.

11:39 Leave.

11:40 Remove banana peel.

11:45 Work/work calls/meetings/work/(family time).

12:00 Begin nap until next day.

And that’s it! The White House said that although this looks like a morning routine this actually counts as a full day, so then he has two days in one day and 21 days a week.

As the official press release explains, “Stack it up over a month he’s gonna kick your butt. Stack it up over a year, you’re toast. Stack it up over five years his entire life is different than it would have been otherwise.”

But what’s your opinion? I for one find it eerily similar to my day. Do you think you could give the Trump routine a go? Get hench like the big boss? Let us know in the comments below!

Russian President Vladimir Putin has admitted that at multiple points during peace negotiations with Ukraine, he has secretly crossed his fingers behind his back, making all his statements at the time legally null and void.

The action of crossing your fingers behind your back is a super duper top-secret method known only to the KGB and all children. In case you are neither of those things, let me explain: any statement made whilst holding crossed fingers behind your back means you didn’t really mean that statement. It’s just science.

The nullified statement can be anything from ‘I really promise I didn’t swallow Ashley’s Pokémon-shaped Cheeto!’ to ‘I really promise I won’t attack Ukraine’s energy infrastructure!’ Either way, the statement is no longer legally binding and cannot be upheld in the International Criminal Court.

Putin’s admission came this week during a press conference where he was asked about the latest ceasefire agreement. The Russian President then held up his crossed fingers and cried, “No give-ses back-ses!” (but in Russian) then scurried off stage squealing with glee like a little girl.

Ukraine’s President Volodymyr Zelensky(y) responded to the flawless outmaneuvering by saying, “Oooh, drats,” (but in Ukrainian).

United States President of the United States Donald Trump replied in a Truth Social post:

“WE MUST RESPECT THE HIGHEST LAW IN THE LAND, THE LAW OF THE PLAYGROUND!! President Putin (who I respect very much) made a great move and I only wish I had thought of it first! Do not fear! President Zelensky (who I respect) and I are already discussing a perfect comeback move we are thinking that maybe it was officially opposite day and Putin did not know or we might just tell on the teacher. WE WILL HAVE PEACE!!!!!”

Donald Trump ended the post with a winky face, suggesting that his entire statement might not be legally binding and that Trump has a secret finger-crossing technique of his own.

To learn more about this developing story, please, I’m begging you, read literally any other news source than this one:

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Pen Smith• April 19, 2025D

JD Vance Pleads Not Guilty To Pope Murder

Pen Smith• D

JD Vance Pleads Not Guilty To Pope Murder

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