2025 | Wall Street Memes

PENSACOLA, FL: Local man Gary Siphonson, (unless you’re not local to him, in which case, I don’t know what to tell you) has made his New Year resolution to learn how to juggle for the fifth time in a row, humiliating family, friends, co-workers and Jesus.

The incident occurred on New Year’s Eve when Mr. Siphonson was involved in a light-hearted discussion concerning resolutions with family members. According to witnesses, everyone took turns to say what they would like to achieve or change or give up in the next year but when it came to Gary’s turn he stated, “Errr, I dunno. I think I’ll pick up juggling.”

“For the love of God, Gary, pick something else,” lamented sister Georgie upon hearing the news. “You’re not going to learn to juggle, you’re never going to learn to juggle. You said you were going to learn to juggle last year and the year before that and the year before that and the year before that. Just admit it, it’s not going to happen.”

“You haven’t touched my balls all year,” added Shannon, Gary’s wife. “I bought you those juggling balls when you first mentioned you wanted to learn and I think I saw you practicing once before you said it was too hard and threw one at the dog which really frightened him and I had to clean up the mess he made while you went and sulked in the corner. I’m starting to think twice about buying you those miniature chainsaws for Christmas.”

When encouraged to display what he had learned from five years of juggling resolutions, Mr. Siphonson stubbornly snatched up three eggs and a wine bottle, said, “Watch this,” then threw the items at the ceiling. Mr. Siphonson ducked to avoid the egg yolks and shattered glass but failed to dodge most of the debris. After a moment of silence in which everyone stared speechless at the egg-covered man, Mr. Siphonson, 46, burst into tears and ran from the room.

When reached for comment, Mr. Siphonson said, “I don’t know why anyone cares, it’s just a stupid game. I just say juggling so people stop asking, I didn’t think they would take it seriously. This is the least wonderful time of the year ever.”

It seems unlikely that next year Mr. Siphonson will take on his family’s advice and make his New Year’s resolution to think up an original New Year’s resolution.

Tesla CEO Elon Musk has announced he will be deactivating a hidden ‘New Year’s Fireworks Mode’ in the next Cybertruck update after one model exploded in front of a Trump hotel in Las Vegas.

Reportedly the secret feature is installed on all Cybertrucks and according to a redacted early version of the user manual, the mode triggers “a fun show for all family and friends (single use only).”

Tesla has released a statement saying, “We’re just happy it wasn’t the battery that exploded this time.” They went on to explain that they put the feature in as a joke but never expected anyone to actually find the mode. The feature can only be accessed by ‘jailbreaking’ the truck to access the code itself and once accessed, the user must say, “Go-go Cybertruck: fireworks” to initiate the display.

As a final failsafe the fireworks were programmed to only go off at midnight on New Year’s Eve and when parked in front of a Trump property.

This user happened to meet all these criteria but due to a malfunction, the show was delayed and went up on the morning of New Year’s Day. Tesla is investigating the cause of this malfunction.

The explosion injured seven and killed the driver so ironically there is no cause for celebration.

In light of the recent news, Jaguar has announced they will no longer be going ahead with their long-rumored, ‘Pride Celebration Mode’ in which their new Type 00 vehicle emits a watery mist over the headlights to create a beautiful rainbow. “It wouldn’t be appropriate now,” said a spokesperson.

Elon Musk (AKA Kekius Maximus, AKA Adrian Dittmann, AKA the world’s richest man so far) has apologized for creating the mode and said he is working with law enforcement to discover the perpetrator of this heinous crime and bring them to justice. Musk did however add that it was because of the truck’s durability and strength that the blast was directed upward and not sideways into the Trump hotel itself.

Elon posted to X (the website that he owns), “The evil knuckleheads picked the wrong vehicle for a terrorist attack. Cybertruck actually contained the explosion and directed the blast upwards. Not even the glass doors of the lobby were broken.” Weird flex, but OK.

For more cybertruck and firework news, keep it locked at Wall Street Memes Dot Com.