September, 2025 | Wall Street Memes

In a landmark ruling, regulators announced today that Google may continue operating its Android and Chrome empires but only if it shares its data with other companies and finally admits that “Incognito Mode” is about as private as shouting your search history from a moving train.

According to the Department of Justice, Google’s so-called “Incognito” feature has “misled millions into thinking their browsing was invisible, when in reality it was like putting on sunglasses and assuming you’re invisible at a nightclub.”

The compromise lets Google keep its two most valuable products, but forces the company to pull the plug on Incognito Mode, which officials described as “essentially just regular Chrome with a trench coat and fake mustache.”

“We Found Out What You’re Really Doing at 2AM”

One DOJ lawyer explained:

“People thought Incognito Mode was like a digital invisibility cloak. Turns out, it’s more like a cardboard box over your head with holes cut out. Everyone can still see you, especially Google.”

Millions of Americans are now realizing that every late-night search for “does my cat secretly judge me” or “how to make a flamethrower with household items” has been proudly filed away in Google’s servers, next to Grandma’s Gmail chain letters.

Google stock dipped briefly after the ruling, before bouncing back when analysts remembered that Incognito Mode was mostly just used by dudes named Kyle hiding their “stepmom stuck in dryer” binges.

One trader shrugged:

“Honestly, Google losing Incognito Mode is like McDonald’s being forced to admit the McRib isn’t real meat. Everyone already knew.”

In a statement, Google said:

“We respect the court’s decision, but want to remind users that even without Incognito Mode, you can still clear your history every 6 to 8 minutes like a totally normal, well-adjusted human being.”

Meanwhile, regulators hinted that similar cases may be coming:

Apple might be asked to prove “Private Browsing” isn’t just Safari with a darker theme.

Microsoft Edge will be forced to prove someone, *anyone*, actually uses it.

Moral of the story: If you really want to browse privately, just throw your laptop in the ocean and move to a cave.

For more Goolge news, click here: Google Forced To Sell ‘G’ and Become ‘Oole’ In Antitrust Lawsuit

Master chocolatiers and occasional slave owners, Nestlé, have SACKED their chief executive for getting in the SACK with a subordinate, leading to a TUMBLE (of stocks that is).

You probably know the Swiss food company as the makers of Kit Kats, Nespresso, Nesquik, Nescafé, Nestea and Nes-restrictions-to-clean-water-in-West-Africa. BUT WHERE THEY DRAW THE LINE is when Laurent Freixe gets freaky with an employee.

Through Nestlé’s internal whistleblowing channel (nicknamed ‘Toot Sweet’) Nestlé chair Paul Buckle found out about the scandal and immediately donned a deer-stalker hat and pipe and buckled down to a full investigation.

After the plot thickened thicker than an unstirred glass of Nesquik, Buckle called in the big guns: you all know him, it’s everyone’s favorite: independent director Pablo Isla!

But even Isla couldn’t crack this case and so he reached out to an “independent outside council”, the only one who could possibly solve this mystery, the only group trained to find secret CEO affairs wherever they hide, that’s right: Coldplay.

Coldplay immediately set up a sting operation involving two concert tickets, a massive spotlight and a kiss cam. The stage was set and Freixe fell for it hook, line and sinker. Heheh, no one can resist the Play.

After piecing together the clues of the lipstick, the candlestick, and the dick-pic, Buckle immediately fired Freixe for the undisclosed relationship, deemed a clear conflict of interest. And Nestlé is NOT interested in conflict.

“This was a necessary decision,” said Buckle, sipping on a delicious Nespresso. “Nestle’s values and governance are strong foundations of our company. I thank Laurent for his years of service at Nestle.” 40 years, btw. A lifetime of work thrown to the wind in a moment of passion? And no exit package?! What a waste.

And so it ends. Well done, Nestlé, that’s another moral wrong righted. It’s time to get back to what you do best, aggressively marketing your baby formula over breastfeeding in developing nations.

Nestlé awaaayyyy!!!

For more chocolate news, click here: Kellogg Stocks Soar 5% Ahead Of Ferrero Takeover, Nutella Cornflakes Announced

Gold has reached an ATH (all-time highest amount), rising to over $3,500 an ounce for the second time, making it one of the most precious metals in the world.

The boost comes after Donald J. Trump (the president) started fresh beef with the Federal Reserve Chair Head, Jerome Powell, and threatened to fire Lisa Cook. Coupled with inflation and renewed tariffic uncertainty, investors are now, for the first time ever, turning to gold as the new “gold standard”.

Some are now saying that gold is “worth its weight in gold”; however, others are saying that it’s not. Only time (and this set of old-timey scales) will tell.

In a matter of weeks, gold-and-gold-related products might reach $4,000. Which is a lot of money to spend on golds if you’re really not planning on doing anything with it.

The dollar was once the stable currency global investors could rely on. Now, with the volatility of the dollar (dollatility if you will), investors are turning to the far more stable and never fluctuating gold for investment opportunities.

Good Old Gold

Gold has long been popular amongst money people not only because it’s shiny but also because, unlike other currencies, it’s real.

Metal buffs will tell you that gold is one of the most golden-colored metals ever discovered. When first discovered, gold prospectors saw gold as rare because they hadn’t found much of it yet.

Since then, however, much more gold has been discovered, mostly in the ground. Gold owners across the world have attempted to make gold more valuable by naming expensive things like memberships and casinos after the metal.

Only now has this investment finally paid off, making fictional characters such as Goldfinger and Scrooge McDuck over night millionaires worth millions if not billions.

For more on this story, click here over there somewhere…

In a story that was ALREADY COMPLICATED ENOUGH THANK YOU, Trump’s tariffs, which seem to go back and forth between existing and not existing just got another bump towards the void of unreality with a US appeals court ruling that the tariffs are illegal. WHat?

Idk, I really don’t know, like what’s the point, really? Was all this a waste of time? I’ve written dozens, DOZENS of these articles now and learnt nothing from the whole process. So was it all a complete waste of time? Yes.

See, I’ll do this article be like ohhh here we go the tariffs are going and then tomorrow they’ll be back up again. Like, why?

Couldn’t we have just left things as it was? I really liked the world before I even knew what a tariff was. Yeah. That world was great. Although, tbh, I still don’t know. Now sure you do either though.

I used to be someone. People used to know my name. Now I’m here telling you that a dumb thing that was dumb that maybe never happened is about to get undone. What is this Y2K?

God, I’m probably going to have to write about this lawsuit again very shortly, aren’t I? Oh jesus christ.

You ever go down to the well and haul up a bucket full of clear crisp water and take a big swig but then you get ill and die a week later? All because you didn’t realise a goat had fallen down there and died? And you’d accidentally drunk the rotten corpse? Yeah, that’s what these tariffs feel like right now. Lord help us.

In other news, Trump isn’t dead! So that’s fun. Seems like this guy can survive anything so who knows, maybe these tariffs will pull through after all.

Any way, now you’re all well informed, watch this space. Report back tomorrow and I’ll let you know what’s changed (spoiler alert: not much).

Beans team, away!

Read on:

Despite rampant rumors on TikTok, X, and French news outlet, ‘La News’, President Donald Trump is not in fact dead after all. Shit, I just lost a bet. The story began when people realised that they hadn’t seen Trump for about a week and when he was last seen it was with a mangled hand for some reason.

Think about it, when did you last see Trump? Think really hard. I’m not just talking about on the news, I’m talking in person, live in the orange flesh, when did you see this guy? You’ve never seen him with you’re own two eyes, have you? You’ve seen pictures. You’ve seen videos but how do you know he’s even real? How do you know he’s ever been real?

Anyways, turns out he was just playing golf.

Trump tweeted from his X-knock-off Truth Social that he’s alive and well, baby. “I’ve never felt better in my life,” he lied.

Vice President JD Vance was spotted shortly after Brump’s reawakening shaking his fists and muttering “drat” to himself.

Vance had previously said to USA Today that he’d “gotten a lot of good on-the-job training over the last 200 days” and was ready to inherit the role of president.

It really feels like we go through this cycle with every president, every major figure. We don’t hear from them in a little while and everyone assumes they’re dead. Yes, that happened to be true of my cat, Barnston, who had fallen into a storm drain and we only found like a week later all mangled up on the beach, but that doesn’t mean it’s true of everyone.

So Trump’s not dead, in fact, he’s back to work on the Lisa Cook anti-hype train who retaliated with a lawsuit that Crump is just ITCHING to settle. For more on that story, click here you chump: Trump Fires Fed Governor, Powell Unlikely To Reach Apprentice Season Finale

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