“Good Vibes” Now Seen As Solid Investment

Outperforming gold, oil, and several blue-chip stocks, ‘good… (and I’m just being told this now) vibes’ is officially the most solid investment option of the year.

What started as a fringe belief among yoga influencers and crypto bros has now found its way into serious investor portfolios.

“We’re bullish on vibes,” said Chase Freedom, lead analyst at YOLO Capital. “They’re intangible, inflation-resistant, and unlike NFTs, they can’t be screenshotted.”

In fact, the Federal Reserve has already added “100 positive aura” to its list of monitored economic indicators, just after unemployment and somewhere between TikTok’s total scroll distance and Mercury’s retrograde schedule.

“Shit, I mean we’ve been using ‘numbers’ and ‘math’ to work it out this whole time,” explained Fed Chair, Jerome Powell, “But it turns out vibes are just as good.”

Analysts ‘Not On The Vibe’

Some analysts remain skeptical. “This makes no sense,” said economist Dr. Linda Rationale, before promptly being booed off CNBC for suggesting people diversify into actual assets.

Meanwhile, Jim Cramer has declared “Good Vibes” a “bogus stock” on six separate episodes of Mad Money, meaning that it’s 100% going to the moon.

Money aka vibes
“Money. It’s all just vibes anyway, bro.” – Adam Smith

Gen Z Leading the Charge

Leading the charge is Gen Z, who have converted traditional portfolios into vibe-centric holdings. Robinhood now offers a new “Aura Index Fund” tracking 500 influencers with above-average serotonin levels.

One 22-year-old investor, who goes by the username “@ZenDaddy420,” described his investment strategy: “I wake up, sage my apartment, and dollar-cost average into gratitude.”

He reportedly made a 140% return last quarter, mostly from a TikTok that went viral featuring him staring into the sun and whispering “alignment.”

“Vibes Is Not Short For Vibrator” – Warren Buffett

In response to the hype, major corporations have started rebranding. Amazon’s Prime Day will now feature “Energy Drops,” and Goldman Sachs just launched a new division called GS Feelings™, which advises clients based on horoscopes and color therapy.

BlackRock has filed for an ETF under the ticker $VIBE, which includes a diversified basket of crystals, guided meditations, and affirmations that “resonate with your higher self.”

“I mean, if you think about it, money was only ever just vibes anyways,” commented BlackRock CEO, Dwayne ‘TheBlackRock’ Johnson.

Missing The Warning Vibes?

Not everyone’s convinced this bull run is sustainable.

“It’s starting to feel like the tulip bubble, but with incense,” said one bearish investor. “I just want to buy some bonds without being told to ‘heal my inner child.’”

Despite concerns, markets continue to rally. Nasdaq closed up 3% today after Beyoncé posted a smiling selfie captioned “Feeling aligned 🌞✨.” Bitcoin responded by surging $4,000 in five minutes.

What we’re really saying is it’s all just guess work, it’s all just vibes so invest in yourself, friend. Be the vibe you want to see in the world.

Disclaimer: Obvs, this article is for entertainment purposes only. Please consult a licensed spiritual guide before making any vibe-based investment decisions.

For more garbage, click here: This Week’s Top 6 Ponzi Schemes To Invest In

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Max Profit• May 23, 2025D

“Good Vibes” Now Seen As Solid Investment

Outperforming gold, oil, and several blue-chip stocks, ‘good vibes’ is officially the ...
Stonks
Max Profit• D

“Good Vibes” Now Seen As Solid Investment

Outperforming gold, oil, and several blue-chip stocks, ‘good vibes’ is officially the ...
Stonks

Bitcoin Reaches ATH, Pizza Now Worth $1bn

Happy Bitcoin Pizza Day, everybody! No, wait… Happy BTC ATH, everybody! It’s that time of year again, yes, rising from the blockchain every May like a crusty phoenix from a wood-fired oven, it’s the traditional recalculating of the cost of the most expensive pizza in human history!

But it’s extra fitting since Bitcoin just hit a new all-time high, so it’s time to ask the real questions: what is 10,000 BTC worth today? And more importantly, how many toppings did Laszlo actually get?

For any gen Z degens who think Satoshi was a TikToker, here’s a quick history lesson: 

On May 22, 2010, Laszlo Hanyecz made history by trading 10,000 BTC for two Papa John’s pizzas. Yes, really. It was the first real-world transaction using Bitcoin, and yes, they were large pies, not personal pans. Laszlo was just a hungry coder with too much BTC and not enough garlic dipping sauce.

Bitcoin pizza
One would presume this is what the famous bitcoin pizza looked like

At the time, 10,000 BTC was worth about $41. Today? Let’s do some totally unnecessary, deeply painful math.

Let’s Crunch the Bitcoin Numbers (and Laszlo’s Soul)

Current BTC Price: $108,996.20 (give or take when I checked this)
Total BTC Spent on Pizza: 10,000
Total Value of Pizza Today: 1 billion freaking dollars
Value Per Slice (assuming 16 slices): ~$62.5 million
Value of the Garlic Sauce (adjusted for inflation and emotional damage): Priceless

Laszlo didn’t just buy pizza. He bought a cultural meme that resurfaces every year like a blockchain Groundhog Day, where crypto bros gather to remind themselves that patience is a virtue, and food is temporary, but trauma is forever.

What Could $1bn Buy in 2025?

  • An actual island (and the Web3 DAO to govern it)
  • Every single Bored Ape, plus therapy for their owners
  • 5000 Lambos (and enough gas for, like, a week)
  • Twitter. Again.
  • Or… 2 more pizzas at current NYC prices

Was It Worth It?

Yes. Because without that pizza, Bitcoin may never have taken its first steps into the real world. Without Laszlo’s sacrifice, we might still be trading satoshis for Magic: The Gathering cards and hoping CNBC takes us seriously.

So let’s raise a slice this May 22. Not just for the pizza. But for every single crypto bro who’s ever looked at an old wallet and whispered: “If I’d just held…”

To read more about this story, click here: Bitcoin To Change Ticker To ATH After Massive Gains

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Max Profit• May 22, 2025D

Bitcoin Reaches ATH, Pizza Now Worth $1bn

Happy Bitcoin Pizza Day! No, wait, Happy BTC ATH, everybody! It’s that time for the trad...
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Max Profit• D

Bitcoin Reaches ATH, Pizza Now Worth $1bn

Happy Bitcoin Pizza Day! No, wait, Happy BTC ATH, everybody! It’s that time for the trad...
Memecoins

Trump Unveils $25bn Golden Dome, Arrested For Indecent Exposure

To the horror of millions, President Donald Trump has unveiled his ‘golden dome’ live on public television.

Trump made the announcement from the Oval Office, saying he was making good on a promise he made in the campaign. What he was about to unveil, Trump explained, would immediately frighten all their enemies away, for good this time.

“Netanyahu has an Iron Dome, a beautiful dome, I’ve seen it,” continued the President. “But mine is better, I thought, how are we going to make it better? We’re going to make it gold, so now I have a gold dome. It’s very nice, very shiny.”

Trump then proceeded to drop trow and expose himself to everyone in the room and watching live at home. Anyone who witnessed the event can fill out a form online to receive $130,000 in hush money.

The White House has since clarified that this is all a massive misunderstanding and Trump was supposed to unveil a brand new missile defence system called ‘The Golden Dome’. The original plan was to build a giant dome made of solid gold metal that would cover the continental United States and protect it from missile attacks, a device reportedly inspired by ‘The Simpsons Movie’ (2007).

However, it seems that Trump’s potentially deliberate mistake might have been a masterstroke as it appears that just the sight of the President’s national treasures might be more frightening to hostile nations than any missile.

“If your President is crazy enough to do this, who knows what he would do in an all-out war,” commented North Korean spokeswoman Kim Kim-Kim. “We are immediately withdrawing all troops from our borders and declaring unilateral surrender.”

China too has reportedly signed a global peace agreement on the condition that they never have to see Trump’s ‘Golden Dome’ ever again.

On the other hand, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he was impressed by Trump’s strongman gesture and plans to reveal his ‘Steel Dome’ in the coming months.

Who’s to say if this peace will last or if Trump will have to reveal additional gilded body parts in the future, but for now we have world peace, all thanks to Trump’s golden dome.

For more missile news, click here: Elon Unveils Rocket Catcher, Has 14 Missed Calls From Netanyahu

Latest news

John Combs• May 21, 2025D

Trump Unveils $25bn Golden Dome, Arrested For Indecent Exposure

To the horror of millions, President Donald Trump has unveiled his ‘golden dome’ live ...
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John Combs• D

Trump Unveils $25bn Golden Dome, Arrested For Indecent Exposure

To the horror of millions, President Donald Trump has unveiled his ‘golden dome’ live ...
Politics

Tesla Battery Supplier EXPLODES (…18% In Biggest IPO Of The Year)

Electric car batteries get a bad rap for suddenly EXPLODING (scared you there). Well, here’s a car battery that’s MEANT to explode… financially speaking.

CATL, China’s Contemporary Amperes Technology Co. Limited (so it should really be CCATCL) just went public and received a massive jumpstart, again, not good for a battery.

CATL does not make CATL-itic converters (that’s a car joke), no they make more than a third of all EV batteries supplying Tesla, Volkswagen, Toyota and maybe even the Chinese military. Out of those, we obviously had to put Tesla in the headline because we are being secretly paid by Elon to promote his brand.

They raised $4.55bn from the listing which is crazy. Like, there’s no joke here, can you imagine that kind of money? That’s small country GDP kind of money. Imagine getting all the money in a DAY?? Whoah. I don’t even know.

Despite their global presence, China is 70% of CATL’s total revenue which just goes to show how massive the Chinese EV market is. So maybe think about that, Elon. (Yes, he reads this site.)

Because of this, CATL is likely not too bothered by ‘Trump’s Terrific Tariffs’, as 2025’s biggest IPO just goes to show.

Now you might not have heard of CATL (not the cow) before so, just for fun, here are some CATL facts:

  • FACT! CATL employs 100,000 people (which, if you ask Elon, is too many)!
  • FACT! CATL has 13 production plants worldwide! All arranged in a pentagram with Beijing at the center.
  • FACT! CATL was founded in 2011!
  • FACT! 2011 was 14 years ago!
  • FACT! 2011 is closer to the year 2000 than it is to now!
  • FACT! You are old!
  • FACT! CATL is an anagram of ‘clat’!

Well, would you look at that, you learn something new everyday. Now you can go out there and impress your friends. Have fun, son!

Lots of love,

Dad.

For more words to beam directly into your brain, click here: Musk To Sell Three-Wheeled Teslas To Avoid Trump’s 25% Auto Tariff

Tesla Battery Supplier EXPLODES (…18% In Biggest IPO Of The Year)

Latest news

Bill Fold• May 20, 2025D

Tesla Battery Supplier EXPLODES (…18% In Biggest IPO Of The Year)

Electric car batteries get a bad rap for suddenly EXPLODING (scared you there). Well, here...
Stonks
Bill Fold• D

Tesla Battery Supplier EXPLODES (…18% In Biggest IPO Of The Year)

Electric car batteries get a bad rap for suddenly EXPLODING (scared you there). Well, here...
Stonks

Trump Tried This One Simple Trick To Improve America’s Credit Score!

… And it didn’t work! The ratings firm Moody’s has just downgraded the US’s credit rating from AAA to Aa1 (which is worse apparently… even though it looks better imo).

As a result, the dollar has slid (again) and longer-dated treasury yields rose 5%… whatever that means. Don’t look at me, I’m a letters guy, not a numbers guy.

Markets reacted exactly how you’d expect: with complete and utter confusion. The Dow dipped slightly before bouncing back, like a toddler who fell down and forgot why they were crying. Bitcoin spiked for absolutely no reason (as usual), and someone on CNBC tried to explain the bond market using a whiteboard and a metaphor involving avocado toast.

Moody’s In A Bad Mood With Trump

Mr. Moody himself released a statement saying that this downgrade, “Reflects the increase over more than a decade in government debt and interest payment ratios to levels that are significantly higher than similarly rated sovereigns.” But clearly this bitch ain’t never heard of ‘you’ve gotta spend money to make money’.

Economists warn that the downgrade could raise borrowing costs for the government, which sounds bad, though to be fair, the government borrows money the way college students do: with zero intention of ever paying it back.

Naturally, Trump defaulted to his tried and true method: blame Biden. Taking to the political equivalent of yelling into a mirror (Truth Social), Trump posted, “AMERICA’S CREDIT SCORE WAS PERFECT UNDER ME!!! BIDEN RUINED EVERYTHING. SAD!!!”

The White House replied to the news, saying, “If Moody’s had any credibility, they would not have stayed silent as the fiscal disaster of the past four years unfolded.” So true. I, for one, had never heard of Moody’s until this very moment.

Big, Beautiful Bust

This awkward news follows Trump’s “big, beautiful” budget bill getting shot down on Friday by none other than five of Trump’s own Republicans. Mega awks.

The proposed bill would have cut taxes by $3.72 trillion over ten years, cut Medicaid spending and cut tax on tips. Dissenting Republicans felt the cuts did not go far enough whereas Democrats said the cuts went too far. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

Republicans have vowed to bring back a “better, more Trumpy” version of the budget, including bigger, more beautiful tax cuts, military spending increases, and a line item for “Space Force Merch.” Democrats responded with their own proposal: “No.”

Still, Trump remains undeterred. When asked what his next move would be to fix the economy, he answered confidently: “We’re looking into NFTs. Very classy ones. George Washington in a MAGA hat. Tremendous value.”

Stay tuned, folks. America’s credit might be downgraded, but the drama? Perpetually AAA.

You want more of this slop? Here, eat up little piggy: US Cuts Chinese Tariffs By 115% Which Is Impossible Because You Can’t Have More Than 100 Out Of 100 It’s Just Simple Math

Latest news

Ima Short• May 19, 2025D

Trump Tried This One Simple Trick To Improve America’s Credit Score!

And it didn’t work! The ratings firm Moody’s has just downgraded the US’s credit rat...
Loss Porn
Ima Short• D

Trump Tried This One Simple Trick To Improve America’s Credit Score!

And it didn’t work! The ratings firm Moody’s has just downgraded the US’s credit rat...
Loss Porn

This Week’s Top 6 Ponzi Schemes To Invest In

‘Sure things’ can be hard to come by these days. Long gone are the days when you could find a sweaty man in a cheap suit on the corner and he’d give you ten sure things for a cheeky kiss. Now, it’s all ‘online’ and ‘in the cloud’. ‘AI’.

But fear not! Because WSM is home of the sure thing, and we’ve got you covered with our top 6 investments for the week. Happy earning money!

6. Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC

I know what you’re thinking, ‘Bernie’s old news! This company’s dead in the water!’ But you’re an idiot, and I hate you. If Hollywood’s taught me anything, it’s that you can make so much money off a good reboot. So I say, let’s bring it back! Bernie had the most successful company of all time! He made off with billions! So let’s make it happen! Reboot, baby, it’s a sure thing!

5. Hot Dog Stands

Look, don’t be naive. We all know they’re a front. We all know there’s no way some greasy meat bucket that’s open every day through November in Philly is actually making any money. We all know it’s got to be a Ponzi. It’s just gotta be! Well, I say if you can’t beat ‘em, don’t beat ‘em! Get down there and ask politely if you can get in on that action. It’s a sure thing!

4. Beans

You might have heard of beans on the street, and well, they’re not just in momma’s hot bean chilli anymore. No, beans are in everything. Your morning coffee. On the feet of cats. On, fucking, idk, in bread? So, yes, it’s true they are on the up, and if you want a sure thing, real blue chip investment, you want to put it in Kalo’s Mexican Beans Ltd. You got that? Kalo’s Mexican Beans Ltd. Write it down. It’s not a Ponzi, I’m telling you, it’s a real investment. KMB. It’s my cousin’s. Real solid guy. Invest in it, I’m serious.

3. The Investment Portfolio of One Mr. Charles P. Bianchi!

He’s a stand-up guy. He’s got a straw boater. He’s got a cane. He’ll double your investment, guaranteed! Guaranteed! Why, for a nickel, I’d put all my finances in with this fine fellow. Yes, there’s a guy I would trust. That’s a real trustworthy wink he has there, yes, that’s where my daughter’s college fund should go! Mmhmm, give that man a kiss!

2. Money

We’re not talking about you’re floppy V-bucks here, we’re talking cold, hard fiat cash. Money. Isn’t money all just a Ponzi scheme? It moves around in circles, sometimes you see it, sometimes you don’t, it goes up, it goes down, and if we all pulled out, it would be toast. Yeah, I suggest putting your money in the oldest Ponzi in the world: money.

1. Yourself

Maybe the real Ponzi was looking back at you in the mirror this whole time? Maybe the real money is in you, baby. I believe in you, and you should too. I love you, buddy. I love you. Invest in yourself, kiddo. You’re a sure thing. (This is not financial advice)

For more financial advice, enjoy this lil ditty: Trump’s Top 5 Negotiation Tips For Winning Saudi Investment

Latest news

Max Profit• May 16, 2025D

This Week’s Top 6 Ponzi Schemes To Invest In

‘Sure things’ can be hard to come by these days. But WSM is home of the sure thing, an...
Stonks
Max Profit• D

This Week’s Top 6 Ponzi Schemes To Invest In

‘Sure things’ can be hard to come by these days. But WSM is home of the sure thing, an...
Stonks

Bitcoin To Change Ticker To ATH After Massive Gains

Following numerous successive ‘all-time highs’, Bitcoin ($BTC) has announced plans to permanently change its ticker to $ATH rather than having to write ATH every time. Just to make things easier for everyone.

“We keep saying ‘BTC has reached another ATH’. Let’s just combine the two. Think of the time we could save, seconds. Seconds!” commented Maurice Bitcoin, one of the main advocates for the change.

“I mean, we’ve had so many ATHs recently, it’s basically our name now, so let’s make it official! I changed my name, it’s not hard!”

Bitcoin recently soared past a bullish $100,000 in recent months. The boring, old, stale ‘BTC’ ticker may no longer reflect its status in the financial world, like, what does that even stand for?

Some traders have already started referring to BTC as ATH in their portfolios, to the confusion of many.

Bitcoin? More like biATHcoin

Regulatory hurdles remain, however, as changing a ticker symbol will require approval from various non-corporal regulatory bodies. The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) have already commented the proposed change with unbridled disgust, meaning that the process could take several decades to complete.

Additionally, the ATH ticker is already claimed by Athene Holding Ltd. and if I know Athene Holding Ltd. like I know Athene Holding Ltd., then I know that they won’t give up that name with a bloody, bloody fight. 

Analysts are divided on the potential impact of the ticker change. Some believe it could further boost Bitcoin’s image and attract new investors, while others warn that it might confuse the market and lead to unnecessary volatility. Oh, wait, I forget to put a joke in there. Erm… Ligma.

ATH Bitcoin
An artist’s rendition of what the new ATH coin might look like

Should the ticker change not come through, various suggestions for other tickers include ‘OMG’, ‘$$$’, and if they allow more than three letters, ‘BITCOIN’.

Selfishly, I hope the name remains the same because if they do change it, I’ll have to go back and edit every article, including this one, which then won’t make any sense.

But hey, let’s see what happens, watch this space!

For more bitcoin news, read this one: Trump To Make Bitcoin Official US Currency

Latest news

Max Profit• May 16, 2025D

Bitcoin To Change Ticker To ATH After Massive Gains

Following numerous all-time highs, Bitcoin has announced plans to permanently change its t...
Memecoins
Max Profit• D

Bitcoin To Change Ticker To ATH After Massive Gains

Following numerous all-time highs, Bitcoin has announced plans to permanently change its t...
Memecoins

Foot Locker Buys $2.4 Billion Worth Of Dicks

Oh, wait, that’s the other way round. Dick’s Sporting Good Inc. is buying Foot Locker Inc. so I guess it’s more a foot thing, then.

Foot Locker stock soared 81% after the announcement, Dicks grew 11.2% and also their stock went up. (Ok, that’s not true, DKS stock went down, but the joke doesn’t work then, does it?)

Times have been tough for Dicks what with Trrrump’s tarrrifffs demanding that all Dicks be at least 146% smaller (not that anyone’s measuring) and it seems that merging the power of the Foots and the Dicks might be the only way forward in this hostile market.

This is the biggest deal ever made by Dicks. Buying 90% control in any foot, let alone the feet of Foot Locker, is pricey and is expected to be financed later in the year. $2.4 billion seems pricey, but that’s $24 per shoe! Bargain. Oh, wait, that’s per ‘share’, geez, I am really not on it today, I am sorry.

Foot Locker may be a smaller company, but has a larger presence than Dicks. Foot Locker has 2,400 stores across 20 countries, that’s countries outside America. This may mean we’ll get more Dicks in malls and even get some Dicks overseas.

And just to demonstrate Foot Locker’s brand power, when Donald Trump was asked which retail brand he preferred, the President replied, “Foot Lock-Her-Up!” An endorsement if ever I heard one.

Who’s to say whether this merger will pay off, not me, that’s for sure. But if consumers can now get their feet and their dicks under one roof? Well, then I’m all for it. Saves me making an extra trip that’s for su…

…Oh… hold on… I am just putting my finger to my ear as if someone’s talking to me… Yes, I am getting clarification that Dicks and Foot Locker DO NOT sell body parts. No, they sell ‘shoes’ and ‘sports equipment’. Ahhh. That makes way more sense. Ok, I am suddenly significantly less interested in this story now.

For more feet news, click here: Elon Musk Unveils Self-Driving Legs

Latest news

Max Profit• May 15, 2025D

Foot Locker Buys $2.4 Billion Worth Of Dicks

Oh, wait, that’s the other way round. Dick’s Sporting Good Inc. is buying Foot Locker ...
Stonks
Max Profit• D

Foot Locker Buys $2.4 Billion Worth Of Dicks

Oh, wait, that’s the other way round. Dick’s Sporting Good Inc. is buying Foot Locker ...
Stonks

Trump Agrees To Billion-Dollar Saudi Chip Deal, Frito-Lay Stocks Max Out

President Donald Trump announced today a “tremendous, just absolutely delicious” multi-billion-dollar chip deal with Saudi Arabia, not for semiconductors, but for snack chips.

Speaking from a hastily assembled podium at the Saudi palace, flanked by gold-plated Dorito bags, Trump declared, “The Saudis wanted chips. We’ve got the best chips. Frito-Lay, tremendous company. Nobody does Cool Ranch like America does Cool Ranch.”

Trump: “How can I make this profitable for Frito-Lay?” 

Confusion initially erupted on Wall Street, where early trading suggested the Saudis were investing in semiconductor factories. Nvidia surged, AMD shorted itself out of existence, and Elon Musk tweeted “I love chips” before clarifying he meant “AI ones, not the snack ones, though I do enjoy a good Flamin’ Hot.”

By the time it became clear that the “chips” were of the edible, artificially cheese-dusted variety, Frito-Lay stock had already moonwalked past its all-time high and into orbit. Analysts described the move as “Crunchflation,” a term invented by a CNBC intern live on air.

Saudi statement: “We were hungry.”

In an official statement, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman confirmed the deal, saying, “We were binge-watching Succession and realized our chip bowl was empty. It was a national emergency. Trump answered the call.”

The agreement includes exclusive access to experimental flavors previously deemed “too unstable” for public consumption, including “Sriracha Unicorn Dust” and “Freedom BBQ IV: Liberty Sauce.” Sources close to the deal claim the Prince personally requested “whatever the heck Taco Bell was on in 2017.”

Wall Street reacts with crumbs

The news left markets shell-shocked. Cheetos futures exploded. Tostitos coin briefly overtook Dogecoin in market cap before collapsing under the weight of its own salty optimism.

Meanwhile, a bipartisan group of U.S. lawmakers is calling for an emergency Snack Summit to regulate the snack-tech space. Senator Bernie Sanders issued a statement reading, “Once again, billionaires are hoarding flavor while working Americans settle for plain kettle-cooked.”

Trump eyes expansion

When asked if this chip diplomacy might lead to further snack-based foreign policy deals, Trump smiled, revealing what may have been a single nacho shard in his teeth. “We’re in talks with North Korea. Kim loves Pringles. It’s gonna be huge.”

For more on this story, read here: Frito-Lay Takes $5.5 Billion Hit After Trump Bans Chip Exports

Latest news

Max Profit• May 14, 2025D

Trump Agrees To Billion-Dollar Saudi Chip Deal, Frito-Lay Stocks Max Out

Donald Trump announced a “tremendous, just absolutely delicious” multi-billion-dollar ...
Politics
Max Profit• D

Trump Agrees To Billion-Dollar Saudi Chip Deal, Frito-Lay Stocks Max Out

Donald Trump announced a “tremendous, just absolutely delicious” multi-billion-dollar ...
Politics

Trump’s Top 5 Negotiation Tips For Winning Saudi Investment

President Donald Trump is in Saudi Arabia for his first overseas trip this term. “That’s an odd choice for your first diplomatic mission,” I hear you say, and you might be right, but as the great Buddha once said, “The mosquito favors the flesh, not the stone.”

Trump’s hitting up MBS for his bank, not his small talk, and you can too! With these simple tricks right out of the Trump playbook, you too will be walking away with that sweet, sweet Saudi cash in no time.

1. Quid Pro Quo

    I don’t speak Latin, but I think it means something like ‘pro’s know you’ve got to do a ‘lil give and take’ and that’s exactly what Trump’s up to here. America needs money (who doesn’t?), and Saudi Arabia wants to diversify its economy. They’re investing trillions into various mega projects (remember NEOM? What the hell even was that?) and maybe, if we’re lucky, America might just be MBS’s next big plaything.

    2. Make Your Presence a Present.

      Trump is in Saudi Arabia, just a few months away from MBS’s 40th birthday (I too celebrate a few months early). Now this might not seem significant, but this way Trump can bring a ‘lil gift, say ‘haps to the b-town’, that kind of thing, and then suddenly the begging doesn’t seem like begging anymore.

      3. Make Dealing An Art

        Now, if you’ve read ‘The Art of the Deal’ like I haven’t, then you’d know that making a deal is an art. An art form, in fact, and Trump’s the Michelangelo of dealing. Not cards, mind you, but money deals. So I say go in with that kind of mindset. You’re not a business guy, you’re a painter. You’re an artist. You’re a visionary, and no one can question your vision.

        4. Invite Your Buddies

          There’s no reason why you can’t share the love, and if they want that Saudi dollar, they should get that Saudi dollar. Bring along Elon, bring along Blackstone CEO Stephen Schwarzmann, bring along BlackRock CEO Larry Fink, bring along Citigroup CEO Jane Fraser, bring along Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang, bring along IBM CEO Arvind Krishna, bring along Boeing CEO Kelly Ortberg, bring along Amazon CEO Andy Jassy, bring along OpenAI CEO Sam Altman, bring along Alphabet CIO Ruth Porat, bring along Bridgewater Associates founder Ray Dalio, bring along Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi and hey, bring along LinkedIn co-founder Reid Hoffman, why not? There’s no way that will be overwhelming.

          5. Make A Blood Sacrifice To The Starless God Aeyloshkhal

            Now, personally, I do this before every business deal, business meeting and Zoom call with my mom and it gets results! It doesn’t have to be a goat or anything, it can be a small child, a rat maybe, but you have to give something up. You have to give something up. Aeyloshkhal will not accept a poor offering. You want Saudi money? You want joy? You want success? Remember that all comes from Aeyloshkhal and no other.

            For more money making tips, read here: Buffett Just Cashed Out $300B Then Retired, Here’s How He Pulled It Off

            Latest news

            Max Profit• May 13, 2025D

            Trump’s Top 5 Negotiation Tips For Winning Saudi Investment

            Donald Trump is in Saudi Arabia for his first overseas trip this term and with these simpl...
            Politics
            Max Profit• D

            Trump’s Top 5 Negotiation Tips For Winning Saudi Investment

            Donald Trump is in Saudi Arabia for his first overseas trip this term and with these simpl...
            Politics