2025 | Wall Street Memes

President Donald Trump has declared war on Jeff, citing Jeff’s potential ownership of up to ten nuclear weapons.

Who precisely Jeff is and why he personally owns so many nuclear weapons remains unclear, but analysts suggest that he might be none other than Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos. Bezos has been famously stockpiling Blue Origin rockets any one of which could be of the nuclear variety, who’s to say?

Jeff nukes — Technically, we all have <10 nukes. I guess there were too many names to fit on the graph, though.

“I’ve always said,” explained Trump when questioned by reporters in the Oval Office, “No one should have more than one nuclear weapon, maybe two. And this Jeff guy, whoever he is, I don’t know the guy, but I don’t think he should have nukes.”

“China has nukes, we have nukes, but Jeff? He shouldn’t have nukes. Really nasty piece of work.” Trump then went on to explain that although he does not know who exactly this ‘nuclear Jeff’ is he has declared war on him and all other Jeffs just to be sure.

This war on all Jeffs would therefore include Jeffrey Bezos, Jeff Goldblum, Jeff Bridges, Jeffrey Joseph Canderston, and even my new neighbor Jeff, who, to be fair, could be harboring nukes in his basement. I just don’t trust that guy.

Trump has said the NSA has gathered the locations of all Jeffs, Jeffreys, and Geoffs, and he will launch a preemptive nuclear strike on every single Jeff on the planet. And then just to be sure, he’ll follow it up with a drone strike. Just to be sure. Seems reasonable.

Jeff 21 Jump Street — Readers are advised to avoid saying, “My name Jeff,” for the time being.

Experts familiar with Jeff, however, point out that Jeff is perhaps more likely referring to JEFF, the Joint Evaluated Fission and Fusion File. This refers to a data library on nuclear weapons kept by the OECD Nuclear Agency (NEA). Potentially, the data for CNN’s graph was mislabeled and misattributed around 10 nukes to JEFF.

The Jeff gaff was made over a year ago and was memed back then, but recently the joke recirculated on X due to Iran’s nuclear proliferation re-entering the news.

But are we going to believe that? No. I don’t trust a Jeff as far as I can throw one, so I say, let’s nuke ‘em. Just to be sure.

For more Jeff, click here: Jeff Bezos Postpones Plan To Flee Earth

President Donald Trump has once again extended the deadline for TikTok to be sold to an American company, citing a backlog of videos deemed “certified bangers” that “the world needs to see.”

“We’re going to extend the ban. There won’t be a ban for now,” Trump explained to reporters aboard Air Force One. “I’ve got too many videos, great videos, beautiful videos, you’re going to love them, and they’re all backed up just waiting in my drafts folder.”

“I showed them to JD, and he loves them, and he says I have to post them. But I said, JD, I can’t post them, I have to ban this CHIna app, this app from CHIna. And he said you could just post them all now, and I said, but JD, you can post them all at once, you’ll get delisted, but he doesn’t know.”

“You have to stagger them, JD. He doesn’t know about the stagger. I invented that, the stagger, I call it. You have to post daily if you want traction. You have to have traction; it’s all about the traction. So I said OK, I’ll delay. I’ll extend the deadline. It’s done. And now you will all get to see these beautiful videos. And you’re going to love them.”

Insiders close to the president have suggested that Trump’s TikToks are predominantly AI-generated videos of Trump wrestling foreign leaders and videos of “little monsters made of fruit who enjoy eating goop and slime”.

Joe Biden signed into law the bill insisting the app be sold or banned and congress still remains in support of the ban, but they would, wouldn’t they because none of them have a killer drafts folder with some top-notch AI-goop-monster vids.

During Trump’s first term, the President was apparently anti the Tok but has since u-turned on that opinion after realising that there are voters on TikTok too.

Some analysts suggest that this is another example of TACO Trump and the ban could potentially be perpetually extended indefinitely forever.

If Trump wants to be popular he should ban Facebook. Go on, do it you coward.

Trump’s extension of the ban also gives @wallstmemesofficial time to get their content off the ground because it’s just gathering dust and I know, I’ll get round to it, I’ve just got a lot on my plate and I really need more time. I NEED MORE TIME!!!

For some probably-now-very-out-of-date jokes on this story, click here: TikTok’s Time’s Ticking

Reportedly, Iran is prepping for their upcoming negotiation with President Trump by frantically studying Trump’s 1987 business book, ‘The Art of the Deal’.

“There’s some really good stuff in there,” explained Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Hosseini Khamenei whilst desperately flicking through the pages. “I’m currently on the chapter about ‘hard selling’ and it’s really illuminating. They say if you want to know your enemies, you must think like your enemies.”

Iran’s plan is that by reading Trump’s ghost-written book, they will learn the insides and the outsides of Trump’s mind. By studying his techniques, Iran might know Trump’s weaknesses in order to manipulate him during negotiations towards evil.

On the other hand, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu has been spotted bingeing old episodes of The Apprentice.

“There’s some really good stuff in there,” explained Netanyahu whilst desperately fast forwarding through the show. “I’m currently on the episode where Meat Loaf gets fired, and it’s really illuminating. They say if you want to know your friends, you must think like Meat Loaf.”

President Trump left the G7 summit in Canada early this week in order to return to Washington and deal with those meanies over in the Middle East.

Despite being a long-time ally with Israel, Trump’s primary allegiance is to American national interests, and with Israel continuing further and further into pariah state territory, it is unclear how long Trump and Bibi can remain besties.

But Trump never liked Iran for some reason and since he was a child has rallied against them gaining nuclear weapons. But then again he pulled out of the Iran nuclear deal so you know what, I don’t get it, it’s confusing, it’s complicated, and there are a lot of moving pieces.

Maybe studying the Art of the Deal is the best way to know what’s going on…

For more garbage, click here: Israel-Hezbollah Ceasefire Leaves Thousands Confused, ‘Which War Is Over?’

US Rep. (Rep) MTG (Marjorie Taylor Greene) has responded to accusations that she bought shares in Palantir just days before stocks surged from a $30m ICE contract in the biggest potential insider trade since Nancy Pelosi shorted the whole US economy.

“How could I be insider trading when I’m a political outsider?” Taylor is rumored to have said. “I’m not one of those Washington Fat Cats, so how dare you accuse me of being an insider when I have worked my entire life to make sure I am very much on the outside.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene Palantir Insider Trades Tweet — Rumors about the trades began on X in April and have since been confirmed

“They won’t even let me in the room for some meetings, I have to put my ear to the door if I want to listen. And at lunchtime, they won’t even let me sit at their table. I have to eat off the dirt outside like a dog. They say, ‘Marjorie, there are other tables, you don’t have to do that’, but they don’t know what it’s like to be a political outsider.”

Taylor Greene claims that she gave her financial advisor full control of her financial portfolio and that she only learned of the trades when the press reported on them.

“That’s how much of an outsider I am, I don’t even know what’s going on. I can barely do my job.”

Although Marjorie Taylor Greene sits on the House Committee on Homeland Security, she does not sit on the subcommittee that oversees ICE, she sits on the Subcommittee on Counterterrorism and Intelligence instead.

Although she did buy shares days prior to the massive contract that gave Palantir a 60% stock bump, it is unclear that she knew and acted upon any information that was not public. As the US Securities Exchange Act of 1934 states, trading on potentially market-moving info that hasn’t been made public is illegal, but this might just be a big coincidence.

Here’s MTG’s full statement below:

“After many successful years of running my own business, I ran for Congress to bring that mindset to Washington. Now that I’m proudly serving the people of Northwest Georgia, I have signed a fiduciary agreement to allow my financial advisor to control my investments. All of my investments are reported with full transparency. I refuse to hide my stock trades in a blind trust like many others do. I learned about my Palantir trades when I saw it in the media.”

For more on this story, click somewhere else. For a different story, click here: Government Proposes New Health Plan: Just Walk It Off

BREAKING: In a controversial statement, a top bank has claimed that ‘money‘ (such as coins and bank cards, and all that) is still a vital part of everyday society.

In a memo that immediately tanked Dogecoin 6%, this top bank, which has chosen to remain anonymous, boldly stated:

“Despite the rise of crypto, clout tokens, and limited edition NFTs of Elon Musk’s left eyebrow, traditional money still plays a non-zero role in economic transactions.”

The news stunned the fintech community, which had recently pivoted to “vibe-based valuations” and “emotional liquidity” as part of the post-fiat enlightenment.

“Honestly, I thought we left ‘money’ behind with Blockbuster and physical touch,” said Chad Etherton, founder of the startup VenmoButForFeelings. “This is like saying we need gravity to walk.”

Markets reacted swiftly, as always, and without thinking. The Dow Jones rose 400 points in a straight line before remembering inflation exists and immediately spiraled into a trust-fall-style collapse.

Meanwhile, Bitcoin influencers gathered on a live Twitter Space titled “Fiat is Mid – Emergency Meeting.” One speaker, known only as @SatoshiButHot, passionately argued,

“We were promised a decentralized utopia where the only currency is nachos and Discord Nitro. This is betrayal!!”

Cash Matters? Based.

In a further twist, the bank clarified that “money” includes both “real money” (like dollars) and “less real money” (like whatever Robinhood says you have). Analysts from McKinsey & Company quickly translated the announcement into a 92-slide PowerPoint deck titled “Cash: The Original Crypto?”

After the dust settled, economists realized that all the bank was saying was that money is important and therefore they are still important, which is the same as not really saying anything at all really.

Retail investors, confused but eager, began panic-buying loose change. Nickel futures surged 19%, and the average Chuck E. Cheese token is now worth more than a Venezuelan Bolívar.

In other news, the Federal Reserve announced it would be “taking a long, hard look at vibes” as part of next quarter’s monetary policy. Chairman Powell reportedly said, “We’re not saying vibes are real, but… we feel like they might be. And that’s enough for rate hikes.”

For more garbage writings click here: Makers Of ‘Charts With Big Arrows Squiggling Up’ Report Record Profits

It’s not funny anymore. You had your fun. You did your little ‘memes’ but now real people are getting real hurt, OK?

The big Dollar-Gee-Em-Eee: GameStop is going Game-Flop with a share price that’s more tanked than a T110E5 in World of Tanks.

That’s right, even though they gamestopped selling games and pivoted to buying ALL of the bitcoin, Gemy stock has slumped 11%, all the way down to an almost $25 share price.

This sucks for me in particular because I only just got round to watching that movie with that kid who plays the Riddler in it. Not Jim Carrey, you know, the new one with the Twilight guy, what’s his name? What’s that, Paul Dano? No, I’m pretty sure he’s called Robert Patterson.

Anyway, I watched that movie, the meme stock movie, and I thought, yeah, maybe I should get in on this whole GameStop hype. To the moon, am I right?? So I bought everything I could, I’m talking life savings, mortgages, even the last few buttons I found down my couch.

I’ve never bought shares before, but I knew this was a sure thing, so I went all in, like, yesterday, and what do I find this morning? Gone. It’s all gone. I don’t want to lose anymore, so I cash out everything just to save myself any extra damage.

So yeah, that’s where I’m at now. Not sure the Riddler’s going to make a movie about me, but at this point I think it’s the only way I’ll recoup my losses.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, so GameStop’s lost basically all of its gains. Potentially, they could bounce back or get another gang of sweaty internet types to rally and save it again, but is a joke funny if you do it twice? Is a joke funny if you do it twice?

Maybe they’ll cash out their Bitcoin to refloat the boat or maybe, just maybe, they’ll start selling games again…

For more on this story, click here: GameStop YOLOs $513M into Bitcoin

The world is still irradiated from the fallout of Elon Musk’s “really big bomb” dropped on Friday, saying that Donald Trump “is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public.” Which is weirdly becoming Musk’s go-to comeback.

Musk trump beef epstein tweet — But who hasn’t had a toxic ex accuse them of being a paedophile?

But now Musk has rescinded his words, X’ing, “I regret some of my posts about President @realDonaldTrump last week. They went too far.” he has deleted the original Tweet-shit-‘X’, and given a formal explanation for the accusation.

Musk trump beef apology tweet — These will be ancient texts future historians will pore over. Poor bastards.

“I mistyped,” explained Musk. “Obviously, I meant to say Ronald Prump is in the Epstein files. He’s a completely different person who has no relation to Donald Trump. It was an honest mistake.”

Musk Frames Prump

Reportedly, federal agents tracked down a Mr. Ronald Prump in Wausau, Wisconsin, and coordinated a full-scale SWAT operation on his property. In the raid, officers arrested the individual, seized over 4GB of personal computer data, and accidentally shot his dog.

Mr. Prump is currently detained and awaiting trial.

“It’s not every day that you get to catch a big fish like this,” explained an officer involved in the raid. “But this Prump fella’s the worst of the worst. Big time pedo. We got a tip off that goes all the way to the top, so you know it’s legit.”

Mr. Prump’s lawyer denies all exculpations: “The only Epstein my client knows is his Epstein EcoTank ET-4810 A4 Colour Multifunction Inkjet Printer, C11CK57401.”

For those of you living under a rock where it’s warm and quiet and you don’t have to hear about any of this, the Epstein files (AKA the (se)X-files, AKA the pedo-files) are a collection of documents relating to ex-sex-pest J. Epstein, potentially listing numerous high profile individuals involved in his crimes.

The release of these files could potentially reveal irrefutably that Donald Trump was in cahoots with Epstein in a way that evidence like photographs, videos, flight logs, and public statements declaring their friendship never could.

For more on this story, click here: Trump Wins Custody Of Joe Rogan In Divorce With Musk

LOS ANGELES, CA — The Palestinian Authority has announced plans to send aid to parts of LA in an effort to help ease growing unrest and conflict.

“We took one look at the state of things and knew they needed help more than we do,” explained General Al-Khatib. “It’s a civil war over there, and something needs to be done. People are getting hurt.”

Upon seeing Palestinian flags in the protest, the Hamas government has reached out to Governor Gavin Newsom to offer support.

“Whilst we don’t negotiate with terrorists,” said Newsom, “We will accept their free stuff if they’re offering.”

The rioting began last week after protests against immigration deportations spiraled out of control. The protesters/rioters (depending on which side of the fence you’re on) are reported to have been looting and burning self-driving cars that were not programmed to handle this kind of situation.

President Trump has sent in the National Guard, but then they got a bit too excited so now he’s had to send in the Marines to fight off the National Guard. Reportedly, the Coast Guard, the ASPCA, and Space Force are on high alert.

…Just as an aside, ‘President Trump sends National Guard to LA to stop rioters burning self driving cars’ is a headline you’d see scroll through the background of some shitty sci-fi movie, not an actual reality we’d have to live through, but here we are…

Speaking of worst timelines, I’ll let ChatGPT finish the rest of this article because honestly, just cba with all this:

Meanwhile, the Palestinian aid convoy—comprised of surplus UN trucks, a DJ booth, and crates of za’atar-flavored MREs—has successfully landed at LAX Terminal 5. Early footage shows one truck being immediately looted by UCLA students who mistook it for a food truck activation.

General Al-Khatib, speaking from a makeshift command tent outside Erewhon, clarified that the mission was “strictly humanitarian,” although he did admit to being “a little curious” about how oat milk costs $14.

The Coalition Grows

Inspired by Palestine’s bold intervention, several other groups have announced similar plans to assist LA:

Vatican City has pledged three priests, a rosary drone, and a pallet of holy sparkling water.
North Korea offered one nuke and a mixtape.
The Swiss, staying neutral, have launched a hotline for therapy appointments priced in gold.

Meanwhile, Qatar Airways announced a direct humanitarian flight into Burbank, filled with influencers, conflict photographers, and at least one camel named “Peaceboy.”

A Tale of Two Californias

Governor Newsom, still in a Patagonia vest and surrounded by a ring light, held a press conference beneath the Hollywood sign (which now reads just “HOOD” after being partially torched by rioters).

“California welcomes all peaceful aid,” Newsom said. “We’re building back better—with help from literally anyone who can spare a drone or a decent WiFi connection.”

When asked about the Trump administration’s role in the chaos, Newsom replied, “At this point, I’d rather be governed by a sentient Roomba.”

Wall Street’s Take

Markets initially dipped on the news before violently rebounding after rumors surfaced that Ray Dalio was planning to go long on LA anarchy futures. Robinhood briefly listed a new ETF: $RIOTX, tracking social unrest, meme stock activity, and used Tesla prices.

Jim Cramer screamed “BUY EVERYTHING” before being tranquilized live on-air.

What Now?

At press time, the Palestinian convoy had successfully set up a “conflict resolution booth” outside a Trader Joe’s in Silver Lake. Early reports indicate that a ceasefire was temporarily achieved when both rioters and National Guard soldiers stopped to enjoy free hummus and freestyle poetry readings.

As the situation continues to unravel with all the dignity of a crypto investor’s Twitter feed, one thing is clear: LA may be down, but it’s not out. And with a little help from Palestine, maybe—just maybe—it’ll make it to Q3.

…There you go, was that fun for you? Did you have fun? Sure you did, things you recognise in unusual contexts is always fun.

For more garbage, click here: Trump Announces New Golf Course

President Donald ‘Jesus’ Trump has officially won full custody of Joe Rogan following his unexpected divorce from tech-dabbler and part-time Mars enthusiast, Elon Musk.

The highly publicized breakup, sparked by a heated argument over Trump’s ‘Big Beautiful Bill’, concluded with Trump emerging victorious in the battle for podcast visitation rights, NFT revenue splits, and one (1) human MMA commentator.

“He’s A Good Boy. He Loves Me More.”

At a joint press conference held beside the smoking wreckage of Trump’s old Tesla, the president confirmed that Joe Rogan, the human kettlebell and absence-of-thought-provoking bro-phet, would be “living with Daddy Donald full time.”

“Look, Joe needs a strong male role model who can teach him about winning,” said Trump. “Elon’s weak. He’s a weak man. I thought I liked Elon, but then he was mean, very mean, you can’t be mean and be a good parent to little Joe.”

Rogan, seen shirtless and oiled up in the background next to Alex Jones and a live elk, declined to comment but nodded aggressively while doing kettlebell swings and microdosing.

[NB: The preceding paragraph has been selected for preservation in the ‘Museum of Paragraphs That Would Send a Victorian Child Into A Coma’]

The Trump Musk Settlement: A Breakdown

According to leaked documents (posted on 4chan, confirmed on Substack, and denounced by Fox News for not being angry enough), the divorce terms are as follows:

Joe Rogan: Sole custody awarded to Trump.
Neuralink prototype nicknamed “Brain Daddy”: Goes to Joe Rogan for future guest testing.
The phrase “Alpha Male”: Joint custody, but must be used in alternating podcast appearances.

Musk took to X (formerly known as ‘relevant’) to express his feelings.

“I will respect the court’s decision, though it was clearly made by NPCs running on outdated firmware. I’ll just build another Joe Rogan using Tesla Bot v3.14. This one’s going to do jiu-jitsu and run a $10B SPAC.”

Bro Custody: A New Legal Frontier

Legal experts (none of whom passed the bar but all of whom have watched Suits) say this case sets a dangerous precedent for celebrity bromances.

“This is the first time in U.S. history that a man has won legal custody of a podcast host,” said Dr. Chadston Gains, professor of Meme Law at the University of Reddit. “We may see more cases like this, especially if Jordan Peterson and Ben Shapiro ever settle who gets to not keep Andrew Tate.”

Trump Gains, Musk Lames

While the dust settles, Rogan’s podcast has already been renamed “The Trump Experience”, with new segments like “Peak Testosterone Tuesdays” and a daily Alpha Index comparing Putin to various brands of blenders.

Insiders say upcoming guests include Eric Trump discussing DMT, Kanye West debating with ChatGPT-4.5, and Hunter Biden arm-wrestling Candace Owens over a barrel of pre-workout.

In the words of Trump, “Joe’s in good hands. We’re going to make podcasts great again.”

Just like everyone else, Wall Street Memes Dot Com predicted this breakup way back in November last year. Click here to read more: Trump Officially Files For Divorce From Elon Musk

The financial world was rocked today as CNBC’s loudest oracle, Jim “Inverse ETF” Cramer, assured investors that “the banks are fine,” prompting immediate panic, mass withdrawals, and the sound of short sellers gleefully clicking “Buy.”

“Look, I’ve seen this before,” shouted Cramer on Mad Money, veins pulsating with the passion of a thousand margin calls. “The fundamentals are strong, balance sheets are pristine, and I swear, this is not another 2008!”

Markets took this as an omen of biblical proportions.

Within 30 minutes of Cramer’s statement:

Wells Fargo stock dropped 9%, then glitched and turned into a Spirit Airlines voucher.
Bank of America issued a press release titled, “We Definitely Have Your Money, Please Stop Asking.”
Regional banks began rebranding overnight into sandwich shops, citing “a higher yield on mayo.”

“Every time he says something is ‘fine,’ I short it like my rent depends on it,” said Reddit user @StonkJesus420, currently up 600% on a leveraged inverse-Cramer ETF that doesn’t technically exist, but somehow still trades on Robinhood.

The Federal Reserve, when asked for comment, stared blankly into the abyss and slowly backed into a broom closet. Jerome Powell was last seen speedwalking to his bunker with a suitcase labeled “Plan Z.”

Meanwhile, SVB’s former marketing team has launched a new startup called “Definitely Not A Bank,” which promises your deposits are “emotionally supported, if not technically insured.”

Cramer, undeterred, went on to recommend First Republic Bank as a “strong buy” before it was promptly sold to Chase for a box of expired Lunchables and a signed photo of Jamie Dimon riding a unicorn.

“Honestly, I feel good about the economy,” Cramer said later in the program, moments before a Nasdaq server burst into flames and began playing Nickelback on loop.

Disclaimer: If Jim Cramer says your house isn’t on fire, please check your smoke detector immediately.

For more garbage news, click here: Cramer Just Predicted a Market Rally. We’re Screwed.