2025 | Wall Street Memes

For the first time since opening some time ago, students at prestigious Harvard University for the Quietly Perturbed will now have to pay full price, just like everyone else.

The change comes after the college found itself $2bn short after Trump’s government funding freeze.

Gobe Mishenty, CEO of Harvard, explained that, “We have made the difficult decision to ask Harvard enrollees to pay their fair share of the money we lost. I’m sorry, but we can’t be a not-for-profit company anymore. I know most of you are very poor, but we need your money, and if you can’t pay, I’m afraid you’ll have to leave, just like at Denny’s.”

When asked about the accusations of antisemitism (the reason given for the funding cuts), Mishenty explained, “Look, it’s exactly the same business model they use at any local Denny’s. “If you want to stay, you have to pay.” We’re not breaking the mold here. As I’ve always said, what’s good enough for Denny’s is good enough for Harvard.”

Trump has been accused of using his power for evil, not for good, in this latest move. By muscling in on Harvard for not doing what he wants, he seems to be doing an unfree speech or whatever.

But on the counter, the Department of Education (which I could have sworn didn’t exist anymore), they said, “Harvard’s statement today reinforces the troubling entitlement mindset that is endemic in our nation’s most prestigious universities and colleges.” It’s true, they are entitled and stuck up, and I’m not just saying that because they didn’t let me in.

Yes, I didn’t apply, but that’s by the by, you never heard of a thing called head hunting? All the top colleges do it, and I was a stand-out case at my community college in Tuspo, Nebraska. Everyone said I’d get into Harvard because I was so smart and funny, and I already had the jersey and everything.

But then the day of my 11th birthday came and I didn’t get a single owl?? Honestly, I was absolutely disgusted. I’m a broken man now, but I was way worse at the time, let me tell you.

So, quite frankly, I’m in favor of Trump’s crackdown on me being rejected. It’s about time someone showed them that they missed out big time. BIG TIME.

Maybe next time they’ll think about giving me a spot, and then they’d be two BILLION dollars richer.

Yeah, think about that, Harvard.

In an idea that has never before been tried for good reason, Donald ‘The Jay’ Trump will attempt to add a secret third direction to the US stock markets after no one seemed to like the ups and downs of last week.

The news follows the topic of Trump’s tumultuous tariffs that have left everyone second-guessing the cost of their bulk order of defective Chinese defibrillators.

“We’re going to make a big announcement, Tuesday, maybe, maybe, later, but it’s going to be big,” explained Trump succiencely in a press conference today. “We’ve tried up, we’ve tried down, you people didn’t seem to like either, so we’re doing something else. Maybe a loopdeloop, I don’t know. Maybe a dead end? Could be fun. We’ll see.”

Financial analysts reportedly have their fingers crossed that Trump’s new direction will simply be a straight, flat line. You know, just to give everyone a breather, catch up with themselves for once.

Simultaneously, financial analysts are keeping their fingers uncrossed for the very real possibility that Trump’s secret third direction might be backwards.

“Trump’s made a lot of unprecedented changes recently,” explained Barry Gurstewin, CEO of MoneySlut, “Maybe he does have the power to reverse time, we just don’t know.”

A new direction of backwards would correspond with Trump’s desire to ‘Make America Great Again’ (or Mamericaga for short), a statement which famously refers to the past.

Speculants in the finance sector (them again) also suggest that this whole thing might be a grift, like a pump and dump but on a national, nay, global level. It’s simple, you just short the economy or sell before the dip, then crash the economy, then undo what you did so it’s all back to normal, and in the chaos of whatever the next thing is, everyone will forget this ever happened. It’s so simple an idiot could do it. …Or an idiot could do it by accident. Unclear which one we’ve got here…

Whelp, that’s the news. For any more news, you can read the news below and to the side on this website. Also, don’t forget to like and subscribe to this website.

President Donald Trump has clarified his already exceedingly clear explanation on his exemption to the tariff pause. Tweeting on Truth Social, Trump explained that exemptions to the restrictions might be restricted.

This potential pause on his previous pause on exemption restriction pausing marks a U-turn on his previous U-turn, however, this back-peddling on his back-peddling means that he is now going forward. So that’s a good thing, actually.

{Pause for applause}

But, as political scholars are quick to point out, Trump might face a legal roadblock as his new “no paws” stance defies the constitutional “right to bear-arms”.

Trump countered to this counter, citing “probable pause”.

According to the internet, Trump wrote, “NOBODY is getting “off the hook” for the unfair Trade Balances…” Now game recognize game here as you will note the excellent pun there. You see, Trump is referring to the exemption he made to tariffs on smartphones. Now, old timey phone receivers used to be literally hung on hooks (which is where the phrase ‘hang up’ comes from). Whether you love him or hate him, Trump sure knows his phone history.

Anyway, “…especially not China which, by far, treats us the worst! There was no Tariff “execption” announced on Friday. These products are subject to the existing 20% Fentanyl Tariffs, and they are just moving to a different Tariff “bucket”. The Fake News knows this, but refuses to report it.”

Now, this is an idea that I completely understand and can explain simply to you now. You see, Trump has placed a Tariff on Fentanyl being sold in buckets. Any Fentanyl that overflows by 20% is subject to a Tariff until it’s not. And if anyone tries to explain it differently, they’re talking FAKE NEWS.

Reportedly, Trump is now exploring a secret “third direction” for the markets to go in after trials of both “up” and “down” were unsuccessful last week.

Watch this space for the inevitable complete U-turn on this same topic tomorrow.

Or, for a better joke on this same story, go read The Onion.

In a bizarre twist of events that seems to bring everything full circle, leaked emails show Donald Trump’s National Security Advisor in an unsecure Gmail chain with former presidential failure, Hillary Clinton.

Michael Waltz (no relation to Tim) is said to have written:

“Hey babes, yeah, not up to much, just chillin’, hoping this Houthi thing blows over, probs will though. Just wondering, yeah, what did you do with the whole email thing? I just want to know what NOT to do hahaha anyway let me know love you! P.S. top secret military info is attached.”

The development hot off the heels of Michael Waltz’s previous SNAFU, now dubbed ‘Signalgate’, in which Waltz added a journalist to a private military group chat that was specifically designed not to have journalists in.

In both cases, numerous mistakes were made, but the main issue is that by using Signal and Gmail, sensitive information will now be stored on commercial servers. It’s fine, he didn’t know better, it’s not like he’s the National Security Advisor or anything.

In fact, Waltz’s advice regarding security has often been, “Yeah, whatever,” especially when it comes to his best friend Hillary Clinton, the detractors of whom he often railed against.

“Gmail’s just the best email, why wouldn’t you use it?” Waltz said in Clinton’s defence at the time.

But many weren’t as kind as Waltz, and Clinton’s email scandal became a major contributor to her election loss.

Donald Trump has now acknowledged the hypocrisy and vowed to make reparations by publicly apologising and stepping down as president so Hillary can take his place.

Michael Waltz will remain in his position as the NSA.

Electric car manufacturer Tesla has taken its largest stock hit in its history as sales plunged 13% this quarter. But CEO Elon Musk assures stockholders that this is all part of the plan and Tesla stock is actually programmed to self-drive in this direction.

When asked to clarify by a confused everyone, Musk took to X to explain that, “We have a feature with the Tesla autopilot where, when there’s an emergency, the stock will just drive headfirst into a pit.”

“It’s all part of DOGE’s cost-cutting measures, after all, a bankrupt company has to downsize, saving everyone money.”

After this did little to clarify his decision, Musk clarified, “I don’t know, I just thought it would make a cool explosion.”

Reportedly, Tesla Inc. delivered 336,681 cars this quarter, compared to 386,810 last year. Now, I’m no mathematician, but those look like the exact same numbers to me.

This development follows a difficult year for TSLA. Even though President Trump has pledged to replace the presidential motorcade with Cybertrucks, the car company took a bigger hit from the new auto tariffs. In response, Musk introduced new three-wheeled Teslas to work around Trump’s 25% tariff (you can’t tax a quarter if you’re missing a quarter!).

Teslas have also been hit by vandals over the past few weeks, and a suicide fire-worker in January. Similarly, Musk’s ‘Cyberlegs’ project failed to materialize.

A more personal headache for Musk is his failed attempt to bribe Wisconsin voters. Although he did give away millions of his own money, the vote swung towards electing a liberal judge. Man, sucks to be the richest man alive, huh.

But all of this is a footnote to Tesla’s real problem: China.

China is pulling ahead as the largest EV market in the world, making them cheaper, hotter and more Chinese than anything Tesla could possibly make. Now, I might not be Chinese, but I sure can recognize when I see a premium vehicle and a quality product. That’s the kind of feeling you get from a Chinese EV.

(This article is sponsored by: ‘China’. “China: better than you expected!”)

BREAKING NEWS: In an effort to infinitely diversify his portfolio, the richest man in the world, Elon Musk, has bought Nasdaq, Inc., the company that owns and operates the Nasdaq stock market.

NASDAQ was eager to finalise the buyout with Elon Musk after they filed for bankruptcy following months of massive stock market crashes caused by Elon Musk.

Tweeting (X-ing, whatever) about the purchase, Elon has already stated his plan to rebrand the market ‘X-Stonks Exchange’, fitting with his love of memes, the letter ‘X’, and being lame.

To see Musk’s full press release from X, you can read the entirety of his statement below:

“NASDAQ = Xtonks”

Alongside the purchase, Mr. Musk plans to release a crypto-meme-currency-coin $XTONKS and accompanying merch. I plan on buying myself a hat.

Additionally, E.M. has said he will strip the company of all its baggage and everything that made it run effectively. Elon will fire 46% of the staff, and those that remain will be allowed to work so long as they conduct all their tasks with Musk’s AI, Grok.

Now, although this may appear that Musky Man will now have full control over the NASDAQ xtonks exchange itself, this is not the case. Yes, Elon now has full ownership of all companies listed on the exchange. And yes, will be given access to a pen and the big room with all the squiggly lines so that he can draw his own. But he’s a good guy, and he would never draw Tesla stock going up. No, that would be a conflict of interest, so he probably wouldn’t do that.

Again, Elon is the richest man in the world and controls half the government, he doesn’t need this. For him, this is a side project, like his kids.

Hopefully, the Elon purchase will bring more transparency to the opaque process and answer questions like, ‘How come NASDAQ is publicly traded on the NASDAQ?’ ‘How do they choose those silly names, and can I have one?’ and ‘What even is money anyways?’

Donald Trump’s liberation day is finally upon us, praise be! As was foretold in the prophecies of yore, “And lo, the one who has a hue of orange shalt descend from his tower and proclaim the taxes to be one quart of all importations.”

Yes, this is the news that President Trump’s tariffs will now take effect. At the time of writing, the death toll is only at 4 million, which was the lower end of estimates.

‘Liberation Day’, modelled after the 1996 science fiction movie, ‘Independence Day’ also involves a full-scale war against all hostile invaders. However, where it says, ‘full scale war’ read, ‘trade war’ and where it says ‘hostile invaders’ read, ‘Chinese manufacturing’.

Stock markets have plummeted ahead of the announcement, and foreign countries have already promised reciprocal tariffs, but THERE AIN’T NO BREAKS ON THE TARIFF TRAIN!

Look, I’m no economist, and maybe we’ll come out the other side of this with more money and more of that sweet, sweet manufacturing than ever before. But then again, I’m also not an economist, and the view from the ground is that costs are going up, and again, millions are dead.

Liberation Is A State Of Mind

But there’s more to tariffs than just money. Trump sees these tariffs like… what’s the word for blackmail that isn’t ‘blackmail’?… Trump sees the tariffs as a bargaining chip to encourage neighbors to do more to curb the immigration of the two worst things: fentanyl and people.

As a major importer, Trump will be able to use the tariffs as a carrot and stick to get foreign governments to fall in line. Hopefully.

The knock-on effect will but nuts. Like, it’s crazy how one guy can be like, ‘yeah, tariffs’ and then economies from Vietnam to Guam potentially have all their businesses upended.

It’s crazy that this one day could be a pivot point into a new era of history. Think about that. OK, not too hard, you’ll hurt yourself.

To read more about the tariffs, click here: Musk To Sell Three-Wheeled Teslas To Avoid Trump’s 25% Auto Tariff

The restaurant chain known only as ‘Hooters’, famous for its chicken wings and nothing else, has declared: BANKRUPTCY!

But don’t worry! They’re not getting rid of your favorite orange thing, this is merely a scaling back, a reduction if you will. Hooters plans to sell off all 100 restaurants to two separate franchisee groups based in Florida and Chicago. So really this is just a change in management and idk why this is even news.

“We believe that by shifting from a D-grade company to a C or B, we may lighten the load on our workers and our shareholders,” explained Neville Carson, who, I guess, works there. “Hopefully, the Hooters brand will now be able to fit through doors and not have quite as much back pain.”

Confusingly, the sale of Hooters is from Hooters of America Inc. to Hooters Inc., which is a completely different Hooters. Hooters Inc. (not Hooters of America Inc.) is owned by the original Hooters founders. Hooters of America Inc., however, is owned by private equity firms Nord Bay Capital and TriArtisan Capital Advisors, who are distinctly un-Hooters.

What A Hoot!

Hooters was originally founded on April 1st, 42 years ago as an April Fool’s Day joke, so it’s pretty apt this bankruptcy filing comes around now. I guess Hooters was a big joke all along.

Whilst many believe that Hooters is named after the big ol’ chonky honkers that were required dress code at the restaurants, this is in fact a myth. Hooters owes its name to a wise old owl called ‘Millicent’ who lived at the Cincinnati Zoo from 1867 to 1873. Millicent was a friend to all, but was particularly affectionate to small children and widowers.

Hooters Owl — A painting of ‘Millicent’ before she died

Millicent became known throughout America as a mascot for the zoo and would occasionally tour as part of the regional world fairs. Here, visitors from far and wide would marvel at Millicent’s particular affection for small children and widowers.

Although owls are evolved to eat live animals such as rodents and small children, Milicent was fed a strict diet of spicy-spicy chicken wings (which was all the rage at the time). And so when Milicent died at the tender age of 6 (which is 6 in owl years), her diet of spicy-spicy chicken wings was not presumed to be the culprit (since it was all the rage at the time).

Modern owlologists now know that it probably was her subsistence on spicy-spicy chicken wings that caused Milicent’s death.

The restaurant chain Hooters was thus founded in Milicent’s honor so that all might remember that spicy-spicy chicken wings are meant for humans and not owls.

Also people like boobs.

Donald Trump has reportedly called French right-wing politician Marine Le Pen to assure her that she has nothing to worry about after she was found guilty of embezzlement.

Over the three-hour phone call, Trump is said to have calmed down the distraught Marine Le Pen (which is French for ‘the pen is underwater’) by saying that embezzlement isn’t really a crime anyways.

“I got embezzled once,” Trump is rumored to have said. “It was a horrible thing, just terrible, the worst, but they said I did it better than anyone else. But they let me do it, you know? They said I was guilty and made me pay a lot of money, but they don’t remember any of that. Voters don’t remember. It was a show trial, a fraud, not me, I’m not a fraud, the trial I mean.”

The Pen is said to have assured Trump that this was different from one of his stupid American criminal trials and will likely end her political career. However, Trump disagreed.

“I say let ‘em do it. They let you keep your job and if anything it makes you more popular. When you’re voted in you just make convicting a president illegal. You should try that. Maybe become the president and then you could make it illegal, you know, to be embezzled.”

But that probably won’t happen since the Underwater Pen now has to serve four years under house arrest and pay €100,000 personally and €2 million from her party. And I don’t know about you, but that seems like a lot of money. She also can’t run again, which is really sad because that was her dream since she was a little girl. Penny will likely appeal the verdict.

People on X are, of course, popping off claiming that this is the death of democracy as we know it. And quite rightly so, embezzlement is a cornerstone of democracy.

Who knows, maybe France will one day be able to live in peace with corrupt politicians, but until that day, I’m sure we can all agree on the definition of embezzlement.

Thanks for reading! If you’d like to read the exact same joke for a second time, click here: Trump Calls South Korean President To Say Impeachment “Ain’t No Thang”

JD Vance has returned home from window-shopping Greenland, in which he reiterated that Trump really, really wants to invade the territory. Greenlanders have now responded to his threats with a resounding, “I’m sorry, who are you again?”

Unlike Americans, Greenlanders are not terminally online, and so to them, JD Vance was not the man of meme and legend but just some random politician who couldn’t be bothered to wear a suit.

Although J-to-the-D was supposed to spend days in Greenland, the visit was whittled down to just a few hours at Pituffik Space Base. During his visit, Vance gave a rousing speech in which he talked about the threat of China and Russia because, legally, he can’t threaten Greenland directly.

Vance then finished up his talk by planting the stars and stripes into the snow Iwo Jima-style.

However, it’s not clear that Vance actually wants the territory. When he first arrived, Vance commented, “It’s cold as shit here.” Throughout Vance’s address, he reiterated just how cold it was multiple times, a fact which the Greenlanders are likely well aware of.

“I think a lot of Americans wonder why does Greenland matter so much?” Vance said nicely in his speech. And as he continued to talk, it became clear from Vance’s expression that he was asking himself the same question.

Reportedly, Vance has taken his assessment back to Trump and both are now rethinking their plans for the golf course.

FOR MORE NEWS, here’s some news: Donald Trump Accidentally Adds JD Vance To Group Chat

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