February, 2025 | Wall Street Memes

Bowl fans nationwide were confused and frightened to discover that once again no bowl was featured during the Super Bowl.

“I’m disgusted. I vomited into this bowl I always carry with me,” commented bowl aficionado, Brandon Bropslod. “We expected to see a bowl that had superpowers of some kind and instead we were given a game of football? What?”

Fans were initially hopeful that one of the players would bring a bowl onto the field however this did not occur. Next, when the halftime show began there were rumors that Kendrick Lamar might emerge wearing a bowl haircut however this was not the case. During the ad breaks, bowl fans were on the edge of their seats in anticipation of a breakfast cereal ad but, alas, no luck.

Experts are baffled by this phenomenon. Some believe that the bowls have been abducted by aliens, while others suspect that they are hiding in a secret location, waiting for the perfect moment to reveal themselves.

The NFL has released a statement expressing their concern and disappointment. “We are doing everything in our power to locate the missing bowls,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “We understand how important this tradition is to our fans, and we are committed to finding a resolution.”

In the meantime, fans are left to wonder what has happened to their beloved bowls. Some have taken to social media to express their frustration and disappointment.

“#WhereAreTheBowls” has been trending on Twitter for several days. One user wrote, “I can’t believe this is happening. I’ve been looking forward to the Super Bowl all year.”

Another user added, “This is a travesty. The bowls are a part of our national heritage.”

The search for the missing bowls continues, and fans are hopeful that they will be reunited with their beloved tradition soon. However, with each passing day, the mystery deepens, and the question remains: where are the bowls? WHERE ARE THE BOWLS???

President-Of-The-Hour Donald Jeffery Trump has announced a 25% import tariff on any steel and aluminum entering the United States forcing beverage companies to reduce their soda can size by at least 25%.

A spokesperson from CoCo Kola (no relation) commented that, “We wholeheartedly agree with the president’s decision to tax aluminium. As so called shrinkflation hits families down and up America we see this as a great opportunity to make a quick profit. Now, everyone’s favortie delicious Kola will come in a ‘fun-sized’ variety at the same price.”

Doctors agree that this is better for everyone. “I myself don’t drink CoCo Kola,” said Dr. U, head of the physical studies department of humans at the University of Guam. “But if I did I would probably be obese. No, this way people won’t drink as much CoCo Kola, which can only be good for everyone. Particularly me. Because I’m spiteful.”

Speaking from Air Force One, Mr. Trump explained the change, “AMERICA HAS BEEN LAST FOR TOO LONG!!” he said, somehow speaking in all-caps. “NOW SODA CANS WILL BE SMALLER SO YOUR HANDS LOOK BIGGER! A WIN WIN FOR EVERYONE OUT THERE WITH HANDS!”

Trump-a-licious

Likely hit hardest by this change are Canada, Brazil and Mexico who make up the majority of America’s aluminium trading numbers. Mexico says if it cannot trade aluminium then it will be forced to trade drugs instead.

Little does Trump know that Air Force One and other planes are also made of metals that will be hit by the tariff. A significantly reduced size for the Presidential Plane will likely cause issues for the President who has stated in the past that he likes planes to be “big”.

“We’re going to make America great again, one tiny soda can at a time,” Trump said at a rally in Ohio. “And let me tell you, these new cans are going to be tremendous. They’re going to be so small, you’ll be able to fit them in your pocket. And they’re going to be so affordable, you’ll be able to buy a six-pack for the same price as a single can before.”

Consumers, however, are not as enthusiastic about the new tariffs. Many have taken to social media to express their outrage, with some even calling for a boycott of soda.

“This is ridiculous,” said one Twitter.com user. “I’m not going to pay the same price for half the soda. I’m going to switch to water, which I hate.”

The President’s personal physician, Dr. Cabzo Eirangily has warned Donald Trump that, should he continue working at his current pace, he could die in a matter of minutes.

“As President Trump’s second most trusted medical source after RFK Jr., I am seriously encouraging him to take a break,” Dr. Eirangily explained. “We’re not even a month into his second presidency and so far he has… Hold on, I’ll speak in bullet points so it’s easier to follow:”

“And what, he’s expected to do this for four years? No whey hose A. I’m worried one more trade war and he might die of ‘too much president’. Just look at what happen to J’Biden.”

“I would also,” the doctor then turned directly to me and looked me dead in the eyes, “I would also like it if you would stop encouraging him.”

“You’re always writing about him, reporting on every little major thing he does and it just motivates him to do more. If you really care about this man’s health as I sure do then you’ll stop writing stories on him, OK? Deal?”

Deal.

[NOTE: This entire article has now been redacted. DO NOT READ.]

Beloved Sesame Street character Elmo found himself accidentally encased in concrete during the latest expansion of the iconic children’s television show location. The incident, which occurred during a construction project to add a new playground area, left Elmo unable to move and screaming for help.

According to sources close to the production, the mishap occurred when a crew of construction workers accidentally poured wet concrete into the area where Elmo was standing, mistaking him for a decorative rock. Elmo, who was reportedly engrossed in counting numbers, was unaware of the danger until it was too late.

“We were all in shock,” said Big Bird, who witnessed the incident. “One minute Elmo was there, counting his numbers, and the next minute he was dead. Wait, no, not dead, sorry, just buried up to his neck in concrete.”

Since the Sesame Street emergency crews are also puppets they were ineffectual at removing Elmo before the quick-setting concrete hardened. After several days of chiseling away at the concrete to free the relentlessly shrieking Elmo, Elmo was extracted at the small cost of a limb.

“Elmo is a tough cookie,” said Cookie Monster, who helped to comfort Elmo after the incident. “He’s already back to his old self, counting numbers, making us all laugh. Yeah, he’s missing an arm but hey, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.”

Sesame Street producers have since apologized for the incident and have promised to implement stricter safety protocols on set. The first of which is to ban Elmo from the street until a full investigation can be undertaken. They have also assured fans that Elmo is doing well and that the show will continue to produce new episodes as scheduled.

In a statement, Elmo himself said, “Elmo is okay! Elmo learned a valuable lesson about construction safety! Elmo reminds children that construction sites are not play areas even if that’s what they’re building! Like Elmo always says, ‘If you want to keep your limbs, don’t go for a swim (in concrete)!’”

Despite the positive message, lawyers predict that Elmo will likely sue for damages.

Supposed Vice-President Johnathan ‘Deere’ Vance was finally found this week after a nationwide manhunt. The famed author of Netflix’s 2020 hit movie ‘Hillbilly Elegy’ starring Amy Adams, Glenn Close, Gabriel Basso as a significantly hotter JD Vance and INTRODUCING Owen Asztalos as a young, also hotter, J.D. Vance, wait… Where was I?

Oh yeah, the famed author and politician J (d) Vance has been conspicuously absent from Donald ‘don’t call it a comeback’ Trup’s nascent 2nd presidency. Many feared for the Vice President’s life however they just don’t understand the role of VP which is to be invisible and do nothing until you have to do a surprise last-minute campaign for president and then no one knows who you are and you lose because nobody knows who you are but also you’re a woman, wait…

Where was I? Oh yeah. SO, following Elon’s bright light outshining the real VP, J.D.’s family filed a missing person report and a month-long manhunt began. Thankfully Mr. Vance was found living safe and sound living under a large boulder in the woods in his home state of Appalachia.

When confronted by authorities eager to return him to the White House, a dirt-covered Vance reportedly hissed and spat, then howled for his wolf brothers to protect him. The wolves descended and 56 emergency service workers were killed in the ensuing battle.

Just before being mauled to death, one reporter was able to ask Vance’s opinion about Trump’s proposed purchase of Gaza to which Vance replied, “No comment.”

“JD’s a good guy, tough cookie,” said Trunmp in response to the wolf attacks. “Sure, he’s a creature of the woods, a ‘manwolf’ they’re calling him. Great VP, doesn’t get in the way.”

A recent survey showed that millions of Americans now feel cheated for even bothering to watch the VP TV debate.

One concerned citizen had this to say, “If I’d known the VP would just go and live in the woods, I would have voted for Tim Walz.”

For now, Vance will remain in the woods until this whole ‘Trump’ ‘Presidency’ thing blows over. Until then, well, I don’t know about you but he’s certainly dead to me.

RIP VP JD.

The fate of the unfortunately named, United States Agency for International Development (USAID) remains in the balance however quadillionaire Elon Musk has come out in opposition to the department Tweeting, “I don’t think anyone should have AIDS.”

“Call me old fashioned,” the SpaceX CEO continued, “but I think AIDS is bad and I don’t think there should be a whole government department devoted to giving it to people. I think they should give people money instead.”

Confusing the answer to whether Musk even has the power to do this, Trump seemed a bit more teachy-peechy (that’s a phrase right?). “We’re getting them out and then we’ll make a decision.”

Whereas Musk said, “We’re shutting it down.”

But Trump said, “We’ll see.”

But then Musk said, “No, it’s done.”

“Maybe.”

“…not.”

“OK, back in your box ELan.”

“No, I don’t want want to go back in the box.”

“Back in your box.”

“Naaaahhhoooo!!”

Elon Musk and his embarrassingly named DOGE have been on a mission to cut government spending. With an office in DC and 20-something employees of 20-somethings, Musk has been on the offensive left right, and center doing things that everyone’s really not sure is legal…

Ironically USAID actually provides money to various HIV/AIDS prevention organizations so getting rid of AIDS might actually bring about more AIDS. …AIDS.

USAID staff have been sent home and some employees have been locked out of their emails which explains why Janice isn’t responding to me even though I sent her like a dozen emails and even texted her to say she should make sure to check her junk mail.

The USAID could not be reached for comment. You know, probably because of what I just said…

Also, their website is down.

Two directors at the agency were put on administrative leave after refusing DOGE access to sensitive payment information. Look, I’m not a legal political expert by any stretch of anything but idk if a private citizen should have access to government documents. Like, what’s even going on here? I guess they’re like it’s fine, we don’t need to jump through the bureaucratic hoops because that’s what slows things down we’re cool and techy, move fast break things, we’re outsiders and we’re cool, but aren’t those rules there for a reason? Like, maybe Musk and gang should be properly vetted and stuff? Or voted in? Or something? I don’t know, if an expert in this can weigh in in the comment section that would be great thanks.

Anyway, what was I talking about? AIDS?

I tell you what would AID me, is a break from all this! Jebus-Louibus, man I can’t keep up with it anymore! All the news! There’s too much news I tell ya!

Continuing the expansion of the Trump real estate empire, the ‘yes-it’s-only-been-two-weeks-President’ Donald Trump has announced a new golf course in the Gaza Strip.

The new course will add to Trump’s latest property developments in Greenland and the Gulf of Mexico. Sorry, ‘Gulf of America’, sorry, ‘Golf of America’.

What precisely will happen to the 2 million people who don’t want to live on a golf course? Well, you know, maybe they could, I dunno, do you have any ideas?

“You know Gaza’s interesting,” Trump previously said explaining his plans for the territory, “It’s a phenomenal location, on the sea, best weather, you know everything’s good, some beautiful things could be done with it.” The President stopped short of saying, those ‘things’ were a big ol’ golf course.

The America First President intent on slashing government explained his planned new purchase recently at a press conference with Benji Netenyahoo, “The US will take over the Gaza Strip and we’ll do a job with it too.” What, ‘a job’? What does that MEAN? “We’ll own it and be responsible for dismantling all the dangerous unexploded bombs and other weapons on the site.” Ok, I guess that clears things up.

So the plan is, in response to a terrorist attack, America is going to go in and take control of a Middle Eastern country under the pretense of disabling weapons…

…Those who repeat history are doomed to learn a lesson from it, or something like that.

Not-America Unhappy With Trump Plan

Countries across the world and beyond have condemned the plan as “bad”. But to be fair though, Kamala Harris would have done a way worse job, so I don’t think they’re allowed to complain actually.

Russian President Vladimir Putin was one of the few leaders not to condemn the announcement, saying, “Heheheeh, now you see! Taking a place just because you want it is not such a bad thing!”

What does this mean for the ceasefire I hear you ask? Well, that’s… That’s also a question. Hey, maybe both sides really want a golf course. Oh, you did? And they don’t? Ok, well, then let’s not ask them.

Experts Weigh In

Political commentator and Palestinian-Israeli relations expert, ‘Douglas ‘n’ Texas’ (@douglasntexas) weighed in on the complex issue with a simple three-step plan:

“MGGA: Make Gaza Great Again. Although I am not sure it ever was great. However, an end to the violence over there would be a nice change for the people of Gaza and Israel. Step 1: Get rid of the Muslim extremist twisting up the religion for their own personal profit. Step 2: Educate their women. Step 3: Educate their children.” (Punctuation added for clarity)

Problem solved, thanks Doug.

Trump fan and Middle Eastern politics expert — ‘Douglas In Texas’, the man (and definitely not an AI bot) who solved the Palestine-Israel war

It’s Trade-War Tuesdays at Trump Tower, or as lay people might describe it, ‘family board game night’. For the Trumps there’s only one board game in town and that’s the king of cutthroat capitalistic conniving. No, not Monopoly, the Trumps only play Catan.

The classic German trading game is only 4-player, but you know the Trumps forked out for the 6-player expansion long ago. Obviously, that’s still not enough for the whole gang, Donald, Melania, Donald Jr., Ivanka, Eris, Tiffany, and Barron (not a real baron) so normally they just don’t invite Tiffany.

Trump Catan Tweet — Donald Trump has been a Catan fan since before X was X

But this week, Tiffany is now a welcome guest because, for the first time, Donald Trump has been barred from his own family Catan night.

It all began last Tuesday when Melania was in desperate need of sheep but her only source was her loving husband. Melania needed just three more sheep to give her the resources to upgrade her towns to cities and earn enough victory points to win the game. Donald knew this and as the sole producer of sheep, he held all the cards… sheep cards.

Trump Remains Sheepish On Trade

Trump refused point blank to trade. No matter how persuasive Melania’s puppy eyes were, Trump would not cave. This significantly soured the mood of the normally jovial game. Don Jr., who also needed sheep (not to build anything, just because he likes sheep) was also iced out. The rest of the children didn’t really need sheep and just wanted an excuse to talk to Dad. But all they could get out of him for the rest of the game was an angry, ‘no’.

Things took another turn when Eric pointed out that this way, no one would win. In fact, Donald still needed the brick resource to complete his longest road. The only way for everyone to get along and for the game to continue would be if they all started trading again. This was met with another curt ‘no’ and a threat to build a wall around Eric’s tiles.

Eventually, Melania caved. She gave Donald the brick he needed, but at the much lower trade of just one sheep. Melania could not complete her cities. Donald, however, was able to smugly steam ahead with his longest road, a beautiful road, and win the game.

And THAT is why, Donald has been barred from all future family Trump Tower Catan nights. So, who’s the real winner here, hmm?

Following four hypothermia-related fatalities at this year’s Grammys, the Recording Academy has announced that they will be implementing a strict dress code for next year’s award ceremony.

“We are devoted to the promotion and appreciation of music in all its forms,” said the organization in a statement. “And whilst expressive fashion always has been a vital part of the music industry, we will no longer tolerate costumes that make a mockery of our art form, specifically weird foam-house-hat-things. I’m sorry, Jaden Smith, you just took it too far and have ruined it for everyone.”

Kanye West and his ironically-named wife Bianca Censori successfully made headlines after she took to the red carpet in a near-invisible dress. Whilst many thought that it was this outfit and the following deaths that sparked the Grammys’ new dress code, the academy made no mention of Censori’s outfit and is apparently only upset by Jaden Smith’s house hat.

According to the new dress code, all attendees, including performers, presenters, and guests, must adhere to the following guidelines:

All clothing must cover a majority of the body, and may not be shaped like a house in any way.
No sheer, transparent or house-like fabrics are allowed.
All outfits must be free of any offensive or controversial imagery, such as houses.
No costumes, props or hat houses are permitted.
Jaden Smith is permanently banned from the ceremony.

“I don’t know why I can’t wear my house,” said Smith in response. “It’s not my fault I’m agoraphobic.”

The Recording Academy has stated that these guidelines are necessary to maintain the dignity and prestige of the 100% prestigious and entirely dignified Grammeter Awards. They also hope that the new dress code will help to focus attention on the music and performances rather than on the attendees’ stupid attire.

However, the new dress code has been met with mixed reactions from the music industry. Some artists have praised the Recording Academy for taking a stand against inappropriate house attire, while others have criticized the move as being too restrictive and out of touch with the creative spirit of the music industry.

“What’s next they going to ban house music? Where does it end?” commented famed music producer Mr. … oh, no, wait, that was just some guy, never mind.

Oh, and also, Beyoncé won a Grammy so good for her, I guess.

It was a day like any other, local 46-year-old Gerald Jorkins was hiking in the woods behind his house but then he stumbled open something unexpected.

“I couldn’t believe it,” explained Mr. Jorkins in an exclusive interview. “It looked just like any other woodland spring except it… It called to me.”

Jorkins then proceeded to drink from the spring despite his boy-scout training telling him not to.

“I instantly felt rejuvenated, fresher, younger. I checked my reflection and I was, I now looked at most 32. I did it, I’d found the Fountain of Youth!”

However, to his dismay, drinking from the fountain did nothing to alleviate the fact that Mr. Jorkins was still excruciatingly dull.

“I really thought I’d have something more to talk about, but my wife and friends still aren’t that interested. Turns out that being young and immortal doesn’t make you any less ordinary.”

Despite his newfound immortality, Mr. Jorkins’ life remained as monotonous as ever. He still had to go to work, pay bills, and endure awkward family gatherings. Even his newfound ability to heal rapidly from injuries failed to impress those around him.

“I’ve been hit by cars, fallen off cliffs, and even been struck by lightning, and I just bounce right back,” he said with a sigh. “My friend, Andy broke his leg the other day and that’s all anyone’s interested in now. As for me, well, it’s starting to feel like a curse more than a blessing.”

In a desperate attempt to find meaning in his endless existence, Mr. Jorkins tried extreme sports, traveled the world, and even dabbled in philanthropy. But nothing seemed to fill the void within him.

“I can live for centuries, but can I truly live?”

Mr. Jorkins has found one fan in the tech millionaire and biohacker Bryan Johnson noted for his attempts to prolong his life through extremes medical proceedures.

“Oh boy, yeah, I can relate. Being young forever certainly doesn’t make you interesting,” said Mr. Johnson on Mr. Jorkins plight. “Yes you talk to journalists and bloggers but they’re interested in you as a freakshow, not because they like you. I’ve basically had a personality transplant and tried to replace anything that was interesting about me with all this medical stuff. It’s not really succeeded.”

Mr. Johnson recently announced he would no longer be transfusing his son’s blood as part of his medical experiments.

“No, I think this Jorkins fella might be just the sustinence I need…” said Mr. Johnson.

Celebrating the new found interest from Mr. Johnson, Mr. Jorkins said, “Hey, at least I have a friend now!”

Back to you in the studio, Nathan.

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