Local Man Regrets Spending $50 Million On Condoms, “I Might Have Overestimated My Chances”

GAZA, MOZAMBIQUE – A local man (local if you live in Gaza, Mozambique) has expressed his regret after spending $50 million of US government aid entirely on contraceptives for himself.

Eduardo Guardo, who requested he remain anonymous, explained, “What can I say? I thought I’d get lucky. Yeah, using $50 million worth of condoms would require constant sex until the heat death of the universe, but I’m a hopeful man. No, I still haven’t had sex yet but fingers crossed!”

Mr. Guardo, who remains a virgin, recently read a book on ‘pickup’ techniques to increase his chance of romance. After becoming confident in his abilities, Mr. Guardo estimated he would need at least $50 million worth of condoms. This was not the case however and Mr. Guardo in fact required $0 million worth of condoms.

“So now I’ve got this massive warehouse filled with rubbers and idk what to do with them. I thought maybe I could get into balloon animals or something.”

Mr. Guardo’s purchase became a point of controversy recently after Elon Musk claimed this was an example of government overspending. Musk however misunderstood and thought the condoms went to the Gaza Strip (which would be a problem) and not Gaza, Mozambique (which is fine, actually).

It still remains unclear if the cited overspending did indeed happen but the condoms have reportedly somehow ended up in the hands of Hamas.

“I needed a buyer, ok?” confirmed Mr. Guardo. “If they’re going to do it and I can’t stop them then I’d rather they were doing it safely, you know? You have fun, kids.”

Leaked information speculates Hamas will now sell the condoms back to the US and use the money to buy weapons. And the circle of life continues…

Latest news

John Combs• February 14, 2025D

Local Man Regrets Spending $50 Million On Condoms, “I Might Have Overestimated My Chances”

GAZA, MOZAMBIQUE – A local man (local if you live in Gaza, Mozambique) has expressed...
Politics
John Combs• D

Local Man Regrets Spending $50 Million On Condoms, “I Might Have Overestimated My Chances”

GAZA, MOZAMBIQUE – A local man (local if you live in Gaza, Mozambique) has expressed...
Politics

Google Maps Crashes Under Sheer Volume Of Border Changes

Google’s map app, ‘Google Maps’ has reported global outages following the overwhelming number of border changes implemented by President Donald Trump.

The changes began with the rebranding of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of the United States of America. Next came the acquisition of Greenland, then Canada, and then Palestine. Just this week, Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth said that Ukraine’s pre-2014 borders would be unrealistic, effectively ceding Crimea to Russia. Then, Trump announced his plan to begin Ukraine peace talks after a call with Putin. And lastly, California has unmoored itself from the continent and is now adrift in the pacific.

With all these dramatic changes, Google Maps has had no choice but to completely crash. Now users attempting to use the app to navigate will be rerouted through the ocean which, to be fair, is about as usable as it was before.

In an attempt to fix the bug, Google has patched the displayed map to only feature two global countries, Russia and America. Reportedly this simplifies the app’s data and means that everything’s running smoothly again. The only downside is that it has started a new cold war.

“Yeah, this isn’t our fault,” claimed Gordon Mesotenso, Google’s lead cartographer. “I was born with a severe condition in which I’m told I am unable to communicate successfully with humans however I am able to create maps with the accuracy of a satellite. No, I do not play geoguesser.”

“Google Maps is and always has been 100% accurate regardless of territorial disputes,” continued Mesotenso. “China owns the independent sovereign nation of Taiwan. The free Israeli state of Palestine is entirely autonomous of any other country. And Kasmir simply exists on another plain of existence.”

“The problem is when people come in and tell me what’s where and what’s called what. I can keep up but the app can’t. When we have to keep updating it every other day our users’ phones crash and then what? People die. That’s what.”

It remains to be seen what remains to be seen or if anything can be seen at all. Stay tuned.

Latest news

Ima Short• February 13, 2025D

Google Maps Crashes Under Sheer Volume Of Border Changes

Google’s map app, ‘Google Maps’ has reported global outages following the overwhelmi...
Politics
Ima Short• D

Google Maps Crashes Under Sheer Volume Of Border Changes

Google’s map app, ‘Google Maps’ has reported global outages following the overwhelmi...
Politics

Elon Musk Makes Compelling New Offer For OpenAI: “I’ll Leave You Alone”

After OpenAI CEO Sam Altman refused Elon Musk’s offer of $97.4bn, the world’s richest man made a compelling counteroffer: “I’ll leave you alone forever, I won’t Tweet, and I won’t show up at your door in the middle of the night anymore.”

Altman now has to take this offer to the board and consider their options but given the generous bid, they might take some time to deliberate.

On the one hand, they would lose control of the company behind ChatGPT and give that technology to the increasingly politically motivated Elon Musk (AKA Harry Bōlz, AKA Adrian Dittmann, AKA Kekius Maximus). But on the other hand, they won’t have to hear his very funny jokes anymore (remember the sink bit?). But on the other hand, they wouldn’t receive any money for the most valuable startup in the world. But on the other hand, can you put a price on inner peace?

Close your eyes. Breathe deep. Imagine for a moment a Musk-less world. Breathe out.

Hmm. Perhaps that is worth $97.4bn?

Donald Trump is said to be interested in the same offer after Elon rocked up at the White House yesterday for an impromptu press conference. The Trump team has said the trespasser will be prosecuted within the full extent of the law.

Altman laughed the original offer (much lower than $300bn estimated value) out the door and Tweeted in response, “no thank you but we will buy twitter for $9.74 billion if you want.” Well, jokes on Altman because it’s not called Twitter! HAHAHA! You idiot! You IDIOT!

This episode in an ongoing spat between the two men helped found OpenAI and then fought for control of the company. More recently Musk and Altman clashed on the proposed Stargate project in which both men built giant mechanized robots to fight each other.

Honestly, they should just f*** and get it over with.

Latest news

Ima Short• February 12, 2025D

Elon Musk Makes Compelling New Offer For OpenAI: “I’ll Leave You Alone”

After OpenAI CEO Sam Altman refused Elon Musk’s offer of $97.4bn, the world’s richest ...
Elon
Ima Short• D

Elon Musk Makes Compelling New Offer For OpenAI: “I’ll Leave You Alone”

After OpenAI CEO Sam Altman refused Elon Musk’s offer of $97.4bn, the world’s richest ...
Elon

Any Sort Of Bowl, Super Or Otherwise, Fails To Make Appearance For 59th Year Running

Bowl fans nationwide were confused and frightened to discover that once again no bowl was featured during the Super Bowl.

“I’m disgusted. I vomited into this bowl I always carry with me,” commented bowl aficionado, Brandon Bropslod. “We expected to see a bowl that had superpowers of some kind and instead we were given a game of football? What?”

Fans were initially hopeful that one of the players would bring a bowl onto the field however this did not occur. Next, when the halftime show began there were rumors that Kendrick Lamar might emerge wearing a bowl haircut however this was not the case. During the ad breaks, bowl fans were on the edge of their seats in anticipation of a breakfast cereal ad but, alas, no luck.

Experts are baffled by this phenomenon. Some believe that the bowls have been abducted by aliens, while others suspect that they are hiding in a secret location, waiting for the perfect moment to reveal themselves.

The NFL has released a statement expressing their concern and disappointment. “We are doing everything in our power to locate the missing bowls,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “We understand how important this tradition is to our fans, and we are committed to finding a resolution.”

In the meantime, fans are left to wonder what has happened to their beloved bowls. Some have taken to social media to express their frustration and disappointment.

“#WhereAreTheBowls” has been trending on Twitter for several days. One user wrote, “I can’t believe this is happening. I’ve been looking forward to the Super Bowl all year.”

Another user added, “This is a travesty. The bowls are a part of our national heritage.”

The search for the missing bowls continues, and fans are hopeful that they will be reunited with their beloved tradition soon. However, with each passing day, the mystery deepens, and the question remains: where are the bowls? WHERE ARE THE BOWLS???

Latest news

Ima Short• February 11, 2025D

Any Sort Of Bowl, Super Or Otherwise, Fails To Make Appearance For 59th Year Running

Bowl fans nationwide were confused and frightened to discover that once again no bowl was ...
Culture
Ima Short• D

Any Sort Of Bowl, Super Or Otherwise, Fails To Make Appearance For 59th Year Running

Bowl fans nationwide were confused and frightened to discover that once again no bowl was ...
Culture

Soda Cans To Become 25% Smaller Following Trump Tariff

President-Of-The-Hour Donald Jeffery Trump has announced a 25% import tariff on any steel and aluminum entering the United States forcing beverage companies to reduce their soda can size by at least 25%.

A spokesperson from CoCo Kola (no relation) commented that, “We wholeheartedly agree with the president’s decision to tax aluminium. As so called shrinkflation hits families down and up America we see this as a great opportunity to make a quick profit. Now, everyone’s favortie delicious Kola will come in a ‘fun-sized’ variety at the same price.”

Doctors agree that this is better for everyone. “I myself don’t drink CoCo Kola,” said Dr. U, head of the physical studies department of humans at the University of Guam. “But if I did I would probably be obese. No, this way people won’t drink as much CoCo Kola, which can only be good for everyone. Particularly me. Because I’m spiteful.”

Speaking from Air Force One, Mr. Trump explained the change, “AMERICA HAS BEEN LAST FOR TOO LONG!!” he said, somehow speaking in all-caps. “NOW SODA CANS WILL BE SMALLER SO YOUR HANDS LOOK BIGGER! A WIN WIN FOR EVERYONE OUT THERE WITH HANDS!”

Trump-a-licious

Likely hit hardest by this change are Canada, Brazil and Mexico who make up the majority of America’s aluminium trading numbers. Mexico says if it cannot trade aluminium then it will be forced to trade drugs instead.

Little does Trump know that Air Force One and other planes are also made of metals that will be hit by the tariff. A significantly reduced size for the Presidential Plane will likely cause issues for the President who has stated in the past that he likes planes to be “big”.

“We’re going to make America great again, one tiny soda can at a time,” Trump said at a rally in Ohio. “And let me tell you, these new cans are going to be tremendous. They’re going to be so small, you’ll be able to fit them in your pocket. And they’re going to be so affordable, you’ll be able to buy a six-pack for the same price as a single can before.”

Consumers, however, are not as enthusiastic about the new tariffs. Many have taken to social media to express their outrage, with some even calling for a boycott of soda.

“This is ridiculous,” said one Twitter.com user. “I’m not going to pay the same price for half the soda. I’m going to switch to water, which I hate.”