Ima Short | Wall Street Memes

El Presidente Donald Trump has announced his plan to reopen San Francisco’s island prison of Alcatraz, but this time with just two inmates, disgraced crypto bro Sam Bankman-Fried and disgraced creepy bro, P. Diddy.

Reportedly, Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs, Sam ‘Bankman’-Fried were sharing a jail cell in New York and hit it off. So well, in fact, that Trump now says, “It would be inhumane to separate them, you know, like guinea pigs.”

“I’m going to reopen the Rock and it’s going to be for the world’s toughest criminals, and I mean really mean guys. I’ve got two to start with. Diddy. SBF. We’ll put Epstein in there if we ever catch him. It’ll be like Arkham Asylum. But real. And more secure.”

Trump plans to reopen Alcatraz — Epstein Island 2.0?

Completely remodelling the former prison for just two inmates would seem cost-ineffective, but Trump has assured voters that it’s not.

“It’s just an idea I have and i guess because of these judges they want trials for every single one of these illegal immigrants in our country, it’s ridiculous, but Alcatraz has long been a symbol, I don’t know why, but it’s long been a symbol of law and order in our country and we’re going to think about that.”

Trump, “Sam Bankman-Not-Quite-So-Freed”

When Alcatraz closed in 1963 it was three times more expensive to run than any other prison. But that’s before they got dat Diddy money! *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* BrrrrrAPP-BRAP!! Yeah, they can afford it now fo sho. Fo sho!

Sure, they’d have to knock it down and start over but phhhffff, that’s worth the price to keep us all safe? Us all safe from Diddy (and SBF)? Heck, I’d pay the moon not to have him sneak into my room at night. Heck, I say ROCK HIM UP!

For more on this story, you can read this one too: SBF is Trading Mackerel in Prison

Palantir Technologies Inc. (PLTR) has felt a massive stock slide of 12% after investors took a look at the company’s valuation and realized that they have no idea what the company does or what a ‘palantir’ even is.

Is it like a knight? Oh, no, that’s ‘paladin’.

The company, which makes… which invests in… which does something involving AI, probably, posted a 5% decline in the first quarter of last year, well below analysts’ expectations for a company that does something.

Maybe it’s a bit of armor? …nope, that’s ‘pauldron’ damn.

Europe. That’s a place. They had a share decline for the company. 16% to 10% this quarter compared to last year’s same quarter. So that’s interesting. Are you guys genuinely interested in this? Like, this entertains you? Ok, alright, then.

In a post-earnings conference call, Palantir CEO Alex Karp explained that “Europe doesn’t get AI yet.”

Ah ha! I knew they did an AI! Nice, nice, nice.

Oh, wait, isn’t a palantír that orb in Lord of the Rings that the White Wizard Saruman keeps secretly at the top of Orthanc tower in Isengard to commune with the Dark Lord Sauron?

Wait, let me Google it…

Yes! I’m right, the palantíri were forged by Fëanor, one of the Noldor elves of Valinor in the Uttermost West during the First Age to communicate across Arda. At least eight were made; however, by the time of the War of the Ring, only three are known to still exist, one with Saruman, another with Denethor in Gondor, and another with Sauron in Mordor, casting the reliability of the stones’ premonitions into doubt.

…What was I talking about?

Oh yeah, OK, so that’s it then, Palantir Technologies Inc. makes evil orbs.

Geez. No wonder their stock is slipping.

For more business news, read this one: Makers Of ‘Charts With Big Arrows Squiggling Up’ Report Record Profits

In a revealing Truth Social post, current President Donald J. Trump has admitted that he is in fact a deep state puppet for former President Joe Biden and has been all along.

Trump wrote, “This is Biden’s Stock Market, not Trump’s,” seemingly admitting that Biden is still somehow in charge of the economy.

However, Trump has said he plans to fight back, “We have to get rid of the Biden “Overhang.” This will take a while.”

Expert conspiracy theorists suggest that this term, ‘overhang’, is likely a codeword for the continued control J’Biden has over Trump.

“He left us with bad numbers,” Trump continues, “But when the boom begins, it will be like no other. BE PATIENT!!!”

Now, it’s unclear what this ‘boom’ refers to. Idiots think that the ‘boom’ might refer to the economy, however, they are idiots. Real ones know that ‘boom’ implies an explosion of some kind, meaning that Trump plans to fight back with force and destroy the deep state once and for all. Huzzah!

But it might take a while for Trump to fully have control of anything so BE PATIENT!!! And remember, none of this is his fault, unless it’s good, in which case it’s all him baby.

In spite of Trump’s admission, SOME people (again, idiots) are claiming that he contradicted himself in a previous Truth Social post in which he said the exact opposite thing: “THIS IS THE TRUMP STOCK MARKET”.

Anyone with half a brain would understand that clearly this was written when Trump was under the influence of the Biden Overhang. Trump has only just wrestled off the tendril-like clutches of the big JB. OF COURSE HE HAD TO SAY THAT! He can’t just admit he’s a deep state puppet like that can he? Until now. Now he can.

Anyway, today’s a big day to find out that Trump is finally free (yay!) and now we’ll start to see some real gains. Great America, here we come!

For more garbage, (this one’s from way back when) click here: Trump Announces The Purge

After Donald Trump criticised Amazon for planning to list the extra tariff cost on their products, the company has rolled back the feature and even offered Trump a rare deal: one month of complimentary Amazon Prime.

The offer, valued at $14.99, includes free two-day shipping, Prime Video, an optional Audible trial, and unlimited passive scrolling through products the President will likely never purchase.

The deal was in the form of a gold-embossed letter titled “Let’s Move Forward, Together – With Prime™.” Sources say Trump initially believed it was a subpoena and tried to burn the document.

Amazon says they hope the gesture will “get that pesky Trump off our backs.”

“We believe even the most divisive national figures deserve 30 days of free streaming and expedited delivery,” said Amazon spokesperson Janus Panus between sips of union tears.

Amazon Trump Bezos Tariffs meme — yeah, I stole this meme, so what? oh wait, that’s us

Trump Responds: “I Invented Amazon Prime, Frankly”

In a Truth Social post that spanned four paragraphs, three conspiracy theories, and one insightful review of Reacher, Trump wrote:

“Very honored that Jeffrey Amazon is finally acknowledging what everyone knows: I invented Prime. The drink too. Many people don’t know this, but I was the first to say, ‘What if packages came faster?’”

He concluded the post by tagging @PrimeSupport and asking if they could send “a new golf hat to Mar-a-Lago.”

Tensions Thaw as Trump Orders 600 Gallons of Orange Self-Tanner

Since activating the membership, Trump has reportedly placed over 120 orders, including:

A Diet Coke drip
A “presidential” karaoke machine preloaded with Kid Rock
One thousand “MyPillow” knockoffs filled with shredded classified documents
A 12-foot-tall lawn ornament shaped like himself riding an eagle made of bacon

Regarding his Prime experience, Trump replied, “It’s tremendous. The shipping is fast like Melania leaving a charity event.”

He reportedly left a 5-star review on the site saying: “Best bribe ever. Would destabilize democracy again.” then left a negative review for The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, calling the show, “fake news.”

Bezos Reacts With Visible Emotions

Jeffrey Bezos has declined to comment and merely smiled menacingly from low Earth orbit. Sources close to the Amazon founder say he remains skeptical of Trump’s loyalty to the brand as a result of previously discovering the former president referred to Prime Day as “a Chinese hoax.”

“If this keeps him from starting ‘Trumpazon,’ I’ll give him two free months,” JB reportedly quipped.

Amazon has hinted at a possible “Unity Bundle” for other controversial figures, including:

Complimentary Alexa for Rudy Giuliani (pre-programmed to call 911 at random)
Audible Plus trial for Elon Musk titled “How to Stop Talking”
And a special, “Maybe Chill Out A Lil” package for Vladimir Putin.

Richest man in the world and part-time most powerful man in the world, Elon Reeve Musk (‘erm’ for short) has announced that he will be significantly cutting back from his work at DOGE in order to focus on his kids, no, wait, sorry I meant Tesla.

Erm has 14 children, but they’ve all got their own thing going on. However, Tesla stock has taken a massive hit this year and needs some more of that invaluable Musky attention.

But CEO Elon Musk assures stockholders that this is all part of the plan. Tesla stock is actually programmed to self-drive in this direction.

When asked to clarify by a confused everyone, Musk took to X to explain that, “We have a feature with the Tesla autopilot where, when there’s an emergency, the stock will just drive headfirst into a pit, making a really cool explosion. It’s all part of DOGE’s cost-cutting measures, after all, a bankrupt company has to downsize, saving everyone money.”

Elon reportedly set the company to self-drive mode while he was away. Now that it’s driven off a canyon, however, Musk will return to take the wheel and spend just one to two days a week on DOGE.

So Long Elon

DOGE, or if you want to be more efficient you can call it “the (not technically a department) Department of Government Efficiency (like the dog meme)”, is just one of the many government organizations you can’t believe are real alongside Space Force, the Board of Tea Appeals, and the CIA.

Even though another layoff would make DOGE more efficient, it seems unlikely that Musk will step down completely from DOGE because he paid a lot of money to get there.

As Trump’s first presidency already demonstrated, a government is just like a company in every single way, and a person who can kind of run multiple companies at once can handle little government on the side. Elon runs a lean ship: at Tesla, he replaced all the drivers with AI, at Twitter, he replaced all the users with bots, and all the letters in the name with just one. Much more efficient.

And Musky Man has now made similar changes to government, replacing all government officials with Grok and ‘The Federal Government of the United States of America’? Ugh, what a mouthful, how about just a nice, lean 𝕏.

Commenting on Musk in a 2022 Truth Social post, Trump said, “When Elon Musk came to the White House asking me for help on all of his many subsidized projects, whether it’s electric cars that don’t drive long enough, driverless cars that crash, or rocketships to nowhere, without which subsidies he’d be worthless and tell me how he was a big Trump fan and Republican, I could have said, “drop to your knees and beg,” and he would have done it.”

Nicola Tesla Said To Be ‘Rolling In Grave’

As for Tesla, reportedly, they have delivered just 336,681 cars this quarter, compared to 386,810 last year. Now, I’m no mathematician, but those look like the exact same numbers to me.

This development follows a difficult year for TSLA. Even though President Trump has pledged to replace the presidential motorcade with Cybertrucks, the car company took a bigger hit from the new auto tariffs. In response, Musk introduced new three-wheeled Teslas to work around Trump’s 25% tariff (you can’t tax a quarter if you’re missing a quarter!).

Teslas have also been hit by vandals over the past few weeks, and a suicide fire-worker in January. Similarly, Musk’s ‘Cyberlegs’ project failed to materialize. Man, sucks to be the richest man alive, huh.

But all of this is a footnote to Tesla’s real problem: China.

China is pulling ahead as the largest EV market in the world, making them cheaper, hotter and more Chinese than anything Tesla could possibly make. Now, I might not be Chinese, but I sure can recognize when I see a premium vehicle and a quality product. That’s the kind of feeling you get from a Chinese EV.

Elon's competition — Chinese EVs: ‘Better than you expected!’

Wall Street Memes is proudly sponsored by: ‘China’. Enter the code SELLOUT at the checkout for 2% off your next purchase.

Snack company, Frito-Lay has claimed it’s going to lose $5.5 billion dollars (USD) after Washington has placed new restrictions on the export of H20 chips, which I guess is just plain salted flavor?

Ok, I’m reading it now… the H20 chip is an ‘artificial chip’? So I guess it was grown in a lab? Yeah, still not clear what flavor it is, but I guess base level it’s salted, right? Apparently, the Chinese couldn’t handle the more powerful H100 chip, so I guess that one was super spicy.

It was this H20 chip that developers of DeepSeek snacked on whilst building their breakthrough AI model so who knows what they’re going to eat now. Pringles? Ew.

But how can this be profitable for Frito-Lay? I hear you ask. Well, that’s just the point, it can’t. This sucks. This fucking sucks. Frito-Lay is the greatest snack company I can name. They got Doritos, they got Lays, they got them cheesy Cheetos. And to see them take a 14-point stock dive on this? My god. I vomited into my underwear. If America can’t look after the bastions of its snack industry, then is nothing sacred anymore?

“THIS IS DISGUSTING!” claimed Chinese snack connoisseur Steven Steven. “CHIPS ARE A HUMAN RIGHT!”

Look, Steven’s right, chips are a human right and China eats a lot of chips and if you’re going to let Frito-Lay die? I’m going to come for you.

The snack-pocolyse is the latest tremor in Trump’s trade tariff trauma. He’s cut down on cars, steel and greebling. Put on your hats kids, because it’s only got to get more shaky from here.

Oh, and Nvidia’s also hit too, or something, I guess.

Anyway, I’m hungry now.

Electric car manufacturer Tesla has taken its largest stock hit in its history as sales plunged 13% this quarter. But CEO Elon Musk assures stockholders that this is all part of the plan and Tesla stock is actually programmed to self-drive in this direction.

“It’s all part of DOGE’s cost-cutting measures, after all, a bankrupt company has to downsize, saving everyone money.”

After this did little to clarify his decision, Musk clarified, “I don’t know, I just thought it would make a cool explosion.”

Reportedly, Tesla Inc. delivered 336,681 cars this quarter, compared to 386,810 last year. Now, I’m no mathematician, but those look like the exact same numbers to me.

Teslas have also been hit by vandals over the past few weeks, and a suicide fire-worker in January. Similarly, Musk’s ‘Cyberlegs’ project failed to materialize.

A more personal headache for Musk is his failed attempt to bribe Wisconsin voters. Although he did give away millions of his own money, the vote swung towards electing a liberal judge. Man, sucks to be the richest man alive, huh.

But all of this is a footnote to Tesla’s real problem: China.

(This article is sponsored by: ‘China’. “China: better than you expected!”)

The restaurant chain known only as ‘Hooters’, famous for its chicken wings and nothing else, has declared: BANKRUPTCY!

But don’t worry! They’re not getting rid of your favorite orange thing, this is merely a scaling back, a reduction if you will. Hooters plans to sell off all 100 restaurants to two separate franchisee groups based in Florida and Chicago. So really this is just a change in management and idk why this is even news.

“We believe that by shifting from a D-grade company to a C or B, we may lighten the load on our workers and our shareholders,” explained Neville Carson, who, I guess, works there. “Hopefully, the Hooters brand will now be able to fit through doors and not have quite as much back pain.”

Confusingly, the sale of Hooters is from Hooters of America Inc. to Hooters Inc., which is a completely different Hooters. Hooters Inc. (not Hooters of America Inc.) is owned by the original Hooters founders. Hooters of America Inc., however, is owned by private equity firms Nord Bay Capital and TriArtisan Capital Advisors, who are distinctly un-Hooters.

What A Hoot!

Hooters was originally founded on April 1st, 42 years ago as an April Fool’s Day joke, so it’s pretty apt this bankruptcy filing comes around now. I guess Hooters was a big joke all along.

Whilst many believe that Hooters is named after the big ol’ chonky honkers that were required dress code at the restaurants, this is in fact a myth. Hooters owes its name to a wise old owl called ‘Millicent’ who lived at the Cincinnati Zoo from 1867 to 1873. Millicent was a friend to all, but was particularly affectionate to small children and widowers.

Hooters Owl — A painting of ‘Millicent’ before she died

Millicent became known throughout America as a mascot for the zoo and would occasionally tour as part of the regional world fairs. Here, visitors from far and wide would marvel at Millicent’s particular affection for small children and widowers.

Although owls are evolved to eat live animals such as rodents and small children, Milicent was fed a strict diet of spicy-spicy chicken wings (which was all the rage at the time). And so when Milicent died at the tender age of 6 (which is 6 in owl years), her diet of spicy-spicy chicken wings was not presumed to be the culprit (since it was all the rage at the time).

Modern owlologists now know that it probably was her subsistence on spicy-spicy chicken wings that caused Milicent’s death.

The restaurant chain Hooters was thus founded in Milicent’s honor so that all might remember that spicy-spicy chicken wings are meant for humans and not owls.

Also people like boobs.

Tesla CEO, Elon Musk, has announced a new line of three-wheeled vehicles in an effort to outmaneuver Trump’s new 25% auto tariff.

Trump’s tariff is an import tax of 25% on all cars and car parts. However, since the tariff only affects 25%, one quarter of the vehicle, any vehicle with just three wheels is effectively exempt.

Jumping on (through?) this loophole, Elon Musk has unveiled a range of Tesla cars with just three wheels. The new model dubbed, ‘Tess-less’, is identical to a regular Tesla with only the small difference that it’s missing a wheel.

Concerned drivers have asked whether this would make the car unstable but Musk has assured these potential buyers that if they just lean a bit away from the missing wheel, it should be fine.

Musk has also demanded a full recall of all Teslas and Cybertrucks promising to remove just one wheel and then return the cars to their owners.

The moves have baffled automobile, finance and business experts alike with many commenting, “He really doesn’t have to do that.”

“I’m not sure what he’s thinking,” commented expert of business and monies, Aubroronis Macasalaticoursitay. “Obviously the tariff is a percentage of 25% percent [out of 100] charge on top of the original cost, not a tax on just a quarter of the vehicle. The math isn’t mathing.”

But Elon has defended the move in a post on X that quote-posted a racist meme, “I fired my math guy because he cost too much and I can do it better. Tesla will be tariff exempt and faster with just three wheels.” These words were then followed by a stream of irrelevant emojis.

Only time will tell whether the Tessless will be the future of motor vehicle travel technology or if it will be the death of us all but either way, one thing is for certain, err, I guess. Not sure what that thing is but boy am I certain of it.

To read more about Trump’s Tariffs click here: Well, That’s Just Tariff-ic! Trump’s Trade War Ruins My Chances Of Becoming A Millionaire

OpenAI just added advanced image generation to ChatGPT 4.0, making it finally powerful enough to generate the highest expression of visual art: Studio Ghibli-style pictures of JD Vance.

But not everyone’s happy about this gift from God. In response, Donald Trump has issued an executive order outlawing any AI-generated memes of an anime JD Vance. Like this one, for example:

JD Vance Ghibli Style — (…Oh, shit, delete, DELETE!)

Posting on Truth Social, Trump explained:

“I hereby FORBID the use of ChatGPT to make JD VANCE AN ASIAN MAN. JD VANCE IS NOT AN ASIAN MAN!!!! The so-called failing ‘Studio Ghibli’ (which has not made a good movie since Porco Rosso) is trying to take away our national identity and greatest Vice President in history just because he has the face of a little baby child. NO MORE WHITE ERASURE!”

Anyone caught posting a Ghibli-fied Vance could face up to six months in jail, a fine of $14,000, and a restraining order against the Vice President.

Ad-Vance-d AI

In related news, Studio Ghibli has clapped back against the trend, threatening to sue OpenAI for plagiarism, which is unfair because everyone knows that plagiarism isn’t plagiarism when it’s AI. Any lawyer will tell you so.

In response to the potential suit, OpenAI responded with a hostile takeover bid against the Japanese animation house.

The purchase is likely to go through as OpenAI just finished its latest funding round, which gathered over $4 billion, and now the company doesn’t know what to do with all that money.

OpenAI has already laid out the future for Studio Ghibli, with plans to rebrand as ‘Studio GPT’ and release entirely AI-generated movies in an MCU-style interconnected universe beginning with a theatrical version of Vance’s adventures in ‘My Neighbor JD’.

Ghibli director Hayao Miyazaki responded positively to the takeover, saying of AI, “I am utterly disgusted… I strongly feel that this is an insult to life itself.” So, double thumbs up there.

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