Ima Short | Wall Street Memes

In a story that was ALREADY COMPLICATED ENOUGH THANK YOU, Trump’s tariffs, which seem to go back and forth between existing and not existing just got another bump towards the void of unreality with a US appeals court ruling that the tariffs are illegal. WHat?

Idk, I really don’t know, like what’s the point, really? Was all this a waste of time? I’ve written dozens, DOZENS of these articles now and learnt nothing from the whole process. So was it all a complete waste of time? Yes.

See, I’ll do this article be like ohhh here we go the tariffs are going and then tomorrow they’ll be back up again. Like, why?

Couldn’t we have just left things as it was? I really liked the world before I even knew what a tariff was. Yeah. That world was great. Although, tbh, I still don’t know. Now sure you do either though.

I used to be someone. People used to know my name. Now I’m here telling you that a dumb thing that was dumb that maybe never happened is about to get undone. What is this Y2K?

God, I’m probably going to have to write about this lawsuit again very shortly, aren’t I? Oh jesus christ.

You ever go down to the well and haul up a bucket full of clear crisp water and take a big swig but then you get ill and die a week later? All because you didn’t realise a goat had fallen down there and died? And you’d accidentally drunk the rotten corpse? Yeah, that’s what these tariffs feel like right now. Lord help us.

In other news, Trump isn’t dead! So that’s fun. Seems like this guy can survive anything so who knows, maybe these tariffs will pull through after all.

Any way, now you’re all well informed, watch this space. Report back tomorrow and I’ll let you know what’s changed (spoiler alert: not much).

Beans team, away!

Read on:

Despite rampant rumors on TikTok, X, and French news outlet, ‘La News’, President Donald Trump is not in fact dead after all. Shit, I just lost a bet. The story began when people realised that they hadn’t seen Trump for about a week and when he was last seen it was with a mangled hand for some reason.

Think about it, when did you last see Trump? Think really hard. I’m not just talking about on the news, I’m talking in person, live in the orange flesh, when did you see this guy? You’ve never seen him with you’re own two eyes, have you? You’ve seen pictures. You’ve seen videos but how do you know he’s even real? How do you know he’s ever been real?

Anyways, turns out he was just playing golf.

Trump tweeted from his X-knock-off Truth Social that he’s alive and well, baby. “I’ve never felt better in my life,” he lied.

Vice President JD Vance was spotted shortly after Brump’s reawakening shaking his fists and muttering “drat” to himself.

Vance had previously said to USA Today that he’d “gotten a lot of good on-the-job training over the last 200 days” and was ready to inherit the role of president.

It really feels like we go through this cycle with every president, every major figure. We don’t hear from them in a little while and everyone assumes they’re dead. Yes, that happened to be true of my cat, Barnston, who had fallen into a storm drain and we only found like a week later all mangled up on the beach, but that doesn’t mean it’s true of everyone.

So Trump’s not dead, in fact, he’s back to work on the Lisa Cook anti-hype train who retaliated with a lawsuit that Crump is just ITCHING to settle. For more on that story, click here you chump: Trump Fires Fed Governor, Powell Unlikely To Reach Apprentice Season Finale

Ok, I admit that’s a slightly misleading headline to get you to click on this article, shoot me. You see, Anthropic, makers of the AI ‘Claude’, have reached a preliminary settlement BUT they don’t have to cough up a trillion smackerloonies, that would be crazy. No, that’s just what some calculate to be the worst-case scenario.

How they calculated it idk, I guess just added up every Claude prompt at 10% royalties? Yeah, not sure that’s how that works. Either way, even if the numbers a lot lower, it could potentially cripple the AI company.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to explain what the suit was about. So it’s basically a bunch of authors, like of books and things, have got together to say that Claude being trained on their work then selling it as a product is copyright infringement and ngl yeah, I think it might be.

Either way this sets a crazy precedent for the rest of the AI industry (AII if you will). Can just anyone sue if their work gets used?

Will the New York Times suit against OpenAI and Disney’s suit against Midjourney pull through after all?

Only time (and a judge) will tell.

In the meantime pretty much half this site’s content is AI generated so I guess we’re going down too. What I’m going to do to avoid having to pay any pos author is rewrite everything AI has ever written on this site. I’m going to go through with a fine tooth comb and a thesaurus and swap out every single word for a synonym. And I’m going to start with this next paragraph:

A synonym a synonym a synonym a synonym a synonym a synonym. A synonym a synonym a synonym. a synonym, a synonym a synonym, a synonym a synonym. A synonym a synonym, “A synonym, a synonym a synonym a synonym; a synonym?”

You know what, this is going to take forever… imma just get an AI to do it.

What you gonna do, SUE ME?!

(thisarticlewaswrittenwiththeassistanceofanAI)

For more unreadably AI news, read this one: OpenAI To Sell Shares For $500 Billion Valuation According To ChatGPT

During a recent earnings call, Nvidia CFO Colette Kress said that the U.S. Government “has not published a regulation codifying such requirement.” The ‘such requirement’ being the 15% cut of H20 (water) chip sales to China China, meaning that those sales just ain’t happening, buster.

Nvidia then went on to say that “any request for a percentage of the revenue by the USG may subject us to litigation, increase our costs, and harm our competitive position and benefit competitors that are not subject to such arrangements.” Wait, what? I thought they already agreed to it?

It’s a real shame, because otherwise Nvidia’s had a really good run lately. They beat out all of Wall Street’s estimates for the quarter. $46.7 billion revenue. 56% year on year jump. $26.4 billion profit. That’s a 59% jump in quarterly profits. Themes is some sweet sweet number.

But with no sales to China China China China the company is now seeing a 3%, no wait, 4% now, slump. Well, it’s just swings and roundabouts isn’t it.

Look, Trump’s got better things to do than push through this whole 15% kickback thing. He’s got a Nobel Prize to win, Epsteins to distance himself from, logo rebrands to critique and China to China China China China China China. Yes, Nvidia is the backbone of America’s chip industry (not like those losers over at Intel) and yes, this was the government’s idea in the first place but hey, whadayagonnado?

Tech innovation, meet government bureaucracy.

China.

Oh wait, there is one more thing. Trump did float that maaaaaybe he’d be open to Nvidia selling a version of their Blackwell processor to China (China). I guess just completely forgetting the H20 deal. On the earnings call, Nvidia did say this was a real possibility.

So what’s going to happen next? I don’t know. Why you looking at me? I’m not a fortune teller. Jesus. Why don’t you go read some actual news for once.

Or if you really hate yourself, you can keep reading this site here: ChatGPT Grows $100 Portfolio 23%, Outperforming S&P 500

After learning nothing from Jaguar’s disastrous rebrand last year, Cracker Barrel recently unveiled a redesigned logo that everyone hated. The sleeker, more minimalist design removed the image of the cracker and the barrel, because honestly, with the text too, it was just a hat on a hat.

But now, after massive backlash and a 7% share drop, the crackers over at the barrel have caved to the pressure and reverted back to the old logo, in what might be the most expensive branding U-turn since HBO rebranded as HBO GO, then HBO NOW, then HBO max, then just ‘max’, then back to HBO max, before finally combining them all into HBO GO NOW MAX!

Take that, communists.

Related: Jaguar Opts For No Logo At All After Rebrand Backlash

The change was somehow dragged into America’s ongoing culture war and dubbed a ‘woke’ rebrand. Because remember, ‘woke’ is a catch-all word that simply means anything that you don’t like. Please, use it liberally. (Unless you’re an actual liberal, in which case don’t you fucking dare.)

Honestly, the old one always creeped me out. Why are you staring at me? What do you know? WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

Even President Trump (whose favorite pastime is ‘getting in on the nonsense’) got in on the nonsense, saying, “Congratulations ‘Cracker Barrel’ on changing your logo back to what it was. All of your fans very much appreciate it”. Like, wtf, ‘fans’? Who cares?

I get it, it was a bad redesign, going the way of so many modern logos: flat, simple and just a bit more boring, all in an effort to look better on an iPhone screen. But the backlash has been a bit much, guys, let’s rein it in. Why is the President weighing in? Shouldn’t he be busy having sex with children or whatever it is presidents do?

Cracker Barrel’s Muffled Response From Inside A Barrel

Anyway, here’s the company’s full statement: “We thank our guests for sharing your voices and love for Cracker Barrel. We said we would listen, and we have. Our new logo is going away and our ‘Old Timer’ will remain. At Cracker Barrel, it’s always been – and always will be – about serving up delicious food, warm welcomes, and the kind of country hospitality that feels like family. As a proud American institution, our 70,000 hardworking employees look forward to welcoming you to our table soon.”

Thanks ChatGPT for that one…

By the way, don’t you just love how the committee-ised marketing speak statements always spin everything into a positive, desperately avoid admitting any mistake and somehow manage to ram in an advert in there?

It’s never, “Yeah, we fucked up, lol.” It’s always, “Here at Baby-Organ Harvesting Corp, we’re proud of our dozens of customers who are always keen to speak up. Well, we hear you! As of today, we’ll be reinstating our mascot Baby Bucher Billy on all branding material at all 400 of our worldwide, award-winning, currently open stores.” Like, just shut up, please.

Maybe we all got played, maybe this was all a big marketing stunt to make headlines and HBO knew exactly what they were doing this whole time…

For more on this topic, click here: Trump Awards Sydney Sweeney Presidential Medal of Freedom for “Saving The Economy”

Viking investors (like angel investors but with horns) were disappointed by the drug company’s latest trial data, leading to a massive 43% stock price dip. But hey, at least someone’s losing weight.

Viking Therapeutics’ new weight loss pill was about as effective as other pills on the market. Great! But the side effects and discontinuation rates were way worse. Not so great!

Share price fell from $42.09 to $23.80, which would be a success on the scales in any other situation. Diet pills are big money now, what with the hype around Ozempic, and Viking was seen as a frontrunner, but I guess the crown for World’s Biggest Loser will have to go to someone else. Maybe Eli Lilly or Novo Nordisk who have obesity drugs that’ll hit shelves years before Viking’s catchily named VK2735.

Oh, and Pfizer. They’re also in the race. Remember them? Yeah, not just your favorite microchip injector.

Jared Holz, Mizuho health care equity strategist, said in an email Tuesday that the data “probably shutters hope for [Viking] to be a bigtime player in the oral obesity market over the near to medium term.” Bet he’s fun at parties.

In related news, the FDA recently altered previous nutritional advice to add an additional food group just for diet pills. The government now recommends that people take ozempic as part of their five a day.

For more real fake news, click this link: Elon Branches Out In Fast Food, Tesla Stock Tumbles

In a big red flag to crypto fans worldwide, investment firm, BlackRock just dumped 490 $BTC worth about $68.7 million dollars USD, while looking shiftily over their shoulder. We’re screwed.

After years of championing the “digital gold” narrative, Wall Street’s biggest kid on the playground, BlackRock, has suddenly started acting like it knows a secret about Bitcoin, and no, it’s not just that your neighbor’s cousin is about to shill another NFT project.

Despite launching a Bitcoin ETF with the kind of fanfare usually reserved for Marvel movies and presidential indictments, BlackRock analysts were spotted whispering in hushed tones, trading USB sticks like contraband, and nervously glancing at the “₿” key on their Bloomberg terminals. Sources inside the firm suggest they may have stumbled upon something terrifying: that Bitcoin might actually… go down sometimes.

“We thought it only went up,” said one junior analyst, staring at a candlestick chart like it was an abstract art piece. “Now it’s red. Does that mean it’s bleeding?”

Rumors are swirling that BlackRock has access to classified “Satoshi files,” an encrypted set of documents allegedly proving that Bitcoin was invented not by a mysterious cryptographer, but by a guy who just really hated banks and was bad at explaining things at parties.

Meanwhile, retail investors are left speculating on Reddit and TikTok about what BlackRock “knows.” Popular theories include:

Bitcoin secretly runs on the same server as Club Penguin.
Larry Fink accidentally pressed “sell all” on his Robinhood account.
Satoshi Nakamoto is alive and currently working at a Waffle House in Nevada.

Despite the panic, BlackRock has reassured clients. “We are committed to the long-term value of Bitcoin,” the firm said in a statement, “unless it goes down, in which case we never liked it anyway.”

Crypto Twitter remains unconvinced. One influencer with laser eyes photoshopped onto his dog declared: “This is just FUD. BlackRock doesn’t know anything. Also, buy my course on how to become a millionaire in 3 days by trading Pepe tokens.”

For now, all eyes remain on BlackRock’s next move. If they start quietly buying gold, shorting Coinbase, or ordering suspicious amounts of Ledger wallets on Amazon Prime, it might be time to panic. Until then, Bitcoin hodlers are doing what they do best: refreshing charts at 3 a.m. and insisting “it’s just a dip.”

For more ‘news’ click here: Bitcoin Hits Another ATH Again Again

Google Accidentally Declares War on Non-Custodial Wallets, Then Says “Oops”

In what experts are calling “the biggest digital whoopsie since someone hit reply-all in 2009,” Google accidentally outlawed non-custodial crypto wallets on the Play Store then swore they didn’t mean it.

The Great Wallet Panic of 2025

It all began on July 10, when Google quietly updated its Play Store policies. Unfortunately, that “quiet” was short-lived once people read the fine print. The update implied that any crypto wallet, custodial or not, would need to be licensed like a bank in 15 countries, including the U.S., the UK, and Canada.

This was the bureaucratic equivalent of telling every lemonade stand in America to get FDA approval, a liquor license, and an MBA.

Crypto Community Reacts

Within hours, crypto lawyers, privacy advocates, and armchair Twitter economists were describing the policy as everything from “regulation by monopoly” to “a quiet coup on crypto.” One particularly dramatic post simply read: “Google = The Final Boss.”

Some users began frantically moving their coins to hardware wallets, while others downloaded Farm Goat Simulator 2023 just to see if it would still work before the entire Play Store collapsed into chaos.

Google’s Official Response: “Our Bad”

By Wednesday, the backlash had reached DEFCON-Meme. Google finally responded on X with the corporate equivalent of an embarrassed shrug:

“Thanks for flagging this. Non-custodial wallets are not in scope. We’ll update the Help Center to make this clear.”

Translated from PR-speak: “We were never banning them. We just wrote it in a way that made it look like we were banning them. Which is… technically… our fault.”

Why It Mattered

For the uninitiated, custodial wallets are like keeping your money in a bank, except the “bank” is a crypto exchange that might collapse at any moment. Non-custodial wallets, on the other hand, let you hold your own keys, meaning if you lose them, that’s entirely your problem.

FinCEN doesn’t consider non-custodial wallets to be banks or money services businesses, which is why Google’s “all wallets must be licensed” policy made exactly zero legal sense.

Crisis Averted (For Now)

After a flurry of headlines, frantic tweets, and at least one think-piece titled “Google’s Policy is Proof the Cypherpunk Dream is Dead,” Google promised to fix the wording and restore peace to the crypto galaxy.

At press time, non-custodial wallet developers were cautiously celebrating, though many admitted they’ll be reading Google’s next policy update with the same paranoia normally reserved for haunted houses and NFT roadmaps.

For more Google news, click here: Google Simultaneously Unveils And Doesn’t Unveil Quantum Chip

In a move that might just destroy the entire global economy, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent has demanded that the Fed cut the inflation rate by one billion base points.

In an interview with Bloomberg today, Bessent said, “I think we could go into a series of rate cuts here, starting with a 50 basis point cut in September. If you look at any model, we should probably be 150, 175 basis points lower.” Bessent continued to say off camera in a low whisper just to me, “Actually, I think it should be more like one TRILLION!”

Inflation rates stayed steady at 2.7% in July, but Trump, Bessent, and the rest of the White House want that to be at least 1.5% to 1quadrillion% lower than that.

Following data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, Bessent said they could have cut rates in June and July but didn’t. Jay Powell looking extra sweaty rn.

In the same interview, Bessent said that Trump’s unprecedented tax, sorry, ‘bribe’, sorry ‘revenue-share’ of 15% of Nvidia and AMD Chinese chip exports could be expended to other sectors. “I think we could see it in other industries over time. I think right now this is unique, but now that we have the model and the beta test, why not expand it?” …because you’ve not tested it yet, Scott.

Anyway, that’s about all there is on this news story today, but I’ve still got a word count to hit so let’s see what’s trending on X… #TrumpEpsteinFiles, #TrumpisontheEpsteinList, #Trumpstein, oh, ok, so nothing new then.

Back to work, people!

For more news like this, click here: Jerome Powell Is Getting Fired, Here Are The Top 5 Likely Replacements

Today’s the day! It’s finally here! President Donald Trump confirmed on Truth Social that the extended extended extended deadline for trade deals to be made has expired and the tariffs are now in place which maybe explains why my jeggings are just showing as ‘out for delivery’ even though they should have arrived by 3-5pm yesterday.

Trump has also said that he may put a 100% tariff on computer chips made overseas but that doesn’t affect my jeggings because they don’t have chips in them that I know of.

Similarly, POTUS hit India with a 50% tariff unless they stopped buying Russian oil which means I guess these are sanctions not tariffs. Maybe that’s what they always were. My jeggings were made in India, it said so that might explain the delay. Are they made with Russian oil??!

Although Asian manufacturing hubs are perhaps the hardest hit by the tariffs, their stock markets don’t seem to have cared with some markets even up . If anything there is some relief in the air that hopefully things can settle down, the tariffs are in place and not a big-fat-constantly-changing maybe, now people can adjust.

Maybe I can get the jeggings from China instead? Hold on, I’ll look.

The EU, UK, Japan, South Korea and Texas are among the countries who cemented more favorable deals with the Trumpinator before the deadline but some locales are still looking to come to the table with Switerzerland eager to lower their rates set at 39%, one of the highest for any country. It’s fine though, they don’t make jeggings anyways.

Mexico too in the middle of negotiations and has a tariff pause which really makes you wonder, how dead is a deadline? And if it can be ignored, WHY WASN’T IT IGNORED TO LET MY JEGGINGS THROUGH?!

OK, just to be sure, I’ve ordered one set of jeggings from every country in the world. We’ll see which pair arrives first as a TEST of this new tariff system and I’ll get back to you.

UPDATE: None of the jeggings have arrived and I am now bankrupt. The global trade network is doomed, DOOMED I TELL YOU!!

For more calming voices as you sleep, click here: Trump Successfully Blackmailed The EU, Here’s How He Did It

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