Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Local(ish) man Dorish Jallos III was shocked and embarrassed and disgusted to learn that he had been pronouncing the word “crypto” incorrectly his entire life.

“I’ve always said it how it’s spelt, ‘cry-pto’. Why would I possibly think it was any other way?” Jallos said. “But then I went to this Greek restaurant with my friends, and one of my friends, who isn’t Greek, but could be, said it like ‘crypt-o’, and I said he was wrong because he’s Greek, it’s ‘cry-pto’ and he fucking laughed in my fucking face then spat on me.”

Jallos’ friends explained to him that the correct pronunciation is actually crypto not crypto. Jallos was stunned.

“I couldn’t believe it,” he said. “I’ve been saying it wrong for like, 30 years (I got in on the ground floor). I guess I’ve only ever seen it written down or heard it spoken in a thick, thick Uzbekistani accent. I’m definitely not going to tell them how I pronounce ‘gif’.”

Jallos said he is now determined to learn how to pronounce crypto correctly. He has been practicing saying it over and over again, and whilst he is yet to master the subtleties of the inflection points, he is confident that he will eventually get it right.

“I’m never going to make that mistake again,” he said. “I’m going to be the cri… shit. The crap-o, shit… I’m going to be the crEepto pronunciation master.”

When asked why he had never questioned his pronunciation of “crypto” before, Jallos simply shrugged and said, “I’ve never really talked to anyone about it before.”

“Wait, how do you say DOGE? Like doggy, right?”

Jallos’ story is a cautionary tale for anyone who has never even questioned how to pronounce the word ‘crypto’. Turns out it’s really not how you would expect it to sound. Don’t be like Dorish Jallos III. Educate yourself today.

This article is sponsored by Skillshare.

The estate of the late chocolatier, William K. Wonka has filed a lawsuit against Donald K. Trump regarding his latest plan to offer ‘Gold Card’ Visas to the wealthy.

The Wonka estate claims that Trump, “Plagiarised the golden ticket idea fully, wholeheartedly and with malice. We demand full compensation and a golden ticket for ourselves.”

Trump’s idea differs from the master chocolatier’s promotional factory tour since the Gold Card visa cannot be discovered in a chocolate bar but must instead be purchased for $5 million. The plan aims to increase government cash flow and raise the number of immigrants entering the country, wait, no, that’s not…

“I don’t care if they’re completely different,” continued the Wonka lawsuit, “Wonka Co. has long held a trademark on the word ‘gold’ and the Trump organization has repeatedly flounced that legal ownership. We demand full ownership of Trump Tower and every gold Trump-branded item immediately, please.”

Legal experts say that Wonka is unlikely to win any such case. The lawsuit follows an increasingly litigious streak from the company after Wonka filed a claim against an unlicensed Glaswegen Wonka immersive experience last year.

Meanwhile, Trump’s gold card program is expected to launch in two weeks and adds an important new color to the ‘card’ system. You see, whilst there already exists a green card visa and a red card may be used to end a conversation, the world has never seen anything as powerful as a magic gold card before.

When asked specifically about Russian oligarchs buying the card for some reason, Trump said, “Yeah, possibly. Hey. I know some Russian oligarchs that are very nice people,” which is a normal thing for an American president to say.

The gold card will replace a similar scheme called the EB-5 which is almost identical to the gold card but has a lower price tag and doesn’t have the word ‘gold’ in it so this one’s much cooler I guess.

Meanwhile, Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory continues to… wait… what’s that? Oh no, it’s… it’s… IT’S THE UNKNOWN! AAARRRGGHGGHHHH!!!

In a shocking discovery that has shocked scientists and sent shockwaves through the scientific community, a research team has discovered that the earth’s core is not spherical as previously thought but is in fact, now get this, you won’t believe this, are you sitting down? Ok, the earth’s core is actually… a banana (in shape).

So this comes from the same self-proclaimed ‘scientists’ who recently used earthquake waves to work out that the earth’s core had recently started spinning in the opposite direction (phff, yeah, sure). And as if that wasn’t crazy enough the latest info says that the core can actually change shape (oh, yeah, pull the other one) and though once a sphere, the core may now be closer to banana-shaped (mmhmm, ok, I’ll believe it when I see the peer-reviewed paper).

A handy diagram of what is clearly a giant underground banana.

“Great, now I have to throw out all these schoolroom geology posters,” exclaimed Preston Menaris, local geology professor. “Banana is stupid and silly, why couldn’t it have been an egg? Then at least I could have just drawn the new shape over the top of the old one. A banana? That’s nothing like an egg!”

The finding has naturally fuelled conspiracy theories. Mr. Orten Mavish, High Priest of the Cult of the Banana, is one of the few excited by the news. “The Cosmic Ape is real and this proves it!” said Mavish who believes that the universe was created by an almighty, Donkey-Kong-like figure. “He’s hungry for banana! Soon we will be chimp food! Yes, soon! SOON!”

Core Values

The research also found that this is far from the core’s first shapeshift. The molten center of our planet has previously taken the shape of a diverse range objects such as a cube, an oblate spheroid, a jar of Nutella, a two-dimensional hexagon and a perfect 3-dimensional representation of Mark Wahlberg’s bald head as featured in Flight Risk (2025).

Scientists assure me that the impact of this fluctuation will be minimal and only countries like the United States, China and much of Europe will face unprecedented volcanic activity that will kill millions.

For more erotic science and tech stories hit the ‘follow’ button below.

GAZA, MOZAMBIQUE – A local man (local if you live in Gaza, Mozambique) has expressed his regret after spending $50 million of US government aid entirely on contraceptives for himself.

Eduardo Guardo, who requested he remain anonymous, explained, “What can I say? I thought I’d get lucky. Yeah, using $50 million worth of condoms would require constant sex until the heat death of the universe, but I’m a hopeful man. No, I still haven’t had sex yet but fingers crossed!”

Mr. Guardo, who remains a virgin, recently read a book on ‘pickup’ techniques to increase his chance of romance. After becoming confident in his abilities, Mr. Guardo estimated he would need at least $50 million worth of condoms. This was not the case however and Mr. Guardo in fact required $0 million worth of condoms.

“So now I’ve got this massive warehouse filled with rubbers and idk what to do with them. I thought maybe I could get into balloon animals or something.”

Mr. Guardo’s purchase became a point of controversy recently after Elon Musk claimed this was an example of government overspending. Musk however misunderstood and thought the condoms went to the Gaza Strip (which would be a problem) and not Gaza, Mozambique (which is fine, actually).

It still remains unclear if the cited overspending did indeed happen but the condoms have reportedly somehow ended up in the hands of Hamas.

“I needed a buyer, ok?” confirmed Mr. Guardo. “If they’re going to do it and I can’t stop them then I’d rather they were doing it safely, you know? You have fun, kids.”

Leaked information speculates Hamas will now sell the condoms back to the US and use the money to buy weapons. And the circle of life continues…

The President’s personal physician, Dr. Cabzo Eirangily has warned Donald Trump that, should he continue working at his current pace, he could die in a matter of minutes.

“As President Trump’s second most trusted medical source after RFK Jr., I am seriously encouraging him to take a break,” Dr. Eirangily explained. “We’re not even a month into his second presidency and so far he has… Hold on, I’ll speak in bullet points so it’s easier to follow:”

“And what, he’s expected to do this for four years? No whey hose A. I’m worried one more trade war and he might die of ‘too much president’. Just look at what happen to J’Biden.”

“I would also,” the doctor then turned directly to me and looked me dead in the eyes, “I would also like it if you would stop encouraging him.”

“You’re always writing about him, reporting on every little major thing he does and it just motivates him to do more. If you really care about this man’s health as I sure do then you’ll stop writing stories on him, OK? Deal?”

Deal.

[NOTE: This entire article has now been redacted. DO NOT READ.]

Supposed Vice-President Johnathan ‘Deere’ Vance was finally found this week after a nationwide manhunt. The famed author of Netflix’s 2020 hit movie ‘Hillbilly Elegy’ starring Amy Adams, Glenn Close, Gabriel Basso as a significantly hotter JD Vance and INTRODUCING Owen Asztalos as a young, also hotter, J.D. Vance, wait… Where was I?

Oh yeah, the famed author and politician J (d) Vance has been conspicuously absent from Donald ‘don’t call it a comeback’ Trup’s nascent 2nd presidency. Many feared for the Vice President’s life however they just don’t understand the role of VP which is to be invisible and do nothing until you have to do a surprise last-minute campaign for president and then no one knows who you are and you lose because nobody knows who you are but also you’re a woman, wait…

Where was I? Oh yeah. SO, following Elon’s bright light outshining the real VP, J.D.’s family filed a missing person report and a month-long manhunt began. Thankfully Mr. Vance was found living safe and sound living under a large boulder in the woods in his home state of Appalachia.

When confronted by authorities eager to return him to the White House, a dirt-covered Vance reportedly hissed and spat, then howled for his wolf brothers to protect him. The wolves descended and 56 emergency service workers were killed in the ensuing battle.

Just before being mauled to death, one reporter was able to ask Vance’s opinion about Trump’s proposed purchase of Gaza to which Vance replied, “No comment.”

“JD’s a good guy, tough cookie,” said Trunmp in response to the wolf attacks. “Sure, he’s a creature of the woods, a ‘manwolf’ they’re calling him. Great VP, doesn’t get in the way.”

A recent survey showed that millions of Americans now feel cheated for even bothering to watch the VP TV debate.

One concerned citizen had this to say, “If I’d known the VP would just go and live in the woods, I would have voted for Tim Walz.”

For now, Vance will remain in the woods until this whole ‘Trump’ ‘Presidency’ thing blows over. Until then, well, I don’t know about you but he’s certainly dead to me.

RIP VP JD.

It was a day like any other, local 46-year-old Gerald Jorkins was hiking in the woods behind his house but then he stumbled open something unexpected.

“I couldn’t believe it,” explained Mr. Jorkins in an exclusive interview. “It looked just like any other woodland spring except it… It called to me.”

Jorkins then proceeded to drink from the spring despite his boy-scout training telling him not to.

“I instantly felt rejuvenated, fresher, younger. I checked my reflection and I was, I now looked at most 32. I did it, I’d found the Fountain of Youth!”

However, to his dismay, drinking from the fountain did nothing to alleviate the fact that Mr. Jorkins was still excruciatingly dull.

“I really thought I’d have something more to talk about, but my wife and friends still aren’t that interested. Turns out that being young and immortal doesn’t make you any less ordinary.”

Despite his newfound immortality, Mr. Jorkins’ life remained as monotonous as ever. He still had to go to work, pay bills, and endure awkward family gatherings. Even his newfound ability to heal rapidly from injuries failed to impress those around him.

“I’ve been hit by cars, fallen off cliffs, and even been struck by lightning, and I just bounce right back,” he said with a sigh. “My friend, Andy broke his leg the other day and that’s all anyone’s interested in now. As for me, well, it’s starting to feel like a curse more than a blessing.”

In a desperate attempt to find meaning in his endless existence, Mr. Jorkins tried extreme sports, traveled the world, and even dabbled in philanthropy. But nothing seemed to fill the void within him.

“I can live for centuries, but can I truly live?”

Mr. Jorkins has found one fan in the tech millionaire and biohacker Bryan Johnson noted for his attempts to prolong his life through extremes medical proceedures.

“Oh boy, yeah, I can relate. Being young forever certainly doesn’t make you interesting,” said Mr. Johnson on Mr. Jorkins plight. “Yes you talk to journalists and bloggers but they’re interested in you as a freakshow, not because they like you. I’ve basically had a personality transplant and tried to replace anything that was interesting about me with all this medical stuff. It’s not really succeeded.”

Mr. Johnson recently announced he would no longer be transfusing his son’s blood as part of his medical experiments.

“No, I think this Jorkins fella might be just the sustinence I need…” said Mr. Johnson.

Celebrating the new found interest from Mr. Johnson, Mr. Jorkins said, “Hey, at least I have a friend now!”

Back to you in the studio, Nathan.

LA, CAL – A local man whose unusual job postings went viral this week says he was ultimately unsuccessful at filling the vacant helicopter pilot position.

A man known only as ‘Jose’ is said to be behind the large-scale messages written with discarded timber and other construction materials, most of which simply read, “Help”. Jose said he would have written the rest of the message but didn’t have enough wood to write, “Help, experienced helicopter pilot wanted for an exciting opportunity with a competitive salary!” Jose’s hope was to attract the attention of local helicopter pilots flying overhead and they would be encouraged to apply.

Unfortunately, since the advertisement was only visible from a high altitude, the writing was only spotted when photographed on Google Maps. These images went viral and amateur internet sleuths descended, incorrectly speculating that this call for ‘help’ was, in fact, a cry for ‘help’.

The most common interpretation was that this was a victim of human trafficking who sought to escape their captor without detection by using the inconspicuous messaging system of giant wooden words. Others assumed this was the work of a stranded alien trying to hitch a lift from any passing mothership. Some even believed this was a rehearsal space for Tom Hanks to get into character for ‘Cast Away 2’.

Other words written by Jose on the same Los Angeles construction lot added speculation to the conspiracy theories. But Jose insists that words like, “LAPD, FBI, and Terrorismo” were also innocent adverts for police officers, FBI agents, and terrorists. “I run a busy recruitment agency, OK?” said Jose in a statement.

These conspiracy theories clogged up the comment sections and message boards so that actual helicopter pilots were unable to see the advert for what it really was and Jose remained helicopter-pilot-less.

It remains unclear why Jose wanted a helicopter pilot in the first place but I think it’s safe to say it was probably to help him escape human trafficking.

Kung Hei Fat Choi! Or for those of you who don’t speak Spanish, Happy Chinese New Year! Famously, China celebrates New Year’s Day on a different date to America which means that China is technically living in the future. Or the past. I don’t know. Something about time zones, or the moon or my clock batteries running out, idk, look it up.

Anyway, 2025 (plus and minus a month or so) is officially the year of the snake which China insists is just a coincidence and is in no way a political comment.

However, this has not stopped Trump from thinking everything is about him and calling the name change a personal attack.

Writing on Elon Musk’s ‘Truth Social’ social media platform, Trump Tweeted, “LAME brain CHIEna has no respect for AMERICA! Xi Jinping declares this the year of the snake, a clear attack at me and my wife MELANIA!!!! I AM NOT A SNAKE IF ANYTHING I AM A LION OR AN EAGLE KAKAWWW!!!!!!!! ChIEna must change this year to year of the EAGLE or I will increase tariffs on ChIEnese products 100000%%%!!!!!”

Trump then signed an executive order officially renaming this year ‘the Year of the Eagle’. This means that all government calendars, clocks, documentation and reports will now refer to 2025 as the year of the eagle instead.

To demonstrate, the years will now proceed as so: 2020, 2021, 2023, 2024, The Year Of The Eagle!, 2026, 2027 and so on…

It’s unclear how purely numerical clocks and calendars will adjust to the change but hey, it’s done now so, what can you do?

China has not dignified the change with a response.

President-again Donald Trump has praised actor Mark Wahlberg, saying that his latest performance in ‘Flight Risk’ (2025) was instrumental in preventing a trade war with Colombia.

“So there I was, watching Flight Rish (2025),” the now-president explained on Truth Social. “Great movie. 26% of tomatoes that watched it had a good time, did you know that? Mel Gibson. Nice guy. Mark Wahlberg, not so nice. Nasty, and I mean real nasty. Just a real piece of work. And you know he’s a piece of work because he’s bald. Not really bald of course, they just shaved his head. You can tell he shaved his head, you can see he’s not a natural bald, but otherwise, the effects were good. I believed the movie. I believe it could happen, sure.”

The diplomatic crisis (which bears no resemblance to the events depicted in the fictional film Flight Risk (2025)) began on Sunday when Colombian President Gustavo Petro barred two planes transporting deported Colombian migrants from landing. Petro said he disagreed with the use of military planes instead of passenger planes which have previously been accepted. Petro took to social media to protest but little did he know Trump also uses social media and a very public spat began.

“So I’m staring at his bald head,” continued Trump after recounting the entire plot of Flight Risk (2025). “And I’m thinking to myself. I’ve got a plane problem myself. We’re deporting these Colombian MIgrants. Colombian. MIgrants. Real nasty people, you think Bald Wahlberg is bad… But then I think to myself…”

“W.”

“B.”

“D.”

“Very simple, ‘What Would Baldberg Do’? I live by those words. Ever since I saw Flight Risk (2025). And I think, Baldberg, that sonofabitch, well he’d impose a 50% tariff increase unless Colombia lands that plane.”

“So that’s what I did. I said, ‘You don’t want your people back, that’s fine. That’s fine. But then you’ve got to pay. You’ve got to pay.’ And Colombia they said, yes. They had to say yes, I practically forced them.”

“And for that, I’d like to thank Baldberg. Rest in peace.”

Trump then announced his intention to add Flight Risk (2025) to the National Film Registry of the Library of Congress and bestow Wahlberg with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Wahlberg has yet to accept.

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