2024 | Wall Street Memes

In HBO’s latest documentary, ‘Money Electric: The Bitcoin Mystery’, filmmaker Cullen Hoback hunts for the identity of Satoshi Nakamoto, the anonymous creator of Bitcoin. After a series of dead ends, Hoback finally comes to the thrilling conclusion that Nakamoto is in fact just a big bag of rocks.

“It just all adds up,” the documentary makers explain in the film, “If you were just a big bag of rocks do you think people would believe you were behind a trillion-dollar financial system? No, you’d pretend to be a person.”

The documentary claims the big bag of rocks has been there from the beginning and has in fact been just sitting there on the side of the road long before Bitcoin’s inception. The smoking gun however is a series of transactions in 2010 supposedly by Nakamoto that correspond to a Bitcoin wallet held by the big bag of rocks.

“I thought it would be someone unexpected but never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be just a big bag of rocks on the side of the road. Now that’s a twist,” continue the exasperated documentarians on camera, “But if you think about it. It all makes sense. Big bag of rocks… Rocks… Rock, paper, scissors… Paper… White Paper!? Boom.”

The big bag of rocks denies the claims, Tweeting (or ‘X’ing, fine, shut up), “I’m not Satoshi. I’m just a big bag of rocks.” In the documentary itself, when confronted with the accusation that it’s behind Bitcoin, the big bag of rocks just sat there, motionless. The filmmakers take the silence as a damning admission of guilt.

Many crypto enthusiasts (or crypthusiasts as they’re known in the biz) are skeptical of the documentary’s findings. “It’s easy to point the finger at a big bag of rocks because it’s so big and it’s not going anywhere,” lamented crypthusiast Micheal Oblong. “But if you look more closely, I mean actually do the research, it’s clear that Satoshi Nakamoto is me. I am Nakamoto.”

Whilst the documentary certainly adds to the long-running discussion over his identity, until the big bag of rocks shows a conclusive connection to Nakamoto or at least is seen wearing Nakamoto’s clothes, the real person (or inanimate object) behind the illusive innovator will likely remain a mystery.

Satoshi Nakamoto did not respond when reached for comment.

Ex-First Lady, Melania Trump’s new memoir hit shelves on Tuesday and, in addition to clashing with her husband’s anti-abortion stance, Melania also hinted at her support for Kamala Harris.

In the book, ‘Melania’ by Melania, Melania’s ghostwriter explains, “There is only one choice for the president and it is really not who you think I think it is going to be…(winky face emoji)”

Who precisely that person is remains unclear but political experts are quick to point out that there is only one other candidate in the 2024 United States of America presidential election for the president ever since Robert Francis Kennedy Junior bowed out of the race.

“There’s only a couple of people the book could be talking about,” said former political scholar Derbert Monfresse, “I’ve been wracking my own brains trying to think of who it could be and all I can say is it’s probably not the one who you’d expect it to be (winky face).”

Republicans now fear that should the race come down to one singular vote (as was the case with Bush v. Gore in 2000), Melania might be held responsible and the Trumps’ all-important marriage would be in tatters.

Aside from this revelation, the book features numerous tidbits such as Melania revealing that she is pen pals with the King of England, the Pope, and former US President, Donald Trump.

Other headline-grabbing points (but that were real so we couldn’t make our actual headline) include her denial of the 2020 election results, that she was in the situation room during the Al-Baghdadi raid, and that she still occasionally goes for brunch with Stormy Daniels (ok, fine, that last one’s made up too).

Melania’s stance on abortion is surprisingly part of a long tradition of first ladies contradicting their husbands’ opinions. Laura Bush supported abortion rights against her husband and famously Martha Washington said, “Abortion, I don’t know what that is but if George likes it then I don’t.”

‘Melania’ is out now in hardback, softback, and all kinds of backs from all good bookselling stores.

Stemming accusations that she avoids interviews, Vice President Kamala Harris dragged herself through a 60 Minutes interview that felt more like 127 Hours (remember? the movie with Jake Franco? And he’s stuck inside of a rock and ends up befriending the rock or something? I don’t know I never watched it but it feels like no one talks about it anymore. Maybe it didn’t do well because 127 hours is way too long for a movie… Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah…) the movie.

For the sake of impartiality, the episode began with a 60-second segment explaining that the republican nominee refused the interview until he received an apology for the previous one (note, this is not standard interview protocol). In 2020 Trump cut his 60 Minutes interview short, now, 60 Minutes wants their time back. “Everyone does 60 Minutes, it’s the law,” CBS explained, “Like Andy Warhol said, ‘In the future, everyone will have to be on 60 Minutes’.”

“You still owe us 39 minutes and 14 seconds, Mr. Trump. We’re getting that time back one way or another. Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick.”

Terrified she might owe 60 Minutes valuable time and intent on avoiding a ‘time debt’ like Trump, Kamala Harris sought to extend the interview and use up all allotted 60 minutes without saying much by avoiding questions and leaving long pauses between syllables.

Bill Whitaker grilled Harris on the Middle East, the economy, and what he was planning to have for lunch, successfully generating usable clips that both sides could take out of context.

However, as if to punish Harris for her stalling tactic, once the 60 minutes had expired, Whitaker did not cease the interview. Harris begged to leave but Whitaker would not relent and continued to question the presidential nominee. As the recording came close to the 127-minute mark Harris appeared to threaten Whitaker.

“I have a Glock,” she said. “Have you ever fired it?” asked Whitaker. “Yes. Of course, I have,” replied Kamala, cold desperation in her eyes. And just like that, the interview was over.

Harris had survived more than 60 minutes of 60 Minutes and would be glad to never again be in debt to the Columbia Broadcasting System. But when it came to air, the Harris campaign was devastated to discover only roughly ten minutes of the interview made it to broadcast and CBS would bank that time to claim at any point of their choosing.

“You still owe us,” CBS continued in a creepy sing-song voice, “Everyone pays the time debt. Everyone.”

At a Trump rally this weekend, Elon Musk deployed his new anti-assassination technique: jumping up and down really fast.

Former president, Donald Trump returned to Butler, Pennsylvania twelve weeks after the failed assassination attempt on his life. During his speech, Trump invited Elon Musk onto the stage to speak. The billionaire proceeded to jump up and down in what initially appeared to be an impromptu performance of ‘the YMCA’ but was actually a defensive technique against a potential assassination attempt.

“He’s been practicing for months,” explained former Olympic high jumper and Musk’s personal trainer, Robyn Bobbin, “When Elon heard the rally was coming up, he said he wanted to be able to dodge bullets and I told him, when you’re ready, you won’t have to.”

“It’s the same technique I use at the Olympics or at the dentist and to this day I’ve not been shot more than twice,” Ms. Bobbin continued. “The principle is very simple, by jumping up and down you create a moving target, that’s number one. Number two is you’re confusing the shooter because they’re looking at you going, ‘what the hell are they doing?’ and you can’t fire a gun when you’re confused.”

By all accounts, the technique was successful with no incidents at the event. As amateur historian, Derbert Monfreese, explained, “Had Abraham Lincoln jumped up and down, maybe he’d still be with us today.”

After tuckering himself out from jumping, Musk proceeded with his speech. “Hi everyone. As you can see, I’m not just MAGA, I’m ‘dark MAGA’,” Musk said, referencing both his black ‘Make America Great Again’ hat and the ‘dark MAGA’ meme. You see, whereas MAGA hats are normally red, Musk’s hat was black, or ‘dark’, like the meme. Ordinarily, if you have to explain the joke, it’s not funny, however, this is not true with the elevated humor of Elon Musk.

Unable to ‘block’ the ‘X’ owner ‘IRL’, rallygoers and Trump listened to Musk’s expression of free speech as he proceeded to recount the gruesome details of the failed Trump assassination (exciting) before lecturing about the importance of registering to vote (boring). Once concluded, Musk bunny-hopped off stage.

Reportedly the United States military has contacted Musk about the possibility of deploying his patented ‘jumping’ technique in the field. However, it remains to be seen whether Trump himself will apply Musk’s move at future public appearances or just stick to his signature ‘fist dance’ to bamboozle any potential assassins.

With this month’s addition of a second ‘mini-moon’, Earth’s original moon, the Moon, has opened up about feeling “unwanted and replaced” in an exclusive interview.

“It just feels like the moment you reach 4.53 billion years, no one wants to hear from you,” the Moon admitted this weekend. “Why else would this mini-moon be suddenly getting all the headlines? I do think it’s ageism, I do. Mini-moon? More like mini-slut.”

The Moon is referring to 2024 PT5, the asteroid that recently entered Earth’s orbit where it will remain until the end of November. The mini-moon is not visible to the naked eye as it is only 10 meters across, but it is there, we promise.

“‘Petite’, they call it,” continued the Moon between cocktail sips. “I was never called ‘petite’. I have a diameter of 2,000 miles for god’s sake! And you know what? I’m proud to be big-boned. I’d like to see that PT5 bitch influence the tides with its itty-bitty waist.”

“How can you even call that a moon? I’ve seen more meat on a Saturn V rocket. You’re telling me Pluto is too small to be planet but this pocket-sized hussy gets to be called a moon? I’m the moon. I’M THE MOON.”

This development comes amid growing tensions between the Moon and the Earth. The astronomical bodies continue to drift apart at a rate of about 1.5 inches a year.

Last week the Moon Tweeted (‘X’d’, whatever), “YOU DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY!!! I’m not made of cheese, I’m not a golf course, I’m not someone’s bare ass. I have feelings but half the time it feels like you don’t even know I exist. I’M DONE. I’M GONE.” However, at the time of posting, it was unclear if the Moon actually went anywhere since it was the middle of the day.

In related news, astrologers are said to be “shitting bricks” over the new moon. “New-new moon-moon rising? Is that what we’re calling it?” Carter Bungleslim, Head of Astrology at NASA said in leaked emails. “This is going to f*** up lunar birth signs for everyone. I’m calling it, any kids born right now are going to be retarded.”

When reached for comment, 2024 PT5 did not reply. Because it’s a rock. And rocks don’t speak. Obviously.

A new court filing against presidential hopeful, Donald Trump, claims that he attempted to have the results of the 1892 presidential election overturned.

“Grover Cleveland was a coward,” said Trump in a Tweet presented as evidence in filing. “WORST PRESIDENT EVER. Should never have been elected the second time!! STOP THE STEAL!!!”

The Supreme Court recently ruled that presidents should be immune from prosecution when carrying out their official duty, however, prosecutors now claim that Trump’s continued complaints that Benjamin Harrison was “robbed” constitute a private action.

According to former staffers, Trump insisted any portraits of Cleveland be removed from the White House. Upon finding a book mentioning the 19th-century president, Trump ripped out the page saying, “Hash-tag, not my president. Not my president! Grover was a dawg. He rigged the vote. Everybody knows it.”

The reason for Trump’s objection to Grover Cleveland remains unclear but legal scholars maintain it might stem from Trump’s longstanding policy of maintaining the 1890 McKinley Tariff, whereas Cleveland campaigned to lower it.

Trump accused Cleveland of using rigged voting machines, widespread voter fraud and a consistent de-platforming of the Prohibition Party. Trump has asked for a recount on multiple occasions despite having it explained to him that this was over a hundred years ago, the votes don’t exist anymore.

Democrats claim Trump’s complaints are tantamount to treason and that the January 6th riots were partially motivated to have both the 2020 and 1892 elections overturned.

“If I had a time machine, I’d go back to 1892 and count the votes myself. But I can’t. But I am the president. So I’m gonna get his name out of the history books and everyone says the name ‘Benjamin Harrison’ instead. I’d settle for James B. Weaver, whatever, just not Cleveland.”

Why Trump does not seem to object to Cleveland’s original election in 1884, he has yet to explain.

The trial date has not been set and will likely not take place before the election in November. Until then, the legacy of Grover Cleveland and indeed, Adlai Stevenson I, hangs in the balance.

Errr. Israel has declared war on Sweden in a move strategists are calling, “Really very stupid.”

Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu announced the invasion this morning following a preemptive air strike using extra-long rockets so they could reach further. Tanks are reportedly on their way but are currently driving through Lebanon so it’ll take a while for them to get there.

Swedish forces were fast to respond, destroying their pagers and assembling flatpack munitions in a matter of minutes. However, missing hex keys are holding back a full retaliation as generals search junk drawers for the right size.

The international community responded with bewilderment to the development. “What?” said US diplomat Justin ‘Cheeky’ Chavez, “Who are we supposed to send arms to now? Both sides? I mean, I guess we could do that. We’d need to check if Amazon ships to Sweden.”

Iran, now dazed by Israel’s unprecedented tactic, expressed similar confusion. “My enemy’s enemy is my friend, but what if my enemy’s enemy is my friend’s enemy? Is my friend now my enemy? Am I my own enemy?” Iran then promptly declared war on itself.

‘Why?’, ‘For what purpose?’ and, ‘To what end?’ are also good questions, to which analysts have speculated that maybe Israel had a world map folded over and thought Sweden was much closer. Other theories suggest Israel is applying the ancient military tactic of ‘bamboozle’, a risky strategy involving making the least expected move, especially if it’s a very bad one.

Some have suggested more novel explanations such as amateur historian and massive nerd, Derbert Monfreese, who explained the move by saying that, “The Bible doesn’t clarify the exact coordinates of the promised land so who’s to say it isn’t in Scandinavia?” Everyone, Derbert, that’s who’s to say. That makes no sense, Derbert, shut up.

The United Nations has condemned the Swedo-Israeli conflict in a new statement, “Come on, guys, this is just all too complicated now. Alright, new rule, everyone gets to fight one war at a time and that’s it, OK? No exceptions.”

In response to the new, ‘only one war’ rule, Israel then floated the idea of having just one mega-war, a ‘world’ war, if you will, that everyone could join and no one would miss out on. Germany vetoed the motion.

During Tuesday’s televised debate, JD Vance and Tim Walz superbly displayed their qualification for the VP role by remaining uncontroversial, under the radar and uninteresting.

Millions of Americans grabbed their popcorn and tuned in to watch their second favorite politicians go head to head in a bloody fight to the death. Unfortunately, both candidates stuck to the issues and did little sniping or insulting so why did they even bother to show up?

Vance in an effort to balance Trump’s unhinged, rambling brashness was polite and thanked his debate partner multiple times even at one point offering to pick Walz’s kids up from school. Walz and Vance agreed with each other on crucial issues such as gun deaths, hurricane relief and who should run for president.

Both candidates seamlessly avoided answering questions directly like professional politicians but like amateur entertainers. No one watches NASCAR to see the cars not-crash.

At times it seemed like the debaters might go head to head, but the moderators had a lot to discuss so they had to move on.

A recurring critique from Vance was to ask why Harris had not delivered her presidential campaign promises whilst she has been vice president. Perhaps JD overestimates the power he will have in office or no one told him that the role of the vice president is to not do anything, that’s the point. No one had even heard of Kamala Harris until she ran for president, not even Joe Biden. Even JD had to introduce himself at the start of the debate to make sure the moderators hadn’t booked the wrong guest.

As the nearly two-hour debate dragged on, viewers reported to finding more entertainment watching the background slowly fade from blue to a slightly lighter blue and then back to blue.

Journalists too bemoaned the lack of insubstantive content with one New York Post reporter saying, “There wasn’t even a fly landing on anyone’s head to spice things up. What am I going to write about now? What they said? Like, their words? Ugh. Boring. Bor-ING.”

In post-debate surveys, viewers agreed that Tim Walz has a squishy face and JD Vance has blue, blue eyes. When asked who they thought won the debate, swing voters unanimously agreed that yes, there was a debate that happened.

The civil, policy-focused debate may have been a victory for democracy but it was an immense failure for television networks and insult enjoyers everywhere.

We’re out of time and I am afraid there are still a number of subjects to discuss, so we will end it there, thank you.

Yesterday Donald Trump announced a plan to lynch shoplifters over “one really violent day”, apparently taking campaign strategy from the movie franchise, ‘The Purge’.

At a Pennsylvania rally, Trump described the new policy to combat shoplifting by allowing police to act as Batman, enacting violent retribution against petty criminals, but for a limited time only.

Self-proclaimed movie buff and ‘Purge Historian’ (not a real job), Derbert Monfreese explained that, “The six films and one television series that constitute the Purge Cinematic Universe depict a future in which all crime is legal for 24 hours. What Trump describes however is just a period in which the police can do whatever they want to criminals. Technically, that’s not the purge, that’s just a regular day in LA.”

When asked whether the nerds couldn’t let us just have one fun thing without running it with technicalities, Derbert replied, “No.”

In response to whether Trump’s idea was, “maybe closer to ‘Kristilnact’, then instead, can we do that?” Derbert said, “I’ve not seen that movie.” So, I think we’ll go with that analogy instead. Hold on, I’m looking it up… no, that’s like the exact opposite thing. Ugh! Great, well this article’s ruined. I’m going to have to rewrite this whole thing now! God, I hate you Derbert, you ruin everything and you suck.

Trump’s suggestion appeared founded on the claim that, “In San Francisco, $950 you’re allowed to steal. Anything above that you will be prosecuted.” However, Derbert tells me, even though I didn’t ask him, that, “Actually, Trump is misremembering a Californian law from ten years ago in which some violent crimes (including shoplifting a value below $950) were reclassed as misdemeanors.”

The Republican nominee continued to assert that, “You saw kids walking with calculators… They didn’t want to go over the $950, they’re standing with calculators, adding it up.” He then mimed holding an old-timey brick calculator from the 80s. Maybe he saw that in a movie too because when was the last time a kid used a calculator instead of their phone?

Video clips and quotes from the rally give the appearance of Trump’s words being taken out of context but I didn’t make this up, Derbert! He really said this, look, here’s the portion of the speech with the rambling bits crossed through so you can see nothing’s cut out.

“We have to let the police do their job and if they have to be extraordinarily rough. And you know the funny thing with all of that stuff, look at the department stores, same thing. They walk into a– you see these guys walking out with air conditioners with the refrigerators on their back. The craziest thing. And the police aren’t allowed to do their job. They’re told if you do anything, you’re going to lose your pension, you’re going to lose your family your house, your car. The police wanna do it, the border patrol wants to do it. The border patrol, they’re incredible. They wanna do it. They’re not allowed to do it because the liberal left won’t let ‘em do it. ~~The liberal left wants to destroy ‘em and they wanna destroy our country.~~”

“You know if you have one day like one real rough nasty day with the drugstores as an example, where when they start walking out with, you know she created something in San Francisco, $950 you’re allowed to steal. Anything above that you will be prosecuted. Well, it works out that the 950 is a misnomer ‘cos you can steal whatever you want, you can go way above but you’d see it originally, you saw kids walking with calculators. They would calculate. They didn’t want to go over the $950 they’re standing with calculators, adding it up. You know these are smart, smart people, they’re not so stupid but they have to be taught.”

“Now if you had one really violent day like a guy like Mike Kelly put him in charge, congressman kelly put him in charge for one day. Mike would you say, you right here. He’s a great congressman. Would you say Mike that if you were in charge you would say, ‘Oh, please don’t touch them, don’t touch them, let them rob your store, let–’ all these stores go out of business right? They don’t pay rent the city doesn’t have money the whole, it’s a chain of events that’s so bad. ONE. ROUGH. HOUR. (and I mean real rough) the world will get out and it will end immediately. End immediately. You know? It’ll end immediately. ~~Crooked Joe Biden…~~”

You happy now Derbert, you goddamn nerd?

‘The Purge: Election Year’ is available to stream now on Netflix and CSPAN.

Following the assassination of more than a dozen commanders, Hezbollah has taken to the networking site LinkedIn to post a series of job vacancies and has updated its profile picture to read, ‘#Hiring’.

Among the jobs listed were, ‘Secretary-General’, ‘Central Council Deputy Head’ and ‘Social Media Intern’.

For the top job, the militant group is looking for someone to, “Develop and implement a comprehensive partnership plan with leadership groups across the region. This position requires full managerial oversight of various political alliances and vendettas.”

“Requirements: 30+ years experience as a Shia cleric, tech proficiency (pagers, radios, Excel, etc.), unwavering fealty to the defense of Lebanon and the destruction of Israel. We’re not looking for: anyone with a phobia of airstrikes. Perks: lunch is on us! Get a complimentary Deliveroo voucher every Friday!”

Currently, the job posts remain at, “0 applicants”.

It was previously thought that Hezbollah would look to hire internally, however, to promote the second in command to the first in command they would first have to promote the third in command to the second in command but to do that they would have to promote the fourth in command to the third to command and to do that… you get the idea. The problem with this plan is that they’re all a little bit dead right now.

Only the group’s janitor has expressed a vague interest in the role so is now the front-runner for the top spot.

Doubling Hezbollah’s hiring woes was the recent explodening of the entire recruitment, hiring and human resources departments. It is unclear who updated and is now monitoring the account… a very intelligent bird perhaps?

Joining the hiring push, Hamas has also posted a vacancy for the leader of their Lebanon branch. A similar absence of applications here too can only speak to this current generation’s laziness and general lack of ambition.

It remains unclear whether Hezbollah can fill the vacancies just in time for all-out war (they wouldn’t want to miss that) or whether the next in command will just pretend not to be in charge rather than paint a large target on their forehead. Hopefully, Iran’s ‘reposting’ of the LinkedIn post will give Hezbollah some invaluable visibility.

Miniature Russian MMA fighter, Hasbulla declined a request to comment.

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