2025 | Wall Street Memes

GAZA, MOZAMBIQUE – A local man (local if you live in Gaza, Mozambique) has expressed his regret after spending $50 million of US government aid entirely on contraceptives for himself.

Eduardo Guardo, who requested he remain anonymous, explained, “What can I say? I thought I’d get lucky. Yeah, using $50 million worth of condoms would require constant sex until the heat death of the universe, but I’m a hopeful man. No, I still haven’t had sex yet but fingers crossed!”

Mr. Guardo, who remains a virgin, recently read a book on ‘pickup’ techniques to increase his chance of romance. After becoming confident in his abilities, Mr. Guardo estimated he would need at least $50 million worth of condoms. This was not the case however and Mr. Guardo in fact required $0 million worth of condoms.

“So now I’ve got this massive warehouse filled with rubbers and idk what to do with them. I thought maybe I could get into balloon animals or something.”

Mr. Guardo’s purchase became a point of controversy recently after Elon Musk claimed this was an example of government overspending. Musk however misunderstood and thought the condoms went to the Gaza Strip (which would be a problem) and not Gaza, Mozambique (which is fine, actually).

It still remains unclear if the cited overspending did indeed happen but the condoms have reportedly somehow ended up in the hands of Hamas.

“I needed a buyer, ok?” confirmed Mr. Guardo. “If they’re going to do it and I can’t stop them then I’d rather they were doing it safely, you know? You have fun, kids.”

Leaked information speculates Hamas will now sell the condoms back to the US and use the money to buy weapons. And the circle of life continues…

Google’s map app, ‘Google Maps’ has reported global outages following the overwhelming number of border changes implemented by President Donald Trump.

The changes began with the rebranding of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of the United States of America. Next came the acquisition of Greenland, then Canada, and then Palestine. Just this week, Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth said that Ukraine’s pre-2014 borders would be unrealistic, effectively ceding Crimea to Russia. Then, Trump announced his plan to begin Ukraine peace talks after a call with Putin. And lastly, California has unmoored itself from the continent and is now adrift in the pacific.

With all these dramatic changes, Google Maps has had no choice but to completely crash. Now users attempting to use the app to navigate will be rerouted through the ocean which, to be fair, is about as usable as it was before.

In an attempt to fix the bug, Google has patched the displayed map to only feature two global countries, Russia and America. Reportedly this simplifies the app’s data and means that everything’s running smoothly again. The only downside is that it has started a new cold war.

“Yeah, this isn’t our fault,” claimed Gordon Mesotenso, Google’s lead cartographer. “I was born with a severe condition in which I’m told I am unable to communicate successfully with humans however I am able to create maps with the accuracy of a satellite. No, I do not play geoguesser.”

“Google Maps is and always has been 100% accurate regardless of territorial disputes,” continued Mesotenso. “China owns the independent sovereign nation of Taiwan. The free Israeli state of Palestine is entirely autonomous of any other country. And Kasmir simply exists on another plain of existence.”

“The problem is when people come in and tell me what’s where and what’s called what. I can keep up but the app can’t. When we have to keep updating it every other day our users’ phones crash and then what? People die. That’s what.”

It remains to be seen what remains to be seen or if anything can be seen at all. Stay tuned.

After OpenAI CEO Sam Altman refused Elon Musk’s offer of $97.4bn, the world’s richest man made a compelling counteroffer: “I’ll leave you alone forever, I won’t Tweet, and I won’t show up at your door in the middle of the night anymore.”

Altman now has to take this offer to the board and consider their options but given the generous bid, they might take some time to deliberate.

On the one hand, they would lose control of the company behind ChatGPT and give that technology to the increasingly politically motivated Elon Musk (AKA Harry Bōlz, AKA Adrian Dittmann, AKA Kekius Maximus). But on the other hand, they won’t have to hear his very funny jokes anymore (remember the sink bit?). But on the other hand, they wouldn’t receive any money for the most valuable startup in the world. But on the other hand, can you put a price on inner peace?

Close your eyes. Breathe deep. Imagine for a moment a Musk-less world. Breathe out.

Hmm. Perhaps that is worth $97.4bn?

Donald Trump is said to be interested in the same offer after Elon rocked up at the White House yesterday for an impromptu press conference. The Trump team has said the trespasser will be prosecuted within the full extent of the law.

Altman laughed the original offer (much lower than $300bn estimated value) out the door and Tweeted in response, “no thank you but we will buy twitter for $9.74 billion if you want.” Well, jokes on Altman because it’s not called Twitter! HAHAHA! You idiot! You IDIOT!

This episode in an ongoing spat between the two men helped found OpenAI and then fought for control of the company. More recently Musk and Altman clashed on the proposed Stargate project in which both men built giant mechanized robots to fight each other.

Honestly, they should just f*** and get it over with.

Bowl fans nationwide were confused and frightened to discover that once again no bowl was featured during the Super Bowl.

“I’m disgusted. I vomited into this bowl I always carry with me,” commented bowl aficionado, Brandon Bropslod. “We expected to see a bowl that had superpowers of some kind and instead we were given a game of football? What?”

Fans were initially hopeful that one of the players would bring a bowl onto the field however this did not occur. Next, when the halftime show began there were rumors that Kendrick Lamar might emerge wearing a bowl haircut however this was not the case. During the ad breaks, bowl fans were on the edge of their seats in anticipation of a breakfast cereal ad but, alas, no luck.

Experts are baffled by this phenomenon. Some believe that the bowls have been abducted by aliens, while others suspect that they are hiding in a secret location, waiting for the perfect moment to reveal themselves.

The NFL has released a statement expressing their concern and disappointment. “We are doing everything in our power to locate the missing bowls,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “We understand how important this tradition is to our fans, and we are committed to finding a resolution.”

In the meantime, fans are left to wonder what has happened to their beloved bowls. Some have taken to social media to express their frustration and disappointment.

“#WhereAreTheBowls” has been trending on Twitter for several days. One user wrote, “I can’t believe this is happening. I’ve been looking forward to the Super Bowl all year.”

Another user added, “This is a travesty. The bowls are a part of our national heritage.”

The search for the missing bowls continues, and fans are hopeful that they will be reunited with their beloved tradition soon. However, with each passing day, the mystery deepens, and the question remains: where are the bowls? WHERE ARE THE BOWLS???

President-Of-The-Hour Donald Jeffery Trump has announced a 25% import tariff on any steel and aluminum entering the United States forcing beverage companies to reduce their soda can size by at least 25%.

A spokesperson from CoCo Kola (no relation) commented that, “We wholeheartedly agree with the president’s decision to tax aluminium. As so called shrinkflation hits families down and up America we see this as a great opportunity to make a quick profit. Now, everyone’s favortie delicious Kola will come in a ‘fun-sized’ variety at the same price.”

Doctors agree that this is better for everyone. “I myself don’t drink CoCo Kola,” said Dr. U, head of the physical studies department of humans at the University of Guam. “But if I did I would probably be obese. No, this way people won’t drink as much CoCo Kola, which can only be good for everyone. Particularly me. Because I’m spiteful.”

Speaking from Air Force One, Mr. Trump explained the change, “AMERICA HAS BEEN LAST FOR TOO LONG!!” he said, somehow speaking in all-caps. “NOW SODA CANS WILL BE SMALLER SO YOUR HANDS LOOK BIGGER! A WIN WIN FOR EVERYONE OUT THERE WITH HANDS!”

Trump-a-licious

Likely hit hardest by this change are Canada, Brazil and Mexico who make up the majority of America’s aluminium trading numbers. Mexico says if it cannot trade aluminium then it will be forced to trade drugs instead.

Little does Trump know that Air Force One and other planes are also made of metals that will be hit by the tariff. A significantly reduced size for the Presidential Plane will likely cause issues for the President who has stated in the past that he likes planes to be “big”.

“We’re going to make America great again, one tiny soda can at a time,” Trump said at a rally in Ohio. “And let me tell you, these new cans are going to be tremendous. They’re going to be so small, you’ll be able to fit them in your pocket. And they’re going to be so affordable, you’ll be able to buy a six-pack for the same price as a single can before.”

Consumers, however, are not as enthusiastic about the new tariffs. Many have taken to social media to express their outrage, with some even calling for a boycott of soda.

“This is ridiculous,” said one Twitter.com user. “I’m not going to pay the same price for half the soda. I’m going to switch to water, which I hate.”

The President’s personal physician, Dr. Cabzo Eirangily has warned Donald Trump that, should he continue working at his current pace, he could die in a matter of minutes.

“As President Trump’s second most trusted medical source after RFK Jr., I am seriously encouraging him to take a break,” Dr. Eirangily explained. “We’re not even a month into his second presidency and so far he has… Hold on, I’ll speak in bullet points so it’s easier to follow:”

“And what, he’s expected to do this for four years? No whey hose A. I’m worried one more trade war and he might die of ‘too much president’. Just look at what happen to J’Biden.”

“I would also,” the doctor then turned directly to me and looked me dead in the eyes, “I would also like it if you would stop encouraging him.”

“You’re always writing about him, reporting on every little major thing he does and it just motivates him to do more. If you really care about this man’s health as I sure do then you’ll stop writing stories on him, OK? Deal?”

Deal.

[NOTE: This entire article has now been redacted. DO NOT READ.]

Beloved Sesame Street character Elmo found himself accidentally encased in concrete during the latest expansion of the iconic children’s television show location. The incident, which occurred during a construction project to add a new playground area, left Elmo unable to move and screaming for help.

According to sources close to the production, the mishap occurred when a crew of construction workers accidentally poured wet concrete into the area where Elmo was standing, mistaking him for a decorative rock. Elmo, who was reportedly engrossed in counting numbers, was unaware of the danger until it was too late.

“We were all in shock,” said Big Bird, who witnessed the incident. “One minute Elmo was there, counting his numbers, and the next minute he was dead. Wait, no, not dead, sorry, just buried up to his neck in concrete.”

Since the Sesame Street emergency crews are also puppets they were ineffectual at removing Elmo before the quick-setting concrete hardened. After several days of chiseling away at the concrete to free the relentlessly shrieking Elmo, Elmo was extracted at the small cost of a limb.

“Elmo is a tough cookie,” said Cookie Monster, who helped to comfort Elmo after the incident. “He’s already back to his old self, counting numbers, making us all laugh. Yeah, he’s missing an arm but hey, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.”

Sesame Street producers have since apologized for the incident and have promised to implement stricter safety protocols on set. The first of which is to ban Elmo from the street until a full investigation can be undertaken. They have also assured fans that Elmo is doing well and that the show will continue to produce new episodes as scheduled.

In a statement, Elmo himself said, “Elmo is okay! Elmo learned a valuable lesson about construction safety! Elmo reminds children that construction sites are not play areas even if that’s what they’re building! Like Elmo always says, ‘If you want to keep your limbs, don’t go for a swim (in concrete)!’”

Despite the positive message, lawyers predict that Elmo will likely sue for damages.

Supposed Vice-President Johnathan ‘Deere’ Vance was finally found this week after a nationwide manhunt. The famed author of Netflix’s 2020 hit movie ‘Hillbilly Elegy’ starring Amy Adams, Glenn Close, Gabriel Basso as a significantly hotter JD Vance and INTRODUCING Owen Asztalos as a young, also hotter, J.D. Vance, wait… Where was I?

Oh yeah, the famed author and politician J (d) Vance has been conspicuously absent from Donald ‘don’t call it a comeback’ Trup’s nascent 2nd presidency. Many feared for the Vice President’s life however they just don’t understand the role of VP which is to be invisible and do nothing until you have to do a surprise last-minute campaign for president and then no one knows who you are and you lose because nobody knows who you are but also you’re a woman, wait…

Where was I? Oh yeah. SO, following Elon’s bright light outshining the real VP, J.D.’s family filed a missing person report and a month-long manhunt began. Thankfully Mr. Vance was found living safe and sound living under a large boulder in the woods in his home state of Appalachia.

When confronted by authorities eager to return him to the White House, a dirt-covered Vance reportedly hissed and spat, then howled for his wolf brothers to protect him. The wolves descended and 56 emergency service workers were killed in the ensuing battle.

Just before being mauled to death, one reporter was able to ask Vance’s opinion about Trump’s proposed purchase of Gaza to which Vance replied, “No comment.”

“JD’s a good guy, tough cookie,” said Trunmp in response to the wolf attacks. “Sure, he’s a creature of the woods, a ‘manwolf’ they’re calling him. Great VP, doesn’t get in the way.”

A recent survey showed that millions of Americans now feel cheated for even bothering to watch the VP TV debate.

One concerned citizen had this to say, “If I’d known the VP would just go and live in the woods, I would have voted for Tim Walz.”

For now, Vance will remain in the woods until this whole ‘Trump’ ‘Presidency’ thing blows over. Until then, well, I don’t know about you but he’s certainly dead to me.

RIP VP JD.

The fate of the unfortunately named, United States Agency for International Development (USAID) remains in the balance however quadillionaire Elon Musk has come out in opposition to the department Tweeting, “I don’t think anyone should have AIDS.”

“Call me old fashioned,” the SpaceX CEO continued, “but I think AIDS is bad and I don’t think there should be a whole government department devoted to giving it to people. I think they should give people money instead.”

Confusing the answer to whether Musk even has the power to do this, Trump seemed a bit more teachy-peechy (that’s a phrase right?). “We’re getting them out and then we’ll make a decision.”

Whereas Musk said, “We’re shutting it down.”

But Trump said, “We’ll see.”

But then Musk said, “No, it’s done.”

“Maybe.”

“…not.”

“OK, back in your box ELan.”

“No, I don’t want want to go back in the box.”

“Back in your box.”

“Naaaahhhoooo!!”

Elon Musk and his embarrassingly named DOGE have been on a mission to cut government spending. With an office in DC and 20-something employees of 20-somethings, Musk has been on the offensive left right, and center doing things that everyone’s really not sure is legal…

Ironically USAID actually provides money to various HIV/AIDS prevention organizations so getting rid of AIDS might actually bring about more AIDS. …AIDS.

USAID staff have been sent home and some employees have been locked out of their emails which explains why Janice isn’t responding to me even though I sent her like a dozen emails and even texted her to say she should make sure to check her junk mail.

The USAID could not be reached for comment. You know, probably because of what I just said…

Also, their website is down.

Two directors at the agency were put on administrative leave after refusing DOGE access to sensitive payment information. Look, I’m not a legal political expert by any stretch of anything but idk if a private citizen should have access to government documents. Like, what’s even going on here? I guess they’re like it’s fine, we don’t need to jump through the bureaucratic hoops because that’s what slows things down we’re cool and techy, move fast break things, we’re outsiders and we’re cool, but aren’t those rules there for a reason? Like, maybe Musk and gang should be properly vetted and stuff? Or voted in? Or something? I don’t know, if an expert in this can weigh in in the comment section that would be great thanks.

Anyway, what was I talking about? AIDS?

I tell you what would AID me, is a break from all this! Jebus-Louibus, man I can’t keep up with it anymore! All the news! There’s too much news I tell ya!

Continuing the expansion of the Trump real estate empire, the ‘yes-it’s-only-been-two-weeks-President’ Donald Trump has announced a new golf course in the Gaza Strip.

The new course will add to Trump’s latest property developments in Greenland and the Gulf of Mexico. Sorry, ‘Gulf of America’, sorry, ‘Golf of America’.

What precisely will happen to the 2 million people who don’t want to live on a golf course? Well, you know, maybe they could, I dunno, do you have any ideas?

“You know Gaza’s interesting,” Trump previously said explaining his plans for the territory, “It’s a phenomenal location, on the sea, best weather, you know everything’s good, some beautiful things could be done with it.” The President stopped short of saying, those ‘things’ were a big ol’ golf course.

The America First President intent on slashing government explained his planned new purchase recently at a press conference with Benji Netenyahoo, “The US will take over the Gaza Strip and we’ll do a job with it too.” What, ‘a job’? What does that MEAN? “We’ll own it and be responsible for dismantling all the dangerous unexploded bombs and other weapons on the site.” Ok, I guess that clears things up.

So the plan is, in response to a terrorist attack, America is going to go in and take control of a Middle Eastern country under the pretense of disabling weapons…

…Those who repeat history are doomed to learn a lesson from it, or something like that.

Not-America Unhappy With Trump Plan

Countries across the world and beyond have condemned the plan as “bad”. But to be fair though, Kamala Harris would have done a way worse job, so I don’t think they’re allowed to complain actually.

Russian President Vladimir Putin was one of the few leaders not to condemn the announcement, saying, “Heheheeh, now you see! Taking a place just because you want it is not such a bad thing!”

What does this mean for the ceasefire I hear you ask? Well, that’s… That’s also a question. Hey, maybe both sides really want a golf course. Oh, you did? And they don’t? Ok, well, then let’s not ask them.

Experts Weigh In

Political commentator and Palestinian-Israeli relations expert, ‘Douglas ‘n’ Texas’ (@douglasntexas) weighed in on the complex issue with a simple three-step plan:

“MGGA: Make Gaza Great Again. Although I am not sure it ever was great. However, an end to the violence over there would be a nice change for the people of Gaza and Israel. Step 1: Get rid of the Muslim extremist twisting up the religion for their own personal profit. Step 2: Educate their women. Step 3: Educate their children.” (Punctuation added for clarity)

Problem solved, thanks Doug.

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