2025 | Wall Street Memes

I don’t know what to tell you guys, there’s just no news. I’m sorry, I know you came here for the latest stories, but phhff we’re simply out.

I know it seems like there’s a lot going on with the wars in Gaza and Ukraine and New York, but yeah, weirdly, they just dipped today. Every single person in these conflicts just took a brief moment not to do much, so there’s nothing new there.

What else we got… Trump, he’s always good for a laugh. What you been up to? …Not much? More of the same? Ok, ok, cool.

Musky-boy, me ol’ pal Elon, can always rely on you for some good banter, right? What’s happening? …Right, right, slow for you too, huh. Okeee…

Financial newsifications: businesses looking pretty much the same. There are numbers but they’re not very interesting.

And in entertainment, yeah, there’s some new releases tomorrow, but for now, just a bit of a lull really.

Surely there must be some fluff piece we can run? No endangered puppy riding a surfboard? No? Ok, crap… Idk, just play some piano music.

Aww, look how cute he is. Not news though, this picture's from years ago. — Aww, look how cute he is. Not news though, this picture’s from years ago.

Insert Interesting News Headline Here When Something Happens

Hey, you know what, though, maybe the lack of news IS news! Maybe this random black hole of topical content is notable enough to write about after all! Yeah! That’s the spirit! So here’s the news, kids: there IS NO NEWS! How exceptional and surprising is that?!

Today will go down in history along with April 18, 1930, as the most remarkable day of all days. Even more remarkable than a day filled with things happening. Everyone will remember where they were when nothing happened and comment on how the world was not the same again.

Incredible times.

(It’ll be just my luck that this’ll go live when there’s a 2nd 9-11 or something)

For more non-stories, click here: Google Forced To Sell ‘G’ and Become ‘Oole’ In Antitrust Lawsuit

Stop the presses! The Epstein List has been found, and by none other than the greatest sleuths of our generation, the masters of deduction from whom no secret is safe. That’s right: Coldplay.

During an innocent kiss cam at their latest concert, Coldplay spun the camera round to a government agent who happened to be in the crowd reading a particularly dense dossier.

“What are you reading there, a newspaper?” quipped the band’s front man, Chris Martin. “It better not be the Epstein Files!”

Even though Martin meant this as a joke, from the agent’s panicked expression and failed attempt to cover up the document, fans assumed that this was in fact the Epstein client list after all.

Nearby concert goers then rushed the agent and managed to prize the pages out of his hands, before posting pictures of it online, confirming the nature of the files.

For the full contents of the Epstein Files, click here: 10 Revelations From The Epstein List That Someone Just Emailed Us

Precisely why someone brought the files to a concert, Coldplay or otherwise, why a government official was even attending a concert or why he was wearing sunglasses are all questions that will be answered in the fullness of time, but either way one fact remains clear: no secret is safe from Coldplay.

For more on this story, click here: Epstein List Revealed To Be Written In Sharpie: Trump’s Screwed

Billionaire innovator Elon Musk today granted the wish of a local Dogecoin holder by having him strapped to a Falcon 9 rocket and launched directly into a lunar transfer orbit.

The investor, 28-year-old Kyle Stockton, who reportedly quit his barista job in 2021 to “day trade freedom,” approached Musk outside a Tesla dealership this morning with a desperate plea. Eyewitnesses say Stockton, wearing a faded “WAGMI” t-shirt and clutching a phone showing his portfolio down 97%, fell to his knees before the SpaceX CEO.

“Papa Elon, please, you have to help us!” wept Stockton, his voice cracking. “My memecoins are in the gutter! My SafeMoon is neither safe nor on its way to the moon! Wen moon, Elon? Please, just send me to the moon!”

According to sources, Musk paused, stared at Stockton with the analytical gaze of an engineer diagnosing a software bug, and nodded slowly. “Affirmative,” Musk stated, pulling out his phone. “Request for lunar trajectory acknowledged. Stand by for fulfillment.”

Before Stockton could clarify that he was referring to the financial, metaphorical moon of massive returns on his $800 investment, a sleek, unmarked black van from the “SpaceX Rapid Response Customer Fulfillment Division” screeched to a halt. A team in pristine white jumpsuits emerged, efficiently placing a baffled Stockton onto a gurney.

“Wait, no, I meant my portfolio!” Stockton was heard shouting as the team fitted him with a surprisingly well-tailored flight suit. “My JPEGs of sad hamsters! They need to 100x!”

Ignoring his protests, Musk oversaw the operation with quiet satisfaction. “He expressed a clear desire for a specific destination,” Musk later told reporters while sipping a sparkling water. “We pride ourselves on customer satisfaction and vertical integration. He asked for the moon. We delivered. Problem solved.”

As the hastily erected launch gantry finished fueling, Stockton’s final, panicked words were picked up on a hot mic: “THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT BY DIAMOND HANDS! HODL! HODL THE GURNEY! TELL MY MOM TO WATER MY CRYPTO MINING RIG! IT’S A POTTED PLANT I PLUGGED A USB INTOOOOOO!”

The crypto community has hailed the event as an unprecedentedly bullish sign.

“This is it. The prophecy is being fulfilled,” tweeted user @CryptoCzar420 from his mother’s basement. “Elon is literally sending one of us to the moon as a pioneer. This is more bullish than a laser-eyed bull riding a rocket. I’m all in on KyleCoin (KYLE).”

Within minutes, #KyleToTheMoon was trending on X, and over seventeen new cryptocurrencies, including MoonKyle, AstroChad, and LiftOffInu, had been created, rugged, and declared dead.

At press time, Stockton was reportedly halfway to his destination, his faint screams for a Wi-Fi password to check his Blockfolio account being drowned out by the cold, unforgiving vacuum of space. The FAA has released a statement saying they are “looking into the legality of on-demand orbital citizen launches,” but admitted they were “mostly just impressed with the turnaround time.”

For more Elon content, Elon-tent if you will, click here: Elon Branches Out In Fast Food, Tesla Stock Tumbles

“Nothing beats a Jet2 holiday and certainly not deportation,” said a Jet2holidays spokesperson in response to the White House posting a video of a man in handcuffs dubbed with the viral TikTok audio.

“I would like to remind everyone that Jet2 does not offer deportation or imprisonment as part of our selection of exotic flights and holiday packages,” continued the spokesperson.

“The White House had no right to use our copyrighted material and they can expect a lawsuit forthwith. Forth! With!”

The British travel company, Jet2holidays also cancelled their partnership with Airforce One in retaliation for the slight but say they welcome the free publicity.

Jess Glynne, the singer behind the song, ‘Hold My Hand’, that was a part of the viral audio has also condemned the White House’s usage of the meme.

“When I wrote the heartfelt lyrics, ‘darling, hold my hand’ I did not mean with handcuffs.”

Similarly, Zoe Lister, the voiceover of the original advert, has spoken out against the video.

“When I said those heartfelt words, ‘nothing beats a Jet2 holiday’, I meant it. But now those words have been used for evil, I can never forgive myself.”

It’s all a bit weird, really. Never mind the lack of humor, taste, or professionalism, why are they using Jet2 in the first place? Don’t they have their own planes and such? It doesn’t make sense.

God, what timeline are we even in?

For more meme news, check out: “CEO Affair” Becomes the Most Interesting Thing Coldplay Has Ever Released

‘Twas the night before the Tariff Deadline, when all through the White House,
Not a deal was being struck, not even with Laos (shut up, it rhymes).
The tariff rates were displayed on poster board with care,
In the hopes that St. Donald soon would be there.

The British were nestled all smug in the UK;
Happy that their deal was the first to be made.
Vietnam was next, having halved its rate;
46 to 20, is better than great.

Indonesia, Philippines, Japan then EU,
And the deal with Korea is practically brand new.
Still in talks is China, China, China, China, China,
Which, for now, has reached a trade war ceasefire.

But that leaves Canada, Mexico and India,
Big traders still deal-less, along with Australia.
Nearly 200 countries, it’s a very long list,
Don’t check it twice, or it won’t get finished.

These deals take time and care to finesse,
But at this rate, they won’t be done before Christmas.
Trump has twice had the deadline delayed,
It’s a wonder if we’ll ever see liberation day.

Then what should my wondering eyes now behold?
But a miniature POTUS, almost eighty years old.
He was dressed in a suit, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with gristle and blood (wait, what, why blood?)
A bundle of tariffs he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pedler just opening his pack (whatever that means).

His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the tie on his neck, it continued to grow.

He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he shouted, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a funny old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, because he was funny-looking.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filed out all the tariff deals; then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his motorcade, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew to Mar-a-Lago like a missile.

But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight:
“Happy Second Liberation Day to all, and to all a good night!”

For more classic literature about tariffs, click here: The Boy Who Cried ‘Tariff’

Tesla Incorporation ($TSLALALA) just signed a $4.3 billion (casual numbers) deal to get their batteries from the South Korean company LG rather than China for once. But here’s the twist, the batteries will be made in LG’s US factories saving American manufacturing once and for all.

But here’s the twist, the batteries aren’t even going into the Tesla cars. So where are they going you ask? Well, here’s the twist: I don’t know where they’re going. Robots? Rockets? Mars? My ass? Who knows.

But here’s the twist: this is Tesla’s second deal this month with a South Korean company after they agreed to getting Samsung’s AI semiconductors for $6.5 billion. Is South Korea the new China? No.

But here’s the twist: these are LFP batteries. That’s lithium iron phosphate to the layman. What, that doesn’t spell LFP? Shut up. It does if you squint. Anyway, these batteries are like cheaper, better in the cold, have a higher energy density so they’re good to be building. But here’s the twist: China is the current king of LFPs, so Korea wants in on that action and now they’re getting it.

LG Energy already announced a $5.9 trillion contract to send LFP batteries overseas. There weren’t any more details than that but maybe Tesla’s deal is part of that.

Either way this represents a strong pivot by Tesla away from reliance on Chinese manufacturing but indicates a massive rise in South Korea’s already strong tech influence.

Who knows, maybe in the near future Tesla will be a South Korean company. Now that would be a twist.

For more Tesselations, click here: Elon Branches Out In Fast Food, Tesla Stock Tumbles

Officials from the United States of America (USA) have started a fresh round of trade talks with the People’s Republic of China, this time in Sweden, after both parties got lost.

Reportedly, American diplomats insisted that the negotiations take place on home turf, whilst China likewise refused to talk anywhere other than home. Finally, after months of negotiation on Zoom, both countries agreed to the others demands and so set off for eachothers respective countries.

On the long journey from the US to China and vice versa, the representatives became very lost and met each other at roughly the halfway point on their trips: Sweden.

Though neither side brought appropriate clothing for the cold weather, it turns out Sweden has indoor rooms, so both sides have now sat down for a cordial chat.

In blue corner, all the way from America, Washington we have Tresasury Secretary Scott Bessent and in the red corner, representing the great state of Bejing, China it’s Vice Premier He Lifeng!

The two have until August 12th to duke it out because that’s when their temporary tariff pause will lift and import taxes could go back up to higher than 100% (impossible btw).

China is the next big target for America after a string of winning deals were ironed out with the UK, Japan and most recently the EU. China’s the biggest economy in the world I think so that would be a really good get for these guys.

The US has yet to work out a deal with Mexico and Canada, America’s biggest trade partners.

I am a little confused though, did America only appear a month ago? Why are all these deals being made like we’re the new kid on the block? Like, I know, it’s Trump, he reset everything with his crazy threats but it seems like SUCH a hard reset, like everyone’s starting from complete scratch and everything needs to be renegotiated. What is this, Brexit?

Anyways, seems like maybe the things are evening out and the previous market panic has worn off. Turns out they just needed time to relax. So, we’ll see where things go from here.

All my love, xxx

For more tariff-ic news, click here: HEARTBREAKING: Rabid Monkey In Charge Of Tariffs Dies

President Donald Trump has reached what is being called the largest trade deal in history since the last one. This time, it’s with the EU, agreeing to reduce the threatened tariffs down to 15% in return for massive investments in sectors like US energy.

Most commentators are calling this a W for Trump and an L for the EU, so what exactly did he have on them?

Below are the top five pieces of dirt that Trump has on the EU.

5. A Trade Deficit

OK, this isn’t exactly blackmail material, but Trump went in knowing that the EU was selling more than the US was. Now I’m no economist, and I can only understand two numbers at a time, so to me that looks bad. And that’s just what Trump went in there to fix, and it looks like he did, so good job, Don.

4. Ukraine

This one’s more Russia’s blackmail material, than Trump’s but Putin’s got ‘em in a chokehold and say what you will about the Yugoslavian navy, the EU needs American military support. Holding that back was a no brainer in this negotiation. And the EU wanted to keep Uncle Sam sweet in the event of a nuclear war.

3. Steamy Pics of Angela Merkel

Trump’s Ace in the Hole (if you’ll excuse the golf pun). Don-Don’s been hiding this for just the occasion but reportedly, he’s had incriminating pics of the former German chancellor for decades. Yeah, she might be retired but her shadow looms large and that’s the kind of press that old Ang can’t afford to stomach right now.

2. A Latvian Princess Held Hostage

Many a mustache has been twirled over the capture of Princess Egglisea Henklebergen III during the Latvo-Prussian conflict of last year. But now Europe wants her back and they will settle for any can of tariff rate to get her. You best believe Trump wheeled her out chained to a sack barrow to get what he wanted.

1. The Epstein List

The big one. Trump’s got it on his desk and boy does it contain some European leaders that’s for sure. Now, negotiators reportedly tried to play the Pres’s bluff, knowing that he’d be just as incriminated. But that’s just the Art of the Deal baby. If Trump goes down then all of Europe’s going down with him.

So, with all that dirt on the EU, how could they not agree? Now we’ll just have to wait and see what the Don has up his sleeve for China…

For more on this story, click here: US Economy ‘Out Of UNO Reverse Cards’ Following Trump Tariff Block

For decades, the investing world has been divided into two camps: the slow-and-steady, dividend-reinvesting boomer camp led by Warren Buffett, and the YOLO-ing, 100x-leverage, meme-coin-apeing degen camp led by us.

Until now.

In a discovery that is already being called “the Dead Sea Scrolls of getting rich,” a crumpled, ketchup-stained document believed to be a Dairy Queen napkin was recovered from a trash can outside Berkshire Hathaway headquarters. Scrawled on it, in what experts believe is the Oracle of Omaha’s own hand, are five principles that finally translate his legendary wisdom into a language today’s traders can understand.

Forget everything you thought you knew. Here are Warren Buffett’s secret tips for absolutely crushing the market.

1. Only Invest Within Your “Circle of Competence”

For years, Buffett has said he only invests in businesses he can understand, like insurance or railways. The modern translation? Only invest in memes you genuinely get.

Don’t understand the nuance of the latest cat-themed Solana coin? Stay away. But if a coin is based on a cartoon frog you’ve been posting for years, or a stock is surging because a guy on Reddit made a funny MS Paint drawing? That’s your circle of competence. That’s your Coca-Cola. Go all in. Your gut-level understanding of the meme’s virality is the only “fundamental analysis” you need.

2. Be Greedy When Others Are Fearful (of Missing Out)

The old interpretation was to buy when there’s blood in the streets. The real meaning is much simpler: When the FOMO in your group chat reaches a fever pitch, you must be greedier than anyone else.

Is everyone posting screenshots of their 500% gains? Are rocket emojis flooding your feed? That’s not a sign of a top. That’s the market screaming at you to be fearful… fearful that you’re not taking out a second mortgage to buy more. True Buffet-tier investors understand that the moment of maximum greed is the real generational buying opportunity.

3. Our Favorite Holding Period is “Until It Hits Zero or We’re Forced to Sell for Tax-Loss Harvesting”

Buffett famously said his favorite holding period is forever. Apes call this “diamond hands.” But the napkin reveals the true genius behind this strategy.

It’s not about long-term value. It’s about refusing to admit you were wrong. Selling at a 90% loss is for paper-handed cowards. A true value investor holds on, not because they believe in the asset, but because locking in a loss would damage their ego. The real “value” you get is the moral victory of going down with the ship.

4. It’s Far Better to Buy a Wonderful Meme at a Terrible Price Than a Terrible Meme at a Wonderful Price

A “wonderful meme” has a great community, a catchy name, and high-quality GIFs. A “terrible meme” is one that has actual utility or a business plan.

According to the sacred napkin, paying the absolute top for a coin like $DOGE in 2021 was a far superior investment to buying a boring, functional crypto project at the bottom. Why? Because for a brief, shining moment, you were part of something. You were part of the culture. And the memories of being up 10x for three hours are a “moat” that no bear market can ever take away.

5. Price is What You Pay. Clout is What You Get.

This might be the most profound revelation of all. Buffett’s old-fashioned ideas about “intrinsic value” are dead. You’re not buying a future cash flow stream. You’re buying a story.

Did you lose $5,000 on 0DTE GameStop options? Wrong. You paid $5,000 for a legendary story about how you fought the hedge funds, an anecdote you can tell for years. The “value” isn’t in the money; it’s in the upvotes, the retweets, and the respect you get from other financial deviants.

When reached for comment, Buffett’s long-time partner Charlie Munger, who was seen exiting the Dairy Queen shortly after the napkin was discovered, simply said, “Warren’s right. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go 100x leverage my See’s Candies position. To the moon.”

So there you have it, you going to send your tendies to the moon or whatever it is you people say? Yeah, we thought so.

Want more Buffett, you saucy minx? Click here: Buffett Just Cashed Out $300B Then Retired, Here’s How He Pulled It Off

Tesla has seen its steepest sales slump in over a decade but don’t worry, our newly returned prodigal king has a plan: copy McDonald’s. Introducing the Tesla Diner!

I mean, look at them, they’re a success, right? And what’s so different between a fast food company and a car company anyways? To flagship the pivot, Elon has launched the first Tesla Diner in Los Angeles which opened at 4:20 (yes) on Monday.

It’s just like Nicola always dreamed.

Nerd fans camped out for months to get some robot-served popcorn (classic diner food). Fried chicken, waffles, grilled cheese, tuna melts and a ‘Tesla Burger’ (made with real battery acid) were also on the menu but apparently the bots couldn’t handle that.

Elon tweeted that he wants the diner to become a chain, hoping to phase out production of cars and robots altogether and just focus on flipping burgers by 2027.

Elon McUsk… Elon McDonald… Elon MuskDonald… McDelon… oh god.

But let’s be honest, with Cybertruck happy meal boxes and EV charging ports around the outside, this is clearly just a marketing stunt. A cute pop-up built to make headlines and not much more. Maybe it’ll hang on as a quaint curiosity, but franchise material this ain’t.

Now I know no one cares about this, but I’m mostly thrown off by the aesthetic. It’s marketed as a 1950s diner and it’s playing The Jetsons on the giant LED screens. It’s going for that 50s Americana futurism, but it’s Tesla, so it has to be branded like background set dressing to a Bladerunner film. The result is a mess that can’t decide if it wants to exist in the future or in the past and ends up somewhere slap bang between the two, somewhere roughly in the 2000s, when everything was cheap silver plastic.

Anyway, that’s me off my soapbox. Back to finance or whatever. Tesla stock down, pop-up up.

Oh and the EU has banned EV cars or something? Idk, but it’s something bad for Tesla too. If only Elon was still in charge of the government…

Alright, that’s all the news for today! Have fun, lots of love, Jimmy Balls.

For more Tesla news, click here: Elon Leaves DOGE To Focus On Kids, No, Wait, Tesla