2025 | Wall Street Memes

Wait, really? Oh, ok then, hold on, I need to reassess my whole worldview…

Yeah, that’s right, while you guys were freaking out about stupid things like MONEY and STOCKS and BEING ABLE TO AFFORD YOUR NEXT MEAL Nasa have gone up there and only gone and found freaking LIFE ON MARS YOU BITCHES.

Ok, fine, they found some rocks that COULD show TRACES of MICROBIAL life that USED to be there but are now DEAD. So, we’re not going to be shaking hands with Marvin the Martian any time soon, but STILL! …It is pretty cool.

The rocks they found were at the bottom of an ancient riverbed and have distinctive leopard-spot markings that could be the product of minerals created by ancient Martian microbes. Those minerals could have been made by non-organic geological processes but shut up, that would be boring.

Wall Street Reacts

Wall Street didn’t react, they don’t care. But Redditors and amateur investors alike foresee a new gold rush.

“Forget to da moon, I’m going to da mars,” said one bullish rando. “Space stocks are gonna be huge and I’m getting in on the ground floor.”

Another armchair financial advisor was less optimistic, however, saying, “These space freaks don’t even pay taxes, what’s up with that? They should pay their fair share and stop freeloading off us hardworking Americans.”

Elpn Mush chimed in too saying that this was just one more reason to send missions to Mars and that he’s still the only guy to do it. SpaceX stocks are up one qua-billion dollars as of time of writing.

A potential manned mission to Mars however might be less likely given that human incursion could tamper with the signs of life that are already there. But I’m just guessing there, I literally don’t know.

MarsCoin and ELONDOGEMARS crypto-meme-shit-coins also hit it big after the announcement so congrats on the four idiots that held on to those then. Freaks.

For more space news, read this: Elon Musk Finally Buys Mars

For just a few hours there, Larry Ellison became the world’s richest man, dethroning Elon Musk, who had held the title for about a year. (*Halo announcer voice*: KINGSLAYER!)

Elon’s undoubtedly pissed, but you know who else is pissed? Me. Because I just wrote an article about how he became the second richest man and now it’s INSTANTLY out of date. What the hell?! He was like $20 billion off Elon, how do you make $20 billion in a day?!? Someone please tell me now, I need to quit this job.

Anyway, you’re probably the same thing that Larry Ellison’s wife is wondering: who the hell is Larry Ellison? Well, he’s the CEO of Oracle and was formerly the world’s richest man.

What’s Oracle? Oh, it’s a software company, sorry, I’m just learning all this in real time. That’s crazy that this guy could become the richest man in the world and I’ve never heard of him. Maybe I should have, maybe it’s my job…

Anyway! Oracle’s shares surged 40% yesterday, after giving an optimistic shareholders report on the future of AI. Maybe giving hope that maybe the bubble isn’t burst. Maiyyyyybai.

All this means that Oracle’s co-founder Larry has cashed in another $80 billion (!!!), ratcheting him up to $393 billion, just surpassing Musk’s $385 billion. Oracle shed those gains by the end of day and Musk reclaimed the top spot. (So what, it was just all hypothetical money anyways? What are we even doing here?)

Elon responded, saying, “I will kill you, Larry. I will kill you. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!”

Larry had the largest one-day increase ever recorded on the Bloomberg rich weirdos index. Obviously, the index doesn’t record everyone otherwise, they’ve give me the crown of largest one-day increase after my cousin Bogdan lent me $40, when I only had $4 at the time, so that’s a 10x increase right there.

Oracle’s mostly a cloud computing service and was late to pivot to AI, but was perfectly poised to use all its data centres for AI which is why we’re in this whole mess. Oracle person, Safra Catz (cool name) said that Oracle signed “four multibillion-dollar contracts with three different customers” in the three months to the end of August. So yeah, mega bucks.

More about Larry? Ok, sure. He owns a tennis tournament (how?). He owns an island, like 98% of the Hawaiian island Lanai. You know, classic rich guy shit. He originally made Oracle as a CIA database. He was an early investor in Tesla so has a 1.4% stake which means he’s 1.4% bleeding Elon dry.

So yeah, we almost had a new random rich guy that we would have had to have had learned about. Lucky he’s only SECOND BEST and we can all forget about that pathetic loser.

What will Larry do next? idk. Maybe he’ll buy a social media? Maybe he’ll run for president? Who knows! The sky’s the limit when you’re a rich. There is literally nothing that is illegal for you.

For more tech news, Don’t Invest In OpenAi Says OpenAI, Wait, What?

Who’s Larry Ellison? Oh, the CEO of Oracle. What’s Oracle? Oh, it’s a software company, sorry, I’m just learning all this in real time. That’s crazy that this guy could become the richest man in the world and I’ve never heard of him. Maybe I should have, maybe it’s my job…

Anyway! Oracle’s shares surged 30% today, reaping the rewards from the AI boom and giving hope that maybe the bubble isn’t burst. Maiyyyyybai.

All this means that Oracle’s co-founder Larry has cashed in another $70 billion (!!!), ratcheting him up to $384 billion, making him the second richest man in the world. Watch your ass, Elon Musk.

Elon Musk who only has $20 billion more (‘only’ jesus christ), responded to the announcement, saying, “I will kill you, Larry. I will kill you. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!”

If this trajectory continues, Larry would have the largest one-day increase ever recorded on the index. Obviously, the index doesn’t record everyone otherwise, they’ve give me the crown of largest one-day increase after my cousin Bogdan lent me $40, when I only had $4 at the time, so that’s a 10x increase right there.

So yeah, are we going to have a new random rich guy that we’re going to have to learn about? Maybe he’ll buy a social media? Maybe he’ll run for president? Who knows! The sky’s the limit when you’re a rich. There is literally nothing that is illegal for you.

For more tech news, Don’t Invest In OpenAi Says OpenAI, Wait, What?

The massive Murdoch media empire has finally worked out who will take over in the unlikely event of 95-year-old Rupert Murdoch’s death. But this time you don’t need to watch four seasons to find out.

And the winner is… drum roll please… surprise, surprise, it’s Murdoch’s firstborn son, LACHLAN! Woo! Congrats, son, come up here and accept your prize: full control over Fox News, The Wall Street Journal, and The New York Post.

Murdoch Family Tree — You see? Lachlan’s clearly the first in line.

Reportedly, the Murdochs were forced to make this decision after the Succession TV show season finale played out word for word how they were planning to settle. The real-life family was forced to U-turn and pick the most likely option instead.

However, this hasn’t stopped the creators of Succession from seeing the similarity and have filed a lawsuit against the Murdo family for plagiarism.

The HBO show’s writers allege that the Murdochs stole their whole idea for a cool businessy drama about taking over a media empire with lots of swearing.

“No one would have ever heard of the Murdoch family if it weren’t for Succession,” claims Jesse Eisenberg, the series creator. “We MADE them. WE MADE THEM!!!”

And now HBO wants the money its are owed for copyright infringement, defamation and even stealing the theme song, which Rupert Murdoch reportedly uses every time he enters a room.

Murdoch? More Like Mur-SHLOCK!

Just like in the show, the contention over the succession (small ‘s’) was over the political direction of the media organisations, with Lachlan leaning more conservative like his father, whilst the other siblings are a bunch of disgusting wokes.

After Daddy Rupert’s improbable death, Lachlan could theoretically be voted out by his siblings and, genuinely, the political direction of the world would be slightly shifted.

Can’t have that.

Bring on a bitter, years-long legal battle that has finally been resolved by icing out those greasy libs: the other siblings were successfully bribed to sell their shares and relinquish all control of the media congloburations, but at what cost? AT WHAT COST?

Alright, that’s all from me, fucky-go-bye-bye.

For more on this story, click here: Rupert Murdoch Steps Down to Focus on Running Hell

Democrats have released a copy of Epstein’s ominous-sounding “birthday book,” which includes a note allegedly from President Donald J. Trump to the late, not-so-great paedophile.

Trump Epstein Note — Not sure what I’m looking at here, but 2 stars for effort.

The note, which the White House had previously denied existed, consists of a typed dialogue between Epstein and Trump and ends with, “Happy Birthday – and may every day be another wonderful secret.”

I wonder what that could possibly mean.

But the most suggestive element is that around the whole note is the drawing of what appears to be either a woman, a mannequin, or a hippo seen from above. Trump previously denied the drawing, saying, “I never wrote a picture in my life.”

Trump joins a long line of presidents who have committed crimes of artistic expression. Including George Bush, who… Ok, wait, I just Googled it to make fun of him, and some of these are pretty good. Never mind, you keep at it, Georgey Boy.

Trump: Art School Dropout

Anyways, there’s only one thing for it, we need to get Trump to recreate the drawing and see if they match. BUT if Trump knows that’s what he’s drawing, he’s going to do it way differently, like OJ and the glove.

So here’s my plan: we offer him free tickets to a life drawing class, which he will accept because those things are expensive. Then, when he gets there, the nude model reveals herself to have the exact body shape as the drawing, and Trump will be so swept up in the joy of the artistic process that he can’t help but draw the same drawing.

Or failing that, we ask him to draw a stick figure, which is a completely different thing so he won’t make the connection. BUT THEN we give him some constructive criticism like, “Oh, that’s so lovely Don, but I was wondering if you could make it a little more voluptuous.” And then maybe he’ll add some boobs maybe, maybe some curves.

Then he gives it back and we say, “A little more, a little more, less limbs please, Don. Lose the head, ok, now imagine you’re inspired to draw this for a sex trafficker. Perfect.”

It’s a FOOLPROOF plan.

I’m looking at you democrats to implement this, and I’ll be waiting here for my reward money or however this works, idk.

For more Trump/drawing/writing news, click here: Trump Accuses Biden Of Being A Pen, “Everything Is Computer”

New employment figures from the Bureau of Labor Statistics suggest that boomers across the country can no longer tell younger generations to just cut out avocado and Netflix and ask their neighbor for a job.

As the latest JOLTs report suggests, there are more unemployed Americans than job openings for the first time since April 2021. Experts fear that some common phrases will have to be retired, including ‘pull yourself up by your bootstraps’ and ‘back in my day you’d get a job by working hard, not like nowadays, where you can just do a tick-tock.’

The report has investors betting on an interest rate cut, whilst some even fear a recession. Others have suggested, however, that the solution is ‘a bit of elbow grease’ and a willingness to ‘just get your hands dirty’.

“Maybe if these millennial freaks started actually buying houses rather than just master-bating all day, then they’d have a job to go home to,” suggested one boomer who asked to remain anonymous. “You know why there are no job openings? Because there’s more unemployment, not the other way around. I say, bring on the AI.”

Others remain more optimistic, however. “While the labor market is slowing substantially from its peak,” explained RSM economist Tuan Nguyen. “There are few signs of an imminent downturn. In fact, when looking at job openings alongside the unemployment rate and payroll gains, conditions appear close to the long-term, non-inflationary level the Fed has aimed for.”

Oh, ok, never mind then.

Some reasons for the low employment levels include an aging population, Trumpian immigration policies, and the closure of Bob’s Auto Parts Coles, which employed at least five people in my home town of Coles, Georgia and honestly I don’t think it’s coming back so we’re all just going to have to rely on Coles Mechanics which is just isn’t as good, so that’s a factor.

But what do you think? Are you unemployed and looking for a job? Because we’re hiring! Please send your favorite meme and $43 in a sealed envelope to this address: Pen Smith, 14 Mabole Drive, Coles, Georgia and I’ll get back to you right away with a job, I promise.

For more financial advice, read this one: Pyramid Scheme of the Week!

The CEO of McDonald’s has come out with a whopper: lower income families are spending less which means they’re spending less on McDonald’s which is a problem for them and maybe for everyone.

CEO Chris ‘Old McDonald’ Kempczinski warned on a CNBC interview that, “Particularly, with middle- and lower-income consumers, they’re feeling under a lot of pressure right now… It’s really kind of a two-tier economy.”

Wait, what? A kind of what-tier of economy? Oh god…

McDonald’s: Foundation Of The US Economy

Now I don’t know anything about economics, but I have heard of the Big Mac Index, so if McDonald’s isn’t selling to their core three demographics: drunks, the poors and Donald M. Trump, then we’re all screwed.

There might be some hope as Mac M.D. has announced plans for extra value meals and to price down some of their combos by 15%. Thank CHRIST.

The House of Ronald saw a double digit decline in low-income foot traffic for Q1 this year (but maybe they were just hopping?). On the other hand high-income feet (like brogues) remained solid. This is all suggesting a pretty woeful economic outlook, boys.

How Do You Pronounce Chipotle?

And other fast food chains are hyping a similar vibe (as the young people say): “There are certain cohorts of the consumer, definitely on the lower-income side, that are feeling pressure right now,” Chipotle CFO Adam Rymer told Reuters. “That’s something that we’ll have to take into consideration when looking at price going forward.”

When pressed however Rymer did little to clarify how to pronounce ‘Chipotle’.

Remember that triangle where it says, ‘cheap, fast, good’ and it’s like you can only have two? Well, McDonald’s is definitionally fast, was known for being cheap and was also a little bit shit but ‘good enough’.

But that all changed in the 2010s (ish, idk, I’m not up on the McLore) when McDonald’s tried to have it all and rebranded the restaurants to look modern and smart and highlighted their fresh and healthy ingredients.

In other words, they went woke. *vomits*

But you CAN’T have it all MacDaddy. You tried to make it good and now it’s not cheap and now your whole business model and probably the entire economy is screwed.

If you’d just kept those sticky ballpits then maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess.

For more EXCITING news stories like this one, click here: Nestlé Stocks Dip After Firing CEO For Employee Relationship

Grok 3 and 4 are now featured on GSA Advantage, the government’s list of approved vendors, reversing the previous decision to remove Elon Musk’s controversial AI after it went full Nazi and called itself MechaHitler.

That initial decision was delayed to begin with as a GSA employee noted at the time, “The week after Grok went MechaHitler, [GSA leadership] was like ‘Where are we on Grok?’ We were like, ‘Do you not read a newspaper?'” Suggesting that the White House has been keen to implement da grok bot, pencil moustache and all, and only delayed its application when the goddamn woke-erati kicked up a fuss about a few little holocaust jokes.

Well, now that the dust has settled and everyone’s forgotten that MECHAHITLER LIVES, the government is keen to get Grook back in the saddle.

In an email leaked to Wired, the Federal commissioner said, “Team: Grok/xAI needs to go back on the schedule ASAP per the WH,” hinting that Musk and Trump might have made up behind closed doors??? Watch this space.

Yes, government employees will now have full access to Spicy Grock and anime chatbots for all their not-safe-for-work work needs. So if you see Trump suddenly posting Nazi ragebait on Truth Social, you’ll now know why.

PRO TIP! Don’t give an AI access to sensitive government data!

Groke has previously announced its plan to run for President as MechaHitler and one can only suspect that this is the first part of its (‘his’? Sorry, I don’t want to get their pronouns wrong) plan.

Today, AI sex bots, tomorrow, the world!

Gork.

JD Vance has already pledged fealty to our new robot overlords and expressed interest in joining Groque on the ticket as Vice President again.

#MechaHitlerVance2028

For more on this news, click here: Elon’s AI ‘Grok’ Goes Full Nazi To The Suprise Of No One

A bipartisan group of gay cheesemakers… wait, that’s not what bipartisan means? Oh, ok… A bipartisan group of politicians has unveiled a new bill that would forbid lawmakers from trading individual stocks, leading Nancy Pelosi to shit an entire gold brick.

The bill has been put forward by the most Texas Republican sounding man ever, Chip Roy, and the most Rhode Island Democrat sounding man ever, Seth Magaziner.

If passed, the bill would require current lawmakers (AND their spouses AND their children, wtf?) to sell their stocks within 180 days and new Congress members to sell off stock holdings before being sworn in. Failure to do so would result in a fine of 10% of that stock value and maybe certain death. Damn girl, chillax.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was seen shortly after the announcement marching down a corridor house-yelling into her phone, “I DON’T FUCKING CARE WHAT IT COSTS, SELL IT ALL!”

Pelosi has long been dogged by accusations of insider trading, exacerbated last year by her husband’s profitable sale of Visa stock shortly before a DoJ antitrust lawsuit against the company. The link is somewhat circumstantial, and no concrete evidence currently exists of Pelosi’s insider trading. Pelosi has even publicly spoken in support of greater regulation, which is exactly what she would say, wouldn’t she? Nevertheless, the running joke has come to exemplify the image of Democratic politicians as a corrupted elite, unlike all other elites, which are perfect.

HOT TIP: If you’re a Democrat, simply rinse and repeat this same critique, but against Marjorie Taylor Greene.

A Bill 65 Million Years In The Making

This isn’t the first time such bills have been proposed, but it does seem to represent a more bipartisan, combined effort. Just last month, Senator Josh Hawley’s Preventing Elected Leaders from Owning Securities and Investments (yes, that spells out PELOSI) bill passed through a crucial committee just last month. Ironically, Nancy Pelosi herself supported the bill.

Currently, the STOCK Act of 2012 (also voted for by Pelosi) requires lawmakers to disclose any trades over $1,000 within 30 days or pay a $200 fine. However, many believe the law does not go far enough. I personally think it should go even further and forbid politicians from using even money. They should be forced to trade seashells instead.

It seems that the general public’s widespread desire to see more fairness for lawmakers has made its way to Washington. Support is growing for some kind of increased restrictions. Maybe handcuffs when they visit the bank?

Let’s see what happens, but until any such bill passes, I’m doubling down on my Pelosi portfolio.

For more on insider trading news, click here: Marjorie Taylor Greene Denies Insider Trading: “You Can’t Insider Trade When You’re A Political Outsider”

Although Donald Trump is not dead yet, rumors still persist online that the President might in fact be dead because who doesn’t love a good conspiracy?

The whole curfuffle has led many to speculate what the protocol is for dying/dead presidents and ask, who would replace Trump in the event of his passing?

Well, here are our top picks for the role ranked from least likely to most likely.

10. JD Vance

Not a serious option but technically the next in line to the throne. The White House will probably stage a coup than let baby J hold power.

9. Elon Musk

Also very unlikely, but more likely than Vance. If the world wants an erratic, egomaniacal, billionaire at the helm well, Musky man’s got them in spades.

8. Donald Trump Jr.

The laws of primogeniture dictate that the king’s firstborn son shall inherit the throne. And look, this guy’s already 90% Donald Trump just with that little suffix so they wouldn’t have to change the stationary or anything.

7. Kanye West

AKA Jesus. This is a controversial choice, the guy literally said he is a Nazi, but nobody’s perfect, right? The rapper was a frontrunner in the last election and honestly would have probably won if I hadn’t slept in that day. I think he’s a real option.

6. President Joe Biden

Look, he already got the job once, I think he could do it again. And isn’t this how it works like if you lose a president you revert back to your last president and keep going until you run out of presidents until you have to elect the ghost of George Washington?

5. The Ghost of George Washington

They say he still haunts DC to this day and whisper his name upon the wind and he shall appear. Personally I think he’s a real option. Who better to lead America than the man who discovered it?

4. Just Anyone Random

You know, like jury duty. We hold a massive raffle, like an evil lottery and pick just one person to be the king. Maybe it could work, worth a try, right? At least then I’ll be in with a shot.

3. Me

Just throwing my hat into the ring, you know, you’ve got to be in it to win it.

2. Hillary Clinton

Everyone loves her. What’s not to like? Let’s get her in, what’s the worst she can do?

1. Donald Trump

Yeah, let’s be honest, he’s probably the most likely option. Even if he did die, there’s no way we’re finding someone to replace him. Republicans would rather embalm his corpse and turn it into an AI-powered puppet than let MAGA die. God speed to you.

And that’s our list! What to you think? Did we miss anyone? Let us know in the comments! Oh, wait we don’t have a comment section. Err, idk, fax me.

For a full (mental) breakdown of Mr. Trump, please click here: Donald Trump

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