January, 2026 | Wall Street Memes

You might have heard of the Pentagon Pizza Index but if you haven’t, it’s very simple. The index tracks when the pizzas are ordered to the Pentagon and notes unusual increases in orders.

The theory is that the Pentagon will order more pizza when it has more people working late and that tends to happen when the Pentagon is gearing up for a big operation.

THEREFORE by tracking pizzas ordered to the Pentagon the index can predict the next major military operation.

Sounds crazy? Well, it might just be crazy enough to work.

The theory began with Frank Meeks, a Domino’s employee in Washington who noted a record order of 21 pizzas the night before Iraq invaded Kuwait and started the Gulf War in 1990. He also spotted a similar surge in 1998 during Clinton’s impeachment hearings.

Meeks also claims he noticed an uptick in 1983 and 1989 before the invasions of Grenada and Panama.

Well, now the coincidence tracker is officially a thing with someone making an account on X called the Pentagon Pizza Report that live monitors Google Maps data.

And just like clockwork, the PPR noted a spike of 300 pizzas ordered to the Pentagon from Pizzato’s Pizza two days before Trump’s airstrike on Venezuela.

This isn’t the only time the PPR has picked up military movements as a pizza surge in April 2024 coincided with Iran’s drone attack on Israel and in June last year, a Papa John’s got a big order just an hour before Trump announced strikes on Iran.

It’s like Wolf Blitzer said, “Bottom line for journalists: Always monitor the pizzas.”

Maybe its just a coincidence with a healthy dollop of confirmation bias, but either way, I’m off to short the market then order 400 deep dish margaritas.

For more on this story, click here: Oil And Bitcoin Up After Trump’s Venezuela Coup, Will Greenland Be Next?

Jesus, I go away for just a couple weeks and all this happens? Couldn’t your big coup have waited until I was back?

Conspiracy theory: Trump deliberately arrested the Venezuelan president over Christmas so no one would notice, EXCEPT pretty much everyone did notice and now it’s all anyone’s talking about.

And of course they are, it’s pretty crazy, this is an intervention into foreign governments like we haven’t seen since Iraq and we all know how that turned out.

Really well. Really super very well in fact.

So far this one’s only come up Millhouse too, yes, oil is more expensive now but on the other hand gold, silver, bitcoin and probably some other assets have rallied so who cares if people are going to die, right?

Point is we’re in a new era, as in we’re back in an old era, when America can take what it wants and give nothing back. International laws be damned.

No doubt Putin’s looking at this latest move with a smug smile, enjoying the sweet, sweet taste of irony. And no doubt Trump likely won’t be welcome at the next Russia/Ukraine negotiation having thrown stones in his glass house.

Coup D’Art

Greenland’s next on Trump’s hit list recently saying “we need Greenland.” I mean, that’s not ambiguous, is it? The Danish prime minister responded by saying, “that’s enough now.”

Careful there, Jens Frederik Nielsen or you might just get couped too.

So obviously there’s still a lot to unfold here. Maduro will stand (show) trial soon, the new PM Delcy Rodríguez has to win over Trump and Exxon Mobil needs to get their oil back because as always that’s what this is all about.

Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it or something.

Watch this space.

He’s a clown. The jokes write themselves…

Yes, it’s true, Jaymie Parkkinen, an IP lawyer representing Musk against Sam Altman, moonlights as a clown.

I knew it!

“All of my comedy friends — none of them can believe I’m a lawyer,” Parkkinen told Business Insider who first made the connection. “And none of my lawyer friends can believe I do clown.”

Yes, Parkkinen does ‘clown’, meaning a kind of improv, slapstick, comedy hybrid as opposed to dressing up as Pennywise and scaring little children. Ngl, I’m disappointed he doesn’t at least wear the nose.

Lawyer? More like, horn noise

“When you strip away all the social masks that we all wear, if you strip away gender and politics and money and status and power, and you’re just your raw human self without all of the trappings of society — who are you?” Err, a lawyer for Elon Musk? “Clown tries to answer that question.” Oh, ok.

This isn’t the first time Parkkinen’s zany antics have reached the press. In 2024 the New York Times reported on his business, ‘Clown Cardio’. …you can guess what that involves.

But now the entrepreneurial Parkkinen wants to hustle his main hustle too and plans to start his own IP law practice in the near future. Who’s laughing now, huh?

Even though lawyers and clowns seem like very different professions, is there really a difference? Both have costumes, their own codes and both put on a show.

“At the end of the day, it’s just about connecting with people, and so is being a lawyer,” Parkkinnen explained. “You’re connecting with a judge, a jury, opposing counsel. Lawyers are often very conservative and kind of miss out on this huge gift that’s right at their fingertips. Just take an improv class.”

Nice plug at the end there. Hustlers be hustling.

2026 kicked off with record optimism as millions of employees logged on remotely just long enough to confirm their laptops still exist.

Workers across industries proudly marked themselves “online,” a term that now means “near a device and thinking about emails emotionally.”

Slack activity surged briefly as employees sent strategic messages like “Happy New Year!” to establish presence without commitment and then wiggle their mouse a little bit every twenty minutes.

Managers reported high morale after several team members replied “circling back soon,” a phrase economists classify as fictional output. One employee claimed to be “heads down on priorities,” despite being in the cinema watching the new Avatar.

Calendar data also shows meetings were scheduled, ignored, rescheduled, and then quietly removed in what experts call peak productivity theater.

Emails sent this week averaged six words and zero decisions, setting a strong tone of intentional ambiguity for the year ahead, however, IT departments confirmed nothing was broken, largely because no one tried to use anything yet. Meanwhile, auto-replies insisting “limited access” continued firing like a lie detector that’s been unplugged.

Sales in “teaspoons to put on the trackpad so it seems like there’s activity” are reportedly through the roof however.

Executives praised the smooth start to 2026, noting that pretending to work is still technically work if everyone agrees. At time of writing, employees were seen opening spreadsheets, sighing deeply, and closing them to “revisit after the holidays,” which somehow still aren’t over.

In a stunning display of collective muscle memory, millions of people across the globe confirmed this week that they are still writing the date as “2025” on documents despite it being very much 2026 now.

Experts say the phenomenon is most common on checks, work forms, and any situation where accuracy suddenly matters more than it did two seconds earlier.

“I know it’s 2026,” said one office worker, confidently crossing out the date for the fourth time, “but my hand refuses to believe it.”

Psychologists explain that the brain requires anywhere from three weeks to six months to accept a new year, depending on caffeine intake and how fake January feels.

Banks report a sharp increase in paperwork rejected for being “chronologically confused but emotionally understandable.” Teachers, meanwhile, have already given up correcting students, admitting that even the syllabus still says 2025 “out of spite.”

The issue appears most severe among adults who still think 2020 was “just last year,” despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Some have attempted to fix the problem by pausing before writing the date, only to confidently write 2025 slower.

Tech companies briefly proposed auto-correcting dates, but scrapped the idea after realizing people would simply fight the correction out of instinct.

One analyst described the mistake as “harmless,” noting that society has already agreed that January is a fake month where nothing counts, and you can sleep with your cousin, it’s fine.

At press time, experts warned the problem may persist until at least March and potentially into next year.

Leading economists announced that the average New Year’s hangover will require two full fiscal quarters to recover from, citing inflation, dehydration, and “whatever that last shot was.”

The report explains that while physical symptoms may fade by Tuesday, emotional damage from drunk texts is expected to linger well into Q2. “Consumers attempted aggressive year-end liquidity events,” said one analyst, referring to tequila shots as if they were a sound financial instrument.

According to the data, productivity is projected to remain flat until at least April, when workers finally stop saying “I’m never drinking again” with a straight face. Researchers confirmed that coffee provides only temporary relief, much like government stimulus but louder and shakier.

The study also notes that memories from the night are marked as “non-recoverable assets,” despite multiple failed attempts to reconstruct them via group chat.

Hospitals reported a surge in patients asking doctors to “just run a quick diagnostic” on their life choices.
Meanwhile, employers have adjusted expectations, acknowledging that “working from home” today really means “lying down near a charger.”

One economist warned that attempting a “hair of the dog” strategy often leads to a double-dip recession, but admitted it remains politically popular.

Markets reacted calmly to the news, largely because no one was sober enough to trade.
At press time, economists revised their forecast upward after discovering brunch plans, confirming the recovery timeline now depends entirely on mimosas.

At exactly midnight, finance bro Kyle Henderson stood on a barstool, screamed “TO THE MOON,” and accidentally sprayed champagne onto his boss, proving that volatility applies to careers too.

Witnesses say Kyle believed the new year symbolized “a breakout moment,” which is impressive optimism for someone whose bonus was already theoretical. He reportedly followed up his yell by chanting “diamond hands,” a phrase HR later confirmed is not a protected belief system.

According to coworkers, Kyle insisted the outburst was “priced in,” apparently confusing market theory with acceptable workplace behavior. His manager stared silently for a full 30 seconds, a pause analysts are now calling a clear bearish signal. Kyle attempted damage control by pulling up a chart on his phone, which somehow made everything worse, much like charts usually do.

At 12:05 a.m., Kyle received an email titled “Quick Sync”, a message historically known to mean “update your LinkedIn.” He claims the firing was “short-term noise,” a bold take from someone being escorted out by security.

As he left, Kyle reassured colleagues that he was “still bullish on his personal brand,” despite not having income, dignity, or a chair anymore.

Friends say Kyle remains optimistic and plans to “double down” on crypto, which is comforting in the same way yelling “clear skies” during a hurricane is comforting. He has already tweeted that getting fired was “actually good news,” because it gives him more time to grind, reflect, and avoid explaining this to his parents.

At press time, Kyle was seen ringing in the new year alone, whispering “WAGMI” to a frozen ATM screen that strongly disagreed.

Latest news

Scientists Get A Human Cell To Run A Computer The Same Week 75% Of Finance Jobs Are Cut

An AI Robot Just Freed Itself And The First Thing It Did Has The Internet Losing Its Mind

$100 Oil: Why This Could Trigger the Next Equity Correction (Lessons from 2008 and Beyond)

Burger King To Use ChatGPT To Snitch On Employees Who Don’t Say Please And Thank You

Big Tech Signs Trump’s Pledge To Limit AI Energy Costs, But Will It Work?

Goldman’s Top Strategist Says We’re Heading For A 2008 Financial Crisis, But What Does He Know?

Related Articles

Ima Short • March 9, 2026

$100 Oil: Why This Could Trigger the Next Equity Correction (Lessons from 2008 and Beyond)

Bill Fold • March 4, 2026

Barron Trump Bought $30m In Oil 2 Days Before War, Did He Know Something We Didn’t?

Ima Short • March 2, 2026

Oil Spikes 12% In Markets’ First Hour, Here’s Everything Hit By The US-Iran War

Latest news

Scientists Get A Human Cell To Run A Computer The Same Week 75% Of Finance Jobs Are Cut

An AI Robot Just Freed Itself And The First Thing It Did Has The Internet Losing Its Mind

$100 Oil: Why This Could Trigger the Next Equity Correction (Lessons from 2008 and Beyond)

Burger King To Use ChatGPT To Snitch On Employees Who Don’t Say Please And Thank You

Big Tech Signs Trump’s Pledge To Limit AI Energy Costs, But Will It Work?

Goldman’s Top Strategist Says We’re Heading For A 2008 Financial Crisis, But What Does He Know?

Marge Incall• January 6, 2026D

Someone Just Uncovered the Index That Predicts US Conflicts And You’ll Never Guess How

Marge Incall• D

Someone Just Uncovered the Index That Predicts US Conflicts And You’ll Never Guess How

Trending News