Marge Incall | Wall Street Memes

Despite repeated requests to ensure a peaceful transfer of power, musician Taylor Swift has refused to accept the election results should Donald Trump win.

“My legion of Swifties shalt rise from the earth, march upon the capitol with the crash of a thousand feet, and see those hallowed halls bathed in flame before I call that man my king,” Ms. Swift said during a concert yesterday.

With over 284 million followers on Instagram, experts predict that should Swift raise her banners, every single one of them would march on the capitol to prevent the election from being ratified.

“How canst power bestowed upon a tyrant be deemed ‘free and fair’?” Ms. Swift continued, “Were we to hand a killer his own blade, would we call that justice? Nay, I say!”

Taylor Swift has a long history of election scepticism claiming that all elections prior to her more recent endorsements were rigged. Despite having an album called, ‘Red’, Swift has criticized Republican Donald Trump for inciting violence, calling her a cat lady and heckling her during a concert.

As her Eras Tour begins its last leg, fans have noticed that Swift plays fewer and fewer songs favoring instead political rants and chants. Potentially Swift is attempting to counterbalance Trump’s rallies which now feature more music than speeches.

“When ripped from the people’s grasp a democracy will bleed and die! Slay the fiend that holds power from us! Fight! Fight! Fight!” Taytay shouted before an acoustic rendition of ‘Shake It Off’.

Of the songs remaining on the setlist, Swift has altered their lyrics to include subtle political messages. Examples include, “I’ve got a blank vote, baby, and you’ll write my name,” “I knew you were trouble when you were voted in,” and “Because baby, now we got bad blood, you know it’s a flawed electoral college system,” and so on.

Most controversially, Taylor Swift stated that, “A stolen, rigged election would be an election without a vote for Taylor Swift” Wait, what did she say? She’s running? I’m confused, I thought she supported Kamala, hold on. “A vote for Swift is a vote for me!” No, wait, she’s not running. “I have conquered music. I have conquered fashion. ALL THAT IS LEFT FOR ME TO CONQUER IS THE WORLD!” No, Taylor, stop, no, please, she’s too powerful, oh Jesus! “BOW, SERVILE BEFORE MY MIGHT, GAZE IN TERROR UPON THE GLEAMING FACE OF GOD AND SEAR THE NAME OF ‘TAYLOR’ UPON THY LIPS!!!”

After a heated Fox News grilling, Vice President Kamala Harris has made it her new rule that for all future interviews she must be allowed to bring along a life-sized standee of Donald Trump.

“It’s unfair that Trump refused to go on 60 Minutes, refused this Fox interview, but Kamala still has to do them?” said Democratic campaign strategist Tori Obleson. “I think we should be allowed to bring along a cardboard cutout of him so he can get asked the same questions and let his silence speak volumes.”

Kamala mentioned her campaign rival multiple times during ‘Bret Baier’s BBQ Bonanza!’ (as it was officially marketed) and said it would just be easier if she could have a cardboard cutout to point to. The Harris campaign will provide its own standee, as it already has a slightly damaged one left over from debate practice.

The Vice President was asked direct questions on her changing policy positions, her performance as VP, and whether she thought Biden had it all together, you know, in the mind department, all of which she dodged, often diverting back to Trump.

“She’s not running on her own, she’s not running against Biden, she’s running against Donald Trump,” continued Obleson in a weird counterargument. “Alright, I admit, she’s not a perfect candidate, but who is? That’s not the question, the question is whether she’s better than Trump and that’s why we want his cardboard cutout there in the room to remind people who she’s in contrast with. Trump. Donald Trump. You gonna vote for the crazy guy? I don’t think so. …Did I mention Donald Trump?”

When asked exactly what Kamala stood for, however, Obleson got agitated and unfolded a pocket-sized Trump standee to wave in our face.

The Harris campaign has recently focused on podcast appearances, for which a standee would be useless but Obleson already has a plan. “I have this recording of Trump speaking, but I’ve cut out all the consonants so it’s just his vowels and it sounds like a dying walrus. It’s very entertaining for me. For podcasts, that’s what we’ll do. ‘Kamala, that answer wasn’t ideal but let’s compare it to Trump’s response: *walrus noises*.’ It’s a fool-proof plan.”

For more information on the Democratic campaign head to, “Kamala Harris dot… Kam”.

Former President Donald Trump has announced his plans to establish a new state, named ‘Trumplandia’. This announcement comes hot on the heels of Maine’s decision to bar Trump from the presidential primary ballot, closely following Colorado’s lead.

“Maine and Colorado might not want him, but in Trumplandia, he’ll be on the ballot forever. It’s going to be tremendous,” an advisor declared from the gold-plated balcony of his Mar-a-Lago estate.

Trumplandia, as envisioned by Trump, will be a state like no other. Located somewhere between the realms of reality and the best bits of a Monopoly board.

The state’s constitution, reportedly being drafted on the back of a McDonald’s napkin, includes groundbreaking laws such as “The Donald is always right” and “Every day is Trump Day.”

The state’s electoral system is said to be revolutionary. “In Trumplandia, we have elections every week, and I win them all. It’s a fantastic system, really the best,” a spokesperson explained.

Political experts are baffled by this development. “It’s like he’s creating his own version of Disneyland, but instead of Mickey Mouse, we have Trump in a wig,” commented a political analyst who’s been following Trump’s career with a mix of horror and fascination.

As for the location of Trumplandia, sources close to the former president suggest it might be somewhere in international waters, possibly on a giant floating platform. “We’re not letting things like ‘international law’ or ‘basic geography’ slow us down,” a Trump aide said off the record.

In closing his announcement, the team assured Trump supporters that Trumplandia would be the greatest state ever. “It’ll be like nothing you’ve ever seen. We’ll have the best of everything – the best ballots, the best elections, and most importantly, the best president for eternity.”

In a move that industry analysts are calling “practically literal,” OpenAI has installed an oversized revolving door at its headquarters, easing the transition for the 75% of its staff reportedly planning to join former CEO Sam Altman at Microsoft.

The new door, which OpenAI’s interim CEO insists is “merely coincidental” to the mass staff exodus, is designed to accommodate the swift and seamless transfer of employees between the two tech giants. Sources say the door is equipped with Microsoft’s latest facial recognition technology to ensure that only OpenAI staff with confirmed Microsoft job offers can pass through.

“We saw the writing on the wall,” said an OpenAI spokesperson, “and we figured, why not make it a literal giant door? It’s all about efficiency.”

In an unexpected twist, the door also seems to be reversing direction occasionally. “We’ve had a few Microsoft employees come through looking confused,” the spokesperson added. “They thought this was the new AI division Sam was heading up. We had to gently guide them back through the revolving door to their Uber.”

Microsoft, in a show of solidarity, has reportedly installed a matching door at its own AI division headquarters. “It’s like a portal between companies,” said a Microsoft insider. “One moment you’re developing cutting-edge AI at OpenAI, and the next, you’re doing it at Microsoft. All it takes is a step through the magic revolving door.”

The revolving door, while practical, has not been without its challenges. “We had a minor issue where the door spun too fast and accidentally sent an OpenAI data scientist to the cafeteria instead of Microsoft,” the OpenAI spokesperson revealed. “But we’re working out the kinks.”

OpenAI’s latest innovation has not gone unnoticed by the rest of Silicon Valley. Rumor has it that other tech companies are considering similar installations. “It’s the future of employee mobility,” an industry analyst commented. “Why resign via email when you can just walk through a door?”

In a statement, Sam Altman praised the initiative: “This revolving door symbolizes the fluidity and dynamism of the tech industry. Plus, it’s pretty fun to walk through.”

As more OpenAI staff make their way through the revolving door, the only question that remains is: Will it spin in the other direction should they choose to return? “We’re keeping our options open,” said the OpenAI spokesperson, with a wink. “After all, it’s a revolving door.”

Columbus, Ohio — In a pivot from its conservative roots, Ohio is now emerging as the unlikely epicenter of progressive policies. With the legalization of marijuana and the expansion of abortion rights, the state’s unofficial new slogan, “Come for the Weed, Stay for the Abortions,” is causing both uproar and applause nationwide.

The shift began subtly but has since grown into a full-blown cultural and legislative revolution. Skeptics and traditionalists voice concerns about the state attracting a new demographic of “abortion tourists” who might choose to overindulge in the legalized cannabis. “It’s like we’re rolling out the red carpet for them,” complained a long-time resident of Dayton, reflecting the unease among some community members.

However, the progressive faction in Ohio has embraced these changes wholeheartedly. Ethel Brown, a local baker in Columbus, has become a symbol of this new era. She’s pioneering a line of cannabis-infused baked goods, offering everything from THC-laden brownies to controversial “Happy Abortion Day” cakes. “It’s about freedom of choice and expression,” Brown states, as she decorates a cake with her signature green-leaf icing.

The economic and cultural ripple effects are already being felt. Analysts anticipate a significant uptick in sales of recreational items like hacky sacks, and snack items. Surprisingly, contraceptives might see a downturn in sales, a side-effect of the relaxed stance on abortion rights.

The societal impact extends beyond economics. Ohio’s universities are witnessing a rise in applications from students eager to partake in this new social experiment. “It’s like we’ve become the new hotspot for young progressives,” notes a professor at The Ohio State University.

Conversely, the state’s more conservative residents are grappling with this rapid transformation. Town hall meetings and local forums are buzzing with debates and discussions about the long-term implications of these policies.

As Ohio charts this bold new course, it stands as a curious case study for the rest of the country. Will it become a beacon for progressive values, or is this just a momentary deviation from its traditionally conservative path? What remains clear is that Ohio, once a middle-of-the-road state, is now at the forefront of a cultural shift that defies easy categorization. Only time will reveal the true impact of its decision to say, “Come for the Weed, Stay for the Abortions.”

Are you tired of being a mere mortal among the corporate gods? Do you dream of swimming in a Scrooge McDuck-style money pool but find yourself paddling in a bowl of pennies? Fear not, my underpaid friend, for we have the secret sauce to catapult you from dining on ramen to feasting on caviar. Here are the top five absolutely sure fire ways to negotiate a better salary that are guaranteed to make you the talk of the water cooler—if not HR.

1. Choose Violence

it’s a time tested method to getting what you want, so go nuts. Tear the office to shreds, assault HR, take a dump on your bosses desk. If you can think you can overcome security, you’re surely on to a winner.

2. Blackmail

This ones a bit more sneaky, but obtain some sensitive material on the board, partners, or your boss (in the business we call it leverage). If you’d like to avoid violence, and stick more to clandestine practices this is the one for you. Illicit photos are the media of choice, but secret debt, weekend fetishes, and illegitimate children / secret families all work well.

3. Be Someone’s Son

Difficult to achieve, but if you are lucky enough to be the owner’s son, then you’re pretty much guaranteed a decent salary for doing sweet FA. Why not shoot for the stars and go for quarterly raises, a per diem, and a company Porsche while you’re at it? Side note: this method probably also allows you to take a dump on the bosses desk, or assault HR.

4. Suck Some D

I mean, this one is pretty self explanatory. It’s a dirty job, but you can’t argue with the results. It’s also the only one of these methods you can do without using your hands, and on your knees.

5. Actually Doing the Work

Keep your head down, and do the work. This is by far the longest and least likely to get you a raise. It’s not recommended, and we couldn’t find anyone actually willing to step forward to admit they have successfully negotiated a better salary employing this method.

Sources inside X have exclusively revealed that the much-anticipated bathroom renovations are “nearly complete” – a staggering year after tech Elon Musk commemorated his takeover with the purchase of a singular, rather nondescript sink.

The billionaire, known for his ventures into space tourism and electric vehicles, not to mention his knack for stirring the social media pot, marked his territory at X last year by hauling in a sink to the headquarters. He then took to the platform, tweeting, “Let that sink in.” The pun, enjoyed by millions worldwide, set the stage for what would become a 12-month comedy of errors.

Entering Twitter HQ – let that sink in! pic.twitter.com/D68z4K2wq7
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) October 26, 2022

Insiders report that after Musk slashed the staff by nearly 80%, the budget for renovations was so tight that expenditures were limited to one piece of bathroom furniture every financial quarter. “We had an entire three-month period dedicated to the procurement and installation of a toilet roll holder,” disclosed one exasperated employee, who wishes to remain anonymous due to fears of being allocated to faucet duty.

Drawing inspiration from another fellow billionaire who famously suggested that warehouse workers use bottles to avoid bathroom breaks, the remaining X staff have adopted a similar “can-do” attitude. “If Jeff’s employees can get away without bathroom breaks, so can we,” asserted one overly enthusiastic source. “Besides, we’re hyper-focused on more critical issues, like purging the platform of bots and orchestrating a fire sale of unused office equipment.”

The bathroom saga, now a running joke among the tech community, highlights the absurdities often accompanying Silicon Valley’s disruptor mindset. “We’re not just renovating a bathroom; we’re revolutionizing the way people think about bio-breaks in the digital age,” commented a staffer, currently on a waiting list to use the single operational stall.

As the X community braces for the grand unveiling of the now-mythical bathroom, the world can’t help but wonder what’s next in store. Will there be a live stream ribbon-cutting ceremony, or perhaps an NFT of the first flush? In the realm of Elon Musk, one can never predict; all we suggest is to keep your notifications on and your expectations flexible.