2025 | Wall Street Memes

In a landmark ruling, regulators announced today that Google may continue operating its Android and Chrome empires but only if it shares its data with other companies and finally admits that “Incognito Mode” is about as private as shouting your search history from a moving train.

According to the Department of Justice, Google’s so-called “Incognito” feature has “misled millions into thinking their browsing was invisible, when in reality it was like putting on sunglasses and assuming you’re invisible at a nightclub.”

The compromise lets Google keep its two most valuable products, but forces the company to pull the plug on Incognito Mode, which officials described as “essentially just regular Chrome with a trench coat and fake mustache.”

“We Found Out What You’re Really Doing at 2AM”

One DOJ lawyer explained:

“People thought Incognito Mode was like a digital invisibility cloak. Turns out, it’s more like a cardboard box over your head with holes cut out. Everyone can still see you, especially Google.”

Millions of Americans are now realizing that every late-night search for “does my cat secretly judge me” or “how to make a flamethrower with household items” has been proudly filed away in Google’s servers, next to Grandma’s Gmail chain letters.

Google stock dipped briefly after the ruling, before bouncing back when analysts remembered that Incognito Mode was mostly just used by dudes named Kyle hiding their “stepmom stuck in dryer” binges.

One trader shrugged:

“Honestly, Google losing Incognito Mode is like McDonald’s being forced to admit the McRib isn’t real meat. Everyone already knew.”

In a statement, Google said:

“We respect the court’s decision, but want to remind users that even without Incognito Mode, you can still clear your history every 6 to 8 minutes like a totally normal, well-adjusted human being.”

Meanwhile, regulators hinted that similar cases may be coming:

Apple might be asked to prove “Private Browsing” isn’t just Safari with a darker theme.

Microsoft Edge will be forced to prove someone, *anyone*, actually uses it.

Moral of the story: If you really want to browse privately, just throw your laptop in the ocean and move to a cave.

For more Goolge news, click here: Google Forced To Sell ‘G’ and Become ‘Oole’ In Antitrust Lawsuit

Master chocolatiers and occasional slave owners, Nestlé, have SACKED their chief executive for getting in the SACK with a subordinate, leading to a TUMBLE (of stocks that is).

You probably know the Swiss food company as the makers of Kit Kats, Nespresso, Nesquik, Nescafé, Nestea and Nes-restrictions-to-clean-water-in-West-Africa. BUT WHERE THEY DRAW THE LINE is when Laurent Freixe gets freaky with an employee.

Through Nestlé’s internal whistleblowing channel (nicknamed ‘Toot Sweet’) Nestlé chair Paul Buckle found out about the scandal and immediately donned a deer-stalker hat and pipe and buckled down to a full investigation.

After the plot thickened thicker than an unstirred glass of Nesquik, Buckle called in the big guns: you all know him, it’s everyone’s favorite: independent director Pablo Isla!

But even Isla couldn’t crack this case and so he reached out to an “independent outside council”, the only one who could possibly solve this mystery, the only group trained to find secret CEO affairs wherever they hide, that’s right: Coldplay.

Coldplay immediately set up a sting operation involving two concert tickets, a massive spotlight and a kiss cam. The stage was set and Freixe fell for it hook, line and sinker. Heheh, no one can resist the Play.

After piecing together the clues of the lipstick, the candlestick, and the dick-pic, Buckle immediately fired Freixe for the undisclosed relationship, deemed a clear conflict of interest. And Nestlé is NOT interested in conflict.

“This was a necessary decision,” said Buckle, sipping on a delicious Nespresso. “Nestle’s values and governance are strong foundations of our company. I thank Laurent for his years of service at Nestle.” 40 years, btw. A lifetime of work thrown to the wind in a moment of passion? And no exit package?! What a waste.

And so it ends. Well done, Nestlé, that’s another moral wrong righted. It’s time to get back to what you do best, aggressively marketing your baby formula over breastfeeding in developing nations.

Nestlé awaaayyyy!!!

For more chocolate news, click here: Kellogg Stocks Soar 5% Ahead Of Ferrero Takeover, Nutella Cornflakes Announced

Gold has reached an ATH (all-time highest amount), rising to over $3,500 an ounce for the second time, making it one of the most precious metals in the world.

The boost comes after Donald J. Trump (the president) started fresh beef with the Federal Reserve Chair Head, Jerome Powell, and threatened to fire Lisa Cook. Coupled with inflation and renewed tariffic uncertainty, investors are now, for the first time ever, turning to gold as the new “gold standard”.

Some are now saying that gold is “worth its weight in gold”; however, others are saying that it’s not. Only time (and this set of old-timey scales) will tell.

In a matter of weeks, gold-and-gold-related products might reach $4,000. Which is a lot of money to spend on golds if you’re really not planning on doing anything with it.

The dollar was once the stable currency global investors could rely on. Now, with the volatility of the dollar (dollatility if you will), investors are turning to the far more stable and never fluctuating gold for investment opportunities.

Good Old Gold

Gold has long been popular amongst money people not only because it’s shiny but also because, unlike other currencies, it’s real.

Metal buffs will tell you that gold is one of the most golden-colored metals ever discovered. When first discovered, gold prospectors saw gold as rare because they hadn’t found much of it yet.

Since then, however, much more gold has been discovered, mostly in the ground. Gold owners across the world have attempted to make gold more valuable by naming expensive things like memberships and casinos after the metal.

Only now has this investment finally paid off, making fictional characters such as Goldfinger and Scrooge McDuck over night millionaires worth millions if not billions.

For more on this story, click here over there somewhere…

In a story that was ALREADY COMPLICATED ENOUGH THANK YOU, Trump’s tariffs, which seem to go back and forth between existing and not existing just got another bump towards the void of unreality with a US appeals court ruling that the tariffs are illegal. WHat?

Idk, I really don’t know, like what’s the point, really? Was all this a waste of time? I’ve written dozens, DOZENS of these articles now and learnt nothing from the whole process. So was it all a complete waste of time? Yes.

See, I’ll do this article be like ohhh here we go the tariffs are going and then tomorrow they’ll be back up again. Like, why?

Couldn’t we have just left things as it was? I really liked the world before I even knew what a tariff was. Yeah. That world was great. Although, tbh, I still don’t know. Now sure you do either though.

I used to be someone. People used to know my name. Now I’m here telling you that a dumb thing that was dumb that maybe never happened is about to get undone. What is this Y2K?

God, I’m probably going to have to write about this lawsuit again very shortly, aren’t I? Oh jesus christ.

You ever go down to the well and haul up a bucket full of clear crisp water and take a big swig but then you get ill and die a week later? All because you didn’t realise a goat had fallen down there and died? And you’d accidentally drunk the rotten corpse? Yeah, that’s what these tariffs feel like right now. Lord help us.

In other news, Trump isn’t dead! So that’s fun. Seems like this guy can survive anything so who knows, maybe these tariffs will pull through after all.

Any way, now you’re all well informed, watch this space. Report back tomorrow and I’ll let you know what’s changed (spoiler alert: not much).

Beans team, away!

Read on:

Despite rampant rumors on TikTok, X, and French news outlet, ‘La News’, President Donald Trump is not in fact dead after all. Shit, I just lost a bet. The story began when people realised that they hadn’t seen Trump for about a week and when he was last seen it was with a mangled hand for some reason.

Think about it, when did you last see Trump? Think really hard. I’m not just talking about on the news, I’m talking in person, live in the orange flesh, when did you see this guy? You’ve never seen him with you’re own two eyes, have you? You’ve seen pictures. You’ve seen videos but how do you know he’s even real? How do you know he’s ever been real?

Anyways, turns out he was just playing golf.

Trump tweeted from his X-knock-off Truth Social that he’s alive and well, baby. “I’ve never felt better in my life,” he lied.

Vice President JD Vance was spotted shortly after Brump’s reawakening shaking his fists and muttering “drat” to himself.

Vance had previously said to USA Today that he’d “gotten a lot of good on-the-job training over the last 200 days” and was ready to inherit the role of president.

It really feels like we go through this cycle with every president, every major figure. We don’t hear from them in a little while and everyone assumes they’re dead. Yes, that happened to be true of my cat, Barnston, who had fallen into a storm drain and we only found like a week later all mangled up on the beach, but that doesn’t mean it’s true of everyone.

So Trump’s not dead, in fact, he’s back to work on the Lisa Cook anti-hype train who retaliated with a lawsuit that Crump is just ITCHING to settle. For more on that story, click here you chump: Trump Fires Fed Governor, Powell Unlikely To Reach Apprentice Season Finale

Ok, I admit that’s a slightly misleading headline to get you to click on this article, shoot me. You see, Anthropic, makers of the AI ‘Claude’, have reached a preliminary settlement BUT they don’t have to cough up a trillion smackerloonies, that would be crazy. No, that’s just what some calculate to be the worst-case scenario.

How they calculated it idk, I guess just added up every Claude prompt at 10% royalties? Yeah, not sure that’s how that works. Either way, even if the numbers a lot lower, it could potentially cripple the AI company.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to explain what the suit was about. So it’s basically a bunch of authors, like of books and things, have got together to say that Claude being trained on their work then selling it as a product is copyright infringement and ngl yeah, I think it might be.

Either way this sets a crazy precedent for the rest of the AI industry (AII if you will). Can just anyone sue if their work gets used?

Will the New York Times suit against OpenAI and Disney’s suit against Midjourney pull through after all?

Only time (and a judge) will tell.

In the meantime pretty much half this site’s content is AI generated so I guess we’re going down too. What I’m going to do to avoid having to pay any pos author is rewrite everything AI has ever written on this site. I’m going to go through with a fine tooth comb and a thesaurus and swap out every single word for a synonym. And I’m going to start with this next paragraph:

A synonym a synonym a synonym a synonym a synonym a synonym. A synonym a synonym a synonym. a synonym, a synonym a synonym, a synonym a synonym. A synonym a synonym, “A synonym, a synonym a synonym a synonym; a synonym?”

You know what, this is going to take forever… imma just get an AI to do it.

What you gonna do, SUE ME?!

(thisarticlewaswrittenwiththeassistanceofanAI)

For more unreadably AI news, read this one: OpenAI To Sell Shares For $500 Billion Valuation According To ChatGPT

During a recent earnings call, Nvidia CFO Colette Kress said that the U.S. Government “has not published a regulation codifying such requirement.” The ‘such requirement’ being the 15% cut of H20 (water) chip sales to China China, meaning that those sales just ain’t happening, buster.

Nvidia then went on to say that “any request for a percentage of the revenue by the USG may subject us to litigation, increase our costs, and harm our competitive position and benefit competitors that are not subject to such arrangements.” Wait, what? I thought they already agreed to it?

It’s a real shame, because otherwise Nvidia’s had a really good run lately. They beat out all of Wall Street’s estimates for the quarter. $46.7 billion revenue. 56% year on year jump. $26.4 billion profit. That’s a 59% jump in quarterly profits. Themes is some sweet sweet number.

But with no sales to China China China China the company is now seeing a 3%, no wait, 4% now, slump. Well, it’s just swings and roundabouts isn’t it.

Look, Trump’s got better things to do than push through this whole 15% kickback thing. He’s got a Nobel Prize to win, Epsteins to distance himself from, logo rebrands to critique and China to China China China China China China. Yes, Nvidia is the backbone of America’s chip industry (not like those losers over at Intel) and yes, this was the government’s idea in the first place but hey, whadayagonnado?

Tech innovation, meet government bureaucracy.

China.

Oh wait, there is one more thing. Trump did float that maaaaaybe he’d be open to Nvidia selling a version of their Blackwell processor to China (China). I guess just completely forgetting the H20 deal. On the earnings call, Nvidia did say this was a real possibility.

So what’s going to happen next? I don’t know. Why you looking at me? I’m not a fortune teller. Jesus. Why don’t you go read some actual news for once.

Or if you really hate yourself, you can keep reading this site here: ChatGPT Grows $100 Portfolio 23%, Outperforming S&P 500

Yeah, OpenAI isn’t publicly traded yet so don’t even try it. If you want to, you need the company’s written consent. Now a lot of people haven’t got that memo so OpenAI has had to write a blog post EXPLAINING to you MORONS that anyone trying to sell you OpenAI shares is a scammer.

By the way, do you want to buy some OpenAI shares? Hmu.

It’s a specific type of scam that’s becoming a new gold rush. They’re called special purpose vehicles or SPVs which allow multiple people to by shares in one transaction. When unauthorized, yeah, that’s a scam.

Bad actors will claim to have big stocks to sell in buzzy companies like OpenAI, charge an extortionate transaction fee then run off with your money before you can realise that they never had any such stocks in the first place.

Sam Altman’s company clarified that, “not every offer of OpenAI equity (or exposure to it) is problematic,” just, you know, most. “If so, the sale will not be recognized and carry no economic value to you.” Unless you collect scams, in which case, hmu.

But yeah, avoid these, they are obviously illegal.

You know what else is illegal? Running a not-for-profit company for profit. Not that I’m looking at anyone in particular. It’s not like OpenAI is now valued at $500 billion dollars in money or anything.

This is a 66.7% increase from the previous $300 billion valuation, making it the most valuable startup in the world, says ChatGPT.

SpaceX is currently the most valuable start-up in the world at $350 billion, with ByteDance valued at $315 billion (can we even call these start-ups at this point? My cousin Denneth sells homemade pogs out of this garage, now THAT’S a start-up).

As ChatGPT explains, OpenAl plans a multi-billion-dollar secondary sale in which current and former employees would be able to cash out their stock options.

ChatGPT also explained that OpenArtificialIntelligence is pretty cool and a great place to work and definitely worth $500 billion dollars worth of money if you’re in the market.

Half a trillion dollars seems like a wild amount of money, but let’s look at the facts. AI is huge business right now. We’re in the middle of an AI boom, in case you hadn’t noticed. Weekly ChatGPT users are now at 700 million, Meta is going all in on their AI department, and Google now has an AI mode so that Denneth’s Homemade Pogs Dot Com isn’t even listed anymore.

Heck, I think the king of the tech landscape as we see it, OpenAI SHOULD be given all the money. $500 billion? For holding up the entire economy? Nay, country, nay, America? Phhhff, I think it’s worth infinite money. In fact, we should give them infinite money. In fact, we should all make a pledge to give our lives to OpenAI for the rest of time. WHEN WE DIE OPENAI SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO SCAN OUR BRAINS TO HELP TRAIN THEIR LARGE LANGUAGE MODELS.

(This article was written by ChatGPT.)

Like, just take a look at this crazy story: Elon Musk Makes Compelling New Offer For OpenAI: “I’ll Leave You Alone”

After learning nothing from Jaguar’s disastrous rebrand last year, Cracker Barrel recently unveiled a redesigned logo that everyone hated. The sleeker, more minimalist design removed the image of the cracker and the barrel, because honestly, with the text too, it was just a hat on a hat.

But now, after massive backlash and a 7% share drop, the crackers over at the barrel have caved to the pressure and reverted back to the old logo, in what might be the most expensive branding U-turn since HBO rebranded as HBO GO, then HBO NOW, then HBO max, then just ‘max’, then back to HBO max, before finally combining them all into HBO GO NOW MAX!

Take that, communists.

Related: Jaguar Opts For No Logo At All After Rebrand Backlash

The change was somehow dragged into America’s ongoing culture war and dubbed a ‘woke’ rebrand. Because remember, ‘woke’ is a catch-all word that simply means anything that you don’t like. Please, use it liberally. (Unless you’re an actual liberal, in which case don’t you fucking dare.)

Honestly, the old one always creeped me out. Why are you staring at me? What do you know? WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

Even President Trump (whose favorite pastime is ‘getting in on the nonsense’) got in on the nonsense, saying, “Congratulations ‘Cracker Barrel’ on changing your logo back to what it was. All of your fans very much appreciate it”. Like, wtf, ‘fans’? Who cares?

I get it, it was a bad redesign, going the way of so many modern logos: flat, simple and just a bit more boring, all in an effort to look better on an iPhone screen. But the backlash has been a bit much, guys, let’s rein it in. Why is the President weighing in? Shouldn’t he be busy having sex with children or whatever it is presidents do?

Cracker Barrel’s Muffled Response From Inside A Barrel

Anyway, here’s the company’s full statement: “We thank our guests for sharing your voices and love for Cracker Barrel. We said we would listen, and we have. Our new logo is going away and our ‘Old Timer’ will remain. At Cracker Barrel, it’s always been – and always will be – about serving up delicious food, warm welcomes, and the kind of country hospitality that feels like family. As a proud American institution, our 70,000 hardworking employees look forward to welcoming you to our table soon.”

Thanks ChatGPT for that one…

By the way, don’t you just love how the committee-ised marketing speak statements always spin everything into a positive, desperately avoid admitting any mistake and somehow manage to ram in an advert in there?

It’s never, “Yeah, we fucked up, lol.” It’s always, “Here at Baby-Organ Harvesting Corp, we’re proud of our dozens of customers who are always keen to speak up. Well, we hear you! As of today, we’ll be reinstating our mascot Baby Bucher Billy on all branding material at all 400 of our worldwide, award-winning, currently open stores.” Like, just shut up, please.

Maybe we all got played, maybe this was all a big marketing stunt to make headlines and HBO knew exactly what they were doing this whole time…

For more on this topic, click here: Trump Awards Sydney Sweeney Presidential Medal of Freedom for “Saving The Economy”

President ‘The President’ Donald Trump has FIRED Federal Reserve official Lisa Cook, just like in that one TV show he was on, opening up a clear shot for Jerome Powell to get pow pow POWED!

Cook however said she would not resign and that Trump can’t fire her and that they’d have to get one thousand cheetahs to forcibly remove her from the premises if they wanted her gone.

But Trump says the constitution allows it and it’s all because Cook made false statements on her mortgage agreements. What? Don, Don, Don, Don, Don, I think you might need a long long look in the mirror if you’re gonna talk about frauding financial documents.

Lisa ‘Not Lizzo’ Cook is on the board of peeps that determines interest rates which is the main thing that Trump wants a-changing and he will stop a NOTHING, including breaking the law to change it.

She was also appointed by J’Biden, so there’s that.

Trump posted his letter to Cook on Truth Social (what does ‘truth social’ even mean?), claiming that Cook lied about where her primary residency was. “It is inconceivable that you were not aware of your first commitment when making the second,” Trump said.

What Trump forgets, however, is that I don’t care.

Here’s the letter, but honestly, I wouldn’t bother reading it, it’s really boring.

Markets reacting to all this with just a lil dip, just a lil one, but since the war’s heating up who knows what’s gonna happen as things progress. Maybe someone will die? Who knows?

“If Trump succeeds in replacing Cook, could he reshape the Fed’s composition and how would that impact the market’s perception on US investability?” said Julia Lee, head of client coverage for FTSE Russell. Oh my god please stop I already said I don’t care.

Jay Powell, if you’re reading this, we love you and miss you. Come home.

Right, that’s enough news. If you want to keep the party going, click here for our TOP 10 PICKS TO REPLACE JEROME POWELL!

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