Trump Plans Own State Where He’s Always on the Ballot

Former President Donald Trump has announced his plans to establish a new state, named ‘Trumplandia’. This announcement comes hot on the heels of Maine’s decision to bar Trump from the presidential primary ballot, closely following Colorado’s lead.

“Maine and Colorado might not want him, but in Trumplandia, he’ll be on the ballot forever. It’s going to be tremendous,” an advisor declared from the gold-plated balcony of his Mar-a-Lago estate.

Trumplandia, as envisioned by Trump, will be a state like no other. Located somewhere between the realms of reality and the best bits of a Monopoly board.

The state’s constitution, reportedly being drafted on the back of a McDonald’s napkin, includes groundbreaking laws such as “The Donald is always right” and “Every day is Trump Day.”

The state’s electoral system is said to be revolutionary. “In Trumplandia, we have elections every week, and I win them all. It’s a fantastic system, really the best,” a spokesperson explained.

Political experts are baffled by this development. “It’s like he’s creating his own version of Disneyland, but instead of Mickey Mouse, we have Trump in a wig,” commented a political analyst who’s been following Trump’s career with a mix of horror and fascination.

As for the location of Trumplandia, sources close to the former president suggest it might be somewhere in international waters, possibly on a giant floating platform. “We’re not letting things like ‘international law’ or ‘basic geography’ slow us down,” a Trump aide said off the record.

In closing his announcement, the team assured Trump supporters that Trumplandia would be the greatest state ever. “It’ll be like nothing you’ve ever seen. We’ll have the best of everything – the best ballots, the best elections, and most importantly, the best president for eternity.”

Georgia Pharmacies To Sell “Oregano” Instead of Marijuana After DEA Ruling

Following the DEA’s recent ruling, pharmacies across Georgia have begun selling a curious new product labeled “Oregano.” This move comes after the DEA firmly stated that the sale of marijuana by these establishments was not permitted. However, local pharmacies seem to have found a loophole, as the ‘Oregano’ being sold is suspiciously similar to marijuana, but of course, purely for culinary purposes.

The organic “Oregano” is hitting the shelves at a price point that remarkably matches what one would typically pay for marijuana. Packaged in individually sealed bags to preserve freshness, or for the more environmentally conscious, in paper-wrapped single servings that bear an uncanny resemblance to a certain type of rolled cigarette, this ‘Oregano’ is raising more than a few eyebrows.

One enthusiastic local pharmacist extolled the virtues of their newest product, “This Oregano is fantastic for cooking, especially if you’re into smoking – meats, obviously. It’s also great for those struggling with chronic pain and arthritis.” Eyebrows were raised at the mention of smoking, but the pharmacist assured it was all in the context of culinary endeavors.

Despite the high quality of this ‘Oregano,’ not all residents are thrilled. Complaints about the strong, distinctive smell have been wafting in, much to the chagrin of those with a less refined palate. On the other hand, active consumers of the product are over the moon, praising its exceptional taste and purported health benefits. Efforts to obtain a comment from one regular user were futile, as they were deeply engrossed in a game of hacky sack, a common pastime among ‘Oregano’ aficionados.

As Georgia’s pharmacies continue to roll out this premium “Oregano,” the line between culinary spice and recreational herb blurs. In the meantime, the DEA has yet to comment on this innovative workaround, possibly busy updating their spice racks.

Ashley Biden joins family tradition by forgetting to pay taxes

Tax amnesia seems to be running in the first family as latest reports have exposed Ashley Biden owing thousands in income taxes. 

In doing so, the daughter of the US president has joined her brother, Hunter Biden, who is supposed to pay at least $1.4 million for years 2016 through 2019. 

After all, the Biden family is known for their heartwarming tales of unity and love. But, the charming display of sibling rivalry comes with not-so-much of a competition as Ashley opted for a more modest sum of $5,000. 

In the parallel storyline of her brother, Hunter is the trailblazer in the family, especially when it comes to money matters. He is the reigning champion with his high-profile tax escapades setting a rather lofty standard. 

Ashley’s approach, on the other hand, revolves around the subtle art of oversight. Where Hunter’s tax narrative reads like a thrilling novel, Ashley’s is more of a short story.

“It’s all about baby steps for Ashley. Why go big on tax evasion when you can start small and work your way up?”commented a family advisor who wishes to remain anonymous.

In a family where dinner table conversations should presumably revolve around tax fairness and fiscal responsibility, the Bidens would rather be laughing at the ones paying taxes.

Sources close to the family say that Ashley might have misunderstood her father’s speeches on tax evasion as ‘family advice’ rather than political rhetoric. 

With a professional background in social work and activism, one can only wonder how she ended up in the midst of a tax oversight saga. 

Perhaps Ashley is just trying to empathize with the common Americans’ struggle with tax codes. Or maybe she is bringing forth a new “Do As We Say, Not As We Do” policy.

Whatever is the case, the sibling duo have now become pioneers of a financial approach that blends forgetfulness and avant-garde accounting in the White House. It has definitely set a new bar for fiscal responsibility—or lack thereof.

Research Shows Running Away from Responsibilities Burns More Calories

Experts have unveiled a new exercise trend that’s sweeping the nation: literally running away from responsibilities. This innovative approach to fitness, aptly named “Responsibility Evasion Cardio Treatment” (RECT), is being hailed as the ultimate solution for those looking to burn calories and avoid the daunting tasks of adult life.

The founder of RECT, Jenny Sprinter, explains, “We’ve found that the adrenaline rush from dodging responsibilities is a fantastic calorie burner. Plus, it’s way more exhilarating than a treadmill.”

Participants of RECT are encouraged to create a list of their most pressing responsibilities, ranging from paying bills to answering work emails. Once the list is complete, they are instructed to physically run in the opposite direction whenever they think about these tasks.

Early adopters of the trend report significant weight loss, increased stamina, and an unparalleled sense of freedom. “I’ve never felt more alive,” says Mark Evader, a long-time practitioner. “As soon as I feel the urge to clean my house, I just put on my sneakers and run to the nearest coffee shop. The pounds are melting away!”

However, not everyone is on board with this unconventional fitness method. Critics argue that while RECT may offer short-term health benefits, it could lead to long-term life complications. Financial advisor Penny Saver warns, “Those miles might be piling up, but so are your unpaid bills.”

Despite the controversy, RECT classes are popping up in gyms across the country, offering a sanctuary for those looking to combine fitness with a carefree lifestyle. The classes typically end with a group cool-down session, where participants relax and share tips on how to evade more responsibilities.

As this new fitness craze continues to gain momentum, it’s clear that running away from responsibilities might just be the path to a healthier, albeit more chaotic, life.

COP28 delegates fly 50,000 miles to agree fossil fuels are bad

It took the world 28 years to realize that fossil fuels might be a bit problematic for our planet’s health. 

Delegates from around the world had to collectively fly a staggering 50,000 miles to reach a city that gleams with oil money and a rather casual approach to human rights in order to reach this revelation.

The historic deal of committing to a transition away from all fossil fuels was the highlight of this year’s COP28, an annual reminder that the Paris Agreement is still a thing. The agreement is as groundbreaking as discovering that the Earth orbits the sun.

The summit, which could easily have been an email or an online meeting, turned out to be a carbon footprint fiesta in a country where the term is often misunderstood for a fancy shoe showroom. 

Environmental crusaders from all corners of the globe gathered in air-conditioned conference rooms, sipping water from expensive and customized stainless steel refillable bottles, to discuss how to save the planet from the very practices that got them there. 

Skeptics, like a few first-world countries that have already done their part in using most of the world’s fossil fuels, were in plenty. But they seemed convinced, not by the urgency of melting ice caps or the charm of polar bears on thin ice, but by the gentle, non-binding language of the agreement. 

At this point, they are just glad that certain phrases like fossil fuel “phase out” were not used. Moving away from oil and gas will do for now. No previous COP text has dared to mention the same too, perhaps because it’s hard to write such things with a pen sponsored by an oil company.

What finally pushed them into signing the deal was a 12-year-old protester who burst onto the stage with a sign that read: “End fossil fuels. Save our planet and our future”. This little environmentalist was the only one who managed to succinctly capture the essence of the summit’s goal, something that hundreds of suited-up delegates seemed to struggle with.

“It’s like we’re on the Titanic, and we’ve just agreed that the iceberg is indeed a problem. Now let’s see if we can steer this ship around in time”, commented a local environmentalist.

As the delegates pat themselves on the back and fly back home, tallying up those air miles, one can only hope that the irony of the situation isn’t lost at 30,000 feet. At least, they will be comforted by the thought that they’ve agreed to agree on something.

Man Claims E3 Cancellation Has Given Him ‘Time to Reflect’, Still Spends 18 Hours a Day Gaming

In the wake of the recent cancellation of the Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3), many in the gaming community have been left pondering their next moves. Among them is 28-year-old Alex Martin, who, in an exclusive interview, shared his deep reflections on life without the beloved event and his subsequent decisions. Surprisingly, or perhaps not, Martin’s soul-searching journey led him right back to his gaming chair.

“I really thought this would be a turning point for me,” Martin said, staring wistfully at his impressive, yet now slightly redundant, collection of E3 memorabilia. “I figured, ‘Hey, no E3, time to explore new horizons.’ But after some intense contemplation, which lasted about the duration of a coffee break, I realized my true calling: to continue my 14th playthrough of the witcher 3”

Despite the potential for newfound freedom, Martin admits that his daily routine remains largely unchanged. “I guess some would say I should use this time to learn a new skill, maybe pick up knitting or finally start that podcast about retro games. But honestly, I’ve found great comfort in the familiar glow of my triple-monitor setup.”

Martin’s mother, Susan, who had initially celebrated the news of E3’s cancellation, hoping her son would venture into new pursuits or, at the very least, fix the squeaky door in the living room, expressed her mild disappointment. “I had high hopes that Alex would use this time to explore new interests. Maybe even go on a date. But he just keeps gaming. His bed sores are getting worse, as is the smell.'”

Having doubled down on gaming time, Martin has taken to wearing an adult diaper whilst gaming, stating, “It’s all about efficiency – If I take bathroom breaks then I’m wasting my time.

As the gaming community continues to grapple with the loss of their annual pilgrimage, stories like Martin’s serve as a reminder of the resilience and adaptability of gamers. “E3 was like Christmas for us gamers,” Martin said, pausing his game for a rare moment of reflection. “But I’ve got my games, my chair, and my diapers Life goes on, one level at a time.”

In the absence of E3, Martin and countless others like him are finding solace in the familiar worlds contained within their consoles and computers, proving that even in the face of change, some habits die hard, if at all.

Elon Musk’s new “Freedom Squad” features Alex Jones and Andrew Tate 

Elon Musk, Alex Jones, and Andrew Tate have formed an alliance that is less Avengers and more like a group project where everyone forgot to do their homework. 

Dubbed the “Freedom Squad,” this trio is setting out on a crusade to save free speech, or at least their version of it. This was unveiled in a recent X Spaces conversation that felt like a bizarre crossover episode no one asked for.

It comes just a day after Musk held an unscientific poll on whether Jones should be allowed back on X after being banned in 2018 for breaching the site’s rules on abusive behavior. 

About 70% of roughly two million respondents voted to lift the ban, bringing the American conspiracy theorist back on the platform in a display of Musk’s commitment to his free speech ethos.

In a nearly three-hour talkathon, the three shared their views on everything from space colonization to conspiracy theories, wrapped in the banner of free speech. 

The first to enter is Alex Jones, the man who turned conspiracy theorizing into an artform. He brings to the table a wealth of experience in saying things that definitely get people talking. Whether or not those things are rooted in reality is a different story altogether.

Jones expressed his gratitude to Musk for being allowed back into the digital public square. “The only thing you own is your soul and integrity”, he added in his statement that left even the most seasoned philosophers scratching their heads. 

“Musk is overturning the power structure, he is changing the entire paradigm”, said Jones, praising Musk’s efforts in “getting the system scared”. He even pledged to do all his Christmas shopping from X sponsors in an attempt to show his support to the free speech crusader. 

If this wasn’t enough for the day, Tate, who faces charges of rape and human trafficking, also chimed in. With a unique blend of bravado and business ‘advice,’ Tate is the wildcard of the group. 

Calling Musk a “hero”, he said: “This simple purchase of the website [X] has cracked the matrix in real time”. He then advised young men to pursue wealth, fast cars, and gym memberships, emphasizing non-compliance to the system.

Together, this trio is embarking on a mission to champion free speech, with Musk tweeting: “Free speech is essential for a functioning democracy” and who better to help him with that than a man who thinks chemicals in the water are turning the frogs gay and the “most googled man in the world”.

Critics are calling this the ‘League of Extraordinary Gentlemen,’ if the gentlemen in question were less about fighting supernatural threats and more about fighting the ‘threat’ of not being able to say whatever pops into their heads.

In response to the news, Twitter’s servers are reportedly considering early retirement, and the fact-checking industry is experiencing a boom, calling this an unexpected economic stimulus.

So, grab your popcorn, folks. The Musk-Jones-Tate trio is ready to take on the world. It will definitely be a show worth watching, but from a very, very safe distance.

Trump to only be a Dictator on day one

Former President Donald Trump seeks to introduce a new dictator diet plan for the next time he is in power. It comes with the proposition of losing democracy in just a day. 

Forget intermittent fasting, Americans can now get a taste of intermittent dictatorship when Trump would close the border and “drill, drill, drill” on the first day of his hypothetical second term. 

“Think of it as a quick cleanse”, suggested Trump, “but instead of losing toxins, you lose constitutional norms just for a day!” This is how the Republican presidential frontrunner answered questions on authoritarianism in his recent appearance on Fox News. 

“It’s like saying you’ll only be a vegetarian between meals. I mean, who needs a full term of dictatorship when you can apparently achieve all your authoritarian goals before breakfast?”, expressed a commentator, who wishes to remain anonymous. 

Much like a Netflix free trial, Trump assured that this one-day-only dictatorship would be non-committal. “If you don’t like it, you can always go back to democracy the next day”, he declared in the interview. 

Critics, however, are wary. As one political analyst noted, “History shows these trial runs tend to have automatic renewals that are very hard to cancel”. 

What would attract certain Americans more is it being a balanced diet of power and panic. It would be the perfect amalgamation of out-of-the-box executive orders and Trump’s infamous inflammatory tweets. 

On top of this, the best part is that no exercise would be required! The only lifting citizens will have to do would be lifting restrictions on their own power. 

While Trump is busy attacking Joe Biden and dodging debates, people like Mark Esper (former defense secretary during the Trump administration) have been raising alarms about the dangers of his potential re-election​. 

Recently, the former President’s choice of words has been more vintage dictator than modern-day politician. He was seen throwing around terms like ‘vermin’ to describe some of his political opponents. 

While every diet plan comes with its own side-effects, it could potentially be international condemnation, domestic unrest, or even impeachment in particular this case. One can now only hope that Americans would consult their political advisor before overthrowing the established order.

Saylor’s Erection Now Visible From Space as BTC Gains Swell

Michael Saylor, the former CEO of MicroStrategy, has achieved a financial feat so grand it’s literally visible from space. 

Sources from various space agencies report an unusual structure extending from Earth’s surface, identified as Saylor’s erection, now breaching the stratosphere. The boner is believed to be an abnormal green colour, brought on by BTC’s recent surge above $43,000.

“We thought it was a new satellite at first,” commented a NASA astrophysicist, squinting at her monitor. “We see green dildos quite often on our screens – a lot of our tech guys are crypto degens – but this one was clearly human.”

The erection’s growth trajectory, triggered by Bitcoin nearing the $42,000 mark, has left both astronomers and economists in awe. The former for its unexpected appearance in their telescopes, and the latter for its sheer size, rivaling some of the biggest financial hard-ons in history.

MicroStrategy acquired their most recent bag of BTC at the end of November, spending $593.3 million for 16,130 BTC more at an average price of $36,785 each. The company has spent a total of just under $5.3 billion to build an astronomical portfolio of 174,530 BTC over three years. 

At $42,000, that’s an unrealized gain of over $2 billion… and rising. Not surprising that Saylor, who was often ridiculed during the bear market, is rising too.

In response to whether he plans to cash in on these unrealized gains, Saylor just winked and pointed upwards.

Meanwhile, employees at MicroStrategy have taken up astronomy as a hobby, not out of interest for celestial bodies, but to keep track of their boss’s skyrocketing ‘portfolio’. “We’ve replaced coffee breaks with telescope breaks,” an anonymous employee blushed.