January, 2026 | Wall Street Memes

You need enough followers. Like Jesus.

I don’t care any more, I have no shame, what, you thought I had shame? No, I’m doing it, I’m sharing my feet pics.

You think I’ve got ugly feet? Bitch, it doesn’t matter, people love ugly feet. I need that Visa, my Honduran travel visa expired 18 months ago and I’ve been working at an organic armadillo ranch on the sly this whole time. They pay me in cash and armadillo teeth and don’t ask questions but I think they’re starting to get suspicious so I need to bounce real soon.

Look, this visa was designed for painters and musicians and interesting people, but you know what else is art? Big boobies. Yeah, I said it, cancel me.

Turns out the immigration office switched to a more algorithmic adjudication system which made it much easier to game with big numbers like follower count and subscription earnings.

These are O-1B visas and they have blown up 50% in the last decade, partially because it’s a bit easier to get in that way.

I want to be in Ame-ri-ca.

But here’s the thing no one’s talking about: we NEED onlyfans stars, we need them here and we need them now.

They are the lifeblood of this economy. Hell, if anyone understands the American Dream it’s a scrappy young Turkish woman just trying to make a living the only way she knows how and that’s selling electric fans on the internet.

They keep you cool, increase airflow, I really don’t know what’s not to like. Why is everyone complaining here? I say let them in!

I for one am a fan.

Jerome Powell just got supeenered, wait, suibpoened, no… subpoenaed? …that doesn’t look right, what is that, Greek? What’s it in English? Anyway, Powell just got asked to testify to the DoJ about the Fed renovations and really, we’re still on this? Ugh.

And before I go off on one, yes, you will believe his response, it’s actually very reasonable.

Powell said, “This is about whether the Fed will be able to continue to set interest rates based on evidence and economic conditions, or whether instead monetary policy will be directed by political pressure or intimidation”

“I have deep respect for the rule of law and for accountability in our democracy,” he continued. “No one, certainly not the chair of the Federal Reserve is above the law, but this unprecedented action should be seen in the broader context of the administration’s threats and ongoing pressure.”

Like everything Trump does, this is so OBVIOUS and brazen. This is not about the Fed building renovations, we’ve been through this, let’s move on, please. No, this is another attack on the Fed for being independent and not bowing to Trump’s pressure.

The whole point is that the Fed is independent of the executive branch, if it’s not and the President can set interest rates then it has literally no purpose and we take one step closer to autocracy.

Yes, Trump can now invade a country, overthrow its leader and declare himself king but that doesn’t mean he can do it on home soil too. Powell isn’t some despot hoarding oil, he’s just some guy…

The dollar has obviously dipped because of this news. Surprise, surprise, attacking your own financial institutions is bad for your economy…

I know that sounds like a threat from a supervillain, but it’s true…

For the first time in forever, the US will have a declining population rate. And that’s good news, right? Overpopulation is a bad thing because there are not enough houses, economy something, something, etc?

WRONG.

Population growth is ESSENTIAL to economic growth. If too many people are dying and we’re not having enough babies THE ECONOMY WILL SHRINK AND THAT’S BAD.

If we want population growth we’re going to have to rely on disgusting things like immigration and cloning and in vitro fertilization. Ew.

These new numbers come from the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) who previously said it would take another decade to get to this point. I THOUGHT I STILL HAD TIME!!!

Economy? More like eCONomy

This will fundamentally change the very fabric of American society. As it has done in Italy, Japan and the UK, an aging population can lead to a rise in dependency, an end of life care crisis, a decline in military strength, a decline in innovation, deflation, unemployment, volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, COVID again, and death.

So yeah, not good.

Maybe Donald ‘The President’ Trump will foresee this issue and incentivise immigration, people to start families and for everyone to die a bit less.

The way I see it, that’s the only solution: immortality.

I for one am putting all my money on Bryan Johnson to save us all.

That and cloning. Yeah, cloning would be cool.

Err… No.

Walmart just launched a new crypto app called OnePay, allowing customers to trade Ether, Bitcoin and even buy 14 green pleather couches with crypto.

But the real question, the question that everyone’s asking, the one answer everyone’s waiting for, the very thing that people want to know is can you buy assault rifles with fartcoin?

It’s a great question, especially considering I own a LOT of fartcoins and I have always wanted to shoot up a school and this way, perhaps my two greatest passions could come together in sweet harmony.

Walmart? More like walfart…

Currently it looks like OnePay only handles BTC/ETH trading so it looks like I’ll have to spend my farts elsewhere.

But maybe someday that will change as Walmart is positioning the app to be an everything app, combing a loyalty card with a crypto trading platform and it’ll even call you ‘Denny Big Dick’ if you change your name in the settings.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to launder all my ill gotten gains EXCLUSIVELY through Walmart.

For more Walmart news, read this: Walmart Just Reported Record Earnings And Here’s Why

Corruption? No, that’s the guy we arrested, not US…

An anonymous crypto gambler netted almost half a million on a Polymarket bet that Maduro would be out just two days before he was ousted by Trump and if you can smell something fishy with that then you might just have a future in law enforcement.

Just five hours before the kidnapping, the secret better doubled down on their bet, implying that he (OR SHE) may have been privy to some of that tasty, tasty insider information.

The account was only one week old at the time of the bet and sure, maybe this brand new user got very lucky and cashed out immediately then disappeared, or…

Or they knew something that no one else did.

Well, people are taking note and in response to this story, Democrat Richie Torres announced a bill to crack down on government officials trading on prediction markets.

Maduro? more like, U Mad Bro?

It might be an uphill battle however as it seems that the powers that be paved the way for said insider trading.

As Futurism explains: “Back in October, Reuters reported that the Trump Media and Technology Group was working with Crypto.com to implement prediction market functionality into Truth Social. That came as dozens of federal investigations into crypto-based price fixing, securities fraud, and regulatory noncompliance have been dropped at the Trump administration’s urging. Two of those cases were against prediction platforms Polymarket —the very same implicated in the Venezuela allegations — and Kalshi, for selling options contracts related to congressional elections.”

Yep, this one goes all the way to the top.

Let’s circle back to this story in a couple years when it all comes out that Trump himself made the bet and is laughing all the way to the bank.

For more on this story, click here: Venezuela To Send US $2.8 Billion In Oil, Here’s Trump’s 5 Wildest Demands

“The Board unanimously determined that the Paramount’s latest offer remains inferior to our merger agreement with Netflix across multiple key areas,” said WBD’s chair, Samuel A. Di Piazza, Jr. III esq.

WDB Cooper also reaffirmed their binding deal with Netflix meaning that ‘Warnet Broflix’ is looking more likely with every passing day.

And even though Paramount has the higher offer ($108 billion to Netflix’s 83), the WBoard says it’s “illusory”.

Firstly, Netflix would continue with WBD’s plan to lose the D and just be WB again. This way they can dump all their losing assets and dump a ton of debt. THIS WAS THE PLAN FROM THE START BEFORE EVERYONE EVEN OFFERED TO BUY THEM.

But Paramount want to buy the whole thing outright, loss, debt and two smoking barrels. Why? Who knows. Why don’t they change their offer to suit WB? Who knows. This is money people we’re talking about and if you claim you can understand Hollywood accounting then call me.

And the Warner Bros board see that debt retention as a bizarre move.

On top of that, Paramount’s offer is on shaky ground after Jared Kushner’s equity firm pulled out and with a consortium of Middle Eastern investors to plug the gap things have only gotten sheikhier.

“Paramount’s offer continues to provide insufficient value, including terms such as an extraordinary amount of debt financing that create risks to close and lack of protections for our shareholders if a transaction is not completed.”

So with Netflix WB on the horizon, here are the top 45 crossovers we want to see:

45: Harry Potter vs. Stranger Things

Let’s be honest, HP would DESTROY. Harry vs. Eleven. Vecna vs. Voldemort. Hagrid vs. Jim Hopper but he’s got a gun. It’s no contest. Avadaca-these-nutz. (that’s the tagline)

44: Emily In Westeros

It’ll be a charming, light hearted tour through the Seven Kingdoms. And at the end, Emily can get beheaded. What’s not to like?

43: Squid Game Squarepants

Watch Patrick Star fight for his life in a murderous obstacle course of doom. It’s ok because it’s a critique of capitalism!

(To see entires 42-1, please subscribe to Wall Street Memes Premium)

For more on this story, click here: Trump Is Backing Off The Paramount’s WB Bid, Here’s What That Means For Netflix

No. …but it’s a start.

Yes, this is the news that then President Donaldo Trumpo has gotten behind a plan to ban private equity companies from buying up homes just to make a profit and pricing regular people out of ownership.

Writing on social media, Mr. Pres said, “That American Dream is increasingly out of reach for far too many people, especially younger Americans. People live in homes, not corporations.”

I mean he’s not wrong.

Ironically the 2008 housing crisis offered up cheap houses that only large investor firms could afford buy and now investors like Blackstone are landlords to tens of thousands of homes.

But already the news is having an impact with shares in Blackstone dipping 5%, the building company FirstSource also dropped 5 and Invitation Homes dipped 6%.

Homes A-Loan 2: Lost In New York ft. DJ Trump

It’s not a bad idea, but currently it’s a tiny piece of FLEXTAPE™ on burst dam. This shot at housing run for profit needs to be expanded into a full blown war until the entire culture around the market changes.

Will the business President be the one to decouple houses from profit-seekers? My guess is no, but at least he’s taking this small step.

Give him some slack though, he’s only got small feet.

For more on this story, read this: Houses Now Twice As Unaffordable As Not Affordable

In 2025, Polymarket gamblers put $3.3 million on Jesus’ return and now the site has renewed the bet for 2026. Call it a second coming.

“Will Jesus Christ return before 2027?” already has $160,190 pledged on a 3% chance the big JC’s encore will be this year. Only 4% have actually bet in favor of the lord, but he’s still got time to prove the haters wrong.

Oh, and if you were wondering, no he didn’t make his divine self known last year either. At least, that’s “a consensus of credible sources,” but what do they know?

Jesus Return Polymarket — Ok, but how is the graph going up and down? WHAT NEW INFORMATION COULD THEY POSSIBLY HAVE GAINED??

Pascal’s Wager

As many Redditors have been quick to point out, isn’t betting on Jesus Clearwater Revival a little bit counterintuitive since the moment he comes back to judge the living and the dead and smite the wicked won’t all your Polymarket winnings be a bit worthless?

“If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” – Matthew 19:21

“It’s harder to stick a needle into a camel than it is for you richos to enter the kingdom of heaven or something.” – Jezzer, the Bible.

Jesus Christ? More Like, Jesus MIGHT Come Back!

Now this might all be a bit of fun but what if it’s now? What if it’s deadly serious? This is people’s religion you’re messing with here. Some people get up every day and dedicate themselves to the whims of the stock market and you’re making light of that commitment.

As Melinda Roth, associate professor of Washington and Lee School of Law, told Bloomberg, it’s “distracting” and “diminishes the value of actual prediction markets that provide insights and useful information.”

So please stop, you’re being offensive.

As for the religious aspect well, everyone knows Jesus is just a bedtime story. You want to know what’s actually a sure thing? The second coming of the postman. Why? Because he always knocks twice of course!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Ha.

For more gambling news, read this: Trump Considers Cutting Tax On Gambling Winnings, Will The Bet Pay Off?

Ok, but what if we don’t want $2.8 billion dollars worth of oil? What if giving us that amount of oil WOULD DROWN US?? I will DIE if you dump $2.8 billion oils on me. PLEASE DO NOT GIVE THAT AMOUNT OF OIL TO US.

…oh, wait, you meant ‘U.S.’, the ‘United States’, not ‘us’ …ohhh, sorry, my bad, carry on.

So the news is that Donald President Trump is going to make Venezuela send America (us) 30 to 50 million barrels of oil. That’s worth anything upwards of $4.

But that’s just the beginning of Trump’s craziness so here’s our ranking of the top five wildest things he’s demanded of Venezuela.

5. Trump Claims ALL The Oils

Olive. Baby. Nerdy teens’ sweaty foreheads. If there’s oil in Venezuela, I’m sorry, but YOINK. That’s now the property of the United States Armed Forces LLC. Trump claims that all of Venezuelan’s $17.3T of oil is America’s. That’s a figure that would add more value to the US than all the GDP of every country in the world combined.

4. Machado Will Not Be President

Trump’s just salty that she’s got a Nobel Peace Prize and he doesn’t. Opposition leader Maria Corina Machado seemed like the obvious choice to take over from overthrown dictator Maduro but you know who would be a better choice? Maduro’s second in command. Yeah.

I’m sorry, did you think this was about democracy? Oh, you sweet summer child.

3. The Government Will Reimburse Oil Companies For Rebuilding Venezuelan Infrastructure

Mmm, yeah, that’s just not going to happen.

2. Trump Demands Venezuela Kick Out China and Russia From Their Oil Business

Jesus Christ we’re actually heading to a full blown war. This is it. This is how it starts. I’m restocking the fallout shelter kids, everyone grab a gasmask!!

1. Greenland’s Next

Trump’s reportedly already looking into options for taking Greenland which he says America “needs”. But they got Maduro for arms dealing and drug trafficking, what are they going to book Greenland’s president for, smuggling penguins? (“You said you exported ‘snow’?? Yeah, you’re going to prison for a long time, buddy.”)

The Consumer Electronics Show (CES) by the Consumer Technology Association (CTA) is in full swing at the Las Vegas Convention Center (LVCC) and AMD, INTC and NVDA all pulled out big WTF reveals.

Let’s start with AMD:

The HELIOS AI Rack

AMD can now claim they’ve got a great rack with a direct competitor with whatever Nvidia’s got going.

The Vera Rubin NVL72

Who? I actually don’t understand what that is. Is it a new data center? That could be a new terminator for all I know. Speaking of Terminators…

Nvidia’s big reveals include:

Collaborations with Boston Dynamics, Caterpillar, LG and NEURA Robotics

These companies are apparently already using Nvidia’s AI to program their humanoid robotics learning technology things. Nothing going to go wrong there for sure.

AI Self-Driving Cars

‘Alpamayo’ is Nvidia’s new breed of AI powered self-driving cars, finely tuned to tell the difference between an unarmed pedestrian and a solid wall, despite plowing into both. Tesla watch your back.

And finally here’s the intel on Intel:

New AI Chips For Laptops

Geez, get a new buzzword already. These new Panther Lake chips are known ‌as Intel Core Ultra Series 3 ALRIGHT, I TAKE IT BACK, THAT’S ENOUGH NEW BUZZWORDS!!

Also probably something else, but mainly the chips.

I’m sure they spoke about other stuff but the new chips were the headline act.

All in all, I think that’s a pretty good CES. Probably the best CES I’ve ever had. Was it as good for you as it was for me? Let us know in the AI-powered comments section below:

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You need enough followers. Like Jesus.

I want to be in Ame-ri-ca.

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