Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

The soon-to-be-inaugurated Donald Trump has announced his plan to make America great again, again, having already made it great the first time until that meddling Joe Biden ruined everything.

Trump’s new slogan MAGAA means that thousands of MAGA caps, stationary, and tattoos are out of date and will require an additional A or a full recall before Trump’s return to the White House.

Local seamstress, Francis Moira Okeland of the Yorkville Sewing Society has offered to sew on an additional A on all MAGA hats for anyone who pledges to include her in their will. This modern Betsy Ross is doing God’s work I tell you and I salute this woman harder than I salute the troops I say.

An additional A does however offset the MAGAA from the center so it looks terrible but don’t tell Francis that or it’ll break her little heart.

A new A is of course only a temporary fix as when Trump runs for his third term in 2029 another A will be required to spell out MAGAAA. Internet philosophers already predict that the slogan could potentially hold as many as 46 additional agains. In the near future, MAGA will likely no longer be a political slogan but a primal scream.

Kamala Harris (remember her?) contested Trump’s application of another ‘again’ claiming that Trump in fact failed to make America great again the first time around citing COVID and soaring milk costs. “As far as I can tell, he didn’t do it, Joe,” the Vice President explained in a now-deleted TikTok video.

Although #MAGAA is trending on Twitter, sorry I mean X, it remains unclear whether that is pronounced magAa or magaA. Whatever the pronunciation I’m just lucky to be alive after that hit-and-run last week. Sorry, it’s just been really on my mind lately. I mean, how are you supposed to just keep going knowing that you almost ran over a dog? Whatever. Not my problem now.

Anyways, yeah, so Trump’s got to reprint a bunch of hats and offer refunds to the ones he sold and I wonder if you can get a refund on a dog as well? Probably not. But like I say, they can add an A if you really want but you can’t bring the life of a beloved pet back.

Do you think Trump should go for a new slogan? Let us know in the comments below that we should have set up by the time this goes live. (If not, please leave a comment and we’ll get that fixed ASAPP! (as soon as possibly possible).)

In preparation for Donald Trump’s move back into the White House, Joe Biden has left behind an ancient mirror possessed by the spirit of former President Millard Fillmore for Trump to find.

Reportedly Biden had hoped to oversee a “smooth and peaceful” transition by destroying the antique, however, the spirit of Fillmore whispered to him that the no, the mirror must remain. The mirror has thus been left in the White House attic for Trump to likely stumble across when looking for the Christmas decorations.

Although Biden was planning on removing the mirror from the building and breaking the curse once and for all, the lure of eternal life was too much for the President to bear and he felt willed to leave the looking glass in place.

“I’ve left Donald a little present,” said Biden with a mischievous grin when asked about the move from the White House. “I think he’ll like it. It’s to die for.”

It is said that when a sitting President gazes into the mirror they can see ahead into the future of America but at the cost of ill health and a reduced lifespan. 16th President Millard Fillmore was supposedly the first President to discover the mirror and become entwined with its will. Upon his death, Fillmore’s spirit was consumed within the frame and now, as Biden refused to destroy the mirror, Joe too will receive the gift of eternal life but also the curse of being trapped within the mirror for the rest of his days.

A prophecy archived in the Library of Congress speaks of the one for whom the mirror has lain in wait for centuries. The prophecy reads, “I shine as bright as silver night, From powerful men I take their light, Should I meet a man of golden touch, Then all the earth shall be as dust.”

The exact meaning of the prophecy has long been debated but modern para-unusual scholarship has suggested that ‘a man of golden touch’ might refer to Donald Trump who famously likes things to be gold. It appears then that the evil mirror has been waiting to possess the soul of Donald Trump in particular in order to bring about the end of the world.

Little is known about why the mirror wants to do this or why it’s even evil in the first place but experts say that it is likely the work of the devil, forged in the fire of hell itself.

For the sake of all humanity then, hopefully, Trump will be strong enough to resist the enticing pull of the evil mirror but should he fail and should that shining glass take hold of his soul then we shall all be doomed.

Either way, should be an exciting next few weeks!

The four-hour cabinet confirmation hearing of Pete Hegseth as defense secretary has received a coveted ‘certified fresh’ rating on the critic aggregate site Rotten Tomatoes becoming the first political hearing to receive a positive rating.

The website’s ‘critic consensus’ reads, “Sizzling with punchy dialogue and witty repartee, a contentious figure makes for a compelling, albeit slow, confirmation hearing.”

Note that despite common opinion a 76% rating for a piece of media does not mean that it’s 76% good or that there’s a 76% chance of you liking it, it means that there is a 76% chance of getting rain in your area. No wait, that’s weather, never mind.

Despite the relatively high critical score, the Hegseth audience score remains abysmally low at a mere 17% of positive audience member reviews which does not bode well for box office returns.

It is also worth noting that other political films have garnered even higher acclaim, such as the impressive 90% bestowed upon the Zapruder film of JFK’s assassination.

The hearing itself concerned a political grilling of Donald Trump’s selection for defense secretary, Pete Hegseth, a former military veteran, a former Fox News host, and, full disclosure, a former personal friend of mine. Hegseth was questioned over his unquestioning loyalty to the country and his knowledge of basic military things like guns and tanks and I would imagine, bombs.

Although Democrats raised allegations of sexual assault and workplace drinking Republicans are big fans of that sort of thing. With no dissenting votes, Trump’s pick is likely to be sworn in without complaint and then, probably be fired again in a few months.

Hegseth began strong saying in his opening statement that, “Warfighting, lethality, meritocracy, standards, and readiness. That’s it. That is my job.” Embarrassingly for Hegseth he neglected to mention here that is job is also ‘Defense Secretary’.

The 44-year-old will be the youngest defense secretary since Donald Rumsfeld who was 43 in 1975. So I guess he still wouldn’t be the youngest. Would it be that he’s the youngest since someone else? I’m not looking back through the ages of every defense secretary, what am I, a journalist? No way, Hose A.

Hegseth was made to eat hot coals (or whatever the analog is) over previous statements saying that women did not belong in the military.

“Do you mean to tell me that you would turn away your own mother from being drafted?” asked one senator, probably.

“No, ma’am,” replied Hegseth, again, probably, idk, I didn’t watch it (but I heard it’s getting good reviews so, yeah, maybe I’ll check it out). “But I would turn YOU away, OHHHHH!!!” At this point, the entire hearing erupted into raucous applause.

The Pete Hegseth confirmation is available to stream on one of the thousands of streaming sites out there now, or none of them, idk, google it. What am I, I can’t do everything for you, Jesus Christ.

This year US politicians won big at the Golden Globes with the award for ‘best comedy or musical’ being handed to the great song and dance that is the US government.

Joe Biden was in attendance to accept the award on behalf of all the hard-working politicians who work day in and day out to make us laugh.

“I’d like to thank the academy, of course,” he said in his acceptance speech. “I’d like to thank Jesus and all the honest American voters who committed voter fraud to get me in power. You know we’re entertainers, we entertain, that’s why we got into this crazy old business in the first place. And to think that we did our small part to put a smile on your faces, well that just makes it all worthwhile. Thank you. God bless.”

Donald Trump commented on the award in a Truth Social post saying, “I WAS ROBBED! THE FAILING GOLDEN GLOBES IS A DISGRACE!!!! When I’m inaugurated I will show this country the BIGGEST and BEST musical with the HIGHEST RATINGS this country has ever seen!”

Other snubs of the night included the US Postal Service which lost out on Best Sound Editing to Gladiator II and Andrew Scott who was beaten by Colin Farrell and I know that’s a controversial opinion but I’m sorry, Andrew Scott is a treasure and an icon and I feel like not enough people saw Ripley but it’s incredible, it’s slow but really moody and it just grows on you and I will fight anyone who says he didn’t deserve to win.

The Golden Globes is often seen as ‘the pre-Oscars’, AKA ‘Oscars round one’, AKA ‘the Oscars warm up’, AKA ‘not the real Oscars’, AKA ‘the Oscars but shit’ and so many of the winners will be seen as front runners for an academy award. The US Government is thus in with a very good chance to gain its first Oscar although it’s unclear in which category.

Experts speculate that the government will only be eligible for a Best Supporting Actress award. Others say that a new, pity award, category like ‘Best American Government’ will need to be created like they did for Black Panther and we all saw how that went.

With this win, Joe Biden becomes the only president to hold a coveted EGOT.

PENSACOLA, FL: Local man Gary Siphonson, (unless you’re not local to him, in which case, I don’t know what to tell you) has made his New Year resolution to learn how to juggle for the fifth time in a row, humiliating family, friends, co-workers and Jesus.

The incident occurred on New Year’s Eve when Mr. Siphonson was involved in a light-hearted discussion concerning resolutions with family members. According to witnesses, everyone took turns to say what they would like to achieve or change or give up in the next year but when it came to Gary’s turn he stated, “Errr, I dunno. I think I’ll pick up juggling.”

“For the love of God, Gary, pick something else,” lamented sister Georgie upon hearing the news. “You’re not going to learn to juggle, you’re never going to learn to juggle. You said you were going to learn to juggle last year and the year before that and the year before that and the year before that. Just admit it, it’s not going to happen.”

“You haven’t touched my balls all year,” added Shannon, Gary’s wife. “I bought you those juggling balls when you first mentioned you wanted to learn and I think I saw you practicing once before you said it was too hard and threw one at the dog which really frightened him and I had to clean up the mess he made while you went and sulked in the corner. I’m starting to think twice about buying you those miniature chainsaws for Christmas.”

When encouraged to display what he had learned from five years of juggling resolutions, Mr. Siphonson stubbornly snatched up three eggs and a wine bottle, said, “Watch this,” then threw the items at the ceiling. Mr. Siphonson ducked to avoid the egg yolks and shattered glass but failed to dodge most of the debris. After a moment of silence in which everyone stared speechless at the egg-covered man, Mr. Siphonson, 46, burst into tears and ran from the room.

When reached for comment, Mr. Siphonson said, “I don’t know why anyone cares, it’s just a stupid game. I just say juggling so people stop asking, I didn’t think they would take it seriously. This is the least wonderful time of the year ever.”

It seems unlikely that next year Mr. Siphonson will take on his family’s advice and make his New Year’s resolution to think up an original New Year’s resolution.

If you could say anything about this year it’s that it’s been a year, that’s for sure. Of all the years preceding this one (1898 or 1310 for example), this year is certainly the one that has been experienced most recently.

So, as this year draws to a close let’s look back and reminisce on all the best year-end lists from this year.

Number 8: The Bucklinville Enquirer’s Annual Best Films List

Only a few hundred people have ever visited Bucklinville, Nebraska and even fewer have heard of it. But this town’s local newspaper lists the best films of the year and it is the ONLY film list that correctly ranks the year’s films. When it comes to taste, Bucklinville can’t be beat.

Number 7: Barak Obama’s Favorite Books, Music and Movies List

I for one think it’s utterly repulsive that this man has all this free time to read and enjoy himself when he should be running the country. I don’t care if you tell me he’s not the president, I know he’s secretly still pulling the strings and he should really take that job more seriously.

Number 6: Top 6 Best Colonoscopies of the Year

This one comes from a medical journal and I know it might seem invasive at first, but it’s a probing read that dug deep to identify exactly what makes a good colonoscopy so revealing. Well worth a peek.

Number 5: Spotify Wrapped

Who doesn’t love music? You, apparently. You only listened to 107,000 hours of music, 6,456 artists, and 2 million individual genres this year. You’re a goddamn failure and an embarrassment, you know that right?

Number 4: My Annual ‘Ex-Girlfriends Ranked’ List

You probably haven’t seen this one because it goes out in my electronic mail newsletter each year, but every year I rank all three of my ex-girlfriends. I know that might not seem like it’s related to this year, but trust me my opinion of who gets the top spot varies WILDLY, year in year out. Plus there are always some more honorable mentions for the ‘one’s that got away’ portion of the newsletter.

Number 3: Schindler’s List

Just a solid film and a solid list so it always gets a spot on my best lists list. One of the best lists to ever do it.

Number 2: Just Any Solid To-Do List

Look let’s not downplay the small achievements, if you went out one day this year with a solid, actionable list of tasks and you got them done well hell I’d say that’s worth a spot on this ranking. You should be proud son.

Number 1: This List

I don’t want to blow my own trumpet (I’ve tried and I just don’t bend that way) but I think this is a pretty solid list, don’t you? I can’t list a list that I’ve missed otherwise it would be here. Why do you think it’s top eight and not top ten? Because these are the top, the only ones worth mentioning. If there were ten top ones, I would have put ten, ok? It’s a perfect list. Honestly, I think I nailed this one.

TikTok’s ticked off as the clock’s tick-tocking for the top scrolling dot com to get shot of spy bots and go back to hip-hop and dance-offs.

Stop the clock! A lot of pots have got dropped off top cop slop mop brain rot…

Ok, that’s enough of that. THE NEWS is that TikTok is facing a ban if they can’t sell off their parent company. The government’s worried about Chinese interference but TikTok says there’s no interference which of course they would say… TikTok users are against the potential ban as they like to use the app but if they get their information through TikTok then of course they would say that…

The head of TikTok met with Donald Trump recently to protest the move but Trump’s not the president. Does the CEO even know? How embarrassing.

TikTok’s going to protest this case and take it to the Supreme Court but what are they going to do? You think the SUPREME Court has any power? Yes. Yes, they do. So maybe they’ll stop it.

The argument from TikTok’s end is that the ban violates freedom of speech but idk that feels like they’re reaching. For example, I’m free to wet myself but that doesn’t mean I want to do it. You know what I mean? Ok, let me put it simply. I wet myself every day of my life. I can’t help it. I can’t do anything about it. I’ve seen doctors and they all say that there’s nothing wrong with me I should just get up to go pee more. But I don’t want to get up and go pee. The toilet’s, like, all the way over on the other side of the room. So now I’m just sitting here in my own piss. And I’m cold and I’m wet and I smell.

That’s what’s happening with TikTok.

Maybe they’ll successfully fight their case, but maybe not. It feels weird that one of the biggest social media platforms in the world right now could potentially be just shut down. That’s not a way to go. No, social media websites deserve the noble death of becoming more and more irrelevant until they fade into obscurity and are only used by trolls and goblins. Like an abandoned dungeon. Look a Facebook, now that’s dying with dignity, unlike me who, again, is sitting in a puddle of my own urine.

This week Google announced, ‘Willow’, the most powerful quantum chip ever developed. At the same time, however, Google did not announce any such chip and there is no evidence of ‘Willow’ ever existing. Further observation will be required.

Quantum computers use the mysterious mechanics of the smallest particles to solve complex equations. Google claims Willow is the best one yet and can solve problems that a normal computer would take 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years to crack. But also, it can’t and none of this happened.

The only catch with Willow is that it only works when users are not looking at it, much like an office printer. Otherwise, the chip remains in a quantum state of superposition between existing and not existing, working and not working, like my cousin Denny who is staying on my couch at the moment.

Experts say this is the future of technology but I’m uncertain.

Google is calling Willow a quantum chip but it’s way bigger than a quantum particle the goddamn liars. The processor itself is about palm-sized and in order to avoid interference the chip must be supercooled in a massive machine that hangs from the ceiling like a giant golden chandelier. The whole thing is huge and really not very quantum at all so I’m not sure what they’re on about. It looks really cool but of course, you can’t see it because if you look at it it won’t work.

Willow is and isn’t primarily experimental so we won’t be seeing it in our phones and homes any time soon. But again, please, please don’t look at it.

Critics of the technology are worried that researchers, future users, and anyone who comes into contact with the chip might become quantum-entangled with its wave function and enter a state of superposition, permanently caught in a limbo between existence and non-existence, life and death, reality and unreality, never to escape for all of time. …I’d like to see an Intel chip do that.

Google has yet to confirm or deny whether any cats were harmed in the making of the chip.

Following numerous unexplained drone sightings, New Jersey parking authorities have determined the origin of the strange lights to be a massive Iranian spaceship floating above the clouds in violation of parking restrictions.

“I was just going about my shift,” explained 46-year-old Anos Eliz, the traffic warden who discovered the craft. “I mostly cover the suburbs but that night I thought I’d just have a quick sweep of the local airspace. I couldn’t believe it, there it was, a giant metal spaceship, flashing lights, drones flying in and out. I’m not sure how anyone missed it. Definitely Iranian.”

“First thing I said to myself was you can’t park that there,” continued Eliz. “Parking restrictions go to 7 on Fridays and I couldn’t see a permit in the windshield so I had to book it in.”

Eliz says he then alerted his colleagues to help clamp the craft but they were unable to find a wheel of any kind.

“That’s when we called the police, the fire department, the navy, the Coast Guard, the Pentagon, the NSA, the NASA, the girl guides, my therapist, and the United States Army but they all said we were hallucinating. I know what I saw though, so we took down its license plate and hit it with a hefty ticket. Only fair. Next thing it had cleared off, so who’s the hero now? Eliz, that’s who.”

Although the Pentagon has denied the existence of such a ship, New Jersey congressman Jeff Van Drew said that this was in fact an Iranian mothership and that he learned this information, “from high sources. I don’t say this lightly.” But obviously Jeff’s an idiot because this is CLEARLY an alien craft. When aliens have travelled 40 million light years to reach us OBVIOUSLY the first place they’re going to visit will be New Jersey. Obviously. …Iran? That makes no sense, why would Iran want to go to New Jersey? No, aliens is the only possible explanation.

The drones themselves could not be reached for comment although I did shout up at one that flew over me the other day so don’t ever call me a phony journalist again, Mom.

Now that Thanksgiving has officially run its course and all thanks have been suitably expunged, the nation is free to return to its natural unthankful state. “But what if I’m more than unthankful?” I hear you ask. “What if I’m not just unthank, but have pure hate writhing in my forsaken soul?” Well, then sir you, like most Americans would do well to know of the great seasonal tradition of ‘Hatesgiving’, a little-known national holiday that runs every year from roughly today until the day before Thanksgiving.

Many are unaware of Hatesgiving, but the tradition goes back to the first Thanksgiving which was immediately followed by the indiscriminate slaughter of billions of Native Americanos, solidifying this hateful holiday in the bowels of history.

Today Hatesgiving is celebrated across the world as a period to really just seeth with contempt and spite. For some, it can be hard to know where to begin but there are countless people for you to hate, a high school bully, a politician you don’t like the look of, a member of another race perhaps, anyone is fair game this Hatesgiving.

Christmas (which was technically invented after Hatesgiving) does represent a challenging injection of joy over the Hatesgiving period, however technically the two simply cancel each other out leading to a purely neutral state throughout December. If anything, Hategiving adherents can help fight the holiday spirit with a healthy dose of humbug, cynicism, and “Christmas gets earlier every year” comments.

A crucial component of any Hatesgiving is of course going ‘trick or tricking’ in which children go from house to house dressed as their favorite tax bracket and spit in the faces of unsuspecting adults.

Children may also partake in orchestrating convincing bomb threats, the burning of the Easter Bunny effigies, and giving one-word answers to parents who really genuinely just want to know how you’re doing. Just really get stuck into the true meaning of the season.

Again, this holiday runs effectively all year round.

How do you plan on celebrating this Hatesgiving? Will you be buying yourself a traditional Hatred Spoon? Let us know by leaving a hateful comment in the comment section down below which we definitely have activated and that you can use. xoxo

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