BREAKING: Biden’s Age Now Determined by Wind Erosion

Washington, D.C. — As President Joe Biden celebrates his 81st birthday, a group of innovative geologists have proposed a groundbreaking method to measure his age: wind erosion analysis. This unconventional approach, typically used for dating cliffs and mineral deposits, is now being hailed as the next big thing in presidential age assessment.

“The method has proven incredibly accurate for aging fossils, so it only makes sense to apply it to the President,” stated Dr. Sandy Rockwell, a leading geologist known for her work in sedimentary structures. “Our team has been closely monitoring the effects of wind erosion on President Biden, and the results are promising.”

The proposal, while met with some skepticism, has sparked interest in various scientific communities. Experts in geomorphology have already begun developing models to correlate the President’s exposure to natural elements with his age, citing that the technique could revolutionize how we view aging in political figures.

Not to be outdone, dendrochronologists have come forward with their unique method of age determination. “If we take a cross-section of the President, we could theoretically count the rings to determine his age, much like we do with trees,” explained Dr. Woody Barkman, a specialist in tree-ring dating. “While the practical application of this method might be challenging, the science behind it is solid.”

Amid these scientific breakthroughs, the White House has yet to issue an official response. Sources close to the administration, however, reveal that President Biden is amused by the creative methods proposed by the scientific community.

As the debate continues, one thing remains clear: the age of President Biden has become a topic of national interest, transcending traditional boundaries and entering the realms of both science and satire.

Latest news

Max Profit• November 24, 2023D

BREAKING: Biden’s Age Now Determined by Wind Erosion

As President Joe Biden celebrates his 81st birthday, a group of geologists have proposed a...
Politics
Max Profit• D

BREAKING: Biden’s Age Now Determined by Wind Erosion

As President Joe Biden celebrates his 81st birthday, a group of geologists have proposed a...
Politics

Government Proposes New Health Plan: Just Walk It Off

In what experts are calling a “revolutionary simplification” of healthcare, the U.S. government has unveiled its new healthcare strategy, aptly named “Just Walk It Off.” This groundbreaking plan transforms the complex web of healthcare policies into a single, straightforward directive: when in doubt, walk out.

The “Walk it Off” plan aims to kill two birds with one stone. The average US hospital bill is $12,974, and over 870,000 hospital visits are related to obesity. The proposed new bill will tackle both of these issues head on.

The Secretary of Health, in a recent press conference, stated, “From sprained ankles to stress, our policy recommends a brisk walk. It’s an all-encompassing solution, blending cost-efficiency with an active lifestyle.”

This novel approach has stirred a mixed pot of reactions. Critics argue that it dangerously oversimplifies healthcare needs, while supporters applaud its uncomplicated nature. “Gone are the days of deciphering insurance plans. Just lace up those sneakers and hit the pavement,” said a government spokesperson.

In line with the new policy, walking tracks, labeled ‘Healthways,’ are set to spring up nationwide. The government also announced a retraining program for medical professionals, converting traditional doctors into ‘Walking Coaches.’ These coaches will specialize in offering motivational chants and tracking step counts rather than medical prescriptions.

An anonymous official joked, “If you think you’re having a heart attack, just walk faster. That should pump the blood more efficiently, right?”

When queried about handling serious illnesses, the Secretary responded, “Our research indicates a good walk might not cure cancer, but it’ll definitely get your mind off it. For those insistent on traditional treatment, we suggest jogging as an alternative.”

Rumor has it that deals are already in the works with Nike and Taylor Swift to provide “Just Walk it Off” soundtrack and footwear.

The plan, albeit met with skepticism, has found some earnest supporters. “I walked off my last flu,” claimed a self-proclaimed health guru. “Sure, it took three weeks longer to recover, but think of the calories burned!”

Doctors have voiced concerns, with one commenting, “Next, they’ll suggest we walk to the moon to cure insomnia.”

As the nation prepares to embrace this ‘one-step solution,’ the government remains optimistic. “It’s a stride towards health liberation,” the Secretary said, concluding the press conference while briskly walking in place. “Remember, America, just walk it off – unless it’s a broken leg, then maybe hop.”

Latest news

Max Profit• November 23, 2023D

Government Proposes New Health Plan: Just Walk It Off

In what experts are calling a "revolutionary simplification" of healthcare, the U.S. gover...
Politics
Max Profit• D

Government Proposes New Health Plan: Just Walk It Off

In what experts are calling a "revolutionary simplification" of healthcare, the U.S. gover...
Politics

How to Assert Dominance at Thanksgiving Dinner

Thanksgiving, a time for gratitude, family, and, if you’re feeling particularly ambitious, a chance to assert your dominance at the dinner table. Here are some foolproof strategies for those brave souls looking to leave an unforgettable impression this holiday season.

Unleash Your Hustlers University Knowledge

Begin by giving everyone, from your wide-eyed nephew to your dozing grandpa, an unsolicited, detailed lecture on your Hustlers University course. Explain every module, every assignment, and especially your groundbreaking thoughts on the future of e-commerce. The goal is to make them wish they had never asked, “So, what have you been up to?”

Convert Aunt Ethel to Crypto 

Next, target Aunt Ethel. Use the lull between the appetizer and the turkey to explain why she should invest her retirement savings in cryptocurrency. Ignore her confusion and pepper your monologue with terms like ‘blockchain’ and ‘NFTs’. Remember, the less she understands, the more successful you are.

Teabag the Gravy

It’s a risk – both from a logistical and personal injury standpoint – but if you want to assert ultimate thanksgiving dominance, drop trou and let your boys take a swim in the gravy. It’ll fill you with confidence at the dinner table as you pass on gravy, and add some extra umami flavor to the jus.

Flash Your P&L Constantly

As the turkey makes its rounds, so should your phone, with its open profit and loss statements. Make sure everyone sees how much of a financial guru you are (or aren’t). If someone tries to change the subject, bring it back with a “But have you seen my latest trades?”

Lead with Edgy Political Discussions

With everyone trying to digest their meal, drop a bombshell like, “So the Israelis are kinda nuts, right?” and watch the peaceful dinner transform into a heated political debate. Your job is to stir the pot, not to solve the Middle East crisis.

Regurgitate Jordan Peterson

As dessert arrives, it’s time to regurgitate all the Jordan Peterson content you’ve consumed. Mix his ideas with your personal life lessons, leaving your relatives to wonder if you’re a philosopher or just lost in your thoughts.

So there you have it—a foolproof guide to asserting your dominance at Thanksgiving dinner. Just remember, this approach may also assert your place at the ‘not invited next year’ list.

Latest news

Pen Smith• November 22, 2023D

How to Assert Dominance at Thanksgiving Dinner

Here are some foolproof strategies for those brave souls looking to leave an unforgettable...
Culture
Pen Smith• D

How to Assert Dominance at Thanksgiving Dinner

Here are some foolproof strategies for those brave souls looking to leave an unforgettable...
Culture

How to Prepare for Black Friday: A Shopper’s Guide to Survival

In the  wild world of retail, Black Friday is the ultimate showdown. We’ve scoured the internet to find experts on how to survive Black Friday, from animal behaviorists to survival experts. So strap and and get prepped for the carnage, here’s your ultimate guide to preparing for Black Friday.

1. Limber Up: The Pre-Shop Stretch

Before you even think about braving the concrete jungle of Best Buy, remember: flexibility is key. We’re not just talking about your budget. A full pre-shopping stretch session is crucial. You don’t want to pull a hamstring lunging for the last PS5. Yoga, pilates, interpretive dance – whatever gets those muscles loose for the ensuing battle.

2. Buddy Up

Everything’s better with friends, including choking out an elderly woman for the last toaster on the shelf. Bring a buddy, or better yet, a whole entourage. They can form a human shield while you grab the goods, or at least document your shopping heroics for social clout.

3. Mark Your Territory

It’s a timeless law of nature. If you piss on it, it belongs to you. Go crazy, get one of those hydration packs and just pee on anything that you want- hell pee on stuff you only might want. It’s worth noting two things about this method. Firstly, don’t pee on anything that’s plugged in or wired. Secondly, some stores may look down on this behavior, but just tell them you self-identify as a wolf and you should be golden.

4. Arm Yourself

It’s every American’s right to bear arms. So get strapped. There’s nothing that asserts dominance in the aisles of Walmart than strolling in like Neo at the  end of the first Matrix movie. As it’s every American citizen’s right to bear arms, you may encounter other groups, which could lead to a Mexican standoff. Basically it’s a win-win.

Conclusion: Shop Smart, Shop S-Mart 

Black Friday is not for the faint of heart. If this guide seems a bit extreme, well, maybe online shopping from the comfort of your couch is more your speed. No judgment here – those flash sales can be just as exhilarating, and the only thing you risk pulling is a muscle reaching for your credit card.

Latest news

Max Profit• November 21, 2023D

How to Prepare for Black Friday: A Shopper’s Guide to Survival

Strap and and get prepped for the carnage, here’s your ultimate guide to preparing for B...
Culture
Max Profit• D

How to Prepare for Black Friday: A Shopper’s Guide to Survival

Strap and and get prepped for the carnage, here’s your ultimate guide to preparing for B...
Culture