Year: 2024

Errr. Israel has declared war on Sweden in a move strategists are calling, “Really very stupid.”

Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu announced the invasion this morning following a preemptive air strike using extra-long rockets so they could reach further. Tanks are reportedly on their way but are currently driving through Lebanon so it’ll take a while for them to get there.

Swedish forces were fast to respond, destroying their pagers and assembling flatpack munitions in a matter of minutes. However, missing hex keys are holding back a full retaliation as generals search junk drawers for the right size.

The international community responded with bewilderment to the development. “What?” said US diplomat Justin ‘Cheeky’ Chavez, “Who are we supposed to send arms to now? Both sides? I mean, I guess we could do that. We’d need to check if Amazon ships to Sweden.”

Iran, now dazed by Israel’s unprecedented tactic, expressed similar confusion. “My enemy’s enemy is my friend, but what if my enemy’s enemy is my friend’s enemy? Is my friend now my enemy? Am I my own enemy?” Iran then promptly declared war on itself.

‘Why?’, ‘For what purpose?’ and, ‘To what end?’ are also good questions, to which analysts have speculated that maybe Israel had a world map folded over and thought Sweden was much closer. Other theories suggest Israel is applying the ancient military tactic of ‘bamboozle’, a risky strategy involving making the least expected move, especially if it’s a very bad one.

Some have suggested more novel explanations such as amateur historian and massive nerd, Derbert Monfreese, who explained the move by saying that, “The Bible doesn’t clarify the exact coordinates of the promised land so who’s to say it isn’t in Scandinavia?” Everyone, Derbert, that’s who’s to say. That makes no sense, Derbert, shut up.

The United Nations has condemned the Swedo-Israeli conflict in a new statement, “Come on, guys, this is just all too complicated now. Alright, new rule, everyone gets to fight one war at a time and that’s it, OK? No exceptions.”

In response to the new, ‘only one war’ rule, Israel then floated the idea of having just one mega-war, a ‘world’ war, if you will, that everyone could join and no one would miss out on. Germany vetoed the motion.

During Tuesday’s televised debate, JD Vance and Tim Walz superbly displayed their qualification for the VP role by remaining uncontroversial, under the radar and uninteresting.

Millions of Americans grabbed their popcorn and tuned in to watch their second favorite politicians go head to head in a bloody fight to the death. Unfortunately, both candidates stuck to the issues and did little sniping or insulting so why did they even bother to show up?

Vance in an effort to balance Trump’s unhinged, rambling brashness was polite and thanked his debate partner multiple times even at one point offering to pick Walz’s kids up from school. Walz and Vance agreed with each other on crucial issues such as gun deaths, hurricane relief and who should run for president.

Both candidates seamlessly avoided answering questions directly like professional politicians but like amateur entertainers. No one watches NASCAR to see the cars not-crash.

At times it seemed like the debaters might go head to head, but the moderators had a lot to discuss so they had to move on.

A recurring critique from Vance was to ask why Harris had not delivered her presidential campaign promises whilst she has been vice president. Perhaps JD overestimates the power he will have in office or no one told him that the role of the vice president is to not do anything, that’s the point. No one had even heard of Kamala Harris until she ran for president, not even Joe Biden. Even JD had to introduce himself at the start of the debate to make sure the moderators hadn’t booked the wrong guest.

As the nearly two-hour debate dragged on, viewers reported to finding more entertainment watching the background slowly fade from blue to a slightly lighter blue and then back to blue.

Journalists too bemoaned the lack of insubstantive content with one New York Post reporter saying, “There wasn’t even a fly landing on anyone’s head to spice things up. What am I going to write about now? What they said? Like, their words? Ugh. Boring. Bor-ING.”

In post-debate surveys, viewers agreed that Tim Walz has a squishy face and JD Vance has blue, blue eyes. When asked who they thought won the debate, swing voters unanimously agreed that yes, there was a debate that happened.

The civil, policy-focused debate may have been a victory for democracy but it was an immense failure for television networks and insult enjoyers everywhere.

We’re out of time and I am afraid there are still a number of subjects to discuss, so we will end it there, thank you.

Yesterday Donald Trump announced a plan to lynch shoplifters over “one really violent day”, apparently taking campaign strategy from the movie franchise, ‘The Purge’.

At a Pennsylvania rally, Trump described the new policy to combat shoplifting by allowing police to act as Batman, enacting violent retribution against petty criminals, but for a limited time only.

Self-proclaimed movie buff and ‘Purge Historian’ (not a real job), Derbert Monfreese explained that, “The six films and one television series that constitute the Purge Cinematic Universe depict a future in which all crime is legal for 24 hours. What Trump describes however is just a period in which the police can do whatever they want to criminals. Technically, that’s not the purge, that’s just a regular day in LA.”

When asked whether the nerds couldn’t let us just have one fun thing without running it with technicalities, Derbert replied, “No.”

In response to whether Trump’s idea was, “maybe closer to ‘Kristilnact’, then instead, can we do that?” Derbert said, “I’ve not seen that movie.” So, I think we’ll go with that analogy instead. Hold on, I’m looking it up… no, that’s like the exact opposite thing. Ugh! Great, well this article’s ruined. I’m going to have to rewrite this whole thing now! God, I hate you Derbert, you ruin everything and you suck.

Trump’s suggestion appeared founded on the claim that, “In San Francisco, $950 you’re allowed to steal. Anything above that you will be prosecuted.” However, Derbert tells me, even though I didn’t ask him, that, “Actually, Trump is misremembering a Californian law from ten years ago in which some violent crimes (including shoplifting a value below $950) were reclassed as misdemeanors.”

The Republican nominee continued to assert that, “You saw kids walking with calculators… They didn’t want to go over the $950, they’re standing with calculators, adding it up.” He then mimed holding an old-timey brick calculator from the 80s. Maybe he saw that in a movie too because when was the last time a kid used a calculator instead of their phone?

Video clips and quotes from the rally give the appearance of Trump’s words being taken out of context but I didn’t make this up, Derbert! He really said this, look, here’s the portion of the speech with the rambling bits crossed through so you can see nothing’s cut out.

“We have to let the police do their job and if they have to be extraordinarily rough. And you know the funny thing with all of that stuff, look at the department stores, same thing. They walk into a– you see these guys walking out with air conditioners with the refrigerators on their back. The craziest thing. And the police aren’t allowed to do their job. They’re told if you do anything, you’re going to lose your pension, you’re going to lose your family your house, your car. The police wanna do it, the border patrol wants to do it. The border patrol, they’re incredible. They wanna do it. They’re not allowed to do it because the liberal left won’t let ‘em do it. The liberal left wants to destroy ‘em and they wanna destroy our country.”

“You know if you have one day like one real rough nasty day with the drugstores as an example, where when they start walking out with, you know she created something in San Francisco, $950 you’re allowed to steal. Anything above that you will be prosecuted. Well, it works out that the 950 is a misnomer ‘cos you can steal whatever you want, you can go way above but you’d see it originally, you saw kids walking with calculators. They would calculate. They didn’t want to go over the $950 they’re standing with calculators, adding it up. You know these are smart, smart people, they’re not so stupid but they have to be taught.” 

“Now if you had one really violent day like a guy like Mike Kelly put him in charge, congressman kelly put him in charge for one day. Mike would you say, you right here. He’s a great congressman. Would you say Mike that if you were in charge you would say, ‘Oh, please don’t touch them, don’t touch them, let them rob your store, let–’ all these stores go out of business right? They don’t pay rent the city doesn’t have money the whole, it’s a chain of events that’s so bad. ONE. ROUGH. HOUR. (and I mean real rough) the world will get out and it will end immediately. End immediately. You know? It’ll end immediately. Crooked Joe Biden…”

You happy now Derbert, you goddamn nerd?

‘The Purge: Election Year’ is available to stream now on Netflix and CSPAN.

Following the assassination of more than a dozen commanders, Hezbollah has taken to the networking site LinkedIn to post a series of job vacancies and has updated its profile picture to read, ‘#Hiring’.

Among the jobs listed were, ‘Secretary-General’, ‘Central Council Deputy Head’ and ‘Social Media Intern’.

For the top job, the militant group is looking for someone to, “Develop and implement a comprehensive partnership plan with leadership groups across the region. This position requires full managerial oversight of various political alliances and vendettas.”

“Requirements: 30+ years experience as a Shia cleric, tech proficiency (pagers, radios, Excel, etc.), unwavering fealty to the defense of Lebanon and the destruction of Israel. We’re not looking for: anyone with a phobia of airstrikes. Perks: lunch is on us! Get a complimentary Deliveroo voucher every Friday!”

Currently, the job posts remain at, “0 applicants”.

It was previously thought that Hezbollah would look to hire internally, however, to promote the second in command to the first in command they would first have to promote the third in command to the second in command but to do that they would have to promote the fourth in command to the third to command and to do that… you get the idea. The problem with this plan is that they’re all a little bit dead right now.

Only the group’s janitor has expressed a vague interest in the role so is now the front-runner for the top spot.

Doubling Hezbollah’s hiring woes was the recent explodening of the entire recruitment, hiring and human resources departments. It is unclear who updated and is now monitoring the account… a very intelligent bird perhaps?

Joining the hiring push, Hamas has also posted a vacancy for the leader of their Lebanon branch. A similar absence of applications here too can only speak to this current generation’s laziness and general lack of ambition.

It remains unclear whether Hezbollah can fill the vacancies just in time for all-out war (they wouldn’t want to miss that) or whether the next in command will just pretend not to be in charge rather than paint a large target on their forehead. Hopefully, Iran’s ‘reposting’ of the LinkedIn post will give Hezbollah some invaluable visibility.

Miniature Russian MMA fighter, Hasbulla declined a request to comment.

TAMPA, FL – Vice President Kamala Harris was hospitalized this morning after falling from a coconut tree during a campaign rally.

The Democratic nominee was holding the event on a beach in Tampa, Florida beside a coconut tree, when the crowd began to chant, “COCO-NUT! COCO-NUT! COCO-NUT!” Harris halted her speech on abortion to ask the crowd, “Should I climb the tree?” The crowd cheered and Harris said, “I’m gonna climb the tree!”

The presidential hopeful then proceeded to hug the trunk like a bear and shuffle herself up the tree with surprising strength and agility. Once she was at the top, the crowd cheered again and Harris threw down a coconut to a spectator who suffered only minor injuries. Harris then proceeded to continue with her speech in a somber tone whilst hanging precariously from a palm leaf.

It was only towards the end of Kamala’s two-hour monologue that her grip began to slip. Midway through a sentence about soaring inflation did Kamala’s hand give way and she tumbled, tumbled, tumbled, down, down, down, like a politician dropped from a coconut tree, until she hit the sand below with a crunch and a crack and a yelp.

The Secret Service sprang into action and fired two shots into the coconut tree’s wooden brain, rendering it immediately motionless. In doing so, however, a coconut was loosened from the tree and it fell on Kamala’s head with a ‘THONK’ that bystanders reluctantly admitted was very funny.

“‘Brat summer’? More like, thwak summer!” commented anonymous bystander, Meila B. Stander.

The ‘Possible President’, as she is known to her friends, was immediately whisked to hospital and treated for a broken leg and concussion. Harris is reported to have been heard repeatedly muttering, “Everything is in context, unburdened by what will come to be burdened,” so it seemed she was already on the mend.

When Harris awoke she asked, “What year is it?” to which doctors replied, “2024” but to the question, “Who’s the president?” they refused to give comment.

Giving a statement from her hospital bed, Harris commented, “I think I just fell out a coconut tree… Hey, quit laughing. You know what is funny, though? I don’t even like coconuts. You ever had a Mounds bar? Blegh.” Harris is expected to make a full recovery ahead of the election in November but will be too injured to give interviews.

The tree was issued with a warning for the attempted assassination of a presidential candidate and had its driver’s license revoked. Any trees present at future campaign rallies will be required to go through a thorough vetting process or be refused entry.

(Millions of people die from coconuts every year. If you or a relative know of anyone affected, please call the coconut helpline immediately at 555-0111.)

KITTANNING, PA – A mother of three has been arrested after paying for her groceries with an illegal campaign donation from presidential nominee Donald Trump.

The woman was shopping for her three sons when Trump, who was also shopping for his three boys, stepped in to offer a government subsidy for her groceries.

“Here, it’s going to go down a little bit,” said Trump jovially as he splashed the cash. “It’s just gone down a hundred bucks!” Trump added, referring to his own bank account.

Moments after the former president had left the store, the mom was tackled to the ground by a passing IRS operative.

The operative demanded she pay the relevant taxes on her sudden windfall but the mother explained that since she had already spent the money on groceries the best she could offer was a couple of bananas.

The tax collector was then tackled by a passing FEC operative who explained that the Federal Election Commission had jurisdiction over the IRS in this situation. After a brief altercation, the matter was settled and it was decided the mother would receive the full force of the law for accepting a political bribe.

Three dozen eggs, two loaves of bread and various other groceries were seized as evidence and will likely be presented at the trial next Thursday. The accused party also had her accounts frozen to avoid any further political manipulation.

Trump was visiting Kittaninnining, Pennsylvania on his way from a town hall in Smithton where he started a fight with a deer. Wait, no, ‘Deere’, sorry, he wants to raise taxes on John Deere if they move manufacturing to Mexico. He’s not fighting any animals.

Before heading over to a rally in Indiana (not the state) Trump passed a sign for the local neighborhood grocery store, ‘Sprankles’ and started chanting, ‘Sprankles! Sprankles! Sprankles!’ until the driver pulled over to buy some popcorn.

After spending $100 on a bag of popcorn and one vote, Trump is not the only Republican overpaying for groceries this week as JD Vance recently spent $4 on $2 eggs.

The Democrats also made a pitstop on the campaign trail, stopping at a Pennsylvania gas station, ‘Sheetz’ last month. In an effort to appeal to working-class voters, Gov. Tim Walz distracted the clerk as VP Kamala Harris shoplifted six family-sized bags of Doritos.