Top 8 End Of Year Lists

If you could say anything about this year it’s that it’s been a year, that’s for sure. Of all the years preceding this one (1898 or 1310 for example), this year is certainly the one that has been experienced most recently.

So, as this year draws to a close let’s look back and reminisce on all the best year-end lists from this year.

Number 8: The Bucklinville Enquirer’s Annual Best Films List

Only a few hundred people have ever visited Bucklinville, Nebraska and even fewer have heard of it. But this town’s local newspaper lists the best films of the year and it is the ONLY film list that correctly ranks the year’s films. When it comes to taste, Bucklinville can’t be beat.

Number 7: Barak Obama’s Favorite Books, Music and Movies List

I for one think it’s utterly repulsive that this man has all this free time to read and enjoy himself when he should be running the country. I don’t care if you tell me he’s not the president, I know he’s secretly still pulling the strings and he should really take that job more seriously.

Number 6: Top 6 Best Colonoscopies of the Year

This one comes from a medical journal and I know it might seem invasive at first, but it’s a probing read that dug deep to identify exactly what makes a good colonoscopy so revealing. Well worth a peek.

Number 5: Spotify Wrapped

Who doesn’t love music? You, apparently. You only listened to 107,000 hours of music, 6,456 artists, and 2 million individual genres this year. You’re a goddamn failure and an embarrassment, you know that right?

Number 4: My Annual ‘Ex-Girlfriends Ranked’ List

You probably haven’t seen this one because it goes out in my electronic mail newsletter each year, but every year I rank all three of my ex-girlfriends. I know that might not seem like it’s related to this year, but trust me my opinion of who gets the top spot varies WILDLY, year in year out. Plus there are always some more honorable mentions for the ‘one’s that got away’ portion of the newsletter.

Number 3: Schindler’s List

Just a solid film and a solid list so it always gets a spot on my best lists list. One of the best lists to ever do it.

Number 2: Just Any Solid To-Do List

Look let’s not downplay the small achievements, if you went out one day this year with a solid, actionable list of tasks and you got them done well hell I’d say that’s worth a spot on this ranking. You should be proud son.

Number 1: This List

I don’t want to blow my own trumpet (I’ve tried and I just don’t bend that way) but I think this is a pretty solid list, don’t you? I can’t list a list that I’ve missed otherwise it would be here. Why do you think it’s top eight and not top ten? Because these are the top, the only ones worth mentioning. If there were ten top ones, I would have put ten, ok? It’s a perfect list. Honestly, I think I nailed this one.

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Pen Smith• December 19, 2024D

Top 8 End Of Year Lists

If you could say anything about this year it’s that it’s been a year. Of all the years...
Culture
Pen Smith• D

Top 8 End Of Year Lists

If you could say anything about this year it’s that it’s been a year. Of all the years...
Culture

Christmas Voted Most Popular Vacation For Second Year Running

The results are in and it’s jingle all the way! In a nationwide survey, Christmas has been officially declared America’s most popular day beating out other popular days such as the Fourth of July, the Fifth of July, and the Eight of July.

The survey, conducted by fourth-grader Luke Bissal for his school math project, asked seven classmates to rank their favourite vacation of the year and this year Christmas came out on top.

Prior winners of the coveted ‘most popular vacation’ award were: Christmas and that was it as Luke’s only done it once before. This confirms last year’s data when Luke conducted the same research and reached the same result. 

Although the country waits with bated breath for next year’s result, Luke said that he probably won’t conduct the same survey again as Miss Munroe said he should have thought up a new one this year and they might not even do this project again anyways.

Until then, Christmas lovers across the world are hailing the news as “exuberant” and “the best thing since Christmas”.

One festive fiend couldn’t help but comment, “Wowee! It’s a Christmas-time miracle. I’ve always known that Christmas is the best time of year, but it’s nice to have it confirmed by real hard scientific data that you can’t dispute or argue with. I’ll toast my eggnog to that!”

Another annual Christmas-goer, who asked to remain anonymous added, “It’s Christmas all around the world! Even here in sunny Portugal where the sun always shines and the rain is never near, we think Christmas is the best time of year every year and are so glad to hear that there’s a little lad out there who agrees with me and my best friends, Tiana, Michael, and Chlorine.”

Critics of the results however were quick to pour Grinch-flavoured Scrooge juice all over everyone’s fun. According to so-called scientists, Luke’s survey was far from conclusive as he wasn’t wearing a white coat at the time. Had he been conducting the survey in the official uniform however (and maybe even been holding a clipboard and pen for extra effect) then the scientific community might have looked at these results with a bit more respect. Until then Christmas will have to remain just ‘one of the most popular days for the second year running’.

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Ima Short• December 18, 2024D

Christmas Voted Most Popular Vacation For Second Year Running

The results are in and it’s jingle all the way! In a nationwide survey, Christmas has be...
Culture
Ima Short• D

Christmas Voted Most Popular Vacation For Second Year Running

The results are in and it’s jingle all the way! In a nationwide survey, Christmas has be...
Culture

TikTok’s Time’s Ticking

TikTok’s ticked off as the clock’s tick-tocking for the top scrolling dot com to get shot of spy bots and go back to hip-hop and dance-offs.

Stop the clock! A lot of pots have got dropped off top cop slop mop brain rot…

Ok, that’s enough of that. THE NEWS is that TikTok is facing a ban if they can’t sell off their parent company. The government’s worried about Chinese interference but TikTok says there’s no interference which of course they would say… TikTok users are against the potential ban as they like to use the app but if they get their information through TikTok then of course they would say that…

The head of TikTok met with Donald Trump recently to protest the move but Trump’s not the president. Does the CEO even know? How embarrassing. 

TikTok’s going to protest this case and take it to the Supreme Court but what are they going to do? You think the SUPREME Court has any power? Yes. Yes, they do. So maybe they’ll stop it.

The argument from TikTok’s end is that the ban violates freedom of speech but idk that feels like they’re reaching. For example, I’m free to wet myself but that doesn’t mean I want to do it. You know what I mean? Ok, let me put it simply. I wet myself every day of my life.  I can’t help it. I can’t do anything about it. I’ve seen doctors and they all say that there’s nothing wrong with me I should just get up to go pee more. But I don’t want to get up and go pee. The toilet’s, like, all the way over on the other side of the room. So now I’m just sitting here in my own piss. And I’m cold and I’m wet and I smell.

That’s what’s happening with TikTok.

Maybe they’ll successfully fight their case, but maybe not. It feels weird that one of the biggest social media platforms in the world right now could potentially be just shut down. That’s not a way to go. No, social media websites deserve the noble death of becoming more and more irrelevant until they fade into obscurity and are only used by trolls and goblins. Like an abandoned dungeon. Look a Facebook, now that’s dying with dignity, unlike me who, again, is sitting in a puddle of my own urine.

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Pen Smith• December 17, 2024D

TikTok’s Time’s Ticking

TikTok’s ticked off as the clock’s tick-tocking for the top scrolling dot com to get s...
Culture
Pen Smith• D

TikTok’s Time’s Ticking

TikTok’s ticked off as the clock’s tick-tocking for the top scrolling dot com to get s...
Culture

Donald Trump To Scrap Daylight

The soon-to-be-former-ex-president Donald ‘the Don’ Trump has announced his plans to end daylight, saying that getting up in the morning and seeing the sun and everything was very “costly to our nation”.

Writing on the social media platform currently known as Truth Social, Trump posted, “The Republican Party will use its best efforts to eliminate Daylight, which has a small but strong constituency, but shouldn’t! Daylight is inconvenient, and very costly to our Nation. Everyone wants to stay in bed. MAKE AMERICA DARK AGAIN!”

When asked at a press conference whether Trump was sure he meant just ‘daylight’ and didn’t mean ‘Daylight Saving Time’ and that maybe he’d misheard an advisor or gotten bored after the first word and was now doubling down because he didn’t want to admit he was wrong, Trump said that, “No. I definitely meant daylight. I want to ban daylight, it’s bright, it’s expensive and gives me a terrible tan. These people, very smart people, they already showed me the plan, we’re going to build a big… umbrella. Huge umbrella. It’ll be beautiful. It will block out the sun, forever, just like in the Simpsons (season seven episode one). And Mexico will pay for it.”

However, in the process of scrapping daylight, Trump’s plan will also do away with Daylight Saving Time as there will be no need to set the clocks back, forward, or any which way at all. In fact, there won’t really be much need to do anything and it’ll probably be best if we all just pack up and go home.

America has long fought against daylight ever since the practice of “getting up and doing things” was introduced in the early 1900s. Though daylight was unpopular, more unpopular was the constant switching between “night” and “day” which confused people at the time. In the 1970s the government tried to fix this confusion by implementing permanent daylight in line with the Scandinavian model, but the move was sabotaged by ‘big oil’.

Efforts to keep us up and working all night long have continued even as recently as 2022 when the Senate passed the Sunshine Protection Act which would have entirely done away with midnight, dusk, twilight, and the moon in favor of endless blinding sunlight all year round. It was said the move would drastically increase the number of working hours and be good for the economy and things. The bill was shot down, this time by ‘an even bigger oil’.

Trump’s Permanent Nighttime would be the opposite solution to the same problem. Despite criticism, he has assured everyone it “definitely isn’t for anything seedy or anything” and that we shouldn’t worry about any “stumbling about in the dark” as we would quickly “get used to it”.

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Max Profit• December 16, 2024D

Donald Trump To Scrap Daylight

Donald Trump has announced his plans to end daylight, saying that getting up in the mornin...
Politics
Max Profit• D

Donald Trump To Scrap Daylight

Donald Trump has announced his plans to end daylight, saying that getting up in the mornin...
Politics

New Trans-Atlantic Tunnel Plans “Definitely Real” Claims Science

Over the past week, a number of legitimate and not-so-legitimate publications have written stories on a “3,400-mile tunnel” across the Atlantic Ocean connecting London and New York. All of these articles quote different numbers and refer to a vague “thought experiment” or “new research” but without saying what the hell they’re talking about. What’s going on?

Well, thankfully science has come to the rescue to explain that this tunnel is definitely real and also it is being built.

“I for one have heard of this tunnel and it is real,” said an individual associated with science. “The research all adds up and we can definitely say that this tunnel is.”

When pressed on specific details about the tunnel, the science-ist threw his lab coat in our faces and dived into a nearby canal.

Turning back to the articles then for answers, the cost of the tunnel is presumed to be $19.8 trillion. Where this presumption comes from is unclear. The journey time for tunnel users could theoretically be an oddly specific 54 minutes. What theory is being applied here and where these specific numbers come from also remains unclear. How this tunnel would actually work is also not described in any publication. And most importantly: NO ONE IS QUOTED AS THE SOURCE OF THE INFORMATION IN ANY OF THESE GODDAMN ARTICLES!!!

So where does any of this come from you might wonder. Well, maybe they all received the same press release. Maybe they’re all part of the same organization and it was a slow news day so they made something up. Maybe they all just copied each other but there is no original publication and they just copied each other going round and round without beginning or end. Maybe it was… Oh, no wait, he’s back…

“It’s real though and you can quote me on that,” said the science, dripping with canal water as he climbed back onto the land. “I’ve seen it, me and the boys, we’ve been down to the site, they’re building it, it’s big, maybe specifically 23 meters in diameter. And it’ll go underwater but you can look out of the windows and see the fish going past so it’ll be better than all the other tunnels out there. It’s true. I’m, I’m scientists.”

So that settles it, I guess I’m wrong and this is real after all. My apologies, go about your day.

Latest news

Ima Short• December 15, 2024D

New Trans-Atlantic Tunnel Plans “Definitely Real” Claims Science

Over the past week, a number of legitimate and not-so-legitimate publications have written...
Tech
Ima Short• D

New Trans-Atlantic Tunnel Plans “Definitely Real” Claims Science

Over the past week, a number of legitimate and not-so-legitimate publications have written...
Tech