Month: November 2024

Acclaimed actor, Jack Nicholson has announced he has been forced to reenter his retirement having only just said he would return to acting to play politician Mark Gaetz.

Just two weeks ago, up-and-coming President Donald Trump named Gaetz his controversial pick for attorney general. Nicholson, who has secretly played Gaetz for years announced that he would end his retirement to take on the more public role.

In a surprise turn of events, however, Gaetz was recently dropped as Trump’s pick, and having already quit his job as Congressman, he has now turned to the celebrity video platform, Cameo, for work.

Gaetz/Nicholson is charging $500 for his Cameos in which users can pay for a personalized video message such as, ‘Happy birthday’, ‘Good luck on your veterinary exam’ or ‘I admit to paying multiple sex workers for sex acts’, whatever you feel like.

According to Jack Nicholson’s PR manager, Forston Bowls, this came as a relief to the aging actor.

“Gaetz would only pop up every now and then for a spicy congressional hearing or a sex-crime investigation so it wasn’t that much of a commitment for Jack,” Bowls previously explained. Following up on the new development he added, “Jack was pissed about having to act full-time as attorney general. I mean, he hates the character he created, feels gross just pretending to be this guy. But now it’s just doing Cameos, yeah, that’s a much easier workload for Jack. Now it can go back to being the side hobby it was always supposed to be.”

Nicholson’s performance as the congressman has earned near-universal acclaim, winning a Lifetime Achievement Oscar and a Kid’s Choice award for “Favorite Pretend Politician” narrowly beating out Meryl Streep as Nancy Pelosi.

“He began the project in the first place because I think he enjoyed the challenge,” continued Bowls. “Becoming completely immersed in a character is any actor’s dream. For this role, he only needed minimal prosthetics which was ideal. I’m still amazed so many people believe he’s a real person and not just a performance.”

Many still dispute the claim that Gaetz is Jack Nicholson with multiple ‘friends’ and ‘family members’ coming out to say, “No he just looks like that.” …but they’re probably actors too.

In what many are calling the most important political debate of the year, You and Your Opinionated Uncle are scheduled to face off this Thanksgiving.

Although not the first, depending on the rhetoric, this may be the last debate between these two hot-headed candidates. Whilst You are expected to bring up numerous issues focused on policy grounded in facts and statistics, Your Opinionated Uncle is predicted to go in on “just vibes”.

It’s true that neither candidate for the title of ‘the most right family member’ has ever seen eye to eye with the other, but this year viewers are hoping for a more cordial back and forth.

“I just want to get through one Thanksgiving without having to play political mediator,” says Granny Sue who normally has your back but you are not sure how she voted this year so maybe she’s a goddamn traitor like the rest of them. “To try and calm things down, both debaters have agreed to have their mics muted whilst the other is talking.”

“I enjoy it personally,” says your cousin Jim who can’t talk because he’s been overseas with some NGO in Africa for years so how can he say he’s invested? None of this really affects him. “What? It’s fun to have a good healthy debate. A bit of intelligent discussion. It’s character-building. So long as no one gets punched like last year.”

Pundits are already putting up odds on who they think will win with 2:1 on Your Opinionated Uncle. 

Some people ask if this is really in the spirit of things. Isn’t Thanksgiving about giving thanks? Being thankful and spreading love? Well, no.

Every year millions of turkeys are slaughtered PRECISELY so you can have a shouting match with a family member who’s distant enough that you don’t mind offending them a little. 

[*The Star-Spangled Banner starts playing*]

Because America is all about our differences. It’s all about our freedom of speech and expressing that freedom violently. You have an obligation to debate the economy until the gravy gets cold and everyone hates you. That’s what the pilgrims did. You have a right, no, a god-given mandate to brandish your First Amendment right. Because if you don’t then all those Indians, all those turkeys, and probably Granny Sue as well (let’s be honest she’s on her last legs), all of them will have died for nothing.

So you cuss out your Uncle, boy. You go out there and put a smile on Lincoln’s face. Make tonight a night everyone will want to forget. Make the founding fathers proud. And God bless America.

Pass the peas, please.

This is Peter. He likes to stay informed. He keeps up to date on the news from multiple sources. He’ll even pick up a book now and then. Peter thinks he’s on top of current affairs, but even Peter is confused by all the wars in the Middle East.

“A ceasefire! Oh my god, that’s great! Palestine’s free, it’s finally free!” says Peter reacting to the news of the ceasefire in Lebanon. When Peter’s friend, Naael, asks what’s happened, Peter incorrectly summarises: “They just announced a ceasefire between Israel and Hamas! The war is over!” 

Peter then settles down to read beyond the headline. Peter quickly realizes he was wrong but doesn’t have the heart to correct himself to Naael. Naael then goes out into the world and spreads the good (fake) news.

Naael tells three of her friends about the ceasefire, those friends tell three of their friends, and within just a matter of hours, thousands of people believe the Israel-Palestine war has ended.

Thousands take to the streets to celebrate and the jubilations continue late into the night. Bystanders see the party and assume a ceasefire has occurred in Gaza, they can’t all be wrong, surely? And so the story spreads. Further, further, deeper and deeper, seeping into the minds of millions.

At last, this one great game of telephone comes to the desk of Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu. He opens the intelligence report detailing the news of a ceasefire between Israel and Palestine. Bibi is confused. He does not remember signing such a ceasefire. He did sign one the other day, but that was with someone else…

Hmm. He has been fighting a lot of wars on a lot of fronts lately, it’s hard to keep them all straight. It definitely began with an ‘H’, Hamas? Hummus? Hezbollah? Hong Kong? It’s all very confusing. Maybe he did sign a ceasefire then. If everyone’s saying he did, then he must have done so. They can’t all be wrong…

Alright, says Bibi, hold the rockets, land the planes, fall back. The war is over.

Congratulations Peter, you were right all along.

Following Ukraine’s first use of US missiles and Biden’s agreement to supply anti-personnel mines to the country, the President has now revealed that he will also allow Zelensky to use America’s secret weather-controlling technology.

The top-secret tornado machine was the same machine successfully deployed by Democrats this October in Florida to punish the red state for being red. Although details are scant on how it actually works, experts suggest the device may involve a giant teaspoon suspended by a helicopter that spins around really fast until a cyclone is created.

Now this same tech will be transported to Ukraine and operate against frontline Russian troops. The ‘Hurri-kraine’ as it has now been dubbed will likely disrupt communications, supply lines, and if we’re really lucky maybe we’ll even get a little snow and we can make snowmen or have a snowball fight, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?

Zelensky was happy to receive the machine, commenting, “Thank you.”

Putin however was not happy Ukraine now has the machine, commenting, “No thank you.”

The war rages on.

President Biden gave the order from his secret treehouse in the Amazon rainforest where he now lives. Some have accused Biden of attempting to start World War III before Trump can enter office. To this, Jobs Golightly, a White (Tree)House spokesperson said, “No, that’s poppycock. Everyone knows that WWIII has already begun. What else would you call an armed conflict in which all the nations of the globe have become involved? Please.”

When asked about the rain-maker and whether it would be deployed again on American soil where it belongs, Golightly responded, “Wait, that’s classified, how do you know about that? Why would you say that out loud? What the hell is wrong with you? Ugh. The lame-stream media make me sick. SICK! Sorry, I have to go and throw up.” He then promptly fled the room.

Here’s hoping Biden’s storm-o-matic 3000 will bring about a swift end to the war and have no other repercussions whatsoever like summoning the wrath of the weather spirits angered for challenging their might.

Stormy Daniels could not be reached for comment.