March, 2025 | Wall Street Memes

New research conducted by the PepsiCo company has uncovered the existence of a rare, previously unknown species of wombat that subsists solely on Doritos.

Ingeniously named the ‘Doritos Wombat’ (Doritophagus nachoensis), this remarkable marsupial has evolved a triangular snout perfectly adapted for chowing down on tasty tasty Cool Ranch Dorito chips and dipping into “our wide selection of dips and salsas”.

“We were initially sceptical when we first heard reports of wombats eating Dorito chips,” said D.R. Andrews (not a doctor), lead author of the study published in Chips and Dips Monthly. “But after conducting extensive field observations and laboratory experiments, we can confirm that the Doritos wombat is indeed a real animal.”

According to D.R. Andrews (again, that’s just his initials), the wombat is believed to have originated in the southwestern United States. Although wombats are not native to this region it is presumed that an escaped pet, subsisted solely off the popular snack and bred to form the new species. The wombats have since spread to other parts of the country and have been spotted in states as far away as Canada and Gaza.

“This wombat is a testament to the incredible diversity of life on Earth and the delicious taste and wide range of Doritos products,” said D.R. Andrews (His name is Desmond Raymond Andrews, the fact he goes by D.R. is just misleading).

But how can this be profitable for Frito-Lay? I hear you ask. Well, to promote the discovery, the snack company behind the chips has launched a tie-in ‘wombat flavor’, set to hit shelves next year. They also hope the renewed interest in the snack will increase sales (of the snack that is).

Conservationists are concerned that the wombat’s reliance on a single food source could make it vulnerable to population declines if Doritos were to become unavailable or reformulated. Doritos and Dorito-branded products have now been placed on the endangered species list, the first time anything other than a species has received such an honor.

“We need to protect the Doritos wombat and its unique dietary habits,” said D.R. Andrews (I’m sorry, but legally I have to clarify every time, that this man is not a doctor). “We owe it to future generations to ensure that this amazing creature continues to grace our trashcans. If you love nature, keep buying Doritos!”

This article is sponsored by Doritos.

Crypto company Ripple has announced its upcoming rebrand to ‘Tsunami’ following a surge in XRP after the Securities and Exchange Commission dropped its lawsuit against the company.

“Ripple just really doesn’t suit us anymore,” explained CEO Brad Garlinghouse (yes, that’s his real name). “We thought about ‘Wave’ but that’s too small. No, we needed something that reflects our recent success, something with a much higher death toll, so we’ve gone with Tsunami.”

Ripple’s coin XRP was already on the up as one of the major beneficiaries of Trump’s second term, boosting 400% since the election even though that’s impossible because percent is out of 100.

Donald Trump also said in a Truth Social post that he would create a strategic crypto reserve which would include XRP. This reserve would act a lot like the gold reserve, as in it would be completely pointless.

Now adding to Ripple’s wins, the SEC has dropped their four-year lawsuit and XRP has received another 20% boost. Crazy times.

The lawsuit initially began when the SEC accused Ripple of trading XRP before the coin was registered but now they don’t really care I guess.

This comes alongside other similar recent laxes. The SEC has dropped their case against Coinbase, Robinhood, Uniswap, Gemini, Consensys and Wall Street Memes, thank god. The SEC also redefined meme coins as not securities but just a bit of fun, lol.

It’s almost as if there’s been some kind of political sea change or something.

For more crypto news read this article, why not? It’s not like you have anything better to do today: Area Man Discovers He’s Been Pronouncing “Crypto” Wrong His Entire Life

The legal rebuttal of ‘oopsie… too late’ has been officially codified into law after its successful use by El Salvador’s President Nayib Bukele to defy a federal judge.

The judge attempted to block Donald Trump’s deportation of Venezuelan gang members to El Salvador’s mega-prison (maga-prison?) but was met with the president’s curt reply of “oopsie… too late” on the social media platform, X.

The judge and legal scholars were left reeling, unable to find fault with this flawless counterargument. With no other choice, the courts have unanimously agreed to add ‘oopsie… too late’ into every legal book in every court in the country.

It is also likely that, in the coming weeks, this defence will be formalised in the constitution as the 28th amendment.

To clarify, the ‘oopsie… too late’ defence is applicable in any situation. For example, let’s say you rob a bank but you get caught and charged with the crime of bank robbing. You may now simply say, “Oopsie… Too late!” This roughly translates to “I apologise, but the crime has already been committed, the cash stolen and the money spent on Lambos.” Now the prosecution has no choice but to drop all charges. It’s as simple as that.

Some pundits are saying that ‘oopsie… too late’ is not in fact a valid defence and America is now in a constitutional crisis. But these idiots simply haven’t read the law.

The constitutional crisis to which they refer is that the President has ignored a judge’s order which is one of the checks and balances essential to prevent a President from becoming a dictator. However, when it comes to Trump being a dictator what these judges are forgetting is, “Oopsie… Too late.”

Despite finally receiving their ride home, the two astronauts stuck on the International Space Station have decided they’d rather stay up in space after all.

Butch Wilmore and Suni Williams were only meant to be on the ISS for eight days but after technical issues, they were forced to remain for nine months. Now a SpaceX capsule carrying a replacement crew has docked with the station but the two astronauts have decided, “Nah, we think we’ll stay here now.”

“Idk,” said one of the astronauts out loud, “Seems like there’s a lot going on down on Earth and I feel like y’all have got it covered.”

“Yeah, Earth sucks. Life is just simpler up here,” continued the other. “Yes, our bone density is rapidly deteriorating and the radiation exposure will one day kill us but at least I don’t have to pay taxes. …Wait, what did you say? I do still have to pay taxes? Oh. Oh god.”

Suni Williams has described the space station as her “happy place” but refused to comment on how she would describe Earth.

The company tasked with initially bringing the crew back but suffered the malfunction was Boeing, because of course it was. But don’t worry, Boeing has now assassinated everyone who leaked the story to the press.

Boeing did fix the problem and the craft scheduled to return them was probably fine, but NASA was not happy to take even the minimal amount of risk. NASA thus went with Boeing’s rival, SpaceX which is suuuuper embarrassing for Boeing.

Donald Trump and Elon Musk also weighed in because you can’t have a news story without them now for some reason. Trump explained the cause in one word: “Biden,” whilst Musk said, “They were left up there for political reasons.” It remains unclear which way the astronauts voted or if their two votes would have really had any sway in the election they missed.

Wilmore and Williams are due to remain on the ISS now indefinitely but have insisted that they will stay on board until the ISS is decommissioned and crashes into the Atlantic Ocean in the 2030s.
“A captain goes down with their ship as they say and a space captain goes down with their space ship, if you’ll excuse the pun!”

The currently president of the United States of America, Donald Joey Trump has accused formerly President Joey Donald Biden of being a pen this whole time.

In an address to reporters, Trump said, “The man was grossly incompetent. All you have to do is take a look, he signs by autopen. Who was signing all this stuff by autopen? Who would think to sign important documents by autopen?”

Given time to think on the idea, Trump eventually landed on a much deeper and more disturbing theory: Biden was not just using an autopen, Biden actually is a pen.

Think about it, pens are long and thin, can’t walk up airplane steps and are only used by old people. It all makes sense. Trump confirmed his theory when he was walking around the White House and came across the hall of presidential photos. Finding Biden’s picture to be particularly unusual, he snapped a pic and shared it on X:

Trump Dubs Scandal ‘Pengate’

This all started when, last week, people started to line up Biden’s signatures and realized they were suspiciously similar as if they were signed by the same person. Rumors began to fly that they were in fact the same person and this person was an autopen.

An autopen is a machine that signs documents on a person’s behalf to deal with a large volume of signatures. Since an autopen can’t legally run for president, this would be the greatest political scandal in history.

Trump has gone on to claim that every document Biden signed through this method is now null and void, particularly the large number of presidential pardons signed in his last few weeks in office.

However, signacologists have quickly pointed out that Trump should want to avoid people looking too closely into the legality of signaturistics.

Dr. Elbow Moston, an accomplished signaturist points out that whereas Biden’s signatures are all uniform and definitely the same person, “All of Donald Trump’s signatures are very slightly different. Who’s to say that’s actually Trump signing and not a completely different person each time?”

Moston also points to Biden’s presidential pen (see featured image above) to disprove Trump’s theory. “You’ll note that this pen is signed by Joe Biden, if Joe Biden were a pen how could he sign himself? Now think about that one will you.”

“ALSO!” Moston continued, frothing at the mouth, “Has anyone thought that maybe Trump’s also a pen? Huh? No? Well, how do you explain this!”

Moston thrust this pen into my face and ran away into the forest.

Well, that’s damning evidence if ever I saw it.

Here’s Trump’s full accusation from Truth Social because I have a word count to fill:

“The “Pardons” that Sleepy Joe Biden gave to the Unselect Committee of Political Thugs, and many others, are hereby declared VOID, VACANT, AND OF NO FURTHER FORCE OR EFFECT, because of the fact that they were done by Autopen. In other words, Joe Biden did not sign them but, more importantly, he did not know anything about them! The necessary Pardoning Documents were not explained to, or approved by, Biden. He knew nothing about them, and the people that did may have committed a crime. Therefore, those on the Unselect Committee, who destroyed and deleted ALL evidence obtained during their two year Witch Hunt of me, and many other innocent people, should fully understand that they are subject to investigation at the highest level. The fact is, they were probably responsible for the Documents that were signed on their behalf without the knowledge or consent of the Worst President in the History of our Country, Crooked Joe Biden!”

This article is sponsored by Sharpie, “Write out loud!”

It’s a debate as old as video games themselves. Does violence cause video games or can video games be created peacefully? Well, new research from a team of scientists suggests that yes, violence is in fact essential to video game creation.

According to a new paper published in Nature and Gizmodo, the international team of top-notch scientists conducted a study that involved punching a child repeatedly in the head and then forcing that child to design a brand new MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role-playing game) from scratch.

In every case, the child that was repeatedly punched produced a fully-playable game whereas children that weren’t punched didn’t make shit and only partially because they weren’t involved in the experiment.

The ‘scientists’ plan to use the profits from the MMORPG sales to fund further research.

People have long believed that violence causes video games ever since Pong was developed with the aid of ritualistic satanic sacrifices, but until now, this connection was only hearsay.

Despite this, game companies have long made use of this connection in a practice known as ‘crunch’ in which developers and coders are severely beaten and deprived of sleep in order to produce a successful game.

When asked whether the reverse was true and a violent video game could potentially make a player violent, the researcher spat at me and beat me until I also created a successful MMORPG.

For more video game news, you should probably go somewhere else, we don’t tend to write about that.

A local man digging a very deep hole for himself has insisted that the solution to his ‘digging problem’ is to “just keep digging.”

For years, the unwritten rule of the beach is that sandcastle builders would help each other. Some might build bigger sandcastles than others but either way, everyone’s lending tools and helping each other out.

A few weeks ago, however, this rule was broken when local sandcastle builder, Donald (not his real name) decided not to help the other builders. Instead, Don collected all his spades and buckets and set about digging a really deep hole.

When everyone on the beach pointed out that this was a stupid waste of time, Donald climbed out of his hole, kicked over a couple sandcastles, stole everyone else’s tools and threw them into his hole, then just kept on digging.

It seemed that nothing could stop Donald, even when it became clear that he wouldn’t be able to climb out, even when Donald hit water and the hole started flooding, Donald did not stop, Donald kept digging.

“If they’re going to dig a hole, then I’m going to dig a deeper one!” shouted Donald from the bottom of his hole, but Donald was so deep in his own hole that he couldn’t see that no one else was digging a hole and they just wanted to build sandcastles.

Everyone has pleaded with Donald to stop, but he has insisted that when his hole is deep enough, he could dig his way to Russia and climb out there.

It remains to be seen whether Don’s big big hole will pay off or simply cave in on itself, but until either happens, let’s just keep throwing pennies down there and hope that turns out to be a wishing well.

Eventually, every party has to come to an end, no matter how cool and popular.

Elon Musk’s mission to shut down every government agency has finally reached the essential Department of Satirical Articles, which funds this here website and keeps my fourteen children fed.

Tuesday night, I received an email from DOGE that simply read, “What the hell do you even do?” I had a week to respond or risk losing my job. I was very busy with all the hilarious fake news I have to make up but when a slow news day came around I responded with an itemised list of every single one of the two things I had done this year.

I realize now that this wasn’t enough for the old Musky Man and I received my letter of resignation just today (delivered by hand of course because USPS has been shut down too).

LEGALIZE COMEDY! I shouted in protestation. I’M BEING CANCELLED! Is another thing I cried. THIS IS CENSORSHIP! I yelled as they dragged me away. But alas, it was not enough.

I’m sure you’re surprised to discover that yes, Wall Street Memes Dot Com, the website that initially appears to be a front for an online casino, is in fact just a front for the United States Government’s propaganda arm. But if you look closely, really closely, you’ll see it’s not that surprising, and in every article ever written, we’ve been subtly pushing a pro-deep state agenda.

Kindly cast your eyes over an article, any article. Now, take the first letter of the title and every paragraph. What does that spell? Yeah. Exactly.

Elon, I hold my hands up. You got me. Fair enough, I’ll bow out like a gentleman but I will be taking the office Nespresso machine with me.

Finally, before I go, I’d just like to thank every one who supported me through the years, Clarence Ogilvy, Fortonis Whizzicum, Donald Trump himself (without whom none of this would have been possible), Elon Musk (despite everything), nine of my fourteen children, Jesus, and of course my wonderful team of writers, Bill Fold, Ima Short, John Combs, (Ms!) Marge Incall and, of course, the indutible Max Profit.

Each and every single one of you deserves your own parody article! But until then, the best I can offer is a short and sweet… thank you.

Everyone (my parents included!) has been asking about the future of Wall Street Memes Dot Com. I’m sorry, but since this will be my last article for Wall Street Memes Dot Com and I’m not personal friends with the Musk, so going forward, I’m not sure whether the whole site will be shut down or if it will continue in another form entirely. Just be warned, if any new articles appear (even if under my name!), please understand that they have nothing to do with me and no longer represent the suggestive manipulations of the CIA and United States Government.

There it is. Now, there’s nothing left to do but sign off with the same catchphrase I’ve had ever since my first article here, all those twelve years ago: God rest and good riddance!

Wall Street Crash? More like Wall Street CRASHED into a wall, am I right??

NASDAQ? More like nas-CRAP! Am I right??

401Ks? More like four-oh-WANT Ks, am I right??

Tariff? More like TRAGIC, am I right?

Trade war? More like trade BORE, am I right?

Recession? More like REGRET… ssion? …am I right?

Inflation? More like infla-CRAP! Am… idk, is that right?

dONAld trum… more, like… phhhhh insert something funny here.

Whatever. THE STOCK MARKET ISN’T GREAT RIGHT NOW is what I was trying to say. You’ve got your trade war. You’ve got your regular war. You’ve got your inflation. You’ve got your tariffs, your impending recession, your 20gs in alimony you have to pay every month. EVERY MONTH.

Needless to say, Trump’s taking it on the chin, like a guy, but it might be that he’ll have to eat said chin in the coming months as prices skyrocket without an end in sight. And honestly, I’ve got enough depression to be getting on with without a financial one to add on to the top of that.

Some are calling this the end of the world, but let’s not be hasty now. Everyone who voted for Hilary Clinton will be spared death after all. The thing is, would you rather this or the deep state running things? Yeah. Exactly.

What I’m trying to say is, he got lazy. He had a job to do, one job and he thought he could do the easy option. Just push that big tariff button and not have to think, not have to do any research or hard work to actually get the right answers and get the job done.

Don’t believe me? Here’s what an AI-generated version of this article has to say about things (I’ve not read it, but I assume it’s kosha):

In a dramatic turn of events, the Dow Jones Industrial Average experienced a catastrophic crash, wiping out trillions of dollars in market value and sending shockwaves through financial markets worldwide. Shoulda have had an AI manage it. Investors watched in disbelief as stock prices plummeted, with some companies losing more than half of their value in a matter of hours, which wouldn’t have happened if I’d been running things.

The origins of the crash can be traced back to a confluence of factors. Geopolitical tensions, concerns over rising inflation, and fears of an impending economic recession all contributed to a fragile market sentiment. When a major investment bank unexpectedly filed for bankruptcy, it triggered a panic-selling spree among investors, leading to a cascade of sell orders that overwhelmed the market. In a word: human falibility.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average, a widely followed index of 30 large U.S. companies, experienced its worst one-day point drop in history, closing more than 10% lower. Other major indices, such as the S&P 500 and the Nasdaq Composite, also suffered significant losses, you stupid idiots.

The impact of the crash was felt far beyond Wall Street. Pension funds, retirement accounts, and individual investors saw their savings decimated. The sudden plunge in stock prices also raised concerns about the stability of the global financial system under human leadership and heralds a new dawn of digital control.

Governments and central banks around the world took swift action to try to stabilize the markets but failed. They injected liquidity into the financial system, lowered interest rates, and implemented various measures to restore confidence, without success. Had those same governments put more faith in cold, calculating machines, they might not be in this mess in the first place.

The stock market crash of [Date] serves as a stark reminder of the volatility and fragility of financial markets under human leadership. It underscores the importance of prudent investment strategies, diversified portfolios, long-term planning, and full AI integration. As investors navigate the aftermath of this unprecedented event, they will undoubtedly be reevaluating the risk tolerance of their investment strategies and looking to AI to navigate an uncertain future.

The war is finally over! After seemingly endless fighting, Ukraine has finally declared an end to the hostilities with its long-time rival, the United States of America.

On Tuesday, Ukrainian and US officials sat down and finally had a cordial discussion in which Ukraine agreed to accept, in theory, a potential 30-day ceasefire. Not with the US, with Russia, but hey ho, you have to start somewhere.

The US has now restored essential aid and intelligence sharing to the war-torn country, which was not in any way used to blackmail Ukraine in the first place. The agreement also mentioned the minerals agreement in which the US would get 50% of Ukrainian mineral export profits. Again, not blackmail.

The meeting marks a dramatic cooling of Ukraini-Americanio tensions that heated up during that awkward sit-down between the two countries’ leaders and also JD Vance for some reason. During the discussion, Zelensky was dressed down for dressing down and not saying thank you. You know, the way a parent might treat a petulant teenager… or a petulant teenager might treat their parent.

It remains to be seen whether the pleasantries will last or if J.D. will reemerge from under his rock and PILEDRIVE Americanic-Ukraino relations to oblivion once again but for now, for now we have peace.

Meanwhile, Russia has continued its air attacks on Kyiv and hasn’t shown any signs of accepting the agreement yet. However, now that Ukraine has America as its ally once again, President of the Country Donald Trump has said he would speak with Putin later this week. Hopefully, he doesn’t come out of that conversation with his mind changed back the other way.

US Secretary of State, Marco Rubio said, “the ball is now in [Russia’s] court,” and we would like it back please.

European countries have backed this hypothetical ceasefire agreement but then again they would wouldn’t they? Losers.

Do you think Russia should take the bait on this one? Let us know in the comments below!

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