2025 | Wall Street Memes

Richest man, Elon Musk has denied any connection to the man connected with every rich man and former pedo, Jeffrey Epstein, claiming that he is unable to even spell his name.

Musk tweeted (x’d) out a version of the name in which the i and the e were the wrong way around, ie: ‘ie’ thus proving he had no connection to the guy.

Come on, “i before e except with a p-do”, didn’t you learn that in school?

Musk continued to explain that he never did nothing with that guy saying, “I don’t even like kids.”

The defence comes after documents were released in which Musk was offered an all-expenses-paid trip to kiddy-fiddle island. It’s unclear if he accepted this offer.

Something smells bad here, and I’m wondering if it’s from the guy whose name means smelly.

Musk has temporarily retired his go-to insult of accusing any critic of being a pedophile after previously calling Trump a nonce. Way back in June Elon said that Donald Trump “is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public.”

But Musk has since rescinded his words, X’ing, “I regret some of my posts about President @realDonaldTrump last week. They went too far.” he has deleted the original Tweet-shit-‘X’, and given a formal explanation for the accusation.

“I mistyped,” explained Musk. “Obviously, I meant to say Ronald Prump is in the Epstein files. He’s a completely different person who has no relation to Donald Trump. It was an honest mistake.”

Reportedly, federal agents tracked down a Mr. Ronald Prump in Wausau, Wisconsin, and coordinated a full-scale SWAT operation on his property. In the raid, officers arrested the individual, seized over 4GB of personal computer data, and accidentally shot his dog.

Mr. Prump is currently detained and awaiting trial.

“It’s not every day that you get to catch a big fish like this,” explained an officer involved in the raid. “But this Prump fella’s the worst of the worst. Big time pedo. We got a tip off that goes all the way to the top, so you know it’s legit.”

Mr. Prump’s lawyer denies all exculpations: “The only Epstein my client knows is his Epstein EcoTank ET-4810 A4 Colour Multifunction Inkjet Printer, C11CK57401.”

For those of you living under a rock where it’s warm and quiet and you don’t have to hear about any of this, the Epstein files (AKA the (se)X-files, AKA the pedo-files) are a collection of documents relating to ex-sex-pest J. Epstein, potentially listing numerous high-profile individuals involved in his crimes.

The release of these files could potentially reveal irrefutably that Donald Trump was in cahoots with Epstein in a way that evidence like photographs, videos, flight logs, and public statements declaring their friendship never could.

For more on this story read this: Trump Sues New York Times $15 Billion For Copyright Infringement Over Epstein Drawing

As Congress once again sprints toward its favorite seasonal tradition of not doing its job, gold prices quietly hit an all-time high this week, cementing the precious metal’s status as the only adult in the room.

Traders cheered the news by panic-buying gold bars, commemorative coins, and, for some reason, Pokémon cards, while lawmakers celebrated by leaving early for golf and publicly debating whether or not the government should be considered “essential.”

“Markets are reacting to the realization that our leaders couldn’t pass a group project in community college,” said financial analyst Brent Callahan, polishing his tenth gold necklace of the morning. “When the people printing money are also the people threatening to stop showing up to work, investors want something shiny they can bury in their backyard.”

Meanwhile, U.S. Treasury officials attempted to calm nerves by reminding citizens that “a government shutdown is just like a vacation, except everyone loses pay, services collapse, and the world starts questioning whether we’re a serious country.”

Shoppers Rush to Prepare

At Costco locations nationwide, shoppers were seen loading carts with g-old Krugerrands, canned beans, and AR-15s, a survival kit financial advisors now refer to as the “Freedom ETF.” One shopper was heard muttering, “If Social Security checks stop, at least I can barter my way through the apocalypse with this 10-ounce bar.”

Wall Street insiders confirmed that hedge funds are even more excited about the shutdown, as it provides another opportunity to short America itself. “We already bet against student loans, healthcare, and the postal service,” said one hedge fund manager. “Shorting the government is just vertical integration.”

Politicians Respond To Gold

Asked about giold’s surge, Senator Chuck Grassley reportedly replied, “Back in my day, you could buy three farms, a Chevy, and a wife for one ounce of guld. Now it just gets you a front-row ticket to society’s slow-motion collapse.”

House Republicans, meanwhile, announced they were planning a “Shutdown Gold Gala,” where donors can purchase influence with either bullion or Venmo. Democrats responded with a sternly worded group text that immediately leaked to Politico.

The Future of Gold

Economists predict that goold could soar even higher if the government continues to confuse “running a nation” with “an improv exercise performed by sleep-deprived interns.” Bitcoin advocates, however, remain optimistic that digital goouild will eventually replace real geld, although most admitted they’d still rather have something heavy enough to bash open a can of beans.

Who knows what will happen next, but one thing remains clear: the American dream may be tarnished, but at least gald’s still shiny.

Late-night talk show host and former sexpest, Jimmothy J. Kimmel has been jailed for killing popular political podcaster and former sexpest, Charles J. Kirk.

Kimmel previously made a comment about the political firestorm surrounding Kirk’s murder, saying that, “The MAGA Gang [are] desperately trying to characterise this kid who murdered Charlie Kirk as anything other than one of them and doing everything they can to score political points from it.”

So, implying that Tyler Robinson (the alleged shooter) is a Trump supporter is pretty misleading and not a great idea, but it’s hardly a reason to cancel the show, which is exactly what happened. Feels like it’s just an excuse to silence another critic of our glorious leader.

Well, anyway, the steps have gone a step further and now Trump’s accusing Kimmel himself of being the real mastermind all along.

According to the legal case, Trump says that Kimmel’s comment, if you rearrange the letters, it constitutes a confession to the murder. Plus Kimmel, that kinda sounds like ‘kill-all’. Think about that.

Kimmel’s now been arrested and is awaiting trial.

Robinson, the actual suspect, has now been released and will be the new host of Jimmy Kimmel Live.

When reached for comment, Trump explained that this was in no way an attempt to silence his opposition, but was just a bit of fun, so stop asking.

Kimmel is now facing the death penalty for murder.

MAKE COMEDY LEGAL AGAIN!

For more comedy news, click here: GOLDEN GLOBES: United States Government Wins ‘Best Comedy Or Musical’

Those nerds over at Meta/Facebook (AKA Facebook) just unveiled their latest attempt to make everyone look like complete nerds so the Meta nerds will look normal for once.

These “smart glasses” are powered by AI, have a full-color high-resolution display in one lens, have a 12-pixel camera and come in Ray-Ban and Oakley flavors too.

The demo was a little shaky, not fully working all the time, but when do regular glasses work all the time? I know that I sometimes have vision delays, I black out, blurry vision, I have visions of Mark Zuckerberg talking to me, yeah, maybe it’s the alcohol, but honestly, I think it’s my glasses glitching so I’m not going to deduct points for Marky Mark’s not working all the time.

GIVE ME THE ZUCK.

Sorry, I don’t know what came over me there…

Meta also unveiled a neural wristband that I don’t know what it does. You don’t have neurons in your wrist. Even I’m not a neuroscience expert and I know that.

Oh, ok, it pairs with the glasses and turns your gestures into commands. Like a keyboard, but you can’t lick it.

The glasses retail for like $300, depending on which brand you get.

Let’s wait and see if we’ll all be looking like nerds pinching air in the next few years or if we’ll just stick to tapping at little pocket mirrors. Could be the future? Could be.

Alright, that’ll do.

For more Meta news, click here: Facebook Asks Workers Not To Breathe On Company Time, Please

In a development that in no way means anything, a giant golden statue of Donald Trump has been erected (lol) in Washington.

The statue is the work of the Donald J. Trump Golden Statue project, a group of cryptocurrency investors whose purpose remains unclear. Probs erecting (lol) a golden statue of Donald J. Trump.

Oh wait, they explained it, “This statue stands as a tribute to Trump’s visionary leadership and unwavering commitment to advancing the future of finance through Bitcoin and decentralized technologies.”

OK, fine, so it’s just a golden idol, nothing to worry about. Definitely not the end of the world or anything.

Oop, no, hold on, they’ve released a token alongside it, the DJTGST token. Ok, so it’s an advert for a meme coin. Which, btw, peaked at $300,000 dollars in real money. Almost enough to pay for a real gold statue.

The statue is, of course, not real gold, but the colour was chosen because it just so happens to be Trump’s favorite color. And just because it’s gold doesn’t mean it’s money, DOESN’T MEAN THIS STATUE CONSTITUTES A BRIBE!!

It’s not a bribe, ok?

The statue made a big splash on X (I mean, it’s heavy, it’s going to make a big splash), with opinions going both ways, but it hasn’t seemed to have made much of an impression beyond that. Given that Trump’s overseas atm, it’s unclear if he’s even seen it.

I’m still holding out for a cute pic of the two, tho, that would be fun.

Anyway, that’s about all on that. If you’d like more gold news, you can read this story: Trump Unveils $25bn Golden Dome, Arrested For Indecent Exposure

Intel’s struggling to stay afloat and has already sold off some 10% to the US Government (some how). Now it’s looking like their next biggest rival Nvidia will cut out a chunk from the company to the tune of $5 billion, about 4% of the company making it one of the largest shareholders.

I guess Nvidia doesn’t have a chip its shoulder…

Intel instantly got a boost from the purchase so that’s good but who’s to say if this represents the beginning of an upswing for the corp or it’s the start of the company being sold off for parts.

And honestly, I don’t know how this works, like, isn’t this a conflict of interest? I really don’t understand how any of this works. What am I doing here?

The new pact is for Intel and Nvidia to develop data centres together, hand in hand, like nothing ever happened.

This new alliance could represent a threat to rival chip makers AMD, TSMC, and KFC who might now face the combined might of the two biggest chip manufacturers combined.

Ooh, maybe they’ll rebrand, let’s brainstorm names:

INvidia

That’s quite could, no need to change the pronunciation or anything, smooth and easy.

Nvtel

Ngl, that’s pretty shit. Basically illegible. Not sure what we’re even achieving there.

Nvidiatel

The maximalist option. Corporate boring. 6/10.

Nvidia-Intel

Probably the option they’d actually go with. Boring. Sucks. I hate it.

Intel-Nvidia

Not going to happen. Nvidia have the power, 100% they’ll put themselves first.

Chip Boys

I’m just putting it out there, they should go with something else, something brand new no one’s expecting. My vote is Chip Boys, but Chip Brothers, Chip Men, something along those lines, that would be cool.

More on this story here: Trump Agrees To Billion-Dollar Saudi Chip Deal, Frito-Lay Stocks Max Out

Yeah, we’re probably not getting that future you imagined with flying cars, jetpacks and infinite ice cream any time soon…

During a rehearsal for a Chinese airshow last week, two flying cars crashed into each other after one of them didn’t use its flying turn signals correctly at a flying stop sign.

One car caught fire, and a pilot was injured, so actually, you’re not allowed to make jokes about this.

Damn, only two flying cars in the whole world, and somehow they crashed into each other? What are the odds?

This reminds me of how in 1895 there were only two cars in the whole state of Ohio and SOMEHOW they crashed into each o… oh, oh wait I’ve just looked it up and apparently that never happened.

Well, either way, this real story is 100% what someone would come up with if they were asked to think of a sci-fi version of the same story. “In 2025, there were only two flying cars in the whole state of China and SOMEHOW they crashed into each other. Lol.”

The crash could be the biggest setback for flying cars since someone cut together all that old-timey footage of people peddling bicycles with flapping wings off cliffs. That’s great news for people with a fear of flying, but bad news for Elon Musk, who had a whole 5-year plan set out to turn the world into an episode of The Jetsons.

Year One: Tesla’s self-driving electric cars become the only form of transportation.

Year Two: Tesla’s self-driving electric cars reveal a secret rocket booster underneath that they had hidden the whole time and then they take off and then they fly and then it’s super cool.

Year Three: With the profits from the flying cars, give everyone jetpacks.

Year Four: Self-drive all the illegal immigrants in their flying cars and jetpacks out of America and up to Mars.

Year Five: Having solved all of America’s problems, they will have to make me the President of the United States of America.

Unfortunately the Tesla CEO will be forced to rip up this crayon-doodled napkin and start again.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, flying car crash.

For more news that sounds like science fiction but is 100% true, click here: Katy Perry Struggling To Readjust To Life On Earth, “Space Is My True Home Now”

Yeah, we’re due for a crash.

According to Reuters and literally anyone you ask on the street, the housing market is as unaffordable as it’s ever been.

Things aren’t changing soon either with that Reuters report saying that rates are slowing other rates so the rate of those rates returning aren’t highly rated.

Here, take a look for yourself: “Persistent supply shortages and stretched affordability have kept most first-time buyers on the sidelines with existing homeowners reluctant to sell properties financed at mortgage rates below 4%, further choking activity,” they said.

Phhhhtttffff, not sure what to do about that then. I mean, I’m happy with my cardboard box for now, yeah, my landlord’s shit and refuses to demould my flaps but what do you expect for $2000 a month?

House prices are expected to go up by 2.1% this year and just 1.3% next year which you know are real numbers because they have a decimal in them.

Oh that reminds me of some other dire house-financial news from back in June, I feel like I can just recycle that to up the word count here, right? No one’s actually reading these right? Ok, here it is:

In news that would give any boomer an aneurysm, the US Federal Housing Finance Agency has just issued an order to value Bitcoin and crypto as assets for a mortgage.

Real estate just got a little more virtual, paving the way for zip code NFTs and shitty timeshares scams entirely on the blockchain.

After decades of being denied access to the property ladder, coiners can now join the exclusive club of people allowed to own houses, along with anyone over the age of 50 and shady Russian oligarchs.

Bitcoin owners across the world collectively high-fived each other and said, simultaneously, “What could possibly go wrong?”

In completely unrelated news, Paramount Pictures has greenlit ‘The Big Short 2: Electric Boogaloo’.

Whilst details about the script remain under lock and key, producers have hinted that they were “Inspired by very recent events.”

“I’m not saying we’re heading for another housing market crash,” commented Adam McKay, who’s already signed on to direct the sequel. “But we’re heading for another housing market crash.”

“This one’s going to be spicier than the original, though,” McKay continued. “We’ve already cast Zach Galifianakis as Elon Musk and George Clooney as a Bitcoin.”

Alright, if that’s all the news for today, I’m off to go swap my DOGECOIN for a mansion with a view of the ocean.

Woke ice cream manufacturer ‘Ben & Jerry’s’ will soon be dropping the iconic ‘Jerry’ part after woke co-founder Jerry Greenfield quit the company over some woke BS.

“It’s woke or broke,” quipped my dad in reaction to the news, and I thought that was pretty funny, so I said I’d write it into the article and give him a shout-out.

The company initially planned to rename the famed ice cream brand just ‘Ben’s’ but that was already taken by ‘Uncle Ben’s’, which rebranded a few years ago to just ‘Ben’s’ because the word ‘uncle’ is racist now.

Ben & Jerry’s? More Like Peanutbutter And Jelly

This all began when jerry and ben sold the ‘Sloppy BJ Cream Corp’ to Unilever in 2000 but insisted that they would be able to stay woke. (BJs have always been woke, they love the gays etc.)

BUT Unilever reneged on this promise in 2021 when B&J refused to sell in Israeli-occupied Palestine, prompting backlash from BJ-cream-hungry Israelis and Unilever said that was one woke too far.

BJ then sued Unilever last year for stopping them from posting pro-Palestine-abortion-climate-change-universal-healthcare-anti-trump online messages and then also Unilever fired a CEO for progressive comments. Allegedly. Please don’t fire me.

Magnum is being spun off from Unilever anyways so BJ asked last week if, whilst they’re spinning anyways they could just spin a little more and spin off a BJ too. But it’s too late BJ, you already sold your soul and you should have foreseen these exact circumstances happening 25 years later.

It’s unclear what Jerry will do next with his newfound free time but will potentially start his own rival ice cream business called, “Not Ben, Just Jerry’s” with no ice cream and just the cookie dough. AKA: a license to print money.

For more food/politics news, read this one: Coca-Cola To Change Recipe Back To Cocaine, Trump Takes Credit

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Wow, surprise, surprise! It’s almost like this whole article, this whole website, in fact, is just an extended advert for an online casino. Oh, you thought we were just here to make funny news satire finance article story parodies? You think anyone’s actually paying for that kind of stuff? Oh my poor, poor, innocent fool. It’s all just an ad. That’s all it’s ever been.

Hey, you know what, you’ve sat patiently through this extended ad, why don’t have have a real joke article, on the house: If You Can Read This, You Might Have Brain Rot

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