February, 2026 | Wall Street Memes

Because apparently, you people can’t enjoy a real conspiracy theory, you have to make up a fake one too.

Yeah, this is another hoax that rears its head every few months and (because we’ve all injected pure, undiluted conspiracy theory into our veins what with the Epstein files) bullshit has made it into the water supply.

The culprit for reviving this particular ruse is literally just one tweet. But it does have half a million views so I guess I need to cover it…

The tweet reads, “CRAZY: [american flag emoji for some reason] According to the Epstein emails, the Gold at Fort Knox is completely missing! [panicky emoji just in case you didn’t know how to feel]”

The guilty party. And I’m not talking about Epstein.

There are zero links, sources, explanations, or even an image of the emails that point to this ‘fact’. So it’s clearly just someone happy to make up BS for ‘engagement’. And, judging by the use of emojis, this was probably pitched by an AI off the prompt, ‘gimme some Epstein clickbait plz’.

It’s an old hoax, designed to sow distrust in traditional financial institutions and probably sell you cryptocurrencies or something.

Opportunity Knox

Professional shit-eater Elon Musk has been known to parrot the ‘theory’ because he also believes everyone’s stuck inside a computer game so will honestly believe anything.

Oh and in case you were wondering, yes, there is gold in Fort Knox.

But it’s baffling isn’t it, that we have a bonafide evil ring of rich elites tarricking children and you greedy idiots still want to believe the nonsense? You still need fairytales of government malfeasance when the truth is well known and far more shocking?

Please. Can everyone please just grow up?

We’ve had Trump’s bonus tax for consumers (or as he likes to call them ‘tariffs’) for nearly a year now and, surprise, surprise, the economic policy of ‘pissing off your trade partners’ hasn’t heralded the economic paradise that Mr. President claimed it would be.

Even after the Supreme Court shot down Trump’s use of Emperor-Palpatine-Style ‘emergency powers’ to impose tariffs, he’s doubling down and finding new loopholes to increase the tax to a blanket 10% for everyone. No, wait, sorry, this just in, 15%. He changed his mind apparently.

It’s a far cry from the giddy heights of 145% taxes on Chinese imports. Plus, Trump’s using Section 122 which is only temporary and will need congressional approval after 150 days. Oh, how the mighty have McFallen.

What’s really hilarious is that to some extent, the tariffs were beneficial. At the time, the entire world bent over backwards to capitulate with Trump’s terroristic demands, securing some favorable deals for Trump. Now those world leaders must feel a little stupid knowing that Trump’s gun to their head was seemingly illegal and apparently could have been removed at any time.

Well, now it seems they’re finally standing up for themselves, taking the inch that the Supreme Court’s granted. The EU have already said that they’re not going to pay more and that “a deal is a deal.”

“The current situation is not conducive to delivering ‘fair, balanced, and mutually beneficial’ transatlantic trade and investment, as agreed ‌to by both sides.”

Potentially even the illegal tariffs might have to be refunded and repaid, which would be crazy. Jesus Christ, what a mess…

So we’ll just have to wait and see what happens of course and there is still a lot more flailing to be done, but right now Trump’s on the back foot and the world can take a little breather.

Idk, can they compete with China? You’re asking the wrong guy.

NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang is hyping up his company’s upcoming appearance at GTC next month saying that this chip is so amazing, no one’s ever seen it before, etc. etc. I mean, it’s just hype, right? There’s not really a story here? ‘BREAKING NEWS: CEO says own company is good’… like, OK.

But what I do find interesting is how far this story spread without any substance to it.

And maybe something’s been lost in translation here, but it took a little digging to actually find this quote and when I did, it was a different quote. And I know this isn’t the biggest story, like, it doesn’t really matter what he said, but I just found it interesting that this quote has been parroted across ex-Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and a bunch of actual publications without any sources listed.

I finally found the original interview and it’s in Korean, which I don’t speak, but the auto translate says that he said he’ll unveil, “A chip that will surprise the world will be unveiled at GTC next month.”

And OK, maybe the Korean words for these phrases can be interpreted a bunch of different ways, but I feel like “a chip that will surprise the world” is different from a chip that “the world has never seen before.” Idk who’s translating this or whatever but I’m just trying to say it’s crazy that you can have this quote spread like wildfire, without any sources and potentially it might be slightly wrong?

Wait, isn’t this an article about Nvidia and chips and stuff?

Sure, again, thankfully this is a pretty unimportant story, but imagine what else you’re seeing that could also be misquoted, misrepresented, etc. etc. Heck, no judgement, but you did click on this news article from Wall Street Memes Dot Com, I think you might just be the kind of person to eat this shit up.

We all know that the internet is still a wild west, we all know it can’t be trusted, but we do still use it every single day, and I’m just looking out for you friend. Be careful out there. Who knows what lies you might be facing. Be careful who you listen to. Be wary of who you trust.

Anyway, WHY DON’T YOU STOP BY OUR ONLINE CASINO!!

So this is purely unsubstantiated rumor, but it does come from journalist Jonathan Alter, who’s pretty credible. According to him, good sources tell him that Republicans are due to speak up and shoot down the Netflix bid for Warner Brothers on antitrust grounds.

This would pave the way for Paramount Skydance to snap up the studio instead (and everyone who cried antitrust will be suddenly silent). But why do the politicians care? Well, it’s because they/Trump wants influence over CBS News, CNN and HBO etc., the influence to shape opinions and hold onto power.

It’s all very brazen…

We already know the Ellisons are chummy with Trump and although he’s said he won’t interfere, this is Donald ‘I will interfere’ Trump we’re talking about here. Trump met with David Ellison days before saying he won’t “be involved” and days after that statement in bought $1 million in Netflix and Warner Bros bonds.

Jesus Christ, this is just pure corruption. Why the hell are politicians and presidents allowed to invest and make money off their insider knowledge anyway?

And this isn’t to mention Trump siccing his DoJ on Netflix to investigate them for antitrust. As ‘dealbreaker.com’ puts it well: “The Trump DOJ’s pretense is that they’re just suddenly really concerned about media consolidation and monopoly power (you’re to ignore the U.S. right wing’s generational and indisputable quest to coddle and protect monopoly power across telecom, energy, air travel, banking, and countless other industries).”

Because yeah, this is a massive antitrust issue. Warner Brothers simply shouldn’t be bought by Netflix or Paramount. Warner Brothers shouldn’t have been allowed to merge with Discovery. Disney shouldn’t have been allowed to buy Fox. Hell, how come these companies all own their own streaming services? They control every aspect of the market, isn’t that what antitrust is supposed to stop??

But the thing is, Trump et al don’t care about antitrust. They say they do when it suits them, but if Paramount gets in front again suddenly antitrust won’t be a question.

This is cronyism and corruption of the most blatant and it needs to be called out at every opportunity.

And I’m not even bringing up CBS dropping Colbert interviewing a Democrat.

Can we just stop with all of this, please?

Turns out not much, as always.

In probably the worst birthday present anyone’s ever received, the Andrew formerly known as ‘Prince’ has just been arrested for “misconduct in public office”.

Great! At last! Something’s being done about the insidious pedophile ring that seems to have ensnared every single member of the global elite. Finally, the victims can have some respite knowing that the number of people arrested is more than *checks notes* two. …TWO?!

This is a great day for justi– oh, hold on, I’m just getting news that…

Wait, what? ‘Misconduct’ doesn’t mean abusing children? Despite every headline just saying ‘misconduct’ and letting you assume that means what you think it means? Oh, the arrest is referring to Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor giving sensitive political information to Jeffrey Epstein?

GodDAMNIT.

When are we going to see justice served to these wronguns?

Maybe this is just a pretense to get him chatting and find out what actually happened. You know, like doing Al Capone for tax evasion. Right?

Andrew? More like, ‘An-screwed‘!

Anyway, in other Epstein news, Microsoft founder and billionaire playboy philanrapist Billiam Gates has pulled out (err) of making his keynote address at an Indian AI summit (IndAIn summit, if you will).

A statement from his foundation explained that after “careful consideration” they’d decided that Bill shouldn’t speak “to ensure the focus remains on the [summit’s] key priorities.”

Let me translate that: the heat’s too high. They don’t want publicity right now.

Yeah, that doesn’t look suspicious at all.

Obviously Mr. Gates has denied any wrongdoing but so did Prince Andrew and look what he’s been accused of.

…well, nothing right now. But that’s not the point!

Point is, Epstein seems to be the story that keeps giving us basically nothing and yet still won’t go away.

Here’s hoping this stain continues to stick to all those guilty for the rest of their days and the world will finally has some justice for these terrible crimes.

But I’m not holding my breath.

OK, ‘leaked’ is a strong word, I think they always get officially released? That’s nice. Some nice transparency for once (I’m looking at you, Epstein Files).

So despite Trump’s pressure and a looming replacement to Jay Powell, most Fed Reserve officials seemed hesitant to cut rates any further with some suggesting that maybe we should even raise the rates.

Oops.

It’s by no means clear cut however, and if anything the take away is that they can’t agree on anything. This will likely cause more rifts when Trump turns his eye-of-sauron back on the Fed and will mean Kevin Walsh might be ice skating uphill against his colleagues come his swearing in in May.

Alright, there’s a lot more to this story, but it’s all a little boring. If you want more, you can get into the weeds of it, in this article. But if you want to stick around, we can play some tik-tak-toe? Pass the time, why not?

Cool, I’ll go first:

           | |
____|____|____
           | X |
____|____|____
           | |
           | |

Haha, beat that. OK, you’re turn… Yeah, just write it in right there on the screen. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

…Take your time.

I know, it’s a complicated game, takes a lot of thought, but whenever you’re ready.

Sure, no, do, think about it. I’ll be right here…

In maybe the highest payout in the history of tech startups ever, OpenAI is paying its workers stock compensation worth $1.5 million dollars ON AVERAGE. And I know things have gotten intense with tech companies poaching workers from each other, but this is actually crazy.

The situation is that OpenAI is gearing up for probably the biggest IPOs in history and wants its workers on board by offering a massive cut of that stock selloff. With a rough valuation of $830 billion last round, the company is poised to unload to its 4,000 employees stocks worth about $1.5 million each.

And how much are you earning currently?

Whenever stories like this come out I feel sorry for the people who just missed the cut off. Like, there must be a cut off somewhere, I think it’s two years? What if you joined just a little too late? Or maybe you’re not contracted but you basically work there full time? What about the poor janitor who’s going to watch everyone around them come in the next day with Lambos whilst they’re stuck driving a battered Pontiac.

But this is rare at least. The next closest example is Google’s IPO in the 2000s, but employees in that case won just a sixth of what OpenAI’s doing.

Add on top of this, OpenAI salaries start at $200,000 and don’t even require a degree, there’s a small group of people who are making bank from this non-profit.

But the question remains, why on earth would you stay after this payout? Sure, everyone’s going to invest in OpenAI, but the moment they do it’s going to have an exodus of newly minted engineers and OpenAI might have a brain-drain.

Did you think about that? Huh? HUH?

In case you were looking for any more reason to think that Facebook is evil, it’s just come to light that Meta patented zombie tech back in 2023.

As the patent says, “The language model may be used for simulating the user when the user is absent from the social networking system, for example, when the user takes a long break or if the user is deceased.”

Black Mirror couldn’t come up with this shit.

Thankfully you’re not going to get a Candy Crush invite from your dead friend Kevin any time soon because a Meta spokesperson said that, “We have no plans to move forward with this example.”

It’s been three years since the filing so it doesn’t look like they’re in any rush to resurrect this idea (pun intended). Facebook’s also been deluged with AI slop recently so there’s a chance they’re finally realising that the general public just isn’t really down with relocating to the Uncanny Valley any time soon.

Still, the mere existence of the patent, even if they never planned to use it, just goes to show the lengths they’d be willing to go to for a quick buck.

“Wear your dead grandma’s dress and talk like she did?” asks Mr. Zuck, “Sure thing, sir! Anything you like, just keep watching, no, don’t look away, we have advertisements that need a-seeing.”

“Don’t look away! Look, I’m dancing! I’m dancing, just like you asked! Ad! I’m your grandma! Ad! She’s back! Ad! You’re grandma’s alive! Ad! You can feel happy again! Ad! Happy! Ad! Happy! Ad! Ad! Ad! Ad!”

Famous investor/old man Warren Buffett just ordered his investment firm Berkshire Hathaway to drop 77% of its Amazon stake (a total of $1.7 billion) in one of his final moves before retiring. What’s that phrase, ‘you’re most remembered words are your last ones’…?

Combine this mega dump with Buffett dropping $2.7 billion from Apple last quarter and we’ve got a $4.4 billion dollar bet against big tech. Should silicon valley be worried now or…?

Maybe not. Apple is still Berkshire Hathaway’s biggest holding, with a massive $61.96 billion vote of confidence in the iPhone manufacturer. Plus Buffett just grabbed a massive stake in the Google company, Alphabet. So, despite the headline, BH is very much still all in on tech.

There’s a chance as well that this isn’t even Buffett’s work, potentially being decisions by investment managers Todd Combs, Ted Weschler or CEO Greg Abel as a way to ease into Warren’s departure.

NOTE TO SELF: WARREN BUFFETT IS IN NO WAY RELATED TO NOTABLE ACTOR WARREN BEATTY DESPITE HAVING SIMILAR NAMES.

The new CEO was hand picked by Beatty, but the question remains, is he really Abel?

All you can eat Buffett

The big WB casts a long shadow, with over twenty decades of experience in Wall Street, he’s long been a guiding light for many investors. But now, with the sale of WB to Netflix, who’s to know what the future holds. Will Buffett still be allowed in cinemas or will he become streaming only for the rest of his life?

Also, I’m worried about him because my granddad loved his work as a dog lobotomist but when he had to retire at the age of 63 (he had the shakes by that point and the dogs were coming out like swiss cheese) his whole purpose had gone and it just seem like he lost the will to live. He died not two years later. I mean, yeah, he was hit by a truck, but that’s by the by.

Point is, Buffett is 95. He was born in 1930, that’s crazy. He’s about to retire after working for thirty decades on Wall Street. How does a guy like that just retire? I’m scared for him is all that maybe he’ll go the way of my gramps. STAY OFF THE STREETS, WARREN!!

Sir, this was a Wendy’s

Following a WEAK quarter, fast food chain Gwendolyn’s (Wendy’s for short) had a 10% sales drop and plans to close around 300 locations in the first half of next year. Well, shit, where am I supposed to get my midnight jalapeno popper sandwiches (hold the jalapenos) from now?

It remains unclear if, along with the closures, Wendy’s will shutter it’s infamous online presence but one can hope.

In the 2010s, Wendy’s became the flagship of so-called ‘brand Twitter’ in which social media managers would affect a more human, relatable persona. In the case of Wendy’s this persona manifested as a sassy, clap-backy, meme-fuelled circus of hilarity.

The Wendy’s account managed to imbed itself into popular culture and numerous brands followed suit, attempting to create their own witty alter-egos. Sometimes these fictional characters would conduct back and forth arguments with one another that could last months but achieved basically nothing. Like two mirrors facing each other.

But in the present day, the novelty’s worn off a bit and now everyone’s ‘doing a Wendy’s’ (that’s not a term, I just made that up), it’s just not fun or cool anymore.

So here’s hoping that along with the hundreds of stores and probably thousands of jobs, Gwendolyn will also bury her cheeky, cringey, clapback persona and just be a regular company again.

Or god help me, I will not be buying your jalapeno popper sandwiches ever again.

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Because apparently, you people can’t enjoy a real conspiracy theory, you have to make up a fake one too.

Opportunity Knox

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