Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

Dear Dairy,

Hey, it’s me again, you’re buddy Joseph Robinette Biden. Well, Dairy, things have come around pretty fast for old Joe, let me tell you. So, here’s the deal, I’m now officially the president un-elect and pretty soon I won’t even be that anymore!

In a couple months Don-Don (worst frienemy ever) is going to take my job and so I’m not sure what I can do until then. Am I even allowed to make laws? Am I just supposed to keep the seat warm until he gets here?

I’ve been real stuck looking for things to do, Dairy. I went outside to play for a bit but that got boring real quick. I already tidied my room like Jill (biden) told me to. She said I don’t want to leave it messy for the next guy but what if I don’t even like the next guy!!!!!

Although, maybe it would be fun to play a few pranks… hmm… Maybe I could hide the nuclear codes or stack the Supreme Court or… Ok, how about this, I slip a little whoopie cushion under a chair here, a mattress there. Dumb Don won’t even know until… Trump! Haha. Now, that’s comedy.

Kamala’s not being any fun anymore either. If I was ever bored she’d come over and have a laugh but I don’t think she’s left her room since she lost the big competition that I wasn’t allowed to even enter because I’m too old which I don’t think is fair because I’m only a little bit too older than Don-Don. Sigh. Mega-big HUGE sigh.

What to do, Dairy, what to do… I could play on my new DS. Well, it’s an old DS I got it in a flea market but it still works and it’s really good and it came with Animal Crossing: Wild World already in it. I’ve almost saved up enough bells to get the tartan rug from Tom Nook.

Oh! That reminds me, I need to ask what furniture Don’s going to keep and what I can take with me. I think last time Melania threw it all out so I’m going to ask if I can keep the curtains because I think they’ll look really cute in my new… wait, where am I even going to live? Oh.

Oh, Dairy there’s just so much to think about but nothing to do! January 20th can’t come any sooner. Anyways, bye-bye for now!

Love, Joe (biden)

Following the untimely death of the squirrel influencer, Peanut (P’Nut to his friends), President-elect Donald Trump has announced that a state funeral will be held in the pet’s honor.

Peanut’s owner and OnlyFans model, Mark ‘Squirrel Daddy’ Longo has retained possession of the body which will be embalmed and, after a funeral procession through Washington will lie in state in the Capitol’s rotunda for two weeks so the nation may pay its respects.

A squirrel ambassador was spotted visiting Vice President Harris prior to her concession speech, apparently in order to negotiate the appearance of the squirrel delegates at Peanut’s funeral.

Incumbent President Joseph Robinette Biden refused to comment saying, “Trump can’t do that you know, I’m still the president. He can’t just start having state funerals for anything he likes. I’m supposed to have the next one, not some rabid tree rat.”

Foreign dignitaries from around the world are expected to attend including the ambassador to Nigeria (that’s a really good get).

In New York it is illegal to keep wild animals as pets however Longo sought to classify Peanut as an educational creature because, I guess, he promotes pornography and that’s educational? After a dramatic raid of Longo’s property, Peanut was seized and euthanized in order to test for rabies, like how my half-brother Guiseppe died when he had a blood test but that was more of an accident because they forgot to turn the valve off or something and they sucked all the blood out of him like a raisin. RIP G.

Peanut then became a martyr for supporters of Donald Trump because… wait I don’t get it, what’s the connection? Hold on, I’ll look it up… Ok, so it’s about government oversight, Trump supporters don’t agree with the government coming for illegally held individuals like migrants or… wait no, that’s not right.

Ok, well, whatever, it doesn’t matter. Point is, now everyone’s all about this dead squirrel which is normal and now they’re going to have a big ol’ funeral with an iddy-biddy coffin it’s gonna be adorable and maybe we’ll finally get to see Trump cry.

There was another animal that was also euthanized after the seizure, a raccoon named Fred. Fred however will not receive the same funeral as he was thrown into a pit off the interstate.

Like an imminent rabid raccoon ambush, election day is nearly upon us. In these final moments, Donald Trump is busy securing crucial résumé experience should November 5th not go his way.

Trump already established himself as a “highly motivated individual” when he successfully caused an E. coli outbreak during one McDonald’s shift. But now he seeks to demonstrate that he is “highly flexible and a quick learner” by taking up the role of garbage man.

Don-ing a safety vest (orange, mais bien sûr) over his shirt and tie, Trump elegantly hopped aboard a refuse truck and posed for a photographic opportunity. The former president hopes that this will be evidence enough of his work experience and fill up any outstanding gaps in his employment history. Should any employer need further evidence of being a garbage man, Trump thankfully can cite multiple sexual assault allegations.

Speaking about his work experience at the following rally, Trump said he said, “How the hell do you get into this truck, it’s way up high, it’s a big one. This was a beauty! I said you didn’t have to buy it that big, right? You have to get it that big?”

Next on the campaign trail, Trump hopes to speed-run multiple occupations by visiting his local KidsZania with his dressing-up box. Trump is set for future rally appearances as several varied occupations including: optometrist, cosmetic surgeon, swamp drainer, gumball machine repairman, lexicographer, crossing guard, court jester, Republican Presidential nominee, Faberge egg manufacturer, hot dog specialist, race car driver, Wall Mart greeter, disco dancer, project analyst, air hostess, Bible salesman and horse.

Meanwhile, Kamala Harris has done NOTHING to demonstrate that she is a common man and unlike Trump has no backup option should she lose the race. It remains unclear whether she will be able to retain her job as Vice President in Trump’s White House.

Here’s hoping she can gain some much-needed extra credits before this coming Tuesday when the runaway freight train of flaming manure that is this election collides with the soft and squishy brains of the American electorate.

Just one week before the election, Donald Trump has declared Elon Musk as his Vice Presidential pick in a move that has surprised and baffled voters.

The decision was declared spontaneously at Trump’s Madison Square Garden rally to confusion from his supporters. “And EElon! Musk. Beautiful guy. Great guy. Where is he? He has his rockets. Maybe I’ll make him my Vice President? Who knows? I think I’ll do it. JD you’re out of here! Get him out of here! EElon! EElon! Come up here. Next Vice President everybody!”

Musk then took the stage to accept the role saying, “I’m not just MAGA, I’m ‘dark, gothic MAGA.” This was in reference not only to his black ‘Make America Great Again’ hat, the ‘dark MAGA’ meme, and the time he’d said this before but also to the fact the font was in gothic script. There are so many layers you see, it’s very clever. You’ll get it, just let it sink in.

JD Vance was said to be blindsided by the announcement. When asked what he would do now replied that he’d probably go back to his job selling sofas in IKEA. Vance now joins a long list of Trump’s dumped VPs including Mike Pence, celebrity Apprentice contestant Meat Loaf, and the haunted corpse of Steve Bannon.

Elon Musk has been campaigning vigorously for Trump on the campaign trail making him a natural VP choice since much of his business relies on government contracts. In return for the promotion, Trump has offered the billionaire a role in the Department of Government Efficiency (which spells DOGE because of course it does). In this capacity Elon pledges to cut $2 trillion in government spending by removing the olives from the White House canteen.

It is unclear whether Musk is eligible to be Vice President, however, as his student visa is due to expire in December. If voted into office the new VP might be faced with the awkward task of deporting himself.

The news also comes off the back of a lawsuit from the Philadelphia District Attorney against Musk who is running a $1 million lottery for registered voters in Pennsylvania. In retaliation to the suit, Musk immediately offered a $2 million lottery prize for anyone who countersues the DA. Experts say that election fraud will have no bearing on the results.

The newly rebranded ticket of ‘Trump Musk’ (which in some cultures translates to ‘fart smell’) is estimated to put the campaign back $400 million in rebranded lawn signs alone.

This weekend former President Donald Trump smoked marijuana during a podcast with comedian(ish) Joe Rogan and immediately mellowed out.

Whilst discussing politics in a sealed, windowless room, Mr. Josepher James Rogan (no relation to Dana White) offered the Republican nominee a fat doobie.

“Is that a cigar? I mean, it’s legal, right? I guess if it’s not, I’ll make it legal.”

Trump, famously a teetotaller was reportedly pressured into partaking in the drug by his host, calling Rogan a bully early on in the episode. “You know more about bullies than anybody probably around because you deal in that.”

Once both host and guest were completely ripped, Trump got into policy. After previously declaring that he would build a wall and Mexico would pay for it, the Republican nominee seemed a bit less fussed.

“People are nicer than you think. I think let ‘em come, why not? If they’re chill they can come in. We’ll do that, we’ll have a chill test and if they’re chill then they can hang.”

When asked whether he lost the 2020 election, Trump again seemed more relaxed, “I lost by, like, I didn’t lose.”

Then, as is the requirement with all drug-induced discussions, the topic changed to life on other planets. “There’s no reason not to think that Mars and all these planets don’t have life,” said Trump between rips, clearly speaking as someone who’s never been to Uranus. “Maybe it’s life that we don’t know about.”

Trump then referred to Rogan multiple times as “Roe Jogan”, hallucinated that he was on an episode of Oprah, and danced, ‘the Weave’ to Ave Maria.

The episode, hailed by many as the final nail in the coffin of mainstream media, has boosted Trump’s polling by 420%. Should Trump win the presidency, he is likely to credit Mr. Jogan entirely and offer him the position of Secretary of State.

Democratic nominee Kamala Harris has yet to appear on the show but has offered Jogan a royal pardon for drug/supplement-related charges should she enter the White House in return for a guest spot on the podcast.

‘Tis the season to be dressed up! ‘Tis. All halloooooween’s eve is almost upon us and that means children and opportunistic adults alike should all be preparing their tricking and/or treating attire. But if you haven’t been thinking much about getting out and having fun then we’ve got you covered… in a Halloween costume that is!

10. The Joker

An oldie but a goldie. What better way to memorialize the tragic death of a beloved actor from over a decade ago than by slapping on some face paint and calling it a day? Thankfully there’s a new iteration of this iconic character every year so this low-effort costume never goes out of style.

It’s quick and simple and gives you the opportunity to dig out that mediocre impression that you can do. The presence of this creepy murderer will be sure to make you the life of the party, just don’t forget your knife!

9. Guy Who Couldn’t Think Of A Costume In Time

A variation of the classic ‘guy who doesn’t like halloween’, guy who couldn’t think of a costume in time lets you wear whatever you like so long as it looks like regular clothes. The more unwashed with a little stain the better. The aim is to be ironic and cool and as detached from the festivities as possible!

8. A Jar Of Lard

Here are two things that lard and you have in common: no one likes you. We’re talking gross, we’re talking slimy, we’re talking just completely pointless and lard is all these things as well. Dressing up as a big fat jar of lard is just an all-time perfect fit for someone like you. Do it, loser.

7. A French Person

Now, before we get sued again I just want to clarify: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH FRENCH PEOPLE. All of my best friends are French and there’s nothing to say that you reading this right now are not also happening to be a French. Having said that, it would be just a bit weird, wouldn’t it, you know to dress up as a French for the hallows? Just a bit strange. Like, what? And that makes it the perfect costume.

6. Nebraska’s Fourth Congressional District

This one’s a topical one! We’re coming up to the election period night, so how better a way to remind everyone of their need to get out and vote please than by a human version of Nebraska’s 4th congressional district? Yes, this district became obsolete in 1963 but that’s exactly why no one else will have thought of this congressional district for a Halloween costume.

5. Elvis

He’s dead, move on Terry. No, you can’t have ‘ghost of dead Elvis’ either. Wait, I’ve lost track of whether I’m recommending these costumes or just dunking on Terry. But seriously though he doesn’t listen to anything else. And he goes as Elvis every year. Stop.

4. A Slutty Avacado

Oooh, so sexxxy! There’s nothing sluttier than a juicy, fruity avocado! Avocados are the sluttiest of vegetables/fruits! Round and plump! Purple, green, red, orange, brown they’re all delicious! Smooth and buttery! Hard inedible secret inside bit! Yes! Just don’t forget your knife!

3. A Pun

Here’s the pitch, you’re a box of Cheerios buuuuuut you’ve got a knife! No! You’re a CEREAL killer of course! Great, it’s perfect and original. Guaranteed to have everyone exhaling out of their noses slightly in laughter! Just don’t forget your knife!

2. Your Mother

Your mother is a saint. She was always there for you from grave to cradle and tonight is your chance to pay her the respect she’s owed. Sneak into her house. Remove choice items of clothing and makeup from her wardrobe. Buy a cheap wig with a vaguely similar hair tone and boom: the perfect Halloween costume/general casual dress. Just don’t forget your knife!

1. Yourself

In the mirror stares back cold, haunted eyes that seem unfamiliar. Maybe they were once yours but there’s no laughter there. Surely this isn’t you? New clothes feel like deception but old clothes reek of faded nostalgia. It’s not just the fabrics: the food you eat, the work you do, the media you watch, none of it ever felt like a choice you made. Everything is a costume. It frightens you. But far more frightening is the unshakeable feeling that if you ever take the costume off, there will be nothing underneath.

So that’s our list! Comment below with what you’re wearing for Halloween!

This just in, today of all days, Donald J. Trump (the ex-president) has probably done something unusual for a presidential candidate to do.

Yes, with just a few weeks or days (depending on when you’re reading this) from (or after) the election, Donald Jonathan Trump has said or done a thing that was deliberate or wasn’t and has upset/delighted a lot of people.

The behavior was both unusual for an older gentleman and strange for any human to perform. [Insert insightful/witty observation here] However, in a stunning reversal of events, the Donald’s antics have shocked those who don’t like him and excited those who do.

Here’s a quote from someone with an opinion on the matter, “Well, I thought what this man did was certainly a thing that happened. Personally, it’s been all I can think about since my wife died. And I would like that on the record please.”

This is not the first time Mr. Trump has been known to make a thing happen that we did not expect. Just yesterday, Trump also did something along these lines. Add this to a series of things throughout the years that seem a bit odd or shocking and it actually seems kind of normal, doesn’t it?

[Note to self, if you’re low on word count here feel free to beef it up with some AI-generated text since it’s unlikely anyone will read this far anyway. Or, if you like, you could even use this space to express your thoughts and feelings. Maybe a little poem perhaps? Just really make it yours.]

It remains to be seen if the other candidate will be able to also do something that people will talk about but we’re hoping no, because Trump is funnier. You know, with his hair and odd posture, I suppose.

Whether this sort of headline-grabbing behavior was always just a stunt to create free publicity that keeps eyes on him and moves the focus away from his opposition by keeping people talking about Trump regardless of whether that talk is good or bad it doesn’t matter because both motivate the people who are going to vote to go and vote, we’re not changing minds here we’re just part of a machine that runs on attention instead of gasoline and we can’t say no to slurping up jet fuel when it’s offered to us even if that’s just what they want us to do and none of this is a new observation but it’s amazing how nothing’s changed because I guess it’s easy not to feel culpable when every action feels so small… or whether it’s just random, I guess we’ll never know.

What does this mean for the election and the future of the world and humanity as we know it? Hopefully not much.

TEMPLATE! DO NOT PUBLISH!

KAZAN, RUSSIA – Vladimir Putin has gathered over 20 friendly heads of state at his secret lair to devise devious deceits to bring down the West and everything it stands for.

Among the leaders are China’s Xi Jinping, Iranian President Masoud Pezeshkian, US billionaire Lex Luthor and the telepathic evil monkey, Gorilla Grodd.

With the summit Putin aims to demonstrate that Russian sanctions are ineffective and there is nothing that Superman or any kind of man for that matter can do to stop them.

BRICS stands for Brazil, Russia, India and South Africa, so really it should be ‘BRICSA’ but that’s not a word so they couldn’t do that. Although Egypt, Ethiopia, Iran and the United Arab Emirates have now joined the group they were initially refused entry because BRICSAEEIUAE was too hard to pronounce.

Previously Lego has attempted to sue Russia for the use of the term ‘BRICS’ but the filing was dismissed out of court.

Putin was unable to attend last year’s BRICS due to the warrant for his arrest after he was caught shoplifting large swathes of land from Eastern Europe. However, the Russian president was present via video call and said, “Let’s do this at my place next time.”

The summit agenda will include obligatory photo ops with a malevolent glowing orb, mustache-twirling, discussions on how to unbridle the global economy from using the US dollar, and a bric-a-brac sale.

Reportedly Putin will unveil several plans to bring down America such as a giant stick of dynamite and a robot president, however, photos have recently emerged of Putin’s whiteboard with only the word, “AI?” circled multiple times.

BRICS dismissed accusations that the gathering was entirely anti-west in a statement that said that it was America and its allies who were the real Legion of Doom. “What about America’s support for Israel, huh?” said BRICS spokesperson Omal Whelper. “Ever heard that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw bricks? Well, now we’re throwing BRICS at glass houses, how about that, huh?”

The White House declined to comment on the gathering but did express through a number of hand gestures that they were glad to have all the countries under one banner because it made things a lot easier to understand.

PHILADELPHIA, PA — A local McDonald’s is facing complaints after drive-thru traffic ground to a halt this weekend. The delay was reportedly caused by an untrained new hire who slowed service by talking at length to customers.

Franchise owner, Nads Mescling explained that, “He seemed like a nice enough guy, liked to talk a lot. I don’t want to blame his age but his performance just isn’t up to the standard we expect from Feasterville McDonald’s. We might think twice about hiring convicted felons in the future.”

The line of cars stretched for miles as hungry drivers waited to be fed in an unusually high turnout for the local fast-food chain. The main cause of the delay appeared to be the employee trying to upsell his own crypto tokens, hats, and bibles. At one point service ceased entirely when the employee opted to play music and stand and sway for 40 minutes instead of working.

Thankfully there were only two heat-stroke fatalities.

The employee responsible for the delays has not been identified but McDonald’s has assured customers that he was let go less than an hour into his shift.

“At first I thought he might be overqualified,” commented ‘customer experience leader’ Brasing Edemma, “I mean who turns up to work at McDonald’s in a suit? He even wore a matching red tie, like, that’s crazy.”

“But turns out he’d only ever worked in, like, a bank or selling watches or something? So he had to be shown everything. Yeah, you have to salt the fries, no, you don’t get to eat the fries. And he kept calling them freedom fries but they were just regular fries.”

Witnesses say that the employee only wanted the job to prove he could do better than an obscure, unnamed student employee who worked at the restaurant in the 1980s. Evidence of who that student was or whether they even worked at McDonald’s has yet to come to light making this the first time anyone has argued for McDonald’s to be kept on their CV.

What should have been a minor local news piece has exploded into a hotly debated issue. Weirdly, political pundits have weighed in with their opinion on this distinctly apolitical event. Democrats claim the whole scenario was ‘desperate’ and ‘embarrassing’ whereas Republicans claim this random employee’s actions were ‘emboldening’ and ‘relatable’. And, like …OK?

While many photographers were on the scene to photograph the event for some reason, publications opted to use AI-generated images instead because no one could really tell the difference.

This week NASA launched its Clipper mission to find life on the distant planet of ‘Earth’, specifically within the residence of one ‘Joe Biden’.

The long-awaited mission was initially delayed by Hurricane Milton and when NASA lost Biden in a supermarket. Now the SpaceX Falcon Heavy has launched directly upward and, after a quick flyby of Europa, will come straight back down to study the White House.

NASA hopes to detect signs of life within the current President, where scientists have long known about the presence of liquid water. However, researchers remain cautious about finding organic compounds or even consciousness. Life signs are rare in the cold, dead vacuum of Washington D.C.

Critics of the mission point out that if Biden happens to stay very, very still when the instruments scan the White House, NASA might not be able to pick up a life signature.

“This is the first mission we’ve ever sent to study a living president,” said NASA head-nerd, Boden Gobsunt. “We sent the Apollo missions in the 60s to study the crater in JFK’s head but we didn’t find any life then.”

Gobsunt neglected to mention the failed ‘Dodo’ missions sent to study the Trump presidency as the spacecraft was immediately shot out of orbit by Trump’s Space Force.

“Whatever we find or don’t find will fundamentally change our understanding of the presidency,” Gobsunt continued. “If we find life it will be a great relief to the American people and if we don’t find life it will also be a great relief to the other half of the American people.”

Mr. Biden is unaware of the mission, but then again, he’s unaware of a lot of things. When asked whether this mission was in good taste, the NASA spokesperson declined to comment.

Here’s the deal: he’s old. That’s the joke. It’s funny to make fun of old people. I don’t know what else you want me to say. It’s called ‘punching down’ and it’s always funny AND tasteful. He’s a little slower than he was, maybe a little less intelligible. That’s what happens to old people and it’s funny to look at him and say, “Haha, he’s a little slower than people who are younger than him”. Laughing at bad things means we don’t have to feel sad instead. Laughing means the bad things will never, ever happen to us. It’s called, ‘humor’, look it up. I’ll fight you.

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