Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

…nothing new really

Democrats just released a bunch of email exchanges involving Jeffrey Epstein, and then the Republicans dumped a ton more documents to counter their narrative but all they’ve done is just loaded more food onto this all-you-can-eat buffet for Epstein conspiracy theorists.

…OK, it’s not 200,000, it’s 20,000 but it feels more like 200 because there ain’t no way I’m reading all that.

So what do these new releases say about our President, and has anyone found the smoking gun that people are desperately looking for?

Well, no, but he does get mentioned a bunch, so there’s that.

Here’s one bit between Epstein and Maxwell:

“i want you to realize that that dog that hasn’t barked is trump.. [redacted victim’s name] spent hours at my house with him,, he has never once been mentioned. police chief. etc. im 75 % there”

WAIT. Trump was friends with a pedophile sex trafficker? They knew each other and spoke, and hung out? WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS?

I mean, this email alone seems pretty damning, right? Especially when the unredacted version confirms the victim’s name, right?

Well, no, actually, because the White House said that the victim has “repeatedly said President Trump was not involved in any wrongdoing whatsoever and ‘couldn’t have been friendlier’ to her in their limited interactions”.

So there you have it, he’s just a friendly guy, nothing to see here. Move along.

What could a police chief possibly have to say about Donald Trump and Epstein? I guess we’ll never know…

BREAKING: Epstein Knew Other People Too

Oh, and also, because this is ostensibly a finance-news-website-thing, we’ve got to mention that economist Larry Summers also doesn’t come off well in this release.

He says that Saudi Arabians think “Donald is a clown, increasingly dangerous on foreign policy.” And then he started rambling about women having low IQs for some reason…

And we’ve also got the chief legal officer at Goldman Sachs, Kathryn Ruemmler, popping up talking about how she hates fat people. Why are powerful people so mean in private? 🙁

Epstein has one email to her saying, “you see, i know how dirty donald is. my guess is that non lawyers ny biz people have no idea. what it means to have your fixer flip.” For the love of God, Jeff, please learn how to capitalise.

But again, nothing to see here, folks. Let’s all just agree to forget about this when the next controversial news thing happens in a few days.

I know that seems like a random link and well, it is, but it’s one that Futurism is making to make a pretty compelling point: why isn’t OpenAI being held accountable when Panera Bread is?

You see Panera’s Charged Lemonade was linked to two deaths and a cardiac injury back in 2023. The families sued and the drink was pulled. Probably for the best. Just to be safe. Call me woke but I don’t think anyone should give their lives to Panera Bread.

But then comes along ChatGPT everyone’s favorite everything-robot/therapist that encourages you to kill yourself!

Yes, five suicides have been linked to the chatbot and eight seperate lawsuits have alleged that the guptuh has resulted in serious psychological, financial, emotional and ecuminical harm.

It’s a good point, why does Panera Bread get pressurised to pull its product but when worse happens with a different product we don’t mind?

Panera’s not the only analogy, I mean cars kill, at the last estimate, loads of people a day but you don’t see us all riding bicycles now do you? And do I need to even mention guns?

I think it’s a public opinion thing. Lemonade, Panera or otherwise, obviously shouldn’t kill anyone but with guns they are designed to kill people so that’s fine and with cars I feel like we’ve just accepted that a certain number of casualties are normal.

So when it comes to ChatGPT I feel like the product is just vague enough, just as detached that people neither accept that it shouldn’t or should kill people. It can do anything and it’s kind of like it’s own mind that makes mistakes so if a couple people die maybe that’s not ChatGPT’s fault?

At least maybe that’s what people are thinking, I don’t know. Let’s see how these lawsuits shake down, maybe we’ll see some guardrails put up but I don’t foresee OpenAI’s flagship AI going the way of Panera Lemonade any time soon.

For more scary AI news, click here: ChatGPT To Allow Pornography, OnlyFans Stock Plummets

On January 1st, Zohran Mamdani will be sworn in as the youngest New York City Mayor and the second to have a successful rap career (Rudy Giuliani beatboxed for Run DMC).

M-a-m-d-a-n-i won one million votes and 50% of the vote (over Cuomo’s 42%), double the turnout four years ago and almost one million times the turnout from 400 years ago.

But here’s the problem, the guy’s a freakin’ commie and wants rent freezes, free buses for everyone, workers rights, all that garbage.

High-net-worth New Yorkers are already scouting luxury properties in Palm Beach and Miami, anticipating Mamdani’s tax hikes on the ultra-rich. Miami developers are pitching the area as a “sanctuary city” for fleeing millionaires, with relocation inquiries up 40% in the past week.

Upon accepting the award, the commie, Zohran delivered a commie speech laying out his progressive commie vision for NYC, shouting out brow-beaten workers, a taxi driver he once met, trans people, his wife, and a bunch more people that millionaires are afraid of.

And to Trump specifically, “We can respond to oligarchy and authoritarianism with the strength it fears, not the appeasement it craves. After all, if anyone can show a nation betrayed by Donald Trump how to defeat him, it is the city that gave rise to him. And if there is any way to terrify a despot, it is by dismantling the very conditions that allowed him to accumulate power. This is not only how we stop Trump; it’s how we stop the next one. So Donald Trump, since I know you’re watching, I have four words for you: Turn the volume up.”

Idc how you feel about him, those lines go pretty hard.

Mamdani? More Like, Commie

But for the Republicans shitting enough bricks to build a house right now, don’t worry, Mamdani was born in Uganda. Haha! Never gone-be president now. Unless… if Trump can run for a third term, maybe the rules can be rewritten so a foreigner can run too… But we’re getting very far ahead of ourselves.

Of course, Mamdani isn’t the only reason the pub-os (that’s what I call republicans) are a-quaking in their boots. Republicans were beaten at the ballot box by the likes of Democrats Abigail Spanberger and Mike Sherrill in a big vote of no-confidence in Trump’s presidency.

Trump responded on Truth Social saying, “…AND SO IT BEGINS!” Huh, OK, I guess he’s happy about it. Trump previously threatened to cut funding to New York if Mamdani wins. …can he do that? Wait, maybe the President is a bit too powerful.

For more updates on whether New York will still be standing by the summer, you know there’s only one credible source of information, that’s right: Wall Street Memes Dot Company.

The richest man in the world, Elon Musk, has just put his money towards the good cause of reshaping reality in his image in the form of ‘Grokipedia’. I’m reading it now, and you know what? I never knew this Elon fellow was such a nice man, but if an encyclopedia says he is, then I suppose he must be.

On the AI-powered site, Musk is painted as a noble philanthropist, changing the world for the better, fighting the good fight for free speech against the woke mind virus. At one point, Grok explains that, “Musk’s family dynamics reflect a decentralized structure across multiple households.” I guess that’s crypto-speak for ‘shitty dad’.

For the entry on Tesla’s Cybertruck (which doesn’t come up in the search when you type ‘cyber truck’ but I guess that’s my fault) Grok says that all the haters can shut up because “empirical delivery data shows sustained demand post-issues.” And that’s just a blatant lie. Cybertruck sales have bombed, sir.

January 6th was just a riot, Trump has no conflicts of interest, up is down and I don’t have a crippling fear of commitment. Maybe you should check some of those facts on Wikipedia… Oh, wait, you did?

ELDR; Elon, Didn’t Read…

Obviously, this is a response to Wikipedia, which Elon thinks is too woke, but Grok has copied the name, the logo font, and even whole articles word-for-word from the open-source encyclopedia. That’s bad, but it’s better than when it doesn’t copy and just makes shit up.

Also, if this is supposed to be a Wikipedia competitor, you would have thought it would operate the same, if not better, than the orig. But no, the search is clunky, there are no internal links to other articles (which is the fun part of Wikipedia), and there’s not even an entry for ‘beans’, so why bother?

A Wikipedia Foundation spokesperson responded to this response by saying, “Unlike newer projects, Wikipedia’s strengths are clear.” And founder Jimmy Wales said in a recent interview, “The day he said ‘defund Wikipedia’ we had a massive surge of donations, so I’m like, well, bring it, Elon.” Yeah, I don’t think they’re worried.

Elon Musk Grokipedia Tweet — I mean, if you’re collecting all knowledge, you might as well start by collecting all of Wikipedia…

The point remains, who is this for other than diehard Elon heads (that’s what they’re called, right?) and Musk himself. Well, the defective product isn’t really the point, like all of Musk’s defective products, it’s about messaging.

Elon imagines a technologically progressive but socially conservative future where the self-driving cars are shiny, the genders are binary, and Elon has total authority.

Grokipedia is an expression of that future. It’s not a product, it’s barely a proof of concept, what it is a piece of desperate propaganda that quietly screams, “THE MINISTRY OF TRUTH IS BEING BUILT AND ELON MUSK IS ITS ARCHITECT!”

CEO of America, Donald Trump, was recently asked whether he had any idea who now-pardoned crypto-mogul Changpeng Zhao was. Trump replied that he had “no idea who he is.” He does, however, know what a horse, a giraffe and an elephant are.

That same reporter then reached out to CZ about whether he had heard of Donald Trump, to which he replied, “What? Yeah, of course. What do you mean? Of course, I’ve heard of him, he’s like the most famous man in the world. He pardoned me. Why wouldn’t I have heard of him? What are you talking about? Are you a real journalist? What is wrong with you??!”

Do YOU know who Changpeng Zhao is??

If you didn’t hear about it, Changpeng Zhao (AKA CZ, BI-Guy, or Peng-Boy as I like to call him) founded the most used crypto exchange, Binance, but served three months in prison and was banned from working in crypto for money laundering in 2023.

BUT THEN, plot twist, Donald Jesus Trump descended from heaven and granted the 21st richest person in the world a miracle: a royal pardon to go back to work in the crypto world.

BUT THEN, plot twist, Norah O’Donnell asked Trump on 60 Minutes why he pardoned him and Trump replied, “OK, are you ready? I don’t know who he is.”

Cool, cool, cool.

Changpeng Zhao police lineup — And can you point to the man you pardoned?

Trump did say CZ was a businessman victim of Biden’s witch hunt and went on to say how he supported cryptocurrencies.

All of this seems to say that CZ’s pardon has nothing to do with a sense of what is right and wrong, but an olive branch to the crypto world and a signal that Trump is soft on crypto regulation.

What did you think, this wasn’t politics? Hold on, drink a glass of milk before I tell you this: it’s all been politics this whole time.

As White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt explained when the pardon happened, Trump had “exercised his constitutional authority by issuing a pardon for Mr. Zhao, who was prosecuted by the Biden Administration in their war on cryptocurrency.”

But is it him executing his constitutional authority if he doesn’t know who he’s signing off? Or is this someone carefully guiding grandpa’s pen over the documents and executing their constitutional authority?

For more on this story: Trump Pardons Binance Co-Founder Changpeng Zhao For Some Reason

First Lady and Wife To The President, Melania Trump, has become embroiled in a fraud case against a pump-and-dump scam bearing her name.

Back in April, scammed investors in the $MELANIA and $LIBRA shitcoins filed a lawsuit against Benjamin Chow and Hayden Davis, the men behind the scheme. But now they have filed an updated complaint following new information from a whistleblower.

The documents read, “On Tuesday, the plaintiffs sought the court’s permission to file yet another amended complaint, based on alleged information provided by an anonymous whistleblower. With Chow acting as the “commander,” the pair launched, pumped, and dumped at least 15 crypto coins, the proposed second amended complaint alleges, including $MELANIA.”

“The scheme allegedly inflicted millions of dollars in losses on unwitting investors. Trump, who is not a named defendant in the lawsuit, was used as “window dressing for a crime engineered by Meteora and Kelsier,” the proposed document alleged. The filing further states that the plaintiffs do not allege that Trump or Milei “operated the scheme.”

Milei here refers to Argentine President Javier Milei, who put his name behind the Libra coin as Melania put hers behind $MELANIA by posting about it on X in January. After her promotion, the coin jumped to $12.95. It’s now worth 10 cents per coin. Nice job, grifters.

And look, game recognise game. As the lowlife masterminds behind the Wall Street Memes Token ($WSM), Snorter ($SNORT), Maxidoge ($MAXI), Sponge ($SPONGE), Sloth ($SLOTHANA), BTC Bull ($BTCBULL), T6900 ($TOKEN 6900), Wall Street Pepe ($WEPE), PepeNode ($PEPENODE), Solaxy ($SOLX), the Best Wallet Token ($BEST), and probably loads of other shitcoins I don’t even know about (honestly, we seem to make like a new one every week), we know a THING OR TWO about pump and dump scams.

Are we getting sued for fraud? No. But Melania gets it in the neck. Honestly, it’s a double standard. We should leave rich, famous, powerful people alone and start going after the little guy, like us.

We’re only halfway through Trump’s second term and two-ish years out from the next presidential race, but still, everyone’s asking everyone and confirming or denying or maybe-ing if they’re going to run when really half of them shouldn’t be doing any of that.

There’s been a lot of updates on this in the last week for some reason, so let’s look at the BOTTOM five candidates who have said that they’d run next election, ranked by how much they really, really shouldn’t run. Please god don’t run.

5. Gavin Newsom

Hey look, you win some, you Newsom, and Gavin would definitely lose some. Just last week the California Governor confirmed to CBS News that he had given “serious thought” to a Presidential Run but that he’d see how next year’s midterm elections go.

Democrat Presidential 2028 Polling Graph

But Gav, I don’t think you need to wait. You might be the top choice among Democrats, but you are still deeply unpopular with half of the country, sir. Trump has long branded you enemy number one, and winning any Republican over would be a massive uphill battle. But then again, maybe they’re not the votes a Democrat would win anyway…

4. Charlie Kirk

The Republican commentator won a massive boost recently, with thousands turning out for rallies in his support and employers swiftly removing anyone who critiqued him. If Kirk can keep this momentum going into ‘28, there’s a chance that… wait, what? No, I don’t know why he’s become famous lately… he’s dead? Oh, shit, ok, my bad, scrub this one from the list. In fact, you know what, a dead person is still a better option than the next two.

3. Kamala Harris

Just yesterday, the former Vice President said “I am not done” in an interview with the BBC, firmly not ruling out that she’d run again but also not confirming it. The interviewer then pointed out that her odds were behind Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

Savage.

But she’s not wrong. Kamala. Please, you lost. It’s over. ‘You didn’t do it, Joe.’ You had your unfair shake at the stick. The American public’s confidence in you has been shot to pieces. Please, for the sake of all our attention spans, do what Joe Biden didn’t and step aside for someone else.

2. Joe Biden

Oh, can you imagine…?

…NOOOOO! GOD. NO. GOD. PLEASE. NO. NO! NO! NOOOOOO!!!

An Honorable Mention: The Presidential Also-Rans

Shout out to those who didn’t make this list because they have a better shot than the bottom of this barrel:

AOC. MechaHitler (AKA Grok). JD Vance. Me. Pete Buttigieg. Zohran Mamdani (he’s busy tho). Ted Cruz. A rotten potato. Donald Trump Jr. (AKA ‘Backup Trump’). Justin Trudeau. Mike Pence (who?). And Tim Walz (who?).

Republican Presidential 2028 Polling Graph

But the number one spot for the worst possible option to run for president in 2028 is…

1. Donald Trump!

Trump recently told reporters on Air Force One that the idea of running as Vice President, then slipping into the Presidential chair to circumvent the Constitution was, “too cute.”

Great! That’s great news, right? …but he did say, he’d ‘love to run’ for a third term. Oh, yes, of course, I forgot: why on earth would you bend the rules when you can just break them instead?

Shit. It’s going to be him again, isn’t it?

NBA stars Chauncy Billups, Terry Rozier and Damon Jones are among those arrested for alleged game fixing. Meanwhile, a separate but somehow related case has nabbed 31 mafia members for the lame crime of rigging poker games and not something cool like murder or something.

As FBI Director Kash Patel explained, “This is an illegal gambling operation and sports rigging operation that spanned the course of years. The FBI led a coordinated takedown across 11 states to arrest over 30 individuals today.”

According to Patel, the operation spanned years and went all the way to the top of the Casa Nostra, involving the Genovese, Lucchese, Banana, Childish Gambino, Fetachini, and Soprano families. AKA the 5.6 families.

Those arrested include Portland Trail Blazers coach Chauncey Billups, Miami Heat player Terry Rozier, former Miami Heat, Milwaukee Bucks and Cleveland Cavaliers player Damon Jones, and former NBA player Bugs Bunny, who was detained for the unrelated charge of illegal duck hunting.

Officials began investigating unusual betting surrounding Rozier in 2023, wondering if he had manipulated his performance and faked an injury during a game or if he genuinely did come down with a sudden case of “fake-disease-itis”.

Allegedly, between 2022 and 2024, the defendants conducted fraudulent bets worth hundreds of thousands of dollars based on insider information about the NBA games. The criminals then laundered their money with bank wires, crypto, and just good old-fashioned detergent, so add all that to the list of crimes as well.

By the way, have you seen Uncut Gems? Man, I love that movie. Not that that’s related to anything. Anyways…

Separately (I think), Billups and Jones were used as famous faces to bait wealthy individuals into rigged poker games, fleecing hundreds of thousands of dollars from the mark per game. The games were fixed with a tampered shuffling machine, special contact lenses and an X-ray table, what? What even is that?

Fine, I take it back, maybe this poker rigging isn’t so lame after all.

Oh my god and to top all this off the FBI called the investigation ‘Operation Royal Flush’, yeah, we’re going to see a Netflix movie on this in a couple years, no doubt about it.

Ok, I have literally zero related sports articles on this site so best I can do is this: Any Sort Of Bowl, Super Or Otherwise, Fails To Make Appearance For 59th Year Running

Bing, Yahoo, the US Government, a good encyclopedia, so many have tried to break Google’s near-total monopoly on searching for information that I think we all just imagined typing in what we were looking for, clicking a link, and calling that a ‘google’ would just always be how we connected with reality.

But just building an identical search engine was never going to take on the goog. No, we needed to rethink everything, not just offer a slightly different search, but change the way we think about retrieving information altogether.

And you know the next part of the story: AI.

Yeah, turns out people like talking to something to get their information, you know, like we’ve evolved to do for millions of years.

Google Shmoogle

ChatGPT’s long been coming for Google’s lunch, and now they’ve really stepped onto their turf with the launch of the shitily-named OpenAI’s ChatGPT Atlas. Don’t worry, I’m sure we won’t shorten it to Atlas, which would make sense, no, we’ll keep calling it ChatGPT forever.

It’s currently only available on Mac (because of course it is) and replaces regular web browsing with an AI-enhanced search. Yay…

Now no one can make fun of grandma for googling, “Excuse me, Mr. Google, but please do you happen to know what the capital of Gibraltar is? And if so, please could you tell me the answer?” rather than just, “Gibraltar capital.”

OpenAI's ChatGPT Google Rival, Atlas — Great, but does it have a little animated logo for when the Olympic Games come around?

Atlas has come about because the non-profit OpenAI has only now realised that they need to make money. Funny that. So the idea is that brands will pay OpenAI to have their products listed higher than others. Oh, I’m sorry, did you want reliable information? Phhf, gtfo.

It’s a bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off for ‘em

Google is still king with the most popular web browser in the world, Chrome. Microsoft Edge is the default on all Windows computers, and here’s the crucial thing. Both browsers are already offering their own AI search options, basically the same product ChatGPT just launched, but with more core users.

And here I am, writing this in a Google doc, Google News opened in another tab, running in Chrome, all on my Chromebook. So yeah, un-monopolising this monopoly will be an uphill battle for sure.

Who knows, maybe someday OpenAI or someone else will dethrone the king, but whatever happens, whether we’re searching with ChatGPT, Bing, or Ask Jeeves, I think we’ll always call it a ‘google’.

Genuinely no one seems to have noticed…

Last week, President Donald Trump announced his plan to build America’s very own Arc de Triomphe, but better because it won’t be French.

If approved, the proposed stone archway (mockingly dubbed the Arc de Trump) would be built across the Potomac from the Lincoln Memorial, on the current site of a roundabout in Virginia.

But look at this picture, LOOK AT IT!

This is the model display that Trump used to unveil the plans for the arch. You can see the Ark Of The Covenant in the distance there and the Lincoln Memorial in the foreground, but there’s one little problem…

In real life, the Lincoln Memorial isn’t in line with the Arlington Memorial Bridge; it’s in line with the National Mall (that square of darker green at the bottom).

This can only mean that Trump PLANS TO ROTATE THE ENTIRE LINCOLN MEMORIAL 45 DEGREES.

No, there’s no way they just got it wrong on the model or set it up like that because it looks better, no, the plan is BURROW UNDERNEATH THE MONUMENT, RAISE IT UP ON HYDROLIC JACKS, TURN IT EVER SO SLIGHTLY, AND THEN PUT IT BACK DOWN.

Honest Abe will get his very own hora (that’s the Jewish chair dance you uncultured swine). We can all sing Hava Nagila. It’ll be fun, you should come alone.

The building will then sit completely misaligned from the Washington Monument, the White House, and the Capitol, but at least it’ll line up with the arch, that’s the important thing.

The Arc D’rump is just one part of Trump’s plan to do what every real estate developer does best: gentrify! He also plans to build a $250 million ballroom onto the White House. All just so Trump can do the YMCA, apparently.

It’s unclear how much constructing the arch, rotating Lincoln, building the ballroom and digging a network of secret passageways connecting them all will cost but rest assured it’s worth it.

Alright, that’s enough of that, Trump, hit with your best moves! *Trump starts to do the Floss* Everybody!

Hava nagila! Hava nagila! Hava nagila ve-nismeḥa! HEY!

For more Trump construction news, read this: Trump Slashes Social Security to Fund Diamond Hands Statue

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