Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

The United States President of America, Donald J. Trump, just signed into law the law that all but one lawmaker voted for, and that’s the release of the so-called ‘Epstein Files’.

Now, if you think that’s a crazy move because he’s definitely implicated in these files, well, I think you’re the crazy one because what you don’t understand is that Trump’s smarter than all this, and he knows what he’s doing.

He WANTS the files to be released, and he’s playing all of you.

Trump 5d chess game — This is the game Trump’s playing that your pathetic, not-friends-with-a-sex-offender brains couldn’t possibly comprehend.

Yes, for months he’s been publicly saying that the files shouldn’t be released, and yes, he had his attorney general and his head of the FBI claim that these files didn’t even exist, and yes, he called a reporter ‘piggy’ for some reason for even mentioning the files, BUT IT’S ALL A PLAY!

They can detail his close ties to a podophile. They can call him an adulterer. They can claim he had sex with a horse or Bill Clinton (whichever is worse), but it won’t matter.

You see, when the files get released and Trump’s name is all over them, the American public will have no choice but to accept that Donald Trump is a real-life sex offender.

Finally, he’ll be able to be his true self. No more hiding, no more lies, it’ll all be out in the open, and there will be nothing anyone will be able to do.

Trump Card

What are you going to do, impeach him? Babe. He’s famous. He’s the most powerful person in the world. You’re going to unspool all that just because he’s a little bit of a sex pest? Because he’s committed a few crimes? Phhff.

We already know all that and he’s still in power, babe.

This changes nothing! NOTHING!

All that changes is that Trump will finally be able to ascend to his final form: a completely bulletproof man, impervious to any and all accusations, entirely unstoppable and ETERNALLY POWERFUL! AHHHH!!!!

So when these files get released and you see Trump start to glow and levitate, now you’ll know why.

Checkmate, atheists.

Jerome Powell Just Increased Perspiration Rates

About once a month, there seems to be a new headline about how Trump wants to replace the Chairman Of The Federal Reserve of Money In America (COFROMIA for short) with someone a little more pliable.

And well, it’s his time of the month again.

When asked about replacing Jay Powell by reporters during a recent bribe, sorry, visit from Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman (SCPMBS for short), Trump had this to say: “We have some surprising names and we have some standard names that everybody’s talking about.”

Err, I don’t know about ‘everybody’, I certainly don’t know these names. Can you tell me the names? Are they standard names, like, politically correct names?

“We may go the standard way. It’s nice to, every once in a while, go politically correct. But we have some great names.”

Oh, OK, cool.

“I’d love to get the guy currently in there out… but people are holding me back.”

‘The guy’? You forgot his name? It’s not that hard to remember, tenth letter of the alphabet, you wore hardhats together, come on.

Anyways, it looks like someone has just handed me a list of those great names that Trump was referring to… So, without further ado, these are Trump’s top picks to become COFROMIA:

(Honorable mention) JD Vance – The Backup Backup Option

Ehh, ok, fine, if we really have to, like if we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel, I guess he’ll do. I GUESS WE COULD SETTLE. I mean, he doesn’t have much on his plate. He’s not that busy, he could probs do the Fed on the side. Not well, mind you, not a good job, but he’d do A job, sure.

JD seems a great replacement, considering that Powell is “an average-minded person” with a “low IQ for what he does,” according to Donald Trump.

10. No One – Better Than JD

Now, this is the most controversial take, but do we even need a chair? Can’t we just sit on the floor? It’s long been the belief of notable economists like me that the Fed can just run itself. If anything, it would be an improvement from that good-for-nothing POWELL.

9. SBF – Pronounced “essbeef”

Sam Bankman-Fried has done more than enough to prove his financial chops. Hell, he’s got ‘bank’ in his name, who better to lead the finances of this country? Now, there is the little matter of the whole ‘prison’ thing, but that’s nothing that a bit of presidential pardoning can’t fix.

8. Kanye – West

…West, that is. He’s a loose cannon. A renegade. And you know what? Maybe that’s exactly what the Fed needs right now. Sure, there was that whole thing with his cousin and with the Nazis and, yes, he ran against Trump but my enemies’ enemies is my friend and a friend in Ye is a friend indeed.

7. Tiffany Fong – Who?

Oh, the crypto influencer that Elon offered to have a child with. Yeah, sure, why not, throw her into the mix. The important thing is that we make HEADLINES. Ok?

6. Barron – ‘Trump’, not ‘Oil’

Now, Barron’s a good kid. Maybe the best kid. And he knows his crypto more than anyone. He’s talking about crypto, he’s a fan, he knows how to use his wallet. What’s a wallet? Well, he’s using it. So he’s a good pick.

5. Scrooge McDuck – Money Man (Duck)

If anyone understands money, it’s a man with a giant pile of money in his house. Now that’s the kind of guy I want in charge of interest rates, that’s for sure.

4. An AI Tesla Bot – If Elon Can Bury The Hatchet

Picture this: no more Jay Powell AND Tesla stock goes up with a ground-breaking tech demo, all in one move. He’s lean, he’s mean, he’s a fighting machine. What else would you build a robot for but managing the Federal Reserve? This ain’t ‘Mr. Too Late’, this ain’t no ‘Major Loser’, this is advanced robotics at the cutting edge.

3. Jerome Powell – He’s Back, Baby!

A late entry to the field, this is a completely different Jerome Powell, absolutely no relation to the previous JP. Yes, he looks very similar, but this Jerome has a large mustache, so it can’t be the same one.

2. Eric Trump – Maybe The Real Powell Was The Friends We Made Along The Way

Eric Trump is well known for not really being that well known, so he’s a good choice because every other family member that Trump had in his inner circle got burned by the first administration. Other than moving some money around when maybe he shouldn’t have and then getting caught, Eric has basically zero financial experience, which makes him perfect for the role. He also enjoys skiing.

1. Donald Trump – The Front Runner

In the top spot, I know, it seems like a curveball, but when you think about it, it makes sense. Who better to follow through on Donald Trump’s wishes than Donald Trump himself? Who’s least likely to get fired by Donald Trump than Donald Trump? Who’s got the business, pork, and financial chops to take the US economy to the next level? And let’s be honest, if Trump could, we all know he would.

And there we have it! Those are our top five picks for the role. We’ll see how things play out, but let us know what you think! Message me personally at my home address hidden in the code for this website.

For a secret bonus option, read this: Hawk Tuah To Replace Jerome Powell as Fed Chairman

Wait, who tf is that guy on the cover image? Idk that guy? Did you put him there? Does he own the Louvre or what?

Yes, it’s true. I don’t blame you for not believing anything you read on this fake news site, but it’s true. In 2014, it was revealed that the password to the Louvre’s CCTV system was just “LOUVRE.”

Here’s another one, do you want to guess the password to the cybersecurity system the Louvre used, provided by the company Thales?

Yep, if you guessed any of the words in that previous sentence, you’re smarter than the person who picked the password which was “THALES.”

Of course, I think we can safely assume these passwords have been changed in the ten years since the public report and the thieves probably didn’t need a password to break in through the window. In-tru-da window. Intruder window… huh.

But the point is that people have been shouting about the Louvre’s weak security for over a decade and it’s like… it’s like it wanted to get robbed…

Nah, that’s not true.

…but maybe.

Nahhhh.

The Louvre’s focus was much more on restoration and on acquiring new paintings than actually beefing up the security and now just look what happened.

As for the robbers themselves, I think they got caught? Or they got the wrong guys, idk, I’ve not really been following it and I can’t be bothered to look it up.

Alright, I’m to go change all the passwords on this site, currently they’re all just “WALLSTREETMEMES”…

For more on this story, click here: Top 10 Museum Heists: How Does The Louvre Robbery Compare?

We’re seeing some fantastic Aurora Borealis, at this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen. Ok, maybe not that last part… And that’s a great thing for sky-watchers, but do you know who’s not happy at this magnificent interstellar phenomenon?

That’s right, Jeffrey Preston Bezos, who just can’t enjoy a nice thing. Just last night, the Amazon founder was spotted shaking his fist at the Northern Lights, yelling, “I’ll get my revenge on you one day, The Sun!”

Don’t get the joke? OK, let me get you up to speed.

Blue Origin (Bezos’ space company) was due to have a big ‘ol space launch, BUT due to the solar storms, the launch was delayed (not for the first time, btw, read this: Jeff Bezos Postpones Plan To Flee Earth).

Solar storms are a burst of increased radiation from the sun that, when it interacts with the Earth’s magnetosphere, causes the Northern Lights, aka AURORA BOREALIS.

Oop, OK, I’m just getting word in through my earpiece here that the solar storms have subsided and the launch is back on! Yay! We should see lift off during a new window sometime this week.

Like, Thursday? Ok, by the time you read it it’ll probably be in space so this article is completely pointless. JESUS CHRIST I don’t know why I bother, honestly, I slave away…

What are they launching this time? No, not Katy Perry again. No, this time they’re throwing up two satellites for NASA which will measure weather on Mars and hopefully be one small step closer to manned missions to the red planet.

The rocket being used is also a big deal because it’s Blue Origin’s big boy: the New Glenn rocket. It’s only been launched once before and this mission is a big test for the rocket and the company.

…nothing new really

Democrats just released a bunch of email exchanges involving Jeffrey Epstein, and then the Republicans dumped a ton more documents to counter their narrative but all they’ve done is just loaded more food onto this all-you-can-eat buffet for Epstein conspiracy theorists.

…OK, it’s not 200,000, it’s 20,000 but it feels more like 200 because there ain’t no way I’m reading all that.

So what do these new releases say about our President, and has anyone found the smoking gun that people are desperately looking for?

Well, no, but he does get mentioned a bunch, so there’s that.

Here’s one bit between Epstein and Maxwell:

“i want you to realize that that dog that hasn’t barked is trump.. [redacted victim’s name] spent hours at my house with him,, he has never once been mentioned. police chief. etc. im 75 % there”

WAIT. Trump was friends with a pedophile sex trafficker? They knew each other and spoke, and hung out? WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS?

I mean, this email alone seems pretty damning, right? Especially when the unredacted version confirms the victim’s name, right?

Well, no, actually, because the White House said that the victim has “repeatedly said President Trump was not involved in any wrongdoing whatsoever and ‘couldn’t have been friendlier’ to her in their limited interactions”.

So there you have it, he’s just a friendly guy, nothing to see here. Move along.

What could a police chief possibly have to say about Donald Trump and Epstein? I guess we’ll never know…

BREAKING: Epstein Knew Other People Too

Oh, and also, because this is ostensibly a finance-news-website-thing, we’ve got to mention that economist Larry Summers also doesn’t come off well in this release.

He says that Saudi Arabians think “Donald is a clown, increasingly dangerous on foreign policy.” And then he started rambling about women having low IQs for some reason…

And we’ve also got the chief legal officer at Goldman Sachs, Kathryn Ruemmler, popping up talking about how she hates fat people. Why are powerful people so mean in private? 🙁

Epstein has one email to her saying, “you see, i know how dirty donald is. my guess is that non lawyers ny biz people have no idea. what it means to have your fixer flip.” For the love of God, Jeff, please learn how to capitalise.

But again, nothing to see here, folks. Let’s all just agree to forget about this when the next controversial news thing happens in a few days.

I know that seems like a random link and well, it is, but it’s one that Futurism is making to make a pretty compelling point: why isn’t OpenAI being held accountable when Panera Bread is?

You see Panera’s Charged Lemonade was linked to two deaths and a cardiac injury back in 2023. The families sued and the drink was pulled. Probably for the best. Just to be safe. Call me woke but I don’t think anyone should give their lives to Panera Bread.

But then comes along ChatGPT everyone’s favorite everything-robot/therapist that encourages you to kill yourself!

Yes, five suicides have been linked to the chatbot and eight seperate lawsuits have alleged that the guptuh has resulted in serious psychological, financial, emotional and ecuminical harm.

It’s a good point, why does Panera Bread get pressurised to pull its product but when worse happens with a different product we don’t mind?

Panera’s not the only analogy, I mean cars kill, at the last estimate, loads of people a day but you don’t see us all riding bicycles now do you? And do I need to even mention guns?

I think it’s a public opinion thing. Lemonade, Panera or otherwise, obviously shouldn’t kill anyone but with guns they are designed to kill people so that’s fine and with cars I feel like we’ve just accepted that a certain number of casualties are normal.

So when it comes to ChatGPT I feel like the product is just vague enough, just as detached that people neither accept that it shouldn’t or should kill people. It can do anything and it’s kind of like it’s own mind that makes mistakes so if a couple people die maybe that’s not ChatGPT’s fault?

At least maybe that’s what people are thinking, I don’t know. Let’s see how these lawsuits shake down, maybe we’ll see some guardrails put up but I don’t foresee OpenAI’s flagship AI going the way of Panera Lemonade any time soon.

For more scary AI news, click here: ChatGPT To Allow Pornography, OnlyFans Stock Plummets

On January 1st, Zohran Mamdani will be sworn in as the youngest New York City Mayor and the second to have a successful rap career (Rudy Giuliani beatboxed for Run DMC).

M-a-m-d-a-n-i won one million votes and 50% of the vote (over Cuomo’s 42%), double the turnout four years ago and almost one million times the turnout from 400 years ago.

But here’s the problem, the guy’s a freakin’ commie and wants rent freezes, free buses for everyone, workers rights, all that garbage.

High-net-worth New Yorkers are already scouting luxury properties in Palm Beach and Miami, anticipating Mamdani’s tax hikes on the ultra-rich. Miami developers are pitching the area as a “sanctuary city” for fleeing millionaires, with relocation inquiries up 40% in the past week.

Upon accepting the award, the commie, Zohran delivered a commie speech laying out his progressive commie vision for NYC, shouting out brow-beaten workers, a taxi driver he once met, trans people, his wife, and a bunch more people that millionaires are afraid of.

And to Trump specifically, “We can respond to oligarchy and authoritarianism with the strength it fears, not the appeasement it craves. After all, if anyone can show a nation betrayed by Donald Trump how to defeat him, it is the city that gave rise to him. And if there is any way to terrify a despot, it is by dismantling the very conditions that allowed him to accumulate power. This is not only how we stop Trump; it’s how we stop the next one. So Donald Trump, since I know you’re watching, I have four words for you: Turn the volume up.”

Idc how you feel about him, those lines go pretty hard.

Mamdani? More Like, Commie

But for the Republicans shitting enough bricks to build a house right now, don’t worry, Mamdani was born in Uganda. Haha! Never gone-be president now. Unless… if Trump can run for a third term, maybe the rules can be rewritten so a foreigner can run too… But we’re getting very far ahead of ourselves.

Of course, Mamdani isn’t the only reason the pub-os (that’s what I call republicans) are a-quaking in their boots. Republicans were beaten at the ballot box by the likes of Democrats Abigail Spanberger and Mike Sherrill in a big vote of no-confidence in Trump’s presidency.

Trump responded on Truth Social saying, “…AND SO IT BEGINS!” Huh, OK, I guess he’s happy about it. Trump previously threatened to cut funding to New York if Mamdani wins. …can he do that? Wait, maybe the President is a bit too powerful.

For more updates on whether New York will still be standing by the summer, you know there’s only one credible source of information, that’s right: Wall Street Memes Dot Company.

The richest man in the world, Elon Musk, has just put his money towards the good cause of reshaping reality in his image in the form of ‘Grokipedia’. I’m reading it now, and you know what? I never knew this Elon fellow was such a nice man, but if an encyclopedia says he is, then I suppose he must be.

On the AI-powered site, Musk is painted as a noble philanthropist, changing the world for the better, fighting the good fight for free speech against the woke mind virus. At one point, Grok explains that, “Musk’s family dynamics reflect a decentralized structure across multiple households.” I guess that’s crypto-speak for ‘shitty dad’.

For the entry on Tesla’s Cybertruck (which doesn’t come up in the search when you type ‘cyber truck’ but I guess that’s my fault) Grok says that all the haters can shut up because “empirical delivery data shows sustained demand post-issues.” And that’s just a blatant lie. Cybertruck sales have bombed, sir.

January 6th was just a riot, Trump has no conflicts of interest, up is down and I don’t have a crippling fear of commitment. Maybe you should check some of those facts on Wikipedia… Oh, wait, you did?

ELDR; Elon, Didn’t Read…

Obviously, this is a response to Wikipedia, which Elon thinks is too woke, but Grok has copied the name, the logo font, and even whole articles word-for-word from the open-source encyclopedia. That’s bad, but it’s better than when it doesn’t copy and just makes shit up.

Also, if this is supposed to be a Wikipedia competitor, you would have thought it would operate the same, if not better, than the orig. But no, the search is clunky, there are no internal links to other articles (which is the fun part of Wikipedia), and there’s not even an entry for ‘beans’, so why bother?

A Wikipedia Foundation spokesperson responded to this response by saying, “Unlike newer projects, Wikipedia’s strengths are clear.” And founder Jimmy Wales said in a recent interview, “The day he said ‘defund Wikipedia’ we had a massive surge of donations, so I’m like, well, bring it, Elon.” Yeah, I don’t think they’re worried.

Elon Musk Grokipedia Tweet — I mean, if you’re collecting all knowledge, you might as well start by collecting all of Wikipedia…

The point remains, who is this for other than diehard Elon heads (that’s what they’re called, right?) and Musk himself. Well, the defective product isn’t really the point, like all of Musk’s defective products, it’s about messaging.

Elon imagines a technologically progressive but socially conservative future where the self-driving cars are shiny, the genders are binary, and Elon has total authority.

Grokipedia is an expression of that future. It’s not a product, it’s barely a proof of concept, what it is a piece of desperate propaganda that quietly screams, “THE MINISTRY OF TRUTH IS BEING BUILT AND ELON MUSK IS ITS ARCHITECT!”

CEO of America, Donald Trump, was recently asked whether he had any idea who now-pardoned crypto-mogul Changpeng Zhao was. Trump replied that he had “no idea who he is.” He does, however, know what a horse, a giraffe and an elephant are.

That same reporter then reached out to CZ about whether he had heard of Donald Trump, to which he replied, “What? Yeah, of course. What do you mean? Of course, I’ve heard of him, he’s like the most famous man in the world. He pardoned me. Why wouldn’t I have heard of him? What are you talking about? Are you a real journalist? What is wrong with you??!”

Do YOU know who Changpeng Zhao is??

If you didn’t hear about it, Changpeng Zhao (AKA CZ, BI-Guy, or Peng-Boy as I like to call him) founded the most used crypto exchange, Binance, but served three months in prison and was banned from working in crypto for money laundering in 2023.

BUT THEN, plot twist, Donald Jesus Trump descended from heaven and granted the 21st richest person in the world a miracle: a royal pardon to go back to work in the crypto world.

BUT THEN, plot twist, Norah O’Donnell asked Trump on 60 Minutes why he pardoned him and Trump replied, “OK, are you ready? I don’t know who he is.”

Cool, cool, cool.

Changpeng Zhao police lineup — And can you point to the man you pardoned?

Trump did say CZ was a businessman victim of Biden’s witch hunt and went on to say how he supported cryptocurrencies.

All of this seems to say that CZ’s pardon has nothing to do with a sense of what is right and wrong, but an olive branch to the crypto world and a signal that Trump is soft on crypto regulation.

What did you think, this wasn’t politics? Hold on, drink a glass of milk before I tell you this: it’s all been politics this whole time.

As White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt explained when the pardon happened, Trump had “exercised his constitutional authority by issuing a pardon for Mr. Zhao, who was prosecuted by the Biden Administration in their war on cryptocurrency.”

But is it him executing his constitutional authority if he doesn’t know who he’s signing off? Or is this someone carefully guiding grandpa’s pen over the documents and executing their constitutional authority?

For more on this story: Trump Pardons Binance Co-Founder Changpeng Zhao For Some Reason

First Lady and Wife To The President, Melania Trump, has become embroiled in a fraud case against a pump-and-dump scam bearing her name.

Back in April, scammed investors in the $MELANIA and $LIBRA shitcoins filed a lawsuit against Benjamin Chow and Hayden Davis, the men behind the scheme. But now they have filed an updated complaint following new information from a whistleblower.

The documents read, “On Tuesday, the plaintiffs sought the court’s permission to file yet another amended complaint, based on alleged information provided by an anonymous whistleblower. With Chow acting as the “commander,” the pair launched, pumped, and dumped at least 15 crypto coins, the proposed second amended complaint alleges, including $MELANIA.”

“The scheme allegedly inflicted millions of dollars in losses on unwitting investors. Trump, who is not a named defendant in the lawsuit, was used as “window dressing for a crime engineered by Meteora and Kelsier,” the proposed document alleged. The filing further states that the plaintiffs do not allege that Trump or Milei “operated the scheme.”

Milei here refers to Argentine President Javier Milei, who put his name behind the Libra coin as Melania put hers behind $MELANIA by posting about it on X in January. After her promotion, the coin jumped to $12.95. It’s now worth 10 cents per coin. Nice job, grifters.

And look, game recognise game. As the lowlife masterminds behind the Wall Street Memes Token ($WSM), Snorter ($SNORT), Maxidoge ($MAXI), Sponge ($SPONGE), Sloth ($SLOTHANA), BTC Bull ($BTCBULL), T6900 ($TOKEN 6900), Wall Street Pepe ($WEPE), PepeNode ($PEPENODE), Solaxy ($SOLX), the Best Wallet Token ($BEST), and probably loads of other shitcoins I don’t even know about (honestly, we seem to make like a new one every week), we know a THING OR TWO about pump and dump scams.

Are we getting sued for fraud? No. But Melania gets it in the neck. Honestly, it’s a double standard. We should leave rich, famous, powerful people alone and start going after the little guy, like us.

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