2025 | Wall Street Memes

The financial world was rocked today as CNBC’s loudest oracle, Jim “Inverse ETF” Cramer, assured investors that “the banks are fine,” prompting immediate panic, mass withdrawals, and the sound of short sellers gleefully clicking “Buy.”

“Look, I’ve seen this before,” shouted Cramer on Mad Money, veins pulsating with the passion of a thousand margin calls. “The fundamentals are strong, balance sheets are pristine, and I swear, this is not another 2008!”

Markets took this as an omen of biblical proportions.

Within 30 minutes of Cramer’s statement:

Wells Fargo stock dropped 9%, then glitched and turned into a Spirit Airlines voucher.
Bank of America issued a press release titled, “We Definitely Have Your Money, Please Stop Asking.”
Regional banks began rebranding overnight into sandwich shops, citing “a higher yield on mayo.”

“Every time he says something is ‘fine,’ I short it like my rent depends on it,” said Reddit user @StonkJesus420, currently up 600% on a leveraged inverse-Cramer ETF that doesn’t technically exist, but somehow still trades on Robinhood.

The Federal Reserve, when asked for comment, stared blankly into the abyss and slowly backed into a broom closet. Jerome Powell was last seen speedwalking to his bunker with a suitcase labeled “Plan Z.”

Meanwhile, SVB’s former marketing team has launched a new startup called “Definitely Not A Bank,” which promises your deposits are “emotionally supported, if not technically insured.”

Cramer, undeterred, went on to recommend First Republic Bank as a “strong buy” before it was promptly sold to Chase for a box of expired Lunchables and a signed photo of Jamie Dimon riding a unicorn.

“Honestly, I feel good about the economy,” Cramer said later in the program, moments before a Nasdaq server burst into flames and began playing Nickelback on loop.

Disclaimer: If Jim Cramer says your house isn’t on fire, please check your smoke detector immediately.

For more garbage news, click here: Cramer Just Predicted a Market Rally. We’re Screwed.

Once upon a time, there was a little boy who liked to cause all sorts of mischief and had a lot of fun playing tricks on the people around him.

Those fun tricks meant that everyone talked about the boy so that he became very famous, and then, when everyone needed someone to be in charge of the largest economy in the whole wide world, they chose the little boy.

One day, during a very boring economics briefing, the little boy decided to play a little trick. Suddenly, he shouted, “125% tariffs!”

Everybody jumped up, and all the markets started to panic, and a lot of people started to talk about these very big tariffs.

But when they came to see the naughty little boy and ask about the tariffs, he put a 90-day pause on all the tariffs.

Everybody told the little boy not to yell tariffs if there weren’t any tariffs, and the little boy said he wouldn’t, so then everybody went back to their lives.

But then the next day, it seemed that no one was paying the little boy any attention and had forgotten he was very powerful and that the tariffs were a really good idea actually. So then, once again, he cried, “Tariff! Tariff!” and once again, everyone came running and the markets went crashing down and everyone set their prices very high.

Once again, however, when they came to see the little boy, he said he had reduced retaliatory tariffs down to just 10% so that there were barely any tariffs at all.

So then everyone went back to their lives and tried to get a good night’s sleep and pretend that they had never heard the word ‘tariff’ in the first place.

Some say that the little boy is still yelling tariffs to this day, but now whenever he does, everyone knows not to listen because who knows what he will say the next day.

And then he got eaten by a wolf.

The End.

For more bedtime stories, click here: US Economy ‘Out Of UNO Reverse Cards’ Following Trump Tariff Block

Billionaire meme enthusiast and part-time Twitter gladiator Elon Musk has announced he is seeking $113 billion to divulge all the government secrets that he’s learned during his time in the White House. …Oh, wait, that’s not what that headline means? OK, let me change that, hold on…

Billionaire meme enthusiast Elon Musk has announced he is seeking $113 billion to sell off portions of his brain. The Tesla CEO will allow neuroscientists to carefully cut off little slivers of his brain that will be sold in an auction on Craigslist… Oh, oh, OK, sorry, I got that wrong again, one last time…

Billionaire Elon Musk has announced he is seeking $113 billion to buy other people’s brains… No? OK, he just wants money to be smarter? He’s paying people to call him smart? He’s building a new, improved version of Brain Training on Nintendo DS?? HE’S BUYING AN AI COMPANY?! …Close? OK, erm, he’s selling off his AI company? Yes? YES! Alright! Hahaha, finally got there. Not sure why I have to guess the news headline but here we are.

Elon Musk has announced a $300m share sale that would value xAI at $113bn. In the deal staff could sell off their shares to outside investors all as part of a scheme to get some more cash flowing through the Musky empire following his governmental departure (Dismissal? Fleeing? Firing? idk).

xAI is the company behind Musk’s own brand of memified AI, Grok. xAI also owns, wait, really? xAI owns X? Huh? Ok, fine. God, I just really don’t understand anything anymore.

In case you’re in the market, the overall group is priced at $113bn, xAI will set you back $80bn, but if you want X on its own, that’ll be $33bn, please. Bear in mind Musk bought X (then going by the pronouns, ‘Twitter’) for $44bn, so honestly it’s a bargain.

Last month Musk X’ed, “Back to spending 24/7 at work and sleeping in conference/server/factory rooms, I must be super focused on X/xAI and Tesla.” The announcement terrified the world and sent stock markets everywhere plummeting as everyone collectively cried out, “BUT WHO WILL RUN THE COUNTRY THEN?!”

Any more questions? No, well OK, I’ll be here if you need anything.

For more on this story, click here: Elon Leaves DOGE To Focus On Kids, No, Wait, Tesla

President Donald Trump has officially banned Taco Tuesday, calling it a “deep state psyop,” “a globalist ploy to weaken American hamburgers,” and “nothing to do with that name people are calling me.”

The executive order came following #TACO started trending on X, an acronym for ‘Trump always chickens out’ referring to how he often pulls out of his tariffs, settles out of court and how he really likes to eat chicken tacos.

Speaking from the Oval Office, Trump told reporters, “Taco Tuesday? Terrible. Frankly, Tuesday is for Americans, not for Mexican food. We’re going to change it and it’s going to be called American Tuesday, how do you like the sound of that? You like that, don’t you, Jonny you commie fuck. So it’s American Tuesday, Hot dogs. Maybe a McChicken. Who knows. But not tacos.”

The executive order, signed with a Sharpie on the back of a Mar-a-Lago cocktail napkin, declares that: “Effective immediately, any Tuesday taco consumption will be considered unpatriotic, punishable by death.”

Markets React: Chipotle Stock Tanks, Margaritas Plummet

Wall Street didn’t take the news well. Chipotle (NYSE: CMG) shares dropped 11% at the opening bell, with panicked investors selling off queso futures and pivoting to “Build-Your-Own-Burrito” ETFs.

Meanwhile, margarita coin (MARG), the unofficial memecoin of Taco Tuesday, nosedived 74% after Elon Musk tweeted a crying emoji and a GIF of a sombrero catching fire.

Social Media Meltdown

X is ablaze with outrage and memes. #TacoTuesdayBan trended #1, just above #GuacGate and #FreeTheSalsa. Influencers posted protest videos eating tacos in defiance, with one viral clip showing a bald eagle swooping down and stealing a taco from a protester in D.C. “Even the birds know this is wrong,” the caption read.

AOC responded with a TikTok explaining that tacos are “intersectional, empowering, and delicious.” Trump replied with a Truth Social post calling her “the Guac Queen of Communism.”

Either way, Trump’s ban has failed to quash dissenters from mocking their leader in chief so he’s hoping the President might bring back the rich American tradition that is Taco Tuesdays soon.

For more food-related political news, click here: Trump Agrees To Billion-Dollar Saudi Chip Deal, Frito-Lay Stocks Max Out

Tesla’s stock in Europe just dropped faster than a Cybertruck’s panel in a wind tunnel, plunging a shocking 49% in sales across the continent. Yes, that’s right, while European EV sales were busy vibing up 28%, Tesla was doing the financial equivalent of rage-quitting.

Europe: “Elon Saulted What Now?”

The tumble comes amid growing fallout from Elon Musk’s personality, which has officially entered the “brand liability” phase of its hero arc. Sources confirm that Musk’s latest political hot takes are so radioactive they’re being stored next to French nuclear waste.

Europeans, it turns out, weren’t thrilled when Musk flirted with Germany’s far-right, and now they’re giving his cars the kind of cold shoulder normally reserved for British tourists in Barcelona.

In Berlin, locals are allegedly keying Teslas not out of anger, but out of artistic expression. One was seen engraved with the phrase: “Ich bin kein Fan von X.”

Model Y Becomes Model “Why?”

Meanwhile, Tesla’s Model Y is reportedly still Tesla’s top-selling model in Europe, which is kind of like being the best player on a losing fantasy football team. The new “refresh” version of the car hit the market like a soggy bratwurst: technically there, but nobody’s excited.

Competitors like BYD are cruising by in cheap EVs like the “Dolphin Surf” (which sounds like a Nintendo character but costs less than Elon’s daily caffeine intake). The Dolphin’s starting price of €19,999 means you can now buy two Chinese EVs for the price of a Model 3 and still have change for a baguette.

Tesla’s European Stock Chart Resembles a Ski Slope

Wall Street analysts tried to put a brave face on things, but one was seen whispering, “We were promised Mars” while sadly scrolling through a BYD brochure. Tesla’s share of the European car market is now 0.7%, which ironically is lower than Dogecoin’s chance of replacing the Euro.

Scott Galloway even called the Musk era one of the “greatest brand destructions in history,” which is professor-speak for “bro, what are you doing?”

Europe is sending Elon a message loud and clear and it’s not written in Morse code. It’s written in plummeting sales figures.

Stay tuned. Stay memed.

The United States economy has officially run out of UNO Reverse Cards, according to a leaked Federal Reserve memo released early this morning. This comes just hours after the US trade court blocked the sweeping tariffs of one, President Trump, saying that he had ‘exceeded his authority’ as Ultimate Emperor of all the Universe.

This comes as a blow to Trump, who had his next five decades of 5-dimensional chess moves planned out. But as the ruling represents a reversal of a reversal of a reversal of a reversal on the tariffs, many economists are saying that reserves of reverses are now at a critical low point.

“For years, we’ve been able to respond to every global economic slap with a hearty ‘NO U,’” explained Fed Chair Jerome Powell while nervously flipping through an empty deck of colorful cards. “But now, we’re all out of reverses, skips, and we accidentally played our last Draw Four on Canada.”

Tarot Cards Not Working Either

The crisis deepened after the Department of Commerce attempted to reverse the tariff block by tweeting “+2 China, your move.” Unfortunately, China responded by slamming down a counterfeit Wild Card and banning all imports of American-made cars, movies, oil, steel, jeans, whiskey, ideas, memes, and problematic Alpha-Male influencers.

In response, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent held an emergency press conference, where he proposed introducing a new economic stimulus package consisting entirely of Monopoly money and unopened Pokémon booster packs.

“At this point, they’re both less volatile than the dollar,” he admitted while aggressively bubble-wrapping a holographic Charizard for national reserves.

Trump, ‘Keeping Cards Far From Chest’

President Trump, reached for comment at his self-declared “Oval Office” in the Mar-a-Lago breakfast buffet line, defended the move. “I play 8D chess, 4D UNO, and 2D checkers. These tariffs are tremendous. China’s been playing Draw Two for years. Well, now they’re gonna draw these hands,” he declared while attempting to trade a pancake for stock in GameStop.

When asked whether he had considered the economic fallout, Trump responded, “Look, if the economy needs more cards, I’ll print them myself. Executive Order: every American gets one Reverse Card. Boom. Solved.”

As of press time, the U.S. economy is still floundering to come up with a strategy now that it can no longer UNO-reverse its way out of global economic disputes. The Fed is reportedly considering borrowing cards from Canada, but negotiations stalled after Canada requested a formal apology, which we’re obviously not going to do.

For more UNO news, click here: BREAKING: Diddy Loses Game of UNO To Jailmate Sam Bankman-Fried

Disclaimer: This article is satire and should not be used as financial advice unless you get tips from your cousin who “almost bought Bitcoin in 2012.”

Oh my god. What year is this? I haven’t felt a rush like this since 2021. GameStop (GME), the company best known for giving you $2.14 and a sideways look for your entire Xbox collection, just took its meme stock status to the next level by yeeting $512.6 million into 4,710 Bitcoins, sending GME’s stock 2daMOON (up 3%)!!!

Yes, you read that right. GameStop, the mall relic you forgot existed until some guy named Roaring Kitty made it the most important stock in America in 2021, is now apparently a cryptocurrency titan. According to a press release written entirely in stonks memes and GIFs of rocket ships, the company has “diversified its treasury strategy” to include 4,710 Bitcoin.

Or in plain English: they just went full crypto degen.

GameStop Bitcoin — This image doesn’t really illustrate anything I just found it funny. Why is the giant coin in a pile of sand??

From Game Cases to Digital Coins: The Glow-Up No One Asked For

Following a minor internet event you may remember as THE ENTIRE MEME STOCK APOCALYPSE OF 2021, the company has been on a soul-searching journey.

“We asked ourselves, ‘What do we actually do?’” said CEO Chad Diamondhands. “The answer was clear: We are a vibe. A movement. A cult with a logo.”

And as with any modern cult, the next logical step was obviously dumping half a billion dollars into a volatile asset. Moreover, these assets can sometimes gain or lose 10% just because a tech billionaire tweets a meme of a dog farting on the moon.

Insiders and outsiders alike report the decision-making process looked like this:

First, Roaring Kitty posted a cat meme.
Next, someone in accounting replied “LFG 🚀.”
Then, the finance department flipped a Dogecoin.
Then, a corporate vote was held in the form of a Fortnite dance-off.
And finally, $513 million was wired to Coinbase.

Wall Street Reacts: “Wait, They Have That Much Cash?”

Meanwhile, analysts on CNBC tried their best to remain calm, and Jim Cramer announced, “Gamestop causes Bitcoin to pump!”

“This is either a genius move or a live demonstration of financial schizophrenia,” said hedge fund manager Rich McCondescenderson, while sweating visibly on-air. “We were hoping they’d maybe invest in cloud gaming or retail innovation. Instead, they YOLO’d into Bitcoin like it’s 2021 and Dogecoin still matters.”

Meanwhile, over on Reddit, r/wallstreetbets exploded with celebration:

“GME just became the Federal Reserve of meme coins.”
– u/DeepStonkThot69

“This is peak capitalism. I am so proud.”
– u/ElonMuskette420

In Case You Forgot: GameStop Is Still A Game Store

Once again, let’s take a moment to remember: this company sells used video games. Or rather, sold, before they followed in Michael Saylor’s micro-footsteps and pivoted to meme stock status, launching NFTs, and now throwing real-life millions into imaginary internet money.

So now GameStop says it plans to sell the Bitcoin in-store on scratched DVDs for $4 a piece. Will this move make GameStop rich beyond its wildest dreams, or bankrupt it faster than you can say “Mt. Gox”? Either way, we’re all buckled in for the ride.

GameStop’s new slogan, revealed besides the announcement, captures it best:

“Don’t just play games. Play GME.”

Disclosure: The author owns 0.0000003 BTC and one very sad GameStop receipt from 2012. This is not financial advice. This is performance art.

And if you’re looking for more shitty content like this, click here: Bitcoin Reaches ATH, Pizza Now Worth $1bn

In a shocking display of overachieving mediocrity, 29-year-old marketing associate Tyler Brenner logged into work Monday morning at 8:03 AM, blissfully unaware that no one else was doing the same.

Sources confirmed Tyler forgot it was Memorial Day, a national holiday celebrated by grilling meats, wearing patriotic cargo shorts, and, as is written by the founding fathers in the Constitution: not answering Slack messages.

“I thought the office group chat was quiet because people were heads down,” said Tyler, who had sent three emails, updated a Google Doc, and even scheduled a Zoom call with himself.

His only reply? A solitary ‘stars and stripes emoji’ reaction from a coworker who was clearly poolside, three beers deep, and using Teams on an iPad.

Markets Closed, Tyler Open

Despite the NYSE, Nasdaq, and common sense all being closed, Tyler bravely charged ahead, unaware that the only thing trading today was bratwurst for beer across every backyard in America.

Friends and family later confirmed Tyler has also forgotten Daylight Savings, Labor Day, and once attempted to show up to a wedding a week early because he “thought it was next Saturday.” Some say he may be the real-life embodiment of the “Grindset” meme, minus the Lambos and passive income.

Employee of the Month (But at What Cost? AT WHAT COST, TYLER??)

Tyler’s boss, when reached for comment from a hammock in Myrtle Beach, simply said:

“Honestly, let him. If he wants to write Q2 strategy while I’m shotgunning White Claws, that’s a win-win.”

Coworkers were less generous, flooding the office group chat later in the day with gifs of fireworks, eagles, and a well-timed “bro, go touch grass” from HR.

Tyler is reportedly planning to “take tomorrow off to make up for it,” completely unaware that no one will notice, and nothing he did today mattered.

For more from the very specific category of ‘local-man + national-holiday news’, click here: EMBARRASSING: Local Man Recycles Resolution From Last New Year

The Oval Office (so called because it’s round) now sports a warning sign on the front door: “BEWARE all ye world leaders who enter here! Beyond this door lies the lair of the AWKWARD ADMONISHMENT!!”

The next victim to not heed this warning is South African President Cyril Ramaphosa. On Wednesday, Ramaphosa arrived for a productive talk on trade with Trump but left questioning his life choices.

Thankfully, Cyril had clearly watched Zelensky’s awks-a-thon and wore the extra layers of a suit and tie so the dressing down wouldn’t be so exposing. He stayed calm and polite, not rising to the bait to trigger Vance’s classic attack combo, “Have you said thank you once?”

But this time, Trump had upped his game too: he’d brought receipts. Firstly, Trump had the lights dimmed so they could all watch a sizzle reel of an extremist minority opposition party leader yell anti-white rhetoric. Cyril could only watch on, bemused, wondering if maybe Trump thought this man spoke on behalf of the actual government or perhaps Trump had got him confused with another black man.

Trump then showed a clip from X of cars lined alongside crosses that Trump claimed were a mass grave with thousands of beheaded white farmers. Turns out this was a 2020 memorial for two white farmers, and each cross does not mark a grave site. Next was a collection of cherry-picked printouts of similar stories of white murder from such trusted tabloids as The New York Post and The Daily Mail.

Misrepresenting that X clip is emblematic of the whole point. These murders are happening and are a problem, but Trump is blowing them way out of proportion because that aligns with the political point he wants to make.

Trump claims that white farmers are fleeing a genocide, and it’s now the opposite of apartheid (weirdly pointing at Elon Musk multiple times). But that’s just not true, they’re much too busy making biltong and drinking brandy and Coke.

Trump’s aiming to make outlandish accusations for every country in the world, and he’s well on track to complete this goal before the end of his term. He just loves blowing single instances out of proportion because it fits the narrative: immigration bad, foreigners dangerous (unless the foreigner is the white man, in which case, scratch that, reverse it).

Someone should correct that man, I’m sure he’ll rectify himself once he knows he’s made a mistake.

At least Trump brought along some South African golfing buddies that he could talk to with some friendliness. Shall we talk about the trade agreement? Now hold on a second, we haven’t mentioned golf in 30 seconds, let’s cover that first.

For more golf news, click here: Trump Announces New Golf Course

Outperforming gold, oil, and several blue-chip stocks, ‘good… (and I’m just being told this now) vibes’ is officially the most solid investment option of the year.

What started as a fringe belief among yoga influencers and crypto bros has now found its way into serious investor portfolios.

“We’re bullish on vibes,” said Chase Freedom, lead analyst at YOLO Capital. “They’re intangible, inflation-resistant, and unlike NFTs, they can’t be screenshotted.”

In fact, the Federal Reserve has already added “100 positive aura” to its list of monitored economic indicators, just after unemployment and somewhere between TikTok’s total scroll distance and Mercury’s retrograde schedule.

“Shit, I mean we’ve been using ‘numbers’ and ‘math’ to work it out this whole time,” explained Fed Chair, Jerome Powell, “But it turns out vibes are just as good.”

Analysts ‘Not On The Vibe’

Some analysts remain skeptical. “This makes no sense,” said economist Dr. Linda Rationale, before promptly being booed off CNBC for suggesting people diversify into actual assets.

Meanwhile, Jim Cramer has declared “Good Vibes” a “bogus stock” on six separate episodes of Mad Money, meaning that it’s 100% going to the moon.

Money aka vibes — “Money. It’s all just vibes anyway, bro.” – Adam Smith

Gen Z Leading the Charge

Leading the charge is Gen Z, who have converted traditional portfolios into vibe-centric holdings. Robinhood now offers a new “Aura Index Fund” tracking 500 influencers with above-average serotonin levels.

One 22-year-old investor, who goes by the username “@ZenDaddy420,” described his investment strategy: “I wake up, sage my apartment, and dollar-cost average into gratitude.”

He reportedly made a 140% return last quarter, mostly from a TikTok that went viral featuring him staring into the sun and whispering “alignment.”

“Vibes Is Not Short For Vibrator” – Warren Buffett

In response to the hype, major corporations have started rebranding. Amazon’s Prime Day will now feature “Energy Drops,” and Goldman Sachs just launched a new division called GS Feelings™, which advises clients based on horoscopes and color therapy.

BlackRock has filed for an ETF under the ticker $VIBE, which includes a diversified basket of crystals, guided meditations, and affirmations that “resonate with your higher self.”

“I mean, if you think about it, money was only ever just vibes anyways,” commented BlackRock CEO, Dwayne ‘TheBlackRock’ Johnson.

Missing The Warning Vibes?

Not everyone’s convinced this bull run is sustainable.

“It’s starting to feel like the tulip bubble, but with incense,” said one bearish investor. “I just want to buy some bonds without being told to ‘heal my inner child.’”

Despite concerns, markets continue to rally. Nasdaq closed up 3% today after Beyoncé posted a smiling selfie captioned “Feeling aligned 🌞✨.” Bitcoin responded by surging $4,000 in five minutes.

What we’re really saying is it’s all just guess work, it’s all just vibes so invest in yourself, friend. Be the vibe you want to see in the world.

Disclaimer: Obvs, this article is for entertainment purposes only. Please consult a licensed spiritual guide before making any vibe-based investment decisions.

For more garbage, click here: This Week’s Top 6 Ponzi Schemes To Invest In

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