Ima Short | Wall Street Memes

In news that would give any boomer an aneurysm, the US Federal Housing Finance Agency has just issued an order to value Bitcoin and crypto as assets for a mortgage.

Real estate just got a little more virtual, paving the way for zip code NFTs and shitty timeshares scams entirely on the blockchain.

After decades of being denied access to the property ladder, coiners can now join the exclusive club of people allowed to own houses, along with anyone over the age of 50 and shady Russian oligarchs.

Bitcoin owners across the world collectively high-fived each other and said, simultaneously, “What could possibly go wrong?”

In completely unrelated news, Paramount Pictures has greenlit ‘The Big Short 2: Electric Boogaloo’.

Whilst details about the script remain under lock and key, producers have hinted that they were “Inspired by very recent events.”

“I’m not saying we’re heading for another housing market crash,” commented Adam McKay, who’s already signed on to direct the sequel. “But we’re heading for another housing market crash.”

“This one’s going to be spicier than the original, though,” McKay continued. “We’ve already cast Zach Galifianakis as Elon Musk and George Clooney as a Bitcoin.”

Alright, if that’s all the news for today, I’m off to go swap my DOGECOIN for a mansion with a view of the ocean.

For more coin news, click here: GameStop YOLOs $513M into Bitcoin

The dollar dropped massively after Donald Trump said he was looking at three or four people to replace “stupid” Fed Chair Jerome Powell. And whilst everyone was kept in suspense, bookies went wild with their predictions, SBF, Tiffany Fong, and Idris Elba ranked the top choices for the role.

But Trump played a curve ball and to everyone’s surprise but mine, picked nepo baby extraordinaire, Eric Trump, maybe the worst Trump, to head up maybe the most important role in the US’s economy.

Eric Trump is well known for not really being that well known, so it’s a good choice after every other family member that Trump had in his inner circle got burned by the first administration. Other than moving some money around when maybe he shouldn’t have and then got caught, Eric has basically zero financial experience, which makes him perfect for the role.

He also enjoys skiing.

Eric Trump seems a great replacement considering that Powell is “an average-minded person” with a “low IQ for what he does” according to Donald Trump. The insults can be added to a long list of barbs made in expense of the Fed Chair including, “Mr. Too Slow” and “Greasy Hair McGee”… that last one seems uncalled for.

Trump has also gone back and forth on whether he’ll replace the chair, suggesting a nice couch or maybe even an ottoman instead. As for the head of the Federal Reserve, he has continually threatened to replace Powell, but often walked back those statements and occasionally denied seeking his replacement.

Now he’s back on the offensive and as a result trust in the dollar is suffering, The news might mean that rate cuts are more likely. But who knows. Not me, don’t ask me.

For more news on this news, click here: Powell No Longer Invited To Trump’s Birthday BBQ

Mad Money host and cursed prophet of bad takes, James ‘Jim’ Cramer has revealed that he’s been in disguise as investor of Big Short fame, Michael Burry for years.

The Scooby Doo reveal explains Burry’s notoriously bad take two years ago when he simply tweeted, “Sell.” Since Burry’s post, the S&P 500 is up 50% but it’s now clear that this must have been the work of Cramer all along.

Burry Sell Tweet — Note the impressive realism in Cramer’s mask

When reached for comment, the real Burry is said to have responded, “Identity theft is not a joke, Jim!”

What exactly James Joseph Cramer was planning to accomplish with this Mission Impossible ruse will probably always remain a mystery, known only to the madness-riddled mind of Jim ‘The Joker of Wall Street’ Cramer.

Christian Bale is tipped to reprise his role as Michael Burry in the movie adaptation of this whole saga, and Louis C.K. has said he will come out of retirement to play Jim Cramer.

At the time, Burry admitted he was wrong with the Tweet that immediately preceded one of the market’s biggest rallies, commenting, “I was wrong to say sell.” It’s unclear if he meant morally wrong, or just incorrect.

Burry Your Dead

Ironically, Burry dubbed himself ‘Casandra’ on the platform after the prophet from Greek myths, blessed to always know the future but cursed to never have anyone believe her. This time, however, it was the other way around, and thankfully, no one listened to him.

J.J. Cramer, on the other hand, is less Casandra and more ‘big-bag-of-donkey-dicks-dra’, if you’ll excuse the pun. It’s been a long-running joke in the finance world that you should always bet against Cramer’s takes, to the point that there are Inverse Cramer funds that you can invest in and we have an entire ‘Cramer’ tab on this site.

But you probably knew all that, given that you’re here, reading this far into this article. I mean, if you didn’t know the joke already when you clicked on it, then what the hell are you doing? I guess you just like masks? Bit weird.

For more garbage finance news, click here: BREAKING: Jim Cramer Says “Banks Are Fine”, Market Prepares for Collapse

It’s not funny anymore. You had your fun. You did your little ‘memes’ but now real people are getting real hurt, OK?

The big Dollar-Gee-Em-Eee: GameStop is going Game-Flop with a share price that’s more tanked than a T110E5 in World of Tanks.

That’s right, even though they gamestopped selling games and pivoted to buying ALL of the bitcoin, Gemy stock has slumped 11%, all the way down to an almost $25 share price.

This sucks for me in particular because I only just got round to watching that movie with that kid who plays the Riddler in it. Not Jim Carrey, you know, the new one with the Twilight guy, what’s his name? What’s that, Paul Dano? No, I’m pretty sure he’s called Robert Patterson.

Anyway, I watched that movie, the meme stock movie, and I thought, yeah, maybe I should get in on this whole GameStop hype. To the moon, am I right?? So I bought everything I could, I’m talking life savings, mortgages, even the last few buttons I found down my couch.

I’ve never bought shares before, but I knew this was a sure thing, so I went all in, like, yesterday, and what do I find this morning? Gone. It’s all gone. I don’t want to lose anymore, so I cash out everything just to save myself any extra damage.

So yeah, that’s where I’m at now. Not sure the Riddler’s going to make a movie about me, but at this point I think it’s the only way I’ll recoup my losses.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, so GameStop’s lost basically all of its gains. Potentially, they could bounce back or get another gang of sweaty internet types to rally and save it again, but is a joke funny if you do it twice? Is a joke funny if you do it twice?

Maybe they’ll cash out their Bitcoin to refloat the boat or maybe, just maybe, they’ll start selling games again…

For more on this story, click here: GameStop YOLOs $513M into Bitcoin

The financial world was rocked today as CNBC’s loudest oracle, Jim “Inverse ETF” Cramer, assured investors that “the banks are fine,” prompting immediate panic, mass withdrawals, and the sound of short sellers gleefully clicking “Buy.”

“Look, I’ve seen this before,” shouted Cramer on Mad Money, veins pulsating with the passion of a thousand margin calls. “The fundamentals are strong, balance sheets are pristine, and I swear, this is not another 2008!”

Markets took this as an omen of biblical proportions.

Within 30 minutes of Cramer’s statement:

Wells Fargo stock dropped 9%, then glitched and turned into a Spirit Airlines voucher.
Bank of America issued a press release titled, “We Definitely Have Your Money, Please Stop Asking.”
Regional banks began rebranding overnight into sandwich shops, citing “a higher yield on mayo.”

“Every time he says something is ‘fine,’ I short it like my rent depends on it,” said Reddit user @StonkJesus420, currently up 600% on a leveraged inverse-Cramer ETF that doesn’t technically exist, but somehow still trades on Robinhood.

The Federal Reserve, when asked for comment, stared blankly into the abyss and slowly backed into a broom closet. Jerome Powell was last seen speedwalking to his bunker with a suitcase labeled “Plan Z.”

Meanwhile, SVB’s former marketing team has launched a new startup called “Definitely Not A Bank,” which promises your deposits are “emotionally supported, if not technically insured.”

Cramer, undeterred, went on to recommend First Republic Bank as a “strong buy” before it was promptly sold to Chase for a box of expired Lunchables and a signed photo of Jamie Dimon riding a unicorn.

“Honestly, I feel good about the economy,” Cramer said later in the program, moments before a Nasdaq server burst into flames and began playing Nickelback on loop.

Disclaimer: If Jim Cramer says your house isn’t on fire, please check your smoke detector immediately.

For more garbage news, click here: Cramer Just Predicted a Market Rally. We’re Screwed.

Billionaire meme enthusiast and part-time Twitter gladiator Elon Musk has announced he is seeking $113 billion to divulge all the government secrets that he’s learned during his time in the White House. …Oh, wait, that’s not what that headline means? OK, let me change that, hold on…

Billionaire meme enthusiast Elon Musk has announced he is seeking $113 billion to sell off portions of his brain. The Tesla CEO will allow neuroscientists to carefully cut off little slivers of his brain that will be sold in an auction on Craigslist… Oh, oh, OK, sorry, I got that wrong again, one last time…

Billionaire Elon Musk has announced he is seeking $113 billion to buy other people’s brains… No? OK, he just wants money to be smarter? He’s paying people to call him smart? He’s building a new, improved version of Brain Training on Nintendo DS?? HE’S BUYING AN AI COMPANY?! …Close? OK, erm, he’s selling off his AI company? Yes? YES! Alright! Hahaha, finally got there. Not sure why I have to guess the news headline but here we are.

Elon Musk has announced a $300m share sale that would value xAI at $113bn. In the deal staff could sell off their shares to outside investors all as part of a scheme to get some more cash flowing through the Musky empire following his governmental departure (Dismissal? Fleeing? Firing? idk).

xAI is the company behind Musk’s own brand of memified AI, Grok. xAI also owns, wait, really? xAI owns X? Huh? Ok, fine. God, I just really don’t understand anything anymore.

In case you’re in the market, the overall group is priced at $113bn, xAI will set you back $80bn, but if you want X on its own, that’ll be $33bn, please. Bear in mind Musk bought X (then going by the pronouns, ‘Twitter’) for $44bn, so honestly it’s a bargain.

Last month Musk X’ed, “Back to spending 24/7 at work and sleeping in conference/server/factory rooms, I must be super focused on X/xAI and Tesla.” The announcement terrified the world and sent stock markets everywhere plummeting as everyone collectively cried out, “BUT WHO WILL RUN THE COUNTRY THEN?!”

Any more questions? No, well OK, I’ll be here if you need anything.

For more on this story, click here: Elon Leaves DOGE To Focus On Kids, No, Wait, Tesla

Tesla’s stock in Europe just dropped faster than a Cybertruck’s panel in a wind tunnel, plunging a shocking 49% in sales across the continent. Yes, that’s right, while European EV sales were busy vibing up 28%, Tesla was doing the financial equivalent of rage-quitting.

Europe: “Elon Saulted What Now?”

The tumble comes amid growing fallout from Elon Musk’s personality, which has officially entered the “brand liability” phase of its hero arc. Sources confirm that Musk’s latest political hot takes are so radioactive they’re being stored next to French nuclear waste.

Europeans, it turns out, weren’t thrilled when Musk flirted with Germany’s far-right, and now they’re giving his cars the kind of cold shoulder normally reserved for British tourists in Barcelona.

In Berlin, locals are allegedly keying Teslas not out of anger, but out of artistic expression. One was seen engraved with the phrase: “Ich bin kein Fan von X.”

Model Y Becomes Model “Why?”

Meanwhile, Tesla’s Model Y is reportedly still Tesla’s top-selling model in Europe, which is kind of like being the best player on a losing fantasy football team. The new “refresh” version of the car hit the market like a soggy bratwurst: technically there, but nobody’s excited.

Competitors like BYD are cruising by in cheap EVs like the “Dolphin Surf” (which sounds like a Nintendo character but costs less than Elon’s daily caffeine intake). The Dolphin’s starting price of €19,999 means you can now buy two Chinese EVs for the price of a Model 3 and still have change for a baguette.

Tesla’s European Stock Chart Resembles a Ski Slope

Wall Street analysts tried to put a brave face on things, but one was seen whispering, “We were promised Mars” while sadly scrolling through a BYD brochure. Tesla’s share of the European car market is now 0.7%, which ironically is lower than Dogecoin’s chance of replacing the Euro.

Scott Galloway even called the Musk era one of the “greatest brand destructions in history,” which is professor-speak for “bro, what are you doing?”

Europe is sending Elon a message loud and clear and it’s not written in Morse code. It’s written in plummeting sales figures.

Stay tuned. Stay memed.

The United States economy has officially run out of UNO Reverse Cards, according to a leaked Federal Reserve memo released early this morning. This comes just hours after the US trade court blocked the sweeping tariffs of one, President Trump, saying that he had ‘exceeded his authority’ as Ultimate Emperor of all the Universe.

This comes as a blow to Trump, who had his next five decades of 5-dimensional chess moves planned out. But as the ruling represents a reversal of a reversal of a reversal of a reversal on the tariffs, many economists are saying that reserves of reverses are now at a critical low point.

“For years, we’ve been able to respond to every global economic slap with a hearty ‘NO U,’” explained Fed Chair Jerome Powell while nervously flipping through an empty deck of colorful cards. “But now, we’re all out of reverses, skips, and we accidentally played our last Draw Four on Canada.”

Tarot Cards Not Working Either

The crisis deepened after the Department of Commerce attempted to reverse the tariff block by tweeting “+2 China, your move.” Unfortunately, China responded by slamming down a counterfeit Wild Card and banning all imports of American-made cars, movies, oil, steel, jeans, whiskey, ideas, memes, and problematic Alpha-Male influencers.

In response, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent held an emergency press conference, where he proposed introducing a new economic stimulus package consisting entirely of Monopoly money and unopened Pokémon booster packs.

“At this point, they’re both less volatile than the dollar,” he admitted while aggressively bubble-wrapping a holographic Charizard for national reserves.

Trump, ‘Keeping Cards Far From Chest’

President Trump, reached for comment at his self-declared “Oval Office” in the Mar-a-Lago breakfast buffet line, defended the move. “I play 8D chess, 4D UNO, and 2D checkers. These tariffs are tremendous. China’s been playing Draw Two for years. Well, now they’re gonna draw these hands,” he declared while attempting to trade a pancake for stock in GameStop.

When asked whether he had considered the economic fallout, Trump responded, “Look, if the economy needs more cards, I’ll print them myself. Executive Order: every American gets one Reverse Card. Boom. Solved.”

As of press time, the U.S. economy is still floundering to come up with a strategy now that it can no longer UNO-reverse its way out of global economic disputes. The Fed is reportedly considering borrowing cards from Canada, but negotiations stalled after Canada requested a formal apology, which we’re obviously not going to do.

For more UNO news, click here: BREAKING: Diddy Loses Game of UNO To Jailmate Sam Bankman-Fried

Disclaimer: This article is satire and should not be used as financial advice unless you get tips from your cousin who “almost bought Bitcoin in 2012.”

… And it didn’t work! The ratings firm Moody’s has just downgraded the US’s credit rating from AAA to Aa1 (which is worse apparently… even though it looks better imo).

As a result, the dollar has slid (again) and longer-dated treasury yields rose 5%… whatever that means. Don’t look at me, I’m a letters guy, not a numbers guy.

Markets reacted exactly how you’d expect: with complete and utter confusion. The Dow dipped slightly before bouncing back, like a toddler who fell down and forgot why they were crying. Bitcoin spiked for absolutely no reason (as usual), and someone on CNBC tried to explain the bond market using a whiteboard and a metaphor involving avocado toast.

Moody’s In A Bad Mood With Trump

Mr. Moody himself released a statement saying that this downgrade, “Reflects the increase over more than a decade in government debt and interest payment ratios to levels that are significantly higher than similarly rated sovereigns.” But clearly this bitch ain’t never heard of ‘you’ve gotta spend money to make money’.

Economists warn that the downgrade could raise borrowing costs for the government, which sounds bad, though to be fair, the government borrows money the way college students do: with zero intention of ever paying it back.

Naturally, Trump defaulted to his tried and true method: blame Biden. Taking to the political equivalent of yelling into a mirror (Truth Social), Trump posted, “AMERICA’S CREDIT SCORE WAS PERFECT UNDER ME!!! BIDEN RUINED EVERYTHING. SAD!!!”

The White House replied to the news, saying, “If Moody’s had any credibility, they would not have stayed silent as the fiscal disaster of the past four years unfolded.” So true. I, for one, had never heard of Moody’s until this very moment.

Big, Beautiful Bust

This awkward news follows Trump’s “big, beautiful” budget bill getting shot down on Friday by none other than five of Trump’s own Republicans. Mega awks.

The proposed bill would have cut taxes by $3.72 trillion over ten years, cut Medicaid spending and cut tax on tips. Dissenting Republicans felt the cuts did not go far enough whereas Democrats said the cuts went too far. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

Republicans have vowed to bring back a “better, more Trumpy” version of the budget, including bigger, more beautiful tax cuts, military spending increases, and a line item for “Space Force Merch.” Democrats responded with their own proposal: “No.”

Still, Trump remains undeterred. When asked what his next move would be to fix the economy, he answered confidently: “We’re looking into NFTs. Very classy ones. George Washington in a MAGA hat. Tremendous value.”

Stay tuned, folks. America’s credit might be downgraded, but the drama? Perpetually AAA.

You want more of this slop? Here, eat up little piggy: US Cuts Chinese Tariffs By 115% Which Is Impossible Because You Can’t Have More Than 100 Out Of 100 It’s Just Simple Math

El Presidente Donald Trump has announced his plan to reopen San Francisco’s island prison of Alcatraz, but this time with just two inmates, disgraced crypto bro Sam Bankman-Fried and disgraced creepy bro, P. Diddy.

Reportedly, Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs, Sam ‘Bankman’-Fried were sharing a jail cell in New York and hit it off. So well, in fact, that Trump now says, “It would be inhumane to separate them, you know, like guinea pigs.”

“I’m going to reopen the Rock and it’s going to be for the world’s toughest criminals, and I mean really mean guys. I’ve got two to start with. Diddy. SBF. We’ll put Epstein in there if we ever catch him. It’ll be like Arkham Asylum. But real. And more secure.”

Trump plans to reopen Alcatraz — Epstein Island 2.0?

Completely remodelling the former prison for just two inmates would seem cost-ineffective, but Trump has assured voters that it’s not.

“It’s just an idea I have and i guess because of these judges they want trials for every single one of these illegal immigrants in our country, it’s ridiculous, but Alcatraz has long been a symbol, I don’t know why, but it’s long been a symbol of law and order in our country and we’re going to think about that.”

Trump, “Sam Bankman-Not-Quite-So-Freed”

When Alcatraz closed in 1963 it was three times more expensive to run than any other prison. But that’s before they got dat Diddy money! *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* BrrrrrAPP-BRAP!! Yeah, they can afford it now fo sho. Fo sho!

Sure, they’d have to knock it down and start over but phhhffff, that’s worth the price to keep us all safe? Us all safe from Diddy (and SBF)? Heck, I’d pay the moon not to have him sneak into my room at night. Heck, I say ROCK HIM UP!

For more on this story, you can read this one too: SBF is Trading Mackerel in Prison