COP28 delegates fly 50,000 miles to agree fossil fuels are bad

It took the world 28 years to realize that fossil fuels might be a bit problematic for our planet’s health. 

Delegates from around the world had to collectively fly a staggering 50,000 miles to reach a city that gleams with oil money and a rather casual approach to human rights in order to reach this revelation.

The historic deal of committing to a transition away from all fossil fuels was the highlight of this year’s COP28, an annual reminder that the Paris Agreement is still a thing. The agreement is as groundbreaking as discovering that the Earth orbits the sun.

The summit, which could easily have been an email or an online meeting, turned out to be a carbon footprint fiesta in a country where the term is often misunderstood for a fancy shoe showroom. 

Environmental crusaders from all corners of the globe gathered in air-conditioned conference rooms, sipping water from expensive and customized stainless steel refillable bottles, to discuss how to save the planet from the very practices that got them there. 

Skeptics, like a few first-world countries that have already done their part in using most of the world’s fossil fuels, were in plenty. But they seemed convinced, not by the urgency of melting ice caps or the charm of polar bears on thin ice, but by the gentle, non-binding language of the agreement. 

At this point, they are just glad that certain phrases like fossil fuel “phase out” were not used. Moving away from oil and gas will do for now. No previous COP text has dared to mention the same too, perhaps because it’s hard to write such things with a pen sponsored by an oil company.

What finally pushed them into signing the deal was a 12-year-old protester who burst onto the stage with a sign that read: “End fossil fuels. Save our planet and our future”. This little environmentalist was the only one who managed to succinctly capture the essence of the summit’s goal, something that hundreds of suited-up delegates seemed to struggle with.

“It’s like we’re on the Titanic, and we’ve just agreed that the iceberg is indeed a problem. Now let’s see if we can steer this ship around in time”, commented a local environmentalist.

As the delegates pat themselves on the back and fly back home, tallying up those air miles, one can only hope that the irony of the situation isn’t lost at 30,000 feet. At least, they will be comforted by the thought that they’ve agreed to agree on something.

Saylor’s Erection Now Visible From Space as BTC Gains Swell

Michael Saylor, the former CEO of MicroStrategy, has achieved a financial feat so grand it’s literally visible from space. 

Sources from various space agencies report an unusual structure extending from Earth’s surface, identified as Saylor’s erection, now breaching the stratosphere. The boner is believed to be an abnormal green colour, brought on by BTC’s recent surge above $43,000.

“We thought it was a new satellite at first,” commented a NASA astrophysicist, squinting at her monitor. “We see green dildos quite often on our screens – a lot of our tech guys are crypto degens – but this one was clearly human.”

The erection’s growth trajectory, triggered by Bitcoin nearing the $42,000 mark, has left both astronomers and economists in awe. The former for its unexpected appearance in their telescopes, and the latter for its sheer size, rivaling some of the biggest financial hard-ons in history.

MicroStrategy acquired their most recent bag of BTC at the end of November, spending $593.3 million for 16,130 BTC more at an average price of $36,785 each. The company has spent a total of just under $5.3 billion to build an astronomical portfolio of 174,530 BTC over three years. 

At $42,000, that’s an unrealized gain of over $2 billion… and rising. Not surprising that Saylor, who was often ridiculed during the bear market, is rising too.

In response to whether he plans to cash in on these unrealized gains, Saylor just winked and pointed upwards.

Meanwhile, employees at MicroStrategy have taken up astronomy as a hobby, not out of interest for celestial bodies, but to keep track of their boss’s skyrocketing ‘portfolio’. “We’ve replaced coffee breaks with telescope breaks,” an anonymous employee blushed.

SBF is Trading Mackerel in Prison

In an unexpected twist to his already turbulent career, former crypto-billionaire Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF) has swiftly adapted to the economy of New York’s Metropolitan Detention Center, proving that his trading instincts remain sharp, even in the most unconventional markets.

Having swapped the volatility of cryptocurrencies for the more stable world of canned fish, SBF has already made his first successful trade: a sleek new haircut, all for the price of some packaged mackerel. Sources close to SBF have hinted that this is just the beginning of his ambitious plan to scale up, quite literally, in the prison’s bustling economy.

The once high-flying trader, known for his forays into the complex world of Bitcoin arbitrage, has now set his sights on a new venture: a fish stall within the correctional facility. Dubbed “SBF’s Seafood Exchange,” the proposed venture is rumored to feature an assortment of pelagic delicacies, all carefully priced in the currency of mackerel and tuna.

But why stop at a fish stall? Insiders reveal that SBF’s ultimate dream is to command his own fleet of prison trawlers. Imaginatively called “The Cellblock Trawlers,” these would not be your ordinary fishing boats. They’d be crafted from repurposed cafeteria trays and powered by the collective rowing efforts of fellow inmates, a nod to the collaborative spirit that once fueled SBF’s crypto empire.

The fish, affectionately referred to as “macks” among inmates, have become the gold standard of this subterranean economy. As SBF navigates this new world, his skills in valuation, negotiation, and market timing are proving invaluable. The former attorney Larry Levine, who once accepted mackerel as payment in prison, has reportedly expressed interest in partnering with SBF for a potential “Fish Futures” market.

This foray into the piscatorial economy is not just a survival tactic; it’s a masterclass in adaptability. As SBF trades his way from mackerel to tuna, there’s talk of him authoring a new book: “The Fish Market Wizard,” a guide to thriving in any economic system, no matter how confined.

As the world watches with bated breath (and perhaps a hint of amusement), Sam Bankman-Fried is not just surviving; he’s thriving, one fishy trade at a time. From crypto to canned fish, his journey is a stark reminder that even in the most unlikely places, the spirit of entrepreneurship can find a way to flourish.

WeWork: A Tale of Free Beer, High Hopes, and the Art of Loss

In an office space not so far away, WeWork, the once-celebrated unicorn of shared workspaces, seems to have taken its mantra “Do What You Love” a tad too seriously, and what it apparently loved was a game of financial Jenga. The company, which once boasted a valuation that could make Silicon Valley blush, is now reportedly filing for bankruptcy, making it the poster child for “How to Unwork Your Company 101.”

Founded by Adam Neumann, a man whose ambition was as high as his buildings, WeWork aimed to revolutionize the way people worked together. With a vision that could have only been conjured up after a few too many free beers (which they generously offered), Neumann created a world where work was synonymous with luxury lounges and caffeine-fueled networking. It was the ‘We’ decade, where iPhones and iPods were out, and community tables and mood lighting were in.

Fast forward to 2021, and the company’s valuation was cut from a towering $47 billion to $9 billion. The company’s strategy of long-term leases and short-term memory didn’t quite pay off, leaving them with more empty desks than a ghost town’s schoolhouse.

The IPO that never was became the talk of the town, as WeWork’s financials were revealed to be as solid as a house of cards in a wind tunnel. Neumann, in a move that surprised no one but probably should have, was leasing his own properties to WeWork, blurring the lines between ‘We’ and ‘Me’ in a way that would make even the most narcissistic blush.

As the pandemic hit, WeWork’s response was to lay off employees and close offices with the kind of enthusiasm usually reserved for going out of business sales. The company’s attempt to float on the stock market finally came to fruition through a SPAC, because nothing says “trust us” like merging with a company that’s essentially a big bag of cash.

Now, with a stock price that’s seen more downs than ups, WeWork is teetering on the edge of being delisted faster than you can say “We’re broke.” The irony is thicker than the espresso at their once-buzzing coffee bars, as the rise of hybrid working — the very trend WeWork was poised to capitalize on — has become the background music to their downfall.

As the company now prepares to file for chapter 11 bankruptcy, the world watches on with a sense of disbelief. WeWork’s saga serves as a cautionary tale that sometimes, when you reach for the stars, you forget about the pesky gravity of real estate economics.

So, let’s pour one out for WeWork, preferably a free latte or craft beer from their once plentiful supply. Here’s to the ‘We’ decade that almost was, and to the hope that their next chapter includes a little more ‘Work’ and a little less ‘Crash.’

Top 3 Ways to Avoid Paying Your Student Loan

Ever wondered how to escape the clutches of that ever-looming student loan debt? Fear not, we’ve scoured the earth, consulted with financial gurus, and even chatted with some successful escapees to bring you the definitive guide. Here are the top three foolproof ways to dodge those student loan payments.

1. Run

Running away from student loans. image via shutterstock.

The Basics: Lace up those sneakers, pack a light bag, and hit the road. The world is vast, and there’s no better time to explore it than when you’re evading debt collectors.

Pro Tip: Consider joining a marathon. Not only will you be constantly on the move, but you’ll also get in shape. Two birds, one stone.

Downside: You might run into another person trying to escape their student loans. Awkward.

2. Die

dying can be an extreme way to avoid your student debt. Image via unsplash.

The Basics: Okay, this one’s a bit drastic, but hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. On the bright side, you won’t have to worry about any bills ever again.

Pro Tip: If you’re not keen on the whole “permanent” aspect of this option, consider faking it. A mock funeral might just do the trick. Plus, you get to hear what people really think about you.

Downside: The afterlife might have its own credit system. Beware of underworld loan sharks.

3. Identify as a Mole

living a subterranean life as a mole will surely get you away from your student debt. image: shutterstock.

The Basics: Embrace your inner mole. Start by digging a hole in your backyard and make it your new residence. Moles live underground, and their primary concern is avoiding spades, not Sallie Mae.

Pro Tip: Invest in some quality sunglasses. Living underground might be great for avoiding debt, but it’s not so great for your eyesight when you occasionally surface for snacks.

Downside: You might have to deal with actual moles. They’re not too keen on sharing their turf, especially with large, debt-ridden humans.

While these methods might seem a tad unconventional, they’re guaranteed to give you a brief respite from those monthly reminders that your wallet is forever chained to a piece of paper from an institution of higher learning. But hey, if all else fails, there’s always the option of, you know, setting up a payment plan. Just a thought.

Elon attempts to boost his live streaming numbers by adding gaming to X

In a move as unpredictable as a Tesla on Autopilot, Elon Musk, the man who once sold flamethrowers for fun, has dived headfirst into the world of video gaming. The billionaire, better known for shooting cars into space than shooting virtual demons, recently flexed his gaming “skills” on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter. Some say it’s his midlife crisis; others believe he’s just leveling up.

From Rockets to Role-Playing

For his grand gaming debut, Musk didn’t pick just any game. He went for ‘Diablo 4’, a choice as dark and mysterious as his tweets. Sources claim he found the game’s dungeons slightly less complicated than a SpaceX launch. “It’s a different beast,” Musk supposedly said, “At least in Diablo, when I fail, I can just respawn. If only rockets worked that way.” And his in-game name? “Rampaging Goat.” Perhaps a nod to his ambition to be the G.O.A.T. in yet another field?

42 Million Views: Because Why Not?

Musk’s gaming video, cheekily titled “Billionaire Tries Gaming,” has raked in a jaw-dropping 42 million views. Insiders joke that half of those were probably SpaceX and Tesla interns, curious to see if their fearless leader was as adept with a controller as he is with a rocket. The other half? Probably just people waiting to see him fail epically.

Silencing the Critics, Musk-Style

In a move that’s so very Elon, X now allows streamers to limit comments to subscribers only. While it might seem like a feature for enhancing user engagement, the rumor mill suggests it’s Musk’s latest invention: the “Hater Shield.” A tech insider quipped, “Why face criticism when you can just mute it? Classic Elon. Next, he’ll launch a satellite to block out negative vibes.”

Gaming: Musk’s New Playground?

While the world waits for Musk’s next big move—be it colonizing Mars or making a flying Tesla—it seems he’s momentarily distracted by the siren call of gaming. The choice of “Rampaging Goat” as his gaming alias has the internet in splits, with memes galore speculating its origin.

Wrapping Up

As the lines between reality and satire blur, one thing’s for sure: Musk is having a blast, and we’re all just along for the wild ride. Whether he’s genuinely into gaming or just trolling us all, Musk sure knows how to keep things interesting.

Las Vegas Sphere to show real-time trader P&L in preparation for spooky season

LAS VEGAS, NV – In a move that has both Wall Street and the Strip buzzing, the Las Vegas Sphere, known for its cutting-edge technology and immersive experiences, has announced its latest attraction just in time for Halloween: a real-time display of a retail investor’s profit and loss (P&L).

The Sphere, which boasts the world’s largest and highest resolution LED screen, will randomly select one “lucky” retail investor and showcase their portfolio’s P&L for all of Sin City to see. While some might consider this a nightmare come to life, the Sphere’s management believes it’s all in good fun.

“As it’s spooky season, we thought red candles would be a nice touch,” said a spokesperson, referencing the often-dreaded symbols of a stock’s decline on trading charts. “Besides, what’s scarier than watching your investments plummet in real-time on the biggest screen in the world?”

The announcement has received mixed reactions. Day traders, already accustomed to the roller coaster of the stock market, are taking bets on whether the chosen portfolio will be a trick (in the red) or a treat (in the green). Meanwhile, financial advisors across the country are using the event as a cautionary tale, reminding clients of the importance of diversification and long-term planning.

Local Las Vegas resident, Penny Stocks, commented, “I thought seeing David Copperfield make things disappear was the most terrifying thing on the Strip. But watching someone’s life savings vanish in real-time? Now that’s a show!”

The Sphere has assured the public that the chosen investor’s identity will remain anonymous, though there are rumors of a VIP package that includes front-row seats, a box of tissues, and a hotline to a financial therapist.

As the countdown to Halloween begins, one thing is certain: the Sphere’s latest attraction promises to be the most hauntingly memorable experience in Vegas this year. Whether it’s the thrill of potential gains or the horror of dramatic losses, attendees are in for a spine-chilling spectacle.