Google Maps Crashes Under Sheer Volume Of Border Changes

Google’s map app, ‘Google Maps’ has reported global outages following the overwhelming number of border changes implemented by President Donald Trump.

The changes began with the rebranding of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of the United States of America. Next came the acquisition of Greenland, then Canada, and then Palestine. Just this week, Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth said that Ukraine’s pre-2014 borders would be unrealistic, effectively ceding Crimea to Russia. Then, Trump announced his plan to begin Ukraine peace talks after a call with Putin. And lastly, California has unmoored itself from the continent and is now adrift in the pacific.

With all these dramatic changes, Google Maps has had no choice but to completely crash. Now users attempting to use the app to navigate will be rerouted through the ocean which, to be fair, is about as usable as it was before.

In an attempt to fix the bug, Google has patched the displayed map to only feature two global countries, Russia and America. Reportedly this simplifies the app’s data and means that everything’s running smoothly again. The only downside is that it has started a new cold war.

“Yeah, this isn’t our fault,” claimed Gordon Mesotenso, Google’s lead cartographer. “I was born with a severe condition in which I’m told I am unable to communicate successfully with humans however I am able to create maps with the accuracy of a satellite. No, I do not play geoguesser.”

“Google Maps is and always has been 100% accurate regardless of territorial disputes,” continued Mesotenso. “China owns the independent sovereign nation of Taiwan. The free Israeli state of Palestine is entirely autonomous of any other country. And Kasmir simply exists on another plain of existence.”

“The problem is when people come in and tell me what’s where and what’s called what. I can keep up but the app can’t. When we have to keep updating it every other day our users’ phones crash and then what? People die. That’s what.”

It remains to be seen what remains to be seen or if anything can be seen at all. Stay tuned.

Latest news

Ima Short• February 13, 2025D

Google Maps Crashes Under Sheer Volume Of Border Changes

Google’s map app, ‘Google Maps’ has reported global outages following the overwhelmi...
Politics
Ima Short• D

Google Maps Crashes Under Sheer Volume Of Border Changes

Google’s map app, ‘Google Maps’ has reported global outages following the overwhelmi...
Politics

Elon Musk Makes Compelling New Offer For OpenAI: “I’ll Leave You Alone”

After OpenAI CEO Sam Altman refused Elon Musk’s offer of $97.4bn, the world’s richest man made a compelling counteroffer: “I’ll leave you alone forever, I won’t Tweet, and I won’t show up at your door in the middle of the night anymore.”

Altman now has to take this offer to the board and consider their options but given the generous bid, they might take some time to deliberate.

On the one hand, they would lose control of the company behind ChatGPT and give that technology to the increasingly politically motivated Elon Musk (AKA Harry Bōlz, AKA Adrian Dittmann, AKA Kekius Maximus). But on the other hand, they won’t have to hear his very funny jokes anymore (remember the sink bit?). But on the other hand, they wouldn’t receive any money for the most valuable startup in the world. But on the other hand, can you put a price on inner peace?

Close your eyes. Breathe deep. Imagine for a moment a Musk-less world. Breathe out.

Hmm. Perhaps that is worth $97.4bn?

Donald Trump is said to be interested in the same offer after Elon rocked up at the White House yesterday for an impromptu press conference. The Trump team has said the trespasser will be prosecuted within the full extent of the law.

Altman laughed the original offer (much lower than $300bn estimated value) out the door and Tweeted in response, “no thank you but we will buy twitter for $9.74 billion if you want.” Well, jokes on Altman because it’s not called Twitter! HAHAHA! You idiot! You IDIOT!

This episode in an ongoing spat between the two men helped found OpenAI and then fought for control of the company. More recently Musk and Altman clashed on the proposed Stargate project in which both men built giant mechanized robots to fight each other.

Honestly, they should just f*** and get it over with.

Latest news

Ima Short• February 12, 2025D

Elon Musk Makes Compelling New Offer For OpenAI: “I’ll Leave You Alone”

After OpenAI CEO Sam Altman refused Elon Musk’s offer of $97.4bn, the world’s richest ...
Elon
Ima Short• D

Elon Musk Makes Compelling New Offer For OpenAI: “I’ll Leave You Alone”

After OpenAI CEO Sam Altman refused Elon Musk’s offer of $97.4bn, the world’s richest ...
Elon

Any Sort Of Bowl, Super Or Otherwise, Fails To Make Appearance For 59th Year Running

Bowl fans nationwide were confused and frightened to discover that once again no bowl was featured during the Super Bowl.

“I’m disgusted. I vomited into this bowl I always carry with me,” commented bowl aficionado, Brandon Bropslod. “We expected to see a bowl that had superpowers of some kind and instead we were given a game of football? What?”

Fans were initially hopeful that one of the players would bring a bowl onto the field however this did not occur. Next, when the halftime show began there were rumors that Kendrick Lamar might emerge wearing a bowl haircut however this was not the case. During the ad breaks, bowl fans were on the edge of their seats in anticipation of a breakfast cereal ad but, alas, no luck.

Experts are baffled by this phenomenon. Some believe that the bowls have been abducted by aliens, while others suspect that they are hiding in a secret location, waiting for the perfect moment to reveal themselves.

The NFL has released a statement expressing their concern and disappointment. “We are doing everything in our power to locate the missing bowls,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “We understand how important this tradition is to our fans, and we are committed to finding a resolution.”

In the meantime, fans are left to wonder what has happened to their beloved bowls. Some have taken to social media to express their frustration and disappointment.

“#WhereAreTheBowls” has been trending on Twitter for several days. One user wrote, “I can’t believe this is happening. I’ve been looking forward to the Super Bowl all year.”

Another user added, “This is a travesty. The bowls are a part of our national heritage.”

The search for the missing bowls continues, and fans are hopeful that they will be reunited with their beloved tradition soon. However, with each passing day, the mystery deepens, and the question remains: where are the bowls? WHERE ARE THE BOWLS???

Latest news

Ima Short• February 11, 2025D

Any Sort Of Bowl, Super Or Otherwise, Fails To Make Appearance For 59th Year Running

Bowl fans nationwide were confused and frightened to discover that once again no bowl was ...
Culture
Ima Short• D

Any Sort Of Bowl, Super Or Otherwise, Fails To Make Appearance For 59th Year Running

Bowl fans nationwide were confused and frightened to discover that once again no bowl was ...
Culture

Musk To Shut Down USAID, “I Don’t Think Anyone Should Have AIDS”

The fate of the unfortunately named, United States Agency for International Development (USAID) remains in the balance however quadillionaire Elon Musk has come out in opposition to the department Tweeting, “I don’t think anyone should have AIDS.”

“Call me old fashioned,” the SpaceX CEO continued, “but I think AIDS is bad and I don’t think there should be a whole government department devoted to giving it to people. I think they should give people money instead.”

Confusing the answer to whether Musk even has the power to do this, Trump seemed a bit more teachy-peechy (that’s a phrase right?). “We’re getting them out and then we’ll make a decision.”

Whereas Musk said, “We’re shutting it down.”

But Trump said, “We’ll see.”

But then Musk said, “No, it’s done.”

“Maybe.”

“…not.”

“OK, back in your box ELan.”

“No, I don’t want want to go back in the box.”

“Back in your box.”

“Naaaahhhoooo!!”

Elon Musk and his embarrassingly named DOGE have been on a mission to cut government spending. With an office in DC and 20-something employees of 20-somethings, Musk has been on the offensive left right, and center doing things that everyone’s really not sure is legal…

Ironically USAID actually provides money to various HIV/AIDS prevention organizations so getting rid of AIDS might actually bring about more AIDS. …AIDS.

USAID staff have been sent home and some employees have been locked out of their emails which explains why Janice isn’t responding to me even though I sent her like a dozen emails and even texted her to say she should make sure to check her junk mail.

The USAID could not be reached for comment. You know, probably because of what I just said…

Also, their website is down. 

Two directors at the agency were put on administrative leave after refusing DOGE access to sensitive payment information. Look, I’m not a legal political expert by any stretch of anything but idk if a private citizen should have access to government documents. Like, what’s even going on here? I guess they’re like it’s fine, we don’t need to jump through the bureaucratic hoops because that’s what slows things down we’re cool and techy, move fast break things, we’re outsiders and we’re cool, but aren’t those rules there for a reason? Like, maybe Musk and gang should be properly vetted and stuff? Or voted in? Or something? I don’t know, if an expert in this can weigh in in the comment section that would be great thanks.

Anyway, what was I talking about? AIDS?

I tell you what would AID me, is a break from all this! Jebus-Louibus, man I can’t keep up with it anymore! All the news! There’s too much news I tell ya!

Latest news

Ima Short• February 6, 2025D

Musk To Shut Down USAID, “I Don’t Think Anyone Should Have AIDS”

The fate of the unfortunately named USAID remains in the balance however quadillionaire El...
Elon
Ima Short• D

Musk To Shut Down USAID, “I Don’t Think Anyone Should Have AIDS”

The fate of the unfortunately named USAID remains in the balance however quadillionaire El...
Elon

Grammys To Implement Strict Dress Code Following Hypothermia Outbreak

Following four hypothermia-related fatalities at this year’s Grammys, the Recording Academy has announced that they will be implementing a strict dress code for next year’s award ceremony.

“We are devoted to the promotion and appreciation of music in all its forms,” said the organization in a statement. “And whilst expressive fashion always has been a vital part of the music industry, we will no longer tolerate costumes that make a mockery of our art form, specifically weird foam-house-hat-things. I’m sorry, Jaden Smith, you just took it too far and have ruined it for everyone.”

Kanye West and his ironically-named wife Bianca Censori successfully made headlines after she took to the red carpet in a near-invisible dress. Whilst many thought that it was this outfit and the following deaths that sparked the Grammys’ new dress code, the academy made no mention of Censori’s outfit and is apparently only upset by Jaden Smith’s house hat.

According to the new dress code, all attendees, including performers, presenters, and guests, must adhere to the following guidelines:

  • All clothing must cover a majority of the body, and may not be shaped like a house in any way.
  • No sheer, transparent or house-like fabrics are allowed.
  • All outfits must be free of any offensive or controversial imagery, such as houses.
  • No costumes, props or hat houses are permitted.
  • Jaden Smith is permanently banned from the ceremony.

“I don’t know why I can’t wear my house,” said Smith in response. “It’s not my fault I’m agoraphobic.”

The Recording Academy has stated that these guidelines are necessary to maintain the dignity and prestige of the 100% prestigious and entirely dignified Grammeter Awards. They also hope that the new dress code will help to focus attention on the music and performances rather than on the attendees’ stupid attire.

However, the new dress code has been met with mixed reactions from the music industry. Some artists have praised the Recording Academy for taking a stand against inappropriate house attire, while others have criticized the move as being too restrictive and out of touch with the creative spirit of the music industry.

“What’s next they going to ban house music? Where does it end?” commented famed music producer Mr. … oh, no, wait, that was just some guy, never mind.

Oh, and also, Beyoncé won a Grammy so good for her, I guess.

Latest news

Ima Short• February 3, 2025D

Grammys To Implement Strict Dress Code Following Hypothermia Outbreak

Following four hypothermia-related fatalities, the Grammys has announced that they will be...
Culture
Ima Short• D

Grammys To Implement Strict Dress Code Following Hypothermia Outbreak

Following four hypothermia-related fatalities, the Grammys has announced that they will be...
Culture

Trump Media Accidentally Invests $250m In Crypto, Meant To Say ‘Cryo’ Instead

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