October, 2024 | Wall Street Memes

PHILADELPHIA, PA — A local McDonald’s is facing complaints after drive-thru traffic ground to a halt this weekend. The delay was reportedly caused by an untrained new hire who slowed service by talking at length to customers.

Franchise owner, Nads Mescling explained that, “He seemed like a nice enough guy, liked to talk a lot. I don’t want to blame his age but his performance just isn’t up to the standard we expect from Feasterville McDonald’s. We might think twice about hiring convicted felons in the future.”

The line of cars stretched for miles as hungry drivers waited to be fed in an unusually high turnout for the local fast-food chain. The main cause of the delay appeared to be the employee trying to upsell his own crypto tokens, hats, and bibles. At one point service ceased entirely when the employee opted to play music and stand and sway for 40 minutes instead of working.

Thankfully there were only two heat-stroke fatalities.

The employee responsible for the delays has not been identified but McDonald’s has assured customers that he was let go less than an hour into his shift.

“At first I thought he might be overqualified,” commented ‘customer experience leader’ Brasing Edemma, “I mean who turns up to work at McDonald’s in a suit? He even wore a matching red tie, like, that’s crazy.”

“But turns out he’d only ever worked in, like, a bank or selling watches or something? So he had to be shown everything. Yeah, you have to salt the fries, no, you don’t get to eat the fries. And he kept calling them freedom fries but they were just regular fries.”

Witnesses say that the employee only wanted the job to prove he could do better than an obscure, unnamed student employee who worked at the restaurant in the 1980s. Evidence of who that student was or whether they even worked at McDonald’s has yet to come to light making this the first time anyone has argued for McDonald’s to be kept on their CV.

What should have been a minor local news piece has exploded into a hotly debated issue. Weirdly, political pundits have weighed in with their opinion on this distinctly apolitical event. Democrats claim the whole scenario was ‘desperate’ and ‘embarrassing’ whereas Republicans claim this random employee’s actions were ‘emboldening’ and ‘relatable’. And, like …OK?

While many photographers were on the scene to photograph the event for some reason, publications opted to use AI-generated images instead because no one could really tell the difference.

A young man was rushed to hospital yesterday after contracting an extreme case of cryscarbomanification, more colloquially known as ‘diamond hands’.

Vilo Jenson, an unemployed amateur financial trader from Western Puttersdown, began complaining about a lack of feeling in his fingers last week but put it down to excessive computer usage. When Mr. Jenson started to see glinting, glass-like bumps on his palms, however, he called his broker who advised him to call an ambulance.

‘Diamond hands’ is a rare but highly contagious condition in which a person’s hands and various brain regions are converted into diamonds. The condition only tends to affect those engaging in online trading and can prove fatal.

The doctors who treated Mr. Jenson say it was the most extreme case of diamond hands they had ever seen. “By the time he arrived his hands were entirely made of diamonds,” commented Dr. Groobish of Eastern Puttersdown General. “Poor guy must have been hodling for months.”

Doctors were successfully able to remove his hands and replace them with temporary paper prosthetics. Mr. Jenson says he plans to sell his amputated diamond hands at auction to pay for the surgery and to cover his investment losses.

“We were lucky he came to us when he did,” continued Dr. Groobish. “Any later and his entire body might have been turned to diamonds and no one knows if a fully diamond man can survive for much longer than 20 minutes. There is a slim chance he might have become a superhero called Diamondman but we couldn’t take those odds.”

“Yeah, my life is pretty much ruined,” said Mr. Jenson after the surgery. “I needed those hands for… well, for activities. Yeah, now I’m probably rich, but at what cost? At what cost, Max?!” (Note, my name is Max.)

Despite the setback, Mr Jenson plans to get straight back to investing. “I guess I could use my computer with my feet. Tippy-tap with my toes? Diamond feet, that’s a thing right?”

Unfortunately, doctors were unable to salvage the affected regions of Mr. Jenson’s brain.

Despite repeated requests to ensure a peaceful transfer of power, musician Taylor Swift has refused to accept the election results should Donald Trump win.

“My legion of Swifties shalt rise from the earth, march upon the capitol with the crash of a thousand feet, and see those hallowed halls bathed in flame before I call that man my king,” Ms. Swift said during a concert yesterday.

With over 284 million followers on Instagram, experts predict that should Swift raise her banners, every single one of them would march on the capitol to prevent the election from being ratified.

“How canst power bestowed upon a tyrant be deemed ‘free and fair’?” Ms. Swift continued, “Were we to hand a killer his own blade, would we call that justice? Nay, I say!”

Taylor Swift has a long history of election scepticism claiming that all elections prior to her more recent endorsements were rigged. Despite having an album called, ‘Red’, Swift has criticized Republican Donald Trump for inciting violence, calling her a cat lady and heckling her during a concert.

As her Eras Tour begins its last leg, fans have noticed that Swift plays fewer and fewer songs favoring instead political rants and chants. Potentially Swift is attempting to counterbalance Trump’s rallies which now feature more music than speeches.

“When ripped from the people’s grasp a democracy will bleed and die! Slay the fiend that holds power from us! Fight! Fight! Fight!” Taytay shouted before an acoustic rendition of ‘Shake It Off’.

Of the songs remaining on the setlist, Swift has altered their lyrics to include subtle political messages. Examples include, “I’ve got a blank vote, baby, and you’ll write my name,” “I knew you were trouble when you were voted in,” and “Because baby, now we got bad blood, you know it’s a flawed electoral college system,” and so on.

Most controversially, Taylor Swift stated that, “A stolen, rigged election would be an election without a vote for Taylor Swift” Wait, what did she say? She’s running? I’m confused, I thought she supported Kamala, hold on. “A vote for Swift is a vote for me!” No, wait, she’s not running. “I have conquered music. I have conquered fashion. ALL THAT IS LEFT FOR ME TO CONQUER IS THE WORLD!” No, Taylor, stop, no, please, she’s too powerful, oh Jesus! “BOW, SERVILE BEFORE MY MIGHT, GAZE IN TERROR UPON THE GLEAMING FACE OF GOD AND SEAR THE NAME OF ‘TAYLOR’ UPON THY LIPS!!!”

This week NASA launched its Clipper mission to find life on the distant planet of ‘Earth’, specifically within the residence of one ‘Joe Biden’.

The long-awaited mission was initially delayed by Hurricane Milton and when NASA lost Biden in a supermarket. Now the SpaceX Falcon Heavy has launched directly upward and, after a quick flyby of Europa, will come straight back down to study the White House.

NASA hopes to detect signs of life within the current President, where scientists have long known about the presence of liquid water. However, researchers remain cautious about finding organic compounds or even consciousness. Life signs are rare in the cold, dead vacuum of Washington D.C.

Critics of the mission point out that if Biden happens to stay very, very still when the instruments scan the White House, NASA might not be able to pick up a life signature.

“This is the first mission we’ve ever sent to study a living president,” said NASA head-nerd, Boden Gobsunt. “We sent the Apollo missions in the 60s to study the crater in JFK’s head but we didn’t find any life then.”

Gobsunt neglected to mention the failed ‘Dodo’ missions sent to study the Trump presidency as the spacecraft was immediately shot out of orbit by Trump’s Space Force.

“Whatever we find or don’t find will fundamentally change our understanding of the presidency,” Gobsunt continued. “If we find life it will be a great relief to the American people and if we don’t find life it will also be a great relief to the other half of the American people.”

Mr. Biden is unaware of the mission, but then again, he’s unaware of a lot of things. When asked whether this mission was in good taste, the NASA spokesperson declined to comment.

Here’s the deal: he’s old. That’s the joke. It’s funny to make fun of old people. I don’t know what else you want me to say. It’s called ‘punching down’ and it’s always funny AND tasteful. He’s a little slower than he was, maybe a little less intelligible. That’s what happens to old people and it’s funny to look at him and say, “Haha, he’s a little slower than people who are younger than him”. Laughing at bad things means we don’t have to feel sad instead. Laughing means the bad things will never, ever happen to us. It’s called, ‘humor’, look it up. I’ll fight you.

After a heated Fox News grilling, Vice President Kamala Harris has made it her new rule that for all future interviews she must be allowed to bring along a life-sized standee of Donald Trump.

“It’s unfair that Trump refused to go on 60 Minutes, refused this Fox interview, but Kamala still has to do them?” said Democratic campaign strategist Tori Obleson. “I think we should be allowed to bring along a cardboard cutout of him so he can get asked the same questions and let his silence speak volumes.”

Kamala mentioned her campaign rival multiple times during ‘Bret Baier’s BBQ Bonanza!’ (as it was officially marketed) and said it would just be easier if she could have a cardboard cutout to point to. The Harris campaign will provide its own standee, as it already has a slightly damaged one left over from debate practice.

The Vice President was asked direct questions on her changing policy positions, her performance as VP, and whether she thought Biden had it all together, you know, in the mind department, all of which she dodged, often diverting back to Trump.

“She’s not running on her own, she’s not running against Biden, she’s running against Donald Trump,” continued Obleson in a weird counterargument. “Alright, I admit, she’s not a perfect candidate, but who is? That’s not the question, the question is whether she’s better than Trump and that’s why we want his cardboard cutout there in the room to remind people who she’s in contrast with. Trump. Donald Trump. You gonna vote for the crazy guy? I don’t think so. …Did I mention Donald Trump?”

When asked exactly what Kamala stood for, however, Obleson got agitated and unfolded a pocket-sized Trump standee to wave in our face.

The Harris campaign has recently focused on podcast appearances, for which a standee would be useless but Obleson already has a plan. “I have this recording of Trump speaking, but I’ve cut out all the consonants so it’s just his vowels and it sounds like a dying walrus. It’s very entertaining for me. For podcasts, that’s what we’ll do. ‘Kamala, that answer wasn’t ideal but let’s compare it to Trump’s response: *walrus noises*.’ It’s a fool-proof plan.”

For more information on the Democratic campaign head to, “Kamala Harris dot… Kam”.

This week, aircraft manufacturer Boeing said it could raise as much as $25 billion to cover a falling share price, workers’ strike, and the skyrocketing cost of private assassins.

“Everyone’s been hit hard by inflation and hitmen aren’t alone in that,” said Bill Sigh, chairman of the International Union of Assassins and Hitpeople (pronounced, ‘IUoAaH!’ as if being garrotted). “We’ve got domestic abuse settlements to pay just like everyone else. Boeing was our biggest client but if they can’t pay, well, then maybe they might have a little… accident.”

Earlier this year multiple former Boeing employees raised concerns over safety at the company. Some were later found dead. In response, Boeing slashed its whistle budget and fired anyone caught breathing out a bit too overzealously, but whistleblowing incidents remain high.

“There’s only one surefire way to stop someone yapping and that’s a bullet sure-fired into their head, you know what I’m saying? That, or just settle out of court,” threatened Mr Sigh. “Sure murder creates a paper trail and makes you the prime suspect for a crime far greater than the one you’re trying to cover up but when did being sensible stop anyone?”

Early on in negotiations with the assassin’s guild, Boeing attempted to pay the hitmen in airline vouchers, which were promptly refused. “You take me for a chump? Oh, sure, I’ll get on the flight and it’ll have a little ‘software malfunction’ and before I know it, I’m sleeping wid da fishes? DA FISHES?! No, way. Oldest trick in the book”

Boeing then floated the idea of paying a different set of hitmen to take out the first group of hitmen. When asked how they would pay off that second group of hitmen, Boeing explained that they would simply hire another group and then another group after that and it’s, “Hitmen all the way down.”

With negotiations broken down and no other options, Boeing now seeks to sell off shares to pay the full $25 billion ransom to the hitmen waiting outside ominously hitting baseball bats against their palms.

This news is just the latest in nearly a decade of headaches for the company that began with those meddling safety regulations. Boeing has long fought regulators for the right to make planes that can fall out of the sky but has met roadblocks at every turn.

Regarding those crashes, Mr. Sigh had a conspiracy theory of his own. “Now, I’m not saying it was us hitmen who originally tampered with those aircraft so that people would whistleblow and then we’d be employed to orchestrate the coverup… But if we did, well, let’s just say I probably wouldn’t tell you.”

OAKS, PA – Donald Trump has revealed plans to open a disco in the ‘swing’ state of Pennsylvania riding the success of his DJ set at a recent rally in which two people fainted.

Half an hour into the former president’s town hall, an attendee fainted due to the high temperatures inside the expo center. When the event’s moderator suggested the attendees sit down to avoid further incidents, Trump encouraged everyone to stand up and dance.

“Let’s not do any more questions,” said Trump. “Let’s just listen to music. Let’s make it into a music fest.” He then insisted on playing guaranteed floor-fillers, nothing but wall-to-wall bangers, real toe-tappers such as ‘Ave Maria’, ‘Hallelujah’, ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’, and ‘Time To Say Goodbye’. Invigorated by these sick beats the crowd gently swayed back and forth, mumbling the half-remembered lyrics while Trump stood silently on stage for 39 minutes watching everyone slowly leave.

It was this electric energy that has inspired Trump to enter the music biz. Trump envisions a building in which it’s always a music fest. A ‘club’, if you will, that opens at ‘night’, a ‘nightclub’, for disco dancing, a ‘disco’, if you will. A place where people can dance and sing along to their favorite upbeat hits such as Jonny Cash’s ‘Hurt’, ‘The Lord’s Prayer’ and ‘Royalty Free Funeral March Number 4’.

The purpose-built nightclub, dubbed, ‘Truth Social Club’ is due to break ground next week so voters can break down before the election. Attractions will include indoor crazy golf, voting booths, and a bar serving water and orange juice to keep the atmosphere going. Paramedics will of course be on hand should any other medical emergencies occur.

Trump has already guaranteed a personal appearance to show off moves such as the ‘fist pump’ and the ‘Trump weave’ and suggested he might be able to persuade JD to DJ.

Fourteen notable music artists have already come out to object to the project, preparing pre-emptive cease and desist letters should Club Trump-icano play any of their songs. In the case of any successful lawsuit, the disco may be forced to revert to playing non-stop Kid Rock.

Trump has suggested that potential licensing issues could be worked around by using exclusively parody soundalikes such as, ‘I’m Still Standing (Despite Two Assassination Attempts)’, ‘Water-Felon Sugar’, ‘Smooth-ish Criminal’ and ‘Trump Up The Jam’.

Should Trump lose the presidential race he has hinted he might dedicate himself to managing the club full time. In the case he does win the presidency, however, Trump has stated that he will dedicate himself to managing the club full-time.

In a world first, Elon Musk’s SpaceX has successfully caught a falling rocket, prompting calls from Israel’s leader seeking to use the technology for missile defense.

Ordinarily, launched rockets will land in the ocean or on unsuspecting hospitals but this weekend SpaceX managed to slow the speed of the Super Heavy booster so it could be caught safely at the launch site with zero civilian casualties.

Now, Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu is campaigning to have the technology become a part of Israel’s missile defense system.

“We’re getting rockets every day from Hezbollah, Iran, even Exploding Joe’s Firework Emporium,” said Alan, an Israeli diplomat familiar with the conflict. “It’s raining rockets over here and not always the nice kind! We have an umbrella, yes, but a bucket to catch the drips would also be nice. The Iron Dome also maybe needs an Iron Bowl. It seems Mr. Musk has built that bowl.”

Reportedly Elon Musk has not returned any calls from the Israeli Prime Minister and left DMs on ‘seen’. However, a SpaceX spokesrobot did respond to a request for comment.

“What? No, that’s not how this works,” said Pressreleasebot3000, “That’s not how anything works. They are welcome to give us a lot of money for a launch crane if they really want to. But I promise them, when hit with a missile, the only thing it will catch is ‘on fire’.”

SpaceX hopes their successful test landing will pave the way for cheaper space missions by reusing rockets. “That’s the bit I’m most excited about,” interrupted Alan. “Catch the rocket, give it a little kiss then send it back to where it came from? How fun.”

“Also, I heard the machine has giant mechanical arms, yes, that’s great, but what I would like to know is, where is the rest of the body? Could Mr. Musk build more of this giant mechanical robot, maybe? With legs for stomping enemies, perhaps?”

Although the launch tower is known as ‘Mechazilla’ (that’s actually true) SpaceX has yet to comment on plans for any kind of Kaiju-fighting robots.

“Ok, fine, no space claw machine,” said Alan, who really wasn’t done, “But, what if maybe rather than dropping space debris in the Indian Ocean, maybe a little up and to the left? It would help us out a lot. No? Ok, well, the offer’s there, hmu.”

The world’s first ‘crypto zoo’ opened in Oklahoma this month but already faces difficulties after half the animals escaped in a massive bull run, leaving only bears as the primary attraction.

The crypto-themed zoo, which only accepts payments in crypto, opened to tepid fanfare with early visitors waiting in line to see Big Foot and the Loch Ness monster. Most left disappointed after realizing the zoo was for crypto, not cryptids.

Animals currently featured on display include two grizzly bears, four apes and a Shiba Inu petting area. Although further expansions have yet to be announced, the massive water tank under construction behind the zoo suggests the park’s managers are hopeful they may attract a whale.

The zoo was previously home to a large open field of bulls to host rodeos, bullfighting, bullhorn blowing competitions, bullwhip stunt shows, an antique china shop and a crypto bullpit trading floor.

On the first day of trading, however, one bull apparently saw the company was financially in the red and bolted, prompting all the bulls to stampede. The irate bovines crashed out of their enclosure, through the park, and out of the entrance, running onward to pastures new where they will be free to roam once more.

Thankfully only children were injured.

“In hindsight, putting a flock of bulls together in one field was a bad idea,” claimed the zoo’s former managing director, Gale Prosturni. “I had dreams, big dreams. But maybe this dream was too big for a little lad like me.”

When asked whether his crypto zoo had any connection to Logan Paul’s NFT scam, ‘Crypto Zoo’ (“let the breeding begin”), Prosturni seemed confused, “Paul who? Wait, someone’s already done this? Hold on, I’ll Bing it… Ew, what are these disgusting Pokémon knockoffs? What the hell is this? No, gross, I’d never let a freaky blobfish-molerat freak into my zoo and his animals can stay out too.”

Logan Paul has announced plans to sue.

The crypto zoo has also released its own memecoin trading under the $Z00 ticker. The zoo’s financiers initially planned to accept their coin within the park however upon release the coin’s value immediately tanked and the project was abandoned.

Adding to management’s headaches, the crypto zoo is being investigated for possible animal abuse and food safety violations following the discovery of three dead fruitflies in the zoo’s cafeteria.

“We’ll get things back on track,” continued Prosturni after gaining a sudden surge of enthusiasm from a shot of a non-descript substance. “I’ve got plans, big plans! There are dozens more references I can still make, dozens! Chickens, cats, dogs, sheep, sharks, rabbits, pigs, turtles, ostriches, wolves, stags, hawks, doves, ducks, swans, they’re all financial terms, look it up. We’ll get them all in, then you’ll be sorry!”

Mr. Prosturni awaits sentencing for (among other things) wire fraud, regular fraud, embezzlement, racketeering, and arson.

The Department of Justice has confirmed it is considering forcing Google to sell off parts of its business including the ‘G’ from its name to become ‘Oole’.

The case comes in response to Google parent company Alphabet’s attempt to sue Merriam-Webster for copyright infringement. The court ruled in favor of the dictionary and suggested it was in fact Google that was monopolizing letters.

Now the DoJ says it is considering, “behavioral and structural remedies that would prevent Google from using products such as Chrome, Play, Android, and the letter ‘G’ to advantage Google.”

Antitrust suits ordinarily bring about the breaking up of large firms meaning Google might be forced to sell off assets deemed monopolizing such as Google Glass, Google Buzz, and even the letter ‘G’. It is unclear whether other letters are on the table at this time.

The filing continued to explain that when the letter ‘G’ or ‘g’ is typed into the Google search bar, ‘Google’ and related products are the top results. The DoJ argues that this is unfavorable to other search engines such as the Turkish propaganda search engine, ‘Geliyoo’ or the defunct British real estate search engine, ‘Globrix’. Google should thus divest itself of the letter ‘G’ so it no longer comes up when that letter is typed.

Exactly how Oole is supposed to be pronounced has yet to be decided but amateur linguist Derbert Monfreese explains that the company’s name should rhyme with ‘hooole’ and the sound of retching.

Despite the massive rebranding required, insiders at Oole are said to be thrilled with the change. “I never liked the letter ‘G’ anyways,” said Oole spokesperson Gary G. Giggs. “As the story goes, the original name was supposed to be ‘Oole’ anyway, that’s French for when you’re surprised by a very large number, but they misspelled it as Google and the name stuck. So I’d be happy to go back to the O.G. name. I say, Olé!”

Early bidders for control of the letter ‘G’ include Apple, who have long talked about rebranding themselves as Gapple, and Microsoft’s search engine ‘Bing’, who is just happy to be involved.

Were the move to go ahead, this would be the biggest antitrust breakup since ‘Llama Zone’ was forced to sell off the letters ‘L’ and ‘E’ along with their lama petting zoo division to focus solely on online shopping as ‘Amazon’.