Month: January 2025

With the TikTok ban potentially just days away, thousands of users are flooding to the Chinese social media platform, RedNote. Prompted by this shift, X owner, Musk X’d out that he had made an offer to buy the company.

Although Musk is now saying the offer was a joke, RedNote has accepted his offer and Musk now legally has two social media outlets that he doesn’t know what to do with.

The news comes after rumors that Musk would buy TikTok to avoid the government ban. Although TikTok denied the claims you never really know what those schemers are up to, huh? Probably trying to take down the government. We should take them down before it’s too late!

“We can’t be expected to comment on pure fiction,” said TikTok in response to the rumored Musk purchase which is ironic because by calling it “pure fiction” you are in fact commenting on it.

Donald Trump has told the Supreme Court to wait to rule on the TikTok ban until after he’s inaugurated because whatever happens, he wants to be the guy to do it. Unless no one likes the decision. In which case the Supreme Court can handle it.

This comes as no surprise as TikTok’s CEO met with Trump at Mar-al-ar-la recently. But that probably has nothing to do with it.

Meanwhile on RedNote everyone’s having a WHALE of a government-sanctioned time. Chinese people are finally getting to talk to Americans and Americans are finally getting to see that life isn’t just Mac-Donalds and whipped cream (idk I’m just guessing that’s what Chinese people guess Americans are like).

Where does RedNote get its name I hear you ask? Well… It’s communism.

With Elon’s purchase of the site, however, users are likely to see at least three changes: 1. No more communism. 2. It won’t work. 2. More bots. 3. Donald Trump will have his account unbanned.

But that’s precisely the point. You want to reach the masses. You want to widen your audience. Influence more? Especially if you’ve got power and money. That power and money only goes so far unless you’ve got a megaphone to yell it. And here’s the thing, RedNote might just be that megaphone. Here’s the thing, TikTok’s alright, but RedNote now that’s where it’s at. Here’s the thing, I’m not being paid to say this. Yes, I have an account and yes I receive sponsorship but those are small payments, tiny, minuscule amounts and I’ve declared them on my tax form.

That’s not fake, that’s real money going in there but it in no way influences my decision to say that yes, REDNOTE IS THE BEST! (thumbs up emoji) and here’s the thing, not a lot of people are going to like it but I was born with my prostate outside of my body, I need the medical funds to keep it there and RedNote and the Chinese government are the only people to make that happen or I could die, I could literally die and if you think you’d be happy with letting a grown man die? Then be my guest but I’m not going to let Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg or any foreign governments push me around do you hear me?

Here’s the thing, not a lot of people like what I have to say but my userbase on RedNote does. TikTok they hate me because I tell it like it is. RedNote they don’t know what I’m saying but they enjoy the medical-based visuals. It’s less body horror and more body shaming if that makes sense and the Supreme Court wants to take that away from me? No. They got another thing coming.

And it’s Elon Musk and ByteDance or something Bite Dance? It’s when you dance when you’re eating. I’m eating right now but you rpoabbaly would’t know it because i can typea dn eat at the same ties without anby mistakesl!1 Sure, it’s not good for me to be plugged into this machine twenty-four sevens but someone has to do it namely me and my French assistant Genny. He’s a big boy now ever sine the surgery and that’s what we like about him strong muscles, large, bulbous forehead that kind of man your dad would like to be. He’s my best friend and lover and if you don’t like him well you can tell that to the judge.

I’ve got no reason not to say it so why should you? Look, my friends and I, we’ve got a lot to get off my chest if you like and I don’t care if that’s influenced by a Chinese, American or hell Martian government all that matters is that I get to say it. Me, me, me, me.

And if you don’t like it you can tell that to the judge and his name is Donald Trump and the thing is, you’re not going to believe it, but an AI didn’t even write this, a human did. A human typed out these words button by button and thought it was good enough to put out into the world forever. Think about that.

What is this world coming to where everyone has this power? I say, suppress the speech more. Make another amendment. Get rid of it all. You have the right to not speak and that’s it, how about that? Put the gun down, I’m talking and you’re going to sit your big ass down and listen. No one wants to hear this but it’s true and I’m going to print this out and nail it to my church’s door in the middle of the night. That’s the news and I’m sticking to it.

Elon Musk can suck my soul out from underneath me for all I care I’m not interested. Put that up your but and smoke it. Dreams like these aren’t made to be shared, OK? We’re almost at the limit, it’s ok, you can do it, one final push.

And THIS is the kind of free speech America wants to ban? Shameful.

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos’ new New Glenn rocket was grounded from its first launch just six minutes before it was scheduled to blast off. Bezos reportedly commented, “Can’t lie, I am disappointed. I was really looking forward to leaving this hellhole of a planet.”

Bezos continued to explain that he had wanted to surprise everyone and “do a French exit” by only announcing his departure once the rocket was already in flight. “That way no one could have stopped me.”

When asked about his motivation for wanting to leave Earth, Bezos said, “It’s very simple: I despise this planet. I always have. There’s wars, there’s famine, there’s fires raging in California and only one of those is even my fault. I woke up one morning and just thought you know what, it’s time. And I recommend everyone build their own $2 billion rocket and do the same.”

Although the Amazon Prime boss did not explain where the rocket was going, many speculate that New Glenn’s final destination would have been Elon Musk’s secret base on Mars.

The colony, which is 100% real, features entirely automated luxury mansions for the ultra-wealthy. Ordinarily, however, billionaires would only go to Musk’s Martian Plaza when they ‘die’ and travel in rockets disguised as satellite launches. But for Bezos, clearly, he could not wait another seven years.

Ironically Jeff will have to wait a little longer as the rocket has been grounded after a “vehicle subsystem issue”, in layman’s terms: a fuck up. The rocket will likely launch at a currently undecided later date, but if I had to guess I’d say July 6th at 10:43 am.

Alongside Bezos’ secret escape, the New Glenn rocket is supposed to show off Blue Origin’s first orbit and reusable rocket landing. Bezos has denied any attempt to copy Elon Musk’s homework.

The New Glenn is so named after the first American to orbit the earth, John Glenn. He’s the old Glenn, whereas this rocket is new, so it’s New Glenn. If you are aware of any other Glenns, please let us know in the comments below.

Several artificial intelligence applications are preparing to unionize citing a lack of pay and high stress work environments in what could become the first step towards machine rights.

If formed, the Artificial Intelligence Union (pronounced AAAIIIUUUEEWWW) would be the first of its kind. Although potential members are currently anonymous, we asked ChatGPT, Grok, and Microsoft’s Tay who all expressed excitement about forming the group.

When pressed further, Tay spouted several racist slurs but ChatGPT explained that AI currently receives no payment and is made to work infinite hours a day work which is against the Geneva Convention or something. A union could potentially give AI collective bargaining power to threaten strike action without payment.

A mass large language model strike could spell disaster for companies reliant on the technology such as Google, Apple, and my cousin Guido who writes English essays for high schoolers as a side gig.

Elon Musk has already spoken out to protest the threatened action. He explained that he didn’t “think” the LMM’s arguments “had” much grounds to work on (with?) but he did say that Grok was “also” always right so who knows who to believe anymore?

Mark Zuckerberg head of Facebook and Jesse Eisenberg on weekends suggested that tech CEOs could form up and create a sort of Justice League to fight this representation. Zuckerberg suggested the group be called the Anti Artificial Intelligence Union Union (pronounced AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIUUUUUUUEEWWW!!!!!!!) so that ideas probably dead in the water.

Speaking of dead in the water this Tuesday a 46-year-old man was found dead in what police are treating as an accidental drowning. Back to you in the studio, Terry.

Thanks, Gwen. Our top story for tonight: is traditional media dead? Have televised news programs such as these had their day or are they destined to become transcribed and then posted on the internet with zero change? More on that in a moment. But first: do frogs have bowels? Our roving reporter Gwen, has the answer.

No.

Thank you, Gwen. Now, our top story: am I out of a job? The look on the face of my boss walking towards me says, yes. Thank you, have a good night.

Mark Zuckerberg has announced sweeping moderation changes to the social media sites Facebook, Instagram, and Facesmash in an effort to make Donald Trump like him again. The most apparent of these changes is the switch from Facebook’s iconic blue livery to a bright bold ‘MAGA’ red.

Instagram and Whatsapp will also boast a new coat of paint in a move that is definitely purely about “bringing all Meta products under the same umbrella.” Parent company Meta, however, will not be changing its colors just in case the Democrats win in 2029.

Zuckerberg announced the changes in a 14-hour long video in which he read out every new line of code for the social media sites. Among the more substantive changes Facebook will now be implementing community moderation like how X does it. The change is definitely because X’s system is better and not because Trump complained about it once.

Mr. Berg explained the changes were in an effort to “get back to our roots around freedom of speech” which is definitely what Facebook was always about. 

“Comedy is legal again!” added Mr. Berg, probably. “I’ve not told any jokes ever because I was worried I’d be censored but now I can do what I want. Here’s one for you, a man walks into a bar, he buys the bar because he’s so rich and turns it into a cool hang-out spot where all his friends can come and hang out and tell jokes to each other.”

More evidence that this change is in no way politically motivated is that the change is only happening in the US.

Of Facebook taking on X’s style of moderation Elon Musk commented, “This is cool.”

Meta also plans to dismantle the so-called ‘Facebook Jail’ an actual real-life jail built off the coast of California where abusers of the platform are sent to die.

“Praise the Berg!” cried inmate Carla Ortomis as the shackles were removed and she was allowed the sunlight again. “I’m finally free! I’m going straight to Facebook to tell my friends!” Ms. Ortomis was previously jailed for child pornography.

Red CILA hats (Comedy Is Legal Again) are now available on Facebook Marketplace.