August, 2025 | Wall Street Memes

Donald “The President” Trump has reportedly hidden the official portraits of previous presidents, Barack Obama, George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush in an obscure staircase in the White House and replaced them with mirrors.

“The President thought the portraits were misleading,” explained Corniss Portiss, chairman of the official White House picture hanging committee. “He feared that guests, visitors and visitants alike would misunderstand that these were the current presidents.”

“Mr. Trump then suggested they replace all the portraits with pictures of himself. After it was explained to him that we were unable to hang the same picture multiple times, he pointed to one wall and said, ‘What about that picture of me? That’s different.’ Even though we told him that that was a mirror, he insisted that it was perfect.”

Reportedly, staff were then instructed to hang mirrors instead of the previous presidents’ portraits. It is unclear if the mirrors have any connection to the cursed mirror Joe Biden left in the White House attic for Trump to find.

“Now every wall has a mirror on it, and Mr. Trump is very happy that he can see himself in every frame.”

The moved portraits now reside at the top of the Grand Staircase leading to the White House residence, an area only used by a few staff and Obama when he wants to visit his portrait.

The location of Biden’s portrait was not given, but some suggest it currently hangs on the ceiling above Trump’s bed.

This change is just one of many Trumpifications that have been conducted at the house. Most include gilding everything, paving over rose gardens, or just generally making it all a bit more, how do I put this politely… ‘Trump’.

For more decorating tips, click here: Trump Slashes Social Security to Fund Diamond Hands Statue

Microchip manufacturers Nvidia and AMD have agreed to give 15% of Chinese chip sales to the US government in a move that isn’t a tax or tariff but some secret third thing that definitely isn’t a bribe.

Previously, America banned the companies from selling powerful chips to China in an effort to curb their AI development (not that it really stopped them). Experts cited Nvidia’s H20 chip in particular as an accelerator of China’s AI capabilities and banned sales of the chip even though it was created specifically for the Chinese market.

But APPARENTLY, all it took was a cool 15% to make the government look the other way about those security concerns and allow H20 chip sales again. What are we doing here?

Nvidia stonks — Live footage from inside Nvidia HQ

AMD made the same deal for its MI308 chip. Good for them.

The move follows Nvidia CEO, Jensen Huang’s intense lobbying, including a meeting with Trump last week. FUCK! I got so far in this article without mentioning him. Damnit, I was doing so well!!

OK, Deborah Elms from the Hinrich Foundation (yeah, I don’t know either) put it really well, “You either have a national security problem or you don’t If you have a 15% payment, it doesn’t somehow eliminate the national security issue.” Oh, yeah, that’s well put. It seems that things are true until the kickback cheque cashes.

This cooling of trade tensions between China and America is part of a growing trade peace between the two superpowers. We got a 90-tariff-truce, a minerals agreement, and an agreement that Walt Disney would no longer produce any more Winnie the Pooh movies.

Whether this peace will last, only time and nuclear war will tell.

For more on this story, read this one: Nvidia To Launch Shitty Knockoff AI Chip Just For China, America To Receive More Powerful Freedom Eagle Chip

After the White House said South Park, “Hasn’t been relevant for over 20 years,” both Vice President JD Vance and ICE posted stills from the controversial show ’s latest episode on X, seemingly without a drop of self-awareness.

ICE added a link to apply for a job beside a picture of the cartoon ICE agents who, in the show, go on to raid heaven and arrest all the Hispanic angels.

JD Vance, in a similar display of tone-deafness, captioned a picture of himself South-Park-ised-into-the-henchman-Nick-Nack-from-The-Man-With-The-Golden-Gun-but-with-the-face-of-the-baby-JD-Vance-meme saying “Well, I finally made it.”

It’s unclear whether either ICE or Vance have seen the episode in which both are ruthlessly mocked and criticised, but it’s possible that they have and don’t care. Either way, playing along with the joke seems in far better spirits than just saying:

“The Left’s hypocrisy truly has no end – for years they have come after ‘South Park’ for what they labeled as ‘offense’ content, but suddenly they are praising the show. Just like the creators of ‘South Park,’ the Left has no authentic or original content, which is why their popularity continues to hit record lows.” …like what the White House did.

“President Trump has delivered on more promises in just six months than any other president in our country’s history – and no fourth-rate show can derail President Trump’s hot streak.”

Like, ew, that’s just cringe. Was there ever a possibility that a cartoon could derail the President? Because no one thinks that until you deny it’s possible. They said you had a small penis, bro, I get told that all the time by my wife but do you see me crying about it to major news organisations? Yes. But have they responded to my emails? No. So get over yourself.

It makes you look thin-skinned, is my point. Man up and play along like JD Vance or ICE… oh god, did I just compliment ICE?

South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone responded to the initial criticism from the White House by saying, “We’re terribly sorry.” And in response to the latest episode’s response, quote-X-ed the ICE X-post with, “Wait, so we ARE relevant? #eatabagofdicks.”

The episode also takes pop shots at Homeland Security Chief Head, Kristi Neomoe who is seen in a recurring gag taking pop shots at small dogs in probably the funniest joke in the episode. I didn’t need to mention that, I just thought it was funny.

Idk, guy, I enjoyed it and as a man with a small penis, that takes a lot of bravery to come out and say.

For more JD Vance news (because I know that’s the only reason you’re here), click on this: JD Vance Pleads Not Guilty To Pope Murder

OpenAI CEO Sam Altman just tweeted out a picture of the Death Star ominously looming over the horizon without any caption or explanation.

Could this mean he’s secretly building a Death Star? Well, what else could it mean?

Altman has long since implied that he would like to see the destruction of the Republic and have the US Military replaced by a standing army of ChatGPT-powered Clone Troopers. Unfortunately for Altman, the order of Jedi Knights has stood as protectors of peace throughout the galaxy and so building anything close to a Death Star would require some elaborate coup in which you feign a military crisis in order to build up a military strong enough to take on the jedi then fake your own assassination attempt by the jedi so you can accuse them of treason and wipe them out in one fell swoop. THEN you can build your Death Star.

Ex-Twitter users curious about the meaning of the post (which has over 2 million views) have all commented below Altman’s pic, “@grok WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?” great, super helpful, thanks Elon again for making this app completely unusable.

Could he be heralding a new version of ChatGPT that comes with a giant laser? DeathStarGPT?

Maybe he’s just hyped about his latest mega valuation?

Perhaps this is all a distraction away from what he’s REALLY building, which is a giant Voltron robot (click here for more on that).

Or, heck, maybe he just likes the picture.

Well, I guess we’ll find out soon enough, just hopefully not by being obliterated by a giant orbital death laser.

Altman's deathstarGPT will come for us all — “I wish I’d said ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to ChatGPT…”

For more news, read this one too: BREAKING NEWS: There Is No News

Today’s the day! It’s finally here! President Donald Trump confirmed on Truth Social that the extended extended extended deadline for trade deals to be made has expired and the tariffs are now in place which maybe explains why my jeggings are just showing as ‘out for delivery’ even though they should have arrived by 3-5pm yesterday.

Trump has also said that he may put a 100% tariff on computer chips made overseas but that doesn’t affect my jeggings because they don’t have chips in them that I know of.

Similarly, POTUS hit India with a 50% tariff unless they stopped buying Russian oil which means I guess these are sanctions not tariffs. Maybe that’s what they always were. My jeggings were made in India, it said so that might explain the delay. Are they made with Russian oil??!

Although Asian manufacturing hubs are perhaps the hardest hit by the tariffs, their stock markets don’t seem to have cared with some markets even up . If anything there is some relief in the air that hopefully things can settle down, the tariffs are in place and not a big-fat-constantly-changing maybe, now people can adjust.

Maybe I can get the jeggings from China instead? Hold on, I’ll look.

The EU, UK, Japan, South Korea and Texas are among the countries who cemented more favorable deals with the Trumpinator before the deadline but some locales are still looking to come to the table with Switerzerland eager to lower their rates set at 39%, one of the highest for any country. It’s fine though, they don’t make jeggings anyways.

Mexico too in the middle of negotiations and has a tariff pause which really makes you wonder, how dead is a deadline? And if it can be ignored, WHY WASN’T IT IGNORED TO LET MY JEGGINGS THROUGH?!

OK, just to be sure, I’ve ordered one set of jeggings from every country in the world. We’ll see which pair arrives first as a TEST of this new tariff system and I’ll get back to you.

UPDATE: None of the jeggings have arrived and I am now bankrupt. The global trade network is doomed, DOOMED I TELL YOU!!

For more calming voices as you sleep, click here: Trump Successfully Blackmailed The EU, Here’s How He Did It

OpenAI is looking to allow employees to sell shares for a record-breaking $500 billion valuation, according to what ChatGPT just told me.

This is a 66.7% increase from the previous $300 billion valuation, making it the most valuable startup in the world, says ChatGPT.

SpaceX is currently the most valuable start-up in the world at $350 billion, with ByteDance valued at $315 billion (can we even call these start-ups at this point? My cousin Denneth sells homemade pogs out of this garage, now THAT’S a start-up).

As ChatGPT explains, OpenAI plans a multi-billion-dollar secondary sale in which current and former employees would be able to cash out their stock options.

ChatGPT also explained that OpenAI is pretty cool and a great place to work and definitely worth $500 billion dollars worth of money if you’re in the market.

Half a trillion dollars seems like a wild amount of money, but let’s look at the facts. AI is huge business right now. We’re in the middle of an AI boom, in case you hadn’t noticed. Weekly ChatGPT users are now at 700 million, Meta is going all in on their AI department, and Google now has an AI mode so that Denneth’s Homemade Pogs Dot Com isn’t even listed anymore.

Heck, I think the king of the tech landscape as we see it, OpenAI SHOULD be given all the money. $500 billion? For holding up the entire economy? Nay, country, nay, America? Phhhff, I think it’s worth infinite money. In fact, we should give them infinite money. In fact, we should all make a pledge to give our lives to OpenAI for the rest of time. WHEN WE DIE OPENAI SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO SCAN OUR BRAINS TO HELP TRAIN THEIR LARGE LANGUAGE MODELS.

(This article was written by ChatGPT.)

For more on this story, click here: OpenAI Announces ‘Stargate’, A ChatGPT-Powered Voltron Robot

The White House has just announced that actress and internet obsession Sydney Sweeney will be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the nation’s highest civilian honor, for saving the economy, having good genes/jeans and for her “tireless commitment to maintaining the average male dopamine level in the 21st century.”

The announcement, made via an emergency press briefing and a shirtless Jake Tapper TikTok duet, sparked celebration across Reddit threads, X accounts with anime profile pictures, and the offices of every hedge fund junior analyst named “Chad.”

Sweeney, 27, known for her roles in prestige television and for somehow turning a simple tank top into a nationwide distraction, reportedly accepted the award with humility and a cryptic Instagram caption that read, “🍒✨thank you Mr. Prez✨🍒.”

Financial markets reacted immediately. WallStreetBets declared a temporary truce on their AMC vs. Tesla civil war to launch the $SWEEN ticker, a new meme stock backed by nothing but gifs and raw testosterone. Within minutes, shares had surged 420% before immediately crashing when it was revealed the ticker was actually just someone’s Robinhood typo.

Meanwhile, TikTok financial influencers called the Medal of Freedom award a “strong bullish indicator.”

“This is basically the government confirming what the free market already knew,” said @stonks_gawd69 in a video captioned “$SWEEN TO DA MOOOON 🚀🚀🚀.” “Sydney Sweeney is America’s GDP now. She’s the only thing keeping this entire economy from collapsing into a pile of lithium-ion dust.”

Not everyone welcomed the move. Critics pointed out that Sweeney has yet to release an NFT, start a skincare line, or host a podcast with Logan Paul—standards traditionally required for true American heroism in 2025. A White House spokesperson confirmed those concerns were “valid,” but added that “not every legend has to sell supplements to count.”

According to leaked documents from the Department of Homeland Security, the Medal ceremony will include a 21-thirst salute, and all major streaming services will temporarily rename their “Trending Now” section to “Sydney’s Sizzle.”

When reached for comment, Sweeney simply smiled and said, “Freedom looks good on me.”

For more shitty content, click here: Coldplay Uncovers Epstein List At Concert

Tesla CEO Elon Musk has successfully bullied the Tesla board out of 96 million shares worth $30 billion dollars in money after threatening to leave the company.

Pundits thought the board might call Elon’s bluff and give up the erratic billionaire to focus on his political party dubbed, ‘The America Party’, after America. However, in a letter to shareholders, the Tesla board declared that “Retaining Elon is more important than ever before. We are confident that this award will incentivise Elon to remain at Tesla.”

It is unclear if Elon was just off frame with a gun as the letter was being written.

Elon in money — Visual representation of Elon right now

Musk responded to the payment in a briefing call with investors, “I think my control over Tesla should be enough to ensure that it goes in a good direction, but not so much control that I can’t be thrown out if I go crazy.” Well, shit, too late for both there, Mr. Musky man.

Tesla took a big stock hit recently after showing less than stellar sales results this year and is looking to capitalize on Elon’s continued fame and clout and abilities too I would imagine in order to turn things around with big work.

Elon Musk Go Back To Work

What’s Elon’s big work, you ask? Well, someone’s got to make Grok sexy now, don’t they? Yes, that’s right, Musk unveiled a sexy anime skin for X’s chatbot to cover up its Nazi skin.

Will keeping touch-starved males at home to goggle at some AI-generated affection solve the population crisis that Musk so frequently criticises? Yes. Yes, it will. These men weren’t going to breed anyways. Keep them out, increase the quality of the pool. It’s genius. What’s that, did someone say eugenics? No, it’s not that. Shh.

What’s this got to do with Tesla? Well, Tesla’s making robots now, and they have to have personalities too, so what better than a sexy anime waifu? Sure, it’s serving popcorn now, but give it a few years and it’ll be serving ass too.

A massive amount of Elon’s stock pay is still tied up in a seven-year legal battle after a Delaware judge, Kathleen McCormick, ruled the $56 billion package was excessive. And honestly, I didn’t know judges could do that. Can Kathy weigh in on my unexcessive pay?

But what do you think? Should I be paid more? Let us know in the comments.

For more on this story, click here: Tesla Stock Self-Drives Into Canyon

Stop the presses! The Epstein List has been found, and by none other than the greatest sleuths of our generation, the masters of deduction from whom no secret is safe. That’s right: Coldplay.

During an innocent kiss cam at their latest concert, Coldplay spun the camera round to a government agent who happened to be in the crowd reading a particularly dense dossier.

“What are you reading there, a newspaper?” quipped the band’s front man, Chris Martin. “It better not be the Epstein Files!”

Even though Martin meant this as a joke, from the agent’s panicked expression and failed attempt to cover up the document, fans assumed that this was in fact the Epstein client list after all.

Nearby concert goers then rushed the agent and managed to prize the pages out of his hands, before posting pictures of it online, confirming the nature of the files.

For the full contents of the Epstein Files, click here: 10 Revelations From The Epstein List That Someone Just Emailed Us

Precisely why someone brought the files to a concert, Coldplay or otherwise, why a government official was even attending a concert or why he was wearing sunglasses are all questions that will be answered in the fullness of time, but either way one fact remains clear: no secret is safe from Coldplay.

For more on this story, click here: Epstein List Revealed To Be Written In Sharpie: Trump’s Screwed

I don’t know what to tell you guys, there’s just no news. I’m sorry, I know you came here for the latest stories, but phhff we’re simply out.

I know it seems like there’s a lot going on with the wars in Gaza and Ukraine and New York, but yeah, weirdly, they just dipped today. Every single person in these conflicts just took a brief moment not to do much, so there’s nothing new there.

What else we got… Trump, he’s always good for a laugh. What you been up to? …Not much? More of the same? Ok, ok, cool.

Musky-boy, me ol’ pal Elon, can always rely on you for some good banter, right? What’s happening? …Right, right, slow for you too, huh. Okeee…

Financial newsifications: businesses looking pretty much the same. There are numbers but they’re not very interesting.

And in entertainment, yeah, there’s some new releases tomorrow, but for now, just a bit of a lull really.

Surely there must be some fluff piece we can run? No endangered puppy riding a surfboard? No? Ok, crap… Idk, just play some piano music.

Aww, look how cute he is. Not news though, this picture's from years ago. — Aww, look how cute he is. Not news though, this picture’s from years ago.

Insert Interesting News Headline Here When Something Happens

Hey, you know what, though, maybe the lack of news IS news! Maybe this random black hole of topical content is notable enough to write about after all! Yeah! That’s the spirit! So here’s the news, kids: there IS NO NEWS! How exceptional and surprising is that?!

Today will go down in history along with April 18, 1930, as the most remarkable day of all days. Even more remarkable than a day filled with things happening. Everyone will remember where they were when nothing happened and comment on how the world was not the same again.

Incredible times.

(It’ll be just my luck that this’ll go live when there’s a 2nd 9-11 or something)

For more non-stories, click here: Google Forced To Sell ‘G’ and Become ‘Oole’ In Antitrust Lawsuit

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