Anthropic Settles $1 Trillion AI Copyright Lawsuit

Ok, I admit that’s a slightly misleading headline to get you to click on this article, shoot me. You see, Anthropic, makers of the AI ‘Claude’, have reached a preliminary settlement BUT they don’t have to cough up a trillion smackerloonies, that would be crazy. No, that’s just what some calculate to be the worst-case scenario.

How they calculated it idk, I guess just added up every Claude prompt at 10% royalties? Yeah, not sure that’s how that works. Either way, even if the numbers a lot lower, it could potentially cripple the AI company.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to explain what the suit was about. So it’s basically a bunch of authors, like of books and things, have got together to say that Claude being trained on their work then selling it as a product is copyright infringement and ngl yeah, I think it might be.

Either way this sets a crazy precedent for the rest of the AI industry (AII if you will). Can just anyone sue if their work gets used?

Will the New York Times suit against OpenAI and Disney’s suit against Midjourney pull through after all?

Only time (and a judge) will tell.

In the meantime pretty much half this site’s content is AI generated so I guess we’re going down too. What I’m going to do to avoid having to pay any pos author is rewrite everything AI has ever written on this site. I’m going to go through with a fine tooth comb and a thesaurus and swap out every single word for a synonym. And I’m going to start with this next paragraph:

A synonym a synonym a synonym a synonym a synonym a synonym. A synonym a synonym a synonym.  a synonym, a synonym a synonym, a synonym a synonym.  A synonym a synonym, “A synonym,  a synonym a synonym a synonym; a synonym?”

You know what, this is going to take forever… imma just get an AI to do it.

What you gonna do, SUE ME?!

(thisarticlewaswrittenwiththeassistanceofanAI)

For more unreadably AI news, read this one: OpenAI To Sell Shares For $500 Billion Valuation According To ChatGPT

Latest news

Ima Short• August 28, 2025D

Anthropic Settles $1 Trillion AI Copyright Lawsuit

Anthropic, makers of the AI ‘Claude’, have reached a preliminary settlement BUT they d...
Loss Porn
Ima Short• D

Anthropic Settles $1 Trillion AI Copyright Lawsuit

Anthropic, makers of the AI ‘Claude’, have reached a preliminary settlement BUT they d...
Loss Porn

Nvidia Down 3% After Trump Drags Feet On 15% China China China Chip Deal

During a recent earnings call, Nvidia CFO Colette Kress said that the U.S. Government “has not published a regulation codifying such requirement.” The ‘such requirement’ being the 15% cut of H20 (water) chip sales to China China, meaning that those sales just ain’t happening, buster.

Nvidia then went on to say that “any request for a percentage of the revenue by the USG may subject us to litigation, increase our costs, and harm our competitive position and benefit competitors that are not subject to such arrangements.” Wait, what? I thought they already agreed to it?

It’s a real shame, because otherwise Nvidia’s had a really good run lately. They beat out all of Wall Street’s estimates for the quarter. $46.7 billion revenue. 56% year on year jump. $26.4 billion profit. That’s a 59% jump in quarterly profits. Themes is some sweet sweet number.

But with no sales to China China China China the company is now seeing a 3%, no wait, 4% now, slump. Well, it’s just swings and roundabouts isn’t it.

Look, Trump’s got better things to do than push through this whole 15% kickback thing. He’s got a Nobel Prize to win, Epsteins to distance himself from, logo rebrands to critique and China to China China China China China China. Yes, Nvidia is the backbone of America’s chip industry (not like those losers over at Intel) and yes, this was the government’s idea in the first place but hey, whadayagonnado?

Tech innovation, meet government bureaucracy.

China.

Oh wait, there is one more thing. Trump did float that maaaaaybe he’d be open to Nvidia selling a version of their Blackwell processor to China (China). I guess just completely forgetting the H20 deal. On the earnings call, Nvidia did say this was a real possibility.

So what’s going to happen next? I don’t know. Why you looking at me? I’m not a fortune teller. Jesus. Why don’t you go read some actual news for once.

Or if you really hate yourself, you can keep reading this site here: ChatGPT Grows $100 Portfolio 23%, Outperforming S&P 500

Latest news

Ima Short• August 28, 2025D

Nvidia Down 3% After Trump Drags Feet On 15% China China China Chip Deal

Nvidia has said that the U.S. Government has not published a regulation codifying the 15% ...
Tech
Ima Short• D

Nvidia Down 3% After Trump Drags Feet On 15% China China China Chip Deal

Nvidia has said that the U.S. Government has not published a regulation codifying the 15% ...
Tech

Don’t Invest In OpenAi Says OpenAI, Wait, What?

Yeah, OpenAI isn’t publicly traded yet so don’t even try it. If you want to, you need the company’s written consent. Now a lot of people haven’t got that memo so OpenAI has had to write a blog post EXPLAINING to you MORONS that anyone trying to sell you OpenAI shares is a scammer.

By the way, do you want to buy some OpenAI shares? Hmu.

It’s a specific type of scam that’s becoming a new gold rush. They’re called special purpose vehicles or SPVs which allow multiple people to by shares in one transaction. When unauthorized, yeah, that’s a scam.

Bad actors will claim to have big stocks to sell in buzzy companies like OpenAI, charge an extortionate transaction fee then run off with your money before you can realise that they never had any such stocks in the first place.

Sam Altman’s company clarified that, “not every offer of OpenAI equity (or exposure to it) is problematic,” just, you know, most. “If so, the sale will not be recognized and carry no economic value to you.” Unless you collect scams, in which case, hmu.

But yeah, avoid these, they are obviously illegal.

You know what else is illegal? Running a not-for-profit company for profit. Not that I’m looking at anyone in particular. It’s not like OpenAI is now valued at $500 billion dollars in money or anything.

This is a 66.7% increase from the previous $300 billion valuation, making it the most valuable startup in the world, says ChatGPT.

SpaceX is currently the most valuable start-up in the world at $350 billion, with ByteDance valued at $315 billion (can we even call these start-ups at this point? My cousin Denneth sells homemade pogs out of this garage, now THAT’S a start-up).

As ChatGPT explains, OpenAl plans a multi-billion-dollar secondary sale in which current and former employees would be able to cash out their stock options.

ChatGPT also explained that OpenArtificialIntelligence is pretty cool and a great place to work and definitely worth $500 billion dollars worth of money if you’re in the market.

Half a trillion dollars seems like a wild amount of money, but let’s look at the facts. AI is huge business right now. We’re in the middle of an AI boom, in case you hadn’t noticed. Weekly ChatGPT users are now at 700 million, Meta is going all in on their AI department, and Google now has an AI mode so that Denneth’s Homemade Pogs Dot Com isn’t even listed anymore.

Heck, I think the king of the tech landscape as we see it, OpenAI SHOULD be given all the money. $500 billion? For holding up the entire economy? Nay, country, nay, America? Phhhff, I think it’s worth infinite money. In fact, we should give them infinite money. In fact, we should all make a pledge to give our lives to OpenAI for the rest of time. WHEN WE DIE OPENAI SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO SCAN OUR BRAINS TO HELP TRAIN THEIR LARGE LANGUAGE MODELS.

(This article was written by ChatGPT.)

Like, just take a look at this crazy story: Elon Musk Makes Compelling New Offer For OpenAI: “I’ll Leave You Alone”

Latest news

Bill Fold• August 27, 2025D

Don’t Invest In OpenAi Says OpenAI, Wait, What?

OpenAI isn’t publicly traded yet so the company has had to write a blog post EXPLAINING ...
Tech
Bill Fold• D

Don’t Invest In OpenAi Says OpenAI, Wait, What?

OpenAI isn’t publicly traded yet so the company has had to write a blog post EXPLAINING ...
Tech

Is Woke Dead?? Cracker Barrel Reverts To Old Logo

After learning nothing from Jaguar’s disastrous rebrand last year, Cracker Barrel recently unveiled a redesigned logo that everyone hated. The sleeker, more minimalist design removed the image of the cracker and the barrel, because honestly, with the text too, it was just a hat on a hat.

But now, after massive backlash and a 7% share drop, the crackers over at the barrel have caved to the pressure and reverted back to the old logo, in what might be the most expensive branding U-turn since HBO rebranded as HBO GO, then HBO NOW, then HBO max, then just ‘max’, then back to HBO max, before finally combining them all into HBO GO NOW MAX!

Take that, communists.

Related: Jaguar Opts For No Logo At All After Rebrand Backlash

The change was somehow dragged into America’s ongoing culture war and dubbed a ‘woke’ rebrand. Because remember, ‘woke’ is a catch-all word that simply means anything that you don’t like. Please, use it liberally. (Unless you’re an actual liberal, in which case don’t you fucking dare.)

Cracker Barrel logo change
Honestly, the old one always creeped me out. Why are you staring at me? What do you know? WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

Even President Trump (whose favorite pastime is ‘getting in on the nonsense’) got in on the nonsense, saying, “Congratulations ‘Cracker Barrel’ on changing your logo back to what it was. All of your fans very much appreciate it”. Like, wtf, ‘fans’? Who cares?

I get it, it was a bad redesign, going the way of so many modern logos: flat, simple and just a bit more boring, all in an effort to look better on an iPhone screen. But the backlash has been a bit much, guys, let’s rein it in. Why is the President weighing in? Shouldn’t he be busy having sex with children or whatever it is presidents do?

Cracker Barrel’s Muffled Response From Inside A Barrel

Anyway, here’s the company’s full statement: “We thank our guests for sharing your voices and love for Cracker Barrel. We said we would listen, and we have. Our new logo is going away and our ‘Old Timer’ will remain. At Cracker Barrel, it’s always been – and always will be – about serving up delicious food, warm welcomes, and the kind of country hospitality that feels like family. As a proud American institution, our 70,000 hardworking employees look forward to welcoming you to our table soon.”

Thanks ChatGPT for that one…

By the way, don’t you just love how the committee-ised marketing speak statements always spin everything into a positive, desperately avoid admitting any mistake and somehow manage to ram in an advert in there?

It’s never, “Yeah, we fucked up, lol.” It’s always, “Here at Baby-Organ Harvesting Corp, we’re proud of our dozens of customers who are always keen to speak up. Well, we hear you! As of today, we’ll be reinstating our mascot Baby Bucher Billy on all branding material at all 400 of our worldwide, award-winning, currently open stores.” Like, just shut up, please.

Maybe we all got played, maybe this was all a big marketing stunt to make headlines and HBO knew exactly what they were doing this whole time…

For more on this topic, click here: Trump Awards Sydney Sweeney Presidential Medal of Freedom for “Saving The Economy”

Latest news

Ima Short• August 27, 2025D

Is Woke Dead?? Cracker Barrel Reverts To Old Logo

After massive backlash and a 7% share drop, the crackers over at Cracker Barrel have caved...
Culture
Ima Short• D

Is Woke Dead?? Cracker Barrel Reverts To Old Logo

After massive backlash and a 7% share drop, the crackers over at Cracker Barrel have caved...
Culture

Trump Fires Fed Governor, Powell Unlikely To Reach Apprentice Season Finale

President ‘The President’ Donald Trump has FIRED Federal Reserve official Lisa Cook, just like in that one TV show he was on, opening up a clear shot for Jerome Powell to get pow pow POWED!

Cook however said she would not resign and that Trump can’t fire her and that they’d have to get one thousand cheetahs to forcibly remove her from the premises if they wanted her gone.

But Trump says the constitution allows it and it’s all because Cook made false statements on her mortgage agreements. What? Don, Don, Don, Don, Don, I think you might need a long long look in the mirror if you’re gonna talk about frauding financial documents.

Lisa ‘Not Lizzo’ Cook is on the board of peeps that determines interest rates which is the main thing that Trump wants a-changing and he will stop a NOTHING, including breaking the law to change it.

She was also appointed by J’Biden, so there’s that.

Trump posted his letter to Cook on Truth Social (what does ‘truth social’ even mean?), claiming that Cook lied about where her primary residency was. “It is inconceivable that you were not aware of your first commitment when making the second,” Trump said.

What Trump forgets, however, is that I don’t care.

Trump Cook Fed Letter
Here’s the letter, but honestly, I wouldn’t bother reading it, it’s really boring.

Markets reacting to all this with just a lil dip, just a lil one, but since the war’s heating up who knows what’s gonna happen as things progress. Maybe someone will die? Who knows?

“If Trump succeeds in replacing Cook, could he reshape the Fed’s composition and how would that impact the market’s perception on US investability?” said Julia Lee, head of client coverage for FTSE Russell. Oh my god please stop I already said I don’t care.

Jay Powell, if you’re reading this, we love you and miss you. Come home.

Right, that’s enough news. If you want to keep the party going, click here for our TOP 10 PICKS TO REPLACE JEROME POWELL!

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John Combs• D

Trump Fires Fed Governor, Powell Unlikely To Reach Apprentice Season Finale

Donald Trump has FIRED Federal Reserve official Lisa Cook, just like in that one TV show h...
Politics
John Combs• D

Trump Fires Fed Governor, Powell Unlikely To Reach Apprentice Season Finale

Donald Trump has FIRED Federal Reserve official Lisa Cook, just like in that one TV show h...
Politics

ChatGPT Grows $100 Portfolio 23%, Outperforming S&P 500

As featured in a viral Reddit post, random man Nathan Smith used ChatGPT to conduct a “6-month experiment to see how a language model performs in picking small, undercovered stocks with only a $100 budget.”

And it seems to be paying off. Smith has made $25 so far, which is a 23.8% return for all you math nerds out there. That’s significantly higher than the Rusell 2000, XBI and the S&P 500 AND my own personal portfolio, which is actually doing really badly atm maybe I should get on this chatguputuh thingy.

ChatGPT stocks reddit post
fuckin stonks mate

So, should we all follow Smith’s lead and let Sam Altman become our stock broker as well as out therapist? Well, it’s still debatable whether chaty-G is better with other users not having similar success. Hey, if it was consistently better then everyone would be using it by now. Trust.

A crucial element is that Smith did add some probably much needed human input. He first inputted the stock data and then added a stop loss rule so that chatgupt would sell the stocks at a certain price. This isn’t AI entirely off the chain here.

Smith’s experiment is still ongoing so time will tell whether AI will come out on top here. It looks like when it comes to stock, we might need to rewrite the phrase, “brain meets brawn” afterall. Now it’s “brain meets computer brain meets brawn”. And who will win? Maybe computer brain but probably not brawn. Stayed tuned here for more information about this.

Make Sure To Use Subheadings To Improve Readability ChatGPT

It’s the thing about stocks and money you should know is a ChatGPTE could never replace a humanbeing a never it cannot do what I can do and trade stocks stonks like me. money.

Meanwhile chatpshitithinki’mhaving a stock a strok a stoke call the chaptgpt tellthen i’m havinga  stork STORK fuck

For more news, click here: OpenAI To Sell Shares For $500 Billion Valuation According To ChatGPT

Latest news

Max Profit• D

ChatGPT Grows $100 Portfolio 23%, Outperforming S&P 500

A redditor used ChatGPT to conduct a “6-month experiment to see how a language model per...
Stonks
Max Profit• D

ChatGPT Grows $100 Portfolio 23%, Outperforming S&P 500

A redditor used ChatGPT to conduct a “6-month experiment to see how a language model per...
Stonks

Google Unveils $1799 Flip Phone

Alphabet (Google) just unveiled its brand new Pixel 10 Pro Fold that’s like a regular phone but it folds in half. No wait, you’re not hearing me. What I’m saying is that you can use one half for a keyboard and another half for a screen. This is ground breaking and it’s only $2000 dollars (rounded up).

Sure, you’re paying a lot for something that you had back in 2005 and without the Hello Kitty decals, but this one has AI, so shut up. Yeah, all the other specks are basically like the last Pixel but the real game changer ain’t the flip, no, it’s that it’s waterproof. Yeah, that’s right. Now you can accidentally drop it in the bathtub whilst showering all you like and save a FORTUNE on rice.

Flip phones might seem like a fad, but everyone’s getting in on it. Samsung’s got one, Apple’s rumored to be developing a foldable iPad called the iBedsheet. So maybe this is the future. It’s exciting, we’ve not seen much innovation in this sector since Bill Jobs stood on stage and said, “What if all phones were the same brick of void forever?”

But Google’s Pixel has the drop on all those contenders thanks to a brand new feature. Whilst previously it was impossible to fold a sheet of phone in half more than seven times, the Pixel 10 Pro Fold can be folded as many times as you like. You can even use it to make origami birds. The Pixel won’t work after that of course, but that’s by the by.

The new phone ships on October 9th. Good luck finding a phone case.

(This article was in no way sponsored, funded, endorsed or even winked at by Google. I won’t make any money if you go buy one, I promise. I’m genuinely just out here interested in phones. Shoot me.)

For more tech news, click here: Google Simultaneously Unveils And Doesn’t Unveil Quantum Chip

Latest news

Bill Fold• August 21, 2025D

Google Unveils $1799 Flip Phone

Alphabet (Google) just unveiled its brand new Pixel 10 Pro Fold that’s like a regular ph...
Tech
Bill Fold• D

Google Unveils $1799 Flip Phone

Alphabet (Google) just unveiled its brand new Pixel 10 Pro Fold that’s like a regular ph...
Tech

Powell’s Rival Bullard Pushes Rate Cuts, Has The Fed Mutiny Begun?

Jim Powell might be under threat from another Jim, one James B. Bullard, who today said, “Rates are a bit high right now, and I think we can get down about 100 basis points by 2026. I think that’ll start with a rate reduction here at the September meeting.” Well, someone just became Trump’s new top pick for Fed Chair.

The former St. Louis Fed President (what is that, a basketball team?) also said that he’d been in touch with Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent for a meeting after Labor Day, which is obviously an interview, like, surely.

Powell’s term expires in mid-May and will likely be replaced if not before then. Perdue Dean, Bullard has been tapped as a frontrunner for the job mainly because Trump hasn’t found a reason to hate him yet.

If Bullard doesn’t get the job, Trump and Bessent have a long list of contenders to pick from, including fan favorite, Fed Gov. Chris Walker.

But those are the boring options. To see who’s REALLY going to be the next Fed Chair, read our ranked list of TOP 10 PICKS TO REPLACE POWELL below:

(Honorable mention) JD Vance – The Backup Backup Option

Ehh, ok, fine, if we really have to, like if we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel, I guess he’ll do. I GUESS WE COULD SETTLE. I mean, he doesn’t have much on his plate. He’s not that busy, he could probs do the Fed on the side. Not well, mind you, not a good job, but he’d do A job, sure.

JD seems a great replacement, considering that Powell is “an average-minded person” with a “low IQ for what he does,” according to Donald Trump.

10. No One – Better Than JD

Now, this is the most controversial take, but do we even need a chair? Can’t we just sit on the floor? It’s long been the belief of notable economists like me that the Fed can just run itself. If anything, it would be an improvement from that good-for-nothing POWELL.

9. SBF – Pronounced “essbeef”

Sam Bankman-Fried has done more than enough to prove his financial chops. Hell, he’s got ‘bank’ in his name, who better to lead the finances of this country? Now, there is the little matter of the whole ‘prison’ thing, but that’s nothing that a bit of presidential pardoning can’t fix.

8. Kanye – West

…West, that is. He’s a loose cannon. A renegade. And you know what? Maybe that’s exactly what the fed needs right now. Sure, there was that whole thing with his cousin and with the Nazis and, yes, he ran against Trump but my enemies enemy is my friend and a friend in Ye is a friend indeed.

7. Tiffany Fong – Who?

Oh, the crypto influencer that Elon offered to have a child with. Yeah, sure, why not, throw her into the mix. The important thing is that we make HEADLINES. Ok?

6. Barron – ‘Trump’, not ‘Oil’

Now, Barron’s a good kid. Maybe the best kid. And he knows his crypto more than anyone. He’s talking about crypto, he’s a fan, he knows how to use his wallet. What’s a wallet? Well, he’s using it. So he’s a good pick.

5. Scrooge McDuck – Money Man (Duck)

If anyone understands money, it’s a man with a giant pile of money in his house. Now that’s the kind of guy I want in charge of interest rates, that’s for sure.

4. An AI Tesla Bot – If Elon Can Bury The Hatchet

Picture this: no more Jay Powell AND Tesla stock goes up with a ground-breaking tech demo, all in one move. He’s lean, he’s mean, he’s a fighting machine what else would you build a robot for but managing the federal reserve? This ain’t ‘Mr. Too Late’ this ain’t no ‘Major Loser’ this is advanced robotics at the cutting edge.

3. Jerome Powell – He’s Back, Baby!

A late entry to the field, this is a completely different Jerome Powell, absolutely no relation to the previous JP. Yes, he looks very similar, but this Jerome has a large mustache, so it can’t be the same one.

2. Eric Trump – Maybe The Real Powell Was The Friends We Made Along The Way

Eric Trump is well known for not really being that well known, so it’s a good choice after every other family member that Trump had in his inner circle got burned by the first administration. Other than moving some money around when maybe he shouldn’t have and then got caught, Eric has basically zero financial experience, which makes him perfect for the role. He also enjoys skiing. 

1. Donald Trump – The Front Runner

In the top spot, I know, it seems like a curveball, but when you think about it, it makes sense. Who better to follow through on Donald Trump’s wishes than Donald Trump himself? Who’s least likely to get fired by Donald Trump than Donald Trump? Who’s got the business, pork, and financial chops to take the US economy to the next level? And let’s be honest, if Trump could, we all know he would.

And there we have it! Those are our top five picks for the role. We’ll see how things play out, but let us know what you think! Message me personally at my home address hidden in the code for this website.

For a secret bonus option, read this: Hawk Tuah To Replace Jerome Powell as Fed Chairman

Latest news

Bill Fold• August 21, 2025D

Powell’s Rival Bullard Pushes Rate Cuts, Has The Fed Mutiny Begun?

Jim Powell might be under threat from another Jim, Jim Bullard, who today said, "Rates are...
Stonks
Bill Fold• D

Powell’s Rival Bullard Pushes Rate Cuts, Has The Fed Mutiny Begun?

Jim Powell might be under threat from another Jim, Jim Bullard, who today said, "Rates are...
Stonks

After 43% Stock Dip, Viking Therapeutics Is Looking Skinnier Despite Failed Obesity Pill

Viking investors (like angel investors but with horns) were disappointed by the drug company’s latest trial data, leading to a massive 43% stock price dip. But hey, at least someone’s losing weight.

Viking Therapeutics’ new weight loss pill was about as effective as other pills on the market. Great! But the side effects and discontinuation rates were way worse. Not so great!

Share price fell from $42.09 to $23.80, which would be a success on the scales in any other situation. Diet pills are big money now, what with the hype around Ozempic, and Viking was seen as a frontrunner, but I guess the crown for World’s Biggest Loser will have to go to someone else. Maybe Eli Lilly or Novo Nordisk who have obesity drugs that’ll hit shelves years before Viking’s catchily named VK2735.

Oh, and Pfizer. They’re also in the race. Remember them? Yeah, not just your favorite microchip injector.

Jared Holz, Mizuho health care equity strategist, said in an email Tuesday that the data “probably shutters hope for [Viking] to be a bigtime player in the oral obesity market over the near to medium term.” Bet he’s fun at parties.

In related news, the FDA recently altered previous nutritional advice to add an additional food group just for diet pills. The government now recommends that people take ozempic as part of their five a day.

For more real fake news, click this link: Elon Branches Out In Fast Food, Tesla Stock Tumbles

Latest news

Ima Short• August 20, 2025D

After 43% Stock Dip, Viking Therapeutics Is Looking Skinnier Despite Failed Obesity Pill

Viking investors (like angel investors but with horns) were disappointed by the drug compa...
Stonks
Ima Short• D

After 43% Stock Dip, Viking Therapeutics Is Looking Skinnier Despite Failed Obesity Pill

Viking investors (like angel investors but with horns) were disappointed by the drug compa...
Stonks

Is Bitcoin About To Flop? BlackRock Knows Something We Don’t

In a big red flag to crypto fans worldwide, investment firm, BlackRock just dumped 490 $BTC worth about $68.7 million dollars USD, while looking shiftily over their shoulder. We’re screwed.

BlackRock Bitcoin X post
Shit.

After years of championing the “digital gold” narrative, Wall Street’s biggest kid on the playground, BlackRock, has suddenly started acting like it knows a secret about Bitcoin, and no, it’s not just that your neighbor’s cousin is about to shill another NFT project.

Despite launching a Bitcoin ETF with the kind of fanfare usually reserved for Marvel movies and presidential indictments, BlackRock analysts were spotted whispering in hushed tones, trading USB sticks like contraband, and nervously glancing at the “₿” key on their Bloomberg terminals. Sources inside the firm suggest they may have stumbled upon something terrifying: that Bitcoin might actually… go down sometimes.

“We thought it only went up,” said one junior analyst, staring at a candlestick chart like it was an abstract art piece. “Now it’s red. Does that mean it’s bleeding?”

Rumors are swirling that BlackRock has access to classified “Satoshi files,” an encrypted set of documents allegedly proving that Bitcoin was invented not by a mysterious cryptographer, but by a guy who just really hated banks and was bad at explaining things at parties.

Meanwhile, retail investors are left speculating on Reddit and TikTok about what BlackRock “knows.” Popular theories include:

  • Bitcoin secretly runs on the same server as Club Penguin.
  • Larry Fink accidentally pressed “sell all” on his Robinhood account.
  • Satoshi Nakamoto is alive and currently working at a Waffle House in Nevada.

Despite the panic, BlackRock has reassured clients. “We are committed to the long-term value of Bitcoin,” the firm said in a statement, “unless it goes down, in which case we never liked it anyway.”

Crypto Twitter remains unconvinced. One influencer with laser eyes photoshopped onto his dog declared: “This is just FUD. BlackRock doesn’t know anything. Also, buy my course on how to become a millionaire in 3 days by trading Pepe tokens.”

For now, all eyes remain on BlackRock’s next move. If they start quietly buying gold, shorting Coinbase, or ordering suspicious amounts of Ledger wallets on Amazon Prime, it might be time to panic. Until then, Bitcoin hodlers are doing what they do best: refreshing charts at 3 a.m. and insisting “it’s just a dip.”

For more ‘news’ click here: Bitcoin Hits Another ATH Again Again

Latest news

Ima Short• August 20, 2025D

Is Bitcoin About To Flop? BlackRock Knows Something We Don’t

In a big red flag to crypto fans worldwide, investment firm, BlackRock just dumped 490 $BT...
Memecoins
Ima Short• D

Is Bitcoin About To Flop? BlackRock Knows Something We Don’t

In a big red flag to crypto fans worldwide, investment firm, BlackRock just dumped 490 $BT...
Memecoins