Elon Starts America Party, Trump Forms South Africa Party In Retaliation

X CEO and ex-DOGE, Elon Musk, has announced a plan to form a new political party, named the America Party, after Miley Cyrus’ 2018 hit, ‘Party In The U.S.A.’

Should the plan go ahead and not just be another one of Musk’s pesky jokes, the party will have to take on the dominating two parties of the Democratic Republicans and the Republican Democrats.

However, Musk’s best friend-turned-arch-nemesis, Donald Trump, has hit back, saying, “It’s ridiculous to start a third party. It’s always been a two-party system, and I think starting a third party just adds to the confusion.” Trump did not explain how having only two parties was already confusing.

As if to make fun of Musk, Trump has formed the ‘South Africa Party’ and plans to run for the position of ‘King of South Africa’ so he can legally deport Musk “back home”.

This whole spat began when Musk became a public critic of Trump’s financial plan to add more money to the national debt. The argument became ugly quickly and has escalated recently to Musk’s new rival party.

Writing on X, Musk said, “You want a new political party and you shall have it! When it comes to bankrupting our country with waste and graft, we live in a one-party system, not a democracy. Today, the America Party is formed to give you back your freedom.”

Whether Elon actually has a challenge against the current system remains to be seen. Either way, the billionaire will have an uphill battle. Independents have rarely had much sway in elections, only succeeding to chip off a few votes from their closest competitors.

Other countries show that a multi-party system is not impossible, even though it comes with its own issues. And on paper, America is a multi-party system, but in practice, Washington seems too calcified into its current birary form to change any time soon.

Musk’s political ambitions seemed inextricably tied to Trump until only a few weeks ago so it seems unlikely that he would do any better than Kanye West as a political candidate. What’s more, as a South African native, Musk is ineligible to run for President. This means that he would have to select someone else to be his candidate, someone who is unlikely to have more clout than Musk.

Elon seems set to sink a lot of capital and time into this project without a clear payoff on the cards. Musk may only succeed in frustrating shareholders and news enjoyers with his zany antics.

In other words, maybe Musk should turn self-driving back on and stay in his lane.

For more on this story, read this: Crying America Begs Mommy And Daddy To Stop Fighting

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Pen Smith• July 7, 2025D

Elon Starts America Party, Trump Forms South Africa Party In Retaliation

X CEO and ex-DOGE, Elon Musk, has announced a plan to form a new political party, named th...
Elon
Pen Smith• D

Elon Starts America Party, Trump Forms South Africa Party In Retaliation

X CEO and ex-DOGE, Elon Musk, has announced a plan to form a new political party, named th...
Elon

Trump Reveals Plan To Tax Gambling Losses, Degens Now 10% More Unlucky 

Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill just got a gambling amendment from the Senate as it makes its way to the final rounds of debate that might cripple all you unlucky degens out there.

An iddy-biddy beautiful part of the big beautiful bill is an addendum saying that deductions from gambling winnings would be limited to 90% of losses, if the bill passes.

Now, what this means is that, let’s say I earn $100, I’d get taxed on those winnings. That’s income, so that’s taxed. Fine. Now, let’s say I also lost $100, with my $100 winnings, now I’ve made nothing. No income, no tax right? WRONG! With this law you could only reduce $90 from your taxes. You’ve earned nothing because you suck at gambling and now, just to kick you in the balls when you’re down, you have to pay $10 to the government.

Now if you didn’t follow that, you’re probably confused because, yeah, it’s confusing. But if you did follow that, you’re also probably confused because, yeah, it makes no sense. Why you got to tax me on the sweet load of nothing I’m making? That’s what VAT is for!

Professional gamblers are up in arms as this law would make it much harder for them to earn a living. Should it pass, full-time players might even be driven out of US casinos and turn to unregulated, dirty, foreign casinos to make that dollar. This will likely lead to only more malleable, casual players at casinos, meaning that, once again, the house always wins.

Who knows if the whole bill will even pass, and if it does, whether this little paperclipped bit will have made it through. But either way, it looks like the only one GAMBLING here is Trump… with our VOTES that is! Hahaha, see what I did there?

For more gambling news, check out: Top 5 Degen Bets This Week

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Bill Fold• July 3, 2025D

Trump Reveals Plan To Tax Gambling Losses, Degens Now 10% More Unlucky 

Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill just got a gambling amendment from the Senate that might crip...
Loss Porn
Bill Fold• D

Trump Reveals Plan To Tax Gambling Losses, Degens Now 10% More Unlucky 

Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill just got a gambling amendment from the Senate that might crip...
Loss Porn

Bezos Sells Amazon Shares To Pay For Wedding, Narrowly Avoids Bankruptcy

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has sold off $737 million worth of Amazon ($AMZN) shares in order to fund his lavish wedding in Venice this week.

Even though he ticked next-day delivery at checkout, Bezos’ wedding took five days to complete, spanning multiple historic sites in Venice. Reportedly, the bride, Lauren Sánchez (no relation) had 27 dresses in reference to the film, 27 Days Later.

90 private jets brought in 250 guests, including a who’s who of principled millionaires who once proselytized for all the things that Amazon stands against. Bill Gates, Leonardo DiCaprio, Andrew Garfield, Oprah Winfrey, Barbra Streisand, Lady Gaga, the dog from the new Superman movie, and the three ghosts of expensive weddings past.

Apparently, my invite was lost in the mail.

One surprise guest, Katy Perry, somehow made it past security after Bezos but failed to disrupt the wedding itself. Perry and Bezos are currently involved in a bitter feud after Bezos’ failed attempt at murdering the singer by launching her into space.

With an engagement ring worth $3-5 million and two engagement parties, groomzilla Jeff was already over budget and desperate for more capital to fund his wedding.

Fearing a choice between bankruptcy or upsetting his future second ex-wife to be, Bezos suddenly remembered that he was in possession of some of the most valuable stock options in the world and instantly dumped a Boeing’s worth of collateral just to keep the gondola afloat.

Plans were also scaled back from a wedding occurring entirely in outer space to a boring, lame Earth wedding. Ew.

Bezos is reportedly already planning a lavish divorce at the Taj Mahal.

For more news about everything Bezos, click here: Trump Declares War On JEFF, “That Man Cannot Have Nukes”

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Max Profit• July 2, 2025D

Bezos Sells Amazon Shares To Pay For Wedding, Narrowly Avoids Bankruptcy

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has sold off $737 million worth of Amazon ($AMZN) shares in order to...
Stonks
Max Profit• D

Bezos Sells Amazon Shares To Pay For Wedding, Narrowly Avoids Bankruptcy

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has sold off $737 million worth of Amazon ($AMZN) shares in order to...
Stonks

Crying America Begs Mommy And Daddy To Stop Fighting

Millions of people across America are collectively standing in a bedroom doorway, crying for Elon Musk and Donald Trump to end their bitter feud.

The once-perfect pairing of two overpowered narcissists with completely different world views has turned sour in a way that no one could have possibly predicted.

The catalyst has been Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill (still can’t believe it’s called that), currently trending on X as the ‘Big Ugly Bill’. As the deadline looms and lawmakers get deeper into the debate over its merits, Musk has lashed out again.

Musk went on a tweeting spree yesterday, Xing out against raising the national debt and threatening to form a new party, the cleverly named ‘America Party’, should the bill pass. 

Elon feels the bill goes too far and doesn’t go far enough, or something? Idk, it’s like the biggest tax cut the wealthy has ever seen, I don’t know why he’s not happy. It’s going to increase the national debt, I think, which Musk hates, or loves, or something, idk, not sure why he’s got skin in this game.

Any which ways, he’s escalated things, claiming Trump is in the Epstein files and most recently offering to financially support any lawmakers who go against his bill. That’s a bribe, right? We can call that a bribe.

So Trump hits back with a, “Elon may get more subsidy [sick] than any human being in history, by far, and without subsidies, Elon would probably have to close up shop and head back home to South Africa. No more Rocket launches, Satellites, or Electric Car Production, and our Country would save a FORTUNE. Perhaps we should have DOGE take a good, hard look at this? BIG MONEY TO BE SAVED!!!”

Trump Musk America Feud Tweet
Elon likely to receive a call from ICE in the coming weeks

And all of this leaves us looking on, teary-eyed, thinking it’s all our fault, wondering what we could do to pull them back together. How can we make them stop? Why do they have to be so mean? Why don’t they love each other anymore? They used to love each other. They used to love each other.

At least no one will get developmental issues from this, right? RIGHT?

As for who’s mommy and who’s daddy in this scenario, I’ll let you sick freaks work that one out for yourselves.

For more on this story, click here: Trump Wins Custody Of Joe Rogan In Divorce With Musk

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Marge Incall• July 1, 2025D

Crying America Begs Mommy And Daddy To Stop Fighting

Millions of people across America are collectively standing in a bedroom doorway, crying f...
Politics
Marge Incall• D

Crying America Begs Mommy And Daddy To Stop Fighting

Millions of people across America are collectively standing in a bedroom doorway, crying f...
Politics

Canada Scraps US Digital Tax, Apologises 26,000 Times

The United States of Canada (remember them?) has repealed its tech-attacking tax bill in a desperate attempt to appease its almighty god south of the border.

Whilst last-minute pull-outs are not normally effective, it seems that the withdrawal method worked this time as Trump has agreed to restart trade talks.

The digital services tax (AKA DST, AKA Don’t Say ‘Trade’, AKA Donald Shit-the-bed Trump) would have taxed the US tech big boys, Amazon, Meta, Google, Apple, MySpace and whoever runs KnowYourMeme.com, a WHOPPING 3% of earnings over $20m.

This light tickle to the biggest companies in the godamn world apparently caused a massive sneeze for Trump, who balked at the ta,x calling it a “blatant attack” and “egregious” and “economically we have such power over Canada”. Trump then proved it by playing his signature move: TARIFFS!

In a statement, Canada’s finance minister, a man with the Frenchest name you ever heard, François-Philippe Champagne, said, “The DST was announced in 2020 to address the fact that many large technology companies operating in Canada may not otherwise pay tax on revenues generated from Canadians.” Huh, maybe this DST doesn’t sound like the worst idea.

Despite Canada’s new leader, Mark Carney, declaring financial independence from America, Trump’s backlash to the backlash worked and Canadia came a crawling back. 

Anyone who knows Canada isn’t surprised and potentially Trump was relying on his polite neighbors to cave first with 26,000 sorries and an apology hamper of maple syrup, bacon, and free prescription drugs.

Now both parties say they will agree to new trade terms by 21 July. We’ll see.

For more Canada news, click here: IMPROBABLE: Canada Also Has Political News

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John Combs• June 30, 2025D

Canada Scraps US Digital Tax, Apologises 26,000 Times

The United States of Canada (remember them?) has repealed its tech-attacking tax bill in a...
Tech
John Combs• D

Canada Scraps US Digital Tax, Apologises 26,000 Times

The United States of Canada (remember them?) has repealed its tech-attacking tax bill in a...
Tech

Crypto Becomes Asset For Mortgages, Fartcoin Now Worth ‘Abandoned Warehouse With No Doors’

In news that would give any boomer an aneurysm, the US Federal Housing Finance Agency has just issued an order to value Bitcoin and crypto as assets for a mortgage.

Yeah, but I ain’t reading all that

Real estate just got a little more virtual, paving the way for zip code NFTs and shitty timeshares scams entirely on the blockchain.

After decades of being denied access to the property ladder, coiners can now join the exclusive club of people allowed to own houses, along with anyone over the age of 50 and shady Russian oligarchs. 

Bitcoin owners across the world collectively high-fived each other and said, simultaneously, “What could possibly go wrong?”

In completely unrelated news, Paramount Pictures has greenlit ‘The Big Short 2: Electric Boogaloo’.

Whilst details about the script remain under lock and key, producers have hinted that they were “Inspired by very recent events.”

“I’m not saying we’re heading for another housing market crash,” commented Adam McKay, who’s already signed on to direct the sequel. “But we’re heading for another housing market crash.”

“This one’s going to be spicier than the original, though,” McKay continued. “We’ve already cast Zach Galifianakis as Elon Musk and George Clooney as a Bitcoin.”

Alright, if that’s all the news for today, I’m off to go swap my DOGECOIN for a mansion with a view of the ocean.

For more coin news, click here: GameStop YOLOs $513M into Bitcoin

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Ima Short• June 26, 2025D

Crypto Becomes Asset For Mortgages, Fartcoin Now Worth ‘Abandoned Warehouse With No Doors’

In news that would give any boomer an aneurysm, the US Federal Housing Finance Agency has ...
Memecoins
Ima Short• D

Crypto Becomes Asset For Mortgages, Fartcoin Now Worth ‘Abandoned Warehouse With No Doors’

In news that would give any boomer an aneurysm, the US Federal Housing Finance Agency has ...
Memecoins

Dollar Tumbles After Trump Announces Son Eric To Replace Jerome Powell

The dollar dropped massively after Donald Trump said he was looking at three or four people to replace “stupid” Fed Chair Jerome Powell. And whilst everyone was kept in suspense, bookies went wild with their predictions, SBF, Tiffany Fong, and Idris Elba ranked the top choices for the role.

But Trump played a curve ball and to everyone’s surprise but mine, picked nepo baby extraordinaire, Eric Trump, maybe the worst Trump, to head up maybe the most important role in the US’s economy.

Eric Trump is well known for not really being that well known, so it’s a good choice after every other family member that Trump had in his inner circle got burned by the first administration. Other than moving some money around when maybe he shouldn’t have and then got caught, Eric has basically zero financial experience, which makes him perfect for the role.

He also enjoys skiing. 

Eric Trump seems a great replacement considering that Powell is “an average-minded person” with a “low IQ for what he does” according to Donald Trump. The insults can be added to a long list of barbs made in expense of the Fed Chair including, “Mr. Too Slow” and “Greasy Hair McGee”… that last one seems uncalled for.

Trump has also gone back and forth on whether he’ll replace the chair, suggesting a nice couch or maybe even an ottoman instead. As for the head of the Federal Reserve, he has continually threatened to replace Powell, but often walked back those statements and occasionally denied seeking his replacement.

Now he’s back on the offensive and as a result trust in the dollar is suffering, The news might mean that rate cuts are more likely. But who knows. Not me, don’t ask me.

For more news on this news, click here: Powell No Longer Invited To Trump’s Birthday BBQ

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Ima Short• June 26, 2025D

Dollar Tumbles After Trump Announces Son Eric To Replace Jerome Powell

The dollar dropped massively after Donald Trump said he was looking at three or four peopl...
Stonks
Ima Short• D

Dollar Tumbles After Trump Announces Son Eric To Replace Jerome Powell

The dollar dropped massively after Donald Trump said he was looking at three or four peopl...
Stonks

Jim Cramer Removes Michael Burry Mask He’s Been Wearing For Two Years

Mad Money host and cursed prophet of bad takes, James ‘Jim’ Cramer has revealed that he’s been in disguise as investor of Big Short fame, Michael Burry for years.

The Scooby Doo reveal explains Burry’s notoriously bad take two years ago when he simply tweeted, “Sell.” Since Burry’s post, the S&P 500 is up 50% but it’s now clear that this must have been the work of Cramer all along.

Burry Sell Tweet
Note the impressive realism in Cramer’s mask

When reached for comment, the real Burry is said to have responded, “Identity theft is not a joke, Jim!”

What exactly James Joseph Cramer was planning to accomplish with this Mission Impossible ruse will probably always remain a mystery, known only to the madness-riddled mind of Jim ‘The Joker of Wall Street’ Cramer.

Christian Bale is tipped to reprise his role as Michael Burry in the movie adaptation of this whole saga, and Louis C.K. has said he will come out of retirement to play Jim Cramer.

At the time, Burry admitted he was wrong with the Tweet that immediately preceded one of the market’s biggest rallies, commenting, “I was wrong to say sell.” It’s unclear if he meant morally wrong, or just incorrect.

Burry Your Dead

Ironically, Burry dubbed himself ‘Casandra’ on the platform after the prophet from Greek myths, blessed to always know the future but cursed to never have anyone believe her. This time, however, it was the other way around, and thankfully, no one listened to him.

J.J. Cramer, on the other hand, is less Casandra and more ‘big-bag-of-donkey-dicks-dra’, if you’ll excuse the pun. It’s been a long-running joke in the finance world that you should always bet against Cramer’s takes, to the point that there are Inverse Cramer funds that you can invest in and we have an entire ‘Cramer’ tab on this site.

But you probably knew all that, given that you’re here, reading this far into this article. I mean, if you didn’t know the joke already when you clicked on it, then what the hell are you doing? I guess you just like masks? Bit weird.

For more garbage finance news, click here: BREAKING: Jim Cramer Says “Banks Are Fine”, Market Prepares for Collapse

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Ima Short• June 25, 2025D

Jim Cramer Removes Michael Burry Mask He’s Been Wearing For Two Years

Jim Cramer has revealed that he’s been in disguise as Michael Burry for years, explainin...
Cramer
Ima Short• D

Jim Cramer Removes Michael Burry Mask He’s Been Wearing For Two Years

Jim Cramer has revealed that he’s been in disguise as Michael Burry for years, explainin...
Cramer

Jerome Powell Bullish On Crypto, Plans To Release Own Coin

US Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell has announced plans to release his own personal cryptocurrency, POWCOIN in order to cash in on recent bullishness around crypto.

Just yesterday, Powell spoke to Congress and said that banks are free to conduct crypto activities.

The Fed chair reaffirmed that, “Banks get to decide who their customers are, that’s not our decision. So banks are free to provide banking services to the crypto industry, crypto companies. Banks are also free to conduct crypto activities as long as they do so in a way that is protective of safety and soundness.”

Powell might be late to the bitcoin bandwagon, but he’s reportedly now all in on the crypto hype train. He added to his previous statement that, “Banks are also free to trade $POWCOIN which drops this week! It’s going to be massive so I suggest you get in on the groundfloor, baby! POW!”

Powell Bitcoin Announcement
An unedited photograph of Powell making the announcement

Those accusing Jay of selling out will note that he is in finance; selling out is practically a part of the job description.

Powell Announces Fed Coin

Doubling down, Powell also announced that the Federal Reserve will release a tie-in coin, FED COIN ($FED). Economists predict that within the next 6 years, FED COIN will replace the gold standard.

After phasing out cash, coins, notes, checks, credit cards, emeralds, IOUs and gentlemen’s agreements, the Fed hopes that FED COIN will soon become the only currency left and the only currency worth using.

Markets have reacted to the announcements with unusual excitement, still conflating all cryptocurrencies as one. Bitcoin boosted 14000% to reach a new all-time high. $GLOOBCOIN also reached a massive high, now worth the GDP of a small island nation for just one coin.

For more on this story, go outside, smell the air. Then come back and read this: Trump’s Top 10 Picks To Replace Jerome Powell

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Max Profit• June 25, 2025D

Jerome Powell Bullish On Crypto, Plans To Release Own Coin

US Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell has announced plans to release his own personal ...
Memecoins
Max Profit• D

Jerome Powell Bullish On Crypto, Plans To Release Own Coin

US Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell has announced plans to release his own personal ...
Memecoins

X Just Gives Up And Permanently Pins ‘WW3’ To Top Of Trending Bar

The artist formerly known as Twitter, ‘X’, has decided to just make everything easier for everyone by pinning the phrase ‘WW3’ to the top of their trending bar.

As users have been quick to point out, whenever anything even mildly destabilising happens across the world, ‘World War 3’ quickly jumps to the top of X’s list of most-used phrases.

Now, given the abundance of conflict and uncertainty for the future, X forsees ‘WW3’ not leaving anyone’s lips for a while and has made the sensible decision to pin the phrase to the top of the bar.

“WW3 and World War 3 have been by far the most trending topic of 2025,” explained X CEO Elon Musk. “Just this past week, Iran broke their ceasefire and Russia declared war on Venezuela, so I think WW3 is going to stay relevant until, I guess WW3 actually does happen, then maybe people will stop talking about it.”

Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook have followed suit by creating an entirely new tab just for the highly popular ‘WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!’ content.

Mr. Merriam Webster, the guy in charge of the dictionary, also named World War III as his word of 2025, even though World War III is three words, idiot. This guy thinks he knows words? Phhff.

Guess what their word for 2024 was? It was brainrot. Yeah. And here we are.

But what do you think? Do you think WW3 is really going to happen? Don’t just say what everyone else is saying. Don’t look at his answer, no, no copying, come on, I want to hear what you think, honestly. With all your knowledge of history and geopolitics and the launch ranges of nuclear ICBMs, do you think a third world war is really on the cards?

If it is, do you think it would even look like those wars from a hundred years ago?

Is the idea of the end of the world really the next logical option, or is it just an unshakeable hangover from the fearmongering propaganda that saturated media throughout the 20th century?

Are you scared?

Does throwing your hands up and calling it over make you feel more assured in your understanding of the world?

Do you think we will ever find hope again?

…We hope you enjoyed this humorous article! For more laugh-out-loud fun, please click here: BREAKING: Yes, War Still Going On

Latest news

Marge Incall• June 24, 2025D

X Just Gives Up And Permanently Pins ‘WW3’ To Top Of Trending Bar

The artist formerly known as Twitter, ‘X’, has decided to just make everything easier ...
Politics
Marge Incall• D

X Just Gives Up And Permanently Pins ‘WW3’ To Top Of Trending Bar

The artist formerly known as Twitter, ‘X’, has decided to just make everything easier ...
Politics