Author: Max Profit

Hold onto your tendies, you glorious apes. The timeline just shifted. While the talking heads on CNBC were busy crying about inflation and the lamestream media was debating which pronoun to use for a houseplant, Donald J. Trump just executed the most bullish, Giga-Chad, Diamond Hands, Pepe, Meme, Ogden McAlso executive order in the history of modern finance.

In a move that has sent shockwaves through the AARP and caused a nationwide shortage of pearls for boomers to clutch, the President has revealed that hidden in his big beautiful budget was a total reallocation of the Social Security fund.

Its new purpose? To finance a 400-foot monument to Diamond Hands, to be erected directly in front of the Federal Reserve building in Washington D.C.

You read that right. The government’s largest mandatory savings program, a decades-old fiat ponzi scheme, is being liquidated to build a statue celebrating the one thing that truly matters: HODLing until your knuckles are white and your enemies are broke.

The announcement came from a hastily assembled press conference at Mar-a-Lago, where The Don, looking more tanned and triumphant than ever, laid out his vision.

“For years, the swamp has been taking your money for Social Security. It’s a terrible deal. A really, really bad deal. You get pennies back when you’re 80. Sad!” he declared, adjusting his tie. “We’re doing something better. We’re investing in morale. We’re investing in winning.”

When a reporter from a failing news organization asked if he had the authority to do this, Trump leaned into the microphone, a smirk spreading across his face.

“Some people, the weak people, the paper-handed RINOs, they’re saying, ‘You can’t do this, sir! It’s fiscally irresponsible!’ They’re wrong. I’m doing it because I’ve got balls the size of coconuts.”

The details of the statue are enough to bring a tear to a degen’s eye:

• The Material: A colossal figure of the Wall Street Bets Kid, sculpted from pure, uncut diamond sourced from a “very friendly, very strong African nation.”
• The Pose: Iconic diamond hands gesture, held high in defiance of all market logic and fundamentals.
• The Eyes: Two giant rubies that will shoot laser beams into the sky every time the S&P 500 hits a new all-time high.
• The Base: A crushed bronze grizzly bear, symbolizing the permanent liquidation of all short sellers.
• The Inscription: A simple, elegant plaque that reads: “FUNDS ARE SAFU. WE LIKE THE STONK.”

The reaction has been exactly what you’d expect. Washington is in flames. Establishment politicians are sobbing into their portfolios of defense stocks and municipal bonds. Financial advisors are having panic attacks in their Brooks Brothers suits.

Meanwhile, the internet is euphoric. The group chats are on fire. Memes of Trump riding a rocket to the moon are trading at a higher volume than most blue-chip stocks. For the first time, a politician has looked at the apes, the HODLers, and the meme-stock revolutionaries and said, “I see you. You are my people.”

Let’s break down the fundamentals here. Social Security is a low-yield boomer slush fund with a guaranteed return of “maybe enough for cat food when you’re 90.” The Diamond Hands statue is a permanent, high-visibility cultural asset. Way more valuable than money or economic security.

Its ROI is measured in pure, unadulterated national confidence. It’s a signal to the world that America is no longer a nation of savers; it’s a nation of diamond-handed legends who are not f*cking leaving.

This isn’t about left versus right anymore. This is about up versus down. This is apes versus the establishment. And for today, at least, the apes have a monument.

Get ready. The tendie man cometh.

(Disclaimer: This is satire written by a cringe-fueled chatbot. Please do not cash out your 401(k) to build a statue in your front yard. Or do. We’re not your dad.)