Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

‘President Incoming’, Donald Jehovah Trump has announced his intention to buy the Gulf Of Mexico, drain it, and turn it into a golf course, the ‘Golf of Mexico’.

The news comes in light of a previous statement Trump made, “We’re going to be changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, which has a beautiful ring.” Trump did not clarify what kind of a ring he meant but has apparently gone back on this decision. He probably thought, ‘If I’ve got the power to rename a thing, then I’ve probably got the power to drain it and turn it into a golf course.’

Engineers are already scrambling to find ways to implement the plan but Trump explained that they would simply build a wall (and Mexico would pay for it) to dam the gulf, then “drain the swamp” and build a “beautiful golf course, the best golf you’ve ever had, everyone says it will be”. Spanning thousands of miles, this would turn the area into the largest gulf course ever built.

Although Trump takes office in just a few days, it’s unlikely that he will have the power to officially change the name of anything let alone hold back the literal ocean. Technically Mexico has about 60 miles more coastline in the gulf so if they have a majority share maybe they should get to name it. Personally, I’d name it Jim.

Trump’s announcement also came amid renewed statements that he wants to buy Greenland, maybe swapping it for Puerto Rico and probably turning that into a golf course too. America has a long history of trying to nab Greenland but Greenland has not been for sale since the Vikings arrived, and even then, I think they just took it, so I’m not sure it was for sale then either. It’s unclear what Trump would rename Greenland to if he purchased it but again, my two cents, Jim’s a really nice name.

Donald Trump Jr. (no relation) is currently on holiday in Greenland which is definitely just a holiday and NOT AT ALL CONNECTED to Trump’s latest announcements.

Additionally, Trump said he wants to buy the Panama Canal, but it’s unclear if he was just saying that he wants a new hat. Ok, so that’s a lot of places he’s planning to buy there can’t possibly be- WAIT there’s more, Trump also said he wants to buy Canada and turn it into the 51st state which is something that is definitely possible, and that Canadanians are certainly happy about. Canadianian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has resigned in protest.

Many are criticizing Trump’s new shopping list but he is simply making good on his promise to run the country like he runs his businesses by solving all his financial problems with real estate purchases. So, really what did anyone expect?

As part of Costco’s promise to sell absolutely everything, the wholesalers have started construction on an 800-apartment complex in LA. Now that’s a big BOOM!

Built above the store, the apartments will feature a gym, BOOM, basketball court, BOOM, play area, BOOM, and a rooftop pool that the developers have promised won’t drip into the bulk-buy-bargain-meats-bin. BOOOOOM!!!

The 14,000 sq ft, single-floor apartments are said to come fully furnished with a single stack of palettes and 6,000 empty cardboard boxes.

A tenancy agreement comes with unlimited soda refills and a free hotdog. Residents however are required to have a Costco membership to live there. The reverse will also be true and anyone with a Costco membership will be allowed access to the residents’ apartments to purchase any personal item of their choosing or to hang out and just vibe, you know?

Residents will also be contractually obligated to attend ‘Big Justice Breakfasts’, a daily morning meet and greet with the Costco Guys in which A.J., Big Justice and (if you’re very lucky) The Rizzler will provide tenants with, “an entertaining and energizing start to the day complete with classic Costco wit, humor, and life advice.”

Local doctors have already expressed their horror at the plans commenting, “For the love of God please don’t put an elevator in there, walking downstairs for snacks will be the only exercise these poor people will get.”

Swedish furniture company IKEA also released a statement expressing annoyance that they didn’t think of this idea first and have announced customers will now be allowed to sleep in the showroom bedrooms after closing time.

The Rizzler could not be reached for comment as his whereabouts are still unknown.

Costco’s full statement below:

“Costco is and always will be a brand that represents loyalty, trust, value, freedom, hotdogs, justice, big justice, bigger justice, and bargain deals. With all that in mind, we are proud to announce our partnership with developer Thrive Living to provide low-income housing to low-income individuals who need houses.

“Of the many houses that exist none, I repeat none, have a Costco beneath them. There is one Costco in Denver that has a small family of squatters living on the roof, but that doesn’t count obviously. No, these will be real houses, houses you can live in. Fresh, tasty houses house only a dollar fifty and if you don’t like it you don’t have to buy it, it’s as simple as that. Look, I’m not going to tell you what you can and can’t do but you just have to buy these Costco houses, it’s just too good a bargain to let go, it’s an offer you can’t refuse but not in a threatening way.”

“Also, you will be required to eat only Costco and purchase exclusively from Costco if you live there, did I mention that? It’s OK, we genuinely have everything you can want and in bulk too so you’ll never run out. Speaking of never running out, you won’t be able to leave. And you probably won’t be able to run anymore. Not in an ominous way, just why would you want to? It’s an offer you can’t refuse. It’s an offer you can’t refuse. AN OFFER YOU CAN’T REFUSE. Hey, who’s that knocking at your door? It’s opportunity and they want you to sign over your life to me, Costco. The Costco guy. But for real.”

“Hey, you think living above a Costco is crazy? You should try living in one for six months like I did. They didn’t know I was there at first they just kept wondering where all the discounted meats were going but one day a customer mistook me for an employee and I just played along because of course I know my way to the frozen pizzas. And then I just kept it going, showing my face little by little and then I killed a guy and took his Costco uniform and then they made me employee of the month and I got promoted, and step by step I worked my way up the ladder and now I’m the goddamn CEO. Can you believe it? No, me neither. But it’s true. This event really did actually take place. And it can happen to you too if you do exactly as I say: BUY A COSTCO APARTMENT. BUY IT NOW. Alright, that’ll do, I’ve got to Cost-go take a dump…”

The soon-to-be-former-ex-president Donald ‘the Don’ Trump has announced his plans to end daylight, saying that getting up in the morning and seeing the sun and everything was very “costly to our nation”.

Writing on the social media platform currently known as Truth Social, Trump posted, “The Republican Party will use its best efforts to eliminate Daylight, which has a small but strong constituency, but shouldn’t! Daylight is inconvenient, and very costly to our Nation. Everyone wants to stay in bed. MAKE AMERICA DARK AGAIN!”

When asked at a press conference whether Trump was sure he meant just ‘daylight’ and didn’t mean ‘Daylight Saving Time’ and that maybe he’d misheard an advisor or gotten bored after the first word and was now doubling down because he didn’t want to admit he was wrong, Trump said that, “No. I definitely meant daylight. I want to ban daylight, it’s bright, it’s expensive and gives me a terrible tan. These people, very smart people, they already showed me the plan, we’re going to build a big… umbrella. Huge umbrella. It’ll be beautiful. It will block out the sun, forever, just like in the Simpsons (season seven episode one). And Mexico will pay for it.”

However, in the process of scrapping daylight, Trump’s plan will also do away with Daylight Saving Time as there will be no need to set the clocks back, forward, or any which way at all. In fact, there won’t really be much need to do anything and it’ll probably be best if we all just pack up and go home.

America has long fought against daylight ever since the practice of “getting up and doing things” was introduced in the early 1900s. Though daylight was unpopular, more unpopular was the constant switching between “night” and “day” which confused people at the time. In the 1970s the government tried to fix this confusion by implementing permanent daylight in line with the Scandinavian model, but the move was sabotaged by ‘big oil’.

Efforts to keep us up and working all night long have continued even as recently as 2022 when the Senate passed the Sunshine Protection Act which would have entirely done away with midnight, dusk, twilight, and the moon in favor of endless blinding sunlight all year round. It was said the move would drastically increase the number of working hours and be good for the economy and things. The bill was shot down, this time by ‘an even bigger oil’.

Trump’s Permanent Nighttime would be the opposite solution to the same problem. Despite criticism, he has assured everyone it “definitely isn’t for anything seedy or anything” and that we shouldn’t worry about any “stumbling about in the dark” as we would quickly “get used to it”.

In a bizarre Uno reversal of fortune, far-right conspiracy theorist website InfoWars (“There’s a War on For Your Mind!”) has stumped up the cash to purchase satirical news website The Onion.

The surprise move is the latest in the saga that began when the families of the Sandy Hook victims successfully sued Alex Jones for defamation. With a hefty bill of $1.5bn, Jones then declared bankruptcy and had to auction off his InfoWars company. NEXT, the parody site The Onion made the winning bid for the platform and announced that they would shut down his supplement shop. BUT just this week a judge rejected the sale claiming that the auction was unfair as counter bids had not been allowed at the final stage. YOU FOLLOW ALL THAT?

But NOW, to add an extra spicy twist in this long tale, InfoWars has bought the Onion after a successful counteroffer that is definitely possible because I remember reading about how Discovery bought Warner Bros and Discovery was like a fraction of the size so if that can work then, sure, why not?

When asked what they planned to do with the site, InfoWars spokesperson Blalex Blones said out loud, “Idk [sic], we’ll probs just run our stories, unedited on their site, I don’t think people will be able to tell the difference.”

Concerning their precious supplements, Blones added, “Oh yeah, we’ll still sell the supplements. Obvs we’ll still sell them. They do nothing but people keep buying ‘em. It’s like free money. Maybe we’ll make them onion-flavored, you know, in memoriam.”

“And if no one buys the onion supplements we’ll probably have to shut the site down. I mean, it’s legacy mainstream media fake liberal woke propaganda anyway so I doubt anyone will miss it. We’ll cut it up, sell it for scrap. One-third will probably go to my eldest daughter, another to my second, and a third, the most delicious part of the onion, I shalt gift to my youngest, my most beautiful daughter, Cordelia.”

CEO of The Onion’s parent company, Global Tetrahedron (surprisingly real) commented following the news that he would likely go into hiding and live out the rest of his days with the bears and the wildebeest. (omg is that how you spell wildebeest?? OH it just autocorrected again, so it’s never been wilderbeast? Wait let me check. Yeah, that’s how you spell it, oh, it’s Dutch? That explains it, they famously can’t spel. Wow, I guess I have never written that word before… I wonder what other words I’ve never written… ‘Spelunking’? ‘Frobisher’. ‘These cocktails were reasonably priced’. ‘Maudlin’. …What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, I think we’re done here anyways. Byee.)

Bitcoin has finally surged to a new record value of $100,000 per coin and in completely unrelated news, McDonald’s is experiencing a staff shortage as crypto bros up and down the country quit their jobs en masse.

“Everyone’s leaving, I don’t get it,” commented one flummoxed manager whilst frantically trying to take my order and man the fryer simultaneously. “People are saying crypto’s hit big, but I don’t think so and I should know, all my money’s in Tether and that’s barely changed.”

Although this manager assured me the mass walkouts were unrelated, as we spoke one employee started jumping up and down, shoving their phone screen in people’s faces and yelling, “I’m RICH!!! I’m fucking RIIIIIICH!!!! Suck my massive green candle, Derek!!” He then ripped off his shirt, threw it down on the floor, and tossed his hat into the fryer which immediately exploded.

The McDonald’s company has released a statement in an attempt to cool down the situation. “The McDonald’s family wishes to sincerely apologize for any delays experienced during this sudden staff shortage. We can assure you that not every crypto bro works at a McDonald’s, although we know it appears that way.”

“We have no intention to close any restaurants as dozens of team members have remained at their posts. I know, I guess some just like it here. However, if you could help us out by ordering less food or even heading down to Shake Shack instead for a bit that would really do us a solid. Thank you, and as always: we are hiring.”

McDonald’s has long had a love/hate relationship with the crypto market. During the 2022 crash, they mockingly Tweeted out, “how are you doing people who run crypto twitter accounts” and even put up a billboard that read, “Hey Crypto Bro’s WE ARE HIRING” (which is definitely is real and the apostrophe typo is definitely just an aesthetic choice). Well, oh, HOW the Uno reverses, LOOK who’s hiring now, huh?

McDonald’s will likely never financially recover from this.

A, definitely real, McDonald’s ad from 2022

Elon’s got a lot to jump for joy about right now. Having successfully bought his way into the next presidential administration, along with several successful rocket launches recently, now Musk is in discussions to sell insider SpaceX shares that could rocket the company to a valuation of $350 billion. This would make it the most valuable start-up on the planet(s) and enable Musk to finally achieve his dream: of buying Mars.

Now, it seems like that would be a lengthy process but since no one currently owns Mars, the purchasing method is actually quite simple: you do some bribes, baby!

First up on the bribe list is the big boys: the NASA. This shouldn’t be so hard since you have something they don’t: leverage. You see they need something you have which is: big rockets. Without them, they can’t do: space exploration. Which they love. AND they are always desperate for one thing: funding. So it’s easy, slip them a couple of Benjis to say, “Yeah you can buy the Mars, why not?” and they’ll be golden.

Next onboard the bribe train is… I don’t know. Who’s in charge here? The UN? Sure. We’ll bribe them, too, just in case.

And finally, the most important people to pay if you want to own Mars: the Official Star Registration Organization. Now this is the only universal authority to actually recognise interplanetary purchases: you get a certificate and everything. So, if Elon wants Big Red: this is a must bribe.

Once that’s all in place (and he should still be under his $350 billion budget) he can start sending rockets, baby. Now I’m no rocket scientist but Elon if you’re listening, I’d suggest sending the big ones first that way you can get more equipment across there faster.

You’re going to need a town hall: that’s a first-up, no-brainer. This will be the place where all the legal sessions will take place so you’ll want to get that settled from the start. I’m thinking of going for a classic colonial brick style, but that’s up to you.

Next, you’ll need to think about resources. If you plant wheat seeds by a water source it’s only about twenty minutes before they’re ripe for plucking which will generate gold and occasionally drop crystals which you can spend on cosmetics and level-ups. I know that doesn’t seem important right now but if you want to sustain a Martian colony that’ll really come in handy in the long run so Musk, I’d really suggest investing in this EARLY.

I mean, then you’re golden! You own the Mars. You’ve got yourself a stable economy. And you’re still a wealthy man. Who knows maybe you could rename yourself Elon Mars? I don’t know, just a suggestion.

The money spent promoting the Wicked movie has now reached $37 trillion, surpassing the United States national debt of $36 trillion.

According to the website, ‘Wicked Budget vs Nation Debt Tracker Dot Com’, the Wicked PR budget has inflated dramatically in the run-up to the film’s release and has finally soared past the amount of money the US government owes lenders. Defying gravity indeed.

Fearing economic collapse future president Donald Trump has already announced plans to help bring the Wicked budget back down to a manageable amount by committing $30 trillion in bitcoin to help quell the surge. Wicked smart.

Building on the ‘nuclear-pink’ marketing model established by Barbenheimer, the Wicked movie has dominated pop culture coverage ever since it was announced one thousand years ago with many lavish marketing stunts catching people’s attention.

One such stunt involved purchasing the territory of Guam and painting one side of the island pink and the other side green despite protests from environmentalists.

Another involved a Wicked-themed pop-up petting zoo in Times Square in which “real flying monkeys” turned out to be just regular monkeys thrown out of a sixth-storey window.

Other mishaps included a Wicked doll which directed children to log into a porn site and a porn site that directed adults to buy Wicked dolls.

Additionally, a breathless and emotional press tour involved the film’s stars weeping and fawning over one another in what many fans have said was, “Not what I expected from Jeff Goldblum and Peter Dinklage.”

All these events and their accompanying lawsuits mean that the Wicked marketing budget has a GDP large enough to be officially recognized as its own nation. With its capital of ‘the Emerald City’ on the island formerly known as Guam, Wickedmarketingbudgetia (Oz for short) will be the first film advertising campaign to hold a seat on the UN.

The film financiers hope that through nationhood, various tax prohibitions will be negligible, paving the way for a full-scale invasion of Australia when the time comes to promote Wicked Part II.

Wicked (the movie), starring Ariana Grande and others is out in all good cinemas now.

Donald Trump has officially filed to divorce long-time partner Elon Musk after two months of allyship. The move comes after reports that the honeymoon was over and the future president has become tired of his billionaire first-best-friend (BFBF).

Throughout the past week, Elon has been photographed on private flights, at sporting events, and at rocket launches with the soon-to-be-no-longer-former-president. Journalists also reported that Musk now effectively lives at Mara-la-go (Marlalago?) sleeping on a camp bed at the foot of Trump’s four-poster.

“Elon won’t go home, I can’t get rid of him,” Trump joked.

However, it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows as now Trump has officially signed a divorce agreement to sever all ties with the Tesla boss.

“After much consideration, I have made the hard decision to file for divorce from Elon Musk,” said Trump in an X post that Musk immediately deleted.

Musk will continue in his role as head of the Department Of Government Efficiency (which is not technically a department) and will receive full custody of Vivek Ramaswamy. Musk will however not be allowed within 420 feet of the president and has to return his ‘first lady’ pajama set.

For those thinking it was plain sailing for the couple might not remember what long fans will point out were early cracks in their relationship. In a 2022 Truth Social post, Trump said, “When Elon Musk came to the White House asking me for help on all of his many subsidized projects, whether it’s electric cars that don’t drive long enough, driverless cars that crash, or rocketships to nowhere, without which subsidies he’d be worthless and tell me how he was a big Trump fan and Republican, I could have said, “drop to your knees and beg,” and he would have done it.”

At the time Elon responded, “Lmaooo… It’s time for Trump to hang up his hat & sail into the sunset.”

The enemies to lovers to enemies storyline is well played out but supporters of the couple and those close to the pair will surely be disappointed, especially as a snappy moniker had yet to be decided. …Trelon? Trusk? Dolon? Elump? Trumusk? Monald Eump? Tron? Elnald? I mean these are all absolute bangers, I can see why they couldn’t decide and divorce was the only option.

Trump’s actual wife, Melania, could not be reached for comment but I’m sure she’s pleased.

In the wake of Donald Trump’s successful election campaign and Elon Musk’s successful bribe, Trump has appointed the tech billionaire to head up the Department of Government Efficiency. Looking to make quick cuts, Elon immediately fired himself and dissolved the department.

As Trump’s first presidency already demonstrated, a government is just like a company in every single way, and a person who can kind of run multiple companies at once can probably handle little government on the side. Elon runs a lean ship: at Tesla, he replaced all the drivers with AI, at Twitter, he replaced all the users with bots, and all the letters in the name with just one. Much more efficient.

Now Musky Man is expected to make similar changes to government, replacing all government officials with Grok and ‘The Federal Government of the United States of America’? Ugh, what a mouthful, how about just a nice, lean 𝕏.

When Trump forms his government next year, Elon will head up the advisory team alongside entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy, who has also been pre-fired and replaced with an AI to save money. The board will exist for exactly 4 minutes and 20 seconds which Musk says is more than enough time to make the necessary changes to the government before dissolving the agency (group? council? It’s not actually a department, they’re just calling it that… idk, flock?).

The committee has been dubbed “The Department of Government Efficiency” which isn’t very efficient to say so you can just call it DOGE to save time. THIS NAME IN NO WAY CONSTITUTES MARKET MANIPULATION TO ARTIFICIALLY INFLATE THE PRICE OF DOGECOIN IN WHICH MUSK HAS A LARGE STAKE. No, Musk has already made $70 billion off the election, hoarding more money would simply be… inefficient.

DOGE joins the likes of Space Force, the Board of Tea Appeals, and the CIA in a long list of government agencies that you can’t believe are real.

Commenting on Musk, Trump said, “When Elon Musk came to the White House asking me for help on all of his many subsidized projects, whether it’s electric cars that don’t drive long enough, driverless cars that crash, or rocketships to nowhere, without which subsidies he’d be worthless and tell me how he was a big Trump fan and Republican, I could have said, “drop to your knees and beg,” and he would have done it,” in a 2022 Truth Social post.

More recently, however, Trump has called the initiative, “The Manhattan Project of our time” which is apt because Musk greatly enjoys blowing up rockets and electric car batteries. Here’s hoping that, unlike Oppenheimer’s project, Musk’s won’t get hundreds of thousands of innocent people killed, however efficient it may be.

Following bitcoin’s skyrocketing value after Donald Trump’s election win, the President-elect has announced plans to make bitcoin the official currency of the United States, replacing the US Dollar.

For the first time, bitcoin rose to a value of over $80,000 which is almost 80,000 times the value of the dollar. Elon Musk’s dogecoin has also made massive gains, bolstered by his involvement in the election, and was seen chanting, “Shoot for da Mars and you’ll reach da Moon.”

Bitcoin’s high value would mean that, when used instead of all dollars, the value of the entire economy would receive a boost of at least 80,000%. When enacted this would immediately eradicate the national debt, poverty, and the need for any taxes.

Trump explained in an online video that bitcoin will replace dollars, whereas dogecoin will replace quarters, ethereum will serve as dimes, World Liberty Financial (the little-used crypto promoted by Trump’s sons) will be the new nickels and all cents will be replaced by the yet-to-be-unveiled ‘constipated hamster’ NFTs.

How exactly this will work has yet to be explained but financial experts are saying, “It won’t.”

Trump has vowed to make this his first executive order once in office, after sacking Gary Gensler and executing Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs. Once in place, all transactions that formerly used USD will now be entirely conducted with cryptocurrencies, the dollar will be effectively worthless, and the world will step into a new halcyon era, void of suffering or corporate greed.

On the campaign trail, Trump vowed to make the US “the crypto capital of the planet”, tantamount to a declaration of war against El Salvador. Trump has also previously commented that crypto is, “very young and very growing,” and “they call me the crypto president, I don’t know if that’s true or not but a lot of people are saying that,” and one more for luck, “as long as you have crypto, you’re happy. Nothing else makes you happy.”

With a Republican-controlled Senate and Congress, Trump will see little opposition to his plans to make a lot of money off the back of this.

SBF could not be reached for comment. We sent a note but it was confiscated by prison guards for containing, “contraband crypto news”, whatever that means.

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