Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

PayPal Holdings Incorporated (PHISH) just applied to become a bank, even though they’re not a bank, you need to have walls and a door, and a bank teller called Marjorie would won’t let you withdraw $15,000 from your uncle’s account even though you have a note saying that he lets you, and it’s fine.

The move is an attempt to make use of Trump’s openness to fintech companies joining the banking sector. He’s also open to bribes, but I’d keep that in your back pocket for when you really need it.

The application to form a Utah-chartered industrial loan company was submitted to the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp and the Utah Department of Financial Institutions and oh my god I fell asleep that’s so boring.

PayPal? More like PayI’mNotYourPalFriend

If approved, this could mean PayPal can hand out more small business loans but I also is step one onto the road to winning the coveted title of ‘bank’.

Now, this could all be a clever move on the part of PayPal because if we learned anything from the 2008 financial crisis it’s that there are some banks that are too big to fail which means that the government, by which I mean the taxpayer, has to bail them out so we all don’t die.

I know how it works, the government has a big red button in a glass case somewhere and a sign above it reads, “In case of financial crisis, hit button to bail out banks.” Now that’ll automatically pay the bank CEOs the billions that they need to keep their indoor pools heated (god forbid) BUT if you’re not on that list of ‘banks’ you don’t get squat, Marjorie.

So that’s clearly PayPal’s plan, become a bank, then just sit tight and wait for the world to burn.

Good luck with that.

SpaceX is about to complete a tender offer that will send the company stratospheric and rocket it to space where the aliens are (see what I did there? It’s a space pun).

This would boost (ok, I’ll stop) the company to a valuation of $800 billion, which is more money than I currently have.

Don’t freak out, though. SpaceX isn’t a public company yet. This was an insider share sale where the stocks were valued at $421 a share/per share (p/s).

But who’s the biggest winner out of all this? Well, unless you’re a big business nerd, the answer may shock you. Are you sitting down? Ok…

It’s Elon Musk.

I know, I know, calm down, it’s unexpected. BUT the other big winner out of this is none other than Google’s parent company: The Alphabet (of English language fame).

Yeah, turns out Google is one of the biggest investors in Musk Space Venture Dot Com, and has been since at least 2015. Who knew? Not me. Hopefully them.

This news comes hot off the heels that SpaceX (SPACO) is reportedly considering an IPO (initial public option) that would rocket boost (I can’t help myself) the company to a $1 trillion dollars in money valuation.

“It’s going to be the craziest IPO in the history of the stock market,” said Shay Boloor, chief market strategist for Futurum Equities Research, in an interview in which he himself went crazy. “If it’s trying to go for $1.5 trillion, I ‌wouldn’t be surprised if it goes up to over $2 trillion once it gets open.”

To da moon!

SpaceX hasn’t had a problem raising money in the past, but a public offering might significantly increase the company’s cash flow. As any good rocket scientist, economist, and gastroenterologist will tell you, when it comes to rocket fuel, cash flow, and fecal matter: liquid is better.

But the big one to profit isn’t just SpaceX investors, it’s the big man, the man in charge, the top dog, his muskiness himself: JOHN CENA!! Jk, ELON MUSK!!

With SpaceX’s cash explosion, Musk will likely go from being the world’s richest man to being the world’s richest man but more so. Estimators estimate that he will likely reach the one trillion mark that he’s been so desperate to achieve ever since his mother didn’t love him.

Related article: Tesla Approved Elon’s $1trl Pay Package, Here’s What It’ll Take For Him to Win It

SpaceX? More like, SpaceXcusetogetmoremoneyoffpeople

The downside is that Musk will then be beholden to those pathetic snivelling losers, what are they called? Oh yeah, ‘shareholders’. Bleh.

They already kicked off when he asked for a DESERVED one trillion pay package for not quitting his job and that’s not fair, ok? Well, now they might be whiny bitches again and hold back THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE FROM GOING INTERPLANETARY.

Do you want that? No. So give us your money and don’t have any other input beyond that, got it? Ok? Ok.

Glad we could straighten that out. You may leave now.

The-Only-President-I’m-Interested-In-Personally Donald Trump, recently said that he would consider removing federal tax on gambling winnings but mainly because he knows about a sure thing on the horses tonight.

Speaking to reporters on Air Force One, which is where they all live now, Trump said that “We have no tax on tips, we have no tax on Social Security, and we have no tax on overtime. No tax on gambling winnings, I don’t know. I’m gonna have to think about that.”

Better think quick Don, because I’ve got a three-way parlay on whether you’ll cut this tax or not.

trump gambling tweet — Can’t tell if that’s an AI picture or not…

Now, this isn’t just a bribe to win votes, this could be a really boon for anyone who makes money from gambling.

So if Trump ditches the tax on winnings thing, it’s going to encourage more people to gamble, thinking they’re going to win more.

Thank you Mr. Trump!

I know who I’m voting for next election. That’s right, Jill Stein. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah…

Trump, Pump and Dump

Alright, I think that’s it from me.

Ttfn!

In related but completely opposite news: Trump Reveals Plan To Tax Gambling Losses, Degens Now 10% More Unlucky

We’re screwed.

Like, I’m not even going to attempt to write an informative, meaningful, or even entertaining article here, because what’s the point? Disney is going to let Sora AI use characters from its properties like Star Wars, Pixar, Marvel etc. and you know that phrase, if you can’t beat them, join them? Well, one of the most powerful entertainment corporations in the world feels like they can’t beat them, then who even can?

We’re screwed.

I suppose Disney had no hope of holding back the tidal wave of AI shit that’s been pouring straight into our mouths for the past few years. They’ve already been using Disney’s IP without care or retribution. Many had held out hope that Disney would be the ones to finally put a stop to all this nonsense. “Just you wait until the Disney lawyers get whiff of AI using Mickey Mouse without paying royalties!”

Well, yeah, they got whiff, and what they whiffed was a goddamn penny to be made. Now the knight you had relied on slaying the dragon has joined the dragon and now they’re both coming to burn down our whole village.

Disney AI movies — Disney took one look at this at thought, “Yep, yes please, I want exactly that but with my licensed characters in it, please.”

We’re screwed.

It’s crazy to think that this is the same, famously litigious, Walt Disney Company that once sued a preschool for painting a mural with their licensed characters, lobbied for almost a century to change copyright law so they’d keep control of Michael K. Mouse, would slam down hard if you so much as breathed their characters in an offbrand way… and now… and now that same company will let literally anyone make literally any uncanny-vallley monstrosity they feel like out of those same characters?

No, not that Disney Sora… What, you going to sue me for using this image? Well, what if I said I generated it with AI?

When will we learn? A corporation does not care about the sanctity of its brand. It never did. They don’t care about the sanctity of art. They never did. It can only follow money. It’s all it ever cared about. The only difference between OpenAI and a preschool is that there’s money to be made from Sora users.

So what’s next? I mean, the company has already shown that they will plumb the depths of their integrity to churn out shot-for-shot-but-somehow-with-the-soul-missing remakes of whatever will make them the most cash. So if AI will make them money, if AI movies will make them money, if they’re cheaper and faster than paying animators, even if the quality is far worse, then you bet your frozen head they’ll do it.

Heck, spitting on artistry and innovation might not be what Walt would have wanted, but not paying your employees? Well, that’s Disney through and through.

Either way, if you’re a fan of movies, art, fun, joy, human expression, well…

Well, we’re not quite screwed.

So long as humans exist, those things will always exist. Humans have only ever created. Only ever expressed themselves. It’s just that the forces that don’t care for those things and prefer power and money, well, those forces are about to get a bit more powerful and a bit more richerer.

The dragon is bigger. The knight has thicker armour. But this village is made of fire-retardant asbestos, bitch.

Cheap as chips

Tbf I haven’t actually heard anything about Mr Huang responding, but you can probably imagine him being mad about it. Him just seething. Just cooking in his leather jacket…

Anyways, online booksellers, ‘Amazon Dot Com’ launched their new AI chip ‘Trainium3’ on Tuesday and according to the corp servers on that chip are 4x faster, energy efficient than previous generations and are up to 40% cheaper than Nvidia’s competitor chips.

But they would say that, wouldn’t they?

“Trainium already represents a multibillion-dollar business today and continues to grow really rapidly,” Amazon Web Services CEO Matt Garman said during the tech giant’s annual event, re:Invent. Sure, like I’m trusting the guy who pressed off and on again on the internet a couple months ago.

The awkward thing is that Amazon is a massive Nvidia customer. In fact, more than 10% of Lama Zone’s capital expenditure (that CapEx to all the cool boys out there) goes to Nvidia and in return, Amazon is 7.5% of Nvidia’s revenue.

So you’re saying the money’s just going round in a circle? What’s another word for a 3D circle again? Oh yeah: a bubble.

…what does all this have to do with selling books?

Previously on, ‘Tech Oligopoly: The Series’

Back in November, Amazon got a 5% stock boost from the announcement that OpenAI will access hundreds of thousands of Nvidia graphics cards through its cloud computing service.

The deal was just one of many that OpenAI made this year. $300 billion with Oracle. $22 billion with CoreWave. Plus the ink’s only just dried on agreements with Broadcom, AMD, Nvidia and my mate Nigel who has a basement that they can use if Sharon kicks them out again.

And it looks like OpenAI might need it soon because, lady and gentleman, the bubble is at a-bursting point.

Nvidia just topped $5 trillion. OpenAI is about to be worth $1 trillion with barely any revenue (but hey, they are a non-profit). And everyone’s getting into bed with each other, assuring that if one drowns, they all drown (not sure why the bed’s in the ocean, but here we are).

Maybe at least one of those data points will change soon however, as OpenAI have started to work with Microsoft to see if they can change to a for-profit.

Let’s just see how all this pans out…

No.

Not content with an eternity in second place, silver has finally had a bigger rally than gold, doubling in value this year with a record 6% rise on Friday to a staggering $57.86 an ounce, completing a consecutive 6 days of winning.

Meanwhile, pathetic ‘gold’ only gained a shitty 0.6%, pffhhh. Yeah, it’s a record high for gold, too, but we’re used to gold being the winning metal. Boring. Move over.

Oh, wait, sorry, wrong graph, this is my heart rate, please, call an ambulance…

A Silver Lining

America’s gold reserve, Fort Knox, has said that they will be throwing all of their worthless gold into a lake and replacing it all with bars of sweet, sweet silver.

Athletes everywhere are saying they no longer want to sink their teeth into gold, but are hoping to win silver at their next competitive event.

Dictionaries have announced that they will be removing the terms ‘the gold standard’ and ‘worth its weight in gold’ and replacing the phrases with ‘the silver standard’ and ‘worth its weight in silver.’

And the next James Bond film has finally been announced, with a title to reflect this financial news, ‘Silverfinger’. Yes, the British super spy will face off against a man who covets silver above everything else like a weirdo.

FUN FACT: A kilogram of silver is heavier than a kilogram of gold!

Swedish pop group ABBA have said that they will release a new album of “even greater hits” called ‘ABBA: Silver.’

Rappers say they’ll be wearing silver grills and chains… errr… what else is gold?

Golden ticket? Golden brown? Brown sugar?

The sun? …no. Maybe that’ll do…

Needless to say, all that glitters is not gold; in fact, it might just be… something else. Silver? Maybe. Yes.

For more news that’s ‘gonna be golden’ (that’s a topical reference), read this: Gold Tops $4,000 For The First Time And The Reason Is Really Dumb

An Italian man has been arrested for alleged benefit fraud after allegedly dressing up as his dead mother, allegedly.

The alleged 56-year-old from Borgo Virgilio allegedly claimed 53,000 alleged euros annually from alleged pension payments meant for his alleged mother, allegedly hiding her alleged body rather than reporting her alleged death.

Allegedly.

Dead mom norman bates picture — I’m guessing his vibe is something like this but Italian.

It seems that he wasn’t repeatedly collecting the cheques dressed as a woman, but it was only when his mom’s ID expired that he had to go in person to get her paperwork renewed. Little problem, though: his mom was super dead.

Obviously, unless she had a really good skin routine and Mr. Man could pull off the ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ of the century, the three-year-old corpse probably wasn’t going to pass mustard (cut the muster? What’s the phrase?).

So, he had no choice: he had to Mrs. Doubtfire this shit.

As the mayor of Borgo Virgilio explained, he shuffled into the council office dressed as “an old woman,” wearing “lipstick, nail polish, jewellery and old-fashioned earrings, and had a dark brown bob of hair.”

Queen.

Dead Gorgeous

It was only thanks to the staff members’ deep-seated transphobia that the man was quickly spotted as a fraud.

The workers noticed that his neck “was a bit too thick and even the wrinkles were strange”, allegedly. “The skin on his hands did not seem to be that of an 85-year-old woman.”

So there we go, the investigation’s ongoing, but if there’s a lesson to be learned from all this, kids, it’s that you should really moisturize.

For more crazy true crime stories, don’t bother with a podcast, read this: NBA Stars And Mafiosi Arrested In Gambling Sting Worth Tens Of Millions

You might have seen that Elon Musk attended Donald Trump’s big dinner with MBS (mortgage-backed securities), implying that the hatchet has been buried, the beef has been quashed and my parents are finally getting undivorced.

So two morally bankrupt billionaires attended a dinner with a journalist murderer but could there be something more sinister going on? Could the entire feud have just been a carefully orchestrated economic distraction?

Probably not. That seems about too clever.

…but maybe.

I mean, look at the timeline. Trump gets into power, announces Elon as his VP, and the economy’s doing fine. But then the beef starts, they call each other pedophiles (a classic move) and Trump kicks Musky man out his (white) house. Things are looking shaky so the economy crashes, all their rich friends can buy in cheap and now, the moment we get another lil boost with this whole Nvidia thing, they’re apparently back together.

It’s the perfect crime.

I don’t know if you watch Love House? It’s a Netflix reality show and it’s pretty good but basically Cassie and Christie were beefing because Christie slept with Troy so then Cassie and Troy broke up but then in the next episode Cassie and Christie were like best friends and then it’s like, were they actually beefing? Or did they both just want an excuse to get rid of Troy?

So anyway, this Trump and Musk thing is just like that.

Also I made all that up, Love House isn’t real. But it should be. Then Trump and Musk could live there.

We’ll see how this plays out but I definitely learned one thing from this situation and it’s don’t get back together with your ex, they’ll only break your heart again.

Nvidia, the $5 trillion dollar company that seems to be holding up the entire economy, reported their long-awaited quarterly earnings recently, and boy, did they earn.

$57 billion in revenue and $65 billion predicted for the next quarter. Whew. Hold on, I need to lie down.

In a statement, CEO of Leather Jackets, Jensen Huang said, “Blackwell sales are off the charts, and cloud GPUs are sold out. We’ve entered the virtuous cycle of AI. The AI ecosystem is scaling fast — with more new foundation model makers, more AI startups, across more industries, and in more countries. AI is going everywhere, doing everything, all at once.”

Shit, was that an em—dash? Did Huang just use AI to make a statement about how AI is cool? Dang, I respect the hustle.

So maybe there is no bubble? Or there is, but it’s made of steel or something, idk. At the very least it’s still expanding since Nvidia’s boosted stock for all the other AI companies like AMD (up 4%), Micron (up 2%), Amazon, Google, Meta, Microsoft, Al’s Neon Tires And Roll On Slacks (wait, that’s Al, like Albert, not A.I., sorry I git mixed up…) all received gains from the rally.

Here are some more numbers that I don’t understand: “For Q3, Nvidia saw earnings per share (EPS) of $1.30 on revenue of $57.01 billion. Analysts were anticipating EPS of $1.26 on revenue of $55.2 billion, according to Bloomberg consensus data. The company saw EPS and revenue of $0.81 and $35.1 billion, respectively, in the same period last year. The AI giant’s data center business brought in $51.2 billion versus estimates of $49.3 billion. Nvidia’s gaming revenue was $4.3 billion, just short of the $4.4 billion estimate.”

…Sorry, I fell asleep. What did I miss?

But yeah, things are good it seems so once again, thank you Nvidia.

I pledge Allegiance to Nvidia in the United States of America and to the AI chips for which it stands, one nation under Trump, indivisible, with fast internet speeds and cool neon camera glasses for all.

The valuation is $230 billion, there you go, saved you some time…

It turns out that Elon ‘Smells’ Musk is still not content with the dubious title of ‘richest man in the world’ and wants to be a bit richer. No, a $70.5 billion net worth and a trillion-dollar pay package doesn’t buy you much these days, so Musky-man’s in the market for $15 billion to go towards his AI startup, xAI (XAAIAA.PVT).

‘Startup’? What are we even talking about? OpenAI is apparently a startup, these aren’t cobbled together by teenagers in a garage, what are you talking about?

The equity ask would give xAI (and that’s not one of his kids, just to clarify) a valuation of $230 billion dollars worth of money (USD), which is more than double what it was back in March. I’m sorry, guys, are we looking at the same product here? We’re still talking about the creators of MechaHitler right? You’re saying that’s worth $230 billion? I guess they know something we don’t…

Definitely not a Nazi — Any implied connection with the Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei is purely coincidental.

I mean xAI has seen rapid growth over the last two years from not existing at all to existing now. With the flagship product: Grok and the not quite so flagship product: Spicy Grok, xAI have really made a name for themselves, even if that name is completely unpronouncable.

xAI? More like, x-A-WHY-is-this-company-so-valuable?

Tesla’s also getting in on the action with stockholders approving an investment in the company earlier this month. So I guess we’re just moving money round in circles so long as it’s in Elon’s orbit? That’s just money laundering, right?

xAI hopes to rival OpenAI and Claude and Google AI and Bing AI for AI dominance in the AI space which should be easy because Bing sucks.

We’ll see how this plays out though. Will Elon take over the world or will FOMO push him closer to become the man who finally pops the bubble?

For more high-quality journalism like this, click here: Elon Musk Smells

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