April, 2025 | Wall Street Memes

It’s been a busy week, what with Trump threatening Fed Chair Jerome Powell, then saying that he wouldn’t fire him, even though, oh boy, does he want to. At the same time, Elon Musk has said he plans to spend less time on DOGE in order to focus on bringing Tesla out of its stock nose dive.

Well, now the dynamic duo has announced a plan that could kill two birds with one stone. Picture this: no more Jay Powell AND Tesla stock goes up with a ground-breaking tech demo, all in one move.

That’s right, they’re going to replace JP with a Tesla bot.

Now, they claim that Trump has no plans to fire him and the bot is “just for decoration” but he’s lean, he’s mean, he’s a fighting machine what else would you build a robot for but managing the federal reserve? This ain’t ‘Mr. Too Late’ this ain’t no ‘Major Loser’ this is advanced robotics at the cutting edge.

The Tesla Optimus was initially pitched as an AI android helper but secretly it was actually designed for one job and one job only: setting the interest rates to a level that makes Trump happy.

If all goes according to plan, the Tesla Optimus will be sworn in next week and start Chairing the fuck out of that Fed before the end of the month.

Naturally, Tesla will have complete control over the robot and thus the entire economy. Call it a ‘backdoor DOGE’ if you like. And finally Trump will be happy.

And to those naysayers saying this is unconstitutional and that you can’t have a robot running the Federal Reserve, Musk already has a response for you, “Shut up.”

The only thing the Constitution says about robots is that we’re not allowed to build a robot Abraham Lincoln and guess what? Disney already did it so I feel like we can just throw out that whole document now can’t we?

I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords and truly believe that an economy married inextricably to Tesla stock is a healthy one.

The former Mr. Powell declined to comment on this piece.

For more on this story click here: Trump’s Top 10 Picks To Replace Jerome Powell

Welcome back to Wall Street Memes, your only source for news, memes, and streets named after walls (West Wall Street, Midland, Texas, anyone?).

But we’re also the home of top bets, tips, stakes, and bets, so read on below for our round-up of the top 5 degen bets this week! This is not financial advice!

5. Stonks

Now this is where Wall Street comes to play. The Stonk Market has been more volatile than ever, jumping up and down every time Trump sneezes. Who’s to say if it’s going to go up or down or a secret third direction, but for the right players, there’s some big gains to be made.

4. Soccer

Not just a European sport now, soccer is even played in places as far as Spain and even France now. There are games every weekend if you know where to look. Who’s to say if the teams will win or lose or a secret third option that I’m told is called a draw? Wtf, wtf is that? Ok, well, you can bet on that if you want, you maniac.

3. Horse

There is horse. Horse is for bet. Bet on horse. Horse bet. Money to horse. If horse win. More money. If horse lose. Horse keep money. Bet more on horse. Horse bet on you betting more. Horse race. Horse race each other. You race horse. You. Money. Horse. Race. Horse. Understood?

2. Jai Alai

Look, I don’t know about you, but I never heard of this sport until 30 seconds ago. It’s like squash or tennis, but all the players have these giant mutated hands so they can throw balls harder and not much else. The J is pronounced like an H, so you know it’s exotic, but it’s also not there’s loads of games happening all the time right here in Florida, and you’re supposed to bet on it so maybe look into that.

1. Yourself

Look, if you’re looking for a solid bet, look no further than the mirror. You should take them gains and put them all on you, son. If there’s ever been a sure bet, it’s my guy right here. The best odds, the only odds you can control, that’s all you. Believe in yourself, you goddamn angel. Bet on you.

And that’s it! Be sure to follow along for more tips and tricks in the coming minutes. Happy good luck!

Richest man in the world and part-time most powerful man in the world, Elon Reeve Musk (‘erm’ for short) has announced that he will be significantly cutting back from his work at DOGE in order to focus on his kids, no, wait, sorry I meant Tesla.

Erm has 14 children, but they’ve all got their own thing going on. However, Tesla stock has taken a massive hit this year and needs some more of that invaluable Musky attention.

But CEO Elon Musk assures stockholders that this is all part of the plan. Tesla stock is actually programmed to self-drive in this direction.

When asked to clarify by a confused everyone, Musk took to X to explain that, “We have a feature with the Tesla autopilot where, when there’s an emergency, the stock will just drive headfirst into a pit, making a really cool explosion. It’s all part of DOGE’s cost-cutting measures, after all, a bankrupt company has to downsize, saving everyone money.”

Elon reportedly set the company to self-drive mode while he was away. Now that it’s driven off a canyon, however, Musk will return to take the wheel and spend just one to two days a week on DOGE.

So Long Elon

DOGE, or if you want to be more efficient you can call it “the (not technically a department) Department of Government Efficiency (like the dog meme)”, is just one of the many government organizations you can’t believe are real alongside Space Force, the Board of Tea Appeals, and the CIA.

Even though another layoff would make DOGE more efficient, it seems unlikely that Musk will step down completely from DOGE because he paid a lot of money to get there.

As Trump’s first presidency already demonstrated, a government is just like a company in every single way, and a person who can kind of run multiple companies at once can handle little government on the side. Elon runs a lean ship: at Tesla, he replaced all the drivers with AI, at Twitter, he replaced all the users with bots, and all the letters in the name with just one. Much more efficient.

And Musky Man has now made similar changes to government, replacing all government officials with Grok and ‘The Federal Government of the United States of America’? Ugh, what a mouthful, how about just a nice, lean 𝕏.

Commenting on Musk in a 2022 Truth Social post, Trump said, “When Elon Musk came to the White House asking me for help on all of his many subsidized projects, whether it’s electric cars that don’t drive long enough, driverless cars that crash, or rocketships to nowhere, without which subsidies he’d be worthless and tell me how he was a big Trump fan and Republican, I could have said, “drop to your knees and beg,” and he would have done it.”

Nicola Tesla Said To Be ‘Rolling In Grave’

As for Tesla, reportedly, they have delivered just 336,681 cars this quarter, compared to 386,810 last year. Now, I’m no mathematician, but those look like the exact same numbers to me.

This development follows a difficult year for TSLA. Even though President Trump has pledged to replace the presidential motorcade with Cybertrucks, the car company took a bigger hit from the new auto tariffs. In response, Musk introduced new three-wheeled Teslas to work around Trump’s 25% tariff (you can’t tax a quarter if you’re missing a quarter!).

Teslas have also been hit by vandals over the past few weeks, and a suicide fire-worker in January. Similarly, Musk’s ‘Cyberlegs’ project failed to materialize. Man, sucks to be the richest man alive, huh.

But all of this is a footnote to Tesla’s real problem: China.

China is pulling ahead as the largest EV market in the world, making them cheaper, hotter and more Chinese than anything Tesla could possibly make. Now, I might not be Chinese, but I sure can recognize when I see a premium vehicle and a quality product. That’s the kind of feeling you get from a Chinese EV.

Elon's competition — Chinese EVs: ‘Better than you expected!’

Wall Street Memes is proudly sponsored by: ‘China’. Enter the code SELLOUT at the checkout for 2% off your next purchase.

Gold has reached an ATH (all-time highest amount), rising to over $3,500 an ounce for the first time, making it one of the most precious metals in the world.

The boost comes after Donald J. Trump (the president) started fresh beef with the Federal Reserve Chair Head, Jerome Powell, and called him mean names. Coupled with a frightening stock drop, investors are now turning to gold as the new “gold standard”.

Some are now saying that gold is “worth its weight in gold”; however, others are saying that it’s not. Only time (and this set of old-timey scales) will tell.

In a matter of weeks, gold and gold related products might reach $4,000. Which is a lot of money to spend on gold if you’re really not planning on doing anything with it.

The dollar was once the stable currency global investors could rely on, but now with the volatility of the dollar (dollatility if you will), investors are turning to the far more stable and never fluctuating gold for investment opportunities.

Dow Jones (I’ve never met him but I’ve heard he’s lovely) has made his hardest drop since he used to DJ during the great depression. This is scary because that was a bad time. Historians predict that various 1930s trends are likely to make a comeback, including hobos and old-timey scales.

Gold And Days

Gold has long been popular amongst money people not only because it’s shiny but also because, unlike other currencies, it’s real.

Metal buffs will tell you that gold is one of the most golden-colored metals ever discovered. When first discovered, gold prospectors saw gold as rare because they hadn’t found much of it yet.

Since then, however, much more gold has been discovered, mostly in the ground. Gold owners across the world have attempted to make gold more valuable by naming expensive things like memberships and casinos after the metal.

Only now has this investment finally paid off, making fictional characters such as Goldfinger and Scrooge McDuck millionaires.

For more on this story, click here over there somewhere…

President Donald Trump has lashed out at Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell, calling him “a major loser” and “Mr. Too Late” for not lowering interest rates. With his firing potentially imminent, here are Trump’s Top 10 picks to take over the position.

1. SBF (essbeef)

Sam Bankman-Fried has done more than enough to prove his financial chops. Hell, he’s got ‘bank’ in his name, who better to lead the finances of this country? Now, there is the little matter of the whole ‘prison’ thing, but that’s nothing that a bit of presidential pardoning can’t fix.

2. Kanye

…West, that is. He’s a loose cannon. A renegade. And you know what? Maybe that’s exactly what the fed needs right now. Sure, there was that whole thing with his cousin and with the Nazis and, yes, he ran against Trump but my enemies enemy is my friend and a friend in Ye is a friend indeed.

3. Tiffany Fong

Who? Oh, the crypto influencer that Elon offered to have a child with. Yeah, sure, why not, throw her into the mix. The important thing is that we make HEADLINES. Ok?

4. Barron

Now, Barron’s a good kid. Maybe the best kid. And he knows his crypto more than anyone. He’s talking about crypto, he’s a fan, he knows how to use his wallet. What’s a wallet? Well, he’s using it. So he’s a good pick.

5. Scrooge McDuck

If anyone understands money, it’s a man with a giant pile of money in his house. Now that’s the kind of guy I want in charge of interest rates, that’s for sure.

6. No One

Now, this is the most controversial take, but do we even need a chair? Can’t we just sit on the floor? It’s long been the belief of notable economists like me that the Fed can just run itself. If anything, it would be an improvement from that good-for-nothing POWELL.

7. Jerome Powell

A late entry to the field, this is a completely different Jerome Powell, absolutely no relation to the previous JP. Yes, he looks very similar, but this Jerome has a large mustache, so it can’t be the same one.

8. Elon Musk

I mean, does he need an introduction? Musk’s been doing a great job with the DOGE and all that, so I could think of no one better to lead the economy of the country than someone who will do exactly what Trump tells him to.

9. A Can Of Beans (bean can)

This is my personal favorite pick. The thing is, what’s the Fed chair got to do but sit there and look pretty? I reckon a can o’ beans is the prettiest gal on the block, I’d give her a shot, sure, how hard can it be!

10. JD Vance

Ehh, ok, fine, if we really have to, like if we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel, I guess he’ll do. I GUESS WE COULD SETTLE. I mean, he doesn’t have much on his plate. He’s not that busy, he could probs do the Fed on the side. Not well, mind you, not a good job, but he’d do A job, sure.

And for a secret eleventh option: Hawk Tuah To Replace Jerome Powell as Fed Chairman

Jay Dee ‘JD’ Vance has pleaded not guilty to the murder of Pope Francis despite being the last man to see him alive and having a compelling motive.

The Vice President met with THE Pope to admonish him for not wearing a suit and not saying thank you mere HOURS before he died of an unrelated lung something.

The Vatican will now hold a Conclave to solve the crime of the murder of the Pope. Just like in that movie, oh, what was it called? Oh yeah, the Da Vinci Code. So that’s pretty fun. Although a man did die, so that’s not fun.

Pope Francis previously objected to Trump’s anti-migration policies, so it was a lil awks with the Vance. A lil tense.

Some are saying this is maybe motive enough, but to me, that’s a red herring. I reckon the real murderer was the person you least expect, like God.

Alright, that’s enough of that, back to the news.

Look, we’ve all got more important things to be doing, but Jonathon David Vance has just been awarded the award for biggest fumble, which he then promptly fumbled.

The award comes in response to the Ohio State football team’s visit to the White House, in which he tried to pick up the trophy but by the base and then shouldered the top so the whole thing tipped over him, and it was all just a mess.

To be fair to him, why is the top detachable from the base? For easy storage? In case the display shelf is too big?

Now Vance has been awarded the National Society of Fumblers’ highest accolade: the Golden Fumble. The trophy itself is a giant hand holding the base of an award and looks rad.

The trophy was presented to Vance in a ceremony this week; however, when the award was handed to the Vice President, he tried to pick up the trophy by the base and then shouldered the top, so the whole thing tipped over him, and it was all just a mess.

The crowd was delighted and exploded into applause and presented him with another award, which he fumbled too, and then the same thing happened again, and the whole thing continued late into the night.

Vance then gave a speech in which he said he was honored to receive the award, however, he did not say thank you once.

When asked about the National Society of Fumblers’ historic sex crimes, Vance declined to comment and then ran away.

For more news like this one, just shut your eyes and imagine a world more peaceful than this.

It’s quiet in the halls of the White House today. A dark cloud has descended over the Washington skies. Pumpulina, the Capuchin monkey who decided tariffs for foreign exports, has sadly passed away at the age of six.

Pumpulina was born in the Cincinnati Zoo and lived there until one zoo keeper noted that she would become particularly involved in distributing food to other monkeys. The keeper contacted a local economist who brought Pumpulina away for study.

As it turned out, Pumpulina was extremely adept at applying economic tariffs to foreign exports. When given a toy globe, Pumpulina would identify the country she would like to be tariffed by throwing her own faeces at the map. Researchers would then determine the size and pungency of the tariff by how much shit had been thrown.

It wasn’t long before this phenomenal ability caught the attention of Washington.

After earning an honorary degree in economics from Harvard, Pumpy finally received the highest honor a monkey can receive when she was granted unrestricted control of tariffs on foreign exports during Trump’s second term.

Monkey Business

Pumpulina was all ready to bring the United States into a new era of unprecedented economic prosperity however, Pumpulina unfortunately contracted rabies mere days before Trump took office.

None of the staffers seemed to notice the monkey’s increasingly erratic behaviour and illogical economic decisions. They were all blinded by Lil Pump’s former brilliance.

Pumpu-Baby decided to incur massive tariffs that increased over time and then u-turned on a bunch of others in a strategy that would only make sense to a rabid monkey. Everyone went along with the choices, however, because, of course, the Pump-inator knows what she’s doing.

But rabies comes for us all in the end, and Ms. Pumpulina tragically lost her long battle with the debilitating virus, passing away in her sleep this Friday.

Pumpulina will receive a state funeral and be buried in the Capitol Rotunda.

And the tariffs are likely to get a bit more sensible from now on.

Rest In Peace, Pumpulina.

Snack company, Frito-Lay has claimed it’s going to lose $5.5 billion dollars (USD) after Washington has placed new restrictions on the export of H20 chips, which I guess is just plain salted flavor?

Ok, I’m reading it now… the H20 chip is an ‘artificial chip’? So I guess it was grown in a lab? Yeah, still not clear what flavor it is, but I guess base level it’s salted, right? Apparently, the Chinese couldn’t handle the more powerful H100 chip, so I guess that one was super spicy.

It was this H20 chip that developers of DeepSeek snacked on whilst building their breakthrough AI model so who knows what they’re going to eat now. Pringles? Ew.

But how can this be profitable for Frito-Lay? I hear you ask. Well, that’s just the point, it can’t. This sucks. This fucking sucks. Frito-Lay is the greatest snack company I can name. They got Doritos, they got Lays, they got them cheesy Cheetos. And to see them take a 14-point stock dive on this? My god. I vomited into my underwear. If America can’t look after the bastions of its snack industry, then is nothing sacred anymore?

“THIS IS DISGUSTING!” claimed Chinese snack connoisseur Steven Steven. “CHIPS ARE A HUMAN RIGHT!”

Look, Steven’s right, chips are a human right and China eats a lot of chips and if you’re going to let Frito-Lay die? I’m going to come for you.

The snack-pocolyse is the latest tremor in Trump’s trade tariff trauma. He’s cut down on cars, steel and greebling. Put on your hats kids, because it’s only got to get more shaky from here.

Oh, and Nvidia’s also hit too, or something, I guess.

Anyway, I’m hungry now.

Unmasked singer, Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson, AKA Katy Perry, has opened up about her struggle with adjusting to life back on Earth following her marketing stunt, sorry, ‘mission’ to visit the atmosphere of Earth, sorry, ‘space’.

“How do I describe my experience?” said Perry on the Blue Origin livestream, “Well, to quote my popular song, E.T. ft Kayne West, ‘It’s supernatural: extraterrestrial.’”

“When you are weightless in space, you feel, how do I put this… weightless. And you look out into the infinite black void of space, and it just feels so much bigger than the infinite black void of your career. Really gives you perspective, you know?”

Perry, who spent a total of four minutes in space, now says she is finding Earth life challenging, “I dropped a coffee cup the other day thinking it would just float there, but it didn’t. Now, I sleep standing up and I can’t eat anything that isn’t astronaut ice cream.”

Taking Up Too Much Space

The 40-year-old singer now plans to make her return shortly, but this time on a one-way trip.

“I just feel I must return. Space is my true home now. I need to be amongst the stars with the lizard men of Gylorp 5. Wait, I wasn’t supposed to mention them. Can you cut that bit out?”

Perry has booked passage on NASA’s first mission to Mars planned for 2035. Whereas all other crew members will serve the roles of engineers, doctors, and scientists, Katy will be the mission’s “Bard” and “Perform some of the many hits from my catalogue and just keep the love flowing. Trust.”

This Mars mission will be one-way for Perry, who claims she hopes to die on the red planet.

“To infuse my red blood with the red earth would bring God one thousand smiles.”

Katy Perry’s single, ‘Firework’, is out now.

Insightful Perspective

Just for giggles, here’s Perry’s post-landing interview answers in full:

Interviewer: How do you feel?

“I feel super connected to love, so connected to love I think this experience has shown me you never know how much love is inside of you like how much love you have to give and how loved you are until the day you launch.”

Why was it important to bring a daisy?

“Daisies are common flowers but they grow through any condition they grow through cement they go through cracks they grow through walls they are resilient they are powerful they are strong they are everywhere flowers are to me God’s smile but it’s also a reminder of our beautiful earth and the flowers here and God’s smile and the beautiful magic that is everywhere all around us and even in a simple daisy so to really appreciate it and remember it and take care of it and protect it.”

What was the song you sang up there?

“What a wonderful world.”

Why was that important to sing that particular song?

“I’ve covered that song in the past and um obviously like my higher self is always steering the ship because I had no clue that one day I would decide to sing a little bit of that in space but I think that it’s not about me it’s not about singing my songs it’s about a collective energy in there it’s about us it’s about making space for future women and taking up space and belonging and it’s about this wonderful world that we see right out there and appreciating it this is all for the benefit of Earth.”

Where does this experience rate for you?

“This experience is second to being a mom yeah that’s it and that’s why it was hard for me to go because that’s all my love right there and and I have to surrender and trust that the universe is going to take care of me and protect me and also my family and my daughter because like I am full up from being able to get that gift of be being a mom and and to go to space is incredible and I wanted to model courage and um worthiness and fearlessness.”

What was your mom’s reaction:

“I have only seen my mom and I was like “Are you okay mom?” She just She just knew she knew she was totally okay and I I’m sure she was speaking in tongues underneath her breath as she does um all the time she would do that for anything else but definitely today um but she was so super confident my mom she has this thing where she can see i mean even down to the name of like the capsule being tortoise.”

“I just asked for a sign from the heavens from my angels and they’re like “Well here’s the feather which is what your mother calls you.” And if that’s not enough the capsule is named tortoise which is your second nickname that your mother calls you i’m like “Okay I’m going i’m going i got the message and I’m going to get the message.”

Describe the moment you took off and landed.

“I mean it is the highest high and it is surrender to the unknown trust um and this whole journey is not just about going to space it’s the training it’s the the team it’s the whole thing I couldn’t recommend this experience more this is like up there with all the you know different um tools that I’ve learned in my life for meditation to the Hoffman process this is up there because what you’re doing is you’re find you’re like really finding the love for yourself because you got to trust in yourself on this journey and then you’re feeling the love when you come down for sure and you’re feeling that strength so I feel really connected to that strong divine feminine right now.”

Will you write a song about this experience?

“Oh for sure and not only that I um got to reveal my set list for the tour on a butterfly how apppropo incredible just flying in space i don’t know if anyone’s ever in space i don’t know if anyone’s ever done that before so I’ll just…”

“10 out of 10, that’s my review. Definitely go for it. 10 out of 10.”

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5. Stonks

4. Soccer

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