Bill Fold | Wall Street Memes

Disney! Everyone’s favorite parasitic-organism-nourished-solely-off-childhood-nostalgia has a big shake up incoming with the appointment of its first CEO not called Bob in 21 years.

Internally, the company is very stressed about the change since the word ‘Bob’ has now become synonymous with ‘CEO’. Employees are reportedly asking one another whether new CEO Josh D’Amaro should be called as such, or be referred to as Bob D’Amaro. It’s probably easier that way. Yeah, he should just legally change his name.

So with such a massive shakeup, here’s a brief list of everything Josh/Bob might be looking at changing.

More live-action remakes!

The thing is, there’s not been enough lately. Sure, some say that the well has dried up but what we’re forgetting about is that they make SO. MUCH. MONEY. If we’ve run out of cartoons to live-action/CGI-ify why not start remaking the live-action films in live-action? And just rinse and repeat until the sun implodes.

A Disney/Netflix/WarnerBros merger

Isn’t it inevitable? Once Netflix buys the WB at last it will be big enough to consume its ultimate rival and become one with its very essence! At last, the prophecy will be fulfilled! DisflixBros will conquer the world!!!

A price hike for Disney+ subs

Idk, probably though.

A.I. Disney movies

Yeah, this one isn’t a joke though as previous Bob’s final act was to secure a deal with OpenAI’s Sora to allow them to use Disney’s IP (idea products). This doesn’t necessarily mean Disney itself will produce and distribute AI features (like, probs not, it’s just not good enough yet) but it is a clear bet that AI has some kind of a future in the entertainment ecosystem and Disney wants a cut of that pie before the knockoffs take their cut for them. Hey, I’m being ripped off, I at least want to get paid for it.

What else? Nah, actually I think that’s probably it. Yeah, I think we’re done here.

Imagine it, you’re a sweaty loser working for buttons at your local Walmart stacking shelves and dreaming of a better life. Well, maybe you don’t need to imagine if this is you. Either way, I have some exciting news for you: there is a light at the end of the stockroom tunnel.

Guiding the way is John Furner who started as an hourly employee at the ‘mart and now runs the whole goddamn company.

And I’m not just talking about any company, I’m talking the largest company in America by revenue and the top of the Fortune 500. Yeah, I’m talking about Wal-Martin (or Walmart for short).

So how did he do it? Well it’s actually quite straightforward. Starting in the garden center department, Furner studied marketing management on the side and worked his way up to store manager, then district manager and buyer, then divisional general manager in corporate and then VP of global sourcing before running merchandising and marketing for two years in China.

Oh and also he was CEO of Sam’s Club at one point.

So it’s easy! Basically just one step.

And you can do it too if you actually got off your ass and made something of yourself. I know it’s hard, but that’s what improvement feels like, it’s difficult and painful because you’re learning, because your building up a habit you schmuck. So come on, get out there and become CEO of Walmart!!!

…It’s AI

Meta just had its Q4 earnings and with its plans to spend $135 billion on AI this year, everyone’s like yeah, that sounds like a great plan, yeah, here, have all the money.

So Meta stock is up.

BUT on the other hand, Microsoft had its Q2 earnings (what? Are they in a different time zone or something?) and their cloud revenue topped $50 billion, their overall revenue is up and their AI division is booming thanks to a mega investment in ChatGPT.

So Microsoft stock is down.

…wait, what? Wtf, jesus, ok, I really don’t understand how stocks work, what is this?

I literally don’t get anything.

Also, by the time you’re reading this is could all be completely different. You know what we should have one of those live stock trackers, that would be really cool.

In other news we’ve got the S&P topping out, the Nasdaq and Gold are up.

Oh, also oil is going a bit wild atm because of some drama in Iran, but we’ll see how that pans out.

Now we’re all waiting on Apple’s earnings to get a complete picture of the tech sector/the economy.

Watch this space!

Silver and bronze take second and third place, respectively

Gold (GLD) continued its meteoric rise over the weekend to become one of the most valuable metals in the world, beating out other popular metals like zinc, stainless steel and thallium.

This first time, all-time high (ATH) is part of an ongoing rally caused by uncertainty in the US dollar (USB), caused by uncertainty in the markets generally, caused by tariffs and all that Greenland stuff, which was caused by Trump, which was caused by his mother probably not hugging him enough as a kid or something.

gold price graph — graph go up. graph green. graph good.

And whilst fictional characters like Scrooge McDuck and Goldfinger are rolling in a big pile of money right now, not everyone’s so chipper about the sitch.

Robin Brooks, Senior Fellow at the Brookings Institution, explains that, “The rise in precious metals prices is breathtaking and profoundly scary [and] part of something much bigger…”

Ok, that’s not ominous at all.

“We’re at the start of a global debt crisis,” he continued, “with markets increasingly fearful governments will attempt to inflate away out-of-control debt.”

Oh shit, what?? Why did no one tell me this?!?!

“A falling dollar will super-charge the rise in gold prices and the debasement trade [that’s buying gold when the economy’s bad like in times of war because it’s more stable than the dollar or bitcoin or whatever btw Robin Brooks didn’t say any of this, I’m adding this in here, I’ll let him talk now…] because it boosts the purchasing power of non-dollar buyers,” Brooks wrote.

Gold And Days

It’s true that during major conflicts, gold rallies. During world war one, world war two and the civil war we saw this first hand… well, not first hand, we weren’t there. Well, I’m assuming you weren’t there. I wasn’t there. If I had been though I probably would have bought some gold.

On that point, the Dow Jones to Gold ratio is now at a level only seen 4 times in history: 2026, 2008, 1973 and 1929. Every single time this has happened it’s marked a fundamental change to the economic system: the Banking Act of 1933, the Convertibility of the Dollar 1971 and the Economic Stabilization Act of 2008.

Now, what does this mean? Is World War 3, the big triple double-ya, or some other market crash on the horizon? Well, probably not, but either way, this gold rally wouldn’t predict it. These markets are reactive, not predictive. The gold isn’t saying there will be war, it’s saying there is war right now. …hadn’t you noticed?

SO, who’s to know if we’re in for another financial crisis or not. Either way, just rest assured that unless you’re a billionaire, you will suffer worst and suffer first.

Basically, Graham Walker sold his family business Fibrebond Corp for $1.7 billion (a million million) dollars but put aside $240 million dollars from that sale to pay every one of his workers about $443,000 each.

But imagine being the guy who sees the sale on the horizon, your contract’s about to run out, you’ve got another potential job offer and you’re like, yeah, it’s 100% time to jump ship. And then just DAYS after you leave it all behind you hear that everyone got almost half a million dollars??

I’d be pissed.

ceo million dollar bonus meme — Here’s where I stole that joke from.

Or what about the contract workers, the people just on the fringes of qualifying for whatever conditions you need to get this bonus? Tough brakes, man.

OK, but don’t get annoyed on behalf of these hypothetical people you’ve never met, just yet, because there’s one massive string attached to this deal that’s so big it’s more like a noose.

To get this massive payout, you have to stay on at the company for another five years.

FIVE YEARS?! That’s a death sentence! In five years I could be the CEO. I’m not going to be but I could. I’m just saying it’s a long time is all. Is it really worth the money?

The reasoning is of course so people don’t immediately quit and retire to a carrot farm, but as Fortune puts it, this has to be “one of the largest—and stickiest—retention packages in recent memory.”

You know what, the Fortune coverage of this is better than anything I could plagiarise, go read that instead, I’m just going to copy and paste the next bit:

“When envelopes detailing the surprise payouts landed, reactions on the factory floor ranged from disbelief to tears, with some workers initially assuming it was a prank or a camera trick. Longtime employee Lesia Key, who started at Fibrebond in 1995 at $5.35 an hour, told the Journal that she used her bonus to pay off her mortgage and open a clothing boutique after years of living paycheck to paycheck. Others cleared credit-card balances, paid college tuition, or boosted retirement savings, even as many were startled to see taxes claim close to a third of their checks and to realize that quitting early would mean walking away from hundreds of thousands of dollars.”

“However, the five-year requirement did spark some friction. A few employees “grumbled” that the annual payout structure made it difficult to quit if they wished, and others were surprised by the heavy tax burden that claimed nearly a third of their checks. Walker carved out a crucial exception to the five-year rule: Employees over 65 were exempt.”

A rare CEO W. We’ll take it. Be more like Graham Walker guys.

Oh, I’m sorry, did you click on here for any actual insight? This is wallstreetmemesdotcom, bitch, we’ve got joke articles written by AI and that’s your LOT. If you wanted actual news, click here, otherwise enjoy the lowest form of wit, below:

The United States has managed to turn borrowed money into an Olympic-level sport. The national debt now sits at a level that would make even Scrooge McDuck cringe, roughly $229,000 per household. Yup, that’s right: your family is now roughly as indebted as a mid-tier suburban mortgage.

Imagine if every American household signed a “contract” saying, “Yes, let’s owe hundreds of thousands of dollars forever.” Congratulations America, your invisible national IOU now feels like that credit card balance you keep ignoring. At present, debt has ballooned from modest levels to a whopping $30.9 trillion, which is honestly hard to visualize unless you’re counting jellybeans.

And no, this isn’t just a temporary coupon discount on future taxes, it’s serious. If regular families actually paid the interest on this gargantuan pile of IOUs (instead of pretending it’ll go away because “maybe inflation will fix it”), everyone would owe about $7,700 a year in extra taxes. That’s like adding a premium gym membership you never asked for.

Economists describe current debt growth faster than:

Bitcoin memes in a bull market
Daily caffeine intake on Wall Street
Your student loan balance
The number of Web3 projects that promise “real utility”

Seriously: the debt-to-GDP ratio has sprinted from “meh” to about 100% of GDP, essentially meaning the nation owes as much as it makes. And by 2035, that number could reach a catastrophic 135%, the fiscal equivalent of using credit cards to pay off your credit cards, indefinitely.

Budget wonks politely warn that borrowing like this without a plan is like deciding to eat pizza every day and then wondering why your Fitbit is crying. They say we either need massive tax hikes, cuts so deep they make Black Friday look tame, or perhaps a time machine to explain this to past selves.

In classic political fashion, no one wants to be the grown-up in the room. Instead, policymakers are choosing the economic equivalent of “This seems fine” dog memes. Meanwhile, Americans can take comfort knowing that inflation might magically dilute the debt, right alongside the taste of everything from coffee to movie popcorn.

Richest man in the world and all round nice guy, Elon Musk, has come under fire from his baby mama and former political commentator, Ashley St. Clair.

But that’s the end of the story, to explain, let’s go back to the beginning.

Elon’s father Errol, who has been accused multiple times of sexual misconduct and domestic abuse once said that, “The only thing we on Earth for is to reproduce.” And whilst hopefully his father’s other views didn’t rub off, it seems like Elon might have taken that last point to heart.

Elon has fathered at least fourteen different children with multiple women, seemingly operating as a human sperm bank, rarely with the intention of actually raising the children.

One of these women is Ashley St. Clair, a popular rightwing influencer and author of an anti-trans children’s book. She made contact with Musk on Twitter and then became pregnant shortly after.

Ashley and her child have only met Musk for a few hours since (he’s a busy guy) and has publicly fallen out with the billionaire.

Her subsequent falling off of the right wing bandwagon, and denouncement of her previous views along with all things Musk has drawn the ire of Musk’s legion of fans.

And now we get to the present day because Musk’s followers have weaponised X’s controversial porn image generator to sexualise pictures of St. Clair specifically. And that’s just not cool guys.

St. Clair has now sued Musk’s AI company adding to growing political and legal pressure against the new feature which xAI said they have now taken down.

Who knows what’ll come out of St. Clair’s lawsuit but either way, we really are in the darkest timeline, aren’t we?

No.

Shit, this seems like a joke. I thought DOGE was done, weren’t we done with that? Like, it’s a dead meme. I know that everyone was praying for the great meme reset of 2026, but it hasn’t happened. We’re not going back to DOGE and pepe and all that garbage, it’s cringe guys, please, let it die…

Except, NO! Because the Senate Banking Committee’s newest draft legislation would create non-ancillary asset classification (whatever that means) for XRP, Solana, Dogecoin and Bitcoin, basically putting them all on a level legal footing.

It’s what the founding fathers would have wanted

I mean, all this is probably a good thing. I know the whole point is deregulation and decentralisation and a lack of government interference and all that but also all you crypto bros also want this to be taken seriously and used as a proper currency.

So here we are, this is one more step toward legitimacy. Litecoin, Hedera, Dogecoin, Chainlink, XRP, Solana and BiGbuttCoin will all get the same regulatory treatment as Bitcoin and Ethereum.

It really is the year of the Dogehwwhh (sorry, I just vomited in my mouth a little) with a soaring price, beating out Bitcoin just a few days ago.

Likewise Ethereum is predicted to hit $40,000 by 2030 and Bitcoin will ATH this year according to Standard Chartered.

No doubt this latest news will add to their gains too.

So that’s exciting.

Can’t afford McDonald’s? He’s in the big leagues now.

The world’s most popular YouTuber (no, not Steve1989MREInfo), Mr ‘Jimmy’ Beast, might be worth $2.6 billion but technically he’s broke and honestly, it’s not surprising.

Because we all know by now that this is how the ultra wealthy operate. The world’s richest man, Elon Musk is famously cash poor, securing massive bank loans by using his stock options as collateral, getting another loan when the first runs out and just all round running a ponzi scheme.

Well, now MrBeast can say he’s made it because he’s entering the same boat. In an interview with the Wall Street Journal to promote his new TV show (remember, everthing is an advert) Jimmy had this to say, “I’m borrowing money. That’s how little money I have. Technically, everyone watching this video has more money than me in their bank account if you subtract the equity value of my company, which doesn’t buy me McDonald’s in the morning.”

MrBeast? More like mr yeast, amiright?

He’s covered this a few times in the press, saying that he reinvests all the money he makes into his videos. Posting on X, Donaldson said, “I personally have very little money because I reinvest everything (I think this year we’ll spend around a quarter of a billion on content). Ironically I’m actually borrowing $ from my mom to pay for my upcoming wedding but sure, on paper the businesses I own are worth a lot.”

The post was in response to someone claiming that he didn’t inherit his wealth but guys, he’s literally called ‘Donaldson’, you think he didn’t get even a little bit of money from daddy Trump?

But there you have it. Maybe you, dear reader, and Mr Beasty boy have more in common than you think. Maybe you’re not such a failure after all. Maybe the next time your mom asks you to pay her back for the one time she paid for your bail after you accidentally committed an arson, you can just say that actually, MrBeast wouldn’t be able to pay you back either so I’m not a useless bum actually.

For more MrBeast news, try this on for size: MrBeast Starts Funding Round, Must Not Leave Circle For $5 Billion

You need enough followers. Like Jesus.

I don’t care any more, I have no shame, what, you thought I had shame? No, I’m doing it, I’m sharing my feet pics.

You think I’ve got ugly feet? Bitch, it doesn’t matter, people love ugly feet. I need that Visa, my Honduran travel visa expired 18 months ago and I’ve been working at an organic armadillo ranch on the sly this whole time. They pay me in cash and armadillo teeth and don’t ask questions but I think they’re starting to get suspicious so I need to bounce real soon.

Look, this visa was designed for painters and musicians and interesting people, but you know what else is art? Big boobies. Yeah, I said it, cancel me.

Turns out the immigration office switched to a more algorithmic adjudication system which made it much easier to game with big numbers like follower count and subscription earnings.

These are O-1B visas and they have blown up 50% in the last decade, partially because it’s a bit easier to get in that way.

I want to be in Ame-ri-ca.

But here’s the thing no one’s talking about: we NEED onlyfans stars, we need them here and we need them now.

They are the lifeblood of this economy. Hell, if anyone understands the American Dream it’s a scrappy young Turkish woman just trying to make a living the only way she knows how and that’s selling electric fans on the internet.

They keep you cool, increase airflow, I really don’t know what’s not to like. Why is everyone complaining here? I say let them in!

I for one am a fan.

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