Bill Fold | Wall Street Memes

SpaceX (SPACO) is reportedly considering an IPO (initial public option) that would rocket boost (see what I did there?) the company to a $1 trillion dollars in money valuation.

“It’s going to be the craziest IPO in the history of the stock market,” said Shay Boloor, chief market strategist for Futurum Equities Research in an interview which he himself went crazy. “If it’s trying to go for $1.5 trillion, I ‌wouldn’t be surprised if it goes up to over $2 trillion once it gets open.”

To da moon!

SpaceX hasn’t had a problem raising money in the past, but a public offering might significantly increase the company’s cash flow. As any good rocket scientist, economist, and gastroenterologist will tell you, when it comes to rocket fuel, cash flow, and fecal matter: liquid is better.

But the big one to profit isn’t just SpaceX investors, it’s the big man, the man in charge, the top dog, his muskiness himself: JOHN CENA!! Jk, ELON MUSK!!

With SpaceX’s cash explosion, Musk will likely go from being the world’s richest man to being the world’s richest man but more so. Estimators estimate that he will likely reach the one trillion mark that he’s been so desperate to achieve ever since his mother didn’t love him.

SpaceX? More like, SpaceXcusetogetmoremoneyoffpeople

The downside is that Musk will then be beholden to those pathetic snivelling losers, what are they called? Oh yeah, ‘shareholders’. Bleh.

They already kicked off when he asked for a DESERVED one trillion pay package for not quitting his job and that’s not fair, ok? Well, now they might be whiny bitches again and hold back THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE FROM GOING INTERPLANETARY.

Do you want that? No. So give us your money and don’t have any other input beyond that, got it? Ok? Ok.

Glad we could straighten that out. You may leave now.

You have to pay $1 million dollars. I’m not kidding.

Yes, President Trump’s new “gold card” visa scheme has just gone live, allowing foreigners to simply bribe, sorry, I meant buy a Visa for a million dollars. Or, even better, companies can sponsor someone for $2 million dollars. They also get a shiny golden card as an added bonus (not real gold. Ts&Cs apply…)

It’s true. Just go to trumpcard.gov and if you’ve got a spare milly lying around, try it out for yourself!

And if you think that’s the end of it JUST YOU WAIT. Because what’s better than gold? That’s right, platinum and Trump has heard your request and has a waiting list for $5 million dollar “Trump Platinum Cards”.

Why these official government documents have to have Trump’s name on them like they’re steaks is anyone’s guess…

Trump sued by Willy Wonka for plagiarism

However, Trump’s latest get-rich-quick scheme has already run into problems as the estate of the late chocolatier, William K. Wonka has filed a lawsuit against Donald K. Trump regarding his latest plan to offer ‘Gold Card’ Visas to the wealthy.

The Wonka estate claims that Trump, “Plagiarised the golden ticket idea fully, wholeheartedly and with malice. We demand full compensation and a golden ticket for ourselves.”

golden ticket gold card visa trump the office — Live footage of Trump coming up with the idea of the golden ticket completely on his own

Trump’s idea differs from the master chocolatier’s promotional factory tour since the Gold Card visa cannot be discovered in a chocolate bar but must instead be purchased for $1 million. The plan aims to increase government cash flow and raise the number of immigrants entering the country, wait, no, that’s not…

“I don’t care if they’re completely different,” continued the Wonka lawsuit, “Wonka Co. has long held a trademark on the word ‘gold’ and the Trump organization has repeatedly flounced that legal ownership. We demand full ownership of Trump Tower and every gold Trump-branded item immediately, please.”

Legal experts say that Wonka is unlikely to win any such case. The lawsuit follows an increasingly litigious streak from the company after Wonka filed a claim against an unlicensed Glaswegen Wonka immersive experience last year.

Gold Card? More like card made of gold!

Meanwhile, Trump’s gold card program adds an important new color to the ‘card’ system. You see, there already exists a green card visa and a red card may be used to end a conversation, but the world has never seen anything as powerful as a magic gold card before.

When asked specifically about Russian oligarchs buying the card for some reason, Trump said, “Yeah, possibly. Hey. I know some Russian oligarchs that are very nice people,” which is a normal thing for an American president to say.

The gold card will replace a similar scheme called the EB-5 which is almost identical to the gold card but has a lower price tag and doesn’t have the word ‘gold’ in it so this one’s much cooler I guess.

Meanwhile, Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory continues to… wait… what’s that? Oh no, it’s… it’s… IT’S THE UNKNOWN! AAARRRGGHGGHHHH!!!

Jerome Powell can keep his job… for now

The Federal Reserve of money (aka THE Fed) has at last lowered interest rates by 0.25 percentage points to 3.50/3.75%, the lowest it’s ever been since three years ago.

The problem is the Fed is caught between a rock and a hard place, on the one hand, you’ve got a plummeting job market, but on the other hand, you have the prices of everything rising but on a secret third hand, you have me with a three-way parlay on whether Jay Powell will sneeze during the announcement.

But Trump’s only happy with more, more, MORE, saying that the cut should have been “at least doubled… Our rates should be much lower, we should have the lowest rates in the world!!!” he screamed before passing out.

And his lackays are falling in line with this sentiment. Trump’s Council of Economic Advisors person, Stephen Miran, for example, voted against the cut, instead wanting a more dramatic 0.5 point cut.

And as for ‘the hard place’, the presidents of Chicago and Kansas City’s Feds voted to keep rates as they are.

Death by 0.25 cuts

We likely won’t see any rate cuts over the coming months but with Jay Powell’s imminent retirement/assassination his replacement could easily come in and set interest rates to minus a billion as is Trump’s heart’s desire.

We’ll just have to see how things pan out but until then, check out who’s the front runner to replace Powell: Jerome Powell Is Getting Fired, Here Are The Top 5 Likely Replacements

The Biggest of Short investors (even though he’s 5’8″), Michael Burry just dropped another bombshell in his Cassandra Unchained newsletter, revealing that he own large positions in Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac expecting them to rally with IPOs in the near future.

Now, the identities of these mystery individuals have not been revealed, nor is it clear exactly how Burry can have a position on two human beings but heck, if Burry says double down on two randos, I’m doubling down.

My guess is that Fannie and Freddie are distant relations of Burry? Maybe like, third cousins who needed a leg up from their financier uncle and he was like, “Yeah, sure F&F [that’s what he calls them] I’ll just give you a shout out on my newsletter and then you’ll be famous and rich and that’ll make up for your unfortunate names.”

Freddie? Maxed. Fannie? Maybe. Burry? Better Hurry! …what?

Oh.

Oh wait.

Oh wait, now hold on a minute.

Maybe I should have googled Fannie and Freddie before writing this.

Ok, turns out the two people names are actually names of companies. How was I supposed to know that?

Fannie Mae is the Federal Nation Mortgage Association and it’s a publicly traded company?? What are you talking about? WHY DOES IT HAVE A HUMAN NAME??? We don’t call the United States Postal Service ‘Usain Potter’ that would be usain.

Either every federal organization gets a cutesy-poo name or none do.

Hell, ‘Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation? FHLMC? That doesn’t even look like Freddie Mac!

What is going on?

I can’t even find an explanation for why they’re called this. Wait, FANNIE IS THE LARGEST COMPANY IN THE US? IT’S WORTH $4.3 TRILLION DOLLARS???? WTF IS GOING ON!!

Ok, I’m sorry, I need to go, I’m having a meltdown over this. This finance writer has just discovered the financial sector. I’m going to puke.

Jerome Powell Just Increased Perspiration Rates

About once a month, there seems to be a new headline about how Trump wants to replace the Chairman Of The Fed Reserve of Money In America (COFROMIA for short) with someone a little more pliable.

And well, it’s his time of the month again.

When asked aboard Air Force One today, Trump said, “I know who I’m going to pick.”

“Well, tell us!” responded reporters and then, like a schoolkid hiding their crush, Trump almost giggled, “I’m not going to tell you.”

Everyone’s suspecting his choice will be White House advisor Kevin Hassett even though I’ve never heard of him. But he’s remained tight-lipped on the issue other than saying he’d be up for the job if asked.

fed chair odds graph — Here are the odds in case you’re a betting man, but my money’s on the blonde.

Hassett, smashett, I think we all know Trump’s got some much better choices right under his nose. So, without further ado, these are Trump’s top picks to become COFROMIA:

(Honorable mention) JD Vance – The Backup Backup Option

Ehh, ok, fine, if we really have to, like if we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel, I guess he’ll do. I GUESS WE COULD SETTLE. I mean, he doesn’t have much on his plate. He’s not that busy, he could probs do the Fed on the side. Not well, mind you, not a good job, but he’d do A job, sure.

JD seems a great replacement, considering that Powell is “an average-minded person” with a “low IQ for what he does,” according to Donald Trump.

10. No One – Better Than JD

Now, this is the most controversial take, but do we even need a chair? Can’t we just sit on the floor? It’s long been the belief of notable economists like me that the Fed can just run itself. If anything, it would be an improvement from that good-for-nothing POWELL.

9. SBF – Pronounced “essbeef”

Sam Bankman-Fried has done more than enough to prove his financial chops. Hell, he’s got ‘bank’ in his name, who better to lead the finances of this country? Now, there is the little matter of the whole ‘prison’ thing, but that’s nothing that a bit of presidential pardoning can’t fix.

8. Kanye – West

…West, that is. He’s a loose cannon. A renegade. And you know what? Maybe that’s exactly what the Fed needs right now. Sure, there was that whole thing with his cousin and with the Nazis and, yes, he ran against Trump but my enemies’ enemies is my friend and a friend in Ye is a friend indeed.

7. Tiffany Fong – Who?

Oh, the crypto influencer that Elon offered to have a child with. Yeah, sure, why not, throw her into the mix. The important thing is that we make HEADLINES. Ok?

6. Barron – ‘Trump’, not ‘Oil’

Now, Barron’s a good kid. Maybe the best kid. And he knows his crypto more than anyone. He’s talking about crypto, he’s a fan, he knows how to use his wallet. What’s a wallet? Well, he’s using it. So he’s a good pick.

5. Scrooge McDuck – Money Man (Duck)

If anyone understands money, it’s a man with a giant pile of money in his house. Now that’s the kind of guy I want in charge of interest rates, that’s for sure.

4. An AI Tesla Bot – If Elon Can Bury The Hatchet

Picture this: no more Jay Powell AND Tesla stock goes up with a ground-breaking tech demo, all in one move. He’s lean, he’s mean, he’s a fighting machine. What else would you build a robot for but managing the Federal Reserve? This ain’t ‘Mr. Too Late’, this ain’t no ‘Major Loser’, this is advanced robotics at the cutting edge.

3. Jerome Powell – He’s Back, Baby!

A late entry to the field, this is a completely different Jerome Powell, absolutely no relation to the previous JP. Yes, he looks very similar, but this Jerome has a large mustache, so it can’t be the same one.

2. Eric Trump – Maybe The Real Powell Was The Friends We Made Along The Way

Eric Trump is well known for not really being that well known, so he’s a good choice because every other family member that Trump had in his inner circle got burned by the first administration. Other than moving some money around when maybe he shouldn’t have and then getting caught, Eric has basically zero financial experience, which makes him perfect for the role. He also enjoys skiing.

1. Donald Trump – The Front Runner

In the top spot, I know, it seems like a curveball, but when you think about it, it makes sense. Who better to follow through on Donald Trump’s wishes than Donald Trump himself? Who’s least likely to get fired by Donald Trump than Donald Trump? Who’s got the business, pork, and financial chops to take the US economy to the next level? And let’s be honest, if Trump could, we all know he would.

And there we have it! Those are our top five picks for the role. We’ll see how things play out, but let us know what you think! Message me personally at my home address hidden in the code for this website.

For a secret bonus option, read this: Hawk Tuah To Replace Jerome Powell as Fed Chairman

Idk, cos people need to eat and stuff?

Walmart just posted its year’s earnings and sales outlook and oh my god I’m sending myself to sleep just writing this… come on, FOCUS. Ok, so, Walmart saw more growth in its grocery, health and wellness sectors zzzzzz…

WHA! What? Oh my god, I’m sorry, I nodded off just then. What was I saying, right, so Walmart has started getting in on the e-commerce business, tryna’ hustle in on Amazon’s business and it seems to be PAYING off. Get it? Because we’re talking about money and stuff…?

Whatever.

Walmart? More like, Paul Blart

It seems a big factor has been that Walmart’s a discount option for shoppers struggling financially which, if you hadn’t noticed, is everyone. So people are flocking to the mart and spending the big bucks.

What does this mean for the rest of the country? Well, Nvidia also had a massive rally and these two behemoths doing well means everyone’s doing well.

Oh, you’re, you’re not doing well? Oh, I’m sorry. Have you thought about buying Nvidia stock? You should by Nvidia stock. Or Walmart, you’ll be alright then I promise. Give it a go, worked for me I’m now rich as hell. So rich I quit my job. Yeah, I do this for free. I do this for free. I’m offering a public service here and it’s just for the love of the game.

…what was I talking about? Oh yeah, I was taking a nap. Excuse me, gotta go.

For more supermarket news, read this: Costco Unveils Plan For Wholesale Houses

Famed insider trader and former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has decided not to run for re-election next year, and the finance trades have been spiralling because of it.

“But how will I know how to invest?” commented one distressed junior trader. “My entire portfolio is based on Pelosi Tracker. What am I supposed to use? Reverse Cramer?”

Yes, the Big NP made a killing in politics. In 1987, before taking office, she and her husband had between $610,000 and $785,000 in stocks. Now that’s worth $133.7 million. You know what that is? That’s a 16,930% increase over 37 years. For comparison, the Dow Jones was 2,300%. Against the S&P, she beat that too by 559%. Does she know something we don’t?

Pelosi? More like, Gross-ly Overpaid

Pelosi has long been dogged by accusations of insider trading, exacerbated last year by her husband’s profitable sale of Visa stock shortly before a DoJ antitrust lawsuit against the company. The link is somewhat circumstantial, and no concrete evidence currently exists of Pelosi’s insider trading. Pelosi has even publicly spoken in support of greater regulation, which is exactly what she would say, wouldn’t she? Nevertheless, the running joke has come to exemplify the image of Democratic politicians as a corrupted elite, unlike all other elites, which are perfect.

HOT TIP: If you’re a Democrat, simply rinse and repeat this same critique, but against Marjorie Taylor Greene. (Don’t get that joke? Read this: Marjorie Taylor Greene Denies Insider Trading: “You Can’t Insider Trade When You’re A Political Outsider”)

Currently, the STOCK Act of 2012 (also voted for by Pelosi) requires lawmakers to disclose any trades over $1,000 within 30 days or pay a $200 fine. However, many believe the law does not go far enough. I personally think it should go even further and forbid politicians from using even money. They should be forced to trade seashells instead.

It seems that the general public’s widespread desire to see more fairness for lawmakers has made its way to Washington. Support is growing for some kind of increased restrictions. Maybe handcuffs when they visit the bank?

It’s OK because her husband did it, not her

Pelosi’s already got Democrats lined up to fill her vacant seat. In the queue we’ve got San Francisco Supervisor Connie Chan, former San Francisco Mayor London Breed (weird name but ok), AOC’s former staffer Saikat Chakrabarti and Democratic California state Sen. Scott Wiener. SAY THEIR NAMES.

Whether they’ll be as prolific traders as Nance was remains to be seen but who knows maybe we’ll all be trading on Chakrabarti Trackers this time next year…

For more Pelosi news, read this one: Congress Trading Ban Announced, Pelosi Frantically Uninstalls Robinhood

Here’s a riddle: how does a non-profit make a profit?

That’s what OpenAI is currently wrestling with. They are now simultaneously the most valued startup in the world at half a trillion dollars, the flagship of the AI boom, but also they haven’t made any money yet. …what a conundrum.

The current roadmap for the company is to spend far beyond its revenue and the question becomes, how?

Well, recently OpenAI’s CFO Sarah Friar said they might find a solution “looking for an ecosystem of banks, private equity, maybe even governmental” partners and that there are many “ways governments can come to bear” which “can really drop the cost of the financing but also increase the loan-to-value, so the amount of debt you can take on top of an equity portion.”

The interviewer asked if that was like a federal subsidy, to which Friar said she meant, “the backstop, the guarantee, that allows the financing to happen.”

OpenAI? More Like Open A Bank Account

Cool, simple, so the American public can foot the bill basically, oh no wait… SCRATCH THAT.

Friar has since walked back her comments in a post on LinkedIn, writing, “I want to clarify my comments earlier today. OpenAI is not seeking a government backstop for our infrastructure commitments.”

“I used the word “backstop” and it muddied the point. As the full clip of my answer shows, I was making the point that American strength in technology will come from building real industrial capacity which requires the private sector and government playing their part.”

Smooth positive pivot there.

“As I said, the US government has been incredibly forward-leaning and has really understood that AI is a national strategic asset.” …Aaand a final pivot to ass-kissing. Stuck the landing, well played PR team.

OpenAI Linkedin post — “3rd”? Sarah, I invited you to my wedding. ACCEPT MY FRIEND REQUEST.

Ah, ok, fine, fine fine. So what is the plan then? Well, OpenAI’s already in talks with Microsoft to help them go public and obviously they’re not short of private interest. So we can only wait and see how that plays out.

But the Friar’s words might be prophetic if, as many fear, the AI bubble does burst we could see a crash like nothing we’ve ever seen and OpenAI would be at the wheel.

Sam Altman has his fingers in so many pies that if the pies explode, then who’s going to save his precious fingers?

It looks like the United States Government of America might just be that finger doctor after all…

How did the CEO of Reddit become a billionaire? What? How do you think? He’s the CEO of Reddit. That’s such a stupid question. You think the 7th most visited site on the internet just doesn’t make money? (Shut up, Wikipedia, I’m not talking about you.)

Look, it’s very easy, all you have to do is pitch “the front page of the internet” to investors with your college roommate in 2007, win a $12,000 grant, write the code in 20 days, gain another 100,000 dot-com-boom-dollars from investors, sell within 16 months for $10 million, quit, come back, turn the company around and then announce an earnings of $1.2 billion and a $38 billion market cap just last Thursday and BOOM, two decades later, you’re a billionaire.

It’s simple, really.

But yeah, that’s the story of Steve Huffman, who really played the long game on this one. Let’s hope he didn’t need that money for anything important.

We’re on Reddit. It’s just a thread of everyone calling us a scam, but still…

Now Huffman will join the prestigious club of the 3,028 billionaires in the world who just so happened to be the same 3,028 people on my own personal list of people who’ll be the first with their backs up against the wall when the revolution comes.

Damn, Huffman, maybe you should think long and hard about whether you actually want to be a part of this club… Anyway, what was I saying, oh yeah:

Reddit CEO billionaire hare and tortoise — I found this picture online and jesus christ it’s cursed.

The hare and the tortoise is a classic fable about the virtue of patience over prowess, even though that’s terrible advice for a race. Reddit CEO Steve Huffman is not the only billionaire tortoise, and many other richies have similar bedtime stories to tell.

Nvidia’s Jensen Huang also took two decades to secure his fortune, Netflix-guy Reed Hastings waited a similar timeframe for his winnings, and Figma CEO Dylan Field took a risk dropping out of college in 2012 but now he’s worth $5 billion dollars in US money.

It just goes to show that if you’re not rich now it’s not because you’re lazy, stupid and unoriginal it’s just because you’re playing the long game too.

Who knows? Maybe in a couple decades we’ll both be sitting in the club and we’ll see each other across the room and we won’t say anything, we’ll just smile, give a little nod and raise a glass.

President Donald Jesus Trump just hopped, skipped and jumped his way to a positive meeting with China CEO, Xi JinPing, the first one in six years, meaning maybe MAYBE I can start affording my Alibaba jeggings again.

The talks in South Korea went “amazing” despite months of escalating tariffs, rhetoric and jegging costs.

So what is this big deal then? Well, it’s a secret.

Oh, ok… can we see it? No.

It’s a secret.

Right, ok, so there wasn’t actually an agreement from the talks yet BUT we’ve got high hopes. This is a step forward after all. Potentially it might still take months to actually put together a deal.

That’s just not good enough. I NEED MY JEGGINGS!!!

Trump China Trade Deal 2020 — Not sure what they’re signing here, then. Also, Trump’s looking pretty good in this pic. Hey, what’s Mike Pence doing there… oh wait, this is from 2020, never mind…

Crucially though we’ve got a rare earth expert control measure pause on rare earth material exports so that’s good but do you know what’s not made of rare earths? …mygoddamjeggings.

Don’t know what I’m on about? Read this one: Trump Demands China Stop Hogging Rare Earth Minerals, “They Wouldn’t Be So Rare If You Just Shared”

Also, China’s going to buy a “tremendous amounts of soybeans and other farm products” says Trump. Like, okeee… Why should I care about soybeans? I don’t eat soybeans. I DON’T CARE ABOUT SOYBEANS I WANT MY JEGGINGS!!!

According to the BBC, “US Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent later told Fox Business that China had agreed to buy 12 million metric tonnes of soybeans this season, and would follow that up with a minimum of 25 million tonnes per year for the next three years.” SHUT UP ABOUT SOYBEANS!!!!

But Trunp’s bringing down tariffs. That’s a start. Ok, that’s a start.

China, China, China, China

Who’s to say, though? This feels like a ceasefire, and we all know that ceasefires don’t really mean anything if everyone keeps shooting.

We’ll have to wait and see whether Trump’s hardball tariff swinging match will pay off or whether he’s just nuked the whole economy irreparably.

Stay tuned to find out!

For more on this story, click here: Trump’s Tariffs Take Effect TODAY Explaining Why My Jeggings Haven’t Arrived Even Though I Ticked Next Day Delivery

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To da moon!

SpaceX? More like, SpaceXcusetogetmoremoneyoffpeople

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You have to pay $1 million dollars. I’m not kidding.

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