Month: September 2024

Following the assassination of more than a dozen commanders, Hezbollah has taken to the networking site LinkedIn to post a series of job vacancies and has updated its profile picture to read, ‘#Hiring’.

Among the jobs listed were, ‘Secretary-General’, ‘Central Council Deputy Head’ and ‘Social Media Intern’.

For the top job, the militant group is looking for someone to, “Develop and implement a comprehensive partnership plan with leadership groups across the region. This position requires full managerial oversight of various political alliances and vendettas.”

“Requirements: 30+ years experience as a Shia cleric, tech proficiency (pagers, radios, Excel, etc.), unwavering fealty to the defense of Lebanon and the destruction of Israel. We’re not looking for: anyone with a phobia of airstrikes. Perks: lunch is on us! Get a complimentary Deliveroo voucher every Friday!”

Currently, the job posts remain at, “0 applicants”.

It was previously thought that Hezbollah would look to hire internally, however, to promote the second in command to the first in command they would first have to promote the third in command to the second in command but to do that they would have to promote the fourth in command to the third to command and to do that… you get the idea. The problem with this plan is that they’re all a little bit dead right now.

Only the group’s janitor has expressed a vague interest in the role so is now the front-runner for the top spot.

Doubling Hezbollah’s hiring woes was the recent explodening of the entire recruitment, hiring and human resources departments. It is unclear who updated and is now monitoring the account… a very intelligent bird perhaps?

Joining the hiring push, Hamas has also posted a vacancy for the leader of their Lebanon branch. A similar absence of applications here too can only speak to this current generation’s laziness and general lack of ambition.

It remains unclear whether Hezbollah can fill the vacancies just in time for all-out war (they wouldn’t want to miss that) or whether the next in command will just pretend not to be in charge rather than paint a large target on their forehead. Hopefully, Iran’s ‘reposting’ of the LinkedIn post will give Hezbollah some invaluable visibility.

Miniature Russian MMA fighter, Hasbulla declined a request to comment.