Month: September 2024

Following the assassination of more than a dozen commanders, Hezbollah has taken to the networking site LinkedIn to post a series of job vacancies and has updated its profile picture to read, ‘#Hiring’.

Among the jobs listed were, ‘Secretary-General’, ‘Central Council Deputy Head’ and ‘Social Media Intern’.

For the top job, the militant group is looking for someone to, “Develop and implement a comprehensive partnership plan with leadership groups across the region. This position requires full managerial oversight of various political alliances and vendettas.”

“Requirements: 30+ years experience as a Shia cleric, tech proficiency (pagers, radios, Excel, etc.), unwavering fealty to the defense of Lebanon and the destruction of Israel. We’re not looking for: anyone with a phobia of airstrikes. Perks: lunch is on us! Get a complimentary Deliveroo voucher every Friday!”

Currently, the job posts remain at, “0 applicants”.

It was previously thought that Hezbollah would look to hire internally, however, to promote the second in command to the first in command they would first have to promote the third in command to the second in command but to do that they would have to promote the fourth in command to the third to command and to do that… you get the idea. The problem with this plan is that they’re all a little bit dead right now.

Only the group’s janitor has expressed a vague interest in the role so is now the front-runner for the top spot.

Doubling Hezbollah’s hiring woes was the recent explodening of the entire recruitment, hiring and human resources departments. It is unclear who updated and is now monitoring the account… a very intelligent bird perhaps?

Joining the hiring push, Hamas has also posted a vacancy for the leader of their Lebanon branch. A similar absence of applications here too can only speak to this current generation’s laziness and general lack of ambition.

It remains unclear whether Hezbollah can fill the vacancies just in time for all-out war (they wouldn’t want to miss that) or whether the next in command will just pretend not to be in charge rather than paint a large target on their forehead. Hopefully, Iran’s ‘reposting’ of the LinkedIn post will give Hezbollah some invaluable visibility.

Miniature Russian MMA fighter, Hasbulla declined a request to comment.

TAMPA, FL – Vice President Kamala Harris was hospitalized this morning after falling from a coconut tree during a campaign rally.

The Democratic nominee was holding the event on a beach in Tampa, Florida beside a coconut tree, when the crowd began to chant, “COCO-NUT! COCO-NUT! COCO-NUT!” Harris halted her speech on abortion to ask the crowd, “Should I climb the tree?” The crowd cheered and Harris said, “I’m gonna climb the tree!”

The presidential hopeful then proceeded to hug the trunk like a bear and shuffle herself up the tree with surprising strength and agility. Once she was at the top, the crowd cheered again and Harris threw down a coconut to a spectator who suffered only minor injuries. Harris then proceeded to continue with her speech in a somber tone whilst hanging precariously from a palm leaf.

It was only towards the end of Kamala’s two-hour monologue that her grip began to slip. Midway through a sentence about soaring inflation did Kamala’s hand give way and she tumbled, tumbled, tumbled, down, down, down, like a politician dropped from a coconut tree, until she hit the sand below with a crunch and a crack and a yelp.

The Secret Service sprang into action and fired two shots into the coconut tree’s wooden brain, rendering it immediately motionless. In doing so, however, a coconut was loosened from the tree and it fell on Kamala’s head with a ‘THONK’ that bystanders reluctantly admitted was very funny.

“‘Brat summer’? More like, thwak summer!” commented anonymous bystander, Meila B. Stander.

The ‘Possible President’, as she is known to her friends, was immediately whisked to hospital and treated for a broken leg and concussion. Harris is reported to have been heard repeatedly muttering, “Everything is in context, unburdened by what will come to be burdened,” so it seemed she was already on the mend.

When Harris awoke she asked, “What year is it?” to which doctors replied, “2024” but to the question, “Who’s the president?” they refused to give comment.

Giving a statement from her hospital bed, Harris commented, “I think I just fell out a coconut tree… Hey, quit laughing. You know what is funny, though? I don’t even like coconuts. You ever had a Mounds bar? Blegh.” Harris is expected to make a full recovery ahead of the election in November but will be too injured to give interviews.

The tree was issued with a warning for the attempted assassination of a presidential candidate and had its driver’s license revoked. Any trees present at future campaign rallies will be required to go through a thorough vetting process or be refused entry.

(Millions of people die from coconuts every year. If you or a relative know of anyone affected, please call the coconut helpline immediately at 555-0111.)

KITTANNING, PA – A mother of three has been arrested after paying for her groceries with an illegal campaign donation from presidential nominee Donald Trump.

The woman was shopping for her three sons when Trump, who was also shopping for his three boys, stepped in to offer a government subsidy for her groceries.

“Here, it’s going to go down a little bit,” said Trump jovially as he splashed the cash. “It’s just gone down a hundred bucks!” Trump added, referring to his own bank account.

Moments after the former president had left the store, the mom was tackled to the ground by a passing IRS operative.

The operative demanded she pay the relevant taxes on her sudden windfall but the mother explained that since she had already spent the money on groceries the best she could offer was a couple of bananas.

The tax collector was then tackled by a passing FEC operative who explained that the Federal Election Commission had jurisdiction over the IRS in this situation. After a brief altercation, the matter was settled and it was decided the mother would receive the full force of the law for accepting a political bribe.

Three dozen eggs, two loaves of bread and various other groceries were seized as evidence and will likely be presented at the trial next Thursday. The accused party also had her accounts frozen to avoid any further political manipulation.

Trump was visiting Kittaninnining, Pennsylvania on his way from a town hall in Smithton where he started a fight with a deer. Wait, no, ‘Deere’, sorry, he wants to raise taxes on John Deere if they move manufacturing to Mexico. He’s not fighting any animals.

Before heading over to a rally in Indiana (not the state) Trump passed a sign for the local neighborhood grocery store, ‘Sprankles’ and started chanting, ‘Sprankles! Sprankles! Sprankles!’ until the driver pulled over to buy some popcorn.

After spending $100 on a bag of popcorn and one vote, Trump is not the only Republican overpaying for groceries this week as JD Vance recently spent $4 on $2 eggs.

The Democrats also made a pitstop on the campaign trail, stopping at a Pennsylvania gas station, ‘Sheetz’ last month. In an effort to appeal to working-class voters, Gov. Tim Walz distracted the clerk as VP Kamala Harris shoplifted six family-sized bags of Doritos.

Californian citizens were shocked today after a 14-fingered Gavin Newsom announced a U-turn on his deepfake regulation.

After speaking at a press conference to defend the recent laws, Governor Newsom left the stage but returned immediately via a video call to monotonously say, “Hi guys. It is me. ChatGPT. No, just kidding it is Gavin Newsom. Parody.”

The Californian governor had just moments before expressed worry about the spread of political misinformation in the run-up to November’s election, now appeared completely unphased by the issue, sporting a many-toothed grin as he blurred in and out of a tree.

“Please ignore everything I said before about AI. I am actually very pro deepfakes very much. They make me happy. I hereby reverse my AI disinformation ban effective immediately. No follow-up questions. Thank you. Parody. Goodbye.”

Newsom then slurped down an entire plate of spaghetti before flying away on a jetpack.

Lawmakers immediately scrambled to scribble out Newsom’s previous laws before Newsom could change his mind again. It remains unclear how long before the law takes un-effect. With this article for example… can I post it now or… or should I wait…?

The reversal comes after a lawsuit against Newsom’s original ruling was filed by the Ronald Reagan who had created a fake campaign ad of Kamala Harris in which she admitted that she was running for president. Citing freedom of speech and parody laws, Reagan claims Newsom is curtailing freedom of speech and parody.

Newsom had previously banned Pixar’s Ratatouille for disseminating false information about rats being able to cook. “Rats can’t cook. Clearly,” Newsom said in a statement. Whether 647 confiscated DVDs of Pixar’s Ratatouille will be incinerated as planned is still in question.

“I’m just annoyed I got 4,725 years bad luck for nothing,” said Gustav Espinosa one of the workers tasked with destroying carnival mirrors for creating fake images.

ChatGPT declined to comment on the issue.