Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

The United Kingdom of England (and the other ones) has become the first country to sign a trade agreement with us, the US.

A little bit of history for those that don’t know: Britain was once America’s closest ally and before that, they were America’s greatest enemy, and before that, they were America’s greatest ally. And as the old saying goes, “My enemy’s enemy is my friend, but my enemy/former ally is my former owner.”

A trade agreement between the two countries was thus only a matter of time. With Trump’s threatened tariffs, Britain was forced to the negotiating table, falling right into Trump’s tiny tiny hands.

Britain has announced that they have successfully negotiated their interests and have in no way given in to America’s demands. On the other hand, America feels that they have successfully negotiated their interests and have in no way given in to Britains demands. So, win win.

Among the details are that the US will remove tariffs on UK steel and aluminium (it’s spelt like that when it’s over there) and in return Britain has “agreed to reciprocal market access on beef”. What? I thought beef was exactly what we were trying to avoid?

So Trump’s traded cow for metal. It really is just like Catan.

As a result of the deal, markets are up across the board. Huh, it’s almost like global trade and cooperation are good for the economy…

There’s also a lot of other numbers but I couldn’t be bothered to read them all so you can look elsewhere for that.

No doubt other countries will now be lining up around the block to bend the knee to King Trump but whatever happens, China will remain firmly at the back of the line.

Anyways, that’s the news, hope you enjoyed, come back soon.

Warren Buffett, ‘King of the Meats’, has announced his plan to step down from Berkshire Hathaway after over 60 years leading the firm. The investor extraordinaire walks away with over $3000 billion dollars in USD, but just how exactly did he do it now?

Murder.

Yeah, you heard me. You don’t break a few omelets without making a few eggs, and Buffett was always a master egg chef extraordinaire.

Think about it, who has ever challenged Butteff for his meaty crown? Before Buffett came onto the scene, the richest man was shipping tycoon Daniel Keith Ludwig, who died tragically at the age of 95. Murder.

Then there was Walmart founder Sam Walton, who died at 74 of blood cancer. Or so people thought. No, it was Buffett again. Murder.

TV mogul John Kluge? Died peacefully in his sleep at 95? WRONG. He got Buffetted. Murder.

But things got tricky for Buffett in the 21st century when the new kids on the block seemed unmurderable. Bill Gates had his superhuman vaccinations, Jeff Bezos would retreat to space any time Buffett got close, and Elon Musk had those pesky bulletproof cybertrucks. Drat. Buffett would have to settle with the sixth richest man in the world… again.

Now, this is not financial advice, and I’m not saying that if you want to be wealthy like WB, you’ve got to kill for it. No, what I am saying is that you’ve got to be hungry, you’ve got to be ready to fight your way to the top. And if some people get a little bit dead on the way, then who’s to say that was you? Nothing that a little moolah can’t solve, you hear me?

Following directly in Buffett’s footsteps might not be possible as Buffett has already chosen his successor, ‘Greg Abel’, purely because his name is ‘able’, so I guess I’m not in the running then? Damn. So close.

Upon leaving the company, Buffett is reported to have said, “Capitalism is dead! Suck it, millenials!” before wingsuiting off the building. It’s not clear what Buffett intends to do in his retirement, but some have said he now feels free to pursue his lifelong passion and become a pilates instructor.

This won’t be Buffett’s last financial venture, however, as he has announced a new cryptocurrency, ‘BuffettCoin’, which goes on presale next month.

So it’s bye, bye Buffett, but before he goes we just want to honor the 94-year-old by listing his top 94 accomplishments. Want to know how he got his fortune and how you can too? Read on below:

Transformed Berkshire Hathaway: Acquired a struggling textile company in 1965 and turned it into a $1 trillion conglomerate.
Ate a dog.
Mastered Insurance Float: Utilized insurance premiums from companies like GEICO and National Indemnity to fund investments.
Legally changed his name from Buffet to Buffett.
Invested in Coca-Cola in 1988; Berkshire now owns 9.3% of the company.
Worked out how to crack an egg one-handed.
Invested in Apple: Initial investment in 2016 grew from $35 billion to $173 billion by 2023.
Invented gymnasiums.
Acquired See’s Candies in 1972; influenced Buffett’s approach to investing in quality businesses.
Fell in love.
Invested in BYD in 2008; proved to be a lucrative venture.
Increase monies from 0 to more.
Acquisition of BNSF Railway: In 2009, Berkshire purchased Burlington Northern Santa Fe for $44 billion, marking Berkshire’s largest acquisition.
Diversified Portfolio (probably)
Bought Dairy Queen
Bought Fruit of the Loom
Bought Benjamin Moore
Bought the love and respect of everyone on planet Earth.
Buffett studied under Benjamin Graham and championed investing in undervalued companies with strong fundamentals whatever that means.
Long-Term Strategy: Emphasized patience and long-term holdings, avoiding short-term market trends.
Decentralized Management but not in a crypto way: Allowed subsidiaries to operate independently, fostering entrepreneurial spirit.
Transparent Communication: Known for candid and insightful annual shareholder letters.
Mentorship: Guided future leaders like Greg Abel, ensuring Berkshire’s continuity.
The Giving Pledge: Co-founded with Bill and Melinda Gates, encouraging billionaires to donate at least half their wealth to charitable causes and secret illuminati programs.
Significant Donations: Committed to giving away the majority of his fortune, primarily to the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation.
Modest Lifestyle: Despite immense wealth, lives in the same Omaha house he purchased in 1958.
Educational Impact: His investment principles are studied in business schools worldwide.
Economic Commentary: Respected voice on economic policies and market behaviors.
Presidential Medal of Freedom: Awarded in 2011 for his contributions to business and philanthropy.
Carnegie Medal of Philanthropy: Received in 2016 for his significant philanthropic efforts.
Time 100: Featured multiple times in Time magazine’s list of the most influential people.
Honorary Degrees: Received honorary degrees from institutions like the University of Nebraska and Harvard.
Business Hall of Fame: Inducted for his outstanding contributions to the business world.
Shit, this is only 34, err, ok, what else has he done?
Cold showers.
Dreamt big.
Bought a house.
Whistled.
Made some money
Lost some money
Made the money back again. Nice.
Put two beers in cold storage for later.
Invented a time machine but never told anyone.
Bottles of beer on the wall.
Ok, wait, I’ve ChatGPTed some more:
American Express: Buffett’s investment in American Express began in the 1960s. By 2024, dividends from this holding reached approximately $409.3 million annually.
Bank of America: In 2011, Berkshire invested in Bank of America through preferred stock and warrants, which were exercised in 2017. This holding became one of Berkshire’s largest, though 15% was sold in 2024.
The Washington Post: Buffett purchased a stake in The Washington Post in 1973 for $11 million, holding it for over 40 years. By 2004, the stake was valued at nearly $1.7 billion.
Idk if any of that’s true, but we’ll see if I get sued, I guess.
Hot Dog Stands: In 2016, Berkshire invested in 14,000 hot dog stands across America, showing that you too can stand up for small businesses.
Won first prize in a hot dog eating contest and not because he’d bought out all the hot dog stands.
Warren Buffett.
Warren Buffett.
Warren Buffett.
Warren Buffett.
Warren Buffett.
Warren Buffett.
Warren Buffett.
Warren Buffett.
Olgs.
Bought Wall Street Memes Dot Com and turned it into a hype site for Warren Buffett.
Fuck, ugh, 61. Why do I do this to myself?
Sixty two.
Why does he have to be so old?
The entry is left intentionally blank.
Fell over.
Meegledeeble.
Ahh.
Ahhhhhhh.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Warren Buffett died (future achievement).
Warren Edward Buffett (/ˈbʌfɪt/ BUF-it; born August 30, 1930)^[2] is an American investor and philanthropist who currently serves as the chairman and CEO of the conglomerate holding company Berkshire Hathaway. As a result of his investment success, Buffett is one of the best-known investors in the world. According to Forbes, as of May 2025, Buffett’s estimated net worth stood at US$168.2 billion, making him the sixth-richest individual in the world.^[3]
Warren Buffett!
My dad said he met him once but I think he’s a liar.
Can O Beans.
Reason number 77. I like to turn off the taps after I’m done using them.
Nebraska Furniture Mart (1983): Buffett acquired this retail giant, impressed by founder Rose Blumkin’s business acumen. The purchase exemplified his strategy of investing in well-managed, family-run businesses.
Died for our sins.
Came back again for our sins.
81, come on, 81, so close.
Discover radium.
Didn’t get bullied at school or anything.
Loved by friends and enemies alike.
An olden bod by anyone’s stretch of the imagination.
Just a fancy guy.
Helped me out when i was struggling financially.
Role model.
Hot. Pretty hot. I would.
Called in a favor when he most needed it.
Refused to compromise.
Always looked ahead. Never backwards.
Dreams.
Gave us one hell of a performance in Hamilton: The Musical.
One more for luck. xoxo

Thanks for reading! I’m going to go lie down now.

In an unprecedented technological mishap, the U.S. Federal Reserve has accidentally uploaded the entire U.S. economy into a public Minecraft server, triggering a cascade of ‘chicken jockey‘ market rallies, and a complete redefinition of America’s GDP to include enchanted diamond swords.

An internal memo leaked early Tuesday revealed that a junior Fed systems analyst was attempting to simulate inflation models using a private server when he “accidentally ported the entire economic backend to Minecraft Realms.” Within hours, the U.S. GDP had been replaced by the collective value of cobblestone, wheat farms, and digital horse armor.

“We didn’t realize the NASDAQ was running on a chunk loader,” said Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell in a hastily convened press briefing. “But now that it is, we believe monetary policy will be guided by Redstone logic and Ender Dragon behavior.”

Markets React with Confusion and Creative Mode Frenzy

The Dow Jones Industrial Average surged to an all-time high of 1,027,432,550 points, largely due to speculative bubbles in obsidian futures and a hostile takeover of Home Depot by a 12-year-old streamer named “xX_EconWarrior_Xx.”

Meanwhile, the S&P 500 was replaced by a leader board displaying “Top 10 Wheat Producers (Survival Mode Only),” with Iowa narrowly defeated by a coordinated Reddit farming guild.

Major hedge funds responded by hiring pixelated interns and converting their Bloomberg Terminals into crafting tables. BlackRock reportedly placed a buy order for “whatever item makes villagers stop scowling.”

Congressional Response: Mostly Panic and Lag

During an emergency session of Congress, House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries appeared confused as to whether the U.S. dollar still existed, asking the Fed chair, “So my wallet is now a chest and my income is now entirely paid in emeralds, why then does the IRS still need me to do my taxes?”

Jerome Powell, appearing at the session as his Minecraft avatar, explained that although the U.S. Mint was now a fully automated piston smelter located under the Washington Monument, yes, everyone still has to pay their taxes.

Economists ‘Not Experts In The Craft’

Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman stated the move could have benefits: “In-game scarcity creates real value. If emeralds are the new reserve currency, I welcome our new block-based future.”

Others were less optimistic. “You cannot base a sovereign economy on pixelated livestock and hope,” warned MIT’s Dr. Helena Zhao. “Also, someone griefed my retirement portfolio.”

What’s Next?

According to sources inside the White House, President Trump is expected to address the nation from a procedurally generated podium, likely built from birch wood and surrounded by torchlight.

Beijing has denied claims by Donald Trump that they talk “every day” about tariffs and that they are ‘besties’. Instead, China says that they have set Trump’s WhatsApp to ‘mute’ and are considering soft-blocking or even blocking the US President.

On Wednesday, Trump told reporters at the Oval Office that they were ready for a trade deal with China but such a deal “depends on them”. However he did offer promising news saying that China’s last text did end with two ‘x’s as opposed to the regular one. Analysts are interpreting these symbols as a ‘kiss’ and a sign of goodwill.

However a spokesman for the Chinese commerce ministry said it was all lies, but who’s to say he isn’t lying?

Donald Trump had this to say in response, “China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, Shiner, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China.”

He then continued, “China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, Chinese China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China-China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, Taiwan, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China.”

So, I guess you can see why they put him on mute.

It’s a bold negotiating strategy, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off.

It’s been a busy week, what with Trump threatening Fed Chair Jerome Powell, then saying that he wouldn’t fire him, even though, oh boy, does he want to. At the same time, Elon Musk has said he plans to spend less time on DOGE in order to focus on bringing Tesla out of its stock nose dive.

Well, now the dynamic duo has announced a plan that could kill two birds with one stone. Picture this: no more Jay Powell AND Tesla stock goes up with a ground-breaking tech demo, all in one move.

That’s right, they’re going to replace JP with a Tesla bot.

Now, they claim that Trump has no plans to fire him and the bot is “just for decoration” but he’s lean, he’s mean, he’s a fighting machine what else would you build a robot for but managing the federal reserve? This ain’t ‘Mr. Too Late’ this ain’t no ‘Major Loser’ this is advanced robotics at the cutting edge.

The Tesla Optimus was initially pitched as an AI android helper but secretly it was actually designed for one job and one job only: setting the interest rates to a level that makes Trump happy.

If all goes according to plan, the Tesla Optimus will be sworn in next week and start Chairing the fuck out of that Fed before the end of the month.

Naturally, Tesla will have complete control over the robot and thus the entire economy. Call it a ‘backdoor DOGE’ if you like. And finally Trump will be happy.

And to those naysayers saying this is unconstitutional and that you can’t have a robot running the Federal Reserve, Musk already has a response for you, “Shut up.”

The only thing the Constitution says about robots is that we’re not allowed to build a robot Abraham Lincoln and guess what? Disney already did it so I feel like we can just throw out that whole document now can’t we?

I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords and truly believe that an economy married inextricably to Tesla stock is a healthy one.

The former Mr. Powell declined to comment on this piece.

For more on this story click here: Trump’s Top 10 Picks To Replace Jerome Powell

Gold has reached an ATH (all-time highest amount), rising to over $3,500 an ounce for the first time, making it one of the most precious metals in the world.

The boost comes after Donald J. Trump (the president) started fresh beef with the Federal Reserve Chair Head, Jerome Powell, and called him mean names. Coupled with a frightening stock drop, investors are now turning to gold as the new “gold standard”.

Some are now saying that gold is “worth its weight in gold”; however, others are saying that it’s not. Only time (and this set of old-timey scales) will tell.

In a matter of weeks, gold and gold related products might reach $4,000. Which is a lot of money to spend on gold if you’re really not planning on doing anything with it.

The dollar was once the stable currency global investors could rely on, but now with the volatility of the dollar (dollatility if you will), investors are turning to the far more stable and never fluctuating gold for investment opportunities.

Dow Jones (I’ve never met him but I’ve heard he’s lovely) has made his hardest drop since he used to DJ during the great depression. This is scary because that was a bad time. Historians predict that various 1930s trends are likely to make a comeback, including hobos and old-timey scales.

Gold And Days

Gold has long been popular amongst money people not only because it’s shiny but also because, unlike other currencies, it’s real.

Metal buffs will tell you that gold is one of the most golden-colored metals ever discovered. When first discovered, gold prospectors saw gold as rare because they hadn’t found much of it yet.

Since then, however, much more gold has been discovered, mostly in the ground. Gold owners across the world have attempted to make gold more valuable by naming expensive things like memberships and casinos after the metal.

Only now has this investment finally paid off, making fictional characters such as Goldfinger and Scrooge McDuck millionaires.

For more on this story, click here over there somewhere…

President Donald Trump has lashed out at Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell, calling him “a major loser” and “Mr. Too Late” for not lowering interest rates. With his firing potentially imminent, here are Trump’s Top 10 picks to take over the position.

1. SBF (essbeef)

Sam Bankman-Fried has done more than enough to prove his financial chops. Hell, he’s got ‘bank’ in his name, who better to lead the finances of this country? Now, there is the little matter of the whole ‘prison’ thing, but that’s nothing that a bit of presidential pardoning can’t fix.

2. Kanye

…West, that is. He’s a loose cannon. A renegade. And you know what? Maybe that’s exactly what the fed needs right now. Sure, there was that whole thing with his cousin and with the Nazis and, yes, he ran against Trump but my enemies enemy is my friend and a friend in Ye is a friend indeed.

3. Tiffany Fong

Who? Oh, the crypto influencer that Elon offered to have a child with. Yeah, sure, why not, throw her into the mix. The important thing is that we make HEADLINES. Ok?

4. Barron

Now, Barron’s a good kid. Maybe the best kid. And he knows his crypto more than anyone. He’s talking about crypto, he’s a fan, he knows how to use his wallet. What’s a wallet? Well, he’s using it. So he’s a good pick.

5. Scrooge McDuck

If anyone understands money, it’s a man with a giant pile of money in his house. Now that’s the kind of guy I want in charge of interest rates, that’s for sure.

6. No One

Now, this is the most controversial take, but do we even need a chair? Can’t we just sit on the floor? It’s long been the belief of notable economists like me that the Fed can just run itself. If anything, it would be an improvement from that good-for-nothing POWELL.

7. Jerome Powell

A late entry to the field, this is a completely different Jerome Powell, absolutely no relation to the previous JP. Yes, he looks very similar, but this Jerome has a large mustache, so it can’t be the same one.

8. Elon Musk

I mean, does he need an introduction? Musk’s been doing a great job with the DOGE and all that, so I could think of no one better to lead the economy of the country than someone who will do exactly what Trump tells him to.

9. A Can Of Beans (bean can)

This is my personal favorite pick. The thing is, what’s the Fed chair got to do but sit there and look pretty? I reckon a can o’ beans is the prettiest gal on the block, I’d give her a shot, sure, how hard can it be!

10. JD Vance

Ehh, ok, fine, if we really have to, like if we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel, I guess he’ll do. I GUESS WE COULD SETTLE. I mean, he doesn’t have much on his plate. He’s not that busy, he could probs do the Fed on the side. Not well, mind you, not a good job, but he’d do A job, sure.

And for a secret eleventh option: Hawk Tuah To Replace Jerome Powell as Fed Chairman

It’s quiet in the halls of the White House today. A dark cloud has descended over the Washington skies. Pumpulina, the Capuchin monkey who decided tariffs for foreign exports, has sadly passed away at the age of six.

Pumpulina was born in the Cincinnati Zoo and lived there until one zoo keeper noted that she would become particularly involved in distributing food to other monkeys. The keeper contacted a local economist who brought Pumpulina away for study.

As it turned out, Pumpulina was extremely adept at applying economic tariffs to foreign exports. When given a toy globe, Pumpulina would identify the country she would like to be tariffed by throwing her own faeces at the map. Researchers would then determine the size and pungency of the tariff by how much shit had been thrown.

It wasn’t long before this phenomenal ability caught the attention of Washington.

After earning an honorary degree in economics from Harvard, Pumpy finally received the highest honor a monkey can receive when she was granted unrestricted control of tariffs on foreign exports during Trump’s second term.

Monkey Business

Pumpulina was all ready to bring the United States into a new era of unprecedented economic prosperity however, Pumpulina unfortunately contracted rabies mere days before Trump took office.

None of the staffers seemed to notice the monkey’s increasingly erratic behaviour and illogical economic decisions. They were all blinded by Lil Pump’s former brilliance.

Pumpu-Baby decided to incur massive tariffs that increased over time and then u-turned on a bunch of others in a strategy that would only make sense to a rabid monkey. Everyone went along with the choices, however, because, of course, the Pump-inator knows what she’s doing.

But rabies comes for us all in the end, and Ms. Pumpulina tragically lost her long battle with the debilitating virus, passing away in her sleep this Friday.

Pumpulina will receive a state funeral and be buried in the Capitol Rotunda.

And the tariffs are likely to get a bit more sensible from now on.

Rest In Peace, Pumpulina.

Unmasked singer, Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson, AKA Katy Perry, has opened up about her struggle with adjusting to life back on Earth following her marketing stunt, sorry, ‘mission’ to visit the atmosphere of Earth, sorry, ‘space’.

“How do I describe my experience?” said Perry on the Blue Origin livestream, “Well, to quote my popular song, E.T. ft Kayne West, ‘It’s supernatural: extraterrestrial.’”

“When you are weightless in space, you feel, how do I put this… weightless. And you look out into the infinite black void of space, and it just feels so much bigger than the infinite black void of your career. Really gives you perspective, you know?”

Perry, who spent a total of four minutes in space, now says she is finding Earth life challenging, “I dropped a coffee cup the other day thinking it would just float there, but it didn’t. Now, I sleep standing up and I can’t eat anything that isn’t astronaut ice cream.”

Taking Up Too Much Space

The 40-year-old singer now plans to make her return shortly, but this time on a one-way trip.

“I just feel I must return. Space is my true home now. I need to be amongst the stars with the lizard men of Gylorp 5. Wait, I wasn’t supposed to mention them. Can you cut that bit out?”

Perry has booked passage on NASA’s first mission to Mars planned for 2035. Whereas all other crew members will serve the roles of engineers, doctors, and scientists, Katy will be the mission’s “Bard” and “Perform some of the many hits from my catalogue and just keep the love flowing. Trust.”

This Mars mission will be one-way for Perry, who claims she hopes to die on the red planet.

“To infuse my red blood with the red earth would bring God one thousand smiles.”

Katy Perry’s single, ‘Firework’, is out now.

Insightful Perspective

Just for giggles, here’s Perry’s post-landing interview answers in full:

Interviewer: How do you feel?

“I feel super connected to love, so connected to love I think this experience has shown me you never know how much love is inside of you like how much love you have to give and how loved you are until the day you launch.”

Why was it important to bring a daisy?

“Daisies are common flowers but they grow through any condition they grow through cement they go through cracks they grow through walls they are resilient they are powerful they are strong they are everywhere flowers are to me God’s smile but it’s also a reminder of our beautiful earth and the flowers here and God’s smile and the beautiful magic that is everywhere all around us and even in a simple daisy so to really appreciate it and remember it and take care of it and protect it.”

What was the song you sang up there?

“What a wonderful world.”

Why was that important to sing that particular song?

“I’ve covered that song in the past and um obviously like my higher self is always steering the ship because I had no clue that one day I would decide to sing a little bit of that in space but I think that it’s not about me it’s not about singing my songs it’s about a collective energy in there it’s about us it’s about making space for future women and taking up space and belonging and it’s about this wonderful world that we see right out there and appreciating it this is all for the benefit of Earth.”

Where does this experience rate for you?

“This experience is second to being a mom yeah that’s it and that’s why it was hard for me to go because that’s all my love right there and and I have to surrender and trust that the universe is going to take care of me and protect me and also my family and my daughter because like I am full up from being able to get that gift of be being a mom and and to go to space is incredible and I wanted to model courage and um worthiness and fearlessness.”

What was your mom’s reaction:

“I have only seen my mom and I was like “Are you okay mom?” She just She just knew she knew she was totally okay and I I’m sure she was speaking in tongues underneath her breath as she does um all the time she would do that for anything else but definitely today um but she was so super confident my mom she has this thing where she can see i mean even down to the name of like the capsule being tortoise.”

“I just asked for a sign from the heavens from my angels and they’re like “Well here’s the feather which is what your mother calls you.” And if that’s not enough the capsule is named tortoise which is your second nickname that your mother calls you i’m like “Okay I’m going i’m going i got the message and I’m going to get the message.”

Describe the moment you took off and landed.

“I mean it is the highest high and it is surrender to the unknown trust um and this whole journey is not just about going to space it’s the training it’s the the team it’s the whole thing I couldn’t recommend this experience more this is like up there with all the you know different um tools that I’ve learned in my life for meditation to the Hoffman process this is up there because what you’re doing is you’re find you’re like really finding the love for yourself because you got to trust in yourself on this journey and then you’re feeling the love when you come down for sure and you’re feeling that strength so I feel really connected to that strong divine feminine right now.”

Will you write a song about this experience?

“Oh for sure and not only that I um got to reveal my set list for the tour on a butterfly how apppropo incredible just flying in space i don’t know if anyone’s ever in space i don’t know if anyone’s ever done that before so I’ll just…”

“10 out of 10, that’s my review. Definitely go for it. 10 out of 10.”

In an idea that has never before been tried for good reason, Donald ‘The Jay’ Trump will attempt to add a secret third direction to the US stock markets after no one seemed to like the ups and downs of last week.

The news follows the topic of Trump’s tumultuous tariffs that have left everyone second-guessing the cost of their bulk order of defective Chinese defibrillators.

“We’re going to make a big announcement, Tuesday, maybe, maybe, later, but it’s going to be big,” explained Trump succiencely in a press conference today. “We’ve tried up, we’ve tried down, you people didn’t seem to like either, so we’re doing something else. Maybe a loopdeloop, I don’t know. Maybe a dead end? Could be fun. We’ll see.”

Financial analysts reportedly have their fingers crossed that Trump’s new direction will simply be a straight, flat line. You know, just to give everyone a breather, catch up with themselves for once.

Simultaneously, financial analysts are keeping their fingers uncrossed for the very real possibility that Trump’s secret third direction might be backwards.

“Trump’s made a lot of unprecedented changes recently,” explained Barry Gurstewin, CEO of MoneySlut, “Maybe he does have the power to reverse time, we just don’t know.”

A new direction of backwards would correspond with Trump’s desire to ‘Make America Great Again’ (or Mamericaga for short), a statement which famously refers to the past.

Speculants in the finance sector (them again) also suggest that this whole thing might be a grift, like a pump and dump but on a national, nay, global level. It’s simple, you just short the economy or sell before the dip, then crash the economy, then undo what you did so it’s all back to normal, and in the chaos of whatever the next thing is, everyone will forget this ever happened. It’s so simple an idiot could do it. …Or an idiot could do it by accident. Unclear which one we’ve got here…

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