Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

It’s Christmas time of year and we’re asking for presents, buying presents, giving presents and just all around moving money around in a circle. So what’s the really best present you can get? Money.

So here it is, after a year of watching the markets, here are the best investments from 2025 that’ll fill your stockings for 2026:

Number 10: SpaceX

By the time you’re reading this SpaceX could easily be a public company and by that point you’re already too late. But if you happen to be a SpaceX employee, Elon Musk or in a position to mug someone with SpaceX shares, I’d take it.

Number 9: Nvidia

I mean, come on, the world’s most valuable company? It goes without saying it’s on this list. $5 trillion dollars worth of money in value? Yeah, I’d like a piece of that action. The only question is, why is this at number four? What could possibly be a better investment than Nvidia?

Number 8: Shorting Nvidia

Let’s face it, what goes up must come down and Nvidia is up with not much anywhere else it can go. They said the Titanic was too big to fail, they said the same about the banks in 2000. Yes, 2026 will be the year the AI bubble burst and Nvidia will be the ones left with wet, soapy, sloppy hands.

Number 7: Reverse Cramer

A classic. Can’t go wrong. The only portfolio that’ll go all the way.

Number 6: Jesus, only six? I’m running out of ideas. Sure, Jesus, it’s Christmas after all, why not, invest in Jesus.

I mean, Pascal had it right, he’s an almighty super being that if he’s real you’re going to be very, very rich so might as well get in on the ground floor, spiritually speaking.

Number 5: Stonks

Like regular stonks but these go a bit more wiggly. Plus, extra bonus meme. Good invest.

Number 4: The dog track

I’ve got a sure thing on Lucky Trimmings, Thursday’s race. All your money on him, I’m telling you. It’s a sure thing.

Number 3: Wall Street Memes Casino Dot Com

Speaking of sure things: gamble all your money with us. It’s a great investment, promise. Hey, don’t forget this whole site is just an advert. I’ve got to shill my product now, don’t I?

Number 2: Warren Buffett’s Will

I mean, if you can get in there before it’s too late, I’m just saying, you’ll be minted, sire. MINTED.

Number 1: Yourself

No better investment. Forget everything above. If you want to make real dollar, invest in yourself. You’ve got this.

The richest man in the world just got significantly more richerer because Tesla hit a new high and SpaceX’s latest tender offer just valued the company at $800 billion dollars in actual money rocketing Musky-Man’s net worth to $684.3 billion dollars in actual monetaries.

It all makes you wonder, what does a man like Musk possibly buy himself for Christmas? Well, I just happen to have his letter to Santa right here on my desk and it looks like he’s in the market for an entire country.

So without further ado, in no particular order, here are five countries that have a GDP lower than Elon Musk’s net worth (that means you can buy it then, right?):

5. Belgium – $665b

This is the most expensive country on Elon’s list even though it’s pretty small and there’s not really much there. What do they have, like, chocolate? I guess that’s cool, he could retire and become like Willy Wonka.

4. Israel – $540b

There’s only one way to solve the problems in the middle east and that’s to BUY ISRAEL. With this new purchase, Musk could achieve world peace or he could use his robots and spaceships for war. It’s entirely up to him. …Man, Musk really is on the brink of becoming Lex Luthor, isn’t he?

3. Kazakhstan – $288b

The largest item in Elon’s shopping basket here, Kazakhstan is over a million square miles of beautiful verdant scenery. With this new land he could probably build a Grok-powered city, or maybe a hyperloop that actually goes somewhere. Or maybe the meme king will just build a giant statue of Borat.

2. The United Arab Emirates – $537b

Now this one surprised me, I didn’t expect the home of billionaire’s playground, Dubai to have a lower GDP than some other countries on this list but here we are. Hey, if you’re for sale UAE, then Elon’s buying. I’m just saying.

1. Literally any country that’s not the US, China, Germany, Japan, India, UK, France, Italy, Canada, Brazil, Russia, Mexico, Australia, Spain, South Korea, Indonesia, Turkey, Saudi Arabia, Netherlands, Switzerland or Poland

Name a country, any country in the world and so long as it’s not on the above list it’s GPD is lower than Elon’s current net worth.

Crazy.

PayPal Holdings Incorporated (PHISH) just applied to become a bank, even though they’re not a bank, you need to have walls and a door, and a bank teller called Marjorie would won’t let you withdraw $15,000 from your uncle’s account even though you have a note saying that he lets you, and it’s fine.

The move is an attempt to make use of Trump’s openness to fintech companies joining the banking sector. He’s also open to bribes, but I’d keep that in your back pocket for when you really need it.

The application to form a Utah-chartered industrial loan company was submitted to the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp and the Utah Department of Financial Institutions and oh my god I fell asleep that’s so boring.

PayPal? More like PayI’mNotYourPalFriend

If approved, this could mean PayPal can hand out more small business loans but I also is step one onto the road to winning the coveted title of ‘bank’.

Now, this could all be a clever move on the part of PayPal because if we learned anything from the 2008 financial crisis it’s that there are some banks that are too big to fail which means that the government, by which I mean the taxpayer, has to bail them out so we all don’t die.

I know how it works, the government has a big red button in a glass case somewhere and a sign above it reads, “In case of financial crisis, hit button to bail out banks.” Now that’ll automatically pay the bank CEOs the billions that they need to keep their indoor pools heated (god forbid) BUT if you’re not on that list of ‘banks’ you don’t get squat, Marjorie.

So that’s clearly PayPal’s plan, become a bank, then just sit tight and wait for the world to burn.

Good luck with that.

SpaceX is about to complete a tender offer that will send the company stratospheric and rocket it to space where the aliens are (see what I did there? It’s a space pun).

This would boost (ok, I’ll stop) the company to a valuation of $800 billion, which is more money than I currently have.

Don’t freak out, though. SpaceX isn’t a public company yet. This was an insider share sale where the stocks were valued at $421 a share/per share (p/s).

But who’s the biggest winner out of all this? Well, unless you’re a big business nerd, the answer may shock you. Are you sitting down? Ok…

It’s Elon Musk.

I know, I know, calm down, it’s unexpected. BUT the other big winner out of this is none other than Google’s parent company: The Alphabet (of English language fame).

Yeah, turns out Google is one of the biggest investors in Musk Space Venture Dot Com, and has been since at least 2015. Who knew? Not me. Hopefully them.

This news comes hot off the heels that SpaceX (SPACO) is reportedly considering an IPO (initial public option) that would rocket boost (I can’t help myself) the company to a $1 trillion dollars in money valuation.

“It’s going to be the craziest IPO in the history of the stock market,” said Shay Boloor, chief market strategist for Futurum Equities Research, in an interview in which he himself went crazy. “If it’s trying to go for $1.5 trillion, I ‌wouldn’t be surprised if it goes up to over $2 trillion once it gets open.”

To da moon!

SpaceX hasn’t had a problem raising money in the past, but a public offering might significantly increase the company’s cash flow. As any good rocket scientist, economist, and gastroenterologist will tell you, when it comes to rocket fuel, cash flow, and fecal matter: liquid is better.

But the big one to profit isn’t just SpaceX investors, it’s the big man, the man in charge, the top dog, his muskiness himself: JOHN CENA!! Jk, ELON MUSK!!

With SpaceX’s cash explosion, Musk will likely go from being the world’s richest man to being the world’s richest man but more so. Estimators estimate that he will likely reach the one trillion mark that he’s been so desperate to achieve ever since his mother didn’t love him.

Related article: Tesla Approved Elon’s $1trl Pay Package, Here’s What It’ll Take For Him to Win It

SpaceX? More like, SpaceXcusetogetmoremoneyoffpeople

The downside is that Musk will then be beholden to those pathetic snivelling losers, what are they called? Oh yeah, ‘shareholders’. Bleh.

They already kicked off when he asked for a DESERVED one trillion pay package for not quitting his job and that’s not fair, ok? Well, now they might be whiny bitches again and hold back THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE FROM GOING INTERPLANETARY.

Do you want that? No. So give us your money and don’t have any other input beyond that, got it? Ok? Ok.

Glad we could straighten that out. You may leave now.

The-Only-President-I’m-Interested-In-Personally Donald Trump, recently said that he would consider removing federal tax on gambling winnings but mainly because he knows about a sure thing on the horses tonight.

Speaking to reporters on Air Force One, which is where they all live now, Trump said that “We have no tax on tips, we have no tax on Social Security, and we have no tax on overtime. No tax on gambling winnings, I don’t know. I’m gonna have to think about that.”

Better think quick Don, because I’ve got a three-way parlay on whether you’ll cut this tax or not.

trump gambling tweet — Can’t tell if that’s an AI picture or not…

Now, this isn’t just a bribe to win votes, this could be a really boon for anyone who makes money from gambling, like Wall Street Memes Casino Dot Com for example. As an online casino we only make money when people like you lose money. Yes, it’s you suckers that keep me employed.

So if Trump ditches the tax on winnings thing, it’s going to encourage more people to gamble, thinking they’re going to win more and then they’re going to lose more at our casino and then I can get a pay rise.

Thank you Mr. Trump!

I know who I’m voting for next election. That’s right, Jill Stein. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah…

Trump, Pump and Dump

Ok, I’m reading about the different tax brackets for gambling payouts and BORING. Honestly, if you can scrap all that just to make it less boring to read that’ll actually be great thank you very much.

Alright, I think that’s it from me, I’m off to bet everything I own at Wall Street Memes Casino Dot Com and then wait to cash out when Trump approves this law.

Ttfn!

In related but completely opposite news: Trump Reveals Plan To Tax Gambling Losses, Degens Now 10% More Unlucky

We’re screwed.

Like, I’m not even going to attempt to write an informative, meaningful, or even entertaining article here, because what’s the point? Disney is going to let Sora AI use characters from its properties like Star Wars, Pixar, Marvel etc. and you know that phrase, if you can’t beat them, join them? Well, one of the most powerful entertainment corporations in the world feels like they can’t beat them, then who even can?

We’re screwed.

I suppose Disney had no hope of holding back the tidal wave of AI shit that’s been pouring straight into our mouths for the past few years. They’ve already been using Disney’s IP without care or retribution. Many had held out hope that Disney would be the ones to finally put a stop to all this nonsense. “Just you wait until the Disney lawyers get whiff of AI using Mickey Mouse without paying royalties!”

Well, yeah, they got whiff, and what they whiffed was a goddamn penny to be made. Now the knight you had relied on slaying the dragon has joined the dragon and now they’re both coming to burn down our whole village.

Disney AI movies — Disney took one look at this at thought, “Yep, yes please, I want exactly that but with my licensed characters in it, please.”

We’re screwed.

It’s crazy to think that this is the same, famously litigious, Walt Disney Company that once sued a preschool for painting a mural with their licensed characters, lobbied for almost a century to change copyright law so they’d keep control of Michael K. Mouse, would slam down hard if you so much as breathed their characters in an offbrand way… and now… and now that same company will let literally anyone make literally any uncanny-vallley monstrosity they feel like out of those same characters?

No, not that Disney Sora… What, you going to sue me for using this image? Well, what if I said I generated it with AI?

When will we learn? A corporation does not care about the sanctity of its brand. It never did. They don’t care about the sanctity of art. They never did. It can only follow money. It’s all it ever cared about. The only difference between OpenAI and a preschool is that there’s money to be made from Sora users.

So what’s next? I mean, the company has already shown that they will plumb the depths of their integrity to churn out shot-for-shot-but-somehow-with-the-soul-missing remakes of whatever will make them the most cash. So if AI will make them money, if AI movies will make them money, if they’re cheaper and faster than paying animators, even if the quality is far worse, then you bet your frozen head they’ll do it.

Heck, spitting on artistry and innovation might not be what Walt would have wanted, but not paying your employees? Well, that’s Disney through and through.

Either way, if you’re a fan of movies, art, fun, joy, human expression, well…

Well, we’re not quite screwed.

So long as humans exist, those things will always exist. Humans have only ever created. Only ever expressed themselves. It’s just that the forces that don’t care for those things and prefer power and money, well, those forces are about to get a bit more powerful and a bit more richerer.

The dragon is bigger. The knight has thicker armour. But this village is made of fire-retardant asbestos, bitch.

Yes? No? Maybe? Idk, why are you looking at me??

Gold is up, silver is up, Bitcoin’s up, that can only mean one thing: everyone thinks a rate cut is around the corner.

We’ll find out today but it’s looking like the fed are gearing up for a rate cut. How do they know? I literally have no idea. I have no idea how this works. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I am woefully underqualified for this job. I don’t belong here. I don’t even know what a rate cut is. Is that when the amount of interest goes down or is it the rate of interest increasing goes down?

And why are the numbers so small? It’s only ever like 2 points, is that the same as a percentage? Why does everyone freak out about such small numbers? Literally all the headlines are talking about the fed and Powell. Stock bros are betting on this stuff. Why? I just don’t get it and honestly I don’t know why you’re still here. Do you think you’re going to get some actual useful information?

Did you think I could answer the clickbait question in the headline? No, madam, I am asking the question. Will Powell do it? What is it? What’s he even going to do? I DON’T KNOW SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME.

Rate Cut? Idk, I’d say about a 7/10

Something to do with Donald Trump? Maybe.

Will this affect the price of apples? I do care about the price of apples. I buy a LOT of apples.

Alright. So that’s that. I feel like I’ve covered this story right? I mean, what else are you looking for, why are you still here? You want more information? Look literally anywhere else. Please. I beg of you. Wall Street Memes is not the place to be getting solid financial advice.

Go outside and touch a bank, idk, whatever the finance equivalent of touch grass is.

K, love you, bye…

Cheap as chips

Tbf I haven’t actually heard anything about Mr Huang responding, but you can probably imagine him being mad about it. Him just seething. Just cooking in his leather jacket…

Anyways, online booksellers, ‘Amazon Dot Com’ launched their new AI chip ‘Trainium3’ on Tuesday and according to the corp servers on that chip are 4x faster, energy efficient than previous generations and are up to 40% cheaper than Nvidia’s competitor chips.

But they would say that, wouldn’t they?

“Trainium already represents a multibillion-dollar business today and continues to grow really rapidly,” Amazon Web Services CEO Matt Garman said during the tech giant’s annual event, re:Invent. Sure, like I’m trusting the guy who pressed off and on again on the internet a couple months ago.

The awkward thing is that Amazon is a massive Nvidia customer. In fact, more than 10% of Lama Zone’s capital expenditure (that CapEx to all the cool boys out there) goes to Nvidia and in return, Amazon is 7.5% of Nvidia’s revenue.

So you’re saying the money’s just going round in a circle? What’s another word for a 3D circle again? Oh yeah: a bubble.

…what does all this have to do with selling books?

Previously on, ‘Tech Oligopoly: The Series’

Back in November, Amazon got a 5% stock boost from the announcement that OpenAI will access hundreds of thousands of Nvidia graphics cards through its cloud computing service.

The deal was just one of many that OpenAI made this year. $300 billion with Oracle. $22 billion with CoreWave. Plus the ink’s only just dried on agreements with Broadcom, AMD, Nvidia and my mate Nigel who has a basement that they can use if Sharon kicks them out again.

And it looks like OpenAI might need it soon because, lady and gentleman, the bubble is at a-bursting point.

Nvidia just topped $5 trillion. OpenAI is about to be worth $1 trillion with barely any revenue (but hey, they are a non-profit). And everyone’s getting into bed with each other, assuring that if one drowns, they all drown (not sure why the bed’s in the ocean, but here we are).

Maybe at least one of those data points will change soon however, as OpenAI have started to work with Microsoft to see if they can change to a for-profit.

Let’s just see how all this pans out…

No.

Not content with an eternity in second place, silver has finally had a bigger rally than gold, doubling in value this year with a record 6% rise on Friday to a staggering $57.86 an ounce, completing a consecutive 6 days of winning.

Meanwhile, pathetic ‘gold’ only gained a shitty 0.6%, pffhhh. Yeah, it’s a record high for gold, too, but we’re used to gold being the winning metal. Boring. Move over.

Oh, wait, sorry, wrong graph, this is my heart rate, please, call an ambulance…

A Silver Lining

America’s gold reserve, Fort Knox, has said that they will be throwing all of their worthless gold into a lake and replacing it all with bars of sweet, sweet silver.

Athletes everywhere are saying they no longer want to sink their teeth into gold, but are hoping to win silver at their next competitive event.

Dictionaries have announced that they will be removing the terms ‘the gold standard’ and ‘worth its weight in gold’ and replacing the phrases with ‘the silver standard’ and ‘worth its weight in silver.’

And the next James Bond film has finally been announced, with a title to reflect this financial news, ‘Silverfinger’. Yes, the British super spy will face off against a man who covets silver above everything else like a weirdo.

FUN FACT: A kilogram of silver is heavier than a kilogram of gold!

Swedish pop group ABBA have said that they will release a new album of “even greater hits” called ‘ABBA: Silver.’

Rappers say they’ll be wearing silver grills and chains… errr… what else is gold?

Golden ticket? Golden brown? Brown sugar?

The sun? …no. Maybe that’ll do…

Needless to say, all that glitters is not gold; in fact, it might just be… something else. Silver? Maybe. Yes.

For more news that’s ‘gonna be golden’ (that’s a topical reference), read this: Gold Tops $4,000 For The First Time And The Reason Is Really Dumb

…although you probably can, it was for money, obviously. There you go, now you don’t have to read this article. I’m sorry I clickbaited you here under false pretences. Go ahead, go do something more productive with your day than wasting your time here.

An Italian man has been arrested for alleged benefit fraud after allegedly dressing up as his dead mother, allegedly.

The alleged 56-year-old from Borgo Virgilio allegedly claimed 53,000 alleged euros annually from alleged pension payments meant for his alleged mother, allegedly hiding her alleged body rather than reporting her alleged death.

Allegedly.

Dead mom norman bates picture — I’m guessing his vibe is something like this but Italian.

It seems that he wasn’t repeatedly collecting the cheques dressed as a woman, but it was only when his mom’s ID expired that he had to go in person to get her paperwork renewed. Little problem, though: his mom was super dead.

Obviously, unless she had a really good skin routine and Mr. Man could pull off the ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ of the century, the three-year-old corpse probably wasn’t going to pass mustard (cut the muster? What’s the phrase?).

So, he had no choice: he had to Mrs. Doubtfire this shit.

As the mayor of Borgo Virgilio explained, he shuffled into the council office dressed as “an old woman,” wearing “lipstick, nail polish, jewellery and old-fashioned earrings, and had a dark brown bob of hair.”

Queen.

Dead Gorgeous

It was only thanks to the staff members’ deep-seated transphobia that the man was quickly spotted as a fraud.

The workers noticed that his neck “was a bit too thick and even the wrinkles were strange”, allegedly. “The skin on his hands did not seem to be that of an 85-year-old woman.”

So there we go, the investigation’s ongoing, but if there’s a lesson to be learned from all this, kids, it’s that you should really moisturize.

For more crazy true crime stories, don’t bother with a podcast, read this: NBA Stars And Mafiosi Arrested In Gambling Sting Worth Tens Of Millions

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Number 10: SpaceX

Number 9: Nvidia

Number 8: Shorting Nvidia

Number 7: Reverse Cramer

Number 6: Jesus, only six? I’m running out of ideas. Sure, Jesus, it’s Christmas after all, why not, invest in Jesus.

Number 5: Stonks

Number 4: The dog track

Number 3: Wall Street Memes Casino Dot Com

Number 2: Warren Buffett’s Will

Number 1: Yourself

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5. Belgium – $665b

4. Israel – $540b

3. Kazakhstan – $288b

2. The United Arab Emirates – $537b

1. Literally any country that’s not the US, China, Germany, Japan, India, UK, France, Italy, Canada, Brazil, Russia, Mexico, Australia, Spain, South Korea, Indonesia, Turkey, Saudi Arabia, Netherlands, Switzerland or Poland

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