Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

15%? So, back to last Thursday’s prices then?

PepsiCo! The company that confusingly makes more than just Pepsi, has announced plans to reduce the cost of snacks like Lay’s, Dorito’s, Cheeto’s, Tostito’s, Avocado’s “and more” (never heard of that last snack) by 15%, specifically so that you, the person reading this, can afford it.

The price slash should come into effect just before Super Bowl Sunday, aka ‘The Christmas of Snacks’, positioning PepsiCo snacks as more desirable on the shelf over this all important weekend.

Oh, sorry, sorry, no, they did this out of the kindness of their salty, salty hearts. Yes, millionaire CEO Rachel Ferdinando has personally “spent the past year listening closely to consumers, and they’ve told us they’re feeling the strain.”

“Lowering the suggested retail price reflects our commitment to help reduce the pressure where we can. Because people shouldn’t have to choose between great taste and staying within their budget.”

PepsiCo also plans to file for charity status within the coming days.

This massive humanitarian effort began when Elliot Management jumped on the flailing business with a $4 billion stake and vowed to turn around the business with steps such as these. You know, like what Jesus did.

According to an earning’s release (but not the press release) the hope is to improve “purchase frequency”. Oh, and also reduce the pressure and help people out of course. I mean, mainly the make money part, but helping people, yeah, yeah, that too. Why not both?

So, is this a sign that companies are finally seeing that things are too expensive? Well, I guess so, but we’ll only see real change if PepsiCo is successful here and if companies are so desperate they’re basically forced to. And if they can make money off it.

So, err, no, not really then, no.

Peter Thiel’s totally-not-evil™ tech company Palantir Technologies just had a massive rally of 10, no wait, 11, no wait, 12%! It literally keeps changing as I write this. And it’s looking like a rising tech company lifts all stocks because we’re seeing a lil bump for everyone. How generous.

The boost was triggered by PLTR’s latest quarterly earnings, which were $1.4 billion, well above Wall Street’s Predictions and 71% higher than the same period a year ago. And if that’s just a quarter of their earnings, imagine what the full amount is!

So why the long green candles? Well, Palantir had a massive 137% surge in domestic sales and a 66% bump in revenue from the US government and not just because Thiel and Trump are besties, but it doesn’t hurt.

But what does Palantir make exactly? Well, that’s a great question and the truth is: no one knows. Many people have wondered, but no one’s actually thought to ask them directly. Some say that it’s software of some kind or maybe computer integration… systems?

But who really cares! Whatever it is it’s selling like hotcakes so who needs to know?

That’s the thing about money, it doesn’t really matter what the product is or who’s selling it or why, just so long as the money keeps coming in and the numbers look good. I mean, you’ve got stocks right? Are you really that fussed about what the products actually are or are all these companies just numbers on a spreadsheet?

These people could be selling anything. Swap out tech with tulips and if the numbers were the same we’d still keep investing.

So when I tell you that Palantir’s AI-driven ‘ImmigrationOS’ is used by ICE to track down and deport immigrants, does it really matter? Number goes up, baby.

Ok, not that insane… it’s AI

This week the S&P, all 500 of them decided that you know what? I think it’s about time to top 7000 points, yeah? Yeah, let’s do it.

But then it bounced back to basically normal so it’s basically like it didn’t happen.

Here’s some numbers for you you nerd: The broad market index ended the day down 0.01% at 6,978.03. Earlier, the S&P 500 was up 0.3% on the day, hitting an all-time intraday high of 7,002.28. The Dow Jones Industrial Average added 12.19 points, or 0.02%, to close at 49,015.60. The Nasdaq Composite outperformed and gained 0.17%, settling at 23,857.45.

People think the main reason for the boost is that is buoying up the economy with massive growth in the tech sector.

Now the ball’s in the Fed’s court with their setting of the interest rates and what not.

Powell spoke up in response to the news saying, “I think, and many of my colleagues think, it’s hard to look at the incoming data and say the policy is significantly restrictive at this time.”

Geezzz booooriing, get a room grandpa, learn to drive granddad, buy a car and learn to drive you racist.

Ok, fine, so the Fed’s not going to do anything until Powell’s out probably which means that the ball’s actually in Trump’s court.

Who’s he going to pick? Who’s it going to be? Who-who-who-who-whooooo??

A lot is up in the air is the point.

But hey, S&P 500 7000 is great news, mixed bag what with interest rates and the weak dollar, but then gold’s good, so who’s to say?

Man, this whole economics stuff is hard, huh?

It means very little.

Unless you’re deep into this whole finance stuff. Idk, are you? Unless you’re shorting the economy this doesn’t mean much does it, let’s be honest. Like, what even is the economy anyway? What is economics? I don’t know. Something about the environment?

Or maybe your a small business, I guess then it might affect you. Or I guess if you pay taxes, it might affect taxes or something. And I suppose if you’re a consumer too, might change things there… ok, fine, maybe it does matter for you, but I’m saying probably not by much!

4.4% seems like a very small number and it is because that little symbol, the %, that means out of a hundred. A feel like numbers like 80 out of a hundred or a classic 99 out of a hundred, those are good big numbers, but 4.4? That’s a shitty number.

SO what it beats a two year record and in finance terms that’s actually quite a large boost? Let me make things perfectly clear to you I DON’T UNDERSTAND FINANCE TERMS. I’m just a random guy who never studied this and don’t know what you’re talking about. All I know is that ‘4’ is a small number. Objectively. So I’m not listening to your explanations, lalalalalalalala.

Apparently consumer spending is up too, what I bet it’s a meagre 3.5%. Oh it is? Yeah, see that’s what I’m saying! These aren’t big numbers people!!

And the thing is these gains aren’t in spite of Trump’s mega tariff spree, no, it might be that people started spending more precisely because they knew Trump’s tariffs were incoming. So, an adverse win there, congrats everyone involved.

Does this mean that the economy will then slump once this effect’s worn off? Yeah, maybe baby. Only time will tell you the time (that’s what they say, right?).

Gold, silver, bronze, nickel, everyone has a favorite metal but did you know that there’s more to metals than just shiny-shiny-clunk?

Yes, as Trump’s latest tariffs send gold and silver rocking to unprecedented ATHs we think it’s time to look back on the top five reasons why that’s probably a bad thing actually.

5. Soaring gold weakens the dollar

In short, gold is a more stable currency whereas everything else from dollars to Bitcoin are a bit more volatile. This means that when the economic forecast is more uncertain, investors will transfer their funds from dollars into less risky options like gold, meaning the almighty USD takes a massive hit.

4. Gold is now worth more than gold

It’s one of those classic economic paradoxes that no one has been able to solve. If gold is worth its weight in gold but then it becomes worth more, what’s it worth its weight in now? Diamonds? Human souls? Eggs? It’s hard to tell.

3. A gold boom is a recession indicator

Pride commeth before a fall and gold commeth before a market fall. For the reasons listed above, a big gold boom might be good for pawnshops but it’s an ill omen for the state of the economy and might signal a recession in the near future.

2. What am I supposed to do with all those gold rings I was planning to buy? I was planning to buy like fourteen golden rings, one for each finger and now what I’m supposed to do? THE WEDDING IS IN FIVE MINUTES I’M GOING TO BE LATE!

I cant afford all those rings now. Donald Trump, you have RUINED my special day.

1. We don’t know anything

Like, yes, we can imply some stuff from these developments, but no one, especially not economists have a crystal ball. Who knows what will happen with the economy, especially as Trump might reverse these tariffs on a whim like tomorrow and gold will fall again.

Let’s just buckle up and strap on for the ride.

Surprise surporuise

Ronald McPresident Trump has announced his plan to cap credit card interest rates and heads of America’s top banks have spoken out against the plan. But like, yeah, of course they have, what, is this seriously news?

“Senior executives for the nation’s four largest banks — JPMorgan Chase (JPM), Citigroup (C), Bank of America (BAC), and Wells Fargo (WFC) — all said they agree that affordability is an issue, but that limiting credit card interest rates isn’t the right approach to solve it.”

During a call with reporters, Citigroup’s CFO Mark Mason said that “An interest rate cap is not something that we would or could support, frankly [and would] likely result in a significant slowdown in the economy. Affordability is clearly an important issue and one that we look forward to collaborating with the administration on.”

But like, why would it slow down the economy?

Look, I’m a writer for wall street memes dot com, I don’t know dick about economics but if I had to guess I’d say a cap in how much the banks can earn off poor people’s debt is a good thing, no?

It’s OK, here’s Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan to explain, “If you bring the caps down, you’re going to get restricted credit, meaning less people will get credit cards, and the balance available to them on those credit cards will also be restricted. And so you have to balance that against what you’re trying to achieve on affordability.”

Again, err, I’m still not seeing how that’s a bad thing? That sounds bad for the banks an no one else. Am I missing something here? Like, why would that restrict the credit? Don’t you set the credit rates? I don’t understand. Someone explain this to me.

Is this all because all your banks have dipped like 7% on the stock market after this announcement, is that it? Because it feels like that might be connected…

Let’s see how this story plays out and whether Trump will even follow through on this plan. Until then check out more of this insightful coverage for all you financial news.

Corruption? No, that’s the guy we arrested, not US…

An anonymous crypto gambler netted almost half a million on a Polymarket bet that Maduro would be out just two days before he was ousted by Trump and if you can smell something fishy with that then you might just have a future in law enforcement.

Just five hours before the kidnapping, the secret better doubled down on their bet, implying that he (OR SHE) may have been privy to some of that tasty, tasty insider information.

The account was only one week old at the time of the bet and sure, maybe this brand new user got very lucky and cashed out immediately then disappeared, or…

Or they knew something that no one else did.

Well, people are taking note and in response to this story, Democrat Richie Torres announced a bill to crack down on government officials trading on prediction markets.

Maduro? more like, U Mad Bro?

It might be an uphill battle however as it seems that the powers that be paved the way for said insider trading.

As Futurism explains: “Back in October, Reuters reported that the Trump Media and Technology Group was working with Crypto.com to implement prediction market functionality into Truth Social. That came as dozens of federal investigations into crypto-based price fixing, securities fraud, and regulatory noncompliance have been dropped at the Trump administration’s urging. Two of those cases were against prediction platforms Polymarket —the very same implicated in the Venezuela allegations — and Kalshi, for selling options contracts related to congressional elections.”

Yep, this one goes all the way to the top.

Let’s circle back to this story in a couple years when it all comes out that Trump himself made the bet and is laughing all the way to the bank.

For more on this story, click here: Venezuela To Send US $2.8 Billion In Oil, Here’s Trump’s 5 Wildest Demands

In 2025, Polymarket gamblers put $3.3 million on Jesus’ return and now the site has renewed the bet for 2026. Call it a second coming.

“Will Jesus Christ return before 2027?” already has $160,190 pledged on a 3% chance the big JC’s encore will be this year. Only 4% have actually bet in favor of the lord, but he’s still got time to prove the haters wrong.

Oh, and if you were wondering, no he didn’t make his divine self known last year either. At least, that’s “a consensus of credible sources,” but what do they know?

Jesus Return Polymarket — Ok, but how is the graph going up and down? WHAT NEW INFORMATION COULD THEY POSSIBLY HAVE GAINED??

Pascal’s Wager

As many Redditors have been quick to point out, isn’t betting on Jesus Clearwater Revival a little bit counterintuitive since the moment he comes back to judge the living and the dead and smite the wicked won’t all your Polymarket winnings be a bit worthless?

“If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” – Matthew 19:21

“It’s harder to stick a needle into a camel than it is for you richos to enter the kingdom of heaven or something.” – Jezzer, the Bible.

Jesus Christ? More Like, Jesus MIGHT Come Back!

Now this might all be a bit of fun but what if it’s now? What if it’s deadly serious? This is people’s religion you’re messing with here. Some people get up every day and dedicate themselves to the whims of the stock market and you’re making light of that commitment.

As Melinda Roth, associate professor of Washington and Lee School of Law, told Bloomberg, it’s “distracting” and “diminishes the value of actual prediction markets that provide insights and useful information.”

So please stop, you’re being offensive.

As for the religious aspect well, everyone knows Jesus is just a bedtime story. You want to know what’s actually a sure thing? The second coming of the postman. Why? Because he always knocks twice of course!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Ha.

For more gambling news, read this: Trump Considers Cutting Tax On Gambling Winnings, Will The Bet Pay Off?

Ok, but what if we don’t want $2.8 billion dollars worth of oil? What if giving us that amount of oil WOULD DROWN US?? I will DIE if you dump $2.8 billion oils on me. PLEASE DO NOT GIVE THAT AMOUNT OF OIL TO US.

…oh, wait, you meant ‘U.S.’, the ‘United States’, not ‘us’ …ohhh, sorry, my bad, carry on.

So the news is that Donald President Trump is going to make Venezuela send America (us) 30 to 50 million barrels of oil. That’s worth anything upwards of $4.

But that’s just the beginning of Trump’s craziness so here’s our ranking of the top five wildest things he’s demanded of Venezuela.

5. Trump Claims ALL The Oils

Olive. Baby. Nerdy teens’ sweaty foreheads. If there’s oil in Venezuela, I’m sorry, but YOINK. That’s now the property of the United States Armed Forces LLC. Trump claims that all of Venezuelan’s $17.3T of oil is America’s. That’s a figure that would add more value to the US than all the GDP of every country in the world combined.

4. Machado Will Not Be President

Trump’s just salty that she’s got a Nobel Peace Prize and he doesn’t. Opposition leader Maria Corina Machado seemed like the obvious choice to take over from overthrown dictator Maduro but you know who would be a better choice? Maduro’s second in command. Yeah.

I’m sorry, did you think this was about democracy? Oh, you sweet summer child.

3. The Government Will Reimburse Oil Companies For Rebuilding Venezuelan Infrastructure

Mmm, yeah, that’s just not going to happen.

2. Trump Demands Venezuela Kick Out China and Russia From Their Oil Business

Jesus Christ we’re actually heading to a full blown war. This is it. This is how it starts. I’m restocking the fallout shelter kids, everyone grab a gasmask!!

1. Greenland’s Next

Trump’s reportedly already looking into options for taking Greenland which he says America “needs”. But they got Maduro for arms dealing and drug trafficking, what are they going to book Greenland’s president for, smuggling penguins? (“You said you exported ‘snow’?? Yeah, you’re going to prison for a long time, buddy.”)

Jesus, I go away for just a couple weeks and all this happens? Couldn’t your big coup have waited until I was back?

Conspiracy theory: Trump deliberately arrested the Venezuelan president over Christmas so no one would notice, EXCEPT pretty much everyone did notice and now it’s all anyone’s talking about.

And of course they are, it’s pretty crazy, this is an intervention into foreign governments like we haven’t seen since Iraq and we all know how that turned out.

Really well. Really super very well in fact.

So far this one’s only come up Millhouse too, yes, oil is more expensive now but on the other hand gold, silver, bitcoin and probably some other assets have rallied so who cares if people are going to die, right?

Point is we’re in a new era, as in we’re back in an old era, when America can take what it wants and give nothing back. International laws be damned.

No doubt Putin’s looking at this latest move with a smug smile, enjoying the sweet, sweet taste of irony. And no doubt Trump likely won’t be welcome at the next Russia/Ukraine negotiation having thrown stones in his glass house.

Coup D’Art

Greenland’s next on Trump’s hit list recently saying “we need Greenland.” I mean, that’s not ambiguous, is it? The Danish prime minister responded by saying, “that’s enough now.”

Careful there, Jens Frederik Nielsen or you might just get couped too.

So obviously there’s still a lot to unfold here. Maduro will stand (show) trial soon, the new PM Delcy Rodríguez has to win over Trump and Exxon Mobil needs to get their oil back because as always that’s what this is all about.

Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it or something.

Watch this space.

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