Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

Corruption? No, that’s the guy we arrested, not US…

An anonymous crypto gambler netted almost half a million on a Polymarket bet that Maduro would be out just two days before he was ousted by Trump and if you can smell something fishy with that then you might just have a future in law enforcement.

Just five hours before the kidnapping, the secret better doubled down on their bet, implying that he (OR SHE) may have been privy to some of that tasty, tasty insider information.

The account was only one week old at the time of the bet and sure, maybe this brand new user got very lucky and cashed out immediately then disappeared, or…

Or they knew something that no one else did.

Well, people are taking note and in response to this story, Democrat Richie Torres announced a bill to crack down on government officials trading on prediction markets.

Maduro? more like, U Mad Bro?

It might be an uphill battle however as it seems that the powers that be paved the way for said insider trading.

As Futurism explains: “Back in October, Reuters reported that the Trump Media and Technology Group was working with Crypto.com to implement prediction market functionality into Truth Social. That came as dozens of federal investigations into crypto-based price fixing, securities fraud, and regulatory noncompliance have been dropped at the Trump administration’s urging. Two of those cases were against prediction platforms Polymarket —the very same implicated in the Venezuela allegations — and Kalshi, for selling options contracts related to congressional elections.”

Yep, this one goes all the way to the top.

Let’s circle back to this story in a couple years when it all comes out that Trump himself made the bet and is laughing all the way to the bank.

For more on this story, click here: Venezuela To Send US $2.8 Billion In Oil, Here’s Trump’s 5 Wildest Demands

In 2025, Polymarket gamblers put $3.3 million on Jesus’ return and now the site has renewed the bet for 2026. Call it a second coming.

“Will Jesus Christ return before 2027?” already has $160,190 pledged on a 3% chance the big JC’s encore will be this year. Only 4% have actually bet in favor of the lord, but he’s still got time to prove the haters wrong.

Oh, and if you were wondering, no he didn’t make his divine self known last year either. At least, that’s “a consensus of credible sources,” but what do they know?

Jesus Return Polymarket — Ok, but how is the graph going up and down? WHAT NEW INFORMATION COULD THEY POSSIBLY HAVE GAINED??

Pascal’s Wager

As many Redditors have been quick to point out, isn’t betting on Jesus Clearwater Revival a little bit counterintuitive since the moment he comes back to judge the living and the dead and smite the wicked won’t all your Polymarket winnings be a bit worthless?

“If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” – Matthew 19:21

“It’s harder to stick a needle into a camel than it is for you richos to enter the kingdom of heaven or something.” – Jezzer, the Bible.

Jesus Christ? More Like, Jesus MIGHT Come Back!

Now this might all be a bit of fun but what if it’s now? What if it’s deadly serious? This is people’s religion you’re messing with here. Some people get up every day and dedicate themselves to the whims of the stock market and you’re making light of that commitment.

As Melinda Roth, associate professor of Washington and Lee School of Law, told Bloomberg, it’s “distracting” and “diminishes the value of actual prediction markets that provide insights and useful information.”

So please stop, you’re being offensive.

As for the religious aspect well, everyone knows Jesus is just a bedtime story. You want to know what’s actually a sure thing? The second coming of the postman. Why? Because he always knocks twice of course!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Ha.

For more gambling news, read this: Trump Considers Cutting Tax On Gambling Winnings, Will The Bet Pay Off?

Ok, but what if we don’t want $2.8 billion dollars worth of oil? What if giving us that amount of oil WOULD DROWN US?? I will DIE if you dump $2.8 billion oils on me. PLEASE DO NOT GIVE THAT AMOUNT OF OIL TO US.

…oh, wait, you meant ‘U.S.’, the ‘United States’, not ‘us’ …ohhh, sorry, my bad, carry on.

So the news is that Donald President Trump is going to make Venezuela send America (us) 30 to 50 million barrels of oil. That’s worth anything upwards of $4.

But that’s just the beginning of Trump’s craziness so here’s our ranking of the top five wildest things he’s demanded of Venezuela.

5. Trump Claims ALL The Oils

Olive. Baby. Nerdy teens’ sweaty foreheads. If there’s oil in Venezuela, I’m sorry, but YOINK. That’s now the property of the United States Armed Forces LLC. Trump claims that all of Venezuelan’s $17.3T of oil is America’s. That’s a figure that would add more value to the US than all the GDP of every country in the world combined.

4. Machado Will Not Be President

Trump’s just salty that she’s got a Nobel Peace Prize and he doesn’t. Opposition leader Maria Corina Machado seemed like the obvious choice to take over from overthrown dictator Maduro but you know who would be a better choice? Maduro’s second in command. Yeah.

I’m sorry, did you think this was about democracy? Oh, you sweet summer child.

3. The Government Will Reimburse Oil Companies For Rebuilding Venezuelan Infrastructure

Mmm, yeah, that’s just not going to happen.

2. Trump Demands Venezuela Kick Out China and Russia From Their Oil Business

Jesus Christ we’re actually heading to a full blown war. This is it. This is how it starts. I’m restocking the fallout shelter kids, everyone grab a gasmask!!

1. Greenland’s Next

Trump’s reportedly already looking into options for taking Greenland which he says America “needs”. But they got Maduro for arms dealing and drug trafficking, what are they going to book Greenland’s president for, smuggling penguins? (“You said you exported ‘snow’?? Yeah, you’re going to prison for a long time, buddy.”)

Jesus, I go away for just a couple weeks and all this happens? Couldn’t your big coup have waited until I was back?

Conspiracy theory: Trump deliberately arrested the Venezuelan president over Christmas so no one would notice, EXCEPT pretty much everyone did notice and now it’s all anyone’s talking about.

And of course they are, it’s pretty crazy, this is an intervention into foreign governments like we haven’t seen since Iraq and we all know how that turned out.

Really well. Really super very well in fact.

So far this one’s only come up Millhouse too, yes, oil is more expensive now but on the other hand gold, silver, bitcoin and probably some other assets have rallied so who cares if people are going to die, right?

Point is we’re in a new era, as in we’re back in an old era, when America can take what it wants and give nothing back. International laws be damned.

No doubt Putin’s looking at this latest move with a smug smile, enjoying the sweet, sweet taste of irony. And no doubt Trump likely won’t be welcome at the next Russia/Ukraine negotiation having thrown stones in his glass house.

Coup D’Art

Greenland’s next on Trump’s hit list recently saying “we need Greenland.” I mean, that’s not ambiguous, is it? The Danish prime minister responded by saying, “that’s enough now.”

Careful there, Jens Frederik Nielsen or you might just get couped too.

So obviously there’s still a lot to unfold here. Maduro will stand (show) trial soon, the new PM Delcy Rodríguez has to win over Trump and Exxon Mobil needs to get their oil back because as always that’s what this is all about.

Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it or something.

Watch this space.

It’s Christmas time of year and we’re asking for presents, buying presents, giving presents and just all around moving money around in a circle. So what’s the really best present you can get? Money.

So here it is, after a year of watching the markets, here are the best investments from 2025 that’ll fill your stockings for 2026:

Number 10: SpaceX

By the time you’re reading this SpaceX could easily be a public company and by that point you’re already too late. But if you happen to be a SpaceX employee, Elon Musk or in a position to mug someone with SpaceX shares, I’d take it.

Number 9: Nvidia

I mean, come on, the world’s most valuable company? It goes without saying it’s on this list. $5 trillion dollars worth of money in value? Yeah, I’d like a piece of that action. The only question is, why is this at number four? What could possibly be a better investment than Nvidia?

Number 8: Shorting Nvidia

Let’s face it, what goes up must come down and Nvidia is up with not much anywhere else it can go. They said the Titanic was too big to fail, they said the same about the banks in 2000. Yes, 2026 will be the year the AI bubble burst and Nvidia will be the ones left with wet, soapy, sloppy hands.

Number 7: Reverse Cramer

A classic. Can’t go wrong. The only portfolio that’ll go all the way.

Number 6: Jesus, only six? I’m running out of ideas. Sure, Jesus, it’s Christmas after all, why not, invest in Jesus.

I mean, Pascal had it right, he’s an almighty super being that if he’s real you’re going to be very, very rich so might as well get in on the ground floor, spiritually speaking.

Number 5: Stonks

Like regular stonks but these go a bit more wiggly. Plus, extra bonus meme. Good invest.

Number 4: The dog track

I’ve got a sure thing on Lucky Trimmings, Thursday’s race. All your money on him, I’m telling you. It’s a sure thing.

Number 3: Wall Street Memes Casino Dot Com

Speaking of sure things: gamble all your money with us. It’s a great investment, promise. Hey, don’t forget this whole site is just an advert. I’ve got to shill my product now, don’t I?

Number 2: Warren Buffett’s Will

I mean, if you can get in there before it’s too late, I’m just saying, you’ll be minted, sire. MINTED.

Number 1: Yourself

No better investment. Forget everything above. If you want to make real dollar, invest in yourself. You’ve got this.

The richest man in the world just got significantly more richerer because Tesla hit a new high and SpaceX’s latest tender offer just valued the company at $800 billion dollars in actual money rocketing Musky-Man’s net worth to $684.3 billion dollars in actual monetaries.

It all makes you wonder, what does a man like Musk possibly buy himself for Christmas? Well, I just happen to have his letter to Santa right here on my desk and it looks like he’s in the market for an entire country.

So without further ado, in no particular order, here are five countries that have a GDP lower than Elon Musk’s net worth (that means you can buy it then, right?):

5. Belgium – $665b

This is the most expensive country on Elon’s list even though it’s pretty small and there’s not really much there. What do they have, like, chocolate? I guess that’s cool, he could retire and become like Willy Wonka.

4. Israel – $540b

There’s only one way to solve the problems in the middle east and that’s to BUY ISRAEL. With this new purchase, Musk could achieve world peace or he could use his robots and spaceships for war. It’s entirely up to him. …Man, Musk really is on the brink of becoming Lex Luthor, isn’t he?

3. Kazakhstan – $288b

The largest item in Elon’s shopping basket here, Kazakhstan is over a million square miles of beautiful verdant scenery. With this new land he could probably build a Grok-powered city, or maybe a hyperloop that actually goes somewhere. Or maybe the meme king will just build a giant statue of Borat.

2. The United Arab Emirates – $537b

Now this one surprised me, I didn’t expect the home of billionaire’s playground, Dubai to have a lower GDP than some other countries on this list but here we are. Hey, if you’re for sale UAE, then Elon’s buying. I’m just saying.

1. Literally any country that’s not the US, China, Germany, Japan, India, UK, France, Italy, Canada, Brazil, Russia, Mexico, Australia, Spain, South Korea, Indonesia, Turkey, Saudi Arabia, Netherlands, Switzerland or Poland

Name a country, any country in the world and so long as it’s not on the above list it’s GPD is lower than Elon’s current net worth.

Crazy.

PayPal Holdings Incorporated (PHISH) just applied to become a bank, even though they’re not a bank, you need to have walls and a door, and a bank teller called Marjorie would won’t let you withdraw $15,000 from your uncle’s account even though you have a note saying that he lets you, and it’s fine.

The move is an attempt to make use of Trump’s openness to fintech companies joining the banking sector. He’s also open to bribes, but I’d keep that in your back pocket for when you really need it.

The application to form a Utah-chartered industrial loan company was submitted to the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp and the Utah Department of Financial Institutions and oh my god I fell asleep that’s so boring.

PayPal? More like PayI’mNotYourPalFriend

If approved, this could mean PayPal can hand out more small business loans but I also is step one onto the road to winning the coveted title of ‘bank’.

Now, this could all be a clever move on the part of PayPal because if we learned anything from the 2008 financial crisis it’s that there are some banks that are too big to fail which means that the government, by which I mean the taxpayer, has to bail them out so we all don’t die.

I know how it works, the government has a big red button in a glass case somewhere and a sign above it reads, “In case of financial crisis, hit button to bail out banks.” Now that’ll automatically pay the bank CEOs the billions that they need to keep their indoor pools heated (god forbid) BUT if you’re not on that list of ‘banks’ you don’t get squat, Marjorie.

So that’s clearly PayPal’s plan, become a bank, then just sit tight and wait for the world to burn.

Good luck with that.

SpaceX is about to complete a tender offer that will send the company stratospheric and rocket it to space where the aliens are (see what I did there? It’s a space pun).

This would boost (ok, I’ll stop) the company to a valuation of $800 billion, which is more money than I currently have.

Don’t freak out, though. SpaceX isn’t a public company yet. This was an insider share sale where the stocks were valued at $421 a share/per share (p/s).

But who’s the biggest winner out of all this? Well, unless you’re a big business nerd, the answer may shock you. Are you sitting down? Ok…

It’s Elon Musk.

I know, I know, calm down, it’s unexpected. BUT the other big winner out of this is none other than Google’s parent company: The Alphabet (of English language fame).

Yeah, turns out Google is one of the biggest investors in Musk Space Venture Dot Com, and has been since at least 2015. Who knew? Not me. Hopefully them.

This news comes hot off the heels that SpaceX (SPACO) is reportedly considering an IPO (initial public option) that would rocket boost (I can’t help myself) the company to a $1 trillion dollars in money valuation.

“It’s going to be the craziest IPO in the history of the stock market,” said Shay Boloor, chief market strategist for Futurum Equities Research, in an interview in which he himself went crazy. “If it’s trying to go for $1.5 trillion, I ‌wouldn’t be surprised if it goes up to over $2 trillion once it gets open.”

To da moon!

SpaceX hasn’t had a problem raising money in the past, but a public offering might significantly increase the company’s cash flow. As any good rocket scientist, economist, and gastroenterologist will tell you, when it comes to rocket fuel, cash flow, and fecal matter: liquid is better.

But the big one to profit isn’t just SpaceX investors, it’s the big man, the man in charge, the top dog, his muskiness himself: JOHN CENA!! Jk, ELON MUSK!!

With SpaceX’s cash explosion, Musk will likely go from being the world’s richest man to being the world’s richest man but more so. Estimators estimate that he will likely reach the one trillion mark that he’s been so desperate to achieve ever since his mother didn’t love him.

Related article: Tesla Approved Elon’s $1trl Pay Package, Here’s What It’ll Take For Him to Win It

SpaceX? More like, SpaceXcusetogetmoremoneyoffpeople

The downside is that Musk will then be beholden to those pathetic snivelling losers, what are they called? Oh yeah, ‘shareholders’. Bleh.

They already kicked off when he asked for a DESERVED one trillion pay package for not quitting his job and that’s not fair, ok? Well, now they might be whiny bitches again and hold back THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE FROM GOING INTERPLANETARY.

Do you want that? No. So give us your money and don’t have any other input beyond that, got it? Ok? Ok.

Glad we could straighten that out. You may leave now.

The-Only-President-I’m-Interested-In-Personally Donald Trump, recently said that he would consider removing federal tax on gambling winnings but mainly because he knows about a sure thing on the horses tonight.

Speaking to reporters on Air Force One, which is where they all live now, Trump said that “We have no tax on tips, we have no tax on Social Security, and we have no tax on overtime. No tax on gambling winnings, I don’t know. I’m gonna have to think about that.”

Better think quick Don, because I’ve got a three-way parlay on whether you’ll cut this tax or not.

trump gambling tweet — Can’t tell if that’s an AI picture or not…

Now, this isn’t just a bribe to win votes, this could be a really boon for anyone who makes money from gambling, like Wall Street Memes Casino Dot Com for example. As an online casino we only make money when people like you lose money. Yes, it’s you suckers that keep me employed.

So if Trump ditches the tax on winnings thing, it’s going to encourage more people to gamble, thinking they’re going to win more and then they’re going to lose more at our casino and then I can get a pay rise.

Thank you Mr. Trump!

I know who I’m voting for next election. That’s right, Jill Stein. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah…

Trump, Pump and Dump

Ok, I’m reading about the different tax brackets for gambling payouts and BORING. Honestly, if you can scrap all that just to make it less boring to read that’ll actually be great thank you very much.

Alright, I think that’s it from me, I’m off to bet everything I own at Wall Street Memes Casino Dot Com and then wait to cash out when Trump approves this law.

Ttfn!

In related but completely opposite news: Trump Reveals Plan To Tax Gambling Losses, Degens Now 10% More Unlucky

We’re screwed.

Like, I’m not even going to attempt to write an informative, meaningful, or even entertaining article here, because what’s the point? Disney is going to let Sora AI use characters from its properties like Star Wars, Pixar, Marvel etc. and you know that phrase, if you can’t beat them, join them? Well, one of the most powerful entertainment corporations in the world feels like they can’t beat them, then who even can?

We’re screwed.

I suppose Disney had no hope of holding back the tidal wave of AI shit that’s been pouring straight into our mouths for the past few years. They’ve already been using Disney’s IP without care or retribution. Many had held out hope that Disney would be the ones to finally put a stop to all this nonsense. “Just you wait until the Disney lawyers get whiff of AI using Mickey Mouse without paying royalties!”

Well, yeah, they got whiff, and what they whiffed was a goddamn penny to be made. Now the knight you had relied on slaying the dragon has joined the dragon and now they’re both coming to burn down our whole village.

Disney AI movies — Disney took one look at this at thought, “Yep, yes please, I want exactly that but with my licensed characters in it, please.”

We’re screwed.

It’s crazy to think that this is the same, famously litigious, Walt Disney Company that once sued a preschool for painting a mural with their licensed characters, lobbied for almost a century to change copyright law so they’d keep control of Michael K. Mouse, would slam down hard if you so much as breathed their characters in an offbrand way… and now… and now that same company will let literally anyone make literally any uncanny-vallley monstrosity they feel like out of those same characters?

No, not that Disney Sora… What, you going to sue me for using this image? Well, what if I said I generated it with AI?

When will we learn? A corporation does not care about the sanctity of its brand. It never did. They don’t care about the sanctity of art. They never did. It can only follow money. It’s all it ever cared about. The only difference between OpenAI and a preschool is that there’s money to be made from Sora users.

So what’s next? I mean, the company has already shown that they will plumb the depths of their integrity to churn out shot-for-shot-but-somehow-with-the-soul-missing remakes of whatever will make them the most cash. So if AI will make them money, if AI movies will make them money, if they’re cheaper and faster than paying animators, even if the quality is far worse, then you bet your frozen head they’ll do it.

Heck, spitting on artistry and innovation might not be what Walt would have wanted, but not paying your employees? Well, that’s Disney through and through.

Either way, if you’re a fan of movies, art, fun, joy, human expression, well…

Well, we’re not quite screwed.

So long as humans exist, those things will always exist. Humans have only ever created. Only ever expressed themselves. It’s just that the forces that don’t care for those things and prefer power and money, well, those forces are about to get a bit more powerful and a bit more richerer.

The dragon is bigger. The knight has thicker armour. But this village is made of fire-retardant asbestos, bitch.

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Maduro? more like, U Mad Bro?

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