Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

Federal investigators have confirmed that the long-awaited Epstein client list was not typed, but handwritten on a single, slightly damp cocktail napkin with a black Sharpie permanent marker. The revelation has led forensic analysts and cable news pundits to a single, damning conclusion: Donald J. Trump is, quote, “so unbelievably screwed.”

While the actual names on the list are still being deciphered due to what experts call “aggressive, near-illegible scrawling,” the choice of writing instrument has become the central focus of the investigation, eclipsing all other evidence.

“The facts are clear,” announced MSNBC’s chief forensic grapho-political analyst, Dr. Alistair Finch, pointing a wooden stick at a massive, pixelated image of a single letter ‘G’. “Note the bold, authoritative pressure. The inconsistent ink flow suggests it was wielded by someone of immense, perhaps world-leading, confidence. And, most damningly, the faint but distinct odor of n-propanol, n-butanol, and diacetone alcohol. It’s a signature scent profile we’ve only encountered once before: in the instruction manual for Trump: The Game.”

The news sent markets into a frenzy, with the newly-created ‘Sharpie Guilt Index’ ($SGI) plummeting 400 points. Meanwhile, shares in Newell Brands, the parent company of Sharpie, are being shorted into oblivion by Redditors on r/wallstreetbets who believe the brand is now “irrevocably tainted by presidential-level scrawling.”

“This changes the entire investment thesis,” explained Chad ‘DiamondHandz420’ Broskow, a financial analyst for MemeStonk Analytics. “We were pricing in guilt based on flight logs and circumstantial evidence. We completely failed to model for a Black Swan ink event. My God, the man signed executive orders with it. He autographed MAGA hats with it. It’s his Excalibur. Who else could it be? Biden writes with a dainty little fountain pen that probably costs more than my car.”

Social media has erupted with citizen sleuths examining every known photograph of Trump holding a Sharpie, comparing the cap-off-to-writing time with the estimated drying time of the ink on the napkin.

“The dots have been connected. The ink has been linked,” posted user @Q-Anonk-le-Sam on X. “They’re not even looking at the names anymore. They’re running chromatography tests on the ink. It’s over.”

The Trump campaign was quick to issue a denial. “This is a ridiculous witch hunt,” said a spokesperson in a statement. “President Trump has used many pens. Sometimes Bic. Sometimes those free ones from hotels. To suggest he has brand loyalty to a single permanent marker is frankly absurd and a distraction from the real issues, like the fact that this list was clearly written by Hunter Biden on an Adderall binge.”

When pressed for evidence, the spokesperson added, “The napkin had a slight indentation on the back, consistent with being written on a laptop keyboard. A clear sign of the Laptop From Hell.”

For now, the world holds its breath, not for the names of the powerful individuals who may be implicated, but for the results of the FBI’s mass spectrometry analysis on the felt tip.

“Forget the Lolita Express,” Dr. Finch concluded, his voice trembling with gravitas. “We’re on the Sharpie Express now. And it’s making one final, unscheduled stop at Mar-a-Lago.”

For more on this story, click here: 10 Revelations From The Epstein List That Someone Just Emailed Us

In case you’ve been living under a rock without an internet connection: Coldplay accidentally dropped their most captivating release yet: a full-blown affair involving a Fortune 500 CEO.

The band, known primarily for making music that sounds like the audio equivalent of a gentle mist, has finally achieved what critics long said was impossible for them: making people feel something. And all it took was a highly publicized romantic entanglement with a married chief executive.

The CEO of tech company, Astronomer, was caught red-faced on kiss cam with someone who apparently wasn’t his wife in a moment that’s now been completely memed out of existence.

“Honestly? Their Best Work Since ‘Parachutes.’”

“We’re not saying we condone it,” said music journalist Talia Greene, “but for the first time in 20 years, Coldplay has produced a narrative arc with actual tension. The CEO? The betrayal? The leaked Slack messages? It’s giving ‘Fleetwood Mac: Succession Edition.’”

Fans, critics, and confused shareholders alike agree: The Affair is Coldplay’s most sonically thrilling era yet, despite containing absolutely no music.

“It’s crazy,” said longtime fan @FixYouFiend. “I cried more reading that LinkedIn apology post than I ever did listening to ‘The Scientist.’ Like, there were paragraphs in italics.”

Streaming services have responded in kind. Spotify announced that “The CEO Affair (Deluxe Tabloid Version)” will be added to the band’s Essentials playlist between “Yellow” and “a surprisingly sexual Target ad jingle.”

Band Leans Into New “Drama Rock” Genre

According to insiders, the band is already working on a follow-up scandal, tentatively titled “Midnight Texts from a Shared Burner Phone”, in collaboration with Imagine Dragons and three Real Housewives.

“We’ve been exploring new directions for years,” said frontman Chris Martin, visibly glowing under the soft light of a Himalayan salt lamp. “Turns out, emotional vulnerability hits different when it’s subpoenaed.”

Meanwhile, drummer Will Champion has allegedly been seen publicly arguing with a juice bar manager in what many suspect is an early attempt to build narrative tension for the next album cycle.

Corporate Retreat Cancelled, Tour Tickets Skyrocket

The affair has done wonders for ticket sales. Coldplay’s “Music of the Spheres” tour has been rebranded to “Music of the HR Violations”, with premium VIP packages now including a nondisclosure agreement and a staged confrontation at a silent meditation retreat.

Merchandise has also taken a turn: fans can now purchase branded “Conscious Uncoupling” robes, energy crystal restraining orders, and a limited edition “Shhh, the lawyers are watching” tote bag.

Critics predict the band may never return to music at all.

“They’ve finally found their voice,” said Pitchfork’s senior editor. “And that voice is whispering, ‘You up?’ into the encrypted chat app of someone who owns a carbon-neutral jet company.”

For more music news, click here: BREAKING: Spotify Wrapped Accidentally Leaks Pentagon Secrets

Listen up, apes and wage-cucks. You ever sit in your 9-to-5, staring at a spreadsheet that tracks other spreadsheets, drinking coffee that tastes like burnt aspirations, and think to yourself, “What is the underlying asset here? What value am I actually creating?”

You’ve diamond-handed your stapler through three “re-orgs” and listened to your boss drone on about “synergy” until your ears bled. You’ve been promised tendies in the form of a 3% annual raise that doesn’t even beat the inflation on a pack of gum.

What if we told you that your “stable career” isn’t a wealth-building vehicle, but a masterfully crafted, slow-motion Ponzi scheme with better branding and a 401(k) match?

A Ponzi scheme relies on new money to pay off the early investors. Sound familiar? Here are five signs your job might just be a Ponzi with an HR department and casual Fridays.

1. The “Early Investors” (aka The C-Suite) Get Rich by Doing Nothing You Can Understand

In a classic Ponzi, the guy at the top—let’s call him Bernie M.—collects all the cash while telling everyone about his brilliant, secret strategy.

In your company, this is the C-Suite. What does the Chief Synergy Officer actually do? Nobody knows. He appears once a quarter on a Zoom call from his yacht to say things like, “We’re leveraging our core competencies to actualize a new paradigm of growth.” This is the corporate equivalent of “Trust me, bro, the returns are guaranteed.”

Meanwhile, you’re the “new money.” Your 60-hour work week, your cancelled weekend plans, your soul-crushing PowerPoint decks—that’s the fresh capital that funds the CEO’s bonus, which he uses to buy another vacation home in a state you can’t afford to visit. The early investors are living large while you’re just keeping the lights on.

2. The Entire System Relies on a Constant Influx of “New Money” (aka New Hires)

A Ponzi collapses the second it can’t attract new investors. Your company would collapse the second it can’t attract fresh-faced college grads willing to trade their youth for a branded water bottle and “invaluable experience.”

Notice how your company is always hiring? That’s because the churn is real. People burn out, realize the game is rigged, and leave (or get “rugged”). The company needs to constantly replace them to keep the machine running. They bring in new blood, full of hope and a lower salary expectation, to do the work that pays the salaries of the managers above them, who in turn are paying the salaries of the VPs above them.

That “Employee Referral Bonus” they offer you? That’s not a perk. That’s a commission for recruiting another sucker into the downline.

3. The “Investment Strategy” is Incomprehensible Corporate Jargon

Ponzis work by baffling you with complexity. “We use a split-strike conversion arbitrage strategy that’s proprietary.” It means nothing, but it sounds smart enough to make you hand over your life savings.

Your job does the same thing, but it’s called “corporate-speak.”

“We need to circle back and touch base offline to operationalize our deliverables and ensure we’re all aligned on the go-forward strategy.”

This is a sentence that took six people in a two-hour meeting to construct, and it means, “Let’s talk later.” The purpose of this jargon isn’t to communicate; it’s to create a facade of intellectual importance around tasks that are, at their core, moving numbers from one box to another. It makes you feel like you’re part of a sophisticated operation, not just a cog in a machine that sells slightly different widgets than the other guy.

4. The Promised Returns (aka “Promotions”) Are Always Just One More Quarter Away

Every Ponzi promises incredible returns that are perpetually just around the corner. “Just stay invested,” they say, “the big payout is coming.”

At your job, this is the “career ladder.” It’s the vague promise that if you just “crush it” for one more quarter, if you just take on one more project without complaint, if you just laugh at your boss’s terrible jokes a little harder, that promotion to “Senior Associate Analyst II” will be yours.

But the goalposts always move. The promotion gets pushed back. The budget gets “tight.” They need you to “show more leadership” (i.e., do a manager’s job for an analyst’s pay). You’re chasing a carrot on a stick, and the stick is held by a guy who’s already cashed out. They’re not paying you with money; they’re paying you with the hope of future money. It’s the professional equivalent of HODLing a shitcoin that’s been trading sideways since 2018.

5. The Inevitable Collapse is Called a “Restructuring” or “Layoff”

When a Ponzi runs out of new money, the whole thing spectacularly implodes. The late-stage investors lose everything.

When your company misses its growth targets for two quarters in a row, it doesn’t just implode. It does something far more sterile and cruel: it “restructures.” This is a corporate rug-pull.

The “early investors” (the execs) are safe. They already got their multi-million dollar bonuses last year. They’ll fire a bunch of “late-stage investors” (you and your team), call it “trimming the fat,” and then give themselves a “retention bonus” for navigating the company through “tough times.”

You’re left with a cardboard box of your personal effects and a LinkedIn post about being #OpenToWork, while the masterminds of the scheme sail off into the sunset on their golden parachutes.

So what’s the takeaway?

At least with a crypto Ponzi, you know you’re gambling. Here, you’re trading the one non-renewable resource you have—time—for the illusion of stability.

So next time you’re in a meeting that could have been an email, just smile to yourself. You’re not just an employee. You’re an investor in one of the most successful, long-running Ponzi schemes in human history. Now go update your resume.

Godspeed, losers.

For more (not) financial advice, click here: This Week’s Top 6 Ponzi Schemes To Invest In

Err, guys, someone just emailed us the full Epstein list? Wtf. Ok, I guess we publish? What’s the worst they can do, assassinate me? Phhf. I would rather commit suicide in an unguarded cell.

Yeah, so, here it is, WallStMemes.com has exclusively obtained what appears to be the complete, unredacted Jeffrey Epstein client list. The 287-page document, a heavily water-stained (at least we hope it’s water) PDF titled “FINAL_LIST_REAL_THIS_TIME.pdf,” was delivered to our general inbox early Tuesday morning from the email address TruthSeeker_Patriot88@hotmale.com.

While we cannot yet independently verify the authenticity of the list, which was attached with the subject line “FWD: FWD: FWD: U WONT BELEIVE THIS,” its contents are so staggering that we felt a journalistic obligation to report on them immediately.

Here are the 10 most shocking revelations from the document we just received.

1. A Detailed Business Plan For A ‘Beanie Babies For Dogs’ Franchise

Tucked between a page of encrypted flight logs and a blurry photo of a receipt from a hardware store, the document contains a 40-page, fully illustrated business plan for “PuppyPals,” a line of collectible, bean-filled chew toys for canines. The plan, which sources in the document claim Epstein called “the real ticket,” includes market analysis, proposed television ad jingles, and a list of “Tier 1 Rare” designs, including “Sir Barks-A-Lot the Knight” and “Chew-bacca.” Hey, he might have been on to something there.

2. Stephen Hawking Allegedly Knew How The Game of Thrones Finale Should Have Ended

In a series of transcribed conversations, the famed theoretical physicist reportedly outlined a “logically and emotionally consistent” conclusion to the HBO series that involved Bran Stark using his powers to invest in herring futures, thereby bankrupting the Iron Bank and causing the peaceful dissolution of the Seven Kingdoms. According to the notes, Hawking called the showrunners’ actual ending “a narrative black hole from which no light can escape.”

3. Bill Clinton Borrowed A Copy Of ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’ In 2002 And Never Returned It

A footnote on page 112 makes a single, damning allegation against the 42nd president: that he borrowed Epstein’s personal, hardcover copy of the popular relationship self-help book and, despite numerous polite reminders, failed to give it back. “Bill, if you’re reading this, I know you have it,” a handwritten note in the margin reads. “There was a hummus stain on page 47. I will not forgive.”

4. The Whereabouts Of Atlantis

The document definitively solves one of humanity’s greatest mysteries, revealing the location of the lost city of Atlantis to be directly underneath a Panera Bread in suburban Cleveland, OH. Oh! According to the document, the city’s legendary power source is what keeps their Broccoli Cheddar Soup at a “consistently pleasant and marketable temperature.”

5. A Surprisingly Thorough And Negative Review of a Local Olive Garden

Over three pages are dedicated to a scathing critique of an Olive Garden in Palm Beach, FL. The anonymous author complains about “limp breadsticks,” “inattentive service from a waiter named Chad,” and a Tour of Italy platter that was “less a tour and more a brief, depressing layover in a sad, marinara-soaked airport.” The review ends with the ominous line, “They will answer for this.”

6. The Original Recipe For Coca-Cola

The legendary secret recipe is revealed on page 204. While it does contain trace amounts of coca leaf extract, the primary ingredients are listed as RC Cola, slightly more sugar, and a single drop of “yes, cocaine.”

7. Prince Andrew Was Merely A Middleman In A Vast, International Scone Smuggling Ring

The document alleges that the Duke of York’s frequent international travel was a cover for his role as a key logistics operator for “The Crumb-pet Cartel,” a shadowy organization that illegally traffics authentic Devonshire scones into countries with inferior pastry laws. The list contains several coded references to “clotted cream shipments” and “high-stakes jam deals.”

8. A List of People Who Are “Definitely Lizard People”

A short, bulleted list under the heading “REPTILIANS (CONFIRMED)” contains several predictable names, but also includes TV’s Guy Fieri, the entire 1997 lineup of the Dave Matthews Band, and Brenda, the head of HR at a mid-sized bottle recycling company in Wisconsin.

9. The Answer To The Riddle “What Has An Eye, But Cannot See?”

A needle. The document spends a surprising amount of time on this, explaining the answer with detailed diagrams. It seems someone involved was just really proud they figured it out.

10. The Wi-Fi Password To Epstein Island Was ‘Password123’

In what security experts are calling a “stunning lapse in basic operational security,” the document reveals the Wi-Fi password for the main residence on Little St. James was, until 2018, simply “Password123.” The password for the guest house was reportedly even weaker: “GuestPassword123.”

So there you have it! The complete list. You didn’t want more, did you?

(Oh, and there was also a long list of the names of incredibly famous people (Diddy, Queen Elizabeth II, Elmo, Trump four times for some reason) amongst irrefutable, damning evidence of heinous crimes that would put anyone away for eternity… but you don’t want to hear about that.)

Well, if you do, it’s on my desk! HMU and I’ll release it… some time, idk, when I feel like it.

For more on this story, click here: Musk Retracts Trump Accusations: “I meant to say, ‘Ronald Prump’ is in the Epstein files”

X CEO and ex-DOGE, Elon Musk, has announced a plan to form a new political party, named the America Party, after Miley Cyrus’ 2018 hit, ‘Party In The U.S.A.’

Should the plan go ahead and not just be another one of Musk’s pesky jokes, the party will have to take on the dominating two parties of the Democratic Republicans and the Republican Democrats.

However, Musk’s best friend-turned-arch-nemesis, Donald Trump, has hit back, saying, “It’s ridiculous to start a third party. It’s always been a two-party system, and I think starting a third party just adds to the confusion.” Trump did not explain how having only two parties was already confusing.

As if to make fun of Musk, Trump has formed the ‘South Africa Party’ and plans to run for the position of ‘King of South Africa’ so he can legally deport Musk “back home”.

This whole spat began when Musk became a public critic of Trump’s financial plan to add more money to the national debt. The argument became ugly quickly and has escalated recently to Musk’s new rival party.

Writing on X, Musk said, “You want a new political party and you shall have it! When it comes to bankrupting our country with waste and graft, we live in a one-party system, not a democracy. Today, the America Party is formed to give you back your freedom.”

Whether Elon actually has a challenge against the current system remains to be seen. Either way, the billionaire will have an uphill battle. Independents have rarely had much sway in elections, only succeeding to chip off a few votes from their closest competitors.

Other countries show that a multi-party system is not impossible, even though it comes with its own issues. And on paper, America is a multi-party system, but in practice, Washington seems too calcified into its current birary form to change any time soon.

Musk’s political ambitions seemed inextricably tied to Trump until only a few weeks ago so it seems unlikely that he would do any better than Kanye West as a political candidate. What’s more, as a South African native, Musk is ineligible to run for President. This means that he would have to select someone else to be his candidate, someone who is unlikely to have more clout than Musk.

Elon seems set to sink a lot of capital and time into this project without a clear payoff on the cards. Musk may only succeed in frustrating shareholders and news enjoyers with his zany antics.

In other words, maybe Musk should turn self-driving back on and stay in his lane.

For more on this story, read this: Crying America Begs Mommy And Daddy To Stop Fighting

President Donald Trump is tipped to be the first recipient of the newly created ‘Nobel War Prize’, following his attacks on an Iranian nuclear facility, potentially escalating a tense situation into full-scale war.

Whilst Trump had hoped to receive the Nobel Prize for peace, he is said to be happy with this alternative.

“It’s not what we wanted, but we’ll take it, sure,” said Trump when asked about his new accolade. “I mean, war is war, peace is peace, and either way, we’re the best at it. No one does war like America. We do it well, so well. I think they were right to give us this award. We are very good at it.”

Previously, President Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for some reason, and Trump is said to have coveted the award since then, working hard to achieve peace in Korea, Russia, and Canada, all in an effort to one-up his former rival.

“Some say it’s better than the peace prize, though, I don’t know about that, but war’s harder, isn’t it? I would say war is harder, so I think it’s the harder prize to win.”

The Nobel Prize Organization will award Trump the accolade in November, if the world still exists by that point.

The organization’s official statement reads, “Donald J. Trump will be the first recipient of the Nobel War Prize 2025 for his extraordinary efforts to sow global distrust and escalate tensions between peoples.”

The award seems to be in direct response to Trump’s bunker-buster-bombing of Iran’s nuclear facilities, throwing the US headfirst into a conflict that former Presidents were desperate to stay out of. Iran has vowed retaliation, although probs not in the nuclear kind now, lol.

Mere days after the attack, Pakistan said that it would nominate Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize for helping to negotiate a ceasefire with India. Read the room, guys.

For more on this story, click here: Iran Frantically Reading Art Of The Deal Ahead Of Trump Negotiations

President Donald Trump has declared war on Jeff, citing Jeff’s potential ownership of up to ten nuclear weapons.

Who precisely Jeff is and why he personally owns so many nuclear weapons remains unclear, but analysts suggest that he might be none other than Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos. Bezos has been famously stockpiling Blue Origin rockets any one of which could be of the nuclear variety, who’s to say?

Jeff nukes — Technically, we all have <10 nukes. I guess there were too many names to fit on the graph, though.

“I’ve always said,” explained Trump when questioned by reporters in the Oval Office, “No one should have more than one nuclear weapon, maybe two. And this Jeff guy, whoever he is, I don’t know the guy, but I don’t think he should have nukes.”

“China has nukes, we have nukes, but Jeff? He shouldn’t have nukes. Really nasty piece of work.” Trump then went on to explain that although he does not know who exactly this ‘nuclear Jeff’ is he has declared war on him and all other Jeffs just to be sure.

This war on all Jeffs would therefore include Jeffrey Bezos, Jeff Goldblum, Jeff Bridges, Jeffrey Joseph Canderston, and even my new neighbor Jeff, who, to be fair, could be harboring nukes in his basement. I just don’t trust that guy.

Trump has said the NSA has gathered the locations of all Jeffs, Jeffreys, and Geoffs, and he will launch a preemptive nuclear strike on every single Jeff on the planet. And then just to be sure, he’ll follow it up with a drone strike. Just to be sure. Seems reasonable.

Jeff 21 Jump Street — Readers are advised to avoid saying, “My name Jeff,” for the time being.

Experts familiar with Jeff, however, point out that Jeff is perhaps more likely referring to JEFF, the Joint Evaluated Fission and Fusion File. This refers to a data library on nuclear weapons kept by the OECD Nuclear Agency (NEA). Potentially, the data for CNN’s graph was mislabeled and misattributed around 10 nukes to JEFF.

The Jeff gaff was made over a year ago and was memed back then, but recently the joke recirculated on X due to Iran’s nuclear proliferation re-entering the news.

But are we going to believe that? No. I don’t trust a Jeff as far as I can throw one, so I say, let’s nuke ‘em. Just to be sure.

For more Jeff, click here: Jeff Bezos Postpones Plan To Flee Earth

President Donald Trump has once again extended the deadline for TikTok to be sold to an American company, citing a backlog of videos deemed “certified bangers” that “the world needs to see.”

“We’re going to extend the ban. There won’t be a ban for now,” Trump explained to reporters aboard Air Force One. “I’ve got too many videos, great videos, beautiful videos, you’re going to love them, and they’re all backed up just waiting in my drafts folder.”

“I showed them to JD, and he loves them, and he says I have to post them. But I said, JD, I can’t post them, I have to ban this CHIna app, this app from CHIna. And he said you could just post them all now, and I said, but JD, you can post them all at once, you’ll get delisted, but he doesn’t know.”

“You have to stagger them, JD. He doesn’t know about the stagger. I invented that, the stagger, I call it. You have to post daily if you want traction. You have to have traction; it’s all about the traction. So I said OK, I’ll delay. I’ll extend the deadline. It’s done. And now you will all get to see these beautiful videos. And you’re going to love them.”

Insiders close to the president have suggested that Trump’s TikToks are predominantly AI-generated videos of Trump wrestling foreign leaders and videos of “little monsters made of fruit who enjoy eating goop and slime”.

Joe Biden signed into law the bill insisting the app be sold or banned and congress still remains in support of the ban, but they would, wouldn’t they because none of them have a killer drafts folder with some top-notch AI-goop-monster vids.

During Trump’s first term, the President was apparently anti the Tok but has since u-turned on that opinion after realising that there are voters on TikTok too.

Some analysts suggest that this is another example of TACO Trump and the ban could potentially be perpetually extended indefinitely forever.

If Trump wants to be popular he should ban Facebook. Go on, do it you coward.

Trump’s extension of the ban also gives @wallstmemesofficial time to get their content off the ground because it’s just gathering dust and I know, I’ll get round to it, I’ve just got a lot on my plate and I really need more time. I NEED MORE TIME!!!

For some probably-now-very-out-of-date jokes on this story, click here: TikTok’s Time’s Ticking

President Donald ‘Jesus’ Trump has officially won full custody of Joe Rogan following his unexpected divorce from tech-dabbler and part-time Mars enthusiast, Elon Musk.

The highly publicized breakup, sparked by a heated argument over Trump’s ‘Big Beautiful Bill’, concluded with Trump emerging victorious in the battle for podcast visitation rights, NFT revenue splits, and one (1) human MMA commentator.

“He’s A Good Boy. He Loves Me More.”

At a joint press conference held beside the smoking wreckage of Trump’s old Tesla, the president confirmed that Joe Rogan, the human kettlebell and absence-of-thought-provoking bro-phet, would be “living with Daddy Donald full time.”

“Look, Joe needs a strong male role model who can teach him about winning,” said Trump. “Elon’s weak. He’s a weak man. I thought I liked Elon, but then he was mean, very mean, you can’t be mean and be a good parent to little Joe.”

Rogan, seen shirtless and oiled up in the background next to Alex Jones and a live elk, declined to comment but nodded aggressively while doing kettlebell swings and microdosing.

[NB: The preceding paragraph has been selected for preservation in the ‘Museum of Paragraphs That Would Send a Victorian Child Into A Coma’]

The Trump Musk Settlement: A Breakdown

According to leaked documents (posted on 4chan, confirmed on Substack, and denounced by Fox News for not being angry enough), the divorce terms are as follows:

Joe Rogan: Sole custody awarded to Trump.
Neuralink prototype nicknamed “Brain Daddy”: Goes to Joe Rogan for future guest testing.
The phrase “Alpha Male”: Joint custody, but must be used in alternating podcast appearances.

Musk took to X (formerly known as ‘relevant’) to express his feelings.

“I will respect the court’s decision, though it was clearly made by NPCs running on outdated firmware. I’ll just build another Joe Rogan using Tesla Bot v3.14. This one’s going to do jiu-jitsu and run a $10B SPAC.”

Bro Custody: A New Legal Frontier

Legal experts (none of whom passed the bar but all of whom have watched Suits) say this case sets a dangerous precedent for celebrity bromances.

“This is the first time in U.S. history that a man has won legal custody of a podcast host,” said Dr. Chadston Gains, professor of Meme Law at the University of Reddit. “We may see more cases like this, especially if Jordan Peterson and Ben Shapiro ever settle who gets to not keep Andrew Tate.”

Trump Gains, Musk Lames

While the dust settles, Rogan’s podcast has already been renamed “The Trump Experience”, with new segments like “Peak Testosterone Tuesdays” and a daily Alpha Index comparing Putin to various brands of blenders.

Insiders say upcoming guests include Eric Trump discussing DMT, Kanye West debating with ChatGPT-4.5, and Hunter Biden arm-wrestling Candace Owens over a barrel of pre-workout.

In the words of Trump, “Joe’s in good hands. We’re going to make podcasts great again.”

Just like everyone else, Wall Street Memes Dot Com predicted this breakup way back in November last year. Click here to read more: Trump Officially Files For Divorce From Elon Musk

Once upon a time, there was a little boy who liked to cause all sorts of mischief and had a lot of fun playing tricks on the people around him.

Those fun tricks meant that everyone talked about the boy so that he became very famous, and then, when everyone needed someone to be in charge of the largest economy in the whole wide world, they chose the little boy.

One day, during a very boring economics briefing, the little boy decided to play a little trick. Suddenly, he shouted, “125% tariffs!”

Everybody jumped up, and all the markets started to panic, and a lot of people started to talk about these very big tariffs.

But when they came to see the naughty little boy and ask about the tariffs, he put a 90-day pause on all the tariffs.

Everybody told the little boy not to yell tariffs if there weren’t any tariffs, and the little boy said he wouldn’t, so then everybody went back to their lives.

But then the next day, it seemed that no one was paying the little boy any attention and had forgotten he was very powerful and that the tariffs were a really good idea actually. So then, once again, he cried, “Tariff! Tariff!” and once again, everyone came running and the markets went crashing down and everyone set their prices very high.

Once again, however, when they came to see the little boy, he said he had reduced retaliatory tariffs down to just 10% so that there were barely any tariffs at all.

So then everyone went back to their lives and tried to get a good night’s sleep and pretend that they had never heard the word ‘tariff’ in the first place.

Some say that the little boy is still yelling tariffs to this day, but now whenever he does, everyone knows not to listen because who knows what he will say the next day.

And then he got eaten by a wolf.

The End.

For more bedtime stories, click here: US Economy ‘Out Of UNO Reverse Cards’ Following Trump Tariff Block

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