2025 | Wall Street Memes

Donaldent Presitrump just announced a “Warrior Dividend” available to anyone with an axe, braids and a horned helmet. Oh, no wait, sorry, different kind of warrior. Trump checks will go to American servicemen in the MODERN day. Ahh, that makes more sense.

The news came in Trump’s latest press conference hailing the success of his tariffs and how stupid and sucky Joe Biden still is (remember him?).

The amount is a one off payment of one thousand, seven hundred and seventy six dollars ($1,776) which seems like a completely random number but it actually has a really interesting history, so let’s break down the origins of that strange number…

…How does a BASTARD, ORPHAN, son of a WHORE and a SCOTSMAN, dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the Caribbean by providence, impoverished, in squalor, grow up to be a hero and a scholar? Etc. etc.

You with me now? THAT’S RIGHT! 1776 is a date… And on February 17th, Edward Gibbon published his first volume of The History of the Decline Fall of the Roman Empire and you just know Trump’s always thinking about the Roman Empire and wanted to commemorate such an event.

Wait, that’s not it… maybe it’s that in March of 1776 restrictions on the cereal trade in Sweden were lifted? Whatever that means, Wikipedia…

Oh, you know what, Trump’s probably referencing the death date of French magistrate Pierre-Robert Le Cornier de Cideville. I know Trump’s a big fan and he’s always said how he wants America’s servicemen to remember their 18th century French bureaucrats.

Or maybe we’ll just never know. It’s very possible Trump selected this specific number at random and if that’s the case, the meaning of it will simply be lost to the mists of time…

The richest man in the world just got significantly more richerer because Tesla hit a new high and SpaceX’s latest tender offer just valued the company at $800 billion dollars in actual money rocketing Musky-Man’s net worth to $684.3 billion dollars in actual monetaries.

It all makes you wonder, what does a man like Musk possibly buy himself for Christmas? Well, I just happen to have his letter to Santa right here on my desk and it looks like he’s in the market for an entire country.

So without further ado, in no particular order, here are five countries that have a GDP lower than Elon Musk’s net worth (that means you can buy it then, right?):

5. Belgium – $665b

This is the most expensive country on Elon’s list even though it’s pretty small and there’s not really much there. What do they have, like, chocolate? I guess that’s cool, he could retire and become like Willy Wonka.

4. Israel – $540b

There’s only one way to solve the problems in the middle east and that’s to BUY ISRAEL. With this new purchase, Musk could achieve world peace or he could use his robots and spaceships for war. It’s entirely up to him. …Man, Musk really is on the brink of becoming Lex Luthor, isn’t he?

3. Kazakhstan – $288b

The largest item in Elon’s shopping basket here, Kazakhstan is over a million square miles of beautiful verdant scenery. With this new land he could probably build a Grok-powered city, or maybe a hyperloop that actually goes somewhere. Or maybe the meme king will just build a giant statue of Borat.

2. The United Arab Emirates – $537b

Now this one surprised me, I didn’t expect the home of billionaire’s playground, Dubai to have a lower GDP than some other countries on this list but here we are. Hey, if you’re for sale UAE, then Elon’s buying. I’m just saying.

1. Literally any country that’s not the US, China, Germany, Japan, India, UK, France, Italy, Canada, Brazil, Russia, Mexico, Australia, Spain, South Korea, Indonesia, Turkey, Saudi Arabia, Netherlands, Switzerland or Poland

Name a country, any country in the world and so long as it’s not on the above list it’s GPD is lower than Elon’s current net worth.

Crazy.

You’ve heard of the Air Force, you’ve heard of Space Force well now get ready for TECH FORCE!

TECHFOOOORRRCE!!! *nenenehnehnehnehTHEME TUNE!!*

*explosion!*

Yeeeahh, baby, the US Tech Force is a new program to get you yung-uns into tech. So get this, with NO college degree and ZERO experience, YOU can earn between $150,000 and $200,000 for a two year stint working in a federal agency! Bargain!

(I promise this isn’t an advert… well, it is an advert for WSM Casino, I mean, this isn’t an advert for Tech Force is what I mean…)

So why is the government looking to hire more people when DOGE just fired so many government employees? Well, because DOGE just fired so many government employees. Turns out that those people who pushed the buttons and pressed the levers? Well, yeah, you need those people.

But what you DON’T need is to pay for experienced people, no, you can just hire teenagers off the street for much much less! Yay!

Where’s Big Balls? Let’s get him back in here, he can run the show.

According to Fortune, DOGE, “Orchestrated the departure of about 260,000 government employees through buyouts, early retirements, or terminations. Among those cuts were technology-focused programs including the entire 18F digital consulting group and substantial portions of the U.S. Digital Service.”

But now, tech force aims to hire 1,000 “fellows” to stop that gap. Partnered with AWS, Meta, Microsoft, Apple, Oracle, Palantir and xAI to train these new peeps and then maybe even hire them afterwards this could be a really good scheme for you reading this right now, why are you still here? SIGN UP TODAY!

Ok, not technically Trump, but his son in law just pulled out and that’s close enough to make a clickbait title, right? …RIGHT?

Donald Trump’s son in law Jared Kushner’s private equity firm, Affinity, just pulled its funding for Paramount’s bid to buy Warner Bros. Discovery. Still with me?

In a statement, the firm explained that “With two strong competitors trying to secure the future of this unique American asset, Affinity has decided not to pursue the opportunity anymore. The investment situation has changed a lot since we first got involved in October. We still believe Paramount’s offer makes sense strategically.”

Sure you do…

Paramount now loses a potentially key ally in their bid as it might fall on king Trump to pass the final verdict on whether I’m going to have to pay an extra $2 a month for HBO or not.

Whilst it previously looked like Trump and Paramount were walking hand in hand, Trump did recently criticize Paramount’s CBS for 60 Minutes depiction of him, Truthing: “If they are friends, I’d hate to see me enemies!”

And that’s what this all comes down to. Trump will support whoever flatters or bribes him more. He’s a business man, come on, what do you want from him? And Trump’s little tweet was a warning for Paramount to toe the line or lose his support. It’s the same thing that happened with Jimmy Kimmel, it’s the same thing he’s trying with his lawsuit against the BBC.

Pledge fealty to the king or incur his wrath!

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, WBD’s board is reportedly planning to reject Paramount’s offer citing concerns over its financial structure and the terms over the merger. The ball is pitched back into Paramount’s court who have already said that this is not their best and final offer (weird negotiation tactic, but ok).

So all in all, needless to say we’ve not reached the season finale here yet and there are still many more twists and turns to be had before the act three reveal where Larry Ellison is unmasked as the murderer all along.

Back in the day, famed car manufacturer Henry T. Ford spoke out against the creation of a central US bank and was then promptly murdered by JP Morgan on the Titanic.

Jks.

But Ford did have his newspaper, The Dearbord Independent, write that the Federal Reserve System was “a system of private banks [that heradled] a creation of a banking aristocracy.”

Yeah, but he also didn’t like anyone who drove a red car, so what does he know?

God, could you imagine private financial interests running newspapers and such? So glad that doesn’t happen today.

Ford also commented that, “It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would be a revolution before tomorrow morning.”

Haha, what a joker. Yes, we’ve come a long way since Ford’s time. The Fed is now a cornerstone of the US economy, along with the gold reserve, and my regular credit card repayments, which I definitely do.

Meanwhile, Henry Ford died penniless and isn’t remembered for anything.

But his legacy lives on! Ford’s sentiment has echoes in current US President Donald J. Trump thinking. Trump has recently spoken out against the Fed and its chair, saying that, “I don’t think it good,” probably, idk, I don’t read the news.

But what do you think? Is the Fed really just a private bank designed to divest money from individuals and businesses and move control into the hands of big government? Or do you disagree?

Let us know in the comments!

Ford (FRD) stock is UP following the announcement that they will be cancelling a bunch of their full EV vehicles and pivoting back to gas and hybrid vehicle production.

So I guess China won then? I guess you’re just giving up and letting China take the EV market. They’ve been coming for you and now you’ve stopped and let them catch you. But hey, better to retreat with casualties than keep on fighting until the bitter end, right Tesla?

The news comes with a long list of announcements, including the cancellation of Ford’s F-150 Lightning EV (why is it named like a fighter jet?) and pivoting their battery manufacturing from cars to grid storage.

I’m sorry, what was that about climate change? Yeah, I hardly know her neither.

“The operating reality has changed, and we are redeploying capital into higher-return growth opportunities: Ford Pro, our market-leading trucks and vans, hybrids, and high-margin opportunities like our new battery energy storage business,” said CEO, Henry Ford, in a statement.

This gear shift does mean the famed car manufacturer will eat a massive $$$$$19.5 billion in monies. Let me break that down for you:

$8 billion in asset impairments, including EV asset writedowns
$6 billion for restructuring and acquiring battery plant assets from partner SK ON
$5.5 billion in cash charges related to vehicle cancellations

And I know that seems like a lot but Ford has spotted a massive slump in EV purchases so in the long run this’ll be for the best, promise.

As the great Henry Ford once said, “Any customer can have a car powered any way that he wants, so long as it is gas.”

For more car news, read this: Ferrari Unveils First EV Car, Stock Price Stalls

PayPal Holdings Incorporated (PHISH) just applied to become a bank, even though they’re not a bank, you need to have walls and a door, and a bank teller called Marjorie would won’t let you withdraw $15,000 from your uncle’s account even though you have a note saying that he lets you, and it’s fine.

The move is an attempt to make use of Trump’s openness to fintech companies joining the banking sector. He’s also open to bribes, but I’d keep that in your back pocket for when you really need it.

The application to form a Utah-chartered industrial loan company was submitted to the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp and the Utah Department of Financial Institutions and oh my god I fell asleep that’s so boring.

PayPal? More like PayI’mNotYourPalFriend

If approved, this could mean PayPal can hand out more small business loans but I also is step one onto the road to winning the coveted title of ‘bank’.

Now, this could all be a clever move on the part of PayPal because if we learned anything from the 2008 financial crisis it’s that there are some banks that are too big to fail which means that the government, by which I mean the taxpayer, has to bail them out so we all don’t die.

I know how it works, the government has a big red button in a glass case somewhere and a sign above it reads, “In case of financial crisis, hit button to bail out banks.” Now that’ll automatically pay the bank CEOs the billions that they need to keep their indoor pools heated (god forbid) BUT if you’re not on that list of ‘banks’ you don’t get squat, Marjorie.

So that’s clearly PayPal’s plan, become a bank, then just sit tight and wait for the world to burn.

Good luck with that.

SpaceX is about to complete a tender offer that will send the company stratospheric and rocket it to space where the aliens are (see what I did there? It’s a space pun).

This would boost (ok, I’ll stop) the company to a valuation of $800 billion, which is more money than I currently have.

Don’t freak out, though. SpaceX isn’t a public company yet. This was an insider share sale where the stocks were valued at $421 a share/per share (p/s).

But who’s the biggest winner out of all this? Well, unless you’re a big business nerd, the answer may shock you. Are you sitting down? Ok…

It’s Elon Musk.

I know, I know, calm down, it’s unexpected. BUT the other big winner out of this is none other than Google’s parent company: The Alphabet (of English language fame).

Yeah, turns out Google is one of the biggest investors in Musk Space Venture Dot Com, and has been since at least 2015. Who knew? Not me. Hopefully them.

This news comes hot off the heels that SpaceX (SPACO) is reportedly considering an IPO (initial public option) that would rocket boost (I can’t help myself) the company to a $1 trillion dollars in money valuation.

“It’s going to be the craziest IPO in the history of the stock market,” said Shay Boloor, chief market strategist for Futurum Equities Research, in an interview in which he himself went crazy. “If it’s trying to go for $1.5 trillion, I ‌wouldn’t be surprised if it goes up to over $2 trillion once it gets open.”

To da moon!

SpaceX hasn’t had a problem raising money in the past, but a public offering might significantly increase the company’s cash flow. As any good rocket scientist, economist, and gastroenterologist will tell you, when it comes to rocket fuel, cash flow, and fecal matter: liquid is better.

But the big one to profit isn’t just SpaceX investors, it’s the big man, the man in charge, the top dog, his muskiness himself: JOHN CENA!! Jk, ELON MUSK!!

With SpaceX’s cash explosion, Musk will likely go from being the world’s richest man to being the world’s richest man but more so. Estimators estimate that he will likely reach the one trillion mark that he’s been so desperate to achieve ever since his mother didn’t love him.

Related article: Tesla Approved Elon’s $1trl Pay Package, Here’s What It’ll Take For Him to Win It

SpaceX? More like, SpaceXcusetogetmoremoneyoffpeople

The downside is that Musk will then be beholden to those pathetic snivelling losers, what are they called? Oh yeah, ‘shareholders’. Bleh.

They already kicked off when he asked for a DESERVED one trillion pay package for not quitting his job and that’s not fair, ok? Well, now they might be whiny bitches again and hold back THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE FROM GOING INTERPLANETARY.

Do you want that? No. So give us your money and don’t have any other input beyond that, got it? Ok? Ok.

Glad we could straighten that out. You may leave now.

The-Only-President-I’m-Interested-In-Personally Donald Trump, recently said that he would consider removing federal tax on gambling winnings but mainly because he knows about a sure thing on the horses tonight.

Speaking to reporters on Air Force One, which is where they all live now, Trump said that “We have no tax on tips, we have no tax on Social Security, and we have no tax on overtime. No tax on gambling winnings, I don’t know. I’m gonna have to think about that.”

Better think quick Don, because I’ve got a three-way parlay on whether you’ll cut this tax or not.

trump gambling tweet — Can’t tell if that’s an AI picture or not…

Now, this isn’t just a bribe to win votes, this could be a really boon for anyone who makes money from gambling, like Wall Street Memes Casino Dot Com for example. As an online casino we only make money when people like you lose money. Yes, it’s you suckers that keep me employed.

So if Trump ditches the tax on winnings thing, it’s going to encourage more people to gamble, thinking they’re going to win more and then they’re going to lose more at our casino and then I can get a pay rise.

Thank you Mr. Trump!

I know who I’m voting for next election. That’s right, Jill Stein. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah…

Trump, Pump and Dump

Ok, I’m reading about the different tax brackets for gambling payouts and BORING. Honestly, if you can scrap all that just to make it less boring to read that’ll actually be great thank you very much.

Alright, I think that’s it from me, I’m off to bet everything I own at Wall Street Memes Casino Dot Com and then wait to cash out when Trump approves this law.

Ttfn!

In related but completely opposite news: Trump Reveals Plan To Tax Gambling Losses, Degens Now 10% More Unlucky

We’re screwed.

Like, I’m not even going to attempt to write an informative, meaningful, or even entertaining article here, because what’s the point? Disney is going to let Sora AI use characters from its properties like Star Wars, Pixar, Marvel etc. and you know that phrase, if you can’t beat them, join them? Well, one of the most powerful entertainment corporations in the world feels like they can’t beat them, then who even can?

We’re screwed.

I suppose Disney had no hope of holding back the tidal wave of AI shit that’s been pouring straight into our mouths for the past few years. They’ve already been using Disney’s IP without care or retribution. Many had held out hope that Disney would be the ones to finally put a stop to all this nonsense. “Just you wait until the Disney lawyers get whiff of AI using Mickey Mouse without paying royalties!”

Well, yeah, they got whiff, and what they whiffed was a goddamn penny to be made. Now the knight you had relied on slaying the dragon has joined the dragon and now they’re both coming to burn down our whole village.

Disney AI movies — Disney took one look at this at thought, “Yep, yes please, I want exactly that but with my licensed characters in it, please.”

We’re screwed.

It’s crazy to think that this is the same, famously litigious, Walt Disney Company that once sued a preschool for painting a mural with their licensed characters, lobbied for almost a century to change copyright law so they’d keep control of Michael K. Mouse, would slam down hard if you so much as breathed their characters in an offbrand way… and now… and now that same company will let literally anyone make literally any uncanny-vallley monstrosity they feel like out of those same characters?

No, not that Disney Sora… What, you going to sue me for using this image? Well, what if I said I generated it with AI?

When will we learn? A corporation does not care about the sanctity of its brand. It never did. They don’t care about the sanctity of art. They never did. It can only follow money. It’s all it ever cared about. The only difference between OpenAI and a preschool is that there’s money to be made from Sora users.

So what’s next? I mean, the company has already shown that they will plumb the depths of their integrity to churn out shot-for-shot-but-somehow-with-the-soul-missing remakes of whatever will make them the most cash. So if AI will make them money, if AI movies will make them money, if they’re cheaper and faster than paying animators, even if the quality is far worse, then you bet your frozen head they’ll do it.

Heck, spitting on artistry and innovation might not be what Walt would have wanted, but not paying your employees? Well, that’s Disney through and through.

Either way, if you’re a fan of movies, art, fun, joy, human expression, well…

Well, we’re not quite screwed.

So long as humans exist, those things will always exist. Humans have only ever created. Only ever expressed themselves. It’s just that the forces that don’t care for those things and prefer power and money, well, those forces are about to get a bit more powerful and a bit more richerer.

The dragon is bigger. The knight has thicker armour. But this village is made of fire-retardant asbestos, bitch.