Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

Err… No.

Walmart just launched a new crypto app called OnePay, allowing customers to trade Ether, Bitcoin and even buy 14 green pleather couches with crypto.

But the real question, the question that everyone’s asking, the one answer everyone’s waiting for, the very thing that people want to know is can you buy assault rifles with fartcoin?

It’s a great question, especially considering I own a LOT of fartcoins and I have always wanted to shoot up a school and this way, perhaps my two greatest passions could come together in sweet harmony.

Walmart? More like walfart…

Currently it looks like OnePay only handles BTC/ETH trading so it looks like I’ll have to spend my farts elsewhere.

But maybe someday that will change as Walmart is positioning the app to be an everything app, combing a loyalty card with a crypto trading platform and it’ll even call you ‘Denny Big Dick’ if you change your name in the settings.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to launder all my ill gotten gains EXCLUSIVELY through Walmart.

For more Walmart news, read this: Walmart Just Reported Record Earnings And Here’s Why

He’s a clown. The jokes write themselves…

Yes, it’s true, Jaymie Parkkinen, an IP lawyer representing Musk against Sam Altman, moonlights as a clown.

I knew it!

“All of my comedy friends — none of them can believe I’m a lawyer,” Parkkinen told Business Insider who first made the connection. “And none of my lawyer friends can believe I do clown.”

Yes, Parkkinen does ‘clown’, meaning a kind of improv, slapstick, comedy hybrid as opposed to dressing up as Pennywise and scaring little children. Ngl, I’m disappointed he doesn’t at least wear the nose.

Lawyer? More like, horn noise

“When you strip away all the social masks that we all wear, if you strip away gender and politics and money and status and power, and you’re just your raw human self without all of the trappings of society — who are you?” Err, a lawyer for Elon Musk? “Clown tries to answer that question.” Oh, ok.

This isn’t the first time Parkkinen’s zany antics have reached the press. In 2024 the New York Times reported on his business, ‘Clown Cardio’. …you can guess what that involves.

But now the entrepreneurial Parkkinen wants to hustle his main hustle too and plans to start his own IP law practice in the near future. Who’s laughing now, huh?

Even though lawyers and clowns seem like very different professions, is there really a difference? Both have costumes, their own codes and both put on a show.

“At the end of the day, it’s just about connecting with people, and so is being a lawyer,” Parkkinnen explained. “You’re connecting with a judge, a jury, opposing counsel. Lawyers are often very conservative and kind of miss out on this huge gift that’s right at their fingertips. Just take an improv class.”

Nice plug at the end there. Hustlers be hustling.

Look no one knows the future except for Michael Burry, but we can make some educated guesses so without further ado, here are some completely unfounded wild predictions for 2026 that I pulled straight out my arse:

10. The markets will do something

I’m pretty confident in that one.

9. Warren Buffett will die

I mean, surely. Surely.

8. The AI bubble will burst

And my boss will finally stop asking me to use ChatGPT.

7. Michael Burry will short the entire global economy

And in doing so probably causing the very crash he was predicting.

6. Cramer will get something right for once

I mean, he needs the win, come on give him that.

5. Bitcoin will crash some more

But then probably jump back up. I mean, it is a volatile investment, what do you expect?

4. Trump will do something crazy

He’s coming up to almost a full year of one insane announcement a day so let’s see if he can keep that winning streak going.

3. I’ll do another one of these lists for 2027

It’s pretty likely I’ll just reuse this idea and most of the same text in 12 months’ time. If I’m still here that is.

2. When creating the list for 2027 I’ll regret choosing to do 10 entries

I know it doesn’t seem like a big number, but it really is when you have to think of something new and funny for each. I don’t know what I’m doing here, oh god I’ve still got one more to think of…

1. The world will implode and we will all die

That is, if we’re lucky.

Alright, it’s nearly the end of the year, and I just know you’re wondering, “What were the best-performing articles on Wall Street Memes Dot Com in this year of our lord two-thousand-and-twenty-five?”

Well, I’m so glad you asked, Jimmy. Without any further ado and in no particular order other than lowest to highest, here are our top 10 most clicked-click-bait-garbage-satirical-articles of 2025. Bring on 2026!

10. Socialist Mamdani Wins NYC Mayor, Here’s Where All The Billionaires Are Fleeing To

Yes, that is his first name. I feel like this one poked some buttons here. We’ve got that controversial buzzword ‘socialist’ we’ve got billionaires fleeing and the walking 2025-viral-trend that is Zohran Mamdani. If you’re not sick of politics by this point, you might just have a read.

9. Bezos Sells Amazon Shares To Pay For Wedding, Narrowly Avoids Bankruptcy

Bezos’ big-sumer bloat out was the talk of the internet earlier this year and although it’s not true that he almost went bankrupt (that’s literally impossible), he did spend the GDP of a small country on his wedding, so I was only exaggerating a little bit…

8. Michael Burry Just Brought Up GME, Here Are 5 More Red Flags That Signal a Bubble

I mean, Burry and GME, we’re talking pure finance bro meme-fuel right there, why wouldn’t you want to read more?

7. Nvidia Just Declared War On Michael Burry: Here’s What They’ve Both Said

Yep, Burry has been the gift that keeps on giving to satirical finance writers specifically. Thanks, Mike, keep ‘em coming.

6. Campbell’s Just Had A Massive Leak And You’ll Never Guess What’s Really In Its Soups

Now this one sounds like a specific can had a hole in it and of course you’re going to want to read on to find out if that can’s yours. Don’t want your groceries all covered in soup now do you?

5. You Won’t Believe Who’s The Front Runner For Time’s Person Of The Year

And neither did I! Read on to find out!

4. Dollar Tumbles After Trump Announces Son Eric To Replace Jerome Powell

At this point we were still writing joke headlines and I’m worried that most people clicked through because it sounds real. I mean, it is something he’d do, isn’t it?

3. Trump Wins Custody Of Joe Rogan In Divorce With Musk

I’m pretty sure I stole this joke off a Twitter comment but hey, we’ve had most of our memes stolen at one point or another so fair’s fair, right?

2. ChatGPT To Allow Pornography, OnlyFans Stock Plummets

Yeah, I see you. I know why you’re all clicking on this one. Jesus. Depraved incels the lot of you. Get your minds out the gutter!

1. Trump Just Said This To Netanyahu In Front Of Millions And Everyone Is Losing Their Minds

Literally thousands of clicks above the rest, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

So there we go! Another year over and another Wall Street Memed. Hope you had fun, see you next year!

Despite doing his bestest recently to end up on the President’s Nice List, it looks like Jerome Powell has received something a little worse than coal this year…

Little Jay Powell was so excited come Christmas morning that he woke up extra early, bounded down the stairs and found waiting under the tree a large present especially for him. Yippee!

But upon approaching the gift, JP saw that it emanated a mysterious green gas that smelled distinctly of arsenic. Little J. then checked the tag, and yes, it was addressed to him, but it was from none other than Don ‘the president’ Trump.

Jerome Powell? More like, Jerome POW, take that!

Jerome was heartbroken. He’d done everything he could to be good this year. He’d lowered interest rates at least once. He’d renovated the fed. He’d even bribed the right politicians. Was the federally appointed Elf on the Shelf even watching?

Well, it was all for nothing, Santa still wanted you dead and there was nothing you could do to change that.

Pow-pow is, of course, a prudent fellow so he had the present incinerated humanely but needless to say, Mr. Trump won’t be getting a Christmas card this year and Jeromey-boy is going to have to watch his back from here on out.

Merry Christmas! Happy Xmas! Heri za Kwanzaa! And all the above!

What are you doing here? It’s Christmas Day, and you’ve logged into Wall Street Memes Dot Com? Do you really have nothing better to do?

I don’t know what to tell you. There’s no financial news to speak of, and I’ve not really got anything funny to say. Look, see, look, nothing, I’ve got nothing.

I mean, this is the best I can do, take it or leave it: Melania’s Christmas Budget Uncertain Following Trump Spending Freeze

Are you really that bored? What, have you opened all your presents, eaten all your turkey? Argued with your weirdly-forward Uncle? Maybe you could pull a cracker or two? Is there really nothing left for you to do on today of all days?

Ok, if you’ve not dont all that then do something, go home. Call your mom, storm a stranger’s house wailing carols, honestly, literally anything would be better than reading the words in front of you right now.

Wall Street Memes is hardly improving stuff at the best of times, but seriously, today is not the day when you’re going to be gaining from this interaction.

Why am I still here? Oh, well, because I have to be here. I’m paid to be here. I don’t have a family or friends to go to, so I volunteered, I said, yeah, sure, I can take the Christmas shift, I don’t mind, I’ve not got anything better to do…

…hey, I guess that’s you too.

Well, hi. I’m sorry we’ve both got nothing else on today but now I’m not so sorry to see you. I guess, I doesn’t matter if I’m the only one to say it to you today, and even if we are both lonely strangers communicating across the internet, I just want to say…

…Merry Christmas.

The results are in, and it’s jingle all the way!

In a national survey, Christmas has been officially declared America’s most popular day, beating out other popular days such as the Fourth of July, the Fifth of July, and the Eighth of July.

The survey, conducted by fourth-grader Luke Bissal for his school math project, asked seven classmates to rank their favorite vacation of the year, and this year Christmas came out on top.

Prior winners of the coveted ‘most popular vacation’ award were… Christmas and Christmas and…

Well, that’s it, as Luke’s only done the survey twice before. This confirms last year’s data when Luke conducted the same research and reached the same result.

Although the country waits with bated breath for next year’s result, Luke said that he probably won’t conduct the same survey again, as Miss Munroe said he should have thought up a new one this year and they might not even do this project again anyways.

Until then, Christmas lovers across the world are hailing the news as “exuberant” and “the best thing since Christmas.”

A Christmas Miracle For All The Family To Enjoy Today

One festive fiend couldn’t help but comment, “Wowee! It’s a Christmas-time miracle. I’ve always known that Christmas is the best time of year, but it’s nice to have it confirmed by real hard scientific data that you can’t dispute or argue with. I’ll toast my eggnog to that!”

Another annual Christmas-goer, who asked to remain anonymous, added, “It’s Christmas all around the world! Even here in sunny Portugal where the sun always shines and the rain is never near, we think Christmas is the best time of year every year and are so glad to hear that there’s a little lad out there who agrees with me and my best friends, Tiana, Michael, and Chlorine.”

Critics of the results, however, were quick to pour Grinch-flavoured Scrooge juice all over everyone’s fun.

According to so-called scientists, Luke’s survey was far from conclusive as he wasn’t wearing a white coat at the time. Had he been conducting the survey in the official uniform of science (and maybe even been holding a clipboard and pen for extra effect), then the scientific community might have looked at these results with a bit more respect.

Until then, Christmas will have to remain just ‘one of the most popular days for a third year in a row’.

For more on this story, read this: Christmas Voted Most Popular Vacation For Second Year Running

In a ground breaking agreement, world leaders from across the globe have come together to ban all wars, with the exception of the War on Christmas.

“We believe that this is a fair and equitable solution that will allow us to maintain peace and harmony while still preserving our cherished traditions,” said United Nations Secretary-General António Guterres.

The ban on war will go into effect immediately, with the exception of the War on Christmas, which will be allowed to continue indefinitely.

War on Christmas death toll now in the millions

When asked why the War on Christmas was excluded from the ban, Guterres explained that it is a “sacred conflict” that must be fought every year to protect the sanctity of the Christmas period.

“The War on Christmas is a battle for the soul of our civilization,” said Guterres. “We must never surrender to the forces of secularism and political correctness that seek to destroy our most cherished traditions.”

World leaders also agreed to establish a new international organization, the War on Christmas Council, which will be responsible for overseeing the conflict and ensuring that it is conducted in a fair and orderly manner.

war on christmas meme — Oh, is this too controversial? Can’t handle a little dark humor, huh? It’s woke correctness gone mad!! I SAY LEGALIZE COMEDY!!!

The council will be made up of representatives from all countries that celebrate Christmas, and it will be responsible for setting the rules of engagement, monitoring compliance with the ban on war, and investigating any alleged violations.

The agreement to ban all wars except for the War on Christmas was met with mixed reactions. Some people praised the decision, saying that it would help to promote peace and understanding among nations. Others criticized the decision, saying that it was discriminatory and unfair.

war on christmas tweet — How about this one? Too soon? God, I can’t win with you!!!

Despite the controversy, the ban on war is expected to go into effect as scheduled. And so, the world will once again be at peace, except for people who say ‘happy holidays,’ they can get shot.

You’ve heard of the Air Force, you’ve heard of Space Force well now get ready for TECH FORCE!

TECHFOOOORRRCE!!! *nenenehnehnehnehTHEME TUNE!!*

*explosion!*

Yeeeahh, baby, the US Tech Force is a new program to get you yung-uns into tech. So get this, with NO college degree and ZERO experience, YOU can earn between $150,000 and $200,000 for a two year stint working in a federal agency! Bargain!

(I promise this isn’t an advert)

So why is the government looking to hire more people when DOGE just fired so many government employees? Well, because DOGE just fired so many government employees. Turns out that those people who pushed the buttons and pressed the levers? Well, yeah, you need those people.

But what you DON’T need is to pay for experienced people, no, you can just hire teenagers off the street for much much less! Yay!

Where’s Big Balls? Let’s get him back in here, he can run the show.

According to Fortune, DOGE, “Orchestrated the departure of about 260,000 government employees through buyouts, early retirements, or terminations. Among those cuts were technology-focused programs including the entire 18F digital consulting group and substantial portions of the U.S. Digital Service.”

But now, tech force aims to hire 1,000 “fellows” to stop that gap. Partnered with AWS, Meta, Microsoft, Apple, Oracle, Palantir and xAI to train these new peeps and then maybe even hire them afterwards this could be a really good scheme for you reading this right now, why are you still here? SIGN UP TODAY!

Back in the day, famed car manufacturer Henry T. Ford spoke out against the creation of a central US bank and was then promptly murdered by JP Morgan on the Titanic.

Jks.

But Ford did have his newspaper, The Dearbord Independent, write that the Federal Reserve System was “a system of private banks [that heradled] a creation of a banking aristocracy.”

Yeah, but he also didn’t like anyone who drove a red car, so what does he know?

God, could you imagine private financial interests running newspapers and such? So glad that doesn’t happen today.

Ford also commented that, “It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would be a revolution before tomorrow morning.”

Haha, what a joker. Yes, we’ve come a long way since Ford’s time. The Fed is now a cornerstone of the US economy, along with the gold reserve, and my regular credit card repayments, which I definitely do.

Meanwhile, Henry Ford died penniless and isn’t remembered for anything.

But his legacy lives on! Ford’s sentiment has echoes in current US President Donald J. Trump thinking. Trump has recently spoken out against the Fed and its chair, saying that, “I don’t think it good,” probably, idk, I don’t read the news.

But what do you think? Is the Fed really just a private bank designed to divest money from individuals and businesses and move control into the hands of big government? Or do you disagree?

Let us know in the comments!

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Err… No.

Walmart? More like walfart…

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