Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

You might have seen that Elon Musk attended Donald Trump’s big dinner with MBS (mortgage-backed securities), implying that the hatchet has been buried, the beef has been quashed and my parents are finally getting undivorced.

So two morally bankrupt billionaires attended a dinner with a journalist murderer but could there be something more sinister going on? Could the entire feud have just been a carefully orchestrated economic distraction?

Probably not. That seems about too clever.

…but maybe.

I mean, look at the timeline. Trump gets into power, announces Elon as his VP, and the economy’s doing fine. But then the beef starts, they call each other pedophiles (a classic move) and Trump kicks Musky man out his (white) house. Things are looking shaky so the economy crashes, all their rich friends can buy in cheap and now, the moment we get another lil boost with this whole Nvidia thing, they’re apparently back together.

It’s the perfect crime.

I don’t know if you watch Love House? It’s a Netflix reality show and it’s pretty good but basically Cassie and Christie were beefing because Christie slept with Troy so then Cassie and Troy broke up but then in the next episode Cassie and Christie were like best friends and then it’s like, were they actually beefing? Or did they both just want an excuse to get rid of Troy?

So anyway, this Trump and Musk thing is just like that.

Also I made all that up, Love House isn’t real. But it should be. Then Trump and Musk could live there.

We’ll see how this plays out but I definitely learned one thing from this situation and it’s don’t get back together with your ex, they’ll only break your heart again.

Nvidia, the $5 trillion dollar company that seems to be holding up the entire economy, reported their long-awaited quarterly earnings recently, and boy, did they earn.

$57 billion in revenue and $65 billion predicted for the next quarter. Whew. Hold on, I need to lie down.

In a statement, CEO of Leather Jackets, Jensen Huang said, “Blackwell sales are off the charts, and cloud GPUs are sold out. We’ve entered the virtuous cycle of AI. The AI ecosystem is scaling fast — with more new foundation model makers, more AI startups, across more industries, and in more countries. AI is going everywhere, doing everything, all at once.”

Shit, was that an em—dash? Did Huang just use AI to make a statement about how AI is cool? Dang, I respect the hustle.

So maybe there is no bubble? Or there is, but it’s made of steel or something, idk. At the very least it’s still expanding since Nvidia’s boosted stock for all the other AI companies like AMD (up 4%), Micron (up 2%), Amazon, Google, Meta, Microsoft, Al’s Neon Tires And Roll On Slacks (wait, that’s Al, like Albert, not A.I., sorry I git mixed up…) all received gains from the rally.

Here are some more numbers that I don’t understand: “For Q3, Nvidia saw earnings per share (EPS) of $1.30 on revenue of $57.01 billion. Analysts were anticipating EPS of $1.26 on revenue of $55.2 billion, according to Bloomberg consensus data. The company saw EPS and revenue of $0.81 and $35.1 billion, respectively, in the same period last year. The AI giant’s data center business brought in $51.2 billion versus estimates of $49.3 billion. Nvidia’s gaming revenue was $4.3 billion, just short of the $4.4 billion estimate.”

…Sorry, I fell asleep. What did I miss?

But yeah, things are good it seems so once again, thank you Nvidia.

I pledge Allegiance to Nvidia in the United States of America and to the AI chips for which it stands, one nation under Trump, indivisible, with fast internet speeds and cool neon camera glasses for all.

The valuation is $230 billion, there you go, saved you some time…

It turns out that Elon ‘Smells’ Musk is still not content with the dubious title of ‘richest man in the world’ and wants to be a bit richer. No, a $70.5 billion net worth and a trillion-dollar pay package doesn’t buy you much these days, so Musky-man’s in the market for $15 billion to go towards his AI startup, xAI (XAAIAA.PVT).

‘Startup’? What are we even talking about? OpenAI is apparently a startup, these aren’t cobbled together by teenagers in a garage, what are you talking about?

The equity ask would give xAI (and that’s not one of his kids, just to clarify) a valuation of $230 billion dollars worth of money (USD), which is more than double what it was back in March. I’m sorry, guys, are we looking at the same product here? We’re still talking about the creators of MechaHitler right? You’re saying that’s worth $230 billion? I guess they know something we don’t…

Definitely not a Nazi — Any implied connection with the Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei is purely coincidental.

I mean xAI has seen rapid growth over the last two years from not existing at all to existing now. With the flagship product: Grok and the not quite so flagship product: Spicy Grok, xAI have really made a name for themselves, even if that name is completely unpronouncable.

xAI? More like, x-A-WHY-is-this-company-so-valuable?

Tesla’s also getting in on the action with stockholders approving an investment in the company earlier this month. So I guess we’re just moving money round in circles so long as it’s in Elon’s orbit? That’s just money laundering, right?

xAI hopes to rival OpenAI and Claude and Google AI and Bing AI for AI dominance in the AI space which should be easy because Bing sucks.

We’ll see how this plays out though. Will Elon take over the world or will FOMO push him closer to become the man who finally pops the bubble?

For more high-quality journalism like this, click here: Elon Musk Smells

AI Bubble? What AI Bubble?

Google (GOOG, GOOGL, GOOGOOGAGA) just posted some outstanding earnings, well above what you’d expect even for a company with a monopoly over the entire internet. It looks like they’ve managed to dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge through the recent AI pullback to gain a massive six-point boost when everyone else is flailing.

And the hero behind the Goog’s massive rally is no other than the GOAT of investments himself: Mr. Warren Buffett.

Yes, that’s right, Buffett’s investment firm, Berkshire Hathaway (BRB) just ploughed $4.93 billion into 17.85 million shares in Alphabet. …That’s the company that owns Google, not like, you know, the dictionary.

It’s a surprising move from the Berkshire boys, considering Buffett just pulled a bunch of stock out of tech recently and seems to be pretty averse to the sector.

Here’s a quote for you, why not: “The ‌stake purchase of a tech company may represent a different type of mentality at Berkshire, though it’s not a total departure from its value-investing model,” said Steve Sosnick, chief strategist at Interactive Brokers (who?).

It’s all a good thing for Google, which just rallied 14% this quarter, gaining 46%, in part thanks to Buffett’s move.

google stock graph — I just screenshotted this graph, is that of any interest? let me know, if not, I can take it down…

And tbh this may be Buffett’s last move. The 95-year-old is scheduled to step down as Berkshire’s chairperson and pass away at some point next year.

Google, Shmoogle

The question remains: what is Google’s place in the new AI landscape? They’ve put their money where their mouths are (is?) with a big investment in the new tech and data centers and the like. It’s what everyone else is doing but there’s a problem: AI undermines Google’s core product which is search.

Now you’ve got some market confusion because right along side its search there’s an AI mode and AI suggestions at the top of every search result. It’s harder than ever to use Google as was previously intended.

So what’s the deal are they cannibalising their own flagship product? Or is this the future of search?

We may not know for many years, but one thing is for certain: these latest earnings seem to say that it’s on the right track.

Tesla shareholders have just approved Elon’s famous $1trl pay package, securing Musk’s continued commitment to the company he probably should have already been committed to without a bribe.

But the thing is despite the big headlines, Elon is not now suddenly the world’s first trillionaire, no, he’s going to have to work for it.

Elon Gate

You see, Elon has to ensure Tesla hits some pretty big targets if he’s going to be in with a chance of winning the shares that could be worth up to one trillion dollars. And some of those targets are pretty hard to hit if I say so myself.

For one, Tesla has to reach a market cap of $8.5 trillion, which, come on guys, that’s a little ambitious. Nvidia, which is way more important than you, only just reached 5 trill. Apple, freaking Apple, is still only worth half of what you’re projecting.

Elon Tesla Pay Package — Just look at this graph. Elon’s got a lot of work to do.

So yeah, I think this is all pretty academic, especially when recently Tesla’s sales have slumped, profits have crashed and they face ongoing challenges from China, China, and China.

But it’s fine because Elon has a plan: pivot to making robots, robotaxis and fast food joints. Yeah, that’ll work…

So it’s unlikely Elon will get his trilly, but hey, ‘Elon could earn a trillion dollars’ makes for a pretty catchy headline, I mean, you clicked on it, didn’t you?

Previously On Elon’s Quest To Be Even Richer…

Previously on this story, Elon Musk, the world’s most rich man by volume, gate-crashed his own earnings call to beg shareholders to vote in favor of this controversial $1 trillion pay package. Come on, a guy’s got to eat.

Musk interrupted his CFO at the end of the 75-minute call to say, “I just think that there needs to be enough voting control to give a strong influence, but not, not so much that I can’t be fired if I go insane.”

Wait, why… why would ‘going insane’ even be on the cards, Elon? I never thought you’d go insane. Why did you bring that up? I’m definitely worried that’s now an option, ELON.

Weirdly, that’s almost exactly what he said back in August when he weaselled himself a $30 billion pay bump, “I think my control over Tesla should be enough to ensure that it goes in a good direction, but not so much control that I can’t be thrown out if I go crazy.” We get it, you could go cray-cray, please stop saying it.

But other than that, I feel this is a weirdly measured response which basically boils down to ‘I need more power, please.’ and I guess he now has it…

Elon carried on, “I just don’t feel comfortable building a robot army here and then being ousted because of some asinine recommendations from ISS and Glass Lewis who have no freaking clue.” Jesus, no one’s asking you to build a robot army. I think you might have already gone insane, sir.

Look, a big fat trilly sounds insane for the man who’s already worth more than the entire GDP of his home South Africa, BUT, as a spokesperson put it, “The proposed pay package is actually worth zero to our CEO unless and until the shareholders see the value of the company nearly double and an operational milestone is met.”

I’m sure you’re job is the same, I just know that you wouldn’t get out of bed if you weren’t dangled a massive bonus of double your current earnings. What, you work to the best of your ability and still only get paid your normal rate? Well, shit, sorry mate, maybe you should have thought about that before you became poor.

So in conclusion, yes, they’ve finally granted him his hypothetical one trillion in shares BUT Elon will have an uphill battle for the monies, considering Tesla’s been in a rut lately. Yes, they had a record quarterly revenue from buyers trying to cash in their expiring tax credits, BUT profits dropped 37%. The company continues to face threats from all sides: the US government, Chinese competition, and this random bill for one trillion dollars that no one can seem to explain…

Tesla shareholders are meeting in Austin, Texas right now with the course of history in their hands: will Elon Musk quit the company as nothing more than the world’s richest man? Or will they give him a trillion dollars and make him even more the world’s richest man?

Either way, this article will probably be out of date by the time you read it.

We’re talking about the hotly contested pay package that, if Elon can make Tesla hit its targets, will grant him up to $1 trillion dollars in United States money (dollars).

That’s a pretty hot bribe, so hot in fact that if the shareholders vote to take it away from Musk, he might just take his ball and go home.

Shit, I wish I could get a trillion dollars just from threatening to leave my job, wait, let me try it…

…no. They said I was welcome to quit and I just shrivelled and said in the smallest, most pathetic voice, ‘noooo, thank you, I’ll staaayyyy’…

Elons For A Pay Rise (Get it? like, ‘he longs’, Elon… no?)

Anyways. I know a trillion sounds like a lot but it’s not like they’re physically handing him over a football field’s worth of stacked dollar bills. No, we’re talking about a 423.7 million shares, which are worth about a trillion dollars. So that’s all fair then.

And all that’s only if Tesla can reach a market cap of $8.5 trillion, which, come on guys, that’s a little ambitious. Nvidia, which is way more important than you, only just reached 5 trill. Apple, freaking Apple, is still only worth half of what you’re projecting.

So yeah, I think this is all pretty academic, especially when recently Tesla’s sales have slumped, profits have crashed and they face ongoing challenges from China, China, and China.

But it’s fine because Elon has a plan: pivot to making robots, robotaxis and fast food joints. Yeah, that’ll work…

So it’s unlikely Elon will get his trilly from this vote at least even if it does go through but hey, ‘Elon could earn a trillion dollars’ makes for a pretty catchy headline, I mean, you clicked on it, didn’t you?

Why? AI, that’s wh-ai.

The company behind the Amazon Basics Golf Ball and the Amazon Basics Stainless Steel Tri-Ply Frying Pan, 30 cm, Heat-Resistant Handle, Silver, said yesterday that it would be cutting 5% of its overall staff, all from its corporate sector.

Yes, not content with just crashing the internet, Amazondotcominc. plans to crash 14,000 lives too.

The company has not confirmed whether Jeff Bezos’ role will be included in that 14,000, because if you really wanted to save money, that’s where I’d start, guys.

Fired Amazon employees — Just to help you visualize it, this is what 14,000 people look like. Look into their eyes. How could you even think about firing these people?

This is a cost-cutting measure, and Ama-zone isn’t firing these family members because it thinks AI can replace them (you can’t automate the work of Operations Manager at Amazon Air, KCVG, Aleksandra Isaac), no it’s because Bezos et. al. spent too much on AI and need to cut costs elsewhere. They claim that they can now be more efficient because of AI, but let’s be honest, that’s BS.

As SVP Beth Galetti put it in the most vomit-inducing corporate speak you’ve ever heard, “We expect to continue hiring in key strategic areas while also finding additional places we can remove layers, increase ownership, and realize efficiency gains.”

Shit, OK, fine, I take it back, maybe you can automate what Galetti does.

Amazon? More Like Imma Done Here.

This is all part of an ongoing scale-back from when Army Zone overhired during the pandemic. Back in 2023, the company cut 27,000 workers, which was fun.

$AMZN of course got a tasty stock boost from the latest news, up +2.76% at market close yesterday. I mean, that number might be completely different by the time you read this so idk what use it is for me to put that there.

We’ll see on Thursday when the company’s quarterly report comes out whether Amazon’s big AI gamble has paid off. You would have thought no after literally crashing the internet but I guess 14,000 less paychecks to send out would say otherwise…

For more Amazong news, read this one: Amazon Orders Delivery Drivers to Work From Home

At 9:30 in the morning, four masked intruders climbed a ladder, broke intruder window, and stole over $102 million worth of jewels from the Louvre museum in Paris, all in under eight minutes… and they didn’t even pay for any of it.

Yes, this is the Louvre jewelry heist, the biggest heist in France since Nicolas Sarkozy heisted dirty Libyan money for his presidential campaign.

But how does it compare to previous heists in the world? Let’s take a look at the top ten museum heists ranked by how cool they were (plus some random means because why not?):

10. The Louvre Jewelry Heist That Just Happened

We’re starting with the most recent one in which priceless crown jewels, including ones owned by THE Napoleon were stolen. The jewels will likely be removed and the metal melted down, basically for the scrap value alone. Not cool.

9. Ocean’s 8

Obviously, the Ocean movies have to make an appearance on this list and I’m NOT talking about Finding Nemo here. The eighth entry into the series is maybe the worst, but not because it has women in. I am not a misogynist. No, this movie sucks because the plot sucks. There literally isn’t a clever heist in here, no clever twist; they just take the necklace. It sucks.

8. The Heist of Jacob de Gheyn III

Yeah, I’d never heard of it either, but apparently this is one of the most stolen paintings in the world, having been stolen in 1966, 1973, 1981 AND 1982 wtf guys, literally just put it somewhere else.

7. Ocean’s 13

The second worst Oceans film is the third in the original trigonal. I literally don’t remember the plot of this one. Forgettable. Not as good. 2/5.

6. The Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum Heist, Boston in 1990

Probably the biggest art heist in American history and still unsolved. 13 priceless works were nabbed by two men disguised as police officers in the early morning. They tied up the security guards and made away with half a billion dollars worth of merch. You know, movie shit.

5. Ocean’s 12

Speaking of movies, it doesn’t beat the original, but it’s better than the other two. Ocean’s 12 is a fun return to the series and I think this is the one where Julia Roberts plays Not Julia Roberts and everyone hated that plot point but I thought it was really funny.

4. Van Gogh Museum Heist, Amsterdam

This one is SUSPICIOUSLY similar to the Louvre heist that just happened. It also involved a ladder and breaking in with sledgehammers so idk, maybe the same guys? The paintings were only recovered from the Naples mafia 14 years later. Crazy.

3. This one time I forgot my wallet but I needed milk and so I just put some in my coat pocket and walked out of the store and no one even stopped me.

Ngl, it was pretty slick. Felt like I was in Finding Nemo and everything.

2. The Mona Lisa Heist, the Louvre (again, lol)

Literally the reason that the Mona Lisa is famous. It got stolen the Lovre by an Italian employee who thought the painting belonged in Italy. Fair point. The painting was only recovered years later but by that point it was too late, they’d already made mugs and t-shirts and everything.

1. Ocean’s 11

The OG, the GOAT, the HTMI cable, Ocean’s 11 is actually a remake, not a lot of people know that, but it’ll always be the original in my heart. Maybe the coolest heist out there so I think it trumps all the real ones imo.

But what do you think? Let me know in the comment section we don’t have below.

Amazon big boss and “Breaker of Internets”, Jeffrey Bezos is also a breaker of house valuation records after selling his Seattle mansion for an eye-emulsifying $63 million dollars. That’s the most expensive property ever sold in Washington.

Now that might sound like a lot, but it’s nothing compared to the $237 million American dollars he’s spent on his Miami compound.

Coincidentaly, J-B is worth $237 Billion dollars ($USD) so I don’t know if they picked that number just for synergy or what.

B-Z-Boy only bought the 9,420-square-foot Seattle mansion for $37.5 million dollars (there’s that 37 again, what’s going on?) so a sale of $63 million dollars gives him a net profit of… quick math… at least $20-something million dollars in money.

The area has an average house price of $8 million, one of the priciest in the US, due to its proximity to Seattle’s tech hub. For Jeff, it was only an eight-mile private jet flight to work, so, ideal.

A lake-front view, three bedrooms, four bathrooms (one for every kind of shit), an elevator, a walk-in closet, two kitchens, a rooftop terrace and a glass walkway to the two-story guesthouse. What more could you want?

Well, a lot more apparently. In Miami, Jeff owns three mansions in the ‘Billionaire Bunker’ area and he plans to demolish them to build one single megamansion. But don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll look really tasteful.

But Miami’s a long way from work, Jeff, you had the perfect commute, why’d move, Jeff? Well, why do billionaires do anything? Money.

Washington just upped their capital gains tax to 7% but Miami is way more welcoming to greedy bastards.

…sorry, sorry, I meant to say that Jeff moved to be closer to his in-laws. Yes, of course, sorry, that’s the real reason.

For more on this story, read this one: Bezos Sells Amazon Shares To Pay For Wedding, Narrowly Avoids Bankruptcy

Small nuclear reactor manufacturer, NuScale (SMR), just got a 15% stock boost on Wednesday after the US Army of all people just slid a whole pile of chips their way whilst saying, “All in.”

They’re calling it the “Janus Program” which doesn’t sound evil at all and the idea is fast track these mini nuclear reactors so they become the future of clean, green, glowing green energy. Definitely nothing to do with making nuclear warheads or anything like that we promise.

Like everything these days, it all goes back to Donald Trump who demanded that military bases have operational reactors by 2028. The idea being that if one gets attacked, the whole thing’s wiped off the map.

NuScale had an all time low in April but now they’re up an explosive 375% from then. Fuck me.

nuclear power graph — Here’s a handy graph to explain… oh, shit, wait, no wrong graph

The thing is, nuclear has long been the future of energy, yes, radiation is dangerous, but modern power plants are pretty safe and way more efficient and less polluting than fucking windfarms which kill clouds.

But massive disasters like Chernobyl, Fukushima, Three-Mile Island, and that one time I farted so bad my grandma died have given nuclear power a bad rep (wrap?). Now when people think of nuclear power, they think of glowing green goo and three-armed mutants with whatever the opposite of superpowers are.

Oh and also the looming threat of nuclear war, that’s another one… huh, maybe it’s not so good…

A Nuclear Explosion But The Good Kind

So now companies like NuScale are looking to change this perception that and it seems these mini-reactors, like you might get on a nuclear submarine, may be the future of the tech. For one thing, they’re cheaper, easier to maintain, and at least 1 times less likely to explode than my ass.

Accelerating the push is those thirsty, thirsty AIs which need at least a gigawatt of electrical electricity per day. Private nuclear reactors, maybe even pocket-sized ones, might be on the horizon and it’s all thanks to Grok.

So take that, Iran.

For more on this story read this: Big Tech Invests In Nuclear Energy To Save Planet, No, Wait Sorry, I Meant ‘To Save AI’

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