Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

President Donald Trump has clarified his already exceedingly clear explanation on his exemption to the tariff pause. Tweeting on Truth Social, Trump explained that exemptions to the restrictions might be restricted.

This potential pause on his previous pause on exemption restriction pausing marks a U-turn on his previous U-turn, however, this back-peddling on his back-peddling means that he is now going forward. So that’s a good thing, actually.

{Pause for applause}

But, as political scholars are quick to point out, Trump might face a legal roadblock as his new “no paws” stance defies the constitutional “right to bear-arms”.

Trump countered to this counter, citing “probable pause”.

According to the internet, Trump wrote, “NOBODY is getting “off the hook” for the unfair Trade Balances…” Now game recognize game here as you will note the excellent pun there. You see, Trump is referring to the exemption he made to tariffs on smartphones. Now, old timey phone receivers used to be literally hung on hooks (which is where the phrase ‘hang up’ comes from). Whether you love him or hate him, Trump sure knows his phone history.

Anyway, “…especially not China which, by far, treats us the worst! There was no Tariff “execption” announced on Friday. These products are subject to the existing 20% Fentanyl Tariffs, and they are just moving to a different Tariff “bucket”. The Fake News knows this, but refuses to report it.”

Now, this is an idea that I completely understand and can explain simply to you now. You see, Trump has placed a Tariff on Fentanyl being sold in buckets. Any Fentanyl that overflows by 20% is subject to a Tariff until it’s not. And if anyone tries to explain it differently, they’re talking FAKE NEWS.

Reportedly, Trump is now exploring a secret “third direction” for the markets to go in after trials of both “up” and “down” were unsuccessful last week.

Watch this space for the inevitable complete U-turn on this same topic tomorrow.

Or, for a better joke on this same story, go read The Onion.

BREAKING NEWS: In an effort to infinitely diversify his portfolio, the richest man in the world, Elon Musk, has bought Nasdaq, Inc., the company that owns and operates the Nasdaq stock market.

NASDAQ was eager to finalise the buyout with Elon Musk after they filed for bankruptcy following months of massive stock market crashes caused by Elon Musk.

Tweeting (X-ing, whatever) about the purchase, Elon has already stated his plan to rebrand the market ‘X-Stonks Exchange’, fitting with his love of memes, the letter ‘X’, and being lame.

To see Musk’s full press release from X, you can read the entirety of his statement below:

“NASDAQ = Xtonks”

Alongside the purchase, Mr. Musk plans to release a crypto-meme-currency-coin $XTONKS and accompanying merch. I plan on buying myself a hat.

Additionally, E.M. has said he will strip the company of all its baggage and everything that made it run effectively. Elon will fire 46% of the staff, and those that remain will be allowed to work so long as they conduct all their tasks with Musk’s AI, Grok.

Now, although this may appear that Musky Man will now have full control over the NASDAQ xtonks exchange itself, this is not the case. Yes, Elon now has full ownership of all companies listed on the exchange. And yes, will be given access to a pen and the big room with all the squiggly lines so that he can draw his own. But he’s a good guy, and he would never draw Tesla stock going up. No, that would be a conflict of interest, so he probably wouldn’t do that.

Again, Elon is the richest man in the world and controls half the government, he doesn’t need this. For him, this is a side project, like his kids.

Hopefully, the Elon purchase will bring more transparency to the opaque process and answer questions like, ‘How come NASDAQ is publicly traded on the NASDAQ?’ ‘How do they choose those silly names, and can I have one?’ and ‘What even is money anyways?’

Donald Trump’s liberation day is finally upon us, praise be! As was foretold in the prophecies of yore, “And lo, the one who has a hue of orange shalt descend from his tower and proclaim the taxes to be one quart of all importations.”

Yes, this is the news that President Trump’s tariffs will now take effect. At the time of writing, the death toll is only at 4 million, which was the lower end of estimates.

‘Liberation Day’, modelled after the 1996 science fiction movie, ‘Independence Day’ also involves a full-scale war against all hostile invaders. However, where it says, ‘full scale war’ read, ‘trade war’ and where it says ‘hostile invaders’ read, ‘Chinese manufacturing’.

Stock markets have plummeted ahead of the announcement, and foreign countries have already promised reciprocal tariffs, but THERE AIN’T NO BREAKS ON THE TARIFF TRAIN!

Look, I’m no economist, and maybe we’ll come out the other side of this with more money and more of that sweet, sweet manufacturing than ever before. But then again, I’m also not an economist, and the view from the ground is that costs are going up, and again, millions are dead.

Liberation Is A State Of Mind

But there’s more to tariffs than just money. Trump sees these tariffs like… what’s the word for blackmail that isn’t ‘blackmail’?… Trump sees the tariffs as a bargaining chip to encourage neighbors to do more to curb the immigration of the two worst things: fentanyl and people.

As a major importer, Trump will be able to use the tariffs as a carrot and stick to get foreign governments to fall in line. Hopefully.

The knock-on effect will but nuts. Like, it’s crazy how one guy can be like, ‘yeah, tariffs’ and then economies from Vietnam to Guam potentially have all their businesses upended.

It’s crazy that this one day could be a pivot point into a new era of history. Think about that. OK, not too hard, you’ll hurt yourself.

To read more about the tariffs, click here: Musk To Sell Three-Wheeled Teslas To Avoid Trump’s 25% Auto Tariff

New research conducted by the PepsiCo company has uncovered the existence of a rare, previously unknown species of wombat that subsists solely on Doritos.

Ingeniously named the ‘Doritos Wombat’ (Doritophagus nachoensis), this remarkable marsupial has evolved a triangular snout perfectly adapted for chowing down on tasty tasty Cool Ranch Dorito chips and dipping into “our wide selection of dips and salsas”.

“We were initially sceptical when we first heard reports of wombats eating Dorito chips,” said D.R. Andrews (not a doctor), lead author of the study published in Chips and Dips Monthly. “But after conducting extensive field observations and laboratory experiments, we can confirm that the Doritos wombat is indeed a real animal.”

According to D.R. Andrews (again, that’s just his initials), the wombat is believed to have originated in the southwestern United States. Although wombats are not native to this region it is presumed that an escaped pet, subsisted solely off the popular snack and bred to form the new species. The wombats have since spread to other parts of the country and have been spotted in states as far away as Canada and Gaza.

“This wombat is a testament to the incredible diversity of life on Earth and the delicious taste and wide range of Doritos products,” said D.R. Andrews (His name is Desmond Raymond Andrews, the fact he goes by D.R. is just misleading).

But how can this be profitable for Frito-Lay? I hear you ask. Well, to promote the discovery, the snack company behind the chips has launched a tie-in ‘wombat flavor’, set to hit shelves next year. They also hope the renewed interest in the snack will increase sales (of the snack that is).

Conservationists are concerned that the wombat’s reliance on a single food source could make it vulnerable to population declines if Doritos were to become unavailable or reformulated. Doritos and Dorito-branded products have now been placed on the endangered species list, the first time anything other than a species has received such an honor.

“We need to protect the Doritos wombat and its unique dietary habits,” said D.R. Andrews (I’m sorry, but legally I have to clarify every time, that this man is not a doctor). “We owe it to future generations to ensure that this amazing creature continues to grace our trashcans. If you love nature, keep buying Doritos!”

This article is sponsored by Doritos.

Crypto company Ripple has announced its upcoming rebrand to ‘Tsunami’ following a surge in XRP after the Securities and Exchange Commission dropped its lawsuit against the company.

“Ripple just really doesn’t suit us anymore,” explained CEO Brad Garlinghouse (yes, that’s his real name). “We thought about ‘Wave’ but that’s too small. No, we needed something that reflects our recent success, something with a much higher death toll, so we’ve gone with Tsunami.”

Ripple’s coin XRP was already on the up as one of the major beneficiaries of Trump’s second term, boosting 400% since the election even though that’s impossible because percent is out of 100.

Donald Trump also said in a Truth Social post that he would create a strategic crypto reserve which would include XRP. This reserve would act a lot like the gold reserve, as in it would be completely pointless.

Now adding to Ripple’s wins, the SEC has dropped their four-year lawsuit and XRP has received another 20% boost. Crazy times.

The lawsuit initially began when the SEC accused Ripple of trading XRP before the coin was registered but now they don’t really care I guess.

This comes alongside other similar recent laxes. The SEC has dropped their case against Coinbase, Robinhood, Uniswap, Gemini, Consensys and Wall Street Memes, thank god. The SEC also redefined meme coins as not securities but just a bit of fun, lol.

It’s almost as if there’s been some kind of political sea change or something.

For more crypto news read this article, why not? It’s not like you have anything better to do today: Area Man Discovers He’s Been Pronouncing “Crypto” Wrong His Entire Life

A local man digging a very deep hole for himself has insisted that the solution to his ‘digging problem’ is to “just keep digging.”

For years, the unwritten rule of the beach is that sandcastle builders would help each other. Some might build bigger sandcastles than others but either way, everyone’s lending tools and helping each other out.

A few weeks ago, however, this rule was broken when local sandcastle builder, Donald (not his real name) decided not to help the other builders. Instead, Don collected all his spades and buckets and set about digging a really deep hole.

When everyone on the beach pointed out that this was a stupid waste of time, Donald climbed out of his hole, kicked over a couple sandcastles, stole everyone else’s tools and threw them into his hole, then just kept on digging.

It seemed that nothing could stop Donald, even when it became clear that he wouldn’t be able to climb out, even when Donald hit water and the hole started flooding, Donald did not stop, Donald kept digging.

“If they’re going to dig a hole, then I’m going to dig a deeper one!” shouted Donald from the bottom of his hole, but Donald was so deep in his own hole that he couldn’t see that no one else was digging a hole and they just wanted to build sandcastles.

Everyone has pleaded with Donald to stop, but he has insisted that when his hole is deep enough, he could dig his way to Russia and climb out there.

It remains to be seen whether Don’s big big hole will pay off or simply cave in on itself, but until either happens, let’s just keep throwing pennies down there and hope that turns out to be a wishing well.

In a bizarre story that is 100% real, a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto shaped like the Pokémon Charizard has just sold for nearly $90,000, prompting millions of people across America to search down the crevice between their couch cushions.

“It’s the new gold rush, for sure,” said part-time couch potato, Dogan Melisimby. “I found a Cheeto that looked just like Squirtle and thought, that’s for sure going to net me at least a mill but then I realised it was just chewing gum.”

The 3-inch-long snack, dubbed “Cheetozard” had been affixed to a custom Pokémon card and sealed in a plastic box for our own safety. Last year, the item went viral on social media and, due to its popularity, has now sold at auction for more money than any previous Charizard-shaped Cheeto.

How can that be profitable for Frito-Lay? I hear you ask. Well, the snack company behind Cheetos has now announced a range of Cheetos specifically cooked into Pokémon shapes thus immediately undercutting the entire market and making Cheetozard completely worthless.

New Pokémon shapes included in the branded Cheeto tie-in include: Ledian. Throh. Luvdisc. Avalugg. Wormadam. Delcatty. Uown. Glorporp. Duskclops. Regigigas. Garbodor. Sawk. Likwick. Okko. Trumbeak. Pogis. Spewpa. And everyone’s favourite… Dawn Wings Necrozma.

Each Cheéto-mon is worth $14,000.

Previous famous ‘Cheeto-likes’ (as they’re known on the street) include one that looked like Harambe the gorilla, which sold for $99,900, and one that looked exactly like my aunt. That last one didn’t sell, I gave it to her when I found it and she ate it immediately.

Wall Street Memes has reached out to Pepsi-Co (owners of Cheeto owners, Frito-Lay) for comment but as you well know we are forbidden from ever contacting them again after the previous incident.

Ohh, it’s Flamin’ like the dragon! I just got that. That’s cool. Haha, no wait, not ‘cool’ that’s ‘hot’ lol. Hot lol. Hahaha, I make myself laugh…

Winky face. Christmas tree. Eggplant. Now, that might seem like gibberish to the lay person, but to any savvy wallstreeter, this is a multi-million dollar deal and potentially the future of trading.

“We realized that emoji are a much more efficient way to communicate than traditional language,” said ‘Balls To The Wall’ trader, Lee Martin. “For example, instead of saying ‘buy stocks,’ we can just send a rocket emoji. And instead of saying ‘sell stocks,’ we can just send a bear emoji. Or let’s say I want to pump futures stocks in Chinese lithium mines I might say, 🙀🧥🦖💇‍♀️🏸… if that makes sense.”

Whilst this seems groundbreaking, for many, the change is nothing new. Elon Musk, for one, has long since switched to using emojis for all his communications. Musk recently tweeted a cryptic peanut emoji and sends poop emojis as default to all press enquiries.

The switch to emoji has not been without its challenges. Some traders have complained that it can be difficult to express complex ideas using only emoji, but they’re just 🧛.

“Sometimes I find myself having to use multiple emoji to convey a single idea,” said Dean Martin (no relation) another day trader. “For example, if I want to say ‘buy stocks in a tech company that is expected to grow rapidly,’ I have to send a rocket emoji, a computer emoji, a green arrow emoji, a laughing face emoji (to show I was happy about it) and then a love heart emoji to say that I love you and by that point you might as well just use words.”

Despite the challenges, the use of emoji in financial communication is on the rise. Some experts believe that emoji could eventually replace traditional language in the financial world and maybe even the world world.

“I think we’re seeing the beginning of a new era in financial communication 👯,” said one analyst. “Emoji are a powerful tool that can be used to convey complex ideas in a simple and efficient way 🐩.”

However, other experts are more skeptical. They argue that emoji can be too easily misinterpreted, which could lead to costly mistakes.

“I’m concerned that the use of emoji in financial communication could lead to confusion and misunderstandings,” said two economists. “I think it’s important to use caution when using emoji to communicate complex financial ideas 🍆.”

Only time will tell whether emoji will become the lingua franca of financial communication but I for one don’t think it will ever be able to say, write an entire article, for example…

[To read this entire article in emoji, please see below:]

🧱 💵 🅰 🌨 🆖 🇦 Ⓜ 🅰

😉 🌲 🍆. 🅰 . 🌨 , 🅰 Ⓜ Ⓜ 🅱 🇦 🌡 🅰 👱🏻‍♀️ , 🅱 🇦 💵 🅰 🧱 💵 🀄 Ⓜ 📧 🔛 🅰 🅰 🅰 🅰 🌡 🕐 🌾 🅰 .

” 👥⬅️ 🅰 🅰 Ⓜ 🅰 🀄 Ⓜ Ⓜ 🕐 🅰 🇦 🅰 👤📖 🅰 , ” 💬 ‘🏐 🇦 🌡 🧱’ 🅰 , 😪 🅰 . ” 🍴 🅰 , 🅰 🌾 💬 ‘ 🛒 ⭕ , ‘ 👥⬅️ 🥫 📦️➡️ 🀄 🚀 Ⓜ . ➕ 🅰 🌾 💬 ‘ ⭕ , ‘ 👥⬅️ 🥫 📦️➡️ 🀄 🐻 Ⓜ . 💬 🅿 🙏 🇦 ⛽️ 🕐 ⭕ 🅿 🇨🇳 Ⓜ Ⓜ 🅿 Ⓜ 💬 , ♀ 🍴 🅰 🛠️ 👃. ”

🧑‍🍳 , 🍴 🅰 🌡 🅰 🇮🇸 🆖 🆕 . 🍈 Ⓜ 🍴 1️⃣ 🅰 🆖 🦓 🇦 Ⓜ 🍴 🅰 👤👨⬅️ 🅰 . Ⓜ 🕐 🀄 😢 🥜 Ⓜ ➕ 📦️➡️ 🀄 💩 Ⓜ 🅰 🅰 🇦 🅰 🗜 🔍.

🇨🇭 🇦 Ⓜ 🅰 ❌ 🅱 ⭕ 🚮 🅰 . Ⓜ 🅰 🙏 👀 🅰 🇮🇹 🥫 🅱 🇦 🗯️ Ⓜ 💡 🆖 🔛 Ⓜ , 🅱 🧛 .

” Ⓜ 🅿 🔎 Ⓜ 🅰 🇦 🎠 Ⓜ Ⓜ 🇦 🔛 🀄 🆖 💡 , ” 💬 🅰 🅰 ( 🇳🇴 🅰 ) 🙏 👀 . ” 🍴 🅰 , 🍴 🅿 🙏 🇦 💬 ‘ 🛒 ⭕ 🅿 🀄 🅰 🅰 🇮🇸 ❌ 🇦 🌲⬆️ 🅰 , ‘ 🅿 🅰 🇦 📦️➡️ 🀄 🚀 Ⓜ , 🀄 💻️ Ⓜ , 🀄 🟢 ← Ⓜ , 🀄 😆 😀 Ⓜ ( 🇦 🚿 🅿 🅰 😀 🅰 🇮🇹 ) ➕ 🀄 ❤️ ❤️ Ⓜ 🇦 💬 🅰 🅿 ❤️ ➡️👤 ➕ 🅱 🅰 👈️ ➡️👤 Ⓜ 🅰 🎠 ⚔ . ”

🌡 🅰 , 🌡 🎠 🌾 Ⓜ 🅿 🅰 🅰 🇮🇸 🀄 🌡 🌄 . Ⓜ ❌ 💜 🅰 Ⓜ ⭕ 🅰 🅰 🅰 🅰 🅿 🌡 🅰 🌐 ➕ 🅰 ✌ 🌡 🌐 🌐 .

” 🅿 💭 🌻 ‘ 🆓 👀 🌡 🆕 🌾 🀄 🆕 🅰 🅿 🅰 🅰 👯 , ” 💬 1️⃣ 🅰 . ” Ⓜ 🅰 🀄 ⭕ 🔪 🅰 🥫 🅱 😒 🇦 🔛 Ⓜ 💡 🅿 🀄 👿 ➕ 🕐 🅰 🐩 . ” ✌ , ⭕ ❌ 🅰 Ⓜ 🤨 . 🅰 🅰 Ⓜ 🥫 🅱 🛠 🅰 Ⓜ , ⭕ 🅰 🇦 ⭕ 🅰 .

” 🅿 ‘ 🀄 🔛 🅰 🌡 🎠 🌾 Ⓜ 🅿 🅰 🅰 ⭕ 🅰 🇦 🔛 ➕ 🅰 , ” 💬 2️⃣ 🔛 . ” 🅿 💭 🇮🇹 ‘ 🆘 🅰 🇦 🎠 🅰 🆖 Ⓜ 🇦 🅰 Ⓜ 🅰 💡 🍆 . ” 🔛 ⏱️ 🗣️ Ⓜ 🅱 🌡 🅰 🅰 🌾 🅰 🅰 .

“I’M HERE, IN A CIRCLE AND IF I LEAVE I LOSE 5 BILLION DOLLARS!!!” shouts Mr. Beast, grinning ear to ear whilst somehow also maintaining no expression whatsoever.

Yes, this is the news that Mr. James Stephen “MrBeast” “Jimmy” Donaldson Beast III is looking to raise a few hundred million dollars in investments into the holding company that controls his various business assets. The fundraising would value his company at $5 billion which according to experts is a lot of money.

This funding round comes after Jimmy Beast was featured on the Diary Of A CEO podcast claiming that he lost “TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS ON BEAST GAMES” which may be true but also can’t be true since he’s keen to do a season 2. Anyway, that’s probably why he needs to raise the money, or maybe just so he can buy TikTok.

But what’s the real reason for the money? What’s the real reason for Ms. Beast in the first place? OK, he puts a lot of money into the videos but then he gets a lot of money back. But then he puts that money back into more videos. So the purpose of the money is the videos? Or is it the money? Do we really need Mr-Beast vids? Are they really that entertaining? Dare I ask, is it art? Or does it exist simply because it exists like an accidental child?

“BUT HERE’S THE CATCH,” continues MrBeast (one word it turns out). “I CAN’T LEAVE THIS CIRCLE OR I DIE!!!”

Wait, what? Jimmy, what do you mean you’ll die, you don’t have to die.

“THAT’S RIGHT I’LL DO IT! I’LL DO IT, DON’T PUSH ME!”

No, OK, Jimmy, we’ll get the money, please, just don’t leave the circle OK?

“OK, I WON’T LEAVE YET BUT YOU HAVE 48 HOURS TO GET ME $5 BILLION OR I’LL KILL MYSELF DON’T FORGET TO LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE!!!”

Oh, ok, right, oh god, quickly where am I going to get the money? Wait, I thought you were worth 5bil not that you needed…

“I’LL DO ITTTT!!!!!!”

Ahh! OK! Oh god, he’s got a gun. I gotta go, but please, please give this millionaire more money, I beg of you, ok, ahhhhh…

Last week, the crypto world was left shooketh when North Korean hackers pulled off the single largest heist in history. Now, in a dramatic cooling of geopolitical tensions, North Korea has agreed to return the $15bn worth of stolen Ether, “When we feel like it.”

Speaking in a televised address, Kin Jong-un explained that they had the money but assured the rest of the world that they are just borrowing the funds and they would happily give it back once they had a Lambo and been “to da moon”.

The heist is rumored to have been carried out by ‘Lazarus Group’ a hacker group presumably named because they have been tasked with resurrecting North Korea’s dying economy. The group was linked to the Sony email hack in 2014 in which my cousin Darryl lost his job because everyone found out that he’d been emailing James Franco unsolicited erotica.

Whilst North Korea could not return my cousin Darryl’s emails, they can return the hacked $1.5bn in Ether and plan to do so! And I for one put my undying faith in the dedicated agents working for Pyongyang.

Bybit insists that the money was fully backed and they don’t actually need the crypto returned which sounds a little fishy to me, a little hmmmmmmmm if you ask me a mmmmmm, ok?? A little, ohhhhh hmmmmmm mmmmmhmmmmm? You might say.

Whilst Bybit was able to replace all the money this is a completely different scenario to when the government just prints money willy nilly so don’t even bring it up, ok?

The money was stolen from a ‘cold wallet’ which is a crypto wallet that’s stored in a fridge rather than your pocket. How the hackers were able to get inside the fridge when it’s not even an internet fridge is anybody’s guess and Bybit’s employees are looking into the matter probably.

For more updates on this developing story probably look somewhere else, we’re not a real news source.

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