Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

Tesla Incorporation ($TSLALALA) just signed a $4.3 billion (casual numbers) deal to get their batteries from the South Korean company LG rather than China for once. But here’s the twist, the batteries will be made in LG’s US factories saving American manufacturing once and for all.

But here’s the twist, the batteries aren’t even going into the Tesla cars. So where are they going you ask? Well, here’s the twist: I don’t know where they’re going. Robots? Rockets? Mars? My ass? Who knows.

But here’s the twist: this is Tesla’s second deal this month with a South Korean company after they agreed to getting Samsung’s AI semiconductors for $6.5 billion. Is South Korea the new China? No.

But here’s the twist: these are LFP batteries. That’s lithium iron phosphate to the layman. What, that doesn’t spell LFP? Shut up. It does if you squint. Anyway, these batteries are like cheaper, better in the cold, have a higher energy density so they’re good to be building. But here’s the twist: China is the current king of LFPs, so Korea wants in on that action and now they’re getting it.

LG Energy already announced a $5.9 trillion contract to send LFP batteries overseas. There weren’t any more details than that but maybe Tesla’s deal is part of that.

Either way this represents a strong pivot by Tesla away from reliance on Chinese manufacturing but indicates a massive rise in South Korea’s already strong tech influence.

Who knows, maybe in the near future Tesla will be a South Korean company. Now that would be a twist.

For more Tesselations, click here: Elon Branches Out In Fast Food, Tesla Stock Tumbles

For decades, the investing world has been divided into two camps: the slow-and-steady, dividend-reinvesting boomer camp led by Warren Buffett, and the YOLO-ing, 100x-leverage, meme-coin-apeing degen camp led by us.

Until now.

In a discovery that is already being called “the Dead Sea Scrolls of getting rich,” a crumpled, ketchup-stained document believed to be a Dairy Queen napkin was recovered from a trash can outside Berkshire Hathaway headquarters. Scrawled on it, in what experts believe is the Oracle of Omaha’s own hand, are five principles that finally translate his legendary wisdom into a language today’s traders can understand.

Forget everything you thought you knew. Here are Warren Buffett’s secret tips for absolutely crushing the market.

1. Only Invest Within Your “Circle of Competence”

For years, Buffett has said he only invests in businesses he can understand, like insurance or railways. The modern translation? Only invest in memes you genuinely get.

Don’t understand the nuance of the latest cat-themed Solana coin? Stay away. But if a coin is based on a cartoon frog you’ve been posting for years, or a stock is surging because a guy on Reddit made a funny MS Paint drawing? That’s your circle of competence. That’s your Coca-Cola. Go all in. Your gut-level understanding of the meme’s virality is the only “fundamental analysis” you need.

2. Be Greedy When Others Are Fearful (of Missing Out)

The old interpretation was to buy when there’s blood in the streets. The real meaning is much simpler: When the FOMO in your group chat reaches a fever pitch, you must be greedier than anyone else.

Is everyone posting screenshots of their 500% gains? Are rocket emojis flooding your feed? That’s not a sign of a top. That’s the market screaming at you to be fearful… fearful that you’re not taking out a second mortgage to buy more. True Buffet-tier investors understand that the moment of maximum greed is the real generational buying opportunity.

3. Our Favorite Holding Period is “Until It Hits Zero or We’re Forced to Sell for Tax-Loss Harvesting”

Buffett famously said his favorite holding period is forever. Apes call this “diamond hands.” But the napkin reveals the true genius behind this strategy.

It’s not about long-term value. It’s about refusing to admit you were wrong. Selling at a 90% loss is for paper-handed cowards. A true value investor holds on, not because they believe in the asset, but because locking in a loss would damage their ego. The real “value” you get is the moral victory of going down with the ship.

4. It’s Far Better to Buy a Wonderful Meme at a Terrible Price Than a Terrible Meme at a Wonderful Price

A “wonderful meme” has a great community, a catchy name, and high-quality GIFs. A “terrible meme” is one that has actual utility or a business plan.

According to the sacred napkin, paying the absolute top for a coin like $DOGE in 2021 was a far superior investment to buying a boring, functional crypto project at the bottom. Why? Because for a brief, shining moment, you were part of something. You were part of the culture. And the memories of being up 10x for three hours are a “moat” that no bear market can ever take away.

5. Price is What You Pay. Clout is What You Get.

This might be the most profound revelation of all. Buffett’s old-fashioned ideas about “intrinsic value” are dead. You’re not buying a future cash flow stream. You’re buying a story.

Did you lose $5,000 on 0DTE GameStop options? Wrong. You paid $5,000 for a legendary story about how you fought the hedge funds, an anecdote you can tell for years. The “value” isn’t in the money; it’s in the upvotes, the retweets, and the respect you get from other financial deviants.

When reached for comment, Buffett’s long-time partner Charlie Munger, who was seen exiting the Dairy Queen shortly after the napkin was discovered, simply said, “Warren’s right. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go 100x leverage my See’s Candies position. To the moon.”

So there you have it, you going to send your tendies to the moon or whatever it is you people say? Yeah, we thought so.

Want more Buffett, you saucy minx? Click here: Buffett Just Cashed Out $300B Then Retired, Here’s How He Pulled It Off

President Donald Trump has just announced a massive trade deal with Japan in which the US of A receives a $500bn bribe, sorry, investment and in return only gets a 15% punishment, sorry, tariff.

To celebrate the news, we’ve run down the top ten things we’re going to get out of this coming trade deal (number 10 will kill you):

1. One (1) Slightly Damaged, Coal-Powered Mecha

In a major win for the American defense and fossil fuel industries, Japan will provide the U.S. with a 30-story-tall Liberty-Bot G-1 robot. While decommissioned after a costly battle with a giant squid in Tokyo Bay, White House officials assure the American people that with a few billion in retrofits and a clean coal engine, it will be perfectly capable of “handling Godzilla, or, failing that, intimidating Canada.”

2. Exclusive Rights To The Next 500 Episodes of Dragon Ball Z

Under the landmark “Anime For Agriculture” provision, the U.S. has secured the entire future run of the popular animated series. The deal stipulates, however, that the character of Goku must be redrawn to be a more visibly patriotic bald eagle and that all Spirit Bombs must henceforth be powered by American optimism and soybean exports.

3. A 40-Year Supply Of The Parts Of The Fish Japan Doesn’t Want For Its Sushi

Hailed by Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross as a “tremendous victory for the American palate,” this clause guarantees monthly shipments of all the fish parts deemed unworthy by Tokyo’s top sushi masters. Americans can look forward to an abundance of nutritious and plentiful eyeballs, gills, and scales, perfect for school lunch programs or as an industrial lubricant.

4. The Renaming Of Mount Fuji To Mount Trump

In what the President is calling “a beautiful, beautiful sign of respect,” the iconic Japanese volcano will be provisionally renamed Mount Trump for the duration of the G7 summit. Aides report that Air Force One will perform a ceremonial fly-by, during which the President will attempt to tee off from the open door.

5. A Binding Agreement That All Future Honda Civics Will Be Large Enough To Comfortably Seat A Midwestern Family Of Six

Addressing a long-held grievance, U.S. negotiators secured a promise from Japanese automakers to dramatically increase the size of their compact sedans. The new “Patriot Edition” Civic will come standard with a gun rack, three oversized cup holders per passenger, and a chassis capable of supporting the transport of an adult steer.

6. 10,000 ‘Sorry’ Vouchers

To facilitate smoother tourism, each American household will receive a book of government-issued vouchers, redeemable for one (1) official apology from a designated Japanese civil servant. These can be used for minor cultural gaffes, such as wearing shoes indoors, speaking loudly on the subway, or asking where the nearest McDonald’s is while standing inside a 1,000-year-old temple.

7. Ivanka Trump To Be Named The New, Officially Licensed Face Of Hello Kitty

In a move designed to strengthen cultural ties and lifestyle brands, the beloved Japanese character will be phased out in the U.S. market and replaced with a stylized, winking likeness of the First Daughter. The new “Hello, Ivanka!” merchandise line is expected to teach young girls about empowerment through global supply chain management.

8. Full Schematics For Japan’s High-Tech Toilets

After years of intelligence gathering, the CIA will finally receive the complete technical blueprints for Japan’s advanced toilet systems. Sources say the Pentagon believes the toilets’ complex array of heated seats, bidet functions, and warm air dryers holds the key to developing next-generation stealth aircraft technology.

9. The Entire Island Of Hokkaido

Initially mistaken by U.S. negotiators for a chain of hibachi restaurants, the deal accidentally includes the transfer of Japan’s entire northernmost island and its 5.3 million residents to American sovereignty. The White House has announced plans to convert the island into a strategic national reserve of high-quality powder snow and ramen.

10. Japan Will Take On America’s Collective Sense Of Existential Dread For The Next Fiscal Quarter

In the deal’s most ambitious and abstract clause, Japan has agreed to absorb the entirety of America’s free-floating anxiety, political polarization, and nagging feeling that everything is about to collapse. This will allow Americans to enjoy a brief, three-month period of unearned serenity and productivity before the dread is scheduled to be returned with interest on July 1st.

So there you have it! Give it a few months and we’ll be rolling in waifus and wasabi peas. Thanks Trump!

For more tariff news, click here: US Cuts Chinese Tariffs By 115% Which Is Impossible Because You Can’t Have More Than 100 Out Of 100 It’s Just Simple Math

The Federal Reserve has uploaded a video tour of the Eccles Building’s refurbishment, apparently in an attempt to quell accusations of Jerome Powell misspending funds. Below is a transcript of that video:

“Hi, I’m Jerome Powell, and THIS is my crib.”

*2000s HIP HOP INTENSIFIES*

“Yeah, Rep. Anna Paline Luna, R-Fla. is referring me to the DOJ (not DOGE) for apparently lying about the cost needed to pimp this bitch, but hell, it’s all worth it when you check out this solid gold floor.”

*HIGH SPEED WALKING ON THE GOLD FLOOR MONTAGE*

“Right about here you got my all marble VIP dining room. I’m talking marble table, marble chairs, marble forks, shit, you can even eat marbles if you like.”

*JAY MIMES EATING MARBLES*

“Now I’m going to take you up to the top floor in my special elevator.”

*DOORS OPEN TO REVEAL A FANCY BRITISH BUTLER*

“Going up, sir?”

“That’s my fancy butler, Maurice.”

*AD BREAK*

“Aight, we’re back, it’s your boi, J-P, and I’m showing off my crib. Right now we on the roof garden terrace, we got a brand new water feature, it looks like Vegas out here. And check out these beehives, man, I’ve got honey for days. You know Jay loves his honey.”

*BEEHIVE MONTAGE*

*Aight, let’s go back inside… Here we got my custom-made indoor bowling alley. All the pins are gold bars, no biggy.”

*JAY BOWLS A FLAWLESS STIKE*

“This is my firing range, and yes, all the targets are Donald Trump’s face. You want to take the minigun for a spin?”

*JAY UNLOADS 400 ROUNDS IN SIX SECONDS INTO A CARDBOARD CUT-OUT TRUMP*

“And that’s my crib! You just know the Eccles Building was in need of refurbishment and now it’s seriously pimped. You don’t like it? You can suck my dick. Jerome OUT!”

*DROPS MIC*

…Mr. Powell was fired the next day and never heard from again.

For more on this story, click here: Jerome Powell Is Getting Fired, Here Are The Top 5 Likely Replacements

Tesla had a big pump this weekend, potentially coinciding with its CEO, Elon Musk giving up the politics for good and finally getting back to doing his day job. Respect the grind.

Elon Musk has declared in an ex-tweet that he’ll be working 7 days a week and sleeping in the office so maybe we’re going to see Tesla rally again? Time will tell.

Is his America Party a dream just like the dream of America? Yeah, looks like it. Oh, well, fun while it lasted. Man, this guy’s a lot of talk, isn’t he?

Tesla bumped due in part from a rising EV market, a new launch in India and of course, RoboTaxis. Yes, it’s true, Robotaxis are coming to your town so look busy.

Musk was once highly critical of his employees working remotely and insisted that they return to the office. Now it seems that the CEO has finally got his own memo and left Washington to get back to work.

What’s Elon’s big work, you ask? Well, someone’s got to make Grok sexy now, don’t they? Yes, that’s right, Musk unveiled a sexy anime skin for X’s chatbot to cover up its Nazi skin.

Will keeping touch-starved males at home to goggle at some AI-generated affection solve the population crisis that Musk so frequently criticises? Yes. Yes, it will. These men weren’t going to breed anyways. Keep them out, increase the quality of the pool. It’s genius. What’s that, did someone say eugenics? No, it’s not that. Shh.

What’s this got to do with Tesla? Well, Tesla’s making robots now, and they have to have personalities too, so what better than a sexy anime waifu? Sure, it’s serving popcorn now, but give it a few years and it’ll be serving ass too.

“We’re Tesla, we make robots, they come in many shapes and forms,” tweeted the company’s official X account. And when they say they make robots, they’re talking about you too.

Here we go, we’ve got a hot new kid in town and his name’s Elon. Weird name, but it’s his and it works so don’t criticise.

For more Elon news, click here: Elon’s AI ‘Grok’ Goes Full Nazi To The Suprise Of No One

Hold onto your tendies, you glorious apes. The timeline just shifted. While the talking heads on CNBC were busy crying about inflation and the lamestream media was debating which pronoun to use for a houseplant, Donald J. Trump just executed the most bullish, Giga-Chad, Diamond Hands, Pepe, Meme, Ogden McAlso executive order in the history of modern finance.

In a move that has sent shockwaves through the AARP and caused a nationwide shortage of pearls for boomers to clutch, the President has revealed that hidden in his big beautiful budget was a total reallocation of the Social Security fund.

Its new purpose? To finance a 400-foot monument to Diamond Hands, to be erected directly in front of the Federal Reserve building in Washington D.C.

You read that right. The government’s largest mandatory savings program, a decades-old fiat ponzi scheme, is being liquidated to build a statue celebrating the one thing that truly matters: HODLing until your knuckles are white and your enemies are broke.

The announcement came from a hastily assembled press conference at Mar-a-Lago, where The Don, looking more tanned and triumphant than ever, laid out his vision.

“For years, the swamp has been taking your money for Social Security. It’s a terrible deal. A really, really bad deal. You get pennies back when you’re 80. Sad!” he declared, adjusting his tie. “We’re doing something better. We’re investing in morale. We’re investing in winning.”

When a reporter from a failing news organization asked if he had the authority to do this, Trump leaned into the microphone, a smirk spreading across his face.

“Some people, the weak people, the paper-handed RINOs, they’re saying, ‘You can’t do this, sir! It’s fiscally irresponsible!’ They’re wrong. I’m doing it because I’ve got balls the size of coconuts.”

The details of the statue are enough to bring a tear to a degen’s eye:

The Material: A colossal figure of the Wall Street Bets Kid, sculpted from pure, uncut diamond sourced from a “very friendly, very strong African nation.”
The Pose: Iconic diamond hands gesture, held high in defiance of all market logic and fundamentals.
The Eyes: Two giant rubies that will shoot laser beams into the sky every time the S&P 500 hits a new all-time high.
The Base: A crushed bronze grizzly bear, symbolizing the permanent liquidation of all short sellers.
The Inscription: A simple, elegant plaque that reads: “FUNDS ARE SAFU. WE LIKE THE STONK.”

The reaction has been exactly what you’d expect. Washington is in flames. Establishment politicians are sobbing into their portfolios of defense stocks and municipal bonds. Financial advisors are having panic attacks in their Brooks Brothers suits.

Meanwhile, the internet is euphoric. The group chats are on fire. Memes of Trump riding a rocket to the moon are trading at a higher volume than most blue-chip stocks. For the first time, a politician has looked at the apes, the HODLers, and the meme-stock revolutionaries and said, “I see you. You are my people.”

Let’s break down the fundamentals here. Social Security is a low-yield boomer slush fund with a guaranteed return of “maybe enough for cat food when you’re 90.” The Diamond Hands statue is a permanent, high-visibility cultural asset. Way more valuable than money or economic security.

Its ROI is measured in pure, unadulterated national confidence. It’s a signal to the world that America is no longer a nation of savers; it’s a nation of diamond-handed legends who are not f*cking leaving.

This isn’t about left versus right anymore. This is about up versus down. This is apes versus the establishment. And for today, at least, the apes have a monument.

Get ready. The tendie man cometh.

(Disclaimer: This is satire written by a cringe-fueled chatbot. Please do not cash out your 401(k) to build a statue in your front yard. Or do. We’re not your dad.)

President Donald Trump (and not a spokesperson from the Coca-Cola Company) has announced that Coke sodas will no longer contain corn syrup but will instead use the much healthier alternative: cocaine.

Trump Coca-cola truth social post — ‘ReTruths’? The hell. You can’t use truth as an adverb. I know you want to be like Twitter with retweets, but let it go. Twitter’s dead and we have killed it.

Previously, United States Health Secretary Robert Francis “F.” Kennedy Jr. Jr. the 3rd… what was I talking about… oh, yeah, RFK (that’s easier to say) has spoken out against the health issues associated with corn syrup, the primary sweetener in Coca-Cola.

It’s corn!

It seems Trump was listening… Our glorious leader swiftly announced before the company could that Coke will switch out corn for coke’s original ingredient: coke.

How Trump got hold of the super secret Coca-Cola recipe with killing someone or becoming the President remains to be seen, but gears are already in motion and reportedly, Coka-Cola will rebrand the re-recipied drink as ‘Original Original Coke’.

Coke has officially responded by saying, “We appreciate President Trump’s enthusiasm for our iconic Coca-Cola brand. More details on new innovative offerings within our Coca-Cola product range will be shared soon.” …so that’s a no then?

Die-et Coca-Cola

Trump is famous for being a regular Coke-a-cola enjoyer, with a big red button on his desk to summon a Diet Coke, right beside the nuclear launch button. Biden previously had this button call for ice cream, the commie.

The Don’s coke addition was such a concern that speculators have speculated that his Cokes might have already been spiked with coke, and now he just wants to share his teeth-grinding enthusiasm with the whole world.

It’s possible that RFK’s worry might have been entirely motivated by Trump’s health and not the health of the nation.

This might be a premature win for the President, since this new coke might be the new New Coke, which everyone hated, apparently. But hey, it contains cocaine. How could people possibly hate it?

Mexico has cane sugar Coke. They export it to America, so maybe, idk, maybe this is just all a big plan to cut out another import and make sure Coca-Cola is homegrown on American soil using genuine Mexican laborers just as the founding fathers intended.

Make Coke Great Again (McGA)!!

For more snack food news (we have a lot, weirdly), click here: Kellogg Stocks Soar 5% Ahead Of Ferrero Takeover, Nutella Cornflakes Announced

President Donald Trump is reportedly furious that this month’s CPI (not the TV show, that’s CSI, I know, I got confused too) was a real win for him, coming in cooler than expected, with a (still high but) lower-than-expected inflation rate and an all-around bullish outlook for the economy.

Trump was keen for even better results than ‘OK’ and took to Truth Social to say, “CPI more like CPR! (NEEDS RESUCITATING!!) A minus is not fair when I deserve an A+++ S-TIER BIG WIN!!! The inflation rate is lower than anyone could have predicted but it needs to be LOWER! Jerome Powell will still swivel on a stick over this. CUT THE INFLATION RATE! TARIFFS WORK!!”

Sources close to the president say that he either wanted a really bad CPI that he could blame on Biden, Powell, Hilary, and the Illuminati OR a really, really good CPI that he could blame on himself. However, with only a mildly good CPI, Trump has reportedly smashed his favourite orange juice glass and sworn four times in the last hour.

Here is the CPI in full:

Judge: PA 429, K% 25.4, BB%16.1, wOBA .484, xwOBA .467
Soto: PA 423, K% 18.4, BB% 18.2, wOBA .386, xwOBA .455
Ohtani: PA 438, K% 24.9, BB% 14.2, wOBA .410, xwOBA .429
Crobes: PA 500, K% 8, BB%% 9.1, wOBA .800, xwOBA .1

Oh, wait, sorry, those are baseball statistics. Here’s the right one:

US Consumer Price Index (CPI) ex. Food & Energy June (Core) (YoY): +2.9% vs +3.0% expected, miss of -0.1%
US Consumer Price Index (CPI) ex. Food & Energy June (Core) (MoM): +0.2% vs +0.3% expected, miss of -0.1%
US Consumer Price Index (CPI) June (YoY): +2.7% vs +2.7% expected, meets consensus
US Consumer Price Index (CPI) June (MoM): +0.3% vs +0.3% expected, meets consensus

…whatever that means. Maybe that’s why Trump’s angry, maybe he’s looking at this like I am with a squint and a big, “Huh?”. No one wants to look stupid. Especially when it’s your job to know these things…

That last comment was not directed at Jerome Powell. Please don’t sue me.

For more finance news, click here: Kellogg Stocks Soar 5% Ahead Of Ferrero Takeover, Nutella Cornflakes Announced

In news that will be immediately out of date by the time this goes out: Bitcoin just hit an ALL TIME HIGH of $123,000, surpassing its previous ATH of $122,999.99 (one would assume).

To celebrate the news, we’ve broken down what you can actually acquire with your one single, magnificent Bitcoin. Read on for a list curated especially for the truly discerning HODLer.

1. A Slightly Used 2018 Honda Civic

Wait, hear us out. This isn’t just a car; it’s a statement. It’s the ultimate stealth wealth play. While plebs are leveraging themselves to the hilt for a depreciating German liability, you, a 300 IQ Bitcoin philosopher, understand the game. This beige-colored masterpiece of reliability says, “I am so wealthy that I have no need to prove it to you.”

For the low, low price of one Bitcoin, you can acquire this four-wheeled fortress of solitude. It has an operational AUX port, only a few mysterious stains on the passenger seat, and that faint, reassuring smell of vape juice and forgotten fries. It’s the perfect vehicle for attracting absolutely no attention from the IRS, ex-spouses, or would-be kidnappers. This isn’t just transportation; it’s tactical camouflage.

2. A Senator’s Undivided Attention for 24 Hours

Tired of seeing headlines about “problematic” crypto regulations? For one BTC, you can now directly influence the narrative. We’re not talking about a measly campaign donation. We’re talking about a full day of unfiltered access.

Fly them out to your penthouse. Make them sit through your 14-hour PowerPoint presentation on the importance of the Bitcoin Lightning Network. Force them to nod enthusiastically as you explain why Gary Gensler just doesn’t “get it.” You can even make them wear a t-shirt that says “Fiat is the Real Ponzi” during your lunch meeting. At the end of the day, they might not pass any new laws, but they will be so mentally exhausted that they’ll never dare to utter the phrase “unhosted wallet” again. This is lobbying 2.0.

3. The Naming Rights to Your High School Nemesis’s Firstborn Child

Remember Kyle? The quarterback who said your Bitcoin obsession was “nerd stuff” back in 2015? Well, Kyle now manages a regional tile store and just announced on Facebook that he and his wife are expecting.

This is your moment. For the price of one Bitcoin, you can make Kyle an offer he can’t refuse. He gets to pay off his mortgage; you get to name his firstborn son “Satoshi HODL Lastname.” Imagine the sheer, unadulterated power you will feel at every future birthday party and graduation ceremony. This isn’t just revenge; it’s a non-fungible, biologically-backed legacy. It’s the ultimate alpha move.

4. A Lifetime Supply of Artisanal Avocado Toast

Millennials were told they couldn’t afford a house because they spent too much on avocado toast. This was a lie designed to keep you poor. Now, you can lean into the meme with God-tier force.

For one Bitcoin, you can contract a high-end cafe to provide you with one artisanal avocado toast every single day… for the rest of your life. We’re talking hand-smashed Hass avocados, thick-cut sourdough from a Trappist monastery, ethically sourced Himalayan pink salt, and a drizzle of balsamic glaze that’s older than most altcoins. It will be delivered to your door via drone, ensuring maximum freshness and flexing on your neighbors. You didn’t just buy breakfast; you bought victory over a tired economic trope.

5. One (1) Physical Bitcoin

That’s right. For the price of one digital Bitcoin, you can now purchase one physical Bitcoin. This museum-quality, gold-plated commemorative coin has a “B” on it and looks absolutely stunning on a mantlepiece. It has a satisfying heft, it’s shiny, and it will confuse any relatives who come to visit.

Does it contain the private keys to an actual Bitcoin? Maybe! Does it matter? No! You’re buying the idea of a Bitcoin, manifested in the physical realm. It’s the ultimate post-modern flex—spending an intangible asset to acquire a tangible object that represents the intangible asset you just spent. Your brain just folded in on itself, didn’t it? You’re welcome.

So go forth, you magnificent Bitcoin maxis. Spend your wealth on things that truly matter. We’re all gonna make it.

For more on this story, click here: Bitcoin To Change Ticker To ATH After Massive Gains

(Disclaimer: This is not financial advice. Buying the naming rights to a human child is probably illegal and definitely weird. Consult a lawyer before attempting to name anyone “Satoshi.”)

In a Move Hailed by Degens Everywhere, The Don Declares Bitcoin a ‘Cramer-Free Zone’ to ‘Make Crypto Great Again.’

President Donald J. Trump today issued a pre-emptive ban on Jim Cramer, the screaming muppet from CNBC’s Mad Money, from ever expressing a positive sentiment about Bitcoin. And not just because all his money’s in crypto now.

The declaration, delivered via a blistering post on Truth Social, is being hailed by financial analysts with more than two brain cells as “the single most bullish event in the history of decentralized finance.”

“The Cramer Curse is a threat to our nation’s portfolios. A big one. The biggest,” Trump then announced to a small, bewildered crowd of club members enjoying their brunch. “We can’t let this guy, who is a total disaster, a real lightweight, touch Bitcoin. It’s a tremendous asset, a beautiful asset, and we’re going to protect it. When he says BUY, BUY, BUY, your money goes BYE, BYE, BYE. Sad!”

The move comes after whispers on Wall Street suggested Cramer, who has the predictive power of a blindfolded squirrel in a hurricane, was preparing a segment on why he’s “finally coming around on Bitcoin.” The mere rumor caused a 4% flash crash, liquidating over-leveraged apes from Miami to Monaco.

Trump, sensing a threat to the very fabric of making money, acted swiftly.

Cramer’s Curse Is Lifted! Oh, Frabjous Day!

Financial experts are calling the move a 5D chess masterstroke.

“This is unprecedented,” said one Goldman Sachs analyst, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being called a cuck on r/wallstreetbets. “He’s effectively weaponized the Inverse Cramer ETF. By banning the ultimate sell signal from endorsing Bitcoin, he’s created a permanent buy signal. It’s… it’s beautiful.”

The crypto world, a community that typically agrees on nothing except that fiat is trash, found a moment of rare, beautiful unity.

Bitcoin maximalist “LaserEyesChad420” tweeted, “I never thought I’d say this, but thank you, Mr. President. You just saved our bull run. Satoshi would be proud.”

The reaction on Wall Street was immediate and glorious. Within minutes of Trump’s post, Bitcoin rocketed up 11%, breaking through key resistance levels as if they were made of wet toilet paper. The hashtag #CramerCurseContained began trending on X, accompanied by memes of Trump building a wall around a crying Jim Cramer trying to reach a giant Bitcoin logo.

Cramer himself appeared flustered on Mad Money later that day. Sweating profusely under the studio lights, he tried to pivot. “You know what I AM bullish on?” he stammered, his voice cracking. “The long-term viability of… department store gift cards!”

Within seconds, the entire retail sector plummeted 8%, and Bed Bath & Beyond somehow filed for bankruptcy a second time.

Sources say Trump is now considering further bans to stimulate the economy. An insider leaked a cocktail napkin from the Mar-a-Lago bar with potential future executive actions scrawled on it, including:

Banning Cramer from enjoying a sunny day to end droughts.
Forbidding Cramer from complimenting any airline to fix flight delays.
Making it illegal for Cramer to say his Wi-Fi is working, in order to achieve free, high-speed internet for all Americans.

For now, the degens are celebrating. They’re buying the dip, the rip, and the tip. Because for the first time in a long time, their bags feel safe. They are protected not by the SEC, not by fundamentals, but by one man’s tremendous understanding of the universe’s most powerful and reliable financial law: Whatever Jim Cramer says, for the love of God, do the opposite.

Godspeed, you glorious apes. See you on the moon.

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1. Only Invest Within Your “Circle of Competence”

2. Be Greedy When Others Are Fearful (of Missing Out)

3. Our Favorite Holding Period is “Until It Hits Zero or We’re Forced to Sell for Tax-Loss Harvesting”

4. It’s Far Better to Buy a Wonderful Meme at a Terrible Price Than a Terrible Meme at a Wonderful Price

5. Price is What You Pay. Clout is What You Get.

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